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3rd Jexeter 60, New Earth calendar 24th August 3274, Earth calendar My name is Francis Milner. Francis, not Frances, and anyone who tries to say otherwise is liable to get a bunch of fives right on the jaw. The problem is, my hand and arm wouldn't be able to deliver the blow with anything like the force my brain expected them to. The blame for that lies firmly with the reason people are inclined to misspell my name. I really don't expect that a single living soul would be interested in reading my diary, of course, but should anyone ever be at a loose enough end to pick it up and plough their way through it, let me explain that I've tacked this introduction on at the beginning to give me the chance to apologise in advance. Please forgive all the rambling on about my name, my fist, my arm, or all the other bits of my body I'm not happy about (which is pretty much all of it, TBH). It's just that I need to repeat all this from time to time, to make sure I keep believing in myself, and I don't forget who I really am. My name is Francis Milner. Francis, not Frances. **** 18th of May 2939 Dear Diary (I think that's what people have always written at the beginning of their memoirs) or Dear Reader, or whatever, I've decided to keep a record of everything that happens to Kate and me over the next few hundred years (no, you didn't misread it, and I haven't gone mad). This is the story of Kate and Francis Milner and how a normal suburban couple became astronauts ... pioneers ... two ordinary people who are going to sleep for centuries and wake to see a new dawn on a new world. Our children will be born under a different sun from us. How cool is that? I hope I remember this accurately, because I'm writing the first few entries retrospectively. I only decided to keep a diary last night (13th of September) but I remember the 18th of May all right, because it was the day after Kate's 24th birthday, and it was the day she first showed me the advert for The New World. She came home with this brochure from a company called Galaxy 5 - they're the people who keep banging on about how it's time for the human race to find a new home, and how they're the guys to do it. But now it's official. Five years ago they announced they have a contract with the World Union Council, and they're the saviours of mankind and all that guff. Gives them a lot of leverage with a lot of important people, which basically means they can do what they like, and that's a little bit scary. I just took a quick look at it, skimmed the first few pages, just to shut her up for a bit. Already knew what it was going to say, having seen it on the news often enough, like everyone else, and done my best not to think about it (like everyone else). Didn't want to read it. Don't like reading about this stuff. Environment, temperature, oxygen, sea levels, heard it all before, blah, blah, blah. **** 19th of May 2939 Kate wanted me to look at the brochure, but I still wasn't really interested, couldn't be bothered. I mean, who prints paper leaflets these days? You want impact, get it right and use a hologram. The images on that thing didn't even move! So I just took a quick flick through it, then told her it gave me a lot to think about. She left me alone then. **** 22nd of May 2939 Kate said something to me today and I gave her a stupid answer. Can't remember what it was, but it gave me away and she knew I hadn't really read that brochure of hers at all. So she got me to sit with her while she read bits of it out, made me look at some of the pictures and graphs and read bits of it myself. There wasn't much I didn't already know, but it put it across with a real kick in the gut. Earth has never recovered from the madness of the past. Most of us still find it difficult to believe the destruction our ancestors were guilty of, towards the end of the second millennium and the beginning of the third, when they started tearing up and ruining the planet, poisoning it, burning anything and everything they could rip out of it. Nowadays, that's all changed, but despite the best efforts of the greatest scientific minds, the damage couldn't be properly healed, and we've been forced to accept the truth. The Earth is dying. Afterwards I remember folding the brochure up and looking at it. They'd done it on shiny paper, in the style of the period when all the damage was done. Then I understood why - they'd printed it like that to make a point. I remember the way Kate and I looked at each other and her face when I handed it back to her, like she knew she'd finally opened my eyes. I think nowadays most of us still suffer from the same apathy they did hundreds of years ago. Because the Earth isn't going to die in my lifetime, why should I bother? **** 23rd of May 2939 Today Kate connected to the Galaxy 5 Customer Information Office and downloaded the full hologram version of the brochure. Then we sat down together and watched it play out. Boy, it made uncomfortable viewing. That old-fashioned leaflet thing was bad enough, but watching it happen in a simulation was terrible! Things are even worse than I thought. The damage to the food chain has changed the ecosystem and scientists reckon we've only a few hundred years left before we start to die. This is what we were told near the end of part 2: "The latest findings of the International Biological Authority are stark indeed. Scientists have discovered early signs that many forms of previously edible plant life are beginning to mutate into strains that are mildly poisonous, and expectations are that, over the next few centuries, not only will the Earth's vegetation become unsuitable for consumption, but will gradually stop photosynthesising carbon dioxide into oxygen. Therefore it is only a matter of time before the Earth no longer has an atmosphere breathable by the creatures, human beings included, who currently inhabit the planet." That shook me. I didn't know things were that bad. Couldn't stop thinking about it. Didn't want to talk about it. Asked Kate to turn it off after that. She did, but then she said quietly, how about going to the Galaxy 5 offices and talking about it? I was still pretty rattled, so I just shrugged and said maybe. She didn't smile, but there was a light in her eyes that told me she was happy. **** 4th of June 2939 Kate and I had a long talk today. I know I've got the date right this time, because it was Thursday the 4th, two days before the interview. But more of that later! It's nearly two weeks since we viewed the Galaxy 5 hologram, and she's left me pretty much to myself, letting me stew. But today she said right out the blue, "Let's go see them." I still wasn't very keen, but I could see she'd been right all along. No, I couldn't "see she'd been right" - I'd finally admitted to myself she was right. We've all known for ages, and I'm the same. My head's been buried in the sand. So I said yes. Less than half an hour later we had an appointment for a face to face interview (how quaint and old-fashioned!) at the Galaxy 5 offices, for 10:30 on Saturday. **** 5th of June 2939 Now we've got the meeting set up, we're both starting to feel kind of excited about it. This evening Kate and I sat and talked about what New Earth would be like. We opened a bottle of red wine and by the time we were half way through we'd got a bit silly. Kate wondered if the sun would be purple, and I asked how did she know there's just one sun. Then I said maybe there would be white sky and blue clouds. You get the idea. I guess we were both starting to look forward to the interview tomorrow. 6th of June 2939 0900 - Today's the day! Can't wait!! Let you know how it goes (of course)!!! 