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OnlyFucks aka Nudes Jar! You might be surprised to learn that humans are not the only species that love to masturbate. Much like humans used to think tool use was uniquely human, we also thought jerking off was uniquely human. It couldn’t be farther from the truth, though. Many creatures in the animal kingdom enjoy getting their own rocks off. I mean, why the fuck wouldn’t they. What else is there to do with time not spent sleeping, eating, or actually fucking.

While you won’t be surprised to learn animals with hands, such as monkeys, masturbate, you might be surprised to learn that flippers can do the job also. In the case of walrus, they are perfectly suited for a bit of self-love.

Helping this process along is the enormous size of their walrus cocks. If it weren’t for that, they wouldn’t be able to get a fin down low enough to reach it. I’m not fucking around when I say large. A walrus cock can grow up to almost two feet. Not only that, but they have a bone in the fucking middle. That cock isn’t fucking around.

Pre-historic walrus cock was even larger. In 2007, a four-and-a-half-foot-long walrus cock bone was sold at auction for eight grand. And before you ask, no, it wasn’t me that bought it. Not that I wouldn’t display it prominently if I had it.

To make walrus life even better, their cocks are long enough that they can self fellate. AKA, they can suck their own cocks. What a bunch of lucky fuckers. When I die, I hope I can come back as a walrus with a five-foot dong. I better start praying now.

I would have never thought it, but the next time you’re enjoying the stench of a New York City subway, appreciate that some of the scents are produced by rat cum. That’s right. Rodents love to jerk off as much as the next guy. That makes sense to me. Rats and other rodents are extremely intelligent and surprisingly human.

While they can’t get down there with their little hands, they rub their cocks against sticks and other objects instead. Hey, whatever works. I bet I could start a rat war by tossing a rodent-sized fleshlight down into the sewer. The soft touch of silicone would be mind-blowing after years of stick rubbing.

Rats aren’t the only rodent that jerk off, though. Surprisingly squirrels are big fans of the activity also. I’m only surprised because I’ve seen a shit ton of squirrels in my lifetime, but none have been jerking off as far as I could tell. I suppose they probably retreat to the safety of their nests before blowing a load.

I’m a bit jealous of squirrels. Some species masturbate directly after having sex. Scientists think that because squirrels copulate with many different partners during mating season, jerking off might clean the pipes and help stop the spread of sexually transmitted infections. Why can’t that work for humans?! How awesome would that be? Fuck condoms. I’ll just cum again.

It’s Good to Have Hands

All this makes me happy being a member of a species with hands and builds things like fleshlights and Tesla Sex Robots. Of course, I would hate to be outside watching porn on my cell phone, rubbing my cock against the local foliage. But that’s not to say I wouldn’t do it if I needed to.

If it’s time for you to fuck a branch or two, I know just the porn to help distract you from the fact your neighbors are watching. Onlyfucks has a massive collection of one of my favorite types of porn. Onlyfans porn.

I’ve been a fan of amateur porn my entire masturbating life. Nothing beats the sense of reality that most studio porn loses with all the lights, boom mics, and angry directors. The problem is that good amateur porn has always been hard to find.

Onlyfans has changed that completely. The increase in amateur porn production since Onlyfans was released can’t even be calculated. It’s in orders of magnitude. I can’t thank the porn gods enough for blessing humble humanity with such a powerful gift. I hope our usage of it pleases our porn overlords.

Onlyfucks doesn’t stop, at Onlyfans, though. They also carry content from amateur porn hideout TikTok. That’s right. Tiktok isn’t just for stupid dancing videos and metadata collection by the Chinese government. It also has porn!

The web design on Onlyfucks is as simple as it gets. Outside of a small menu and tag list, everything else on the front page is thumbnails. The main menu is on the top and includes the options TikTok porn, Swipe porn, Hot Tiktok, Redfans, Faps.club, Reddit, and a link to your favorite PornDude. All menu options from Hot TikTok onward are links to different sites.

Lets Play a Game

Swipe porn is one of my favorite aspects of Onlyfucks. It’s a game with simple rules: A porn clip is played, and you vote whether you would fuck that bitch or not. It’s pretty entertaining for a guy like me, but it might not be a challenge for you gents. You bastards are willing to fuck any wet hole that doesn’t flee from the sight of your cock. That pussy could be attached to a radioactive demon, and you would still hit it.

The Reddit menu option takes you to the source of Onlyfucks content. Reddit is fun and all, but the design isn’t conducive to porn consumption. Plus, Onlyfucks makes some of their own additions.

The thumbnails on Onlyfucks get split into two sections separated by a tag list. The sections are content and models. As you scroll through the model list, you will be blown away by how fucking sexy these bitches are. Before Onlyfans, I would have never thought that bitches this hot would post nude pics and videos of themselves on the internet. It’s like Onlyfans hypnotizes runway-worthy sluts and strips them naked in front of a webcam.

