Falling Down free porn video

Karly and I laid together in the bed. I was on my back, her lovely body pressed against mine. Comfort and relaxation poured from her and into me. Something about her always made me feel at peace. Safe, and warm and comfortable.

Her head was pillowed on my chest, her hair pressed to my face, bathing me in the sweet vanilla scent that I now always associated with her and only her. Her hair tickled my nose, but I didn’t care…

Well, I didn’t care too much, at least not even close to enough to move her.

I was in that magical place, not quite asleep, but just starting to nudge over the edge.

“I’m sorry.” She murmured at me.

Her voice shocked me awake, pulling me away from that relaxing place where we all lost ourselves to oblivion at least for a small time.

I jerked, in that way we all do when wakened from the edge of sleep, like a small slap on the back of the head.

“Did I wake you?” She whispered.

I put my hand on her head and pulled her closer to me. “Just a little baby girl.”

Her hand tangled in my shirt, right above my heart. “I’m sorry. Go back to sleep.”

I kissed the top of her head. “Stop apologizing. I can never be mad at you for long.”

She moved away from me suddenly, sitting up on her stomach and looking at me.

She was beautiful, as always, but a cloud of worry was laid bare over her face.

Concern pounded through me and I put my hand to her face, my fingers resting over her elven ear. “What’s wrong baby girl?”

She just shook her head and laid back down on my chest. She clung to me tighter.

I considered pressing her on it. Pushing her to tell me what was wrong. I decided that it would be better for her to come around to it on her own. To work her way around to telling me. We all have secrets, and worries. Some we want to share, some we feel like we owe sharing and some we dare not let see the light of day.

I put my face back to her head, “It’s okay. You can tell me, or you can keep it to yourself. It’s up to you. All you have to know is that I’m here if you want to talk.”

I could feel her shake her head on my chest.

Finally, she broke the silence. “I’m sorry we can’t have sex.”

The comment was so stupid I couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t make a big deal out of it.” I kissed her head again. “I’m not worried about it.”

I expected the comment to calm her, to allay her fears. Instead she only curled up more…

I put my hand to her face, “Hey. What’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “I just don’t want you to be mad at me.”

The curling of her body had caused her to start to stray away from where I could properly wrap my arms around her. I decided that I didn’t want that, and it also wasn’t good for her, so I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her up higher.

Kissing her head, I assured her, “I’m not mad at you.”

I sighed. I didn’t understand. This wasn’t that big of a deal. At least to me it wasn’t, to her though, there seemed to be something deeper here that I didn’t understand, something that I knew was desperately important.

I finally decided she was the only one that knew the answer to that question…

“Okay. I don’t get it. This isn’t that big of a deal. It’s going to happen. I mean I’m not an expert on women’s physiology but from what I understand you all shut down for repairs monthly. Something I better get used to, I figure, considering I plan on being with you a good long time.”

She shook her head again. “It’s just…”

She hid her face from he, burying it against my chest. “It’s nothing. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

I pulled her face up so I could see her wonderful eyes. They were portraits of pure sorrow.

It was my turn to shake my head. “You can always talk to me baby girl. I don’t understand, but I want to. What’s going on in that pretty, stupid head of yours?”

My small cutting comment made her smile, a brief slash of happiness in her unhappy face, like a lightning bolt splitting the dark night, there for a moment and then gone.

I figured I wanted to see that bolt again, so I quickly ducked in and kissed her nose.

She giggled and this time her smile was more lasting.

Her hand came up to my face, tracing her fingertips from my forehead down to my lips. Sighing, she looked to have come to a conclusion. “If you don’t want to hear about this, just tell me to stop. I’ll understand.”

Worrying a bit, I forced myself to smile at her, “You have my word.”

She laid her head back down on my chest. “Mike used to get really pissed at me when I was on that time of the month and we couldn’t…”

She seemed to be trying to figure out where the line was in being graphic with her descriptions of her time with Mike. Hell, I was trying to figure out where that line was…

I gave her a few seconds to work it out. “have sex?”

Something about her tone, and her lack of confidence and the weird line of conversation hit me as funny and I started laughing again.

She sat up and smacked me on the chest. “What’s so funny?!”

I pulled her in and kissed her. I figured it was the easiest way to make her forget she was mad at me…

She was intoxicating against my lips. Heaven given form. As my lips touched hers I could feel the blood rush through my body, my breath catch in my chest. Just being able to kiss her made me feel weightless…

I finally forced myself to stop and look into her emerald eyes, “You don’t have to be a prude about it.”

Feeling a stab of jealousy jolt through me, I forced myself to say, “I know you were with Mike before me, and while I can’t say I love the thought of you with anyone but me, I know the nuts and bolts of what went on.”

I shook my head at her, finally bringing my hand up and laying it back on her face. “Tell me what you think is important. Leave out what you want, but talk about the things you need to. Be as descriptive as you need to.”

I kissed her again. “I want to know everything about you. Every inch of your beautiful mind, and I know there are going to be some dark corners. I’m okay with that. In fact, knowing about those dark corners only makes me love you more.”

She smiled and put her head back on my chest. “Anyway, he used to get really pissed at me. He’d say things like, ‘You have two other holes don’t you?’, he’d get pissed, he’d ditch me and refuse to hang out with me. He’d flirt with my friends…”

I shook my head. How could a person be so fucking stupid? How could they be so selfish?

I wanted to feel angry at him. I wanted to feel as if I should have wanted to go find the piece of trash and rearrange his face. Instead I just felt sad.

I felt a little sad for him, at being that person, at losing out on such a great opportunity for happiness with Karly…

Mostly I felt sad for Karly.

She was perfection. She should have never have had to deal with that bullshit. Never have had someone treat her that way.

Don’t you ever be that person… my mind warned me. You may get frustrated, but don’t you ever treat her that way.

“I always felt like that was his way of reminding me I was replaceable.” She finally continued.

I put my face against the top of her head and murmured into it, “That’s stupid. You’re not replaceable. Not by anyone.”

She let out a sarcastic chuckle. “I know I’m replaceable Gabby. Sweet as it is for you to say I’m not.”

That made me angry, and I forced her face up. She needed to understand the truth here. I looked into her eyes to make her understand the words came from the bottom of my heart and were not some empty platitude. “You are not replaceable. Never. Nobody could be you, and you are perfect for me.”

She pulled her face away from me and laid back on my chest, squeezing me tighter. “If you got rid of my today Jacky could easily be laying here within the hour.”

I pulled her tighter to me and put my hand on her head, rubbing my thumb in lazy circles on her temple. “Jacky isn’t you. You aren’t her.”

It pained me to admit it. I had hurt Jacky. I had created a debt there that I could never repay, that I could never make right. I had wanted Karly, and I had hurt Jacky in the process. That would never go away. It would never get any better. Looking back now I could see how I had made excuses. How I had called her stupid, or immature. Even wanting to take responsibility I had made excuses that it was her. The reality was it is never them. It’s always you.

The thought made me realize that every person is special. Every person deserves to be loved in their own way. In a perfect world, we would all find that person that could love us just the way we needed to be loved. That person that didn’t need to change themselves, that you didn’t need to change yourself for. That would grow in exactly the same direction as you. Most of us will never find them, but we all deserved to.

I kissed Karly’s head. “Neither of you is replaceable.” I felt her tense a little bit at that.

“My Karly is perfect for me. Hopefully Jacky finds the person that is perfect for her, but neither of you is replaceable. We can all lie to ourselves and pretend that all we care about is sex, or money, or whatever other stupid fucking reason we get together with someone else, but the truth is I think as humans we are born without a piece of ourselves, and we spend a long time trying to find that piece and put it back right where it goes.” I pulled her tight into me. “Mine is a Karly shaped piece. There is no other piece out there that fits exactly the same, so there’s no way to replace it.”

She shook her head against me. “I don’t think that’s true. I think you could push me out the door right now, and have her here, and she’d be so happy to have you back in her life she’d do anything you wanted her to.”

I sighed at her. She wasn’t getting it. I wasn’t explaining it well enough to her. “I could put someone right where you are, that’s true. That doesn’t mean that you’re replaceable.”

She sniffled, and I knew it meant that she was weeping. That tore my heart apart, but I knew that saying something wouldn’t make her tears stop, they would just be driven beneath the surface.

“Mike found a way to replace me. As soon as he couldn’t have sex with me he found something else Karly shaped.”

I shook my head at her stupidity.

The thought hit me then. “So, you could replace me, just like that?”

Her head snapped up, her eyes locking on mine. “No. Don’t you ever say something like that!”

I smiled at her as I saw the thought dawn on her. The realization of what she was saying.

I gave her a smartass turn of my head, “See? That’s what you are to me. I have to total package here in my arms. Do I want to make love to you? Fuck yeah. Can I refrain a bit because you can’t?” I ran my thumb over her cheek. “I’ll do anything in the world to make sure you keep remembering that I’m just as irreplaceable as you are.”

She smiled and crawled up so she was sitting on me, her hips on mine, her chest pressed against mine. She wrapped my head in her delicate hands and shook her head at me. “I love this big ol’ stupid teddy bear. I may have found him beat up and discarded…” She shook her head and tears dropped from her eyes. “But he’s all I ever wanted.”

I felt a stab of pain and love course through me. She was so perfect and what she said made me somehow found a deeper love for her right there in that moment…

Chapter 2
We were making dinner together. She had picked up supplies on her way over and was showing me how to make something she called pinwheels. They were a mix of meat, cheese, olives, jalapeños, and cream cheese inside a tortilla. They were delicious. After dinner, we sat at the table and worked on homework together. Being in the same classes made the process so much easier…

We were working on the Calculus equations. Well, she was working on the Calculus equations. I had finished them up about twenty minutes ago. I was really just quietly staring at the book, letting my mind wander. I didn’t want her to feel self-conscious about how long it was taking her to get done…

She looked up, “What did you get for number 5?”

That was about midway through the assignment and I had to flip back a couple of pages to find it.

She stopped me, “Let me see that.”

I handed her my spiral notebook and she paged back through it, shaking her head. “You’re done?”

I was embarrassed. I looked at the table and nodded my head. “I think they’re right. They look right. I mean, they look right in the way that school math always seems to look right. You get all these crazy inputs and you do all the miracle math and the answer comes out as five… it’s always five and never like, four-point-zero-seven-six-three-four… you get the point…” I trailed off.

She set the notebook down beside her own work and started to compare our answers. She hissed in frustration and took an eraser to her own work.

Panic surged through me, and I started to reach over and stop her pencil, “Don’t do that. I went too fast, I’m probably wrong.”

She looked through her eyelashes at me. “You’re not. I can see the mistake I made.”

I hated my brain. People saw me do things, thinking things and they always looked scared. People expected it out of some skinny kid with horn-rimmed glasses. Seeing out of one of the biggest kids in school seemed to intimidate them more, like I had no right to be smart and strong at the same time…

I didn’t want Karly to see me like that. I nibbled at my lip and refused to meet her gaze.

She stood and came to me, spreading her legs over me and sitting in my lap.

I wrapped my arms around her more from a sense of obligation than anything else.

She smiled at me, a twinkle in her eyes as she ran her hands up my body, starting at my stomach…

They ran up my chest, on to my neck. It felt so good… my trepidation forgotten.

My eyes drifted closed as her fingers found my face, her nails prickling over my skin. Finally, she flattened her hands out and ran them over my short, stubbly hair.

I opened my eyes and looked at her, nibbling at my lip, nervous once again…

She shook her head at me, smiling on one side her of mouth.

“Your mind…” She started to say.

I reached up and grabbed her hands, pulling them away from my head. “I feel like a freak.”

I was still holding her hands so she darted in and kissed me on the forehead.

“You are a freak, freakboy.” She smiled and took the sting out of the words.

Then her lips were on mine, and I forgot all about my worries. I let her arms go and wrapped my arms around her once more. There was no obligation about this hug, I simply needed to feel her beneath my arms. She wrapped her arms around me once again, pulling me tight to her. When she finally broke from our kiss, she looked at me, a sense of wonder in her eyes. “I love the way your mind works.”

I sighed and let my head drop back. “I don’t. Most of the time it won’t shut up. I worry all the time, and it just seems to run and run. People look at me like I’m a freak, and I hate that, because I know it’s true.”

She kissed me on the end of the nose. It was still sore from the breaking it endured down in Reno. She knew that so she was gentle.

Then she nodded, “It is a little freaky. It scares me some times.”

Her hands came up and rubbed once again into my hair. “I get the sense if you wanted to be a bad person, between that beautiful mind…”

Her hands ran down and settled on my shoulders, “And this body, you would be a really scary person.”

I chuckled at her. “Most people think I’m pretty scary.”

She smiled that electric smile and lit up my world. “Only until they get to know you, the really real you.”

She kissed my nose again, “Then they figure out you’re a big ol’ teddy bear.” She smiled at me. “I love that about you.”

I let my head drop. I really wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be the person she saw when she looked at me.

She pulled me in tight. “I wouldn’t change anything about you.”

Finally, she slid back, “Now get your freak brain over here and help me figure this shit out.”

Chapter 3
Karly took me to practice the next day on her way home. She had stayed the night with me. It was nice to have her in my arms all night long, even if I couldn’t make love to her. Practice was long and hard. It was still enjoyable, however.

I rode the bus home after practice. Joe offered to take me. I was kind to him about it, but I declined all the same. I was done being a drain on people, and I was especially done with people pitying me.

Bustling about my house I made myself busy cleaning. I put on some music and cranked it loud to entertain myself. The knock on my door came as a surprise.

Karly had plans with her mom through the afternoon, and plans with Tish in the evening. She wasn’t due back today. Maybe things had changed…

I opened the door and was shocked to see Jeremy standing there. He wasn’t on the team, and I hadn’t talked to him since my “friends” had ditched me. I was sure he was in on it. I had specifically called him and his phone had gone straight to voicemail.

My eyes narrowed and I started to close the door.

“Wait!” he put his hand on the door and stopped me.

My jaw set and I had the very strong impulse to slam it in his face.

“I had nothing to do with what happened the other night!” He shouted.

That brought me up short. I stopped trying to close the door in his face.

He smiled at me, a nervous, anxious smile. “I was out with my parents. They made me go to dinner and a movie with them. I had nothing to do with them ditching you.”

I wanted to hope… it just hurt too much to though…

I shook my head, and a thought occurred to me. “So, you’re saying you would have, what, talked them out of it? Gone against the group and insisted?”

Jeremy was a decent enough guy, but he was not a leader. He wasn’t one of those guys that was going to go out and stand on his own. He was usually right there in Sep’s shadow. Sep told him to jump and he was in the air before he asked how high. There was no way he was going to go against what the group wanted.

Jeremy took his hand off the door and shook his head. “I really want to say that I would have spoken up… I really do.” He looked me in the eye and I found a new respect for him. “I probably wouldn’t have.”

He sighed and looked at the floor. I had hurt him and while I wanted to think I was a good enough person to feel bad for that, a part of me was thrilled.

He looked at me. “But I didn’t.”

His jaw set, and he nodded at me. “And I’m here now. And I’m telling you, I won’t ever do that to you.”

Finally, he smiled at me.

I wanted to close the door in his face. I didn’t want to let anyone into my circle. If they never came in, they couldn’t hurt me. Let no one stand behind you, and you never have to worry about a knife in the back.

I stood there for a second, trying to work out what I wanted.

He sighed, “I get it. I wouldn’t want to be around me either.” He shrugged, “I just figured you might want someone to talk to.”

He started to turn and I shook my head at how stupid I was being. “Get your ass in here.” I finally said.

He turned to me and smiled. “Thanks man.”

We went into my bedroom and sat down. I gave him my big old comfy chair and sat on my bed, cross-legged.

I scratched my nose while I tried to think. I really didn’t know what to say. He looked every bit as uncomfortable.

His eyes roamed the room, as if he were trying to think of something to say.

I chewed on my lip while I decided how much to tell him, how far into my defenses I wanted to let him slip…

I finally decided that if I was going to make this work, I just needed to be honest. “Look, man.”

I shook my head, trying to will myself to speak. I scratched my nose again.

“So, here’s the deal. I know all of this seems really grade school. It seems like I’m just throwing a fit.” I looked at him, watching him sit there patiently, listening. “Anyway. I’m going through a bit of a rough time. You know a lot about what happened with me and my dad.” I stopped, shaking my head, “Actually, I want to say that you know a lot about what happened with me and my dad but the truth of the matter is, I’ve hidden most of even that from everyone…”

He shook his head, and I could see pity come into his eyes. It hurt to have someone that I cared about pity me…

“Things are a lot worse than I let on.” I looked him in the eyes and decided right there that I would just trust him. “If you share what I’m about to tell you, with anyone, you and I are going to have real trouble. Do you understand me?”

He didn’t make any false promises to me. He just met my eyes and nodded, very solemnly, nodded.

I sighed. “My dad was always really freaking hard on me. I guess people would call it emotionally abusive. When it got to be physical I decided I wasn’t going to take it anymore and I bailed. Before him, my mom was even worse. I was terrified pretty much all my life. Starved, abused. Worse of all, was the isolation. The loneliness. I was alone all the time.”

I ground my teeth. This wasn’t going to be easy for him to hear. “After this latest dustup, I started to realize that I was never a part of our group. I was left out all the time. I had to cling on and attach myself constantly. I’m not like the rest of you. I’m not normal. None of you really wanted me to be around. All of you made sure that without me pushing my way in constantly I wouldn’t be welcome. I’m sure I brought that on myself, but it was still something that was really hard for me to realize.”

I could see him arguing with me in his own mind. He really was a pretty decent person, and I could see he wanted to argue with me. I could also see that he knew he would be lying to both of us if he did.

I gave him a wry smile. “See how much it hurts to realize? Now imagine you’ve been the one pushing at that for as long as I have. Imagine the shame you would feel having had that realization about yourself.”

He shook his head at me. “Look, this is going to sound hollow, but that really isn’t something you should blame yourself for.”

I started to argue and he pulled me up short, “No. Stop and listen. You’re not a bad guy. Yeah, you needed rides, and you were always less well off than all of us.” He shook his head at me, “What all of us should have realized though was, we are not well off. Our parents are. It isn’t your fault that your parents aren’t well enough off to give you the things we’ve been given, and frankly it was an asshole move on our part to look down on you.”

He shook his head and looked at the floor. “I have to own my part in this.”

His eyes snapped up and looked at me. “I’m not very proud of the person I was until I decided to come over here today. I just did what people told me to do. If I had been there that night when they ditched you, I would have joined in. I wouldn’t have argued, I wouldn’t have stood up for you. I would have just went with the flow, all so I didn’t have to think for myself. I’m done with that.”

I smiled at him, shaking my head. “Look man, I appreciate you coming over and trying to make things right, but right now, I’m not going to be a very good friend to you.”

His face scrunched up, “What do mean?”

“I’m kind of freaking out.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Over us being assholes?”

I chuckled. “No. Look. I let a lot of stuff stack up, and then things kind of boiled over. I’m having trouble keeping everything under control.”

He shook his head, “Look, I’m not that smart. Maybe you could explain this all to me. Use little words, and I’ll try to understand.”

I again chuckled. Jeremy wasn’t stupid, far from it in fact, he just saw the world different than the rest of us…

“Putting it plainly. I’m having panic attacks. Depressive episodes.” This one stung to admit…

“If it wasn’t for Karly, I’d probably be thinking about hurting myself…”

There. I said it.

“What happened the other night left me really isolated and alone. If it hadn’t been for her… things might have turned out really badly.”

He was white as a ghost.

I sighed and slapped my knees, “None of that is any fault of any of the guys. They made a choice. It just happened to come at a time that could have been really bad for me.”

I shrugged, “If I just patch some plaster over that hole and pretend me and the guys are okay it doesn’t make the problem go away. It will happen again, and maybe next time Karly won’t be there to pull me back from the edge.”