1400 - Great meeting!!!! The person we spoke to is called Adele (Simmons, I think). Nice girl. About Kate's age, and we hit it off straight away. We chatted for a while, and she told us we're exactly the kind of people they're looking for. Young, smart, enthusiastic. Even better, as a nanoform engineer, my skills are in great demand. Using nanobots for landscaping and construction has been well established for a couple of centuries, but the scale we'll need in populating a new planet needs someone of my level. Sensed Kate felt really proud of me there. I felt really good about that because it's always been me who's felt proud of her, being a doctor. And that was a big plus too - a doctor and a nanoform engineer. Perfect. Adele showed us some pictures of New Earth. You can imagine our surprise! "How on New Earth did you manage to get pictures?" I asked, and she thought that was funny. She explained it took the probes four or five hundred years to reach the planets they were going to, but the data only took a few decades to get back once the probes had arrived and started transmitting. They sent the probes out about 600 years ago, and about 75 years ago, the planet Braxus 2306.3 was selected to become New Earth, the future home of the human race. That was when the World Union Council signed the big one - the contract with Galaxy 5 to take us there. It was all top secret until recently. Looks lovely. Bright, yellow sun, blue skies, white clouds, green grass, trees, all that. Looks just like Earth, but much nicer. Really, really nice. Like everybody's idea of paradise (but we'll soon change that, won't we?) (shouldn't joke, should I?) (well look what we did to the last place we lived in!) Adele said she thought Kate and I would be ideal, and she told us to go home and think about it for a little while. Quick summary: the next ship leaves on the 10th of July, 2940 - that's one year, one month and four days from now. If we decide we want to go, we should come back for a formal interview before the 1st of December. If we do that, she is sure we'll be on list A. "What's list A?" Kate immediately asked. "There are two passenger lists, A and B," Adele explained. "The people on list A are guaranteed a place. The remaining places are given to the best candidates on list B." **** 7th of June 2939 We talked about it the next day, but that was it. We just talked. **** 8th of June 2939 Still talking, but Kate's very persuasive. I think I might end up agreeing with her. **** 13th of September 2939 We're going to go! It was over breakfast this morning. Kate said, "Franc, I've been mulling things over, you know, about the New World, and ..." That was as far as she got before I interrupted. "I think we should too," I said and her face lit up. That was it! We decided there and then. Kate got on the case straight away, and we have an interview with Galaxy 5 on Saturday. I've decided to keep a diary, and I'm going to use paper, just like the brochure, just to make a point. It's probably better anyway, because the Quantum Cloud won't be available on New Earth - the network latency would be horrendous! (even nowadays!) I've managed to procure an old-fashioned notebook, and an old-fashioned pen, and I'm going to write it all by hand. That's me caught up, BTW. Took me a few hours to piece everything together and write it, but there we are. All we can do now is wait for Saturday to arrive. **** 19th of September 2939 It's Saturday! 0930 - Just about to leave. Kate's yelling at me to hurry up. 2100 - We're on list A! Just like Adele said! It was a tough day. Interviews (hard questions), a medical, intelligence tests, psychological evaluation, you name it. Adele was with us most of the day. She met us, and guided us round all the departments, introducing us to the staff (can't remember any of the names now!) and at the end, she got the pleasure of telling us. List A! Can you believe it? That's it - we're guaranteed a place! Here's the low-down. The departure date is the 10th of July, 2940 (I said that before). Passenger boarding is from the 3rd, till the 8th. By then, everyone will be in hibernation except the crew. That gives them two days for the final preparations, make sure everyone is sleeping securely, and then put the crew into hibernation. They'll wake first - a few months before we arrive, but we won't know anything about that. We'll wake up on New Earth. **** 16th of February 2940 I wasn't planning on writing anything until much nearer departure, but I just had to add this - we've got our date for boarding! We've to be there on the 6th of July at 1300. We've got directions, what to do when we arrive, how to pack the possessions we want to take, etc. etc. I must add that we've been saying goodbye to a lot of people. It never struck me that there are so many who won't be able to make this trip - too old, not healthy enough (they're not trying to create a master race on the New World or anything like that - a lot of people genuinely wouldn't survive hibernation). It's quite sad, really. Only a handful of the people we know will be both able and willing to do this, so a lot of our family and friends we'll never see again after we go. When you think about it, all the others will die while we're in hibernation, so from our perspective, they only have a few months to live. **** 3rd of July 2940 I just had to say - boarding has begun! The first of the passengers are on board already, and are going into hibernation - some of them might already be asleep! **** 6th of July 2940 0600 - We don't need to be leaving this early, but we're sooooo excited! Neither of us got much sleep last night, but that wasn't a problem (sorry, TMI). Kate said she was worried we'd be too tired. I said maybe we could catch up on our sleep later. She cracked up at that, because she hadn't realised what she'd said. Quick breakfast, then it'll be time to go. 1430 - We're in our cabin. It's more like a sort of dormitory, really. There are about 20 of these hibernation pods in each room. Goodness knows how many rooms there are - the ship is MASSIVE! I couldn't believe it. The man who showed us here - his name's Harold - said there are about 5000 passengers, so I could work it out myself. Funny thing - when we were waiting to get into our lift to board the ship, another group of a few hundred people were being taken into another lift near the back, but their lift was much much bigger than any of the others. I asked Harold and he said they were --- wait for it --- criminals! I said what? We're going to a new world and we're populating it with criminals? Why? He told me not to worry, that it won't be a problem. "Believe me," he said. 1545 - We're just waiting for the doctor to hook us up. She's done the first few in our room and it won't be long before she reaches us. Better wind up and get ready. We've to strip - we get into the pods with nothing on. There's a little compartment at the bottom with new clothes, and space for a few personal bits and pieces - like this diary for instance, so I'm able to keep writing until the last minute. And I promise an update as soon as we arrive. That's all I have time for. On this planet anyway. Later. Heh. Much later! **** 3rd Jexeter 57, New Earth calendar 23rd of April 3268, Earth calendar I HATE THEM!!!! I HATE THEM!!!! THEY HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THIS TO ME! All right, so I've calmed down a bit. I'm still angry and then some, and I still hate those bastards at Galaxy 5, but at least I'm rational enough now to explain. I wrote that about an hour after I woke up, and I've just added the date to it. We've been here ten days now, and again I'm writing the first few entries retrospectively, starting with the day we arrived. We came out of hibernation on the 23rd of April, 3268 (the clocks on the ship were showing Earth time). The date on the New Earth calendar is 3rd Jexeter 57. I was too distraught until now to do anything but shout and scream and cry and scratch or kick anyone who comes near me. Except Kate. She's as much a victim as I am and she's just as upset as me. And we're not the only ones. Here goes. I can hardly bring myself to write this. I'm a woman. While I was asleep the hiber Sorry. I started crying again and got the paper wet. Need to start again. I'm a woman. While I was asleep the hibernation pod changed my sex. I knew straight away that something was wrong, and it only took about a second to realise what it was (no - what it IS - my sex is still wrong)! I can't remember what I became aware of first - maybe everything at the same time. I think that's what it was, because I don't remember going to sleep or waking up. I got into the hibernation pod and the doctor appeared and looked down at me. She did something with the control panel and said: "Everything's good." She gave me a strange smile and said: "Enjoy." I relaxed and made myself as comfortable as I could and - I don't know how to put it - I suddenly felt myself turning into a woman. Just like that. I totally freaked out. Look at it from my point of view - one waking instant I was a man, the next a woman. It was like my male parts just vanished while I was lying there, and breasts appeared at the same time - they were just there - flattened out on my chest and spreading under my arms. I yelled in shock, then I lost it, because I could hear this woman's voice shouting but it was me shouting. The doctor was still there and she tried to calm me, and then I saw it wasn't the doctor, it was Kate. She bent over me and started whimpering. She started saying how sorry she was, but she just kept repeating the same