A Golfer s Dream Book I The Dream BeginsChapter 23 The Recovery
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November 27, 1993, Chicago, Illinois
On Saturday morning, I went to karate and exercised with the class, then practiced kata with the blue and purple belts. My left arm tired easily, partly from the broken wrist, but mostly from the weight of the cast. When we arrived home, Kara helped me wrap my cast in plastic, then helped me take a shower, though it had to be quick so as not to have water leak under the plastic.
After lunch, I followed Jessica back to the ‘Indian’ room and asked if she’d talk with me.
“I promised I’d talk to you each day,” she said. “Come in.”
I went in and she indicated the basket chair while she reclined on the bed and propped her ankle on a pillow.
“Did you make arrangements for your individual counseling?” I asked.
“I’m doing it during my lunch break on Wednesdays. I had my first one this week.”
“May I give you one piece of advice?” I asked.
“You will whether or not I want to hear it,” she sighed.
I wanted to scream at her, but that wouldn’t do any good. And as I’d said to Kara, I was the carrot and the doctors were the stick.
“No, actually, I won’t. If you aren’t interested in hearing it, I’ll keep it to myself. I’m not here to argue with you or fight with you or anything like that. I just want to help. If you don’t want my help, I can’t force you to take it.”
“But you’ll just run to Doctor Barton and tattle.”
I shook my head, “No, I won’t. Al has consistently told me to stay out of medical training issues. So I am. Your issues with your teachers are between you and them. I’m here as your husband and nothing more.”
“Fine,” she sighed. “What’s your advice?”
“Cry. Drop the ‘Doctor Jessica’ persona and let it all out. Talk honestly with your counselor about everything, especially Jorge.”
“But I AM ‘Doctor Jessica’!”
I shook my head, “You’re wrong. You’re far more than that. In your mind you’re only ‘Doctor Jessica’; but you’re also ‘Babe’, my wife and Kara’s wife; ‘Mom’ or ‘Mommy’, to Albert and Ashley, and, if you ask them, to Birgit and Stephie. You can deny it all you want, but it’s true. We made vows. I made you pregnant. I saw those children born.”
“I thought you weren’t going to argue with me,” she said, sounding annoyed.
“Stating facts is not arguing. If you diagnose a patient with cancer and they are in denial, does that change the facts?”
“No, of course not!”
“Well, you denying the facts here doesn’t change them, either. What happens when the patient refuses treatment because they reject your diagnosis?”
Jessica sighed, “They’ll most likely die.”
“So, there you go. What you do with that is up to you.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Jess, I love you, but I have to take care of Kara and the kids the best way I can. I’ll help you in any way I’m able to with that in mind. We want you to stay.”
“I left you. For a second time.”
“Yes, and you came back. For a second time.”
“Not because I wanted to.”
“You know, in the end, I don’t care WHY you’re here, I just care that you ARE here. The kids need you here. I want you here.”
“Even if I don’t love you? Or Kara?”
“You read my journals, so I’m sure you read the section where I discussed Anala’s parents.”
“The arranged marriage?”
“Yes. They didn’t marry for love. And yet, over time, they grew to love each other deeply.”
“And you think that’s us?”
“It could be, if you were willing to try.”
She shook her head, “I don’t think I can.”
I took a deep breath and let it out. I had promised myself that I would remain calm, cool, and collected. Becoming visibly frustrated or sounding exasperated wouldn’t help at all.
“I don’t understand why you won’t try. It makes no sense. Will you keep seeing Doctor Green with us?”
“I was told to.”
“If you truly don’t want to work on finding a way to make SOMETHING work between the three of us, I’ll talk to Al Barton about it. But I will say that the kids need you, and finding SOME solution for the three of us is important.”
“And what would that look like?” Jessica asked.
“Be my friend, Jess. Can you do that? Just be my friend? And be Kara’s friend? It’s a start.”
“I’ll try.”
“That’s all I can ask for. And you’ll see Doctor Green with us?”
“Yes.”
“That,” I answered, “makes me very happy. I’ll leave you alone now, but I would encourage you to spend more time with the family, especially our kids.”
I stood and when Jessica didn’t respond, I left the ‘Indian’ room to find Kara and Michelle. I hadn’t really resolved anything, though I had conveyed to Jessica what I’d said to Doctor Green - that my goal was to make Kara happy, make sure the kids were loved, and then help Jess as best I could. Now I just had to figure out how to put it into action and balance everyone’s needs.
