Jehovah witnesses LOL
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Charlie Miller was jarred awake by a ringing telephone. Picking it up on the third ring, he looked bleary-eyed at the digital alarm next to his bed. ”Lo?’ he answered, his voice still thick with sleep.
‘Yo, Charlie, it’s Max,’ Charlie winced at Max’s always too loud voice.
‘Hey, Max,’ he replied, trying to keep the irritation out of his voice ‘What’s up?’ Max Cooper was his foreman, and, in all the 14 years that Charlie had worked at the shop, Max had only called him once.
‘I just called to tell ya not to bother to come in to work today. There was a fire last night, and a good part of the place is fried.’
‘Shit! What happened?’ Charlie wouldn’t ever be overheard saying he loved his job, but he was paid well, and he did work with some pretty cool guys.
‘The fire martial ain’t sure. Everyone says it was electrical, though.’
‘So what the fuck am I supposed to do now?’ At that point, he was fully awake and sitting up in bed.
‘Charlie, it’s July. You got vacation time coming,’ Max replied. ‘So take a vacation! At least you’ll be getting paid before you have to start drawing unemployment. They don’t know what they’re gonna do yet, anyway. It might cost too much for them to fix the dump up, so the head pricks might move us to a new building, or something,’ he speculated. ‘Anyway, I gotta call a few other guys, so, have fun on your vacation!’
Before he could reply, Max hung up. Charlie hung up the phone and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Maybe this was a good thing, he thought as he walked to the bathroom. A new building, and maybe even some much needed new machinery to make life that much easier. ‘Now what?’ he asked himself as he sat back on the bed. ‘Go back to sleep, that’s what,’ he smiled to himself.
He woke up five hours later, feeling more relaxed than he had ever felt before. Just to make sure it wasn’t a dream, he called the shop, and, instead of the secretary answering with her nasally voice, he was greeted to three very loud tones, and a message saying that the phone was out of service.
Getting out of bed for good, this time, he walked out to the kitchen of his small, three room apartment, and turned on the stove. While he waited for the water to boil for his coffee, he turned on the television and flipped through the channels. He stopped, as soon as he saw some large breasted blonde taking off her shirt on the Springer show. ‘They’re only tits,’ he mumbled at the screen. ‘Why they always gotta blur them out?’
He watched until the kettle screamed, and then turned off the set. ‘Might as well give Jimmy a call,’ he muttered. Jimmy was his slightly younger brother who lived in Florida, and he was always asking him to come down there to visit, although he was pretty sure Jimmy’s bitch wife Vicki didn’t second that request.
Ever since he walked in on her that time when she was getting out of the shower, she had always thought it had been on purpose. It didn’t matter that he was still half asleep, or the fact that she didn’t bother to lock the door. Nope, Charlie had done it on purpose. Thankfully, Jimmy believed him, although he never received that luxury from Vicki.
Charlie punched in the numbers for Jimmy, and took a sip of his coffee while he waited for someone to pick up. As luck would have it, it was Vicki. ‘Hey, Vic,’ he smirked into the phone. As soon as he heard her voice, he instantly brought up a visual of Vicki’s naked body fully displayed for that brief nanosecond. Her small B cups, pink nipples and her hairless slit were right there in the living color of his imagination.
‘Jimmy’s not here,’ replied sourly.
‘Hello to you too,’ he replied, trying to sound cheerful, when he was, in fact sticking his middle finger up at the phone. It had been six years already. How long could she hold a grudge? ‘Any idea when he’ll be back?’
‘No, he’s…oh, wait, here he is now. It’s peeping Charlie,’ he heard her mumble as she handed the phone to Jimmy.
‘Hey, Charlie!’ Jimmy said, sounding genuinely happy.
‘Hey, Jimmy, how’s it goin?’
‘Great, great! How are things with you?’ Before Charlie could answer, Jimmy started talking again. ‘Hey, aren’t you supposed to be at work?’ In the background, he could hear Vicki say something about him probably getting fired.
‘It’s so refreshing how that woman loves me, ya know, bro?’ he said sarcastically. ‘Yeah, I should be at work, but I got a phone call this morning telling me the shop all but burned down last night.’
‘Oh man, that sucks,’ Jimmy replied, and in the back ground Charlie heard Vickie say ‘Told you so!’ Jimmy then made an attempt to cover the mouthpiece as he told her Charlie’s shop burned down. ‘So, what are your plans, now?’
‘Well, I was told I’m officially on vacation, and once that’s up, I collect unemployment until they either fix up the old shop, or get us a new one. Any way you could talk your darling wife into letting me come down there for a visit?’
‘Actually, this is perfect timing,’ Jimmy told him. ‘We need a house sitter, someone we can trust for a couple of weeks, and your situation would be perfect!’