thing over and over again. Like she'd no idea what to say to me. She made me get out of the pod. It was even worse having to move and I think she knew that because she helped me as much as she could. But she couldn't stop me being aware of how different I was now. There was a sort of gown in the locker for me to put on. Kate pulled it round me and tied it. It was a relief to look down and not see a woman, but I could still see the front of the gown sticking out. Kate put her arms around me and hugged me, and that did feel a bit better, because I'm used to breasts being there when I hug her. There were other people in the same room as us, and they were screaming and crying too, and I could hear voices from other rooms close to ours. All female voices. Then it started to sink in properly. I started groaning, I couldn't help it. Something was making me fold over in the middle and I couldn't stand. Kate helped me to sit down with my back to the pod (I think I'd have collapsed in a heap if she hadn't been there). My whole body was going into spasms, trying to pull me into a little ball and I couldn't help it. I was groaning and sobbing and I slid onto the floor in the foetal position. Kate knelt down over me and put her arms round me and her head against mine. She kept whispering to me, trying to make me feel better but it didn't. She knew it too but that didn't stop her (I think she's wond Sorry, trying to write that made me start crying again and I got the paper wet again. Kate kept whispering to me, trying to make me feel better but it didn't. She knew it too but that didn't stop her from trying (I think she's wonderful). She kept saying I love you. I'll help you get through this. It'll be all right. I'll make sure we're all right. Remember how much I care for you. We've still got each other. We'll always have each other. Nothing can stop that. Eventually she got me to sit up. She sat beside me and we put our arms around each other and cried all over each other for ages. That's pretty much it for today, except for one thing. After a while we were taken off the ship and shown to a room where we were going to spend the first night here. Our things had already been taken there. It was a lovely room. I took one look at the bed and that started me off again. We came here thinking we'd have children and raise them in a new world. But now? Kate comforted me and calmed me down. There was an inhaler with a mild sleeping agent, that we've to use to begin with, while our body clocks adjust to the longer days and nights here. I remember I couldn't wait to take it. Anything to get me out of this nightmare. I was thinking: maybe this is just a nightmare. Maybe I'm still asleep on the ship. Maybe I'll still be a man when I wake up. **** 4th Jexeter 57, New Earth calendar 24th of April 3268, Earth calendar I'm a woman. I think I cried out in fright when I was only half awake this morning, and that's what woke me properly, and it was some shock. I think I woke Kate at the same time. I was lying on my back fighting tears and she had one arm across me. "Mm, love you," she purred, and pulled herself closer. The way she does. Did. Because her hand went looking for something the way she always did. She found the place where it used to be, and that was her fully awake too. She gasped and backed away from me as if she'd woken up to find herself cuddling a pig. I looked at her and I could see the pain in her face. She relented straight away and started to put her arms around me. I had this sudden feeling that I didn't want to hug Kate and not be a man, so I tried to get out of bed to escape but she held me tight (she's as strong as I am now). She pulled me into an embrace and I just broke down and wept as bitterly as yesterday. Kate is really strong. Emotionally too. No, emotionally in particular. She was crying too, really, really crying, but she managed to hold herself together for my sake. I don't think I've ever loved her more than in the moment when I saw that. That's the worst part of it, because this has made me realise just how much I love Kate - I love her even more than I ever thought. But now it's too late. I love Kate more and more. More than anything. But now we can't Sorry, crying again. Actually, I don't think I need finish what I was going to write. I'm sure you understand, and it's just as well, because I don't think I'd be able to write it. I need to change the subject. I promised to record what happened the day after we arrived, and that's what I need to focus on. After we had breakfast (water and a nutrition pill) we got an announcement that we'd to go to the assembly arena immediately. It's a big area outside. Everyone was looking lost, but it was our chance to get a good look at our fellow travellers. We didn't see much of them when we were boarding. Everyone was too excited and too busy. Well, no-one's that excited any more, and we're all too busy being female to have the time or the inclination for anything else. Every one of us. There wasn't a single man in sight. The arena is massive, it was filling up, there must've been all 5000 of us there. Not one of us was a man. About half of us were looking awkward and self-conscious, and that's the group I belonged to. None of us knew what to do with ourselves, how to stand, what to do with our hands, where to look. But my heart went out to one family of five (I think feeling sorry for someone else took my mind off myself for a bit). Two women, of course, and three girls, all five of them distraught and in floods of silent tears. What got me was the way the parents were trying to comfort the children. One of the women was struggling big time, but she was doing her best for the sake of the girls. The other woman was trying to look after her, too. But that woman's face! It looked like it was made of stone, but I've still never seen a more determined, caring, loving expression. It was obvious from her manner that on the day we set out, she had been the only female. I didn't have time to look properly at anyone else because it started then. There was a row of ten or twelve people at the front on a sort of podium, all women except for one man - the first I've seen since we got here. One of the women stood. She looked to be about 45. She told us all to take a seat. She introduced herself as Rohanna Fabyinski, governor of the New Earth colony, and said she was going to explain what was happening. There was a lot of angry chattering at that point, but she quietened us easily, because I think we were all uncomfortable with how high-pitched a noise we were making. Even the women who had always been women were used to hearing male voices mingling with their own. Rohanna (she said that's what she wanted us to call her) took a long time explaining everything in great detail, but this is it in a nutshell. The first and most important thing we have to do is populate the planet as quickly as we can. That's being done by the arriving ships, but there's a limit to how quickly people can be transported, so it's important for as many children as possible to be born here. Now here's the rub. It takes a woman nine Earth months to have a baby, but the man's part in the process is over in minutes, and he recovers in a few hours. That makes it advantageous to have a large number of women, and only a small number of men are needed to get them pregnant. There was more angry shouting then. When it died down, someone said: "But we're all female!" Rohanna said we're not, and she looked up above us towards the back. We all turned and saw there was a gallery, with about a hundred men, sitting looking down at us. Some of them, I thought looked shocked - a bit outraged on our behalf, and I felt grateful to them, despite what we're supposed to let them do to us. But not all of them. Quite a few were smirking down at us as if they'd just been given the best present they could possibly imagine. That made my blood boil and I jumped to my feet. "Why me and not them?" I yelled. "Why did you turn me into a woman?" But Rohanna didn't react sternly like I thought she would. She looked sympathetically at me - quite sadly, I thought - and then answered perfectly calmly. "Firstly," she said, "I didn't do this - we didn't - do this to you." She looked around the other women on the podium, who looked back at her, all with the same sad, resigned expression. The man looked at the ground. Rohanna looked me straight in the eye. Then she sighed and she said, "We weren't given the choice." My heart jumped because I knew then it was a double meaning and Rohanna knew exactly how I felt. Exactly. "Secondly," she said, "as to the selection criteria. What is