A Scarred Wonderland
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Chapter 1: memories
looking at the blood that's trickling down my wrist and staining the carpet, and with tears over filling my eyes and running down my face. I look back on what life i had and what had happened to lead me to were i am at this moment. They say that when you die you see your life flash before your eyes, but they don't so why that is. I believe that it's your braincells dying and they're releasing all the memory's that you had and they're funneled into one streamline event. Then right at the very end depending on what you were raised to believe, like if you sin you'll feel the fires of hell apon you before you pass, or if you go to heaven you'll feel the ever so cooling breeze kiss your skin and welcome you to a eternity of peace and happiness...Well i feel the fires of hell starting to warm my skin welcoming me to an eternity of pain that would only match the ever so short life that i have lead...so it shouldn't be to bad.....
"Anthony wake up it's time for school" my sister said as i looked at her through hazy eyes.
She came in my room to wake me up everymorning because an alarm clock woudn't normally wake me up. "Yea yea i'm getting up". I grudgingly got out of bed, put on my blue shirt and baggy jeans. Went down stairs and grabbed a coke. Me and my sister's Kelly and Marie went down to catch the bus. Kelly was in 9th grade, Chelsy was in 7th grade. Kelly and Marie's bus came before mine because the highschool bus went both to middle school and highschool. My bus on the other hand came 10 minutes after there's. I was standin there talkin to mike, he's in the same grade as me. My mom say's that i've known him since i was 2. We both were talkin about what to do after school that day. My mom had just bought me the new Nentendo 64, so we were probably gonna play that. The bus was just coming around the corner when Mike said that there was a new student in school that i didn't know about, and he said he's from Newyork. Then the bus rolled around and we both got on and we both sat in the same seat, because there were a bunch of 5th graders. I kept on wondering what this new student was like because we don't get new kids that often, would he be mean a cool kid to hang out with or just someone who would blend into the crowd.
When we got to school we both went to our classes. i had Mrs. Glenn. She was a fun teacher, but she was obsessed with penguins for some reason. We were seated in table sections that were named by the types of penguins. Mine at the time was the macoroni penguin, but today we were switching up the seating arrangements. That was when i was seated at the little blue penguin table and patrick was seated next to me.
"Hey my names patrick" he introduced himself with a smile
"How you doin, my names Anthony"
And that was it, we kept talking getting in the trouble with the teacher and other stupid things. we would talk in class and apparently the teacher said we were disrupting the class from learning math, but who would wanna learn math. we kept up this little sharade when he told me where he lived and then that's when i figured out that he was only a mile walk from my house, well i think it's a mile he thinks it's shorter than that.then within a few years we started going to each other's house meeting both our parents and i remember the day that i met his dad it was creepy but funny. 'hey pat who's your new friend' he said picking his belly button...His dad left his family a year later. He moved to canada haven't heard from him since. We're both in 10th grade now with one day away from school starting and a great summer ending.
Chapter 2: 1 day left...
I slept in until 12 P.M. that day, i had just got done school shopping and i had worked with Ivy a week a earlier roofing, it was good enough pay for the job that was done. My room is dark blue with an old pioneer system next to my t.v. the carpets were greyish blue with stains here and there. I have a faded blue couch in my room with a pale white desk right behind it with two rolling chairs. and my bed is right next to the desk. I got out of bed and tripped on the leg of the chair and caught myself right before my head hit the wall. "Damn chair." i growled out in aggition. My phone rang just as i was about to go use the restroom. It was Marc he was my neighbor, i've known him for years. He was probably calling to know if i could help him build his new 20 by 40 deck. We had just got done puttin down the base, and now we're working on puttin on the floorbars. "Hello?" I said still with a groggy voice.
" Hey Anthony did you just get up?" he asked.
"Yea, watcha need man?" I said with a hint of irritation considering i had to take a piss.
"Dude you need to get up earlier, but anyways i was wonderin if you could help me with the deck". he said with a chuckle.
"Yea i just gotta piss and i'll be up" I added wanting to end the conversation quickly.
"alright man i'll see ya then" and he hung up. So i went to take a piss then put on a shirt and went downstairs to put on my boots. Walked out the door and lit up a ciggerette and starting walking down the street. I'd get my ciggerettes by walking down the road to the citgo and they'd normally wouldn't ask me for I.D. cause i had my hair grown out long and it made me look 4 years older than i am, and my voice helped out but i still had a little bit of a baby face.
I got up to Marc's house and we said our greeting's and starting putting on the floorboards. Then Marc's sister walked out, her names kristina. My god she looks as gorgeous as the first day i met her, she's like an angel...but she won't date me because she thinks of me to much like a brother. Which i think is bulshit but hey what can i do. She has long naturally black curly hair with a face that only angels have she was wearing shorts and a red abercrombie shirt. "Hey Anthony" she said in a cooling voice and perky smile "how ya been?"
" I've been good, how about you?" i asked with a grin.
"same. Wow what a gorgeous day." she said with peppiness about her.
"Sure is" Marc chimed in "couldn't ask for a better day for work".
"You can say that again" i added in.
We went back to work on the floor boards. Stack the would spread'em out even'em up then drill'em down. We did this for a few hours, the work was tiring but it had to be done. Marcs dad was at work he'd be home by the time we lay down the first section.
My phone rang and it was pat. "sup man how you doin?" i asked, pointing to marc that i'd be back in a second.
"nuttin much man, you wanna hang out today?" he asked.
"sure when you comin down?"
" i'll be down in about 20 minutes"
"alright man that sounds good, i'll c-ya then"
"ok, peace man" he hung up.
" hey Marc when's your dad gettin home?" i yelled across the yard.
" he'll be home in a little bit, why?" he asked
"Pats comin down, i'mma go chill with him for a bit."
"alright that sounds good, but can you help me get this last part done before you go?"
"sure"
By the time we had that done Marc's dad was home, and now i was on my way down to the house to meet pat. So i lit up another cigerette and went back to the house. I waited on the porch taking a drag from my cig, when i saw pat walkin down the road. "Hey" i yelled at him. "Whats going on man" he yelled back. He walked up to the house. Pat is alittle shorter than me he was wearing a red shirt that was clearly to big for him, with these baggy jeans. Short cut hair, with a red newyork hat on. "What's on the agenda today?" i asked. "nothin that i know of" he said
"You looking forward to school tomorrow" i said with a mocking tone
" ehhhh, didn't need you goin and remindin me" he said shakin his head with a irritated smile
" Well atleast i get my license next week so i can start drivin you to school"
" na i'll just take the bus, i like the people i meet on there."
" you sure" i asked
" yea man i'm sure" he said with smile
" alright man you do what you need to do" i said with a smirk
So i lit up another cigerette, and we sat on the porch talkin. Just stupid conversation that get a laugh or to. there was this one conversation that i can remember. he said it as a joke. "Hey kid do you wanna see a magic trick? well hold this camera." and he made his hand look like a gun and he held it to his head. " honey if your watching..." and by that time i was rolling with laughter.
" so when you gonna get your license pat?"
" i'mma wait til i'm 18 and just get my motorcycle license so i can ride in and out of traffic"
" you'll prolly get yourself killed" i said with a chuckle
" probably" he laughed
We talked and goofed around for an hour or so. Then we went up to Mike's house. We all went up in his room to play the xbox. Me and mike played guitar hero online, pat wasn't much into console gaming he preferred the computer, and so did i if i had the right game. we'd have a mic to talk to other people that we played against and we'd trash talk and make fun of'em, and we got a kick out of it. Mikes room is small, he has a bed to big for his room with a table with an outdate computer on it and his tv and xbox in the corner. So it's a little to crowded for all 3 of us.
"Mike are you ready for school?"
"yea i think i might do just fine, i just can't wait til basketball season". he chimed
we kept playin the xbox for a few hours. then me and pat left. it was dark outside by then, dad was home from work. So me and pat just sat on the porch talking for a 30 minutes or so.