In the background, Charlie heard Vicki squeak, ‘Trust who?’
‘I can do that,’ he nodded as if Jimmy could see him. ‘Although I was hoping to get to spend time with you, you know, maybe do a little fishing or something.’
‘If you’re still not back working after we get back, we could catch up!’ Jimmy replied enthusiastically. ‘So you’ll come?’
‘When do you need me to be there?’
‘I’ll tell you what,’ Jimmy replied, and Charlie could tell he was grinning. ‘I’ll go on line and see the earliest flight I can get you, and then I’ll call you back. All you have to do is go to the airport and get on the plane, ok?’
‘Sounds good to me!’ Charlie grinned. ‘I’ll go start packing.’
***********************
‘She’s not happy, is she?’ Charlie asked Jimmy as they drove.
‘No, not really. I’m sorry, Charlie,’ Jimmy apologized. ‘Hell, the only reason I got her to agree to it, is the fact that we wouldn’t be here.’
‘It’s been six years, Jim! C’mon! What do I have to do?’
‘Shit, damned if I know,’ his younger brother shrugged. ‘She still brings up that time she found women’s underwear under our bed, and she’s still pissed about it, even though it wasn’t my fault. The person we had hired to watch the place for us took to ‘entertaining’ some spring break girls that were around.’ He then pointed at Charlie. ‘You look great, by the way,’ he told him.
‘Thanks. I’ve lost twenty-five pounds since I quite drinking. I thought it would get me Brenda back, but,’ he shrugged and looked out the window. ‘She said too little, too late.’ He shrugged again. ‘I’m way better off without her, anyway. I got me a small apartment, I make some pretty good money, I’m doin ok for myself.’
‘That’s great! You look a lot healthier, too.’
‘So, where are you off to, that you need a house sitter for two weeks?’
‘The real estate firm that Vicki works for gave her a free trip to Barbados for winning the sales rep of the year award,’ Jimmy grinned.
‘Cool,’ Charlie nodded. ‘And how’s your golf cart business?’
‘Charlie, this is Florida,’ Jimmy grinned. ‘How good do you think it is?’ He then gave a small shrug. ‘You know, if things don’t work out for you up north, you could always come to work for me down here,’ he told him seriously.
‘Oh, I’m sure Vicki would just adore you for that bright idea!’ Charlie laughed.
‘She has no say in it,’ he replied defensively.
‘Yeah? Then I dare you, no I Triple Dog DARE you to say it in front of her,’ Charlie laughed, calling his bluff. ‘In fact,’ he continued as Jimmy sputtered for a reply. ‘I dare you to take it one step further, and TELL her that you asked me to come live down here and work for you, and that I agreed!’ he chuckled.
‘You
know what?’ Jimmy replied, gripping the steering wheel tighter. ‘It’s high time I wore the pants in this family. I love her so much, that I’ve let her pretty much take over everything! But no more! Fuck this shit! I’m going to tell her, as soon as we walk in!’
Charlie had never heard Jimmy swear like that, and couldn’t ever remember him being so determined about anything that went against Vicki’s wishes. ‘How’s your sex life, little bro?’ Charlie chuckled.
‘Average, why?’ Jimmy asked a little nervously.
‘Because, you’re going away with her for two weeks, and if you had any plans of getting laid more often than you probably do, you can probably kiss them goodbye,’ Charlie told him. ‘Forget it, I was just bustin’ your balls. Don’t say anything to her.’
‘No, Charlie, you’re absolutely right! I can see it all clearly now. You’re my brother, damn it, and I honestly believe it was an accident!’ He then started laughing. ‘Shit, I still remember that look on your face,’ he cackled. ‘You looked like you didn’t know if you wanted to shit or go blind. THAT, right there, told me it was an accident.’
As Jimmy opened the trunk and helped Charlie with his luggage, he took a deep breath. ‘Well, here goes nothing,’ he muttered.
‘Jimmy, don’t, man. I was kidding!’ It was no use, however. Jimmy was already walking towards the house like a man on a mission.
He waited until Charlie came up behind him before he said anything. As soon as Charlie was in the house, Jimmy set his jaw and looked like he was going to start. Charlie, however, decided to cut him off, at least for the time being. ‘Hi, Vicki. It’s good to see you again. You look great.’ As soon as he said that last line, he knew he had fucked up.
‘Oh, I just BET I look great to you!’ she fumed at him. She opened her mouth to say more, when Jimmy cut her off.
‘Enough, Vicki,’ he told her, his voice calm.
‘What did you just say?’ she growled, suddenly rounding on Jimmy. ‘Don’t you EVER…’
‘Shut the fuck UP!’ he retorted, suddenly taking two steps to stand directly in front of her. The look on her face was one of shock and disbelief. ‘It’s been six fucking years, Vicki! For Christ’s sake, give Charlie a break, will you? I’ve had enough of your shit, especially about this!’
