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My name is Kevin Randle.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend, Sarah. She’d be cheating on me with her personal trainer and had been doing so for six months. We’d only been together a year and she had been cheating on me for half of that time.
I was suspicious of her activities for most of those six months. Unbeknownst to me, all my suspicions had been right. The late night cell phone calls for Sarah, the girls’ nights out that she supposedly had with her friends, the change in attitude and behavior. It didn’t take a genius to figure out something was going on. I happened to go by her parents’ house one day when they were away when I couldn’t get a hold of Sarah on her phone. She had told me she was going to the gym but I saw her car outside her parents’ house along with a car I had recognized as her trainer’s. I knew what was going on inside and didn’t bother to push the matter any further.
I went back to our place and packed up as much of my belongings I could fit into my car. Then I decided to call my parents to see if I could come home for awhile to figure out what I was going to do over the next few months to get back on my feet. They were ecstatic. They were out of the country on an extended vacation and had left my younger sister, Katie, at home where she’d been for the last two months.
They actually gave a nineteen year old girl access to a joint checking account with them and gave her a monthly allowance to live off of. My parents were well off financially so that really wasn’t a big surprise, nor was it a surprise they trusted Katie so much. I knew her all my life and she was as trustworthy as a person could get. You could leave a truck full of money parked outside the house and if Katie were to find it, she’d call the police instead of pocketing the loot.
They wholeheartedly agreed to let me come back home and stay as long as I wanted. In the middle of packing my stuff away, Sarah happened to come back home, sans her walking penis, AKA her trainer. I guess he was all fucked out and decided to go home.
Sarah was, obviously, stunned by what she found. She ran up to me as I was tossing in a suitcase, my car already almost full, and hysterically asked for an explanation. Surprisingly, I was completely calm. I simply told her that I knew what was happening and that it was alright. I knew she didn’t need it by now, since her affair had been going on for many months, but I gave her my blessing.
By now she was in tears and begged me not to leave, but I could practically smell the sex on her, even if she’d probably showered thoroughly after her recent session, which couldn’t have been longer than a few hours ago. I couldn’t let that pass and had to stay adamant and strong. I kept packing the car, looking for the last bits of things I had yet to pack.
As I went back into the house, Sarah tailed me closely, still crying and desperately trying to keep me from leaving. Still calm as the wind, I just put my hand on her cheek and told her that we’d be alright and that I hope she’d be happy from then on. My heart sank when I said those words but I knew they had to be said. By now, I’m sure she was thinking back to every time she had been fucked by her trainer, every time she’d knowingly deceived me and kept her secrets, and how all those secrets were now coming to the surface and that she couldn’t hide from them.
Sarah hadn’t a clue where my parents’ house was, which was about 150 miles from our condo. I had already changed my cell phone number and given it only to my closest friends I’d made in town in the two years I’d lived there. I knew that once I left, she wouldn’t be able to contact me. She still begged and pleaded but I knew the ultimate truth: I’d found a pregnancy test that she’d cleverly buried deep in the trash. It was positive.
I knew that I wasn’t the result of that positive because we’d only had sex maybe twice in the last few months and I’d worn a condom both times and she’d had her period after the last time we had sex, so she had to have had sex with her trainer after her last period and didn’t bother to make the guy wear protection. Either that or she fucked someone else I don’t know about without protection. It wasn’t my problem, though, thankfully and was completely guilt-free.
I told her that I knew she was pregnant and that made her freeze up immediately. Her eyes became sharp and focused, her breathing stopped, her trembling and crying halted. She just stared at me, knowing she wouldn’t be able to talk her way out of it. I placed my hand on her face again and wished her luck with the father and hoped that the baby would be healthy.
Tears were streaming down her face as she looked down, sinking in shame. I still loved her but her crimes against me were unforgivable. I had to stay the course and sever ties between us.
My car fully packed and almost nothing left behind, anything of importance anyways. I turned away from Sarah for the last time and got into my car and drove away. As I drove away, I glanced at my rearview mirror and saw her standing in the driveway, face still aimed at the ground. I could tell already she was increasing in weight from the child that was growing inside her, the child that wasn’t mine.