your vocation?" "Nanoform engineer." "Yes, that'll be it. You work with your brain, not your hands. A woman can do your job just as easily as a man." That shut me up. That was pretty much it. We went back to our room and I started work. Took my mind off things for a bit. I'll have a lot to do and I'll be busy for quite some time (which is good). There are other nanoform engineers here, but I'm the most experienced. My first job, though, is to design our home. We've been allocated the land, and the house is up to us. Spent the rest of the day with a shiny new quantum computer, programming Kate's dream home. Unfortunately, there'll be one thing missing from that dream. **** 5th Jexeter 57, New Earth calendar 26th of April 3268, Earth calendar I finished programming the nanobots last night, so today we can "go home". It should only take them 7 or 8 hours to complete the build, so we have plenty of time. Feels funny saying that (days here are much longer than Kate and I are used to). You might not be familiar with the old Earth calendar so I'll explain. They decided to keep seconds, minutes and hours the same length here, but because old Earth took less time to spin around its axis, a day was only 24 hours long instead of 35, and we didn't have those 7 leap seconds at midnight. The time went straight from 00:00 to 00:01, without the 00:00.0 to 00:00.7 in between. The earth was also quicker to orbit the sun, so we only had 12 months (and they were all different lengths)! It's far easier here, with the first 15 months all 33 days long, then Dazbor having 34 days. A year on Earth is (was?) less than half the length of a New Earth year! We also had things called leap years (nah, TMI - they're as complicated as they are boring). Kate and I were waiting outside for a transport to take us "home". She wandered off to take a look at the ship (still sitting on the landing area) and I followed. Next thing we got a bit of a shock. Some people were leading animals off the ship. I don't remember any being taken on, but boarding lasted days, so obviously we just didn't see them. Then it hit me. The animals were being taken from the big lift at the back. I gasped. "Kate," I said, but she knew already. "Yeah," she said, "I know. I know what they've done. Franc, that's horrible!" Now we both understood what that guy Harold had meant when he told us the criminals weren't going to be a problem on New Earth. We stood there in horror as we watched the poor creatures being dragged from the ship - sheep, cattle, pigs, horses. A big crate that had birds in it - hens I think. The cattle were the worst. Straining against the ropes pulling them. I could see the whites of their eyes even from quite far away. There's something about the noise an animal makes that just tells you it's frightened and in distress (same as with people). "Maybe I don't feel quite so bad now," I remember saying. But it wasn't much of a relief, not really, and it didn't take my mind off my own problems for very long. Kate turned and walked away. I thought she was going because she couldn't bear to watch, but she wasn't. She went towards the ship where a woman was dragging a dog in the opposite direction to everything else. She had a gun. Kate argued with her and then she shrugged and gave her the rope that was tied round the dog's neck. Kate tried to get it to follow her but it pulled back. She bent down to speak to it and eventually it followed, but it didn't look happy. Its head was down and its tail was between its legs. "She was going to shoot him," was what she said. I asked why. "He bit someone." I said I wasn't surprised. So that was it. We had a pet. **** 6th Jexeter 57, New Earth calendar 27th of April 3268, Earth calendar Kate loves the house. It took most of yesterday afternoon to construct, but it was worth it. I love it too. There's only one thing wrong with it. The people who live in it are both female. Kate tried her best to stay cheerful (bless her) and to cheer me up (bless her), but what can she do? She succeeded to a limited extent by keeping herself busy arranging everything the way she wants it, and keeping me busy by making me help her (bless her). But then she had to go and spoil everything. She started to cry and then she hugged me. That made me cry too. I mean, what do you expect? I'm supposed to be bigger than her. I'm supposed to be stronger than her. We're only supposed to be able to feel one pair of boobs between us. She's supposed to make me hard. But she can't (but it's not her fault). So we agreed to try our best. That means we work together. We talk (with 2 female voices). We hug with four boobs and no erection. We do everything we can to ignore the elephant in the room. And talking about the elephant in the room, there's the dog Kate saved from being shot too. He just sits there and mopes. He just watches us. He's probably thinking he wishes he could help. I think he maybe wishes Kate had let that woman shoot him. I'm sure he envies me (difficult as this is for me to come to terms with). But given the choice he would take it, I'm sure. Tomorrow we both start work. Real work I mean. I'm going to the Nanoform Centre to meet the team that are going to do all the construction. Buildings. Landscaping. Kate's going to the medical centre and start to plan the new hospital. I guess that's one of the first buildings we'll be working on. **** 7th Jexeter 57, New Earth calendar 29th of April 3268, Earth calendar First day at work, and work is pretty cool. We've got all the best equipment (brought it with us) and some awesome quantum computers (I told you the one I used to design the house was good, but you should see what we've got at the Nanoform Centre)! I've always wanted a job like this - it's great. Except for one thing. I'm a woman. But I suppose it's a bit encouraging that my first thought was something else - perhaps I'm getting used to this. I sure hope so, because I'm going to be one for the rest of my life. There's no way out - the only things that could have saved me (and all the other victims too) are the hibernation pods we arrived in, but they've gone. The ship left on its return journey overnight last night. No point in trying to stop them - we don't have the equipment we'd need to reprogram them to reverse what they've done. I do take comfort in one thing - the people who did this to me are dead. I sure hope so, anyway. If they stayed on Earth, they were dead long before we arrived here. I hope they're not on a ship because I bet the men among them will all still be men when they arrive. I hope they're all dead. I hope they were all too old or too ill to survive hibernation. I hope they died in pain. **** 13th Jexeter 57, New Earth calendar 8th of May 3268, Earth calendar That's me caught up. I'm writing this on the actual date. There's not much point in filling in the past few days, because Kate and I have been working pretty much non-stop. The first burst of activity is all over. Nanoforming of the important buildings and the initial landscape is almost complete, so now I have a few days off. So has Kate, and that gives us some time to spend together. But what we're going to do, I have no idea. Talk. Read. Tidy up. Talk more. Whatever it is we end up doing, I know one thing - we'll be doing something you don't need a penis for. I'm a woman. I hate waking up in the morning. Every morning is like the first. I hate waking up next to Kate and being the same sex as her. We always have breakfast together, but having breakfast with a beautiful woman isn't the triumph it used to be. Then I go to work to do a job that a woman can do as easily as a man. Unfortunately. At work, I keep to the company of other females as much as possible, which isn't that hard TBH, because that's what most of us are. Men are rare, but when you do run into one their eyes are everywhere, and we all learned pretty quickly we need to keep away from their hands. They seem to think they own us (which is understandable, I guess, given the remit that's been handed down to them). You'd think that with wall-to-wall females, looking at a woman would become a bit banal, wouldn't you? But that's not how it seems to work. They can't get enough of us. Lucky bastards. I just wish they'd cut us a bit of slack. Now I understand what women have been complaining about all these years. They don't mean any harm, not really - I know that - but they still make me feel like an object. If I ever did that, I'm sorry. Really, really sorry. Just let me be a man again, and I promise I'll treat women with the respect and consideration they deserve. Just, please, let me not be one of them. It's weird. I never realised