Where Friendship LeadsChapter 2
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ASMTD Ch. 06 free porn video
June 14
Leo and I have something in our genetic makeup that attracts us to bars. Bars and hotel rooms. I’ve got four more days in Dublin and so far I think I’ve seen every bar in the city and could draw a photograph-worthy picture of Leo’s hotel room. That is why we decided to hit the Guinness Factory today, something different and fun. Too bad Dublin’s weather is predictable while my clothing options continue to remain unacceptable. It’s been raining for the last week, the kind of rain that makes rain jackets useless and umbrellas a joke.
‘Are you okay?’ Leo asks as he shakes out his coat and hangs it on the hook beside the pub booth. ‘You look like death.’
‘Pretty sure I only feel slightly better than I look.’ Slouching in a pub booth, I’m beyond tired, soaked to the bone, and the thought of stepping even a foot outside to take a cab back to Leo’s hotel makes me want to cry. My jeans are plastered against my thighs, t-shirt a second skin. Numbness spreads to my fingertips, calluses on my toes, and curves up and around my bare neck.
‘Can you order me something hot?’ I ask as I drip a puddle on the table and suppress the urge to wring out my hair in a glass just to see how much water its retaining.
‘Tea?’
‘Have I ever drunk tea in front of you?’
His lips lift in a smirk. ‘Hot Toddy. Two lemons.’
‘Mind reader.’
He turns and leaves. I groan low. It’s been two days since I started sleeping in Leo’s bed, and I doubt the pattern is going to change anytime soon. My only concern—and really, it’s nothing major—is that I still have no fucking clue what I’m doing. Less than no fucking clue. We call, we text, we have sex, and when we’re not having sex, he works and I write or we watch TV or drink. It’s a weird, comfortable pattern that I would be fine with if it had a label.
Dating, Booty Call, Boyfriend and Girlfriend just don’t fit what we’re doing. Because, again, I have no clue what the fuck we’re doing. I run between ‘I’m young. Live and be free. #nolabels’ and ‘What if he’s the one? What if I get pregnant? What if I change my last name to Pananan? Raiqah Pananan.’ My emotions are even worse, swaying from extremes: insanely, stupidly happy to rocking in a corner terrified.
Leo puts up with my crazy only because the sex is so good. We always come, or he’s just good at faking it. Of course, the steady stream of dick means epsom salt baths and freezer cold panties. My mind can keep up with his sex drive, my body cannot. My clothes are a little looser and my body’s becoming very limber.
But there’s more.
This feeling that we’ve only scratched the surface of whatever we are. Our sex is as physical as it is mental. He speaks to me in code, actual code, and I recite Arabic poetry my father forced me to memorize as I run my hands over his body.
Amazing.
There are bad times too, though. Life can’t be all mind blowing orgasms and sexy conversation. We’ve fought twice now. An argument about my penpal, Ji-hoon, because he scrolled through the messages and found the sexts. An issue of privacy and fidelity early this morning that felt more suited to a two month relationship than two week. Or the other, about how he leaves the toilet seat up all the time after I nearly fell into it in the middle of the night. Stupid, silly arguments that Em and Kate tell me are milestones in a relationship.
Leo’s ex-wife and daughter don’t even factor into what we have, just like my leaving and going back to school in Michigan doesn’t. We have formed a bubble that covers Dublin and nothing outside it. It makes it a little easier for me to retire into fantasy, where Leo is my age mate and the only thing we really need to worry about are the condoms running out and the drug stores being closed.
The horror.
‘Here we are,’ Leo says as he slides a steaming cup of tea with a strong aroma of whisky across to me. ‘Please cross your arms, Rai. I can see your nipples through your top.’
I choke on the first sip and slam my arms across my chest. ‘Couldn’t have said something sooner?’
‘I didn’t notice until now.’ He slides into the booth with me, careful of the pint in his hand. Thighs brushing together, his arm moves past my shoulders as his fingers find a tight curl near my ear and twist around it, tug, release.
Rain pelts the colored glass panes as the front door swings open, bangs shut, swings open, bangs shut, again and again. ‘Are you doing anything with your friends later today?’
‘Em and Kate want to do karaoke tonight. Pretty sure Zora is SexTiming Nick.’
‘What time are we meeting them for karaoke?’
‘Did I say you were invited?’ I raise a brow and take another sip.
‘Almost two weeks and we’re still playing this?’ He leans closer and licks my neck. ‘I thought we established that I go wherever you go.’
‘You need friends, Leo.’
‘I have you.’
For how long? bites at my tongue, but I swallow it. Don’t talk about the future.
My phone dings, and I don’t have to look to know who it is. Leo’s acquainted with the text tone too, and I feel him coil tight beside me. I still don’t get why he doesn’t like Ji-hoon. It’s not like I’ve ever fucked him—physically I mean.
‘Don’t answer it, kultaseni.’
‘Hadn’t planned to,’ I say, taking a longer sip of my drink to avoid the inevitable conversation. Leo’s territorial. If he could piss on me and that be okay he would. Instead, he just keeps me in his bed, smelling of him. God, I can’t even remember what my natural fragrance is, though I know for a fact it’s not lemon and sandalwood.
My phone dings again and again and again. We usually sends a few texts in a row because we never know when the other person will have time to talk. Five years, and we’re still chasing each other around. That’s probably one of the reasons I haven’t bought a ticket to Seoul and he hasn’t bought a ticket to Ann Arbour. We like the fantasy of each other, of knowing everything about another person and telling them everything about ourselves because it’s one dimensional and won’t live outside of a computer or telephone screen if we don’t want it to. Despite how attractive Ji-hoon seems, Leo is flesh and blood, man with cock making me come all night. Ignoring my penpal isn’t that hard.
The dinging eventually stops, but Leo remains tense beside me, letting his pint sit on the table full. Sipping at my drink, I warm my hands around the mug and turn out to the sleeting rain. Quiet. Content.
Sometime later, Leo’s phone rings and he answers it. I’ve switched my position and ordered another hot toddy and a basket of french fries that I munch on while leaning against Leo.
His words are in Finnish though the tone is soft and happy. It’s his daughter. I know without having to lift my head. The 14 year-old usually calls during the day when I’m at class and Leo’s doing whatever he does. Knowing the man, it’s working.
In a second his tone changes, going from happy to reassuring to suppressed anger. I move from him, giving him as much space as I can. But I’m stuck in the booth, Leo blocking the exit. The man doesn’t move, just balances his elbows on the table and goes from relaxed to livid. There’s a lull in the conversation before he’s suddenly speaking in English, and I can’t grab my phone fast enough. Notifications flare to life as Leo addresses his ex-wife.
Ji-hoon: Hey my Rai of sunshine 1:43PM
‘You let him hit her?’ Leo grits out. ‘Have you lost your fucking mind, Antonia?’
I’ve never heard his wife’s name and the sudden utterance makes her presence all the more real. As if I can feel his Spanish ex-wife sitting at the table, looking at me, touching Leo, telling me how he fucked her harder and said he loved her and married her. How they have a kid and she will always come before me.
Crazy. I am officially going insane over some guy. This is totally why men d
on’t want to have sex with virgins. I get my first dick and I think it’s my only dick. Dickmatized.
Ji-hoon: How you been? How is Ireland? Amazing 1:43PM
Ji-hoon: Got over writers block or no 1:44PM
Ji-hoon:? 1:44PM
‘I don’t give a damn what Helmi did. You get him away from my daughter or I swear I’ll come over there and kill him.’
Ji-hoon: Classes good? Thanks for your words 1:44PM
Ji-hoon: My grandmother died. It is why I have not contact you. But she is old. It was time. 1:44PM
‘Well, you fucked another asshole, didn’t you? At least I don’t beat children.’
Ji-hoon: You would like her. She was very funny and smart like you 1:45PM
Ji-hoon: But she only speak Korean. That why you need to learn it baby. You still practicing what I show to you?1:45PM
‘Put my daughter back on the phone. And if I find out he even came within two meters of her again, I’m suing for full custody and I promise you’ll never see her again. Now I want to talk to Helmi.’
Ji-hoon: Text me when you have time 1:45PM
My fingers shake as I re-read his messages and try to form my own. Leo’s never sounded like that before, angry and menacing. But even as he threatens his ex-wife one minute, his voice is soft and cajoling the next. The words lilting and soothing as he speaks to her in Finnish.
Rai: Sorry to hear about your grandmother. I know you loved her 3:02PM
Rai: Getting over writers block. And yes, I’m practicing the Korean you taught me. It’s hard :/ 3:02PM
Rai: Everything is good with me, though. did I tell you? I met a guy? His names Leo 3:05PM
My phone vibrates in my hand, and I look at the top of the screen to see the notification before refreshing our conversation.
Ji-hoon: Thank you Rai. Your words make me happy 3:05PM
Ji-hoon: You are amazing. You will write again i know it! 3:05PM
Ji-hoon: Leo? No. Who is he? Friend 3:06PM
Rai: More like boyfriend 3:07PM
Ji-hoon: You like him 3:07PM
Rai: I think so. I met him here, in Ireland. 3:07PM
Ji-hoon: When 3:08PM
Rai: A couple weeks ago 3:08PM
Ji-hoon: Well I think I am hapy for you. If you like him then I like him 3:10PM
Rai: Thanks ???? But I am sorry about your grandmother. You talked about her a lot and she seemed very nice. 3:10PM
Ji-hoon: That is life 3:09PM
I’m so caught up in texting Ji-hoon that I don’t realize Leo is finished until he slams his phone on the table, making me jump. My eyes flash to his, and he’s staring at the phone in my hands intensely. Fingers twitch around the device and he finally raises his eyes to mine. Leo’s calm, eyes flat, face emotionless. It sets me on edge immediately.
‘Who’re you texting?’ His voice is the same as his face, and I slowly slide the device around my body and into my back pocket.
‘Who were you talking to?’ Stupid question. Real stupid. What can I say? That I went deaf when his phone rang and I didn’t hear him curse out and threaten his wife—ex-wife—in English?
‘My ex-wife and daughter.’
He waits, and I know it’s for me. ‘A friend.’
‘Which one?’
I think it’s easier to get a starving dog away from a juicy steak than Leo from this conversation. My lips seal over my teeth, thinning into a straight line. There’s an energy at the table, taut as a bow string. He’s looking for a fight, but fuck if I’m going to give it to him.
‘It’s stopped raining,’ he comments blandly, looking over my head to the window.
Silence.
‘We should go back to the hotel.’
Alone with him? Right now? Yeah, and tomorrow I’d put my head in a crocodile’s mouth because they’re such nice, cuddly creatures. ‘No.’
‘Rai—’
‘I’m not going anywhere with you when you’re like this.’
‘Because you think I’ll hit you?’ he growls, bland expression giving way to the fury beneath.
‘No. Never.’
‘Then why?’
‘Because I’m not your soundboard. I don’t know what’s happened with your daughter and your ex-wife, and the second you tell me is the second we go from fun, friends with benefit to something else. I’m not ready to cross that line.’
‘Well maybe I am.’
‘No, Leo,’ I shake my head and tentatively place a hand on his arm. When he doesn’t pull away, I keep it there. ‘I leave in four days. We have nothing to build a relationship on. You have an established life while I’m still trying to establish myself. I can’t be whatever it is you want. I’ll give you sex, I’ll make you smile, but I can’t help with your shit, Leo. I’m sorry.’
And I feel like the world’s biggest bitch after I say that, but I’m not sure what else there is. None of my friends are divorced, in fact, some of them are just getting married. None have children over two years old, and no one runs a company. Leo needs someone with at least a little experience to talk to, not a girl who drinks more alcohol than water or worries about getting an A in a course because a B is the end of her world.
Shock. It’s written all over Leo’s face, pulling at the corners of his eyes, lips, across his forehead and cheeks, bending his neck, sending his pulse thundering. Why?
Because I affirm the future does in fact exist.
Because I pull my head from the sand and take a look around at my environment.
Because I speak a truth neither of us is ready to hear.
‘What’s my middle name?’ Leo asks quietly.
‘Aksu,’ I answer slowly, wondering where he is going with this.
‘If I want to close out a line of code, do I use brackets or greater-than, less-than signs?’
‘Greater-than, less-than signs. Why the weird questions?’
‘Antonia doesn’t know my middle name and neither does anyone at work. She doesn’t even know what I do, but when I speak you listen.’ He leans closer and smooths my hair away from my face, letting his palm linger on my cheek. ‘You think we have nothing to build a relationship on? Rai, we’re already in a relationship. Don’t feed me bullshit lines about how different we are, or about how you’re leaving and everything will suddenly drop. You’re what I want, you already deal with my shit. Just because it isn’t about my ex-wife or kid doesn’t mean it isn’t personal.’ Pulling me close, Leo rests his forehead against mine, closes his eyes. ‘I need you right now. Put down your fucking walls and need me too.’
Words with meaning. Leo is the master of them. And not for the first time I feel us crossing a line as I draw him close to my breast and feel his arms wrap around me.
June 17
We seem to always end up in bed with me trying not to scream and Leo hoping I do. It’s raining, unsurprisingly, and the water pelting the glass panes perfectly masks the slap of our bodies and the muffled groans.
He’s never gentle.
It’s not like he doesn’t know the word or practice—in bed gentle is a barrier he doesn’t use. When he fucks, it’s with the thought that any second a bomb will drop, the world will explode, and while that’s happening he wants to be balls deep having the time of his life.
I can’t argue because I’m the same.
We don’t move in sync with a rhythm. We find our aggression and fight for dominance. Me on top. No, me on top. Until we’re on the hardwood floor, me braced against the bed.
I bite through the sheets to the mattress as he freezes, fingers brushing the tops of my thighs, and expands minutely inside me. It only lasts a second before he’s coming, reaching around, rubbing my clit so hard it sends me into another orgasm.
I’m going to miss this—him. Desperately.
‘You’re going to take a chunk out of that mattress,’ he laughs hoarsely.
I open my mouth only to groan as he moves behind me, sending all my frayed and sensitive nerves into a panic. He leaves me with an audible pop, and I colapse into the tangled sheet. ‘What t
ime is it?’
‘Five,’ Leo answers from the bathroom.
‘Shit. Everyone’s going to be back in an hour.’
‘And?’
The bed dips with his weight and I roll onto my side and prop my head on my fist. ‘Well, the room smells like sex, the sheets are basically ruined, I’ve gotten all of nothing done for my writing, and I have to pack.’
‘Crack a window, order new sheets, start writing, and forego sleep for packing time.’
He makes it sound so simple. I don’t say that ordering new sheets in a hostel is weird, or the smell of the type of sex we had doesn’t just go away with a breeze, writing something solid would take all day, or I need sleep to function. But apparently my expression says enough.
‘This is why I said we should go to my room.’
‘How would that make it any easier?’ No doubt I’d fall asleep in his arms and sleep right through my flight.
‘No sheets to order.’
I laugh as he climbs over me, pins my wrists to the bed, and settles between my legs. ‘Rai, I’ve been thinking—’
‘Uh-oh. Stop right there. You and thinking is never good for me.’ But even as I laugh and try to lighten the mood, I can feel a weight settle around us. This is the moment. We part ways here. I know it, and I’ve prepared myself for it. He’s visiting Ireland, I’m visiting Ireland, and our bodies were just briefly visiting each other. Hello. Bang (x100). Goodbye. Leo might say different, might feel different, but no matter how far our ‘relationship’ gets, traversing an ocean is hard, especially when the people across it have an eight year age gap.
‘What time do you leave?’
‘Why? Thinking about running through an airport trying to catch me at the last minute?’
‘Coming with you.’
I snort. ‘Doubtful.’
‘I’m serious,’ and his tone adds weight to the words. ‘I’m still on holiday since I’ve been working all through it. And it’s been awhile since I traveled through the EU.’
‘You’re not going with me.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’m still not entirely certain you won’t kill me.’
His lips quirked. ‘Yes, because I’ve given every indication I’m a psychopathic murderer.’
‘Every single one.’
‘Chicken.’
‘Weirdo.’
He pushes himself up, either tired of balancing on his forearms or the conversation. I can’t tell. ‘What time do you leave?’
These are movie conversations, promises delivered on a screen but never followed through in reality. I am too fucking pragmatic to deal. ‘It’s time we say goodbye, Leo.’
His jaw tenses. ‘Because I’m asking what fucking time you leave?’
‘No. You’re making promises you can’t follow through on and ruining my last day in Ireland.’
‘Kultaseni—’
His words will pierce me, I know it. So I don’t let him talk, say anything that will change my mind. I’m right. I know I am. Mess with Leo anymore and my heart strings will get all tied up. It will be a bitch to untangle them further down the road. ‘Don’t be this guy. You won’t call me and we’ll never see eachother again. Just kiss me and leave.’
His mouth hangs open like he can’t believe what I said. Like he doesn’t know this is my personality and I never half-ass anything or say something I can’t follow through.
‘I am never that guy. You know that.’ With angry, jerky movements, he dresses, grabs his wallet and phone, and bangs out of the room. No kiss.
***
‘It smell weird in here to you?’ Kate asks as she walks into the room, sniffing at the air.
It’s ten past six, and I sit on the bed with my laptop balanced on my thighs, trying to look like I haven’t just spent the past few hours screwing some dude’s brains out and angry cleaning.
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