The Partnership aka Bad DeaconChapter 12
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Marcy and I drove the SUV into Grenada to the address on the DMV registration. The house was a nice early20th century home. I researched a little deeper using the DMV information. It turned out the car in my driveway the night before was owned by a local baptist minister named Michael Allen.
“Hello, Mrs Allan, My name is Mathew Andrews, and this is my daughter Marcy. I was wondering why your husband was at my home last night around 9PM?” I asked. I tried to keep my tone civil and not combative.
“To be honest Mr Andrews, I have no idea. I know he was trying to arrange things last night for this week’s tent meeting,” Jules said.
“Can you phone him to see what he wanted with me,” I asked. “I was thinking if it wasn’t too much we might could arrange it.” We were busy still cutting grass, but the number of jobs had evened out.
“He just wanted to ask you to pack our tent over to the fair grounds,” She said holding a phone in her hand.
“I don’t have anything large enough, I’m afraid. Usually those tents are very large. The circus moves their tents in eighteen wheelers. My trailer is about the size of two pickup trucks. I’m really very sorry,” I said.
“Well, you and your daughter should come to the first night,” she said. “That is if we can get the tent up.”
Back in the SUVI asked Marcy, “You feel better now?”
“Yes I do. That big black SUV looked ominous,” Marcy said.
“Well one thing I did get from this is we need flood light in the yard. I never had anyone come looking for me, so It never seemed important. Now it seems like something to which I should have paid attention.I’m going to research flood lights first chance I get.”I said.
The first chance was at lunch after our first lawn care job. I was sitting in the closest McDonald’s with Marcy. Talkingto her and looking up outdoor flood light at the same time.
“You seem to be much stronger already,” I suggested.
“Well maybe physically, but I still can’t do my confessions,” Marcy said.
“When you are ready, it will be fine. There is no rush. Trust me nothing is going to change,” I said.
“You can’t know that,” Marcy said.
“Well what I do know is that solar flood light with motion sensors is the way to go,” I said. “I can get two lights to cover all four sides of the house for a hundred bucks. That’s the way to do. I can install them and save more than the purchase price by not having to hire an electrician.
“That is so you. You solve a problem with a simple solution, and ignore one that is too difficult,” she said with a laugh.
“Honey your confession is your problem to solve, not mine,” I said. “There are somethings no one can handle for you. Sure your mom thinks she can, but she can’t solve every problem for you.”
I finished my burger and iced tea, then stood and said, “So let’s go solve my problem. We can run by Home Depot before our next job.”
I bought two solar charged, battery powered, flood lights. If I got home in time, I planned to install them after work.
After home depot we drove to the nursing home to do their lawn again. I had a few regulars, as well as the call ins and the pickup customers. The work grew until November when it was just over.
Marcy and I managed, with Maxwell’s help, to keep everything moving along until the end. By November it was time to consider a new schedule. Marcy was going to the clinic every other week, and she had a twelve step program the week she didn’t have therapy. It turned out the twelve step program was held in the Sunday School building of the baptist church the Reverend Allen pastored.
I met the Reverend Allen a few times, but I never mentioned his attempted visit to our home. On our first meeting I wondered about it, but didn’t mention it.To be honest, I was afraid it was one more of Marcy’s secrets. When she told me where her group sessions were being held, I was even more concerned.
Her bike was up and running in September, then it was perfected by November. That is why I wasn’t driving her to the church for her meetings at the beginning of November...
“Deacon, you remember Jules?”Marcy asked when we were having breakfast at the crossroads diner on Monday morning.
“Sure, you are the pastor’s wife,” I said.I said it to the woman who was walking by.
“I hope I’m more than that. I assume you hope you are more than Marcy’s dad, “she said.
“You do have a point. Why don’t you have a seat and join us for breakfast,” Marcy asked.
“Michael should be here soon, but I will join you for coffee while I wait,” she said.
“Good,” I admitted. “I’ll get you some coffee. How do you take it?”
“Black like my skin, and your soul,” she said.
“Are you black, I can’t tell from the way you talk. There I was thinking you all talked alike.” Thank God Jules laughed. Marcy was physically cringing.
