SnatchedChapter 13
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NudesJar free porn video
OnlyFucks aka Nudes Jar! You might be surprised to learn that humans are not the only species that love to masturbate. Much like humans used to think tool use was uniquely human, we also thought jerking off was uniquely human. It couldn’t be farther from the truth, though. Many creatures in the animal kingdom enjoy getting their own rocks off. I mean, why the fuck wouldn’t they. What else is there to do with time not spent sleeping, eating, or actually fucking.
While you won’t be surprised to learn animals with hands, such as monkeys, masturbate, you might be surprised to learn that flippers can do the job also. In the case of walrus, they are perfectly suited for a bit of self-love.
Helping this process along is the enormous size of their walrus cocks. If it weren’t for that, they wouldn’t be able to get a fin down low enough to reach it. I’m not fucking around when I say large. A walrus cock can grow up to almost two feet. Not only that, but they have a bone in the fucking middle. That cock isn’t fucking around.
Pre-historic walrus cock was even larger. In 2007, a four-and-a-half-foot-long walrus cock bone was sold at auction for eight grand. And before you ask, no, it wasn’t me that bought it. Not that I wouldn’t display it prominently if I had it.
To make walrus life even better, their cocks are long enough that they can self fellate. AKA, they can suck their own cocks. What a bunch of lucky fuckers. When I die, I hope I can come back as a walrus with a five-foot dong. I better start praying now.
I would have never thought it, but the next time you’re enjoying the stench of a New York City subway, appreciate that some of the scents are produced by rat cum. That’s right. Rodents love to jerk off as much as the next guy. That makes sense to me. Rats and other rodents are extremely intelligent and surprisingly human.
While they can’t get down there with their little hands, they rub their cocks against sticks and other objects instead. Hey, whatever works. I bet I could start a rat war by tossing a rodent-sized fleshlight down into the sewer. The soft touch of silicone would be mind-blowing after years of stick rubbing.
Rats aren’t the only rodent that jerk off, though. Surprisingly squirrels are big fans of the activity also. I’m only surprised because I’ve seen a shit ton of squirrels in my lifetime, but none have been jerking off as far as I could tell. I suppose they probably retreat to the safety of their nests before blowing a load.
I’m a bit jealous of squirrels. Some species masturbate directly after having sex. Scientists think that because squirrels copulate with many different partners during mating season, jerking off might clean the pipes and help stop the spread of sexually transmitted infections. Why can’t that work for humans?! How awesome would that be? Fuck condoms. I’ll just cum again.
It’s Good to Have Hands
All this makes me happy being a member of a species with hands and builds things like fleshlights and Tesla Sex Robots. Of course, I would hate to be outside watching porn on my cell phone, rubbing my cock against the local foliage. But that’s not to say I wouldn’t do it if I needed to.
If it’s time for you to fuck a branch or two, I know just the porn to help distract you from the fact your neighbors are watching. Onlyfucks has a massive collection of one of my favorite types of porn. Onlyfans porn.
I’ve been a fan of amateur porn my entire masturbating life. Nothing beats the sense of reality that most studio porn loses with all the lights, boom mics, and angry directors. The problem is that good amateur porn has always been hard to find.
Onlyfans has changed that completely. The increase in amateur porn production since Onlyfans was released can’t even be calculated. It’s in orders of magnitude. I can’t thank the porn gods enough for blessing humble humanity with such a powerful gift. I hope our usage of it pleases our porn overlords.
Onlyfucks doesn’t stop, at Onlyfans, though. They also carry content from amateur porn hideout TikTok. That’s right. Tiktok isn’t just for stupid dancing videos and metadata collection by the Chinese government. It also has porn!
The web design on Onlyfucks is as simple as it gets. Outside of a small menu and tag list, everything else on the front page is thumbnails. The main menu is on the top and includes the options TikTok porn, Swipe porn, Hot Tiktok, Redfans, Faps.club, Reddit, and a link to your favorite PornDude. All menu options from Hot TikTok onward are links to different sites.
Lets Play a Game
Swipe porn is one of my favorite aspects of Onlyfucks. It’s a game with simple rules: A porn clip is played, and you vote whether you would fuck that bitch or not. It’s pretty entertaining for a guy like me, but it might not be a challenge for you gents. You bastards are willing to fuck any wet hole that doesn’t flee from the sight of your cock. That pussy could be attached to a radioactive demon, and you would still hit it.
The Reddit menu option takes you to the source of Onlyfucks content. Reddit is fun and all, but the design isn’t conducive to porn consumption. Plus, Onlyfucks makes some of their own additions.
The thumbnails on Onlyfucks get split into two sections separated by a tag list. The sections are content and models. As you scroll through the model list, you will be blown away by how fucking sexy these bitches are. Before Onlyfans, I would have never thought that bitches this hot would post nude pics and videos of themselves on the internet. It’s like Onlyfans hypnotizes runway-worthy sluts and strips them naked in front of a webcam.
Stop it Dad!
I half expect to be watching a video one day and see a bitch snap out of it like she just woke up from a coma. “Oh, my gaawwd. What am I doing?! Am I rubbing my clit on the internet right now!? My dad’s going to be so pissed. Ewww, what the fuck?? Is that my dad watching??”
You have to check some of these bitches out. Look at Hailey Grice or Littlmisfitt. These bitches are incredible. Sava.Schultz has tits like a fucking goddess. Emmastudtmann looks like a sex doll. I’m not even exaggerating. I’m pretty sure I have that bitch in my closet right now. If I’m not mistaken, her pussy has three different vibration levels.
All my faux bait fans will be heaping praise on tiny little Nekonikofox. She looks like a girl who will do things to a cock that it will never forget. She has that freaky slut look in her eye that says, not only will I ride your cock like a rocket ship, but I’ll key your car if you don’t put the toilet seat down. Life is about sacrifice, though, and sometimes you have to sacrifice the paint job on your Pinto for some good pussy.
My readers who love ebony porn need to rush over to Foshposh’s page right now. Her tits are fucking insane, and I would gladly suffocate myself between them. Something tells me she can suck dick like a world champion. Her lips are ideally suited to have cum fired upon them.
Everyone out there with yellow fever won’t be able to help busting a nut while watching Aveya_san show off her perfect little body. Not only is her body fuckable, but she has the face of an angel. It’s an innocent face that makes you want to spray a fat load across it.
Onlyfucks is packed with some of the sexiest models ever to grace the internet with their tits. These bitches would have never got naked in front of a camera a few years ago, but thanks to spots like Onlyfans, now they can’t fucking wait. Neither can I bitches. Please never stop showing us your cooters. Don’t worry; they won’t, and as long as they are, Onlyfucks will be there to catalog it for our enjoyment.
The only thing I would change about this place is the aesthetic. First off, it has the dreaded bright white background that I hate. Second, it looks like it was designed in fifteen seconds. Functionality is excellent, but the look needs work.
I can lose entire days on Onlyfucks, and I bet you will also. It’s alright. A day spent on Onlyfucks is a day well spent.
Marisol
- 07.03.2023
- 25
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- Category:
- Free OnlyFans Leak Sites