Stop it Dad!

I half expect to be watching a video one day and see a bitch snap out of it like she just woke up from a coma. “Oh, my gaawwd. What am I doing?! Am I rubbing my clit on the internet right now!? My dad’s going to be so pissed. Ewww, what the fuck?? Is that my dad watching??”

You have to check some of these bitches out. Look at Hailey Grice or Littlmisfitt. These bitches are incredible. Sava.Schultz has tits like a fucking goddess. Emmastudtmann looks like a sex doll. I’m not even exaggerating. I’m pretty sure I have that bitch in my closet right now. If I’m not mistaken, her pussy has three different vibration levels.

All my faux bait fans will be heaping praise on tiny little Nekonikofox. She looks like a girl who will do things to a cock that it will never forget. She has that freaky slut look in her eye that says, not only will I ride your cock like a rocket ship, but I’ll key your car if you don’t put the toilet seat down. Life is about sacrifice, though, and sometimes you have to sacrifice the paint job on your Pinto for some good pussy.

My readers who love ebony porn need to rush over to Foshposh’s page right now. Her tits are fucking insane, and I would gladly suffocate myself between them. Something tells me she can suck dick like a world champion. Her lips are ideally suited to have cum fired upon them.

Everyone out there with yellow fever won’t be able to help busting a nut while watching Aveya_san show off her perfect little body. Not only is her body fuckable, but she has the face of an angel. It’s an innocent face that makes you want to spray a fat load across it.

Onlyfucks is packed with some of the sexiest models ever to grace the internet with their tits. These bitches would have never got naked in front of a camera a few years ago, but thanks to spots like Onlyfans, now they can’t fucking wait. Neither can I bitches. Please never stop showing us your cooters. Don’t worry; they won’t, and as long as they are, Onlyfucks will be there to catalog it for our enjoyment.

The only thing I would change about this place is the aesthetic. First off, it has the dreaded bright white background that I hate. Second, it looks like it was designed in fifteen seconds. Functionality is excellent, but the look needs work.

I can lose entire days on Onlyfucks, and I bet you will also. It’s alright. A day spent on Onlyfucks is a day well spent.

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From Playboy I Became Call Boy For Hyderabad Woman

Hi friends thanks for iss I have been read stories from many years. For my previous story I got good response and thank u for everyone. About me I am Cherry from Hyderabad age 26 and working here for MNC company. Back to story this time it was with married but got separated from her husband staying alone with his son and her age is 36 good looking and with little bit of fat looked nice her name is Rani (name changed). Coming to story she got my number from one of her friend (actually I do phone...

2 years ago
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Emmy BBW Slut

Hi Please Comment On My Stories, Whether Good or Bad. I met Emmy back when I was a teenager, before my senior year of high school. I'm talking about 25 years ago. Life was good, I had an old car, a girlfriend with big tits who let me take her virginity, and I was going to get to spend the summer with my older cousin John, who lived in Los Angeles, which was like 50 miles away. John had always been like a brother to me, so I was really looking forward to having some good times together. John had...

1 year ago
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The Dance

(Author's note: The transformation is not my original idea, but what is these days? For those of you that have seen the movie Legends, you should recognize it as a variation from this movie.) The Dance By Grimbo The dream has come to me every night for the last three weeks and I've always awakened before it ended. It's gotten to the point where I've started writing down what I can remember and piecing it together so that I would have a written version. This story is that...

4 years ago
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Deja Vu AscendancyChapter 354 Donnas Sexual Advisors are Unmasked

Sunday, June 3, 2007 (Continued) Donna approached me to say, "It's boring being stuck at home. How about you tell me what the 'thing' is all about?" She made a Guardian Angel-sized shape with her hands and 'floated' them, so at least she'd asked discreetly. #18: I decided on a different approach: I took her to bed, getting Carol to come with us as reinforcements. We activated the Faraday...

4 years ago
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A threesome with my sons

I got a phone call while I was visiting my mom from my younger son "Mom, do you care if I come visit you for a while on spring break" he asked."Sure honey." I replied. "But just out of curiosity do I need to come get you or is your dad bringing you over.""Dad's bringing me over if I want to go since he's going to be passing by on his way to Uncle Stephen's house for a three day fishing trip or something like that." my son replied."Ok, I will be home on Tuesday." I answered."Wait, if your not...

4 years ago
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Pas De DeuxChapter 5

It was a few minutes before seven when I woke up. Having another body in my bed was not completely strange, but the body next to me this morning was one I knew I would want there every morning from now on. I turned slightly to see Antonia propped on one arm regarding me with warm loving eyes. "Good morning my darling." She brought her lips to mine. "Thank you." "Why should you thank me?" "For loving me, for making my first time so beautiful, for making my dreams come true. I'm...