Jules spoke to Marcy, “Your dad is hilarious.” She smiled only slightly.
“Careful, flattering a bear will just get you eaten,” I said without any expression.
“I’ll keep that in mind. I have heard that you do good things for our people,” Jules said.
“I try to do the right thing for all people. It’s how my Mother raised me,” I said.
“He does aim for that even though he sometimes misses the mark,” Marcy said.
“That is true,” I replied.
“At least your intentions are good,” Jules said with a smile.
“I hope so,” I said.
“You should bring your dad to a meeting. He might need to relate to us,” Jules suggested.
“Are you a patient or counselor,” I asked.
“We don’t have those, we have addicts, recovering addicts, and sponsors,” Jules said.
“Ah which one are you, “I asked.
“Clean and sober five years,” she said. “Michael set up the program locally so I could stay that way. Maybe even help someone else along the way.”
“That makes your life is more valuable than most people’s lives, “I said.
“It isn’t near enough, but like you, I try,” she said.
“I’m sure they can always use you at the kitchen,” I said with a grin.
“You wouldn’t say that, if you ever tasted my cooking,” she replied.
“Trust me it has to be better than ours,” I said. Since I hadn’t heard her voice in a while, I looked over at Marcy. She did not look happy. “Right Marcy?”
“Right dad,” she said.
“I need to call Michael. He should have been here by now,” Jules said.
Listening to a one sided phone conversation is boring, so I tuned her out. I looked at Marcy and smiled. “Well Michael got held up.I’m going to get take out and meet him at the church,” she said.
“Well it was very nice to meet you again. It was a fun chat, “I said.
“Yeah, what he said,” Marcy agreed.
“Thanks deacon, and Marcy I’ll see you at our Wednesday morning group?” she asked.
“Yes, and you know I think I’ll get Deacon to come along, “Marcy said.
“Good,” Jules said as she turned to the door. Marcy had nothing to do after breakfast on Monday, so she rode her three wheeled scooter to Sarah’s 2nd chance store.
I stayed home to play on my computer. I didn’t have any plans for the weeks, so I just played video games. I was deep into half naked cartoon character women fighting and killing men. It actually was pretty cool for a while, but quickly got boring.
“I’m going to help Sarah with the store today. She has something to do away from the store,” Marcy explained over the phone.
“So what is she doing that she needs you to cover the store?” I asked.
“I didn’t ask. I just agreed to hang out there till noon, Why?” Marcy asked.
“I just wonder if she has something going on the side these days,” I said.
“It could be a doctor’s visit or a date, “Marcy said.
“Yes it could be that, or she could be taking over the clean out business,” I said.
“I’ll keep an eyes open, “Marcy said.
“Good, Sarah will tell you. If a thought enters her head, within a second it exits her mouth,” I said with a laugh.
“It hasn’t worked that way so far, but I will try to give her a push,” she said.
“Don’t do that, just listen,” I suggested. “Trust me she will open up to you.”
“Okay daddy, “she said.
I didn’t see her again until dinner. After she got home from Sarah’s, she switch to her usual sitting around the house outfit. Her at home outfit was just a couple of tiny bits of cloth covering her private parts. I should ask her why she dressed like that, even if I didn’t want to ask her to stop. Instead I opted for the status quo.
The house was warm and cozy, even though the temperature outside was going to be almost drop to freezing overnight. Since I was up and dressed the next morning, I gave Marcy a ride to do a shift at the2nd chance store. We stopped for breakfast at the downtown grill. I looked around to see if I knew anyone. I didn’t.
“You looking for Jules?”Marcy asked.
“Actually, I’m looking for the reverend from the soup kitchen,” I said.
“What do you want with him?”Marcy asked.
“Looking for gossip, “I said.
“Don’t bother Jules and Michael are good people,” she said.
“I’m sure they are. Why do you think I want to talk about the preacher and his wife, “I asked.
“You have been acting strange since you met her. I think you fancy her?” Marcy said and she wasn’t laughing.
“Well, I’m not looking for another woman in my life. Everything is fine now. I just want to know what is what with them, “I said.
“They seem like decent people to me. Jules tries to help me. She is my sponsor,” Marcy said.