Vicki then rounded on Charlie. ‘I don’t know what it is you said to him..’ she yelled, and then suddenly, Jimmy was standing between them, an inch from her face.
‘Don’t ever walk away from me while I’m talking to you!’ he told her through gritted teeth. Charlie saw her pale visibly, her bottom lip starting to quiver. ‘Vicki, I love you, you know I love you! I love Charlie, too! He’s my brother, and there isn’t one damn thing you can do about it! In fact, I’ll have you know that I asked him to move down here and work for me, and he’s considering it! Like I said, I love you, but if you have a problem with that, then I’m sorry. That’s the way it is.’
There was a silence you could have marched a Thanksgiving parade through, at that point. When Vicki looked at Charlie, her lips still trembling and her face still white, all he could do was shrug. ‘Jimmy… Jimmy, I… I never heard you talk that way before, to me or anyone else, for that matter.’
She bit her bottom lip and gave him a half smile. ‘It… shit, it actually got me wet!’ It was all Charlie could do to keep from laughing out loud, at that point, and he did an academy award winning job of keeping his composure.
She then turned to Charlie, not speaking until she was quite sure Jimmy was through. ‘Jimmy is right,’ she told him softly. ‘I’ve been a total bitch about this for no reason, and I apologize.’ She finished by extending her hand, which Charlie accepted with a slight bow.
‘Thank you, Vicki,’ he smiled at her. He then pat Jimmy on the shoulder. ‘I do believe your lovely wife has given you an invitation, bro,’ he grinned at him. ‘I know my way to the guest room. You go, uh, make up for awhile.’ Jimmy was grinning all the way to the bedroom, as Vicki grabbed him by the hand and pulled him along.
Charlie was beside himself with laughter at what he heard coming from his brother’s bedroom. He could only hear Vicki for the most part, however, it was the way she was sounding like a bad porno that had him nearly pissing himself.
‘Oh JIMMY!’ she was yelling, accompanied by the sound of the bed banging against the wall. ‘That’s it! Fuck me, baby!’ There were a lot of grunts, yells, growls and a few unintelligible things yelled from time to time, and Charlie’s sides hurt so much from laughing, it hurt him to stand. After almost twenty minutes of the audio show, the house suddenly became quiet.
It wasn’t until a few hours later that the smiling couple emerged, holding hands and walking closer than Siamese twins. ‘I’m going to start supper,’ she told Charlie quietly.
‘If you have some burgers, I’ll be glad to fire up the grill and cook for you,’ he told her.
‘Honestly?’ She was so flabbergasted at that point, she had to hurry and sit down.
‘I was going to just go ahead, but, this isn’t my house and I didn’t know what you had planned.’
‘Burgers on the grill, sounds great, bro!’ Jimmy smiled. ‘I’ll get you the burgers, and then my lovely wife and I are going to take a shower.’
‘Together?’ she asked, still in awe of everything.
‘Like that time in Cancun, if you want,’ he leered at her, raising and lowering his eyebrows comically.
‘Are you sure you have the strength for that, Tiger?’ she asked him, already getting up.
As soon as she was out of the room, Jimmy ran over and hugged Charlie fiercely. ‘I love you, man!’ he said quietly. ‘That was the best sex I’ve ever had!’
‘I know, I heard,’ Charlie chuckled as he hugged him back.
‘We had a long talk afterwards, and Charlie? She is so turned on by the new me! And you know? I even told her to quiet down, that you would hear us, and you know what she said?’ As he spoke, he kept glancing in the direction of the hallway.
‘What?’
‘Fuck it, I don’t care! We owe him, big time!’ he told him. ‘She said it! Just like that!’ He then quickly pulled the burgers out of the freezer and threw them on the counter. ‘You know where the rest of the shit is,’ he told him, his boxers already starting to tent. ‘I gotta go!’
****************************
‘Damn, Charlie,’ Vicki smiled at him as she chewed. ‘These are great!’
‘Yeah, Charlie, thanks,’ Jimmy added.
‘Not a problem,’ he smiled back at them. He was a little surprised that Vicki had decided to wear possibly the skimpiest shorts he had ever seen, along with a white tube top that showed her rock hard nipples off quite nicely. Again, Charlie did his best to keep his eyes focused anywhere but in Vicki’s direction.
‘I’ve been thinking,’ Vicki said as she helped pick up their plates. ‘If you do decide to live down here, I can probably get you a pretty good deal on some property. It’s something to think about while we’re gone, anyway,’ she added.
‘She’s not wearing panties,’ Charlie thought. Mentally, he was patting himself on the back. Out loud, however, he smiled and said, ‘That’s awesome of you, Vicki! Thank you!’