"hey pat what do you think matter is?" i asked
" don't know man...i think it's the essence of time, and the very thing that we're made out of, beside carbon." he said half interested
' " i always thought that it's the gravity that holds us down. and the planets that move around it. it keep everything in check...makes sure things work out the way they're suppose to, or destroy the things no longer needed...." i said pondering my own thought.
" or it could be that matter is the building block of the universe, who know what molecule is made of... they keep getting smaller but there is always something that makes that. Where does it end? i mean why is the earth made of rock what is rock made of, what is that material made of that makes the rock? where did the material come from to make the big bang, where is the true beginning? why is life? what is life? who will answer these questions? the so called god? I think that there is a greater being but i just don't think it's what the religions portray and color coat as god...what i mean is, i think there is a god but not the one that the religions paint in an image....but i guess that's what needs to be done....everyone needs a shoulder to lean on in there bad times and alot of people lean towards 'god'...sometimes i just wish things were simpler..." pat said in a questioning tone.
"things are simply. The humanity as a society is simple, it's human as an individual that's complicated. society is stats, how many people buy this how many people buy that....as individuals it's why i like this and why i hate that...." i added in
"huh, well that makes since... Alright man i gotta get goin it's gettin late and i need some sleep."
" alright man that sounds good, i'll see ya tomorrow at school, i'mma go get some sleep my self." We shook hands and then said our goodbye again. Pat started walking home and i went inside. i stuck my head in to say good night to dad. He asked how my day went, and we both said goodnight. on my way up to my room i said goodnight to my mom. she slept in the living room because a few years back she had a heart attack and her hearts workin at 50% capacity and she has some potassium problems, she went to the doctor and gave her some pills. she's been unemployed and she stays up late so she just sleeps in the living room it has a nice big tv and a computer and a cozy fold out couch. i gave her a hug and a kiss then went up stairs to watch some tv and then doze off to sleep.....
Chapter 3: first day
I met mike at the bus stop. "sup mike lovely morning isn't it" i said sarcastically
"damnit, i wanna get this school year over with already..."
"i hear ya man, i hear ya." and that's when i noticed kristina walking down the street to catch the bus too. She was wearing a black shirt that said angel on it with glittering letter, and worn out blue jeans. she had her hair straightened out. "hey anthony, hey mike" she said as she walked and stood next to us. "hey kristina" i spoke while watching to see if the bus was coming. "sup kristina" mike added in as the bus rolled around the corner. we all got on to the bus. i sat in the back, mike sat in there seat across from me, and kristina sat in a few seat in front of me. The bus started moving, and my favorite thing to do while riding the bus was to just stare out the window and watch the world go by. I'd watch the trees zoom by and the pavement running underneath the bus... it was peaceful except for the noise of the people on the bus, i could hear conversations.
" hey becky i saw kenny chesney at a concert last week and damnit girl he was looking gooood!!" i heard a girl saying.
personally i like my heavy metal, my favorite band is killswitch.
"psst hey anthony what you think of the new freshman on the bus?" he asked in curiousity
"hmmmm, they're pretty good looking but i dunno if there the best thing i've seen in a while." i told him. " eh, same here, i think i'mma finally be able to go out with that ashley girl, man is she hot" he told me with a whistle. "yea i think i remember her is she the one with the huge tits?" i asked
" yea, that's the one. We've been talkin for the whole summer, and i'm goin to ask her out today."
" sounds good man, sounds good." i told him just as the bus was rollin into the school. it came to a stop and we all got off. For our first day we had to go to the gym and then go to our home room afterwards to get our schedules. The assembly was boring as usual, they introduced a new principal. Principal Deane, and a new assistant principal. Mr. Parent. after that they told the school what they wanted to accomplish and the new things that were going on this year. I met pat in there we sat next to each other.
" sup anthony how you doin?"
"eh, just listening to this boring assembly" i said with an irritating grin
" same here man, i just wanna get to home room. Atleast there i can talk to people." he told me fiddling with his bookpack.
" same" i said tapping my feet.
the assembly seemed like it went on forever...I looked around the room i saw waves and waves of people. We sat in sections, freshman one section sophmore the next and so on down the line. We sat in the new gym with new blue bleacher and huge rafters on the ceiling with 2 basketball nets it was a full court with shiny new wax. the essembly ended and we all merged out into the halls and horded out way to our homerooms. My homeroom was in the library i met up with some old friend. Alex was there Donny was therer Jordan was there and a few other people.
"sup donny how was your summer?" i asked while i was sitting down.
" pretty good how about you anthony?" he asked while he leaned over and shook my hand.
"my was good, could have been better but what's done is done." i said letting go of his hand
"true" Alex chimed in.
" And how about you alex, how was your summer?"
"eh, it was O.K. but like you said, it could have been better."
" everything can be better, just depend on how good you wanna make it." i said leanin back in my chair. We all talked about what we thought the school year was gonna be like, what classes we had. my classes were first period algebra1, second period Biology, third period German1, and fourth period wieghtlifting. so it looked like it was going to be a good semester. the bell rang and it was time for first period. walking through the halls just brought back a lot of memories from last year, good one bad one... My favorite memory was when Donny went through the halls with a bananna in his pants going up to people and thrust his hips at'em going 'WEEEEEE'. Man i was laughing so hard my eyes were watering. i got to my first class it was on the X hall. I wasn't to excited about that class, and i was happy that it was only 30 minutes long. I had Mrs. Dalton, she was a strict teacher. She just told us the problem and showed us how to do it, expecting us to do it. She was just really really plain. that class ended relatively quickly. the bell rang and we had to go to our next class. I met up with pat in the hall, he told me that he was coming down today after school because there's something he wanted to show me. He found this out last night.
I got to my next class which was biology. I had Mrs. Racquer, she was a peppy little thing with red hair and enough energy in her movements to tire out a child. she'd talk more about her life and life itself, more than she'd teach us about our lessons. i had a few friends in that class, Tex, Ben, Samantha. I knew them since middle school, Tex is obviously from Texas, he had that texan aditude hubris S.O.B he was. Ben i knew him from football, he played gaurd. He's a stocky man built just right for football, not to big not to small. I didn't play this year because i had been working all summer, and i needed the money to help pay for i insurance when i get my license. Samantha i knew through kristina they both were good friends, she has blonde hair and a tight body. She cheerleaded with kristina. Samantha passed me a note, it read. 'hey Anthony how was your summer?' and i wrote back 'It was good i just wish i hadn't lost your number, so i had someone better to talk to.' she passed it back 'awww, that's sweet, well no worries i lost my phone and had to get a new one so i lost your number too' She smiled and winked at me across the room. and i wrote back 'well her it is (number), in all fairness what's your number?' i passed the note back to her and she read the letter and grinned she started writing something down when my phone vibrated tellin me that i had a text it was pat and i read 'dude i downloaded "alchemist cookbook" and it has a bunch of stuff in there, and there's a drug recipe in there that i wanted to show you after school, but damnit i'm just too excited i want to show you now, meet me in the Y hall bathroom in ten minutes." I didn't text back. Samantha passed me the note and she wrote "i'll call you" she had a wicked smile on her face. I smiled back a mocking irritating stare in my eye and a grin on my face. She just winked at me, and i kept grinnin back...
It's been about 10 minutes and I raised my hand to use the restroom, but the teacher told me that there was only 10 minutes left in class and that i could just hold it. So i texted pat back "Hey man she's not lettin me use that bathroom i'll just meet up with you at lunch, what lunch you?". He texted back in a few minutes and i felt my phone vibrate. "i have first lunch" i texted back "awesome me too". by this time the teacher had got done with lecturing us on what we were going to do this semester. She gave us an assignment, we had to read pages 1-14 in our text book that she handed out at the beginning of class. As i was packing up my things and gettin ready for the bell to ring. the class had time to chit chat, and Samantha squeezed my arm. "Hey anthony do you really want my number back?" she said in a teasing voice. "Na but i'd like to take you out to the movies next week" i told her in the same teasing voice she gave me. "Maybe, just maybe. We'll see what happens" She spoke with a more serious tone and a smile that said she already knew her answer. The bell rang and we all hearded ourselves into the hallway, while the teacher was reminding us about our assignments. I was walking down the hallway seeing faces that i haven't seen in months. Saying hi here and there, to people that knew my name but i didn't know there's. I was heading to lunch to meet up with pat, and i saw mike on the way there. "hey man what class you got next?" he asked me. " man i get to go to lunch" i said with excitement in my voice "where you goin?"