“You should have told me. How long has she been your sponsor?” I asked.
“Since I joined he twelve step program. She saw me the first time I showed up. She helped me meet people,” Marcy said.
“Good, then if you trust her, I will trust her. Hell, I’ll even trust her husband Michael,” I said.
I dropped Marcy at Sarah’s 2nd chance store on my way to have my yard equipment serviced. The only thing that needed a tune up was the Cubby. The electric equipment just needed cleaning with gasoline and a stiff brush. I lubricated everything and put it away.
“Hi dad, I’ve been invited to Ester’s house for dinner tonight,” she said. “I can get Sarah to drive me home. Is that okay?”
“Of course, be home by midnight, or I will worry,” I said.
“You got it dad, “she said.
I worried the whole time. I knew Marcy could and did lie on occasion. She could be planning to get high. There was nothing I could do but trust her. Oh yeah I could worry every minute she was out of my sight. I would do that anyway. I always did.
That evening, I had a sandwich, then went to bed early. At11PM I heard the front door open. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“Home alone and sober as a judge,” she said.
“That isn’t reassuring considering how many alcoholic judges I’ve met over the years,” I said.
“Well then I as sober as a ten year old,” she said.
She came in my room as she said it. She also removed her jeans and top. She turned her back to remove her bra and pull her night shirt over her head. I did manage a glimpse of her breasts. They were exotic because they were discolored here and there from her injuries.”
I awoke the next morning with an erection. I hoped like hell it wasn’t because of the memory of Marcy’s breasts. She had been teasing me for months and I knew it. I also knew it was wrong. I couldn’t figure out her motive or what she could possible get out of it. I went into the shower and everything worked itself out.
I was dressed in a pair of cotton twill pants, a red jersey shirt over a sleeveless thermal tee shirt. I wore those as I made and drank coffee. I had to stay calm when I thought of Marcy that morning as I did most mornings. I didn’t have any idea how I should feel about her.
“So daddy are you up to my meeting?”she asked. I must have looked confused since she added, “My ‘Alcohol and Narcotics Anonymous’ meeting.”
“Sure as long as I can observe. There won’t be enough time for me to make a confession,” I added.
“Your turn will come one day,” Marcy said seriously.
“We have time before the meeting, how about we pick up breakfast and drive to the lake,” I suggested. I had a bad feeling about the meeting. It was something Jules and Marcy had conspired about for sure. Maybe it was Marcy’s big secret, or maybe they thought an intervention was in order.Either way that day and that meeting was likely to be life altering for me. I wanted a quiet breakfast sandwich by the lake with my little girl.
Marcy seemed to feel the importance of the day as well. She talked a little but kept it vague. She did mention her scooter and having to learn how to deal with a slower pace of life.
She seemed to greatly miss her old life. I couldn’t blame her the changes had been pretty drastic. Also the fact that she never had the chance to prepare for it at all had to be a bitch, I thought. I couldn’t say all that to Marcy. I just felt a little pain and pride. Pain for her, and pride for what she had accomplished. Now it is time to face the music, I thought.
The drive went way too fast. I needed at least half an hour more to prepare myself for the meeting. Oh hell, I knew that even that wouldn’t be enough time to get ready for whatever Jules and Marcy had in store for me.
I followed Marcy into the basement of the Zion Baptist Church. It was a small church with the Sunday School rooms in the basement. On that day they had turned the Sunday School building over to Alcohol and Narcotics Anonymous.
There were six people who looking like addicts and Jules, Marcy, and of course me. We were all milling about. There was a restaurant type bowl with money on a table with a big urn filled with coffee. I dropped a five dollar bill into the bowl and fixed myself a coffee.
A couple of minutes later Jules came over. “We are about ready to start so grab a chair. You should take a chair in the circle.” she said.
I nodded and toss the still full coffee cup into the fifty gallon plastic bag lined can.
Marcy sat down beside me. Iwas greatly impressed that she did that. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all, I thought.
A man in a cheap suit was first to speak. “My name is Hal and I’m an Alcoholic, “He said.
“Hello Hal,” we all said.