how different men were until I stopped being one. If I said how aware I am of having nothing between my legs, you'd probably assume I was talking about the visible bits - the things you can see on the outside. Of course, I'm conscious of those being missing, but that's just the tip of the iceberg so to speak. As someone who used to be a man I know what I'm talking about when I say you can't always feel those parts - you're not permanently aware of them. It's the parts you can't see that I most notice being gone. I don't know how best to describe it - my hips, my bottom and my thighs are all rounded and soft, but I'm not just soft on the outside - I'm soft on the inside too. And that's the crux of it. I've lost the muscular bulk at the very bottom of my body - the internal part of my penis - and all the tendons and ligaments holding it in place, all the tubes to my testicles. Without all that, everything is soft, fatty, pliable ... like the difference between hard muscle and soft fat. That's what feels like to a man (well you know what I mean). Female organs are higher up inside you, so right down at the very bottom all I have is I can't say it The way in. There. I said it. That's all that's there. Nothing, really. I can cross my legs and press them together impossibly tight and not be hurting anything - not be squeezing anything but soft tissue with no resistance. I can move them more easily without the firmness I used to have dragging back on their movement. They feel freer, and I don't like the feeling. I think I need to stop this. Otherwise it's going to drive me mad. I have to accept this is who and what I am, and that my relationship with Kate has changed for ever. We're two women who live together. Neither of us are lesbians, and neither of us wants to be a lesbian. That means we're both going to have to do without sex for the rest of our lives. **** 14th Jexeter 57, New Earth calendar 9rd of May 3268, Earth calendar Doing not too badly, considering. Kate and I had breakfast, then did some housework. I think we're going to be good fr Sorry, wet the paper again. After that, we talked about what we were going to do next, but we couldn't think of anything we wanted to And again. Sorry. In the end, Kate read while I spent time with the dog we picked up the day we came here. We'd thought straight away that he could understand what we were saying, but obviously he can't talk to us so we couldn't be sure. To begin with, all he did was either growl or whine, but yesterday he began to bark. Kate said she reckons he had to learn how to use his new voice. It took a while, but eventually I figured out a way to communicate with him. Firstly I tried asking a question with a yes or no answer, and he'd reply with one bark for yes, two for no. That worked to begin with, and it proved what Kate and I thought - that he really could understand what we were saying. But it wasn't that good, not really. I mean, how could we be expected to fire off an endless sting of random questions, hoping for a single bark? So then I came up with this: I recite the letters of the alphabet and he barks when I say the letter he wants. That way he can spell out a message. Works OK, but even that's painfully slow. However, I've found out a few things. His name's Edward. I called him Eddie, but he barked twice and growled, so I won't try calling him Eddie again. Kate thinks maybe it sounds a bit patronising. I guess that's probably true. There's not much of his old life he's been allowed to keep. In fact, his name's probably the only thing he's got left. Then we started on why. The first thing we established was he's not a murderer. (that's a relief) We used a combination of yes/no and the alphabet and figured out he was convicted of embezzlement. That sucks man. Totally sucks. He stole a few thousand cryptobucks - less than a month's salary, and they did this to him? When this happened to me, I didn't think it was possible to hate anyone any more than I did then, but I was wrong. And it killed the conversation. Kate and I sat with our own thoughts. We were both a bit shocked TBH. No - very shocked. Edward sat down flat with his head on his front paws. His ears were down. He didn't move much the rest of the evening and we thought it would be best to leave him to himself. **** 16th Jexeter 57, New Earth Calendar 12th May 3268, Earth Calendar Something occurred to me today - I think I'm getting used to being a woman! But that doesn't mean I'm getting to like it. It is a relief, not trudging through the whole day thinking, "I'm a woman. I hate it. I'm a woman. I hate it." I'm accustomed to what my body feels like now, so it's not on my mind the whole time. It's nice to spend long periods completely at ease, but there always comes a time when I suddenly become aware of myself, and then this sort of knot forms in my stomach, as if a bottle of acid has burst inside me, and the acid's spreading all through me, eating me up. But as the days pass, I'm feeling more at ease, and the acid attacks me less. Maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel. Just have to wait and see. **** 17th Jexeter 57, New Earth Calendar 13th of May 3268, Earth Calendar Kate's period came today. By her calculations, her cycle carried on from where it was when she went into hibernation. Fair enough. Then she totally freaked me out by starting to talk about me. She says she thinks I'll have started with the bit where hormones make an egg start to mature. She called it the 'follicular phase of the menstrual cycle'. I call it an abomination. For me I mean, not for her. Kate's supposed to have periods. I'm not. But the worst bit was when she started to explain what's happening, hormones, the lining of the uterus. I had to tell her to shut up. That I don't need her to tell me. That I get it. That I understand. That I know what's happening. But I don't. I have no idea what's happening to her body. I have no idea what's going to happen to my body. All I can do is wait and find out. I've never been more scared in my life. So much for light at the end of the tunnel! **** 22nd Jexeter 57, New Earth Calendar 21st of May 3268, Earth Calendar Well that's it. I've waited and waited, dreading this moment, but it's finally here. I'm having my period. You've no idea how weird it is for me to say that, about me. ME! I still can't believe it. I'm actually having my I HATE THEM!! THEY HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THIS!! IT'S NOT FAIR!! **** 26th Jexeter 57, New Earth Calendar 27th of May 3268, Earth Calendar We got home from work and had dinner. We were relaxing and then a transport turned up outside and someone rang the alert. Kate told the door to open and I heard a woman asking for "Dr. Katherine Milner." She started to say something but Kate cut her off with, "I know why you're here." The look she gave me - I've never seen anyone look so guilty - it made me feel really worried. There were three of them, all women. One of them - the same one I think - asked Kate since she knew why they were here, could they assume she knew the options? Kate said no. The woman held something up - some sort of scanner, and ran it up and down, pointed at Kate's body. "Confirmed," she said. "You're fertile. You're aware of the compulsory childbirth order?" Kate nodded, but didn't look at me. Even though she must have known the way I was looking at her. She'd never mentioned this compulsory childbirth order, whatever it is. I'd no idea what it was (but obviously I could guess). Kate said she didn't know much about the details, though, and asked what the options were. The woman replied that she had two choices. She could go with them to the fertility centre and have sex with a designated male, or she could be inseminated, here and now. "If you choose insemination, you may opt for a random semen sample, or you could choose to receive your husband's." "What?" we both said at the same time. "I'm surprised a doctor is unaware of this ..." the woman started saying, but Kate jumped in straight away. "That's because I'm a doctor," she snapped, and she almost shouted 'doctor'. No, snarled. That's more like it. "I cure people, not torture them!" she said. Kate, I love you. But that woman just carried on talking and ignored Kate. I hate her. "When males are reassigned as females, the first thing the hibernation pods do, before the conversion process begins, is harvest the subject's semen. We have an adequate supply from every former male who has arrived here." "That's obscene!" Kate whispered. "In that case we will assign a random semen sample." Kate turned her head and looked at me then. Really sadly. Then she stared hard