Fantasy Flight Book 3Chapter 15
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Having gotten one hell of a well-deserved commission, due to Gordo's greed, I had to figure out what I was going to do first with my money and new deeds.
Might as well slip by the banks to mess with them as I deposit $4995 in cash into each account.
Despite what the Federal anti-drug, money laundering, or anti-terrorism bull shit regulations say, the banks will in turn give up their customers at five grand just to be safe. I am sure they will try to turn me in anyway. Too bad for them it will just make them look stupid. It is going to be a glorious afternoon. I knew exactly which bank I was going to hit first, the one that held my business account.
"Good afternoon," I told the nasty, overdressed, way over made up teller. "I need to make a withdrawal."
She gave me the standard reply, "Sir you can withdraw up to five hundred dollars a day from the ATM."
"Wow! Oh thank you ever so much, I never knew that! I would so love to use one, can you show me how to work it," I replied just to piss her off. "Now that I think about it, I really don't have the time right now, after waiting ten minutes to use a slower, non-automated teller. May I have a withdrawal slip please? I left my business checkbook at home."
I told her knowing that the arrogant assholes here are more than happy to leave deposit slips at their little table, but make you ask for a withdrawal slip. In the mood I was in, I took my time in filling it out. She looked really pissed that I was wasting her time. You know, the time she was being paid to be there to service my banking needs.
I love it when they give me that look when I request more than a few bucks. Ok. Wait for it. Yep there is that "oh shit" look!
Sitting up very straight and showing she needs to find someone in the airline industry to teach her how to give a fake smile, she replied. "Mr. Johnson, how would you like this dispersed?"
Jackpot!
"Tens and twenties would be fine," I told her with a straight face.
God I love that line from "A Charlie Brown Christmas".
After stammering a bit she looked through her till, then the safe beside her desk and finally went off to talk to her supervisor. I was having a hard time not laughing when one of the women I had pulled this on over the years had finally gotten a promotion. She was a damn good fuck and almost insatiable. We had a little fling for a few weeks when her husband left her to screw some college kid. It did not take long for his young lover to realize he had no stamina. He had hell to pay when he came back to find his wife's needs were three times what they had been before he screwed around on her.
I watched let the teller suffer as she tried to find twenty grand worth of tens and twenties.
Finally the bitch teller came back to apologize, "Mr. Johnson. It is payday and we do not have anywhere near that amount in the smaller denominations."
"How much do you have? How many of the presidential dollar coins do you have on hand? I will take those too. Maybe some quarters if you must," I told her as she went off scavenging again.
The supervisor let her run all over again, but came over with her this time.
"Joe, will you please quit tormenting my tellers? You know good and well that even if we had your entire withdrawal amount in tens and twenties, we would not disperse it all on a payday. Do you want any fifties today or all hundreds? Oh my sister is working a Georgia Central now. Should I give her a heads up that the clown is on his way over or do you want to surprise her," she asked.
"I was serious about the dollar coins. I will take all you have and any 1964 or earlier half dollars. The rest you can give me in crisp, new uncirculated hundreds," I replied.
I watched as the teller got sort of pissed off as the supervisor led her to the vault to get four stacks of newly minted, uncirculated hundred dollar bills. I was surprised to see the supervisor roll out a small cart that had four big $1000 dollar bags of the presidential dollar coins they had just gotten them in. She whispered not to laugh when the teller came out looking like she just had a long hard fucking.
"I enlightened her that you were not some rich asshole with wheelbarrows of money and a little dick. With a body like hers I would have expected she had at least tried more than just a plain missionary with a hair trigger high school pop gun. At least she is quiet," the supervisor said as she directed me over to a lower counter to where I could count out all of the dollar coins while the teller counted out the hundreds.
Smiling I asked, "Can you get me one of the counting containers? I have to go bug your sister before they close."
She quickly brought me over one of the metal boxes designed to hold $600 dollars in rolled dollar coins. I was done with the coins before the teller managed to fight her way through the stiff, stuck together hundred dollar bills. Then she too counted the dollar coins. I had to stop her three times when she tried to count them all at once, mixing the bags. Once she had counted everything twice I got a big envelope for the bills and I got the coin bags as part of the deal.
"When is your break, Sally? I can spare fifteen minutes if you want," I told her watching her blush all the down into her blouse.
Yep. You are only wet because I had a huge stack of cash and more in my bank account. Like I would actually fuck you. No way am I about to let you try to trick me into knocking you up so you get half my money, or more.
It was a workout hauling the bags of coins down the hall to put them in my oversized safety deposit box. I put the seventy five thousand in there too. I was going to scan the deeds before putting them in another bank tomorrow. As I was going out, the supervisor grinned at me as she pointed toward the restrooms. I saw the teller was missing now.
I don't have time to see if she needs a hand right now.
Sometimes I really love how Georgia has laws on the books about only a Georgia State Trooper can get away with writing tickets for speeding nine or less miles over the speed limit. Since between ten and fourteen over it only a fine and no points, they rarely give tickets for anything less than fifteen over, especially where the posted limit is seventy. At eighty-five the super speeder law kicks into add on a two hundred dollar super speeder fine. It only took me twenty minutes of driving at eighty-three to get the next exit so I could pick a random branch for one of my accounts. I found the perfect one. It was filled to overflowing with illegals trying to get cash for their checks. Inside, I found the bank only had one Spanish speaking teller. She was looking none too happy telling these illegals that they could not cash the checks without a US based government issued ID card or valid passport from their home country without having an account. Of course all of the other tellers were having to deal with them too as the few that could understand some English tried their luck. From the sour look I got from the teller I walked up to, I think she would have rather dealt with the illegals.