I found Kara and Michelle in the sunroom with the kids, and before I could say anything to either of the girls, the kids either asked to cuddle or play. I spent the rest of the afternoon on the floor playing board games and cuddling my daughters in turn.
“Daddy?” Birgit asked just before dinner.
“Yes, Pumpkin?”
“Can I have two boyfriends?”
“And here we go,” Elyse said sotto voce and with a quiet laugh.
“You could, but you have to tell both of them about it. Who?”
“Peter and Joey.”
I wondered what happened to Nicholas. I’d have to ask Abbie if she had an idea. The last thing I wanted to do was stir up trouble.
“Who’s Joey?”
“A boy at school! He’s Matthew’s friend!”
“As long as they both know that they aren’t your only boyfriend, that’s OK. But you can’t lie to them.”
“I promise!” she said.
After dinner, I had a chance to pull Abbie aside and ask her what happened between Birgit and Nicholas. According to Abbie, Nicholas and Stephie liked each other and Jesse had told Birgit to leave them alone. I was surprised that hadn’t caused a war between Jesse and Birgit, but Abbie said Birgit had simply let it go. I wondered about that. Birgit NEVER let things go! She might only be five, but she was pretty good at picking her battles, just as Jesse was. At some point, things would come to a head. They always did with her.
After the kids went to bed, I managed to get some time alone with Kara, and explained what I’d said to Jessica, and Jessica’s agreement to be friends.
“What does that mean?” Kara asked. “It doesn’t really resolve anything.”
“It’s a start,” I said. “Remember what I said about my priorities. Her coming back to the house is good for the kids, if nothing else. And she’s agreed to continue seeing Doctor Green with us. To me, those are major improvements over the situation before the accident.”
“I suppose,” she sighed. “It’s just very frustrating.”
“I know, Honey. Let’s take things one day at a time. That’s really all we can do.”
“And Michelle?”
“Remember what I said about my priorities? Taking care of you and the kids. Making you happy, ensuring the kids are loved, and THEN doing what I’m able, within those constraints, to help Jessica. You know what Michelle wants, and you know what it means to accept what’s available. The more I think about this, the more I’m sure you and Michelle need to sort out your relationship and let me know what it is. I can adapt. And Jess has given her permission for whatever we want to do.”
“Actual consent? Or she’s just going to tolerate it.”
“Actual consent. It really is an issue between you and Jess, though. I’ve always had freedom. And I’ve always given you freedom. If either you or Jess would think it’s cheating, then it’s a problem. But that’s only an issue if you and Michelle are going to be together.”
“I don’t think so,” Kara said. “Not that way. Intimate, but not sexual. I can only be with Jess that way, well, could. Michelle and I could make love to you, but not to each other. I think.”
“Whatever you need, Honey. Why don’t you talk with Michelle? I’m going to go up to bed. I tire very easily these days. I’ll put on my pajamas so there aren’t any issues.”
Kara smiled, gave me a kiss, and when I went up to bed, she went to talk to Michelle.
November 28, 1993, Chicago, Illinois
“You were sound asleep when we came up,” Kara said on Sunday morning as she helped me shower.
“I was beat,” I said. “Jogging all week and karate yesterday just wore me out. It’ll get better, but having what amounted to a three-week break from all serious exercise really took a toll, not to mention the injuries.”
“Michelle went downstairs to make breakfast. She asked if we were going to church with her.”
“I don’t really want to make a weekly habit of it,” I said. “What do you think?”
“I feel the same way. I’m happy to go sometimes, but not regularly. I told her probably not because of how tired you were last night. We both woke up before you which is very odd.”
I nodded, “I’ll mention it to Al tomorrow afternoon when I go for my checkup. I’m still only allowed half days.”
“I’m happy you’re following his direction.”
I smiled as we got out of the shower, “I don’t have the energy to fight with you.”
“Good,” Kara giggled.
“How did things go with Michelle last night?” I asked as we started dressing.
“I need to share something with you, but it has to stay between us for now.”
I smiled, “She’s torn about a long-term relationship with us because she can’t have a baby.”
Kara laughed, “I’m not surprised you’re aware of that.”