at the woman and said, "No. I want to have my husband's baby." She looked at me again and said, "I've always wanted that." It made me cry. They took her through to the sleeping zone while I stayed in the lounging zone and waited while they arranged for me to get my wife pregnant in absentia. I've always wanted to do this, but I was actually hoping that I'd be there at the time - that I'd be able to provide Kate with my semen first hand. But at least it's mine. And I can't help thinking how precious it is, because however much they have, that's it. I can't Sorry I can't make any more. They all came out together. Kate just stood and looked at me while they left. She looked as if she'd burst into tears at any moment, really vulnerable. As soon as we were alone she ran over to me and hugged me and started to cry. We sat down together and held each other and whispered to each other. I'm not telling you what we said. **** 31st Jexeter 57, New Earth Calendar 3rd June 3268, Earth Calendar They came back today. This time they came for me. I think Kate knew what was going to happen as soon as she heard them arrive. She came straight over to me and put her arms around me and there were tears on her cheeks before she got to me. She whispered she was so, so sorry, and begged me to be brave, and then I knew why they'd come back. I wanted a big hole to open up and swallow me. Then I started to wish I'd had the foresight to nanoform one in advance. Kate (sounding reluctant) let the door open and they came in. It was the same three women as last time. "Ms. Frances Milner," the first one said, and the way she said my name made my blood boil. That even made me forget why they were here for a moment. "Francis!" I almost shouted, emphasising the "siss" at the end. She'd pronounced it "Fran-sees." She ignored that. All she did was point that thing at me and tell me I was fertile, just like she'd done to Kate. Then she asked me if I wanted to go to the fertility centre and have sex, or be inseminated. I thought I was going to faint. "No!" I said really quietly. It was almost a whisper but I said it so viciously she stopped and looked at me. "You can't do this to me," I said. I was shaking. Kate put her arm round me but she didn't say anything. "You've no right!" I said as well. "You've no choice," she said. "None of us have." I just wanted some way to get back at her and I was looking for something hurtful to say. Then it clicked. This was what had happened to her, I was sure. "Are you a man too?" I asked in as much of a growl as I could. As much as my voice would let me, but I thought the question only hurt me. "No," she replied. "None of us are." She was stony-faced and looked quite fierce. So then I though maybe I'd got her, maybe just a bit. But that didn't do me any good. Probably just made her more vindictive. "I won't let you do this. I refuse." "If you refuse to make a choice, I'll choose for you." She lifted that gadget again and pointed it at me. The room started to swim and I think Kate tried to hug me again, but one of the other women took my arm. The next thing I knew I was lying on my back and there was the most awful feeling coming from somewhere inside me. Something like I've never felt before. I was naked from the waist down and someone was pulling something out of me, and I could feel it touching and tickling things that I knew I shouldn't have. Things I wouldn't have if I'd still been a man. Hours later, even the memory makes me shudder and want to scream "Ugh!" and make me cross my legs tight and try to squeeze away the feeling, but I can't make it go away. I think I'll remember it forever. Then I recognised the thing as a catheter and I knew they were already taking it out and leaving some guy's sperm inside me and it was too late to put up a fight. I started screaming and swearing, but they just backed off. Kate came in and she held me and pulled my clothes back together. The first woman said "Dr. Milner" and Kate jumped up looking as if she wanted to hit her. The woman pointed the same gadget at her and said "Inconclusive." Then the three of them left without saying anything else. **** 32nd Jexeter 57, New Earth Calendar 4th June 3268, Earth Calendar I've had enough. I'm going to stop writing all this down because I'm convinced it's making me feel worse. When I started this diary I was all enthusiasm about our big adventure in the new world, but all I've done since we got here is write about how terrible it's been. If you're still reading, sorry about that. It's time to stop. Goodbye, and thank you for reading. **** 4th Ursina 57 Kate's pregnant. I know I said I wasn't going to write any more, but I just had to. Lets me get things off my chest without making Kate listen to my incessant moaning (even though she does her share). That woman turned up again today (Kate called her a fertility doctor) with her two cronies (nurses). The doctor pointed the same gadget at Kate and said "Positive. Congratulations." She told the nurses they could wait outside, then said to Kate: "Sit down, please, and I'll explain what's going to ..." "I'm a doctor," Kate interrupted, "remember?" The woman left without saying anything else. Kate turned back to me and we both started crying. She managed to say "It's yours. Please try to hold on to that. It's yours." That made me feel a little better, but it was still a bitter-sweet moment. At last Kate and I have something we've always wanted. She's carrying my child. But I'm going to be carrying someone else's. **** 9th Ursina 57 I'm pregnant. And to think I thought writing "I'm a woman" was bad! They sure don't waste much time. We've only been on New Earth for 39 days and already we're both going to be mothers. (I'm going to be a father too. I was hoping it would make me feel better to write that, but it didn't.) I still hate them for what they did to me, but now I hate that fertility doctor almost as much. She turned up again and this time all she did was point her scanner thing at me and tell me the worst. Then she scarpered. Perhaps she thought that two pregnant, hormonal, angry women would gang up on her. I think she was right. Kate tried to comfort me a bit, but I just wanted to sit and mope and feel sorry for myself. I got to thinking: maybe that sperm was actually a woman's! Who knows? But the chances are it is! Given how many of us were changed, I mean. The father of my child is probably a woman now. Like the father of Kate's child. Like me. I said that to Kate. She says I'm right. Definitely. She'd been talking to one of the fertility doctors, and she found out a little about what they did. They only 'harvested' sperm from the men who were to be 'reassigned'. Nothing was taken from the men who are still men, because they were to remain capable of 'independent manufacture and distribution' as Kate said the other doctor described it. What a way to put it! I wouldn't turn my nose up at it, though - still being capable of 'manufacture and distribution'! Nor would Kate. I meant she'd like me to be - I didn't mean I thought Kate herself would want to be capable of 'manufacture and distribution'! I don't believe it. I think that's the closest I've come to cracking a joke since we got here. **** 13th Orlin 57 We've started walking more. We always did like walking, a bit, but now we're doing it a lot more, for 2 reasons. We're both a little over 1 month pregnant now (which would be more than 2 months on Old Earth) and it's not going to be much longer before walking starts to get difficult and tiring (same as standing up will, or sitting down, or just sitting still probably). And we also want to do everything we can to be healthy so our children will be healthy too. We both agree the children we have aren't to blame for what happened to me, and then to both of us, forcing us to do this (even though Kate has what we both always wanted - my baby). We also both hope we have boys. Boys born here are going to be allowed to stay boys. They're not going to do to them what they did to me (we don't have the technology here anyway, at least not yet). When we go for a walk we always take Edward with us. Something that surprises me - he likes it if I throw something for him to chase. A ball, if we have one, or even just a stick. The further I throw it, the better he likes it. Even if I only lob it up in the air, he tries to catch it. That's behaviour I've always associated with real dogs, and that's why I'm so surprised. We can still have a perfectly normal conversation with him. I know he can't talk and we have to go through the alphabet for him, but even though it's slow (very slow) (painfully slow) we get 100% perfect sense from