4 years ago
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My Hindu Mother Part 2

"Sumeet, this is not right. I am your mother and you are my son.""I know mom," was my answer.I started to caress her buttocks slowly. My hand covered the top cheek and then bottom one somewhat. I then started tracing the line between the two cheeks with my finger. She just let me, with an occasional half-hearted try to pull away, which I quickly thwarted.She couldn't stop her physical response to having a penis knocking on her cunt. Her cunt started to lubricate itself, as if the penis was...

2 years ago
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My first xhamster date

This happened a few years ago, but the memory hasn't faded.Her name was Jess... Or at least that's what she told me it was. I'd given her a fake name and she knew it so I suspect that she'd not given me her real name either.I can remember sitting on my sofa one Sunday morning and she popped up with a comment on my cock. She was a new member and was therefore pretty chatty (she hadn't gotten sick of all of the pests yet) She was so friendly that I actually thought that she was a fake or was...

1 year ago
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Sex With My Teacher

My name is Sunjay.I m a big fan of Indian sex stories net want to share my experience with u all folks’ would like to share my sex experience which I had with my sexy lecturer,Mrs.Khan some yrs back. I washer fav.student.she is married and has one baby girl. She is dark but beautiful. Whenever she wore saree I would love to watch her big mangoes. Her figure may be 36-30-38.we were very close with each other. One day after our college day I was going back home in my car I saw her walking towards...

2 years ago
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crossdressed for a spanking

I was younger around mid 20's I was starting to feel the need to be spanked. So I put ad on a free site and waited for responses. I got several but only one that stood out. Most of the ones that responded wanted to know why I wanted to be spanked or what I did to deserve the spanking and would not take that I just wanted one as I enjoy getting spanked as a response so I knew those were not the ones for me. The one that stood out just wanted a couple more pics of me and then we arranged a time...

3 years ago
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Six Times A DayPart 78 Dont Stop

Xania and Amy continued to kiss, lick, and fondle until most of Alan's cum was gone. But they didn't stop there. With the others giving them some privacy, they were able to get even more intimate. Xania wound up lying on top of Amy. Xania's pussy had finally recovered from her last orgasms, so the two beauties fingered, kissed, and fondled each other until they reached a mutual orgasmic peak. They just rested for a while, lying on the floor entwined in each other's arms. Amy said, "You...

2 years ago
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A New Old Watch 9th in the STOPWATCH SeriesChapter 8

"Well," said Andrea. "We know where the watch is. The only problem is it's not broke." "Shall we give Amos the shadow of a doubt? I'd hate to accuse the boy of stealing it" "He's your employee ... you're calling the shots." "You have the most unusual way with words ... Calling the shots? Where is that from?" "In my time, it's a pool ... that's billiards with pockets ... term. Calling the shot is calling the pocket." "I am aware of the game ... sinful is what it...

2 years ago
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Good Morning

As I wake from a sweet slumber, I smile-you didn't let me go at all, and I'd been sleeping in your arms all night. Sighing happily, I snuggle against you, the warmth of our bodies together creating a cozy feeling in contrast to the air-conditioned room. You begin to stir, and I look up at you; as you open your eyes, I see a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. I lift my head and kiss your lips. You respond hotly, and as I break the kiss, I grin; your cock has stiffened. I kiss you again,...

Straight Sex
2 years ago
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James the Homemaker

"You've got some explaining to do, little Missy! What, did you think I'd call you 'young man' with all those panties and a bra under your mattress? Is that your only undies supply? Why didn't you just put them in your panty drawer? Oh, don't worry. I already moved them so they'd be a little more convenient for you. Oh, and I bought you some more. A girl needs more than five pairs of panties and one bra. I'm sure I got you the right size and I bought the most feminine ones for...

1 year ago
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True love sex story

His eyes narrowed and his face grew intense. He pressed his lips against mine and we pushed ourselves against each other, feeling as much flesh as we could. I ran my fingers through his hair and threw my head back as he kissed my neck. The way he grazed my arms gave me goosebumps and the way he kissed me sent me over the edge. This is a true love sex story. Some girlfriends and I decided to go to Mexico over spring break. I remember all of us being at Lucy’s house, deciding on which resort to...

Love
2 years ago
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Biker Man

Gary had the devil-may-care biker lifestyle and philosophy which he had adopted to survive war in Africa. Gary had learned fighting in Africa that shit happens, you handled it and you survived with the least amount of hassle you could get away with. If you'd learned your lessons well and were good enough, you had fun while you were surviving, if it was at all possible. Gary was tall and his body was firm and he had dark hair and forest green eyes with tiny lines in the corners that were clearly...

Group Sex
3 years ago
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The Bike Shoppe

The following story is fictitious. This is an original post. Do not copy and post to any other sight without expressed permission of the author.Comments are always welcomed after reading. “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out”. Those were the last words spoken to my wife of 15 years. I came in from the shop one afternoon and she was standing in the middle of the living room with a suitcase. She said she fell in love with a co-worker and was leaving. In some way I understand...

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