“It was always going to be an issue. There is literally nothing I can do to solve that one. If she wants a baby of her own, she’ll need to find another man. The problem is, she’s absolutely in agreement with you about only being with one man.”
“I forget you were intimate with her long before you made love with her. May I ask why you made love with her knowing all of this?”
“Michelle made the choice, Kara. Honestly, she was planning to go to the monastery and the point would have been moot. The problem arose when she decided she wanted to come home. She’s pretty much in the same place you were after our Year in the Wilderness. I think you can help her with that.”
“I can try. She would also like to make love with you, but she’s afraid to ask because of your injuries.”
“I know. I’ve just been so tired. Perhaps I’ll take a nap this afternoon.”
“I think that would be a good idea.”
November 29, 1993, Chicago, Illinois
“The x-rays look fine,” Al Barton said on Monday afternoon.
“What about me being so tired?” I asked.
“You’ve only been doing the exercise we’ve approved?”
“You know I am because I know you talked to Gina and my Sensei. And you also talked to Kara.”
“What is it you like to say?” Al asked with a smile. “‘Trust, but verify’? I think you need to take the rest of the week off work, and take morning and afternoon naps.”
“Seriously?” I sighed.
“Yes. You’re clearly not recovered from the concussion.”
“I thought it was mild,” I protested.
“It was, but you had a concussion ten years ago, and that can make it harder to recover from a second one.”
“What are you worried about, Al? I can see it in your eyes.”
“Post-concussion syndrome.”
“What’s the treatment?” I asked.
“Time. I want you to do nothing until next Monday except sleep, eat, and relax. Minimal physical activity, and nothing that requires you to concentrate; nothing at all.”
“What am I supposed to do? Watch soap operas? I’m going to go stir-crazy, Al!”
“Even so, you need to follow my instructions.”
“I didn’t say I wouldn’t, just that I didn’t like it.”
“OK. We’ll reevaluate you next Monday. I’ll call your karate instructor and Joyce. I’m guessing your dad will come back to Chicago.”
“Probably, but I’ll leave that up to him. Kimmy will check my emails and respond to anything urgent on my behalf.”
“Good. How are things with Jessica?”
“That reminds me, we have our counseling sessions with Doctor Green on Wednesdays. Should we cancel this week?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“OK. Jess agreed to be friends with Kara and me, talk to us, and to spend time with the kids and the rest of the family. At the moment, I think that’s the best we can do.”
Al sighed, “Probably. Is she going to her counseling?”
“Yes. But I don’t know how much good it will do until she lets someone through that armor she wears.”
“One step at a time.”
“I know. OK for me to walk home?”
“Yes, but take your time, please. Don’t rush.”
“Thanks, Al.”
We shook hands and I walked slowly home, where I would be incarcerated for the next week.
December 4, 1993, Chicago, Illinois
“How are you feeling, Son?” my dad asked on Saturday morning.
“Better, I think,” I said. “It’s difficult to tell because all I’m doing is sitting in either my bedroom or study during the day and the great room or sunroom otherwise. I’m taking two naps a day, going to bed early, and getting up late. But last week I was tired all the time. Now I’m not tired, but I’m sleeping probably twice the total hours I was before.”
“Your next checkup is on Monday afternoon?”
“Yes, but I can’t imagine I’ll be allowed back to work next week. I talked to Jessica and she said the next step would be two short walks each day. If that doesn’t make me tired then I can probably work half-days. My real concern is my trips to LA and Pittsburgh. But that’s still a couple of weeks away. I think Al will allow it, so long as all I do is go to the dinner party each time. But I promise to talk to him.”
“You’re handling this pretty well, considering.”
“I was so tired after three days of work and Thanksgiving that I couldn’t argue with Al; I didn’t have the energy. What happened with the Pittsburgh sales rep?”
“Cindi hired Janelle Brooks. You saw both candidates and didn’t issue a veto.”
“And the consultants?”
“We don’t have a choice. Charlie, on my approval, made her hires. Brad Nesmith and Sherry Tate in Chicago and Jan Mason in Denver.”
I nodded, “I understand. I don’t like it, but I understand.”
“We’d have lost the contracts, Son.”
“I know. I didn’t say I was upset, I just said I didn’t like it. Consulting is far too lucrative to pass up, though I did forbid Cindi from expanding outside any cities we’re currently in.”