him. You'd think that someone like that would feel humiliated with somebody throwing a stick for them to fetch. I dunno. I do know something though. Edward's mind is still completely intact - this must be horrible for him. **** 14th Orlin 57 I said to Kate about Edward running for sticks and stuff, and she says it's understandable. Physically, he was changed completely, so he is a real dog. That means he has all the hormones and emotions that dogs should have, so things that feel good for dogs, feel good for him too. She says he's probably figured out that normal canine activities - running at full tilt - pretend chase - pretend kill - are the only way he can experience pleasure. But but she agrees it must be humiliating, at least to begin with. But he's probably decided he needs to swallow his pride if he wants anything that feels good. And she agrees with me about his mind too. She doesn't know whether to be glad he still has his intelligence, or sorry that he's fully aware of what's happened to him. And she definitely agrees it must be horrible. **** 19th Orlin 57 I never thought I'd ever experience morning sickness, but there you go. I've been feeling queasy the last few mornings and today I was actually sick. Kate's not been as bad as me, pretty mild by comparison, which isn't fair because she's the one who's always wanted this. I don't mean she wanted morning sickness, just to be pregnant. I didn't want either, but I've got both. **** 22nd Orlin 57 Real shock today. We were reminiscing a bit and Kate asked Edward about what he did back on Old Earth (I'd never have done that in case it hurt him but she said it was a choice between facing up to facts, or excluding him because he's only a dog, and she picked the lesser of two evils). Anyway ... we found out he wrote a book. I couldn't believe it! I went through the alphabet for him to bark at letters, and this is what he told us it was about: "Man wife murdered daughter kidnapped goes after them gets caught daughter escapes rescues him." It actually sounds pretty cool, and I wish I could read it. But I'll never get the chance. It took the best part of half an hour to get the synopsis. A painful half hour. There's no way we could do that for a whole book. So I'll never read it, and I bet he could have written more than one, but all that creativity is going to go to waste. It's all locked up in his head, with no way to get it out. I bet those G5 bastards never knew half of what they destroyed. I think they're as bad as the selfish, ignorant, money-grabbing people who destroyed Old Earth, and made all this necessary. **** 20th Fraton 57 I can't believe I'm saying this, but I've got a baby bump. Me! At least I don't have to suffer some guy standing proudly over me, all cock-a-whoop that he's knocked up his woman, and that bump's what big virile he did to little female me. Unfortunately, neither can Kate, but I think she was secretly looking forward to that. **** 31st Krotel 57 We're parents. Kate gave birth to a baby boy. I'm a fath Sorry It's a while since I've done that, but I'm a pregnant woman so I've an excuse. I'm a father. Kate and I are going to call our son Benjamin (Ben). That's all for now - too much to do! **** 3rd Cenelen 57 That's it. I've had a boy too - Thomas. We're both mothers. I'm a father and a mother. Don't worry BTW - I'm not writing this from bed a few minutes after giving birth (I'm not Superman). Sorry (I'm not Superwoman). Amazing - I didn't wet the paper there - I actually laughed. Maybe I'm turning a corner. I'm writing this on the 5th - I just backdated it. Mother and son are doing well, as they say (same for Kate and Ben). **** 1st Janus 58 Happy new year! Sorry it's been so long - we've both been so busy with babies I haven't had time to write anything, and I think that's the way it's going to be for a while. Ben and Thomas are both about 2 months old, and doing great. **** 18th Lastor 58 They were back again for the third time in quick succession. Today they inseminated Kate and told me I'm pregnant (they did me 15 days ago). This is their second attempt on Kate - the first was on the 31st of Janus - 18 days ago - that's how long there is between periods here on New Earth, with the longer days - 18. They gave us 3 months after childbirth to recover (that's about 5 months on old Earth, if you're new here and haven't got used to the NE calendar yet), and then we get another compulsory pregnancy. That's all that's legally required - 2 per woman, although obviously more children are allowed (for that read 'encouraged'). I can tell you my decision already! Kate might have more, but she'll, no we'll, decide later. I hope this one works, because it's using up my sperm, and once it's run out, that's it, because I ain't gonna be making any more. **** 26th Xerdes 58 A long-overdue update. Ben said his first proper word today, and Thom isn't far behind! **** 7th Jexeter 58 I had a girl today. We're calling her Lily. This time was much better (in fact it was wonderful). When I held my daughter in my arms I felt this rush of emotion like I've never felt before. It surprised me, but I think I understand a little better now. With Thomas I was still too raw, but the overwhelming love I felt for Lily the first time I met her eyes was amazing. I do feel a bit guilty about having a girl, because it feels like in giving her a girl's body I've done the same to her that those G5 bastards did to me. But I think she'll be all right, because even though I hate being a woman (apart from one or two rare moments like today), Kate doesn't mind being one, so I guess Lily won't. **** 21st Jexeter 58 And now we're a family of six. I held Kate's hand during the birth - she said she wanted me there (she was diplomatic enough not to SAY she wanted the father to be present at the birth, but I knew what she was thinking). I wanted the father to be present at the birth too, but she had to make do with me. I missed my male body just as much as I ever have, while she was bringing Francis into the world. She said she wanted to name him after me - the real me - and how could I refuse? I should have been a man watching his wife giving birth to our child, and being amazed at just how incredible women are ... but it was something I myself had done 14 days ago, and that did spoil it a bit. No, a lot. That's the end of the compulsory children. I'm not having any more, but Kate still hasn't decided. She says she can still have my children, so she might. I'm going to go along with whatever she wants. It's not as if there'll be anything for me to do if she decides to have another. **** 31st Krotel 58 Happy birthday Ben! Thom isn't far behind (5 days). Ben started childcare today, so that's only 4 of us in the house during the day. The system here is great - we should have done this on old Earth. There were all sorts of different nurseries and schools at different levels, instead of the single integrated education system we have. Starting at 1 year old (even though we call it childcare for the first year, then school at 2 years old, it's still one system, and it's great). It used to be a real battle for parents to get time to look after younger children, but again we've got it right here. Kate and I being able to go to work on alternate days is fantastic. It's just got a lot easier with Ben going to school, and once Thom starts, it'll seem like bliss! There's a reason we have such a carefully designed education system here, and we dedicate so many resources to it. It's the single most important thing we have - more important than health, law & order, anything. If we get it wrong there's a real danger that the next generation could degenerate into savages. That's the biggest threat to mankind in our new home. **** 3rd Cenelen 58 Happy birthday Thomas! Wow! The house is so quiet! (At least during the day when Ben and Thom are at school!) **** 7th Jexeter 59 Lily started childcare/school today. I don't know - it felt like there was something stuck in my throat as I watched her toddle off and start playing with the other children straight away. It's really weird, but maybe it's because we're the same sex that I feel so proud of the way she's flourishing so well at such an early age. I used to feel sorry for her, but I think she's going to grow up to be a strong, clever woman, and I've made the resolution I'm going to make that happen. Know something else? Maybe I don't feel quite as sorry for myself as I used to. **** 21st Jexeter 59 Francis started childcare today, and that's it. Kate and I are going back to work full time, as we don't need to have one of us in the house all the time to look after the children. Kate was a bit teary, same as me, when Franc ran over with Lily to play with her new friends, but I don't think she had the same epiphany. After all, A - Franc's a boy, and B - she's not the same sex as him. **** 31st Krotel 59 Sorry it's been so long since the last update. It's been a combination of being too busy, and not having much to say, not anything really exciting anyway. Ben is two today, and he's progressing into the proper school stage of the education system. He's really proud to be among the big children now! **** 3rd Cenelen 59 And happy birthday Thom! That's 2 of the children at the school stage, and all 4 are doing great. **** 1st Janus 60 Happy new year! Kate and I celebrated with a drink, and (believe it or not) a kiss! Not that kind of kiss, though - that kind of kiss is long gone. We're more like really, really good friends, or sisters, or something like that. But it's good that we can show affection for each other and openly say "I love you" to each other without being devastated about the feelings we used to get after something like that. It's the start of a new decade, and we've agreed it's time to move on and accept that we're starting a new life together. It's a life neither of us expected, and neither of us want, but we've decided we're going to make the most of what we have. We're alive, we're together, we live on a beautiful new world, and we have 4 beautiful children. That should be enough for anyone! Yes, there's one thing both of us would like, more than anything (apart from being alive, being together, living on a beautiful new world, and having 4 beautiful children) but it's something we're never going to have, so we're going to face up to things the way they are, live our lives the way they are, and be happy with things the way they are. New world, new year, new decade, new start. **** 30th Trab 60 Almost 7 months since my last update! There hasn't been much to write about TBH. Life has gone on day after day, with little new to tell. Everything of note I've already covered (in great detail!) and although I've had plenty of nice things to write about, my experience on New Earth (and Kate's) has been dominated by one big thing. I'm a woman. And the reason I got my diary and pen out today is because the next ship is arriving today. We're taking the children to see it (younger children are allowed a day off to go with their parents, if they want - older children are going with their classes). We're all going to watch it arrive. The children are so excited. That's us back home again. It wasn't as nice an experience as either Kate or I hoped. I'm still angry about my sex being changed against my will, and it still hurts, but I'd forgotten just how far I've come - how settled I am now, compared to how bad it was to begin with. Especially that first day. Seeing the latest batch of victims brought it all back to me. I remember screaming, swearing, and struggling exactly the way they did, pleading to be put back into the pods and changed back again. Since I got home, I've regressed a bit to touching my breasts to see if they're really there, and putting my hand somewhere else to see if it really isn't. But it isn't. They took the men off first, probably before waking any of the others. Even their wives I think. Then the shouting and screaming started. While all that was going on the big lift at the back began to lower itself into position and we decided it was time to take the children home. **** 31st Trab 60 The children were all at school, so Kate and I met at the arena to see the induction meeting. We were thinking that maybe we could help some of the new arrivals, a bit of support, encouragement, that sort of thing. We shouldn't have. It was the same shouting and arguing that we did when we were there, and after it was finished we went into the crowd to speak to people. Big mistake. We only tried speaking to one couple and she (the one who was obviously a man before) just shouted in my face. I said "Please believe me. You'll get through this." Then she let rip with a whole torrent of swearing. I think there were one or two non-swear words mixed in with what she said, but not many. I said "You will. It'll take time, but you'll get there. It was the same for me." She started swearing again, but this time she started saying I'm a queer and I probably like it and I'm probably one of those homos who wanted to be a woman all along. Kate pulled me away and told me to let it be. The woman told me to go away and do something (something impossible, actually). "Is she beyond help?" I asked Kate. She said "No, but she's not ready yet. Still too early in the grieving process. This was a mistake. Let's go." So we did. One thing though - remember the family I saw the day after we got here? 2 women and 3 girls that I was sure had been man, wife and 3 boys? The parents and the eldest girl were there too, but they didn't make our mistake in trying to comfort people. Maybe they saw what happened to me and that changed their minds. Anyway, they looked good. The two older women were holding hands most of the time, and looked quite lovey-dovey. Made me wonder if maybe Kate and I should have gone in that direction. But then I thought no, neither of us could stand that. That's not for us. But the girl! The last time I saw her (3 years ago) she looked like the world was coming to an end (I'm familiar with that feeling) but today she's a lovely young woman, confident, obviously contented, obviously happy to be who she is! She looks like she's about 18 now** and she's gorgeous! (and obviously knows it!) Says a lot for that stony-faced, determined woman I saw that day (today her face is bright and happy, and she's beautiful). She's obviously held the family together and worked wonders with everyone's self-esteem. I think she's wonderful. ** in old Earth years - sometimes I still need to think in the old calendar! But I think that girl had an advantage over me though (and her father) (I mean her 2nd mother). She was never a grown man, so she's never been in love with a woman, never had sex as a man. She doesn't know what she's missing, so she doesn't miss it. And she's grown up in a loving environment with parents who love each other. Just like our children - I hope our family is just as loving and healthy an environment as theirs (there's no sex in our house, but I hope there's every bit as much love). After we were all home, Kate suddenly got this urge to kiss me. Affectionately and really gently. It was lovely. That's as far as it ever goes though. Even so, the children all laughed at us and Lily went "Eeewh!" I chased her round the room and I don't know which one of us was giggling the most. Kate and I love each other. We love our children and they love us. Life is good. **** 3rd Jexeter 60 It's exactly 3 years since Kate and I arrived on New Earth and boy, has it been an eventful 3 years! (Maybe I should have said "and girl, has it been an eventful 3 years!") I'm a woman. I'm happy. I never thought I'd string those 2 sentences together, but they're both true. I've accepted who and what I am, and I've accepted that my relationship with the woman I love will never be anything more than platonic. Despite everything, we have a good life here. Kate and I have a loving family - four wonderful children, and we couldn't ask for much more. Well, no - there is one thing in particular we could ask for (like I've said many times before) and that brings me to my final point before I close the book on this memoir. I'll never forgive Galaxy 5 for what they did to me. They didn't just change my sex - they did much worse than that. They changed the way people see me. People look at me and they see a woman. They say my name and they say it like a woman's name. But I'll never stop being the man I was - Kate's man. There's one thing they can never take away from us - our past. The part of our lives where we fell in love and became inseparable. One last thing. If you're reading this, I'm sorry if it happened to you too. Unless you were born here, there's a 50/50 chance that you're going through the same as I did, and that you know exactly how I feel. Please believe me when I say that I'm so, so sorry, and that I'd have warned you if I could. No, another last thing. I've just added an intro onto the beginning (a bit jammed in, sorry about that) but it explains how I felt about what was done to me (and how I still feel TBH). I might have learned to accept this, I might have learned to be happy with what I have, but the fact is - yes, I'm happy, but I'm sure I'd be even happier as a man. So let me say it one more time: My name is Francis Milner. Francis, not Frances.