I have to admit that I cried on the way home. The nearly three-hour drive was arduous emotionally. I spent the whole time thinking of the year I’d spent with Sarah. All of the good times and bad, all of the times we’d made love, and argued, then made up by making love. All the movies we watched together, all the meals we shared, the conversations. It was all over.
Then I realized that about half of the memories I’d had of us were during the time she had spent a good time of time on her back, another man pleasuring her and eventually filling her womb with his child. All the memories I’d ever shared with Sarah were tainted and no longer contained any sentiment. It would take time, but I knew that emotionally, I could be free of her.
On the way home, I also thought of mom and dad, and of Katie and how they were going to be as big a part of my life as they were before I left home for college. My parents, who were retired, had done well in the stock market and, because of this, traveled. They traveled a lot. It was pretty pointless that they even owned a house. The vacation rentals they stayed at when they were away were more permanent than the house that just seemed to serve as their ‘rest home’ or ‘temporary transition zone’ before jetting off to a new adventure.
Coming back home at twenty-two could be something to be ashamed of, but I didn’t feel ashamed. Everyone faces situations beyond their control and sometimes need help and I was no different. Thankfully, my parents were painfully and eternally generous people and would always be willing to open their doors again, even if they had to open them from many thousands of miles away, to their son.
I’d felt a bit guilty at asking for help, but then I realized how well off my parents were and how little use they were getting out of the house and how much their state of financial security allowed them to encourage me to come home again. This helped the folks two-fold. Firstly, it made them feel better that their son was safe and sound, and secondly it made it convenient that someone, namely me, could now be around more to keep an eye on my sister, Katie.
It was weird because Katie and I were brother and sister, had the same parents, were both half Asian/half Caucasian, but we didn’t really look alike. If you had to pick us out of a crowd, you’d never think we were related. My hair was naturally light brown, my skin a bit naturally tanned, and I kind of looked like a mix of mom and dad, facial feature-wise, whereas Katie had lighter skin, much darker hair and didn’t really look like mom or dad.
She looked considerably more Asian than I did. Her eyes were darker, whereas mine were like my hair, light brown, even though we were of the same ethnic makeup. She could probably pass as full-blooded to someone who didn’t know her. To sum her up physically, if actress Rachel Leigh Cook gained about ten pounds and was Asian, she’d be Katie. She was super cute.
We were always pretty close growing up. Strangely, we never were really at odds for any extended period of time. It was actually kind of boring because we never fought. We were always congenial and comfortable around each other. She never really got on my nerves and I can only assume I never got on hers. She was always in a cheerful, yet reserved mood around me. Pleasant, upbeat, yet not overly enthusiastic, possibly even shy. It always seemed like when she was force a smile, she actually wanted to smile, but was shy to let on that she wanted to smile. It was sometimes strange to behold, albeit cute and adorable.
Katie was a bit of a homebody. She had friends and talked on the phone occasionally but she was so far from the atypical teenaged girl. You’d never catch her rolling around on her bed, chewing loudly on gum while yakking nonsensically on the phone about unimportant bullshit with some equally typical teenaged girl about what boys they thought were cute.
She was usually pretty quiet and kept to herself but when she did speak up, she was always soft-spoken, kind and sincere and as if she was generally interested in everything you had to say. It was quite refreshing to talk to someone who made you feel like you existed. I think that’s why I always got along with Katie. She was hard not to get along with.
Strangely, even though she was quite cute, she never seemed to bring a lot of attention out of other men. Just on looks alone, she could definitely be the kind of girl that got guys looking but she never seemed interested in that kind of attention. She was a bit shorter than me, around 5’2” and was a bit shapely, she had a few extra pounds of baby fat on her, but that sort of added to her personality of not being overtly provocative. She was like a shadow, blending in with her background, never drawing attention to herself.
In public she was always quiet, reserved and never dressed provocatively. She was a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl and it was equally nice to know that on top of being genuinely sweet, she wasn’t a whore, like millions of other girls her age. I had respect for her and cared for her not just as her brother, but as a human being.