“She and Charlie raised that issue with me. I think you’re wise to hold off on that until next summer, at the earliest, given that you just hired four people.”
“Anything else you’re allowed to tell me?”
My dad laughed, “Al was pretty clear, but there was one call for you that I think you need to know about. A reporter from the Trib called for you.”
“Stan Jakes?”
“No, Maureen Kingsley.”
I sighed, “Did she say what she wanted?”
“No. Who is she?”
“She writes the society column and ‘human interest’ stories. She wanted to run an exposé on me, but the editors apparently killed the story. I’m guessing Bill Clinton took the heat off.”
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December 5, 2000, Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minnesota “I had a good time last night,” I said. “I was surprised you invited a friend!” Mary laughed as we walked into the exam room, “Naomi had a good time as well. You know what a Resident’s life is like.” I nodded, “No social life.” “Exactly. You guys seemed to hit it off pretty well.” “Yes, but I’m not here for that!” “You’re everywhere for that, and you know it!” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Let’s just say that you hit the sweet spot -...
March 1980, Hovås/Göteborg, Sweden I woke early as usual, but just enjoyed being in bed with Katt. When she woke, she hopped out of bed and pulled a robe out of her closet and handed it to me. “There’s a spare toothbrush in the bathroom. Go have your shower, then we’ll have breakfast after I have my shower.” I quickly showered and brushed my teeth, and went back to Katt’s room. She went to shower and came back a few minutes later. She dressed, and I got a very good look at her sexy body...
April 5, 1997, Chicago, Illinois “You missed cuddles this morning!” Birgit said accusingly when I walked into the house about 9:30am. “I know, Pumpkin, but I had a work emergency and had to go see Aunt Joyce and Grandpa A.” “And now we have to get ready for karate!” “I know. We’ll have some family time this afternoon. I don’t have any plans.” “Good!” I hugged her and the rest of the kids, then went to find Kara. We hugged and kissed, and went straight upstairs to get ready for...
September 3, 1989, Chicago, Illinois “Good morning, Sensei,” I said, bowing to Sensei Jim. “Good morning!” he said waving me to a chair in his office. “How was your trip?” I asked. “Enlightening. I spent most of my time acting as a manservant to Sensei Robert and Sensei Hiro.” “He who will lead, must first serve,” I said. “Someday, I’m going to send you to Sensei Hiro, should he live long enough. You understand.” “Does that mean you are now 6th Dan?” I...
October 29, 2000, Chicago, Illinois Birgit followed me as far as the stairs, then scooted upstairs when I went to the front door and opened it. “Hi!” Sophie said. “Hi!” I replied and held the door open so she could come into the house. I closed the door behind her then led her to my study where I waited until she went in, and then walked in, closing the door behind me. I nodded to one of the wingback chairs, she sat down in one, and I sat down in the other. “Is something wrong?” she...
August, 1983, Chicago, Illinois I walked in the near 90°F heat to Carla’s place. I was grateful that the humidity of the morning had dropped significantly; otherwise the heat would have been unbearable. By the time I walked up the steps to the apartment over the photography studio and knocked on her door, I had broken into a light sweat. Carla answered almost immediately and invited me inside her studio apartment. The air was moderately cool, and the window air conditioner was running full...
July 1982, Milford, Ohio On Tuesday morning, I kissed Kara goodbye and headed to my parents’ house for my usual morning routine with my little sister. She was happy that I could spend the morning with her and asked to take a walk, so we weren’t in the house with my mom. “Let me guess — this walk will end in the clearing,” I said with a smile. “Yes,” she said, taking my hand as we walked down Overlook towards Klondyke. As usual, we turned around and walked back, taking the path to the...
Alexa Chapter 23: Recovery I woke up and my head was killing me. There was no light except for a faint one at the side of the bed. I could tell by the way I was propped up that this was not my bed. Then it came flooding back to me. The accident. I was just telling Jenny I loved her as the light turned green and I pulled out into traffic. Just as I was pulling into the intersection a large truck hit the side of the car. I remember briefly being in an ambulance, but then nothing...