"i'm goin to algebra, man do i hate math" he told me with a laugh
"well that sucks man. Well i'll talk to you after school" i said to him, starting to walk away.
I met pat in the lunch line, which was crowded due to the fact that 50% of the people in this school went to first lunch. Man was it noisy, i had to bring my voice up to talk to pat.
"hey man what is this drug recipe you're ranting about?"
"well it's cheap and effective which is great for us, considering that we hate spendin money on weed here and there"
"true, i do hate chuckin up money". i agreed
"well here it is. You mix robitussin with gingerale, and what that does is. The gingerale with it's high caffeine, it takes the inactive ingredients in robitussin and make's then active and the DXM in the robitussin creates a state of euphoria and something else that i can't remember for the life of me what the other state is. but it's awesome, and there's these triple C's that do the same thing but a little less intense, with different side effects." he told me in an exciting tone
"And where did you read this from?"
" I read it from the alchemists cook book, it has a bunch of shit in there. Teaches you how to make bombs and LSD, but the LSD is too expensive and dangerous to make."
"O.K. but how do we obtain all this shit?" i questioned him as the line kept kreeping along.
"That's simple we just steal this shit from ingles."
"Alright sounds solid enough, we can do this shit when i get my license" i told him
"when is that again?"
" I'll be getting it monday after school."
"alright, sounds good enough".
By that time it was out turn to get our trays. We were having hamburgers and french fries. Me and pat didn't haven't to pay because our family didn't make a certain amount of income a year. My dad works at a plant and mom gets an disability check every month. We "payed" for our lunch then went to go sit down at one of the tables. The table is blue with little black spots on it and it was round with blue round seats. the floor was black and white tiles. The noise was even louder when you get into the middle of everyone talking. Kristina was walking across the cafeteria and she spotted me and i waved at her. She came and sat down next to me.
"Sup buddy" she said in a cheery voice
"nuttin much. Hows school so far?"
"eh, it's boring but atleast i get to see some old friends, and i might add that i got some good classes this year"
" what classes did you get" i asked as i was taking a bite out of my hamburger.
"i have Geometry, English 2, Teen living, and woman's athletics." she said taking a sip or her milk
"Ah, sounds like a relaxing semester"
"Well the shit i got this semester sucks" Pat added in
"oh, and what is that pat?" i said sarcastically questioning him
"Well for starter i have, bulshit class, after bulshit class, after bulshit class" he said with a chuckle and a grin. I couldn't help but laugh. And so did kristina. time in the lunchroom was relaxing. After i got done eating i asked pat if he wanted to walk with and keep me company while i go to the sophmore parking lot and half a cigerette. He he didn't mind. So we walk out of the cafeteria and walk back in to sophmore parking lot. Now the sophmore parking lot was located at the back of the school with the woods right there. There were a few cars parked there, a black truck with big tires, a red car that looked like a GT mustang but it had dents in it and scratched up paint, sat nice and low to the ground.
We went into the woods, and i lit up a cigerette and took a drag from it. I liked making circles with the smoke. "So you still comin down today?" i asked
"Yea man i'll be down right after school". He said while looking up at the sky. the sky was alittle cloudy and there was a cool breeze that felt nice in weather that's normally hot, but it's almost fall, the leafs will be turning soon. We both just stood around watching for anyone who might be coming, while i finished my cig. I flicked my cig away and we both started heading back to the school, when we both heard the bell ring and we started running to make sure that we wouldn't be late for class. we got the the doors "c-ya pat" "c-ya anthony", and we both ran to our classes. I barely made it, but it was an online class so it didn't really matter that much.
The room has dark blue carpets, and a row of desks with computers lined up on the desks. That class isn't real exciting the teacher that was assigned there told me what i would be doing and how to do it. I had to sit at a desk and self motivate myself, because there was a couple of other people taking an online class but it wasn't german. The teacher had to set me up an account, and that would take a while. So i just sat at one of the black computers, and put some headphones in and went onto soundclick to listen to music. The one underground band that i liked a lot is "hollywood undead" they had some good songs my favorite was "this knife called lust" it's a good song to listen to while killing time. I sat there thinking while waiting on the bell to ring. things that i have to do today...well i know i have to help Marc out this weekend with his deck, but that's not today... might just hang out with pat all day. Man i can't wait until i get my license damnit is that gonna be great... the road is freedom and i'm using it to get to were i need to go, or just wanna go to get away from things... The inercom came on. "Anthony we need you in the office it's urgent"
The teacher let me go without a pass considering that the office is less than 30 feet away. When i got there Mr. parent told me to come into his office and he had a sympathetic look on his face.
" Anthony i have some bad news.....your dad called me and he's coming to pick you up because....Well i don't know how to say this but..your mom has passed away this morning..."
"how?" i asked not knowing how to take this
"well that i don't know, i didnt' feel like pushing the subject with your dad, he'll explain that to you when he gets here...Now i'm goin to give you a pass for this week, i don't wanna see you hear until next week at the earliest...one thing that can only make this worse is the stress that school will put on you..." he sad with a sad low tone...almost like a whisper... well it sounded like a whisper...i can't remember, my mind was blank.. i sat there in the chair in his office in complete silence... Mr. parent didn't say anything he just sat there staring at his desk like i was staring at the floor...
not thinking
not moving
just
just....
Chapter 4: first time
The ride home seemed like it stretched on forever...
just waiting
just listening
just there...
"The doctor said that she wasn't taking her potassium pills like she was suppose to, and the lack of potassium with it's dangerously low lvl stopped her heart." Dad said blunty on the way home
When i walked into the house i went up stairs and sat on my couch. My mind starting to pick up speed. Why didn't she take the God damn pills for fuck sakes...damnit mom i didn't even get to hug you and tell you that i love you like i normally do when i get home...then tell you that pats coming over or that i'm going down to Marc's or Mikes...
"DAMNIT!!!" i kicked the t.v. down and it cracked
"goddamnit mom, GODDAMNIT!" i picked up the broken t.v. and threw it through the window...
sat back down on the couch
Silence
Waiting
Listening...
she really is dead. normally when i make comotion like that she'd come up here and see what's going on. She'd come up here to see if i was O.K., and i'd tell her everythings alright...and i'd say I love you...
She
truly
is
dead
She can't be dead, not now, not FUCKING right now...damnit...
tears starting to run down my face...i wiped them from my face and walked downstairs to see if dad was O.K. as i walked through the door dad was sitting in his chair leaning forward
"how you feeling dad?" i asked trying to hide my croaky voice and puffy eyes.
"not to well son, not well at all...What was that comotion up stairs?" he asked staring at his bed
" i kicked my t.v. over then threw it through the window" i said bluntly staring down at the ground
"ah, well we'll need to get that window fixed, how are you gonna get a new t.v.?"
" i have a spare upstairs in the storage closet, it's not as good quality but it'll do."
"well...alright then. i called your sisters they're taking leave to come down for the funeral."
My sister joined the navy last spring, they've come up a couple of times, but not at the same time.
"how they doin?" i asked still staring at the floor
"eh, i guess they're doin fine, didn't really come up in the conversation" aggitation and sadness filling his voice
"where's mom's body?"