Secretly though, I always had this strange thought that would float into my mind that I would question later, then feel guilty about the honestly inquisitive nature of the question, which was thinking of how ‘hot’ she could look if she wore some short shorts and a small top, along with some makeup. Then the voice in my head would do a double take, be aghast at the thought, slap itself, slap me, and pull my mind out of the strange haze that was the state of mind where I would pontificate about such things.
I don’t think it was a thought of sexual curiosity; it was more about me being puzzled how a girl that was really a diamond in the rough hadn’t caught the attention of bunches of guys who would fight for her affections. She was really almost too good to be true, and then I realized how glad I was to be her brother and to have her in my life.
When I pulled up to the house, it looked the same way it did the last time I visited. I went up and rung the doorbell, Katie opened the door. I was greeted by that cute smile and a big, firm hug. She looked like she’d just got out of bed, wearing pajama pants and a tanktop, but was still unbearably cute. She helped me unload my car and after several hours of unpacking, I settled in.
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After a few days, the pain of my separation from Sarah had really settled in. I was pretty much drowning in depression. I didn’t want to feel that way but I couldn’t help it. Even through all of the things she’d made me endure, the loss of our relationship was painful. I found myself moping around the house constantly. I ate little, slept less and spent most of my time lying in bed. I think Katie noticed it because I was less social than usual. I don’t know if she expected me to be all smiles and bouncing-off-the-walls-playful with her when I came back but I was hardly cheerful. I tried to be, but it was hard. I couldn’t mask the pain as much as I wanted to, so I figured if I couldn’t mask the pain fully, I wouldn’t bother trying at all.
Shy as she was, Katie couldn’t bear to confront me about it. She would walk past my door sometimes and peek in at me, but timidly keep walking without uttering a word. Or she’d be in the kitchen getting something to eat and I’d be at the kitchen table nibbling on a sandwich, my mind focused on thoughts of Sarah and she’d walk by and sneak a peek at my face, but she could tell my body was present but my mind was elsewhere.
I glanced up at her just quickly enough to gauge that she was concerned, but didn’t make any effort to make it clear that I was emotionally distraught. I’d simply glance up, not flashing a fake smile or any discernible emotion and would return to pecking at my meal. She usually seemed disappointed in my lack of initiative and would turn her eyes to the ground as she made her way past me and into her room.
Finally, one morning, I was sitting at the breakfast table eating cereal when Katie shuffled over in her slightly-too-long PJs and sat down across from me with a bowl of cereal of her own. I smiled politely at her in an artificially genuine way and she smiled back, hers was one of concern and warmth.
“So, did you sleep well?” she asked softly.
I felt like my body was creaking, my joints tight and tense from my growingly depressed state that I was afraid to move, afraid that Katie would hear my muscles wrench and would be alerted to my shoddy physical condition. I shrugged my shoulders slightly and tried my hardest to answer without my voice cracking. “I slept ok. You?”
“I slept good.” She answered awkwardly, tucking a tuft of hair behind her ear while slouching over her bowl of cereal.
Several minutes slowly rolled by when Katie abruptly spoke again, breaching the dead silence. “So, what’s been up your butt since you came home?”
I looked up at her, knowing my cover had been blown. It was no use to try and dance around the issue or play it out as if she’d never make the initiative to coax the truth out of me, because she had. “What do you mean?”
She still came off as harmless, never making a sudden movement as she prodded me, still hovering over her bowl of cereal, her eyes alternating from the table, to mine. Even though I should’ve felt nervous, I didn’t. She was too innocent to make my privacy feel threatened.
“You know what I mean.” She said.
“I don’t, really.”
She seemed to struggle with pushing forward in her attempt to draw the truth from me. She wasn’t used to being assertive and it showed. She made a face like she was trying to figure out some deeply complex mathematical equation. “Well, you’ve been pretty much moping around the house ever since you got here. You haven’t gone out or even talked to me much. I’m just worried for you, that’s all.”