March 13, 1994, Chicago, Illinois “Hi, Steve!” Ailea said when she opened the door. “Hi,” I replied, accepting the offered hug. There was no touching of lips, just of cheeks, and I wondered if I’d misread her intentions at her birthday lunch, or if, perhaps, she detected my reluctance to return the offered affection. “Lunch is ready, so go ahead and sit. I’ll bring it in from the kitchen.” I went to the low table, sat down, and a minute later, Ailea brought miso soup and sushi, our usual...
April 3, 1997, Dallas, Texas “Remember what I said about drinking too much,” I said, as I poured bourbon into three cups. We’d stopped at a liquor store, bought a bottle of Blanton’s, and then returned to the small suite I’d reserved at the Westin. Deborah’s room was down the hall, and Krissy’s was two floors below. Krissy’s comment had caught me a bit off guard, but I hadn’t reacted visibly. I didn’t know her quite well enough to know if she’d been teasing with Deborah, so I was being...
March 28, 1991, Chicago, Illinois “This day belongs to you, Kara!” I said when the three of us woke on Thursday morning. “Happy birthday!” Jessica said. “Thanks,” Kara replied happily. “I think I’d like an amazing birthday fuck from our husband, and then a nice loving shower with my wife!” Kara said. “Do we have enough time?” I asked. Jessica giggled, “I set the alarm for thirty minutes earlier!” “Then let’s not waste any of it!” I said pulling Kara to me. Kara’s squeals as I plunged...
March 21, 1992, Chicago, Illinois “You seem to be doing a good job with your new friends,” Jessica said as we walked to karate. “I think so, yes. Michelle will be here tomorrow for our usual Sunday afternoon chat, and I already told you about Gina.” “She just tries to wind you up with that stuff!” “Oh, I know,” I chuckled. “And I give as good as I get. I have plenty in reserve!” “What about your artist friend? The one you’ve adopted.” “You know how you girls say I give off a vibe? I’m...
September 4, 2000, Chicago, Illinois On Monday morning I went to my study to make a surreptitious call to ensure that the surprise I’d planned for Kara was still going to happen, and after confirming that it was, Jesse, Matthew, Michael, and I began preparing for the Labor Day party by getting beer and soda into coolers, getting the grill ready, setting up tables and chairs in the backyard, and ensuring the liquor cabinets were stocked while my wives and daughters worked on food prep in the...
September 1, 1987, Chicago, Illinois “I heard that you have some kind of plan to help Ed,” I said to Connie. “There’s no plan,” she replied. “A witness who saw the shopkeeper alive after Ed left came forward.” That sounded convenient, and I wondered if the witness was real or someone that Anthony had put forward to solve the problem. Certainly, the videotape was real, because I couldn’t imagine how Anthony could have faked that, but the witness? Who knew? “So is he being released? Or is...
August 17, 1997, Chicago, Illinois We finished lunch and Marissa and the younger kids went to play, but Natalie sat with the adults to talk, with coffee, tea, or soft drinks. The Sarcus were very comfortable, but the Heaths were still struggling. But, vitally, they hadn’t left and hadn’t insisted Natalie leave the group. “Can you explain how you developed this attitude and approach?” Chris asked. I nodded, “It started when I was just a bit younger than Natalie. My mom was a total control...
July 1979 — Falkenberg, Sweden On Friday, when I got back from my run, Pam was in her bra and panties again. I whistled at her, she giggled, then finished dressing. I showered, and we went to breakfast and finished up our last day. Once class was done, we were pretty much free. On Saturday, we’d have several optional activities and then on Sunday we’d head back to our host families. After dinner on Friday, I took Pam’s hand and we walked towards the river. It was quiet and peaceful, and...
July 1980, Over the North Atlantic We reached cruising altitude, and I settled back to read my book. Pam raised the armrest between us, snuggled close to me and read as well. The cabin crew offered drinks, and I had my first Coke in a year! Meal service began about an hour and a half into the flight. After the cabin crew picked up the trays and offered drinks again, they passed once more, offering headsets for the movie. Trevor and Maria took them, but Pam and I didn’t, instead we turned on...
July 8, 1997, Chicago, Illinois “Is it really that surprising?” Leah asked. “I suppose not,” I replied. “I just didn’t read too much into the kiss on the cheek.” “I didn’t think it was a good idea to kiss you on the lips with all those people around, because I had no idea who they were or what they would think. You were VERY careful with our dance, so I kind of followed your lead.” Which showed very mature thinking on her part. Both of these girls were exactly the kind of students I...