"the mourge came and picked her up, because i thought it best that you didn't see her just yet. I came home because i had a bad feeling about something, and unfortunately i was right" more aggitation from his voice. probably because he wanted to be left alone for a little bit. I just walked upstairs digesting all the things that have happened today. I sat there on my couch until pat came down. i heard a knock on the door downstairs, i answered it and there is pat standin there.
"Hey anthony what goin on man?" he obviously hadn't heard the news yet.
I didn't say anything i just motioned him in and he followed me up stairs and we both sat on the couch.
"hey anthony where's your t.v.?"
"huh, oh... i kicked it over then threw it out the window" i sad half listening
"oh, that would explain the broken window, why'd you do that anyway?"
"my mom died this morning'
he didn't say anything he just stared at the stand that use to hold my t.v. then pulled something out of his pocket. it was these square tin foil packets with these red small pills that had 3 c's on them.
"what's that i asked?"
"These my good man are triple c's. I have 3 packs each containing 8 each and considering the rough day that you're having i'll give you 15 and i'll take 9. it'll help take the edge off..." he said sad sarcasm
"where'd you get'em?" i asked looking at the tin packets with red circles in them
"I got'em from sam, i was asking him if he knew anything about triple C's and he said he had some, i payed two bucks a pack for'em" he sad while he was breaking the tinfoil to get the little red pills out.
"do you mean sam myers?" i asked watching him take the pills out of the tinfoil wrapping.
"yea, he's apparently a big drug dealer and i didn't know until today, he sells good weed for decent prices." he said as he was getting the last of the pills out of the tinfoil wrappings
"oh, well that's good to know." i told him as he was handing me 15 small red circular pills.
I took'em all in one mouthful, i took a swig of coke to was it down, he did the same and took a swig out of my coke.
"how long does it take for the pills to take effect?" i asked still in a sad tone of voice.
"it'll take about 10-20 minutes" he said taking another sip of my coke. "so do you wanna talk about your mom or what?" he asked me
"na man, i just wanna sit here in silence and listen to music. Is that cool with you?" i asked while i was getting up to turn on my stereo that i hadn't broken yet.
"yea, that's cool man" leaning back into the couch to get comfortable.
i have these big speaker hooked up to my old pioneer stereo, on the bottom is 12 inch subs, medium and tweeter. On the top is 8 inch sub, medium, tweeter. i turned on the stereo, and cranked it up alittle bit less than half way, and listened to killswitch. I know it sounds wierd but heavy metal soothes me, i like how the anger and passion of the music washes over me and amplifies my emotions so i can get them out. I lit up a cigarette and i'm sitting there with pat taking a drag from my cig, moving legs with the music, this gradually grows until 10 minutes later i start feeling the effect of the drugs and now i'm thrashing my head up and down taking drags from my cigarette, and when i get done with one i'd chain smoke and light another one. I starting crying as the passion of the music started flowing over me and the drugs help amplify the music that flows through me. Tears running down my face, i'm leaning over now, i'm so overwhelmed the music. It has never felt this good before. My muscles move in waves with every kick of the bass pedal with every strum of the guitar and with every cymbal crash, deep singing...God i just can't explain it. My whole fucking body is tingling and when i close my eyes it takes me deeper and deeper into this whirlwind of emotions and into a new world of comfort and relief. taking drags from my cigarette, and however short the feeling lasted I forgot about everything, i forgot about my mom, i forgot about school, i forgot about life, because life has never felt so good than it did in that one moment...God it was amazing...
i turned down the stereo things cooled down a bit and now i'm more mellow than i was 15 minutes ago.
"Pat i want to thank you, you have helped me out so much over the years and now you've done it again." i said with a smile, a smile that i thought i would'nt feel for a long time.
"you're more than welcome man, i've need some release too, and i think i just found it." he said with a reasurring smile on my face. "now do you wanna talk about your mom?"
"yea, i think i can...i just don't understand why she wouldn't just take the fucking pills, i mean did she want to die?" i asked with sadness starting to creep back into me
"na man, why would she wanna die when she knows she has 3 kids that love her more than anything in the world, especially you." he said with sympathy in his voice
"i just wanted to tell her that i love her and hug her one last time, it's just so abrupt I can't understand it." i said with tears starting to twinkle in my eyes
"well listen man, you'll be ok. You just need to get through this...i know if my mom died i don't know if i could live." he told me with a tear in his eye just at the thought of his mom...
i'm staring at the ground. "it's just wierd, imagining a person that you're so use to talking back to you when you ask a question, then all of a sudden she can't hear you, talk to you, or even touch you...all you can do it talk to her even though she can't hear you...and give her kisses that she can't feel, just before she goes six feet under.."
"man i seriously don't know what to tell you..."
"well i do know one thing you can do, is get me some more of these pills and maybe that robitussin thing you've been talking about. This shit really helps, it takes me away from my life, it just takes me away..."
"That i can do, all you have to do is promise me that you won't become addicted."
"i can promise that, if you can" i said still staring at the ground talking in a low voice barely a whisper.
he just sat there in silence thinking... a blank face.
he didn't say anything for quite some time. I lit up another cigarette and sat then taking drags from it. At that moment i don't even care if i got addicted, if anything i wanted to become addicted, i wanted to feel like that day in and day out.
The numbness
the nothingness
the happiness
"Pat, do you wanna feel like this forever?" I asked staring straight at him
"hmmm, actually i wouldn't mind it..." drifting in and out of his own thoughts.
"same" i said moving my eyes back to the speakers. "well when i get my license next week, we can do this all the time."
"how do you suppose we do that?, i don't have money" he said becoming more interested in the conversation
"well...i'll drive us to ingles and we'll just steal all the shit we need" my mind stirring and still feeling the tingling sensation from the drugs
"huh, well i guess that'll work...Hey do you know when your mom's furnerals gonna be?" he said with excitement then sadness creeping into his voice.
"well...i dunno i'll have to ask my dad. He's in a state of shock, so it seems." i said getting up to go downstairs.
"Where you going?" pat asked while he was gettin up too.
"i'm going down stairs." i opened the door
While i was walking down the stairs i was fumbling a little bit, it was like being drunk. With that 3rd person kind of feeling. When i reached the bottom and stepped on the ever so cold tiles. I slipped and fell, busting my ass. Dad came around the corner in a rush.
"You alright anthony?" concern in his voice.
"yea, i'll be alright. Hey do you know when ma's funeral is?" i asked while trying to get up
"it'll be sometime next week after your sisters come home." he said while walking over to me and helping me up.
"Oh ok...are you still gonna go and take me to get my license this weekend?" i asked finally back on my feet.
"no, that'll have to wait until monday. the DMV's closed on weekends, didn't i tell you this already?" he was already walking back to his room.
"hmmm, well our plan will just have to wait until monday then." i told pat, as i went to the kitchen to grab a drink.
"huh, well it'll be O.K." he followed me into the kitchen and got himself a drink too.
We walked back up stairs, sat on the couch and turned back up the stereo. For some reason the music felt better than before, this time it was more intense, but was tired and i didn't feel like banging my head. I did however get a overwhelming tickling feeling in my stomach, it felt wierd but yet good. Me and pat sat there listening to music for the next few hours, in a dazed state. Soon enough pat had to leave and so i was left there with no t.v. sitting there in the dark listening to music. the hours past and by now it was 10 P.M. and i had this strangest feeling as i felt the drugs wear off. i got tired and depressed and everything that happened that day hit me so hard and so fast, i didn't even have time to breathe. thoughts starting flooding my head, and tears my eyes. 'right now i'd be down stairs getting dinner, and then saying goodnight to mom and giving her a kiss and a hug, and saying that i love you." the thought kept repeating itself in my head, it was like a scratched CD that wouldn't stop playing the same 5 seconds over and over, then you'd press fastforward or skip to the next track...but it didn't. it just kept playing and playing, and it dragged me into a deep depression...the drugs wore off and now i was left there.
