Some Hilarious Dirty Jokes And Limericks free porn video

An elephant and a mouse, lifelong best friends, are walking along a dirt path in Africa. Suddenly, the elephant falls into a big hole and screams for his friend to get him out. The mouse runs home as fast as he can, gets his Mercedes, drives back to the hole, ties a rope to the car and pulls the elephant out of the hole.
The next day, the 2 friends are walking along a dirt path, and this time, the mouse falls into a giant hole. The elephant, not panicking, quickly tosses his dick into the hole, and the mouse climbs out.
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
If you have a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes.

A man is out fly fishing. When he begins to lower his line a couple of inches toward the water, a giant fish jumps out of the water to get the fly. A that very moment, a cat happens along and jumps in after the fish but misses and lands in the water, getting soaked and nearly drowning.
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
Every time a fly gets lowered 2 inches, a pussy gets wet.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A guy walks into a bar, and behind the bar is a sign that says, "Hand Job - $10 Cheese Sandwich - $2."
The guy says to the bartender, "Excuse me, Miss, but are you the lady that gives the handjobs?"
She says, "Yes, I am."
The guy then says, "Well then, wash your hands and fix me a cheese sandwich."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

84. A man is sitting next to a woman on a plane, and the woman constantly sneezes, evoking the man's curiosity. He asks if she's alright, to which she replies that she has a rare medical condition that makes her have an orgasm every time she sneezes.
The man asks her, "What do you take for that?"
"Pepper."

85. The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

86. A couple is on their honeymoon, and the man warns his new wife that he has a baby penis.
The wife consoles her husband and tells him that she loves him and that the size of his penis doesn't matter.
After they get to their honeymoon suite, the man takes off his clothes and displays the biggest penis the woman has ever imagined, so big that it terrifies her.
She says, "I thought you said you had a baby penis."
"Yes," replies her husband. "8 pounds, 14 ounces."

87. There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

88. A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the bank vault. She says "But Sir, it's just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - it's not that hard."

89. There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

90. This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"

91. This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"

92. A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do pushups until you throw up!"

93. A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

94. A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

95. On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

96. Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

97. One day, a wife tells her husband that their mailman is retiring after many years of service and that all of the neighbors have been giving him gifts - cash, checks, gift cards, etc. and that they should do something nice for him, too. The husband says, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar."
When the mailman comes to the door, hoping to get some sort of parting gift, the wife answers the door wearing absolutely nothing, takes the mailman by the hand and leads him upstairs where she gives him the blowjob of his life and then fucks his brains out. Afterward, she takes him to the kitchen, fixes him a large breakfast and after refilling his coffee, slips a $1 bill under his cup.
The mailman says that it's the best gift he could've gotten but that he's quite curious why the sex, the breakfast, and a $1 bill.
The wife tells the mailman, "Well, when I told my husband about your retiring, he said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."

98. One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three k**s. I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

99. A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needs a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

100. A housewife, all alone, hears the doorbell and opens it to find a man standing there who asks, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
The woman thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
The woman, amazed by the offer, sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

101. A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

102. Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "Those they gave away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

103. The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

104. A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

105. A little boy is passing by an old man's house carrying some duct tape.
The old man, curious, asks, "Little boy, where you goin with that duct tape?"
"I got me some duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
"Boy, you can't catch ducks with duct tape," the old man says.
"Watch me," replies the little boy, and an hour later, he passes by carrying a bunch of ducks wrapped in the tape.
The next day, the little boy passes by the house with chicken wire.
The old man asks the boy where he's going with the chicken wire.
"I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
"Boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire," comes the response from the old man.
"Watch me," says the little boy, and an hour later, he passes by the house with a bunch of chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next day, the little boy passes by the house again, but the old man can't see what the boy is carrying.
"What ya got there, boy," asks the old man.
"I got me some pussywillows," says the little boy.
"Hold on. Let me get my hat," says the old man.

106. A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

107. Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them get married on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.

When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

108. A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

109. A boy is at school and he hears the older k**s talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

110. One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!"

111. A woman and her little boy were walking through a park in New York and they pass two squirrels having sex. The little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, mommy, what are they doing?" The lady responded, "They're making a sandwich." Then they pass two dogs having sex and the little boy again asks what they were doing. His mother again replied they were making a sandwich. A couple of days later the little boy walks in on his mother and father and said "Mommy, Daddy, you must be making a sandwich because, Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth!!!"