“For those of you who are new here,” he said looking at me. “I’m a police detective sergeant. I work in the crimes against property unit. It’s where they put detectives that the brass don’t quite trust. I give you my word I’m not here spying on anyone. I’m just here trying to stay sober.”
He went on to tell us how low he got, before he made his way to Jesus. It was interesting in it’s own way. I had seen cops do some evil shit while on a bender, so I didn’t judge him.
Marcy stood up next. I had been pretty sure that was the point of dragging me along. “Hi, I’m Marcy and it’s been seven months since I had a drink or an unapproved pill.”
There were a lot of comments all of them supportive. So she went on. “I had a hospitalization after which I was diagnosed as having an addictive personality. Everyone, including me, though it was the result of the pain. I had to get all that shit out of my system before I could even begin to look at my life. At that point in my life everything had turned to shit. When I went into therapy, I had been clean a couple of weeks. The doctor forced me to take a more serious look at my life. He knew I was a relapse waiting to happen.
I looked at my whole life. That’s when I and realize the addiction was just the latest symptom of a life out of control. Once I got looking into it, I realize I had been fucked up all my life. Well maybe not all my life, but for sure the last part of it. I can’t remember feeling lost and alone before my dad left my mother. Truth is she took me and we left him. It was worse somehow because he didn’t think I was worth fighting for. At least that’s how I felt. And Mom, God love her, played the victim even though she was already living with a lawyer.
I had to find a new position in a new family. When I figured it out, I was fourteen years old. To be honest it wasn’t my step father’s idea. It was mine totally. I can only blame him from not saying no. He was a grown man and I was a fourteen year old child. That isn’t the point.The point was I began to flirt with my step father. I felt like that assured my place in the family, so I kept it up. I sold my soul for an I phone. Everything thing that happened was my own fault. He never instigated anything. I took everything he offered me, and went only as far as I wanted.
The flirting was a personality trait by the time I went to college. I had already been drinking wine at home by then. College was just an extension of my home life. I slept around and drank a lot of alcohol. I tried drugs, but never got involved in that scene. I wanted to be a cop. Cops drink alcohol and maybe smoke a little weed, but nothing more.
So the rehab was always in my future, I just didn’t know when it was going to happen. The beating I sustained was just the precipitating event. Afterward my family was so supportive. I could never have done it alone.
It has been so hard to say this in front of my dad. I tried but I just couldn’t tell him his little girl was a slut. It’s hard for him to see me as a gown woman, and hard for me to realize I will always be his little girl. Maybe this is where we can start being honest with each other,” she said sitting down.
My first thought was I’m going to kill Ed. If I find out Marty knew about it, I might kill her too. Then I realized I was the one to blame. I should never have left her with Marty. At the time I just needed to get away. I should have fought for her. I should have kidnapped her, if need be. Marty was probably a high functioning alcoholic. I knew she drank too much even back then. I should have thought of what was best for Marcy, but I didn’t.
Marcy was chatting with the other people from the group while I looked on. I decided that I could be proud of Marcy without being proud of every single thing she had ever done. It was a revelation. I had always made allowances for her because I loved her and was proud of her. I realized that I shouldn’t have done that. I should have held her accountable for everything. I should have loved her in spite of it all. I was proud of the courage it took for her to face all her fuck ups.
I was standing looking at her talk to Hal, when Jules came to me. “Are you okay?”she asked.
“I’m learning about the relationship between Marcy and me, but it’s a good thing,” I said.
“Don’t make the mistake of judging how she is around you with how she was with the others. She is just comfortable with you. She isn’t looking for anything.” Jules said.
“Yes, I suppose I see that,” I said.
“Good,” she said as Marcy walked up.
“Are you okay?” I asked Marcy.
“Sure how about you,” She asked me.
“I’ll be okay. I will have to process it all and figure out what it means,” I said.
“I know,” Marcy said. “I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s the only way I could tell you about what happened after mom left.”
“I know honey. I’m mad at myself not you. I don’t know who deserves the most blame for what happened to you. I promise it’s going to be okay between us.” I explained.
It was true Marcy had gone through the minor version of hustling for every thing she had in life. It was nothing compared to growing up in a Ghetto environment. She didn’t have anything else to compare her life with except the life of other entitled kids. She felt compelled, if not to whore for her next meal, to curry favors with her body. Favors like a car to drive to school like her friends. I could never understand the depth of her humiliation, but I could feel anger that she had to go through it.
She made it clear that Ed hadn’t demanded a quid pro quo, but she had demanded it of herself. I didn’t know the details, and I didn’t want to know them. I considered killing Ed. It came to me early that spending the rest of his life with Marty was far worse then spending eternity in hell. If he ever really dumped Marty, I probably would kill him with no regrets.
Marcy and I made it to the church Exit sign, when Jules walked quickly up to us. “Mr Andrews, you still owe me a lunch. I’m calling in my rain check,” she said.
“Jules this might not be the best time,” I said.
“No Daddy, this is the best time possible,” Marcy said.
“Well pick a place,” I demanded.
“Make it ‘No Way Jose’”Marcy said. “Mexican seems appropriate today.”
Marcy and I went in my truck. Jules pulled into the parking lot a few seconds later. The restaurant was close to the church, so Marcy and I didn’t speak during the drive.
“Daddy you go on in and get us a table, “Marcy demanded. She and Jules stood in the parking lot for a few minutes then came in.
“So since you picked the place, “I said to Marcy. “Let me pick the topic of conversation. What is so secret you needed to talk to Jules in the parking lot?”
“Maybe lunch together wasn’t the best idea,” Jules said.
“No it was,” Marcy said to Jules. “This has to be done and I need the moral support.”
Then to me, “Daddy I’ve applied to a law school.”
“The university of Mississippi is only a hundred or so miles away, so I think it’s great, “I said with a sick feeling.
“No, I applied to Temple,” she said avoiding my eyes,
“Oh I see, Were you accepted?” I asked.
“For t he spring semester. Before I get into the law school, I have to take a couple of courses from the prelaw curriculum. I can get it all done before the new fall classes begin,” She explained. Jules studied the menu while she spoke.
“Daddy I know you don’t want me to return to Philly, but mom is there. I’m going to live on campus, and I promise not to let her stop my progress. I’m going to stay in the twelve step program and even counseling. Ed will pay for it or I’ll ruin him. His clients will run, if I tell my story. It isn’t all that bad, but I can make it sound worse.”
“So you have gone from victim to avenging angel. I approve,” I said with a heavy heart.
“I may not need too much help. I have the money from the NJ state police, some scholarships from the state’s retraining program, and I have applied for some grants from the school. Ed is just going to have to make up the short fall,” Marcy explained.
“You know that if you need anything, I will take care of it,” I said meaning it.
“I know daddy, but what fun would it be to just coast through. It’s more fun to scramble a little. I learned that from you,” She said.
“Well try to do a little good while you are being an ambulance chaser,” I said.
“Oh she will. She has her eyes on being a judge,” Jules interjected.
“Well she will get what she wants. I have absolute no doubt of that,” I explained.
Marcy stayed with me until December15th, when she caught an am track train from Jackson to Philly. After she boarded the train, I sat in my pickup truck and came very close to tears. I wondered if I had told her enough times that I loved her. I wanted her to believe that she was the most important thing in the world to me, because she was.
After the meeting at the church I stopped making plans. I’m not sure why her leaving had thrown me into an even deeper funk. It was much deeper than I imagined it could be. I was pretty sure I was in a state of clinical depression. I knew it, but I couldn’t crawl out of it for weeks.
It was well into the new year when I awoke one morning and just decided that it was time for me to go back to the world of the living. Yes I had continued the soup kitchen pickup and deliveries, but I did nothing else. Even the women at the soup kitchen knew something was wrong, They made sure I ate at lease on the days I make the deliveries.
It was Jules who finally forced me into the world of the living again. “Marcy has been calling me asking about you. The only people who have seen you are the cooks at the soup kitchen. So tell me you are okay, so I can tell Marcy, “she said.
“I’m fine. How is Marcy?”I asked
“She has started classes and says she likes it fine. She put you ex-wife in her place, so they are battling right now, “Jules said.
“That’s a good thing, I hope,” I admitted.
“So are you alright or not?” she asked.
“I’m fine,” I said.
“Bullshit, this place smells bad. You need to get out of here and air this place out,” she said.
“Just in case you didn’t know, it is in the thirties out there, “I said.
“Just get off your ass and let’s clean this place. When I leave it will not smell of sweat and body fluids. It will smell of bleach,” she informed me.
I did most of the heavy work, but she prodded me every inch of the way. I will admit that I needed the push to get started. I also will admit that half an hour into the cleaning my attitude changed. I wanted to finish the job. I have no idea if it was because of something she said, or my urge to not leave any job half done. Either way I continued to work after she left to meet her husband for dinner. She did try to get me to go along, but I refused.
I drove out to dinner, but I was alone. Somehow I wasn’t ready to share my misery with anyone else. I wanted to wallow in it for at least one more day. After dinner I returned to the house to answer my phone messages. There were two recent ones for cleaning out spaces.
I arranged the largest job for the next day. Then I made a call to Sarah. “Hey I got a clean out and throw away job in a rural community near here. You want to help?”I asked.
“Sure, I’ll be at your place at9AM. I’m glad it’s not your place that needs clearing,” she said.
“I haven’t looked at the place, so it may be a lot of crap,” I said.
“They always are,” she said.
I read a few of the over two hundred emails. Most of the ones I read were from family. Most of the ones I didn’t read were junk mail or con mail. I was ready for bed before midnight. It was the longest I had stayed awake since Marcy left. It was like I was afraid to fall asleep. That night I fell asleep from simple exhaustion.
Sarah arrived at five minutes after nine in the morning. For her that was early. I quickly finished my Bran Flakes Cereal from Walmart. I threw in a few raisins when I made it every morning. Yes I am a creature of habit and I returned to my habits when Marcy left. I hated eating alone, so I refused to eat breakfast out. My one exception was getting an egg and cheese biscuit and a senior coffee from McDonalds twice a week. I used the drive thru then transported the white paper bag to the parking lot of the town’s marina park. There I watched the weather over the lake. I do believe it might be the only thing that kept me sane.
The morning of the cleaning job it was a cold cereal day. Sarah had to watch me finish the bowl, then wash it. I finally got out of the house by9:30AM. We were in the Blazer, which I still hadn’t restored, when Sarah asked, “So when you going to rejoin the living. She has started school by now hasn’t she.”
“Yes she is doing fine,” I replied.
“Then it’s time to stop kicking yourself,” Sarah said.
“There no expiration date on guilt feelings,” I said.
“Okay, but you need to cheer up at least. Like a smart man once told me, If you cant be happy, just fake it.” Sarah said.
“What lame idiot said that?”I replied with a smile.
“You,” she said.
“I thought so. Silly asshole I am. Let’s get to work before I give you more stupid advice, “I said.
The family had signed my salvage agreement, so I verified the address, then began salvaging the contents of a three bedroom older ranch house. We spent about four hours clearing it before I did the final walk through. I checked for an attic opening before I called the job complete.
There was no opening to the attic, so I opened the crawlspace door. I shined a very powerful led light under the house. I saw some lumber, a small bicycle, and a green .50 caliber ammo can. I pulled both outside. The bike was old but not a classic. The can was sealed. It held mostly photographs and a bank book. The kind that people used to carry in when making deposits. I remember my dad doing that.
I drove to the owner of the house’s work place. I showed him the photographs in the can. He told me he appreciated the photographs. I showed him the antique account book.
“If there is any money in it, I consider it part of the job. I do thank you for the photographs. I doubt there is any money there,” he said.
“Well you should at least call the bank. It’s your money, if there is any,” I said and dropped the passbook back into the ammo can. Then I dumped the can’s contents on his desk. I do want this can though.”
I received a check in the mail a week later for five hundred dollars. It was a ten percent finder fee for bringing the account to his attention his note said. More likely it was a payoff to keep me from contesting the ownership of the account. The bank was probably making a nuisance payoff. I learned something new every job, it seemed.
Sarah worked with me several more times before the weather warmed and the grass grew. She didn’t want to routinely get calls for lawn work, so I gave her all the ‘clean out’calls.
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