November 8, 1993, Chicago, Illinois A dark fog swirled before my eyes as I tried to take stock. My head hurt, badly. I felt something on my face and realized, dimly, it was an oxygen mask. My right hand was uncomfortable and I recognized the feeling of an IV and pulse-oximeter. My left arm ached fiercely. On my chest I felt the pads and wires of an EKG. I didn’t feel anything else wrong as I continued taking inventory. I tried to open my eyes, but the fog didn’t clear. I tried to speak, but...
August, 1983, Chicago, Illinois In the morning Anala and I ran as we had the previous time, then showered together, carefully washing each other’s bodies in an intimate but non-sexual way. After our shower we went to the kitchen and I made breakfast and we sat down to eat. “Steve, may I make a suggestion?” she asked. “Sure.” “Broaden your circle of friends. Other than me, all of you are white, nominally Christian, 20-year-old Americans. And you don’t invite me to your Sunday...
June 23, 2000, Chicago, Illinois “Steve,” Kimmy said over the intercom, “I have a Suzanne Aavik for you.” “Thanks,” I replied. “Put her through, please.” A few seconds later, Suzanne was on the line. “Hi!” she exclaimed when I greeted her. “I’m in Chicago for three weeks. Can I still run away and join the circus?” I chuckled, “You might want to find out what the circus is actually like before you join! If you’re free, you’re welcome to come to the house tomorrow or Sunday and meet the...
March 1979 Monday was back to the normal routine of school. Debbie Courtney, who lived across the street and had turned fourteen the last week in February, started flirting more with me on the bus each day. Debbie Vaughn, who lived just down the street, would turn fourteen on March 16th and invited me to her birthday party. And Donna Woody, who lived just down the street in the other direction, would turn fourteen on March 20th. She had made it clear what she wanted for her birthday, and in...
June 2, 1990, Chicago, Illinois “My office, please,” Sensei Jim said after class on Saturday. I followed him to his office and waited for him to bid me to sit. He did, and I sat in the usual chair across from him. “She has a real problem, you know that, right?” he asked. “I do. That’s why I insisted she start seeing a counselor.” “I run a huge risk having her here with that kind of temper and her violent acts.” I nodded, “I understand. May I ask what you intend to do?” “I really don’t...
February 21, 1991, Chicago, Illinois “Hi, Sweetheart!” I said, greeting Bethany at the door. “Uncle Steve!” Nicholas exclaimed. I took him from his mom and he hugged me tightly. “Is Jesse with his moms?” Bethany asked. “Yes. They won’t bring him back over tonight so you and Nicholas can surprise him in the morning.” “Perfect!” “How was the drive up?” “The same as usual. Just a bit of traffic in Northern Indiana. Otherwise, smooth sailing. It was driving the other direction that was a...
November 4, 2000, Chicago, Illinois “Good morning, Sensei,” Miyu said when Kara, the girls, and I walked into the dojo on Saturday morning. “Good morning, Miyu.” “Do you have a moment, please?” I nodded and we went to the small practice room for privacy, as Sensei Jim had a family in his office. “What can I do for you?” “I need you to meet a young man,” she said. “I think you might be taking this ‘not do anything without permission’ a bit too far!” Miyu shook her head, “No, I’m not....
May 1979 The limo dropped me at home about 9:00pm. I took my stuff to my room, stripped, and hung up the tux. The rest of the things went into the hamper. I took a shower, put on shorts and a t-shirt, and walked down the hall into my dad’s office. I saw no reason to put this off any longer. “Stephen, you need to explain yourself!” my mom demanded. “I was in Mrs. McGrath’s, well, Mrs. Sanders’ now, wedding, as I said.” “You walked her down the aisle! You’re sixteen and not even related to...
November 3, 1990, Chicago, Illinois “I still don’t understand why you told everyone to leave Katy alone last night,” Elyse said on Saturday morning. “Because we weren’t going to talk her out of it. I could tell by the way she told us. I hoped letting her sleep on it would allow her to hear what we had to say. Obviously I was wrong.” “I was surprised that she wouldn’t talk to Jennifer at all,” Kara said. “I thought Jennifer would be the one to get her to listen to reason this morning.” I...