Vulnerable
depressed
crying
exaustion finally overtook my mind and i fell into a deep sleep.... -->
Chapter 1: memories
looking at the blood that's trickling down my wrist and staining the carpet, and with tears over filling my eyes and running down my face. I look back on what life i had and what had happened to lead me to were i am at this moment. They say that when you die you see your life flash before your eyes, but they don't so why that is. I believe that it's your braincells dying and they're releasing all the memory's that you had and they're funneled into one streamline event. Then right at the very end depending on what you were raised to believe, like if you sin you'll feel the fires of hell apon you before you pass, or if you go to heaven you'll feel the ever so cooling breeze kiss your skin and welcome you to a eternity of peace and happiness...Well i feel the fires of hell starting to warm my skin welcoming me to an eternity of pain that would only match the ever so short life that i have lead...so it shouldn't be to bad.....
"Anthony wake up it's time for school" my sister said as i looked at her through hazy eyes.
She came in my room to wake me up everymorning because an alarm clock woudn't normally wake me up. "Yea yea i'm getting up". I grudgingly got out of bed, put on my blue shirt and baggy jeans. Went down stairs and grabbed a coke. Me and my sister's Kelly and Marie went down to catch the bus. Kelly was in 9th grade, Chelsy was in 7th grade. Kelly and Marie's bus came before mine because the highschool bus went both to middle school and highschool. My bus on the other hand came 10 minutes after there's. I was standin there talkin to mike, he's in the same grade as me. My mom say's that i've known him since i was 2. We both were talkin about what to do after school that day. My mom had just bought me the new Nentendo 64, so we were probably gonna play that. The bus was just coming around the corner when Mike said that there was a new student in school that i didn't know about, and he said he's from Newyork. Then the bus rolled around and we both got on and we both sat in the same seat, because there were a bunch of 5th graders. I kept on wondering what this new student was like because we don't get new kids that often, would he be mean a cool kid to hang out with or just someone who would blend into the crowd.
When we got to school we both went to our classes. i had Mrs. Glenn. She was a fun teacher, but she was obsessed with penguins for some reason. We were seated in table sections that were named by the types of penguins. Mine at the time was the macoroni penguin, but today we were switching up the seating arrangements. That was when i was seated at the little blue penguin table and patrick was seated next to me.
"Hey my names patrick" he introduced himself with a smile
"How you doin, my names Anthony"
And that was it, we kept talking getting in the trouble with the teacher and other stupid things. we would talk in class and apparently the teacher said we were disrupting the class from learning math, but who would wanna learn math. we kept up this little sharade when he told me where he lived and then that's when i figured out that he was only a mile walk from my house, well i think it's a mile he thinks it's shorter than that.then within a few years we started going to each other's house meeting both our parents and i remember the day that i met his dad it was creepy but funny. 'hey pat who's your new friend' he said picking his belly button...His dad left his family a year later. He moved to canada haven't heard from him since. We're both in 10th grade now with one day away from school starting and a great summer ending.
Chapter 2: 1 day left...
I slept in until 12 P.M. that day, i had just got done school shopping and i had worked with Ivy a week a earlier roofing, it was good enough pay for the job that was done. My room is dark blue with an old pioneer system next to my t.v. the carpets were greyish blue with stains here and there. I have a faded blue couch in my room with a pale white desk right behind it with two rolling chairs. and my bed is right next to the desk. I got out of bed and tripped on the leg of the chair and caught myself right before my head hit the wall. "Damn chair." i growled out in aggition. My phone rang just as i was about to go use the restroom. It was Marc he was my neighbor, i've known him for years. He was probably calling to know if i could help him build his new 20 by 40 deck. We had just got done puttin down the base, and now we're working on puttin on the floorbars. "Hello?" I said still with a groggy voice.
" Hey Anthony did you just get up?" he asked.
"Yea, watcha need man?" I said with a hint of irritation considering i had to take a piss.
"Dude you need to get up earlier, but anyways i was wonderin if you could help me with the deck". he said with a chuckle.
"Yea i just gotta piss and i'll be up" I added wanting to end the conversation quickly.
"alright man i'll see ya then" and he hung up. So i went to take a piss then put on a shirt and went downstairs to put on my boots. Walked out the door and lit up a ciggerette and starting walking down the street. I'd get my ciggerettes by walking down the road to the citgo and they'd normally wouldn't ask me for I.D. cause i had my hair grown out long and it made me look 4 years older than i am, and my voice helped out but i still had a little bit of a baby face.
I got up to Marc's house and we said our greeting's and starting putting on the floorboards. Then Marc's sister walked out, her names kristina. My god she looks as gorgeous as the first day i met her, she's like an angel...but she won't date me because she thinks of me to much like a brother. Which i think is bulshit but hey what can i do. She has long naturally black curly hair with a face that only angels have she was wearing shorts and a red abercrombie shirt. "Hey Anthony" she said in a cooling voice and perky smile "how ya been?"
" I've been good, how about you?" i asked with a grin.
"same. Wow what a gorgeous day." she said with peppiness about her.
"Sure is" Marc chimed in "couldn't ask for a better day for work".
"You can say that again" i added in.
We went back to work on the floor boards. Stack the would spread'em out even'em up then drill'em down. We did this for a few hours, the work was tiring but it had to be done. Marcs dad was at work he'd be home by the time we lay down the first section.
My phone rang and it was pat. "sup man how you doin?" i asked, pointing to marc that i'd be back in a second.
"nuttin much man, you wanna hang out today?" he asked.
"sure when you comin down?"
" i'll be down in about 20 minutes"
"alright man that sounds good, i'll c-ya then"
"ok, peace man" he hung up.
" hey Marc when's your dad gettin home?" i yelled across the yard.
" he'll be home in a little bit, why?" he asked
"Pats comin down, i'mma go chill with him for a bit."
"alright that sounds good, but can you help me get this last part done before you go?"
"sure"
By the time we had that done Marc's dad was home, and now i was on my way down to the house to meet pat. So i lit up another cigerette and went back to the house. I waited on the porch taking a drag from my cig, when i saw pat walkin down the road. "Hey" i yelled at him. "Whats going on man" he yelled back. He walked up to the house. Pat is alittle shorter than me he was wearing a red shirt that was clearly to big for him, with these baggy jeans. Short cut hair, with a red newyork hat on. "What's on the agenda today?" i asked. "nothin that i know of" he said
"You looking forward to school tomorrow" i said with a mocking tone
" ehhhh, didn't need you goin and remindin me" he said shakin his head with a irritated smile
" Well atleast i get my license next week so i can start drivin you to school"
" na i'll just take the bus, i like the people i meet on there."
" you sure" i asked
" yea man i'm sure" he said with smile
" alright man you do what you need to do" i said with a smirk
So i lit up another cigerette, and we sat on the porch talkin. Just stupid conversation that get a laugh or to. there was this one conversation that i can remember. he said it as a joke. "Hey kid do you wanna see a magic trick? well hold this camera." and he made his hand look like a gun and he held it to his head. " honey if your watching..." and by that time i was rolling with laughter.
" so when you gonna get your license pat?"
" i'mma wait til i'm 18 and just get my motorcycle license so i can ride in and out of traffic"
" you'll prolly get yourself killed" i said with a chuckle
" probably" he laughed
We talked and goofed around for an hour or so. Then we went up to Mike's house. We all went up in his room to play the xbox. Me and mike played guitar hero online, pat wasn't much into console gaming he preferred the computer, and so did i if i had the right game. we'd have a mic to talk to other people that we played against and we'd trash talk and make fun of'em, and we got a kick out of it. Mikes room is small, he has a bed to big for his room with a table with an outdate computer on it and his tv and xbox in the corner. So it's a little to crowded for all 3 of us.
"Mike are you ready for school?"
"yea i think i might do just fine, i just can't wait til basketball season". he chimed
we kept playin the xbox for a few hours. then me and pat left. it was dark outside by then, dad was home from work. So me and pat just sat on the porch talking for a 30 minutes or so.