I thought it was such a sweet gesture. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t trust her enough with my feelings to tell her before. I looked down, searching for a way to ease her an answer. “I don’t know, just been thinking about a lot, that’s all. Just had a lot on my mind.”
She seemed only partially content by my vagueness. She wasn’t completely satisfied but didn’t seem to want to push the issue either. She didn’t want to tread on ground I wasn’t comfortable with. I saw the lack of total contentment on her face and knew I couldn’t leave it at that. I hoped she’d find the courage to feed her curiosity.
“I know I’m not a relationship expert, but if something’s wrong, you can talk to me about it. I am your sister.” She said.
“I didn’t want to come here and bother you with all my problems.”
“Hey…” she said. “…I just don’t want you to keep everything inside. You can talk to me.”
It felt nice to know that someone cared about me. Actually cared about how I felt. “Just had some problems with Sarah…”
“Oh…” she said softly, fearing she’d forced me to confront something I wasn’t strong enough for.
I drummed up the courage to tell her. “Umm, we kind of broke up. Well, I broke up with her…”
Katie looked at me with eyes so calming that I felt at home where nothing could hurt me, regardless of how painful the memories were. “…I found out she’d been cheating on me. She got pregnant too. She didn’t know I knew. So I left.”
She looked almost as anguished as I was. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. Time heals all wounds, right?”
She smiled and I realized how fortunate I was to have her in my life.
I spent the next few days dragging through the house, sluggish and anemic. I’d go from the kitchen to the bedroom, spending most of my day lying nearly comatose in bed, watching lackadaisical as infomercial after infomercial plugged along. I never cracked a smile or showed any evidence of consciousness, save for my open eyes.
I noticed Katie walking by my door every few hours and peeking in, but she never made the initiative to enter. Part of me felt guilty that I wasn’t more hospitable and brotherly, but the rest of me was too emotionally and physically sapped to put forth the effort to apologize or invite her in.
I was usually glad when I’d notice her shadow stop momentarily at my door and then move away because I didn’t have to face up to the questions she’d undoubtedly ask. Questions about Sarah, about what I was going to do next, about when I was going to snap out of my stupor. I just didn’t feel like doing anything but soaking in my misery. I wasn’t in the mood for any human interaction.
It was a cool Wednesday night and I was settled in my usual place: lying lazily on my bed, wrapped in blankets and staring listlessly at the television. Peripherally, I noticed Katie once more orbit past my door, checking in on me, no doubt, but this time, instead of leaving after a few moments, she wandered in.
I laid there, giving no reaction to her having entered. Without moving my head, I scanned my eyes over at her and found her standing there, inconspicuously watching my TV. After about a minute, though, she walked past the TV to the side of the bed my head was and sat Indian-style on the floor. She looked up at me and noticed my eyes were open. She seemed surprised.
“Oh, I didn’t know you were awake. I thought I’d come in here and check in on you. I hope I didn’t wake you up.” She said.
“No, you didn’t. I’ve been awake for awhile.”
“Every time I’ve walked by your room, you’ve been in the same position. You’ve been laying like that since you woke up?” she chuckled.
“Yeah.” I said lazily, no emotion on my face, eyes still trained on the TV.
Katie seemed to think for a few seconds, thoughts stirring in her head. “Do you want me to leave?”
“It’s ok, you can stay.” My voice sounded like I was ill, but I wasn’t physically ill, but my emotional fatigue had shown and Katie realized it.
“Is… is it ok if I sit here?” she asked hesitantly.
For the first time in hours, I lifted my head and, feeling the muscles stretch and creak inside my body, I looked over my shoulder seeing the other side of the bed vacant, so I slid over to the vacant end. “You can sit on the bed if you want, since I don’t have any chairs in here.”
Her eyes seemed to light up as she slowly stood and carefully sat on the bed. “Ok, thanks. I’ll try not to crowd you.”
“I don’t see how you could. You couldn’t weight more than, what, 100?” I asked, my voice still stuffy and muffled, my eyes blank and humorless.
She smiled nervously as she sat there, almost blushing, her legs pulled up to her chest. “Hmm, actually, I think I weight closer to 112 or 115.”