112. This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

113. Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the k** asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

114. A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

115. A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

116. Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this parking lot or on the road side.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

117. On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

118. A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of a****ls. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

119.
My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

120.
Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)
1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

121. The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, “I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.” A nun in the back responds, “Thank God! I’m so tired of Zinfandel.”

122. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the fucking wall!”

123. Q. What’s the difference between sand and menstrual blood?

A. You can’t gargle sand

124. A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if he’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.

As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”

125. Q. Did you hear about the blind prostitute?

A. Well, you got to hand it to her.

126. Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Doug. The midget!

127. Q) How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
A) If she has to chew before she can swallow.

128. Boobs: Proving that guys can focus on two things at once.

129. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

130. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

131. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. It is important to find a woman that loves to have sex. And MOST importantly… It is important that these three women never meet.

132. A tourist from Bulgaria visits the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the Immigration desk, he is visibly puzzled filling out his visa application. The immigration officer looks over the man’s shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write “Twice a week” into the small space labeled “SEX”.

The officer explains “No, no, no… that isn’t what we mean by this question. We are asking ‘Male’ or ‘Female’.”

“Does it matter?” the tourist answers.

133. Mujibar, who has fairly recently immigrated to the United States, is taking his citizenship test. The test administrator says, "Now, Mujibar, I need you to use the words green, pink, and yellow for me coherently. Can you do that?"
"Sure I can, Meester. Dee phone... it go green green green. I pink it up and say yellow, dees is Mujibar."
Mujibar now proudly drives a New York taxi cab.

134. In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the bastards they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote “Returned unopened.”

135. There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw. Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in. The moral of this story: the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.

136. Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now." "Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

137. Q: Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican?
A: They steal all the green cards.

138. A fireman is butt fucking a man in a smoke filled room. The Fire Chief walks in and says, "What are you doing? Give this man mouth to mouth."
The fireman says, "I did. How do you think all this shit got started?"

139. Q. Why did God create the orgasm?
A. So women can moan even when they’re happy.

140. Sex with 3 people is called a threesome.
Sex with 2 people is called a twosome.
That explains why they call you handsome!

141. Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.
He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."
A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"
She replies, "I lost it, honey."
A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"
Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

142. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A c***d? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

143. A union man arrives in Vegas, and the first thing he wants to do is check out the "houses "he’s heard about and see if the ladies are getting a proper deal. He goes to the first house, the madam answers the door. "Good day". he says. "I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl?" The madam answers "80 dollars would go to the house and 20 dollars to the girl". Being a union man, he decides that it isn’t fair, and declines the madam’s offer to enter the premises. He goes to many such houses, and the answer is pretty well the same to his question. Then at one house he asks, the madam tells him that 80 dollars would go to the girl, and 20 dollars would go to the house. This impresses the union man so much, he enters at her invitation, and immediately notices a beautiful blond with big tits and beautiful body sitting on the couch. He pulls out his wallet, hands the madam a hundred dollar bill and says" I would really like to be with that blond over there." I’m sure you would", replies the madam, " but 65 year old Edna sitting over there has seniority!"

144. A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

145. A little boy is passing by an old man's house carrying some duct tape.
The old man, curious, asks, "Little boy, where you goin with that duct tape?"
"I got me some duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
"Boy, you can't catch ducks with duct tape," the old man says.
"Watch me," replies the little boy, and an hour later, he passes by carrying a bunch of ducks wrapped in the tape.
The next day, the little boy passes by the house with chicken wire.
The old man asks the boy where he's going with the chicken wire.
"I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
"Boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire," comes the response from the old man.
"Watch me," says the little boy, and an hour later, he passes by the house with a bunch of chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next day, the little boy passes by the house again, but the old man can't see what the boy is carrying.
"What ya got there, boy," asks the old man.
"I got me some pussywillows," says the little boy.
"Hold on. Let me get my hat," says the old man.

146. A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation. "Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man. "No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

147. A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her. I’m going crazy! What do you think I should do?” “Relax…” says the Doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s Bar?”

148. A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane, and soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded, “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well…” she explained “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native America Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that lovers with the best stamina are from the Southern states of America.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”
“Tonto.” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

149. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values. Stuart said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

150. A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. “Ah…” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two c***dren.” “That’s what you think!” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE c***dren.” The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

151. Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’ll wish you had a fucking club and a spade.

152. On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”
I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”

153. I went to the doctor the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.” I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

154. A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, I bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said, “You have the biggest penis of all your friends.”

155. A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says, “For starters, lets talk about something you both have in common.” The husband says “Well, neither of us suck dick.”