"How may I help you sir," she said snottily.
Smiling back I replied, "Miss, it seems someone has ransacked your supply of deposit slips. May I have one please?"
Damn you would think I asked her to suck my dick with a gun to her head. Is she one of those that will "accidentally" press the alarm button just to get out of having to help me?
Grudgingly, she handed me the form and then I asked if she could look up my checking account number, I did not have my checkbook with me. I swiped my card and put in my pin. At least she was not allowed to read it out loud, no matter how much she looked like she wanted too. After we did that dance, I put down that I was giving her five grand and getting five dollars cash back.
"A hundred is the smallest I have on me," I told her as I put a wrapped stack of freshly minted hundreds on the counter.
Go ahead and have fun with that bitch! I saw you flagging my account when I wrote in the amount on the deposit slip. Bet you think you are slick don't you? Time for a wakeup call. Everyone fucks with me all of the time, now I get to have a few minutes of payback. I doubt you will learn to not be a bitch to someone that is outside your perfect mold, I thought as I scoped out the security guards ignoring the illegals packing the bank to watch me.
It took her three tries to finally get all of the bills unstuck enough to count them through. She tried once to tell me I was short five hundred dollars until I showed her the first serial number on the top and the last one on the bottom. I explained this stack of bills still had the mint wrapper on them. I had the time to wait if she wanted to have her supervisor retrain her on how to properly count money.
Ok sure there could be five hundreds missing since the other bank had first counted them and then slid the mint wrapper back over them.
"It would not do for me to have make any form of suggestion that you were making an attempt to extricate funds," I told her with a menacing smile.
One final count and she gave me a deposit receipt and five ones.
Bitch.
Heading over to the new accounts and loans department, I asked to speak to the bank manager. I got a good bit of attitude before I just told them that it was none of their business. I had matters to discuss with him that was above their pay grade.
No I am not going to go away, so you might as well call the manager or I will wander on up to their office myself.
Ten minutes of waiting later, that is just what I did.
"Sir you cannot go up there," the man tried to tell me.
I was almost in the manager's office when the man caught up with me.
The manager quickly stood up to intervene.
"Randolph I can take it from here," he said dismissing the man from downstairs.
To me he gave me a weak handshake and asked, "What is so urgent that could not be handled by my staff."
So we are playing that angle. Cool. Saved me a lot of time and lets me get right to the point. Time to knock him off his high little, assigned to a branch in the middle of no fucking where, pedestal.
"I wanted to personally take the time to thank you, as an executive of your bank, for servicing my mortgage. Unlike your national megabank competitors, your Georgia based community bank did not sell it off to some other servicer. It has been a pleasure doing business with your chain of banks," I told him with a big smile. "I just received the deed today."
Yep knocked the wind out of his sails! Now for the fun part.
"Now I do have another small matter to discuss with you if you have a few moments."
Giving me his almost believable smile he replied, "It is my job to make sure all of my customers are happy doing business with our bank. What can I do for you today?"
"Since you have the time, I was wondering if you still value my business, then why did you teller flag my deposit with the Treasury Department and alert both of the security guards," I asked him in an all business tone.
That confused you didn't it.
"May I ask how you know your account was flagged," he asked trying to knock me off guard.
Pulling out my phone, clicking on fake app made to look like a credit monitoring service and then selecting their bank, I passed it over to him. The ancient PC on his desk that connected into the bank's AS/400 mainframe told me he would have no clue it was fake. It was yet another thing I wrote to actually alert me when a deposit is pending on any of my accounts. It uses their bank's web interface with some Java hacks to automate the login process and then go to each account.
"At 3:47 PM today my account was flagged to the US Treasury for investigation as having ties to terrorism or money laundering," I explained. "If you look at the time stamp on the receipt, it was seven minutes before she completed the deposit. The Federal requirement for reporting a single large cash deposit is ten grand. The fine print of your banks account agreement states it will report, at its' discretion, any cash deposit into a non-business account starting at five thousand dollars. I have always put in five dollars less than five thousand to save your bank chain the costs associated with filing a Currency Transaction Report."
Ok now give me the bullshit about giving him a minute to go talk to the teller.
Well wonder of all wonders, he was competent enough to log into the mainframe to pull up my account details. I love watching their eyes go wide when they see that I have around three million in their bank spread across CDs, investment, savings and money market accounts.
My payroll software, side packages and support agreements had paid off really well over the years. I made sure that each was also tied to one or more of my LLCs or side companies to keep me fully insured under FDIC. I did my homework to find out what software the banks used. When I came in to rip a bank manager a new asshole, they would see all the value of all my assets at their bank. I may not be the biggest customer they had, but it was usually enough to give them an attitude adjustment.
Even being a full time employee I still had them paying directly to one of my LLCs. The CFO suggested I setup things that way so that they could pay my company directly for the intern's salaries and any travel expenses incurred. I am still making close to five hundred grand a year on the module they inspired me to write a paid add-on for the payroll software. It allowed finance to handle all of the payments to me and then payroll to be able to do direct deposits from my LLC account into the accounts of the interns. In the rare cases where a check was required, they could use the same check stock to print a check against my account. To protect my finances from getting raided by some wannabe hacker, all of the data was encrypted by the algorithm the bank used to secure business to business (B2B) wire transfers. If any changes were required to the account setup, all of the account information was wiped out and had to be reentered from scratch.
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