For the first time, I actually forgot about Sarah. My eyebrows rose. I didn’t think she weighed that much, which really wasn’t much at all. “Really?”
“Yeah, why?” she asked, tucking strands of hair behind her ear.
“I don’t know. You look like you weigh less than that.”
“Ohh, ok.” She said with a perky smile, seemingly flattered.
After about fifteen minutes of silence, she spoke up. “Have you been feeling ok?”
It took me a few seconds to respond. “I’ve been ok, I guess.”
“You just haven’t seemed yourself lately. I know everything that happened with… what’s her name, but I’ve just been worried is all.”
“Thanks. I think I’ll be ok.”
“Is it ok if I visit you from time to time? Or do you want to be left alone?”
“Umm, no, you can stay if you want.” I said.
Over the next week, Katie became a constant tenant in my room. After the first few days, she didn’t bother to ask if she could come in and stay with me, and I didn’t care that she didn’t ask. For the first time in awhile, I actually enjoyed the company. Katie didn’t pressure me with questions, or prodded me to open up with my emotions. She just kept me company, showed me that someone truly cared for me, and let me deal with my internal conflicts in my own way. She merely was there for me in case I wanted to open up. To me, she was like a safety net, there to catch me when I needed to be caught.
I felt completely comfortable having her around. She’d usually just sit next to me on the bed, her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs, smiling and laughing as we watched cartoons or funny movies. I even smiled once or twice. Ok, I lied; I actually started smiling a lot. I still wasn’t ready to leave the confines and safety of the blanket, but I was loosening up.
After a couple of weeks, I’d become so comfortable with having Katie around that the scars from Sarah’s betrayal had begun to heal. I’d even kicked off the blanket! Now, I’d usually lie casually on the bed, on my side. I was now smiling and laughing more than I ever had since I came home. Katie made the transition back into normalcy easier by being my constant companion, there for me when I needed an ear to listen to me, a voice other than my own to listen to, a presence just to keep me company.
It was strange being in the company of another girl and having Sarah almost out of my mind. If Katie wasn’t my sister, she’d make an ideal mate, for me, anyways. We were highly compatible and almost always got along really well. Only someone as sweet as her could have me feeling so good so soon based on what I’d gone through, and I don’t even think Katie realized the effect she had on me. I’d glance up at her sometimes as she watched TV in my room, watching her smile and laugh. She was caught up in being with me like when we were younger and practically connected at the hip. She was completely oblivious to how she was affecting me. I appreciated that she was just there and didn’t ask for anything in return, even my acknowledgment that she was there. She was just happy to be with me and that made me happy to have her.
One night, an incident happened that changed my relationship with Katie forever. At the time, I was excited beyond measure, and then I felt regret, but now I realize how special the moment was.
Predictably, as every day for the last several weeks, I was still finding solace vegging out in my room. Katie was lying on her back next to me. We were watching some cartoons. The mood was light and cozy. The evening weather was neither warm nor cold, it was perfect. Outside, the air was still, save for the rare slight ocean breeze.
I noticed Katie was in a heightened, sunnier disposition than usual. She seemed almost blissful. Her smiles were deeper and richer, the look in her eyes was friendlier, there was just something I couldn’t put my finger on, but she was in a very good mood.
After the cartoon was over, she turned towards me, her smile turning more serious, no doubt in respect for my emotional condition. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I replied.
“You seem better.”
“I feel better.” I said. “Thanks to you.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“You’ve really made it easy to get my mind off of her, off of what happened.”
Katie scooted towards me a few inches and placed a gentle hand on mine. “You know, you don’t deserve what happened. She doesn’t deserve you. You deserve better. I mean, you’re such a great guy. You deserve a girl who will love you the way you should be loved. I know I’m not Sarah, but I know I can take care of you better than she can. Well, not in every way, but almost every way.”
I smiled. “What do you mean, ‘almost every way’?
She blushed. “You know what way I mean.”
I realized what she was talking about. “Ohh, that. Well, I wouldn’t know. I couldn’t compare you two. I’ve only been with her.”
Katie got this deflated look on her face. “I know.”
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