156. A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!”, he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer the phone?” The wife responds, “I was in bed.” Puzzled the doctor asked “What were you doing in bed this late?” To which the wife replied, “Getting a second opinion.”

157. Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” “What makes you say that?” the bartender inquired. “Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

158. As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'"

159.
An American is on vacation in Paris, France. Sitting at an outdoor cafe, casually eating and minding his own business, the American man is disturbed by a rude (typical) Frenchman who sits down at the table across from the American.
The Frenchman rudely (as usual for Frenchmen) asks the American, "Do you eat bread in America?"
"Of course we do."
The Frenchman, laughing quite hysterically, replies, "Well, in France, we eat only the finest croissants and then save the crumbs and recycle them into your shitty sliced American bread."
A little while later, the Frenchman rudely (as usual for Frenchmen)asks the American man, "Do you drink beer in America?"
"Of course we do," came the reply.
Trying to hold back his laughter, the Frenchman responds, "Well, in France, we drink only the finest wines and then we save our piss and recycle it into your American beer."
By this time, the American has had it and knows that he has to one up the rude Frenchman, asking him, "Do you chew gum in France?"
"Oui. Sometimes, we do, of course," the Frenchman replied.
The American, smiling quite contently, knowing he is about to have his victory, continues, "Well, in America, we fuck only the hottest women and save our used condoms and recycle them into chewing gum for the French."

160.
Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on." The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"

161. Q) What do you call the spot between a woman's vagina and her butthole?

A) A chinrest!

162. A guy buys his first motorcycle. The dealer tells him to keep a jar of Vaseline handy to rub on the chrome before it rains to prevent rusting.
A few months later, the young man's girlfriend invites him to dinner at her parents' house. Before they go in, she explains their family tradition that whomever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break. After 15 minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He leans over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her. Silence. Desperate, he grabs her mother and has sex with her on the table.
Suddenly, they hear thunder rumble in the distance. The guy thinks of his bike and, instinctively, pulls the jar of Vaseline out of his pocket.
"OK, OK," says the father, "I'll do the dishes!"

163. A man is dating a very beautiful woman that he's crazy about and wants to make a good impression on her family. He finally gets invited to dinner at his girlfriend's parents' house.
After a while, the man feels a fart coming on but is afraid to let it out, knowing that it might ruin his chances of getting in good with his girlfriend's parents.
He slowly lets out a test fart that, as far as he could tell, makes no noise. Quite happy with the result, the man lets out another fart, which this time, does make noise, but his girlfriend's father says, "Rover!"
Knowing that the dog has been blamed, the man continues to fart all through dinner, every time, hearing the father say, "Rover!"
Finally, the man lets out a huge fart, finally relieving his stomach, expecting the dog to again be blamed for it. The father shouts, "Rover, get the hell away from him before he shits on you!"

164. Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through a park, when they passed three women, eating bananas.
"Good evening, ladies," said Sherlock. After they passed, Watson asked if he knew those women.
"No, Watson, I didn't know that nun, prostitute, or bride." Baffled, Watson asks how he knew their identities.
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun was eating the banana by breaking it into small pieces. The prostitute was shoving the banana into her mouth. And the bride was holding the banana with one hand and forcing her head down with the other."

165. A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.
"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

166. A tractor salesman walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting at the bar quite despondent. Attempting to comfort his friend, he asks what's wrong. His friend tells him that he wouldn't understand, which he protests, so his friend begins...
"This morning, I went out to milk ole Bessie. She wouldn't quit flickin' me with her tail. I tied her tail up over the barn rafter with a rope and started milkin' her again. Damned if she didn't start to kick me with one of her hind legs. So I used another piece of rope and tied the leg up over the rafter. Well then she started to kick me again with her other hind leg, so I had to use my belt to tie her leg to somethin'. By the time I started to milk her again, my pants fell down, and if you can convince my wife that I was only tryin' to milk that damned cow, I'll buy a tractor off of you!"

167. A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."

168. Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

169. A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

170. One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

171. A married woman of 10 years goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor's. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table." The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah..." she says, "that's okay. We wouldn't go back to that restaurant anyway."

172. A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."
After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

173. There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon. She tells the doctor I can't get rid of these bags please help me. The doctor says he is gonna try and new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she can't get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just won't go away. So she goes to the doctor. She says to the doctor: "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor replies: "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!" All she had to say was, "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."

174. A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman "Can I smell your cunt?" "Fuck off, no you can't smell my cunt!" the woman yells back at him, "Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then."

175. A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

176. Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

177. It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
178. One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

179. One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps