A Weekend IRL Ch 09
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Late on Friday, an announcement was made that there would be a special convocation for the entire school on Saturday morning at nine o’clock. Attendance was mandatory. There was just a little more than the usual bitching about having to get up at the crack of dawn on a weekend yet, but the students and faculty all appeared.
Entering the auditorium, they found a rostrum on stage with a few chairs flanking it. Promptly at nine, President Arnn appeared and began the meeting. Jane Smith was seated in one of the chairs, but she was the only other person on stage.
“Good morning,” he began, “and please accept my apologies for hauling you out of bed at such an ungodly hour on a Saturday. But it’s essential, as I hope you will all agree. First, it gives me great pleasure to announce the appointment of Jane Smith as the new librarian of the college. Woody Wheelwright has resigned to take the position of chief librarian at Sterling Memorial Library at Yale University.” Arnn paused for a moment and then added, “But you know what? When he learns what happened Thursday evening, I think he might regret his decision.
“You see, there is more to my announcements this morning.
“First, through the incredible generosity of Mary Smith of Chicago, we are the recipients of some priceless bits of Americana.” At that point, Arnn reached under the podium, brought out a framed picture and placed it in front of the podium.
Returning to his position, he continued, “What you see in front of me is only one. It arrived late yesterday. Because of your distance from the stage, most of you can’t see what this is, so I’ll describe it. First, there is a picture taken from a 19th century magazine showing troops attacking through the peach orchard at Pittsburgh Landing, Tennessee in 1862. A great battle was fought there when Albert Sydney Johnston caught Ulysses S. Grant unprepared. In two days of fighting, over 20,000 men were lost, about 10,000 on each side. The Confederates called it the battle of Shiloh.
“Because of the carnage, Grant was considering resigning as commander of the Union Army of the Tennessee. Below the picture is a letter, and it is the original. It is a handwritten letter from Abraham Lincoln to Grant pleading with him not to resign.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this document is truly priceless, and it is now ours.
“It will be housed in a new Emily Amelia Hardwick wing of the library, and is part of Mrs. Smith’s gift to us.” He then described the new wing and its features. When he mentioned comfortable chairs, there were quiet cheers from the students.
Then he brought out the portrait of Emily Amelia. “This is a portrait of Emily Amelia Hardwick in whose name the library is being built. When you study it, you will see an incredible lady. She never married because the love of her life was killed at the Battle of Midway almost 60 years ago. You’ll see in the portrait the Navy Cross and other medals for valor he won that day.” Arnn paused for a moment and then continued, “Beyond that, though, the portrait is an original Vance, and virtually priceless in its own right. This portrait will hang proudly over the fireplace in the new library.
“But there’s more,” Arnn continued. He took the portrait back and replaced it with another letter. The picture showed a city in flames. “The picture here is the burning of Atlanta by Sherman’s troops. The accompanying letter is truly remarkable. It is a letter from a woman in Atlanta to her husband, an officer in the Confederate Army. In it she describes the sacking of Atlanta. But the remarkable thing about the letter is the way it is written.” He went on to describe how the woman was able to get six pages on a single sheet of paper.
Then he described a number of other similar documents that had been donated to the school. “And all of these items are now in the custody of our library, and our new chief librarian, Jane Smith.”
He smiled and then continued, “But that’s not all: There is more to the Smith gift. She has endowed the Hardwick Chair in American Literature. It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you our first Hardwick Professor of American Literature.” At this point Arnn digressed and shook his head sadly. “I just don’t know...” he said. “This chair has been endowed with a $5-million gift. This will produce an income to the professor of at least $200,000 per year. And that’s more than I make!”
He grinned and continued, “But I digressed. It is with great pride that I would like to introduce the first Hardwick professor, Dr. Samuel Johnson!”
Jane’s jaw dropped as Sam appeared from the wing of the stage. Arnn continued, “Some of you may recognize Dr. Johnson, although not the way he’s dressed this morning. More commonly, you would see him wearing a yellow hardhat with the PHA Construction logo on it. You see, he is — and will continue to be — construction manager on all the construction now in progress on campus.”
Arnn grinned and continued, “It’s a good thing, too. Since he will be joining our permanent faculty as soon as the construction is complete, it’s now certainly in his own best interest that things be done right. After all, he’ll be around for a long time to listen to any complaints regarding things left undone or done poorly.”
The president then cited Johnson’s academic accomplishments, including his Ph.D. from Columbia University and the publication of his dissertation which had become a best seller.
“Finally,” Arnn said, “I can’t tell you how pleased I am to announce the engagement of Dr. Johnson to Miss Jane Smith! They’re going to be married in June!”
Hearing those words, Jane’s jaw really dropped. But before she could do or say anything, Sam had taken her into his arms and kissed her. Just as their lips met, Jane was starting to sputter, so it created a very odd feeling in their kiss. When they eased apart, she was speechless.
Reaching into his pocket, Sam took out a beautiful engagement ring. Taking her nerveless left hand, he slipped the ring on her third finger, then kissed her again. This time she wrapped her arms around his neck and really unloaded with all of her love.
Easing apart again, Sam whispered, “Jane, I love you. Will you marry me?”
“Of course,” she replied, “but you have to know I hate you. Just imagine! A girl learns that she’s engaged to be married ... when the president of her school announces it to the whole world. So I hate you, Samuel Johnson. And you never told me about your academic accomplishments, either—”
Her speech was truncated by another kiss.
At that point, Arnn changed tack. Looking around the auditorium, he asked, “Are the Harris twins here this morning?”
Indeed, my sisters were present, but they were taken aback by being singled out. Nevertheless, both stood up.
“Ah, great!” Arnn said when he saw them. “Please come up here, girls. You have a part in this morning’s little play.”
They made their way forward, went up on stage and stood beside the president.
“Ah, yes. Here are the troublemakers,” Arnn continued with his eyes twinkling. “Folks, standing here are the Harris twins, Ann and Elizabeth ... although Elizabeth is better known as Little Bit. She’s the blue-eyed golden-haired blonde, while her sister, Ann, is the green-eyed, tawny-haired blonde.” He looked closely at Ann and then remarked, “You know what? Ann’s coloring is the same as that of their tigers. I didn’t realize that before.”
Getting back on track he said, “But why are these two up here? The answer to that is pretty simple: They’re the troublemakers who’ve caused us to receive two billion dollars! It all started late last December when I received a call from their older sister, Kristin. The sister was calling to complain about our interminable admissions process, and particularly the length of our application. ‘Couldn’t we short-circuit the process?’ she asked, ‘for maybe half a billion dollars?’
“Well! I mean ... Really! I’m certain that she wasn’t aware of the fact that our admissions package represents 150 years of accumulated achievement on the part of generations of admissions officers. Each one had to make his or her own contribution to posterity in the form of some addition to the material, after all. But then I thought of 500-million reasons why we ought to rethink the process.
“Anyway, here they are. And honest, we didn’t let down the bars too much. After all, they are co-valedictorians. They did score 1600 combined on their SATs. The only grades showing on their transcripts are A’s and A+’s. They’re co-captains of their cheerleading squad that’s a national award winner. But in spite of all of that, we admitted them anyway.
“And what happened? Well, I’ll tell you what happened. It’s said that ‘no good deed goes unpunished.’ Well, guess what? These two are living proof of the validity of that statement. Just because we accepted half a billion dollars on their behalf, now we’re stuck with four times that amount, along with a few new buildings and the library addition I mentioned earlier.
“I have them up here so you’ll all know whom to blame. And it isn’t me!”
He grinned and ended by saying, “There’s one more thing: Our football team has a scrimmage against University of Michigan this afternoon. I have it from knowledgeable sources — all NFL Pro Bowl players — that the results today are going to be significantly different from what many expect. I hope that as many of you as possible will be able to attend. Admission is free, by the way.
“And thank you all for coming!”
The football team and cheerleading squad had practiced again on Friday, and on Saturday there was the game against the Wolverines of University of Michigan. Hillsdale had been scrimmaging the Wolverines off and on for years, usually, as this year, at the end of spring practice. For the Hillsdale players, the scrimmages had come to be greeted with all the enthusiasm generated by a toothache. But this year was different ... very different.
In the first place, there were the eight incoming freshmen. While the Hillsdale players would have been the first to admit they were not experts on the game, at the same time, they had just had two full days working out with some of the very finest men ever to play the game. And the pros had assured them that the new men were very good indeed.
For their part, the Michigan team members looked forward to the trip. Hillsdale had a lovely campus in a lovely part of the state. Moreover, since its enrollment was only 1,100, its football stadium was correspondingly small, in stark contrast to Michigan’s 100,000-plus seat behemoth. Although there was little interest in the scrimmage at Michigan, since the school was roughly 50 times larger than Hillsdale, they were able to comfortably fill the stands on their side of the field. To the players, it reminded them of playing in high school when it was still fun.
The fun didn’t last very long, though.
Things began to change when the Hillsdale team came bounding out on the field in their brand-new uniforms. (Sorry about that. Yes, I have a piece of a major sporting goods company, and, because a football uniform’s components come from different suppliers, they’re used to working together. So when the controlling shareholder — me — needs something in a hurry, it becomes available. Also in a hurry.) The players thought they really looked good in their new blue and white uniforms, too. But that wasn’t the change. The Hillsdale cheerleaders were lined up flanking the team’s entrance on the field. But the team was led through the alley by four giant Bengal tigers.
For the fullest effect, the Michigan team was already on the field preparing for the start of the scrimmage when the tigers appeared. The tigers formed a row and sped out onto the field, stopping at the 40-yard line. There the four stood up on their hind legs, clawed the sky and let out frightening screams of rage. The Wolverines were shocked by the new Hillsdale Tigers, but the Hillsdale fans went wild! They loved it!
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