"hey pat what do you think matter is?" i asked
" don't know man...i think it's the essence of time, and the very thing that we're made out of, beside carbon." he said half interested
' " i always thought that it's the gravity that holds us down. and the planets that move around it. it keep everything in check...makes sure things work out the way they're suppose to, or destroy the things no longer needed...." i said pondering my own thought.
" or it could be that matter is the building block of the universe, who know what molecule is made of... they keep getting smaller but there is always something that makes that. Where does it end? i mean why is the earth made of rock what is rock made of, what is that material made of that makes the rock? where did the material come from to make the big bang, where is the true beginning? why is life? what is life? who will answer these questions? the so called god? I think that there is a greater being but i just don't think it's what the religions portray and color coat as god...what i mean is, i think there is a god but not the one that the religions paint in an image....but i guess that's what needs to be done....everyone needs a shoulder to lean on in there bad times and alot of people lean towards 'god'...sometimes i just wish things were simpler..." pat said in a questioning tone.
"things are simply. The humanity as a society is simple, it's human as an individual that's complicated. society is stats, how many people buy this how many people buy that....as individuals it's why i like this and why i hate that...." i added in
"huh, well that makes since... Alright man i gotta get goin it's gettin late and i need some sleep."
" alright man that sounds good, i'll see ya tomorrow at school, i'mma go get some sleep my self." We shook hands and then said our goodbye again. Pat started walking home and i went inside. i stuck my head in to say good night to dad. He asked how my day went, and we both said goodnight. on my way up to my room i said goodnight to my mom. she slept in the living room because a few years back she had a heart attack and her hearts workin at 50% capacity and she has some potassium problems, she went to the doctor and gave her some pills. she's been unemployed and she stays up late so she just sleeps in the living room it has a nice big tv and a computer and a cozy fold out couch. i gave her a hug and a kiss then went up stairs to watch some tv and then doze off to sleep.....
Chapter 3: first day
I met mike at the bus stop. "sup mike lovely morning isn't it" i said sarcastically
"damnit, i wanna get this school year over with already..."
"i hear ya man, i hear ya." and that's when i noticed kristina walking down the street to catch the bus too. She was wearing a black shirt that said angel on it with glittering letter, and worn out blue jeans. she had her hair straightened out. "hey anthony, hey mike" she said as she walked and stood next to us. "hey kristina" i spoke while watching to see if the bus was coming. "sup kristina" mike added in as the bus rolled around the corner. we all got on to the bus. i sat in the back, mike sat in there seat across from me, and kristina sat in a few seat in front of me. The bus started moving, and my favorite thing to do while riding the bus was to just stare out the window and watch the world go by. I'd watch the trees zoom by and the pavement running underneath the bus... it was peaceful except for the noise of the people on the bus, i could hear conversations.
" hey becky i saw kenny chesney at a concert last week and damnit girl he was looking gooood!!" i heard a girl saying.
personally i like my heavy metal, my favorite band is killswitch.
"psst hey anthony what you think of the new freshman on the bus?" he asked in curiousity
"hmmmm, they're pretty good looking but i dunno if there the best thing i've seen in a while." i told him. " eh, same here, i think i'mma finally be able to go out with that ashley girl, man is she hot" he told me with a whistle. "yea i think i remember her is she the one with the huge tits?" i asked
" yea, that's the one. We've been talkin for the whole summer, and i'm goin to ask her out today."
" sounds good man, sounds good." i told him just as the bus was rollin into the school. it came to a stop and we all got off. For our first day we had to go to the gym and then go to our home room afterwards to get our schedules. The assembly was boring as usual, they introduced a new principal. Principal Deane, and a new assistant principal. Mr. Parent. after that they told the school what they wanted to accomplish and the new things that were going on this year. I met pat in there we sat next to each other.
" sup anthony how you doin?"
"eh, just listening to this boring assembly" i said with an irritating grin
" same here man, i just wanna get to home room. Atleast there i can talk to people." he told me fiddling with his bookpack.
" same" i said tapping my feet.
the assembly seemed like it went on forever...I looked around the room i saw waves and waves of people. We sat in sections, freshman one section sophmore the next and so on down the line. We sat in the new gym with new blue bleacher and huge rafters on the ceiling with 2 basketball nets it was a full court with shiny new wax. the essembly ended and we all merged out into the halls and horded out way to our homerooms. My homeroom was in the library i met up with some old friend. Alex was there Donny was therer Jordan was there and a few other people.
"sup donny how was your summer?" i asked while i was sitting down.
" pretty good how about you anthony?" he asked while he leaned over and shook my hand.
"my was good, could have been better but what's done is done." i said letting go of his hand
"true" Alex chimed in.
" And how about you alex, how was your summer?"
"eh, it was O.K. but like you said, it could have been better."
" everything can be better, just depend on how good you wanna make it." i said leanin back in my chair. We all talked about what we thought the school year was gonna be like, what classes we had. my classes were first period algebra1, second period Biology, third period German1, and fourth period wieghtlifting. so it looked like it was going to be a good semester. the bell rang and it was time for first period. walking through the halls just brought back a lot of memories from last year, good one bad one... My favorite memory was when Donny went through the halls with a bananna in his pants going up to people and thrust his hips at'em going 'WEEEEEE'. Man i was laughing so hard my eyes were watering. i got to my first class it was on the X hall. I wasn't to excited about that class, and i was happy that it was only 30 minutes long. I had Mrs. Dalton, she was a strict teacher. She just told us the problem and showed us how to do it, expecting us to do it. She was just really really plain. that class ended relatively quickly. the bell rang and we had to go to our next class. I met up with pat in the hall, he told me that he was coming down today after school because there's something he wanted to show me. He found this out last night.
I got to my next class which was biology. I had Mrs. Racquer, she was a peppy little thing with red hair and enough energy in her movements to tire out a child. she'd talk more about her life and life itself, more than she'd teach us about our lessons. i had a few friends in that class, Tex, Ben, Samantha. I knew them since middle school, Tex is obviously from Texas, he had that texan aditude hubris S.O.B he was. Ben i knew him from football, he played gaurd. He's a stocky man built just right for football, not to big not to small. I didn't play this year because i had been working all summer, and i needed the money to help pay for i insurance when i get my license. Samantha i knew through kristina they both were good friends, she has blonde hair and a tight body. She cheerleaded with kristina. Samantha passed me a note, it read. 'hey Anthony how was your summer?' and i wrote back 'It was good i just wish i hadn't lost your number, so i had someone better to talk to.' she passed it back 'awww, that's sweet, well no worries i lost my phone and had to get a new one so i lost your number too' She smiled and winked at me across the room. and i wrote back 'well her it is (number), in all fairness what's your number?' i passed the note back to her and she read the letter and grinned she started writing something down when my phone vibrated tellin me that i had a text it was pat and i read 'dude i downloaded "alchemist cookbook" and it has a bunch of stuff in there, and there's a drug recipe in there that i wanted to show you after school, but damnit i'm just too excited i want to show you now, meet me in the Y hall bathroom in ten minutes." I didn't text back. Samantha passed me the note and she wrote "i'll call you" she had a wicked smile on her face. I smiled back a mocking irritating stare in my eye and a grin on my face. She just winked at me, and i kept grinnin back...
It's been about 10 minutes and I raised my hand to use the restroom, but the teacher told me that there was only 10 minutes left in class and that i could just hold it. So i texted pat back "Hey man she's not lettin me use that bathroom i'll just meet up with you at lunch, what lunch you?". He texted back in a few minutes and i felt my phone vibrate. "i have first lunch" i texted back "awesome me too". by this time the teacher had got done with lecturing us on what we were going to do this semester. She gave us an assignment, we had to read pages 1-14 in our text book that she handed out at the beginning of class. As i was packing up my things and gettin ready for the bell to ring. the class had time to chit chat, and Samantha squeezed my arm. "Hey anthony do you really want my number back?" she said in a teasing voice. "Na but i'd like to take you out to the movies next week" i told her in the same teasing voice she gave me. "Maybe, just maybe. We'll see what happens" She spoke with a more serious tone and a smile that said she already knew her answer. The bell rang and we all hearded ourselves into the hallway, while the teacher was reminding us about our assignments. I was walking down the hallway seeing faces that i haven't seen in months. Saying hi here and there, to people that knew my name but i didn't know there's. I was heading to lunch to meet up with pat, and i saw mike on the way there. "hey man what class you got next?" he asked me. " man i get to go to lunch" i said with excitement in my voice "where you goin?"
"i'm goin to algebra, man do i hate math" he told me with a laugh
"well that sucks man. Well i'll talk to you after school" i said to him, starting to walk away.
I met pat in the lunch line, which was crowded due to the fact that 50% of the people in this school went to first lunch. Man was it noisy, i had to bring my voice up to talk to pat.
"hey man what is this drug recipe you're ranting about?"
"well it's cheap and effective which is great for us, considering that we hate spendin money on weed here and there"
"true, i do hate chuckin up money". i agreed
"well here it is. You mix robitussin with gingerale, and what that does is. The gingerale with it's high caffeine, it takes the inactive ingredients in robitussin and make's then active and the DXM in the robitussin creates a state of euphoria and something else that i can't remember for the life of me what the other state is. but it's awesome, and there's these triple C's that do the same thing but a little less intense, with different side effects." he told me in an exciting tone
"And where did you read this from?"
" I read it from the alchemists cook book, it has a bunch of shit in there. Teaches you how to make bombs and LSD, but the LSD is too expensive and dangerous to make."
"O.K. but how do we obtain all this shit?" i questioned him as the line kept kreeping along.
"That's simple we just steal this shit from ingles."
"Alright sounds solid enough, we can do this shit when i get my license" i told him
"when is that again?"
" I'll be getting it monday after school."
"alright, sounds good enough".
By that time it was out turn to get our trays. We were having hamburgers and french fries. Me and pat didn't haven't to pay because our family didn't make a certain amount of income a year. My dad works at a plant and mom gets an disability check every month. We "payed" for our lunch then went to go sit down at one of the tables. The table is blue with little black spots on it and it was round with blue round seats. the floor was black and white tiles. The noise was even louder when you get into the middle of everyone talking. Kristina was walking across the cafeteria and she spotted me and i waved at her. She came and sat down next to me.
"Sup buddy" she said in a cheery voice
"nuttin much. Hows school so far?"
"eh, it's boring but atleast i get to see some old friends, and i might add that i got some good classes this year"
" what classes did you get" i asked as i was taking a bite out of my hamburger.
"i have Geometry, English 2, Teen living, and woman's athletics." she said taking a sip or her milk
"Ah, sounds like a relaxing semester"
"Well the shit i got this semester sucks" Pat added in
"oh, and what is that pat?" i said sarcastically questioning him
"Well for starter i have, bulshit class, after bulshit class, after bulshit class" he said with a chuckle and a grin. I couldn't help but laugh. And so did kristina. time in the lunchroom was relaxing. After i got done eating i asked pat if he wanted to walk with and keep me company while i go to the sophmore parking lot and half a cigerette. He he didn't mind. So we walk out of the cafeteria and walk back in to sophmore parking lot. Now the sophmore parking lot was located at the back of the school with the woods right there. There were a few cars parked there, a black truck with big tires, a red car that looked like a GT mustang but it had dents in it and scratched up paint, sat nice and low to the ground.
We went into the woods, and i lit up a cigerette and took a drag from it. I liked making circles with the smoke. "So you still comin down today?" i asked
"Yea man i'll be down right after school". He said while looking up at the sky. the sky was alittle cloudy and there was a cool breeze that felt nice in weather that's normally hot, but it's almost fall, the leafs will be turning soon. We both just stood around watching for anyone who might be coming, while i finished my cig. I flicked my cig away and we both started heading back to the school, when we both heard the bell ring and we started running to make sure that we wouldn't be late for class. we got the the doors "c-ya pat" "c-ya anthony", and we both ran to our classes. I barely made it, but it was an online class so it didn't really matter that much.
The room has dark blue carpets, and a row of desks with computers lined up on the desks. That class isn't real exciting the teacher that was assigned there told me what i would be doing and how to do it. I had to sit at a desk and self motivate myself, because there was a couple of other people taking an online class but it wasn't german. The teacher had to set me up an account, and that would take a while. So i just sat at one of the black computers, and put some headphones in and went onto soundclick to listen to music. The one underground band that i liked a lot is "hollywood undead" they had some good songs my favorite was "this knife called lust" it's a good song to listen to while killing time. I sat there thinking while waiting on the bell to ring. things that i have to do today...well i know i have to help Marc out this weekend with his deck, but that's not today... might just hang out with pat all day. Man i can't wait until i get my license damnit is that gonna be great... the road is freedom and i'm using it to get to were i need to go, or just wanna go to get away from things... The inercom came on. "Anthony we need you in the office it's urgent"
The teacher let me go without a pass considering that the office is less than 30 feet away. When i got there Mr. parent told me to come into his office and he had a sympathetic look on his face.
" Anthony i have some bad news.....your dad called me and he's coming to pick you up because....Well i don't know how to say this but..your mom has passed away this morning..."
"how?" i asked not knowing how to take this
"well that i don't know, i didnt' feel like pushing the subject with your dad, he'll explain that to you when he gets here...Now i'm goin to give you a pass for this week, i don't wanna see you hear until next week at the earliest...one thing that can only make this worse is the stress that school will put on you..." he sad with a sad low tone...almost like a whisper... well it sounded like a whisper...i can't remember, my mind was blank.. i sat there in the chair in his office in complete silence... Mr. parent didn't say anything he just sat there staring at his desk like i was staring at the floor...
not thinking
not moving
just
just....
Chapter 4: first time
The ride home seemed like it stretched on forever...
just waiting
just listening
just there...
"The doctor said that she wasn't taking her potassium pills like she was suppose to, and the lack of potassium with it's dangerously low lvl stopped her heart." Dad said blunty on the way home
When i walked into the house i went up stairs and sat on my couch. My mind starting to pick up speed. Why didn't she take the God damn pills for fuck sakes...damnit mom i didn't even get to hug you and tell you that i love you like i normally do when i get home...then tell you that pats coming over or that i'm going down to Marc's or Mikes...
"DAMNIT!!!" i kicked the t.v. down and it cracked
"goddamnit mom, GODDAMNIT!" i picked up the broken t.v. and threw it through the window...
sat back down on the couch
Silence
Waiting
Listening...
she really is dead. normally when i make comotion like that she'd come up here and see what's going on. She'd come up here to see if i was O.K., and i'd tell her everythings alright...and i'd say I love you...
She
truly
is
dead
She can't be dead, not now, not FUCKING right now...damnit...
tears starting to run down my face...i wiped them from my face and walked downstairs to see if dad was O.K. as i walked through the door dad was sitting in his chair leaning forward
"how you feeling dad?" i asked trying to hide my croaky voice and puffy eyes.
"not to well son, not well at all...What was that comotion up stairs?" he asked staring at his bed
" i kicked my t.v. over then threw it through the window" i said bluntly staring down at the ground
"ah, well we'll need to get that window fixed, how are you gonna get a new t.v.?"
" i have a spare upstairs in the storage closet, it's not as good quality but it'll do."
"well...alright then. i called your sisters they're taking leave to come down for the funeral."
My sister joined the navy last spring, they've come up a couple of times, but not at the same time.
"how they doin?" i asked still staring at the floor
"eh, i guess they're doin fine, didn't really come up in the conversation" aggitation and sadness filling his voice
"where's mom's body?"
"the mourge came and picked her up, because i thought it best that you didn't see her just yet. I came home because i had a bad feeling about something, and unfortunately i was right" more aggitation from his voice. probably because he wanted to be left alone for a little bit. I just walked upstairs digesting all the things that have happened today. I sat there on my couch until pat came down. i heard a knock on the door downstairs, i answered it and there is pat standin there.
"Hey anthony what goin on man?" he obviously hadn't heard the news yet.
I didn't say anything i just motioned him in and he followed me up stairs and we both sat on the couch.
"hey anthony where's your t.v.?"
"huh, oh... i kicked it over then threw it out the window" i sad half listening
"oh, that would explain the broken window, why'd you do that anyway?"
"my mom died this morning'
he didn't say anything he just stared at the stand that use to hold my t.v. then pulled something out of his pocket. it was these square tin foil packets with these red small pills that had 3 c's on them.
"what's that i asked?"
"These my good man are triple c's. I have 3 packs each containing 8 each and considering the rough day that you're having i'll give you 15 and i'll take 9. it'll help take the edge off..." he said sad sarcasm
"where'd you get'em?" i asked looking at the tin packets with red circles in them
"I got'em from sam, i was asking him if he knew anything about triple C's and he said he had some, i payed two bucks a pack for'em" he sad while he was breaking the tinfoil to get the little red pills out.
"do you mean sam myers?" i asked watching him take the pills out of the tinfoil wrapping.
"yea, he's apparently a big drug dealer and i didn't know until today, he sells good weed for decent prices." he said as he was getting the last of the pills out of the tinfoil wrappings
"oh, well that's good to know." i told him as he was handing me 15 small red circular pills.
I took'em all in one mouthful, i took a swig of coke to was it down, he did the same and took a swig out of my coke.
"how long does it take for the pills to take effect?" i asked still in a sad tone of voice.
"it'll take about 10-20 minutes" he said taking another sip of my coke. "so do you wanna talk about your mom or what?" he asked me
"na man, i just wanna sit here in silence and listen to music. Is that cool with you?" i asked while i was getting up to turn on my stereo that i hadn't broken yet.
"yea, that's cool man" leaning back into the couch to get comfortable.
i have these big speaker hooked up to my old pioneer stereo, on the bottom is 12 inch subs, medium and tweeter. On the top is 8 inch sub, medium, tweeter. i turned on the stereo, and cranked it up alittle bit less than half way, and listened to killswitch. I know it sounds wierd but heavy metal soothes me, i like how the anger and passion of the music washes over me and amplifies my emotions so i can get them out. I lit up a cigarette and i'm sitting there with pat taking a drag from my cig, moving legs with the music, this gradually grows until 10 minutes later i start feeling the effect of the drugs and now i'm thrashing my head up and down taking drags from my cigarette, and when i get done with one i'd chain smoke and light another one. I starting crying as the passion of the music started flowing over me and the drugs help amplify the music that flows through me. Tears running down my face, i'm leaning over now, i'm so overwhelmed the music. It has never felt this good before. My muscles move in waves with every kick of the bass pedal with every strum of the guitar and with every cymbal crash, deep singing...God i just can't explain it. My whole fucking body is tingling and when i close my eyes it takes me deeper and deeper into this whirlwind of emotions and into a new world of comfort and relief. taking drags from my cigarette, and however short the feeling lasted I forgot about everything, i forgot about my mom, i forgot about school, i forgot about life, because life has never felt so good than it did in that one moment...God it was amazing...
i turned down the stereo things cooled down a bit and now i'm more mellow than i was 15 minutes ago.
"Pat i want to thank you, you have helped me out so much over the years and now you've done it again." i said with a smile, a smile that i thought i would'nt feel for a long time.
"you're more than welcome man, i've need some release too, and i think i just found it." he said with a reasurring smile on my face. "now do you wanna talk about your mom?"
"yea, i think i can...i just don't understand why she wouldn't just take the fucking pills, i mean did she want to die?" i asked with sadness starting to creep back into me
"na man, why would she wanna die when she knows she has 3 kids that love her more than anything in the world, especially you." he said with sympathy in his voice
"i just wanted to tell her that i love her and hug her one last time, it's just so abrupt I can't understand it." i said with tears starting to twinkle in my eyes
"well listen man, you'll be ok. You just need to get through this...i know if my mom died i don't know if i could live." he told me with a tear in his eye just at the thought of his mom...
i'm staring at the ground. "it's just wierd, imagining a person that you're so use to talking back to you when you ask a question, then all of a sudden she can't hear you, talk to you, or even touch you...all you can do it talk to her even though she can't hear you...and give her kisses that she can't feel, just before she goes six feet under.."
"man i seriously don't know what to tell you..."
"well i do know one thing you can do, is get me some more of these pills and maybe that robitussin thing you've been talking about. This shit really helps, it takes me away from my life, it just takes me away..."
"That i can do, all you have to do is promise me that you won't become addicted."
"i can promise that, if you can" i said still staring at the ground talking in a low voice barely a whisper.
he just sat there in silence thinking... a blank face.
he didn't say anything for quite some time. I lit up another cigarette and sat then taking drags from it. At that moment i don't even care if i got addicted, if anything i wanted to become addicted, i wanted to feel like that day in and day out.
The numbness
the nothingness
the happiness
"Pat, do you wanna feel like this forever?" I asked staring straight at him
"hmmm, actually i wouldn't mind it..." drifting in and out of his own thoughts.
"same" i said moving my eyes back to the speakers. "well when i get my license next week, we can do this all the time."
"how do you suppose we do that?, i don't have money" he said becoming more interested in the conversation
"well...i'll drive us to ingles and we'll just steal all the shit we need" my mind stirring and still feeling the tingling sensation from the drugs
"huh, well i guess that'll work...Hey do you know when your mom's furnerals gonna be?" he said with excitement then sadness creeping into his voice.
"well...i dunno i'll have to ask my dad. He's in a state of shock, so it seems." i said getting up to go downstairs.
"Where you going?" pat asked while he was gettin up too.
"i'm going down stairs." i opened the door
While i was walking down the stairs i was fumbling a little bit, it was like being drunk. With that 3rd person kind of feeling. When i reached the bottom and stepped on the ever so cold tiles. I slipped and fell, busting my ass. Dad came around the corner in a rush.
"You alright anthony?" concern in his voice.
"yea, i'll be alright. Hey do you know when ma's funeral is?" i asked while trying to get up
"it'll be sometime next week after your sisters come home." he said while walking over to me and helping me up.
"Oh ok...are you still gonna go and take me to get my license this weekend?" i asked finally back on my feet.
"no, that'll have to wait until monday. the DMV's closed on weekends, didn't i tell you this already?" he was already walking back to his room.
"hmmm, well our plan will just have to wait until monday then." i told pat, as i went to the kitchen to grab a drink.
"huh, well it'll be O.K." he followed me into the kitchen and got himself a drink too.
We walked back up stairs, sat on the couch and turned back up the stereo. For some reason the music felt better than before, this time it was more intense, but was tired and i didn't feel like banging my head. I did however get a overwhelming tickling feeling in my stomach, it felt wierd but yet good. Me and pat sat there listening to music for the next few hours, in a dazed state. Soon enough pat had to leave and so i was left there with no t.v. sitting there in the dark listening to music. the hours past and by now it was 10 P.M. and i had this strangest feeling as i felt the drugs wear off. i got tired and depressed and everything that happened that day hit me so hard and so fast, i didn't even have time to breathe. thoughts starting flooding my head, and tears my eyes. 'right now i'd be down stairs getting dinner, and then saying goodnight to mom and giving her a kiss and a hug, and saying that i love you." the thought kept repeating itself in my head, it was like a scratched CD that wouldn't stop playing the same 5 seconds over and over, then you'd press fastforward or skip to the next track...but it didn't. it just kept playing and playing, and it dragged me into a deep depression...the drugs wore off and now i was left there.
Vulnerable
depressed
crying
exaustion finally overtook my mind and i fell into a deep sleep.... -->
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