‘You won’t mind giving us a ride to the airport tomorrow, will you?’ Jimmy asked him a little while later.
‘Not at all. I’ll pick you up, too, of you want,’ he told him. ‘It’s the least I can do. What time are we leaving?’
‘We have to be at there at ten,’ Vicki told him. ‘So we should leave here about eight, just to give leeway to traffic.’
‘I’m used to getting up at five every day, so it won’t be a problem for me.’
‘Thank you,’ she smiled. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go finish packing.’ She then pointed at Jimmy. ‘Don’t keep me waiting too long, baby,’ she grinned at him.
‘I feel like a new man!’ Jimmy grinned, holding his hands up high and quietly stamping his fe
et. He then looked past him towards the hallway. ‘She’s even wilder than before we got married! And, she promised me bigger and better things in Barbados!’
‘I’m really happy for you, man,’ Charlie grinned as he clapped Jimmy on the shoulder.
‘I do have to ask, though,’ he replied, looking towards the hallway once again. ‘I think my cunnilingus technique leaves a lot to be desired. She doesn’t seem to get off too often when I do it.’
‘Cunnilingus? What the fuck is that, Jimmy?’
‘It means to eat pussy,’ Jimmy whispered.
‘I know that, shit head,’ Charlie chuckled, swatting him playfully on the head. ‘You sound like a fuckin’ moron! You know it means eating pussy, so SAY it means eating pussy! Cunnilingus… Christ! What grade are you in?’
‘I’m still learning,’ he smiled sheepishly.
‘You got a pen and paper?’ Charlie asked, looking towards the hallway as well.
‘In the kitchen,’ Jimmy whispered, and then got up quickly.
‘Here’s what you do,’ Charlie started, as he drew a rough sketch of a pussy. ‘Clit,’ he tapped the pen. ‘Lips, and opening,’ he tapped again, quickly looking towards the hallway. ‘What’s your technique?’ Using his finger to simulate a tongue, Jimmy dragged it along the drawing. ‘What color paint are you using on that fence?’ Charlie chuckled.
‘Fence? What?,,,’
‘This is what you do. There are two things that will drive a woman insane,’ he told him. ‘Always use this one, first, unless you’re trying to finish her off real quick.’ After another quick check of the hallway, he leaned in closer to the paper, and dragged his finger around it to show him.
‘Start off down here, on her asshole. Lick lightly, I mean really lightly from there, up until you get to her opening. Once you get there, don’t touch it, go around it.’ He then added more detail to show him what he was talking about. ‘Lick everywhere but her pussy, first. Make her squirm, make her beg for it.
‘Then, once you have her panting and squirming, gently dip the tip of your tongue into her opening. Wiggle it, just a little, and then slide it up, parting her lips like the Red Sea, and then circle around her clit. But only once, to start. Repeat all that, only increase the number of times you circle her clit each time.’
‘Then what happens?’ Jimmy grinned.
‘I would start doing your taxes, or polishing your golf clubs,’ he told him sarcastically.
‘Ha, ha,’ Jimmy grumbled, and then broke into a smile. ‘Long form or EZ?’
‘Don’t make me kill you,’ Charlie grinned. ‘At that point,’ he continued, ‘she should have her fingers in your hair, trying to get you to shove your tongue in her.’
‘Do I?’ he asked eagerly.
‘If you want, that’s up to you, at that point,’ he told him. ‘In fact, if she hasn’t come by then, which if she hasn’t I’d be surprised, give her a big one. Slip it in there and fuck her with it like a cock. And if you can breathe right, bump her clit with your nose while you do it.’
‘What’s the other thing that drives them crazy?’ he asked eagerly.
‘This is a dangerous secret weapon, Jimmy. What I’m about to tell you very few men know or at least don’t use it as often as they should.’ Jimmy turned quickly and looked towards the hallway, before looking intently at the drawing. He watched with silent awe as Charlie dragged his finger around the picture.
‘A, B, C, D,’ he said, slowly drawing the letters on drawing of the clit. ‘I prefer to use cursive, myself,’ he told him, ‘but you can use any style you want, as long as it’s slow and deliberate.’ He then grinned wickedly. ‘I used to write ‘I love you Brenda’ on her clit, and she’d damn near drowned me while trying to make me bald at the same time.’ As he spoke, Jimmy was practicing with his tongue.
‘I think I got it, now,’ Jimmy said as he wiped his lips. ‘Anything else, Sensei?’ Jimmy bowed.
‘Yes, Asshopper, as a matter of fact, I have a few more things,’ he told him. ‘Now, forgive me for getting personal here, but, how big is her clit?’ Jimmy stood at that point, and put his hands on his hips, before he could say anything, Charlie held up his hands. ‘There’s a reason for it, trust me,’ he told him defensively.
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