I met his eyes, “I can’t afford that to happen. It’s easier to be on my own than it is to count on people that aren’t going to be there for me.”

His eyes roamed the room, “We’re not going to hug now are we?”

It made me laugh.

He shook his head at me. “Maybe you should tell the guys what you just told me?”

My face went still. “I don’t want people to be around me because they pity me. The only reason I told you is because you reached out to me, and I took that as a sign of you genuinely wanting to be around me. If that happens you need to understand what’s going on with me. I’m not going to be an easy person to be around. That means I need to depend on the kindness of others. If I expect that kindness, I need to be open.”

My eyes narrowed at him, “And I was serious. If you share this with anyone… I’m going to be pissed.”

He laughed and raised his hands. “Don’t need to be told twice. I get it.”

He paused a second and thought about it. “So, I’m going to assume you don’t want to hang out with the other guys?”

I shook my head at him. “I can’t afford to.”

He nodded. “I get it now.”

I suddenly felt really bad for him. I had laid all of this on him, and then put him in the spot where he essentially had to pick between them and me. It was a really unfair thing to do…

“Look, I get it.” I told him, “I’m not asking you to choose between them and me. Frankly, where I am right now, you should choose them. I won’t be a good friend to you, not right now. I won’t hold it against you. I can get through this on my own.”

He laughed and shook his head. “This is a no contest issue for me.”

I didn’t get what he was talking about, so I shook my head at him. “I don’t understand.”

I smiled. “It’s going to sound stupid, but how many times in your life do you get to really be there for someone? I mean when it really matters?” He paused for a second. “Also, I’m tired of being treated like the family dog.”

His eyes met mine, and I saw a fierceness there. “Look man, I’m treated like a joke. People look down on me, and I end up being the clown to keep them entertained. I’m tired of that shit. I’m tired of feeling like I’m tolerated. You want to know why I’m sitting here right now?”

I shook my head at him. “I really don’t.”

“Because you never treated me that way.” His look took on a fierceness I had never seen from him before. “You never tolerated me. When I got on your nerves you told me to knock it off. You always treated me with respect, and I always knew that the way you treated me was exactly where I stood with you.” His eyes narrowed. “I also realized that if they can do that to you. Sooner or later they’ll do it to me.”

I chuckled.

He sighed, “You know my mom tried to kill herself last summer?”

I was horrified. “What? I mean, no, I didn’t know that.”

He looked out in to the distance, his eyes going out of focus. “I didn’t tell anyone because I was ashamed.”

I shook my head at him, “Why?”

He looked at the ground and sighed. “My dad is a real piece of work. He just gets under your skin… makes you feel like you’re less than human. I feel it too sometimes…”

I suddenly felt very selfish. How had I not known this about him? How had I not sensed it?

It made me feel like I wasn’t a very good friend…

He smiled at me. “I get where you’re at… because most of the time, I’m right there with you…”

Then he shrugged, “So how about we try being alone, together?”

Chapter 4
Karly was laying in my arms…

I kissed her, laying my kisses over her face, her neck… down her chest.

She giggled and shivered. “You make me feel so good when you do that.”

I reluctantly let her skin fall away from my lips, brushing a stray strand of hair away from her face, so I could see her eyes. I shook my head at her…

“You are so perfect.” I told her for the thousandth time.

Her hand came up and pulled my head into hers, her lips meeting mine, her tongue sliding into my mouth. When she came up for air, her eyes met mine. “Back to school tomorrow. You ready?”

I smiled at her. “Yep, I’m ready.”

Her eyebrows shot up, “Did you do all your homework?”

I laughed. “Yes mother.”

She smiled at me. “Don’t take that tone with me mister.”

I chuckled and shook my head at her. “I love you.”

She preened like a peacock in my arms. “I know.”

Giggling I wrapped her in my arms and pulled her over on top of me. “Goofball.”

She leaned in and kissed me, “So, when am I picking you up tomorrow morning?”

I pulled my face away from hers. “You’re not.”

She raised her eyebrows at me. “What do you mean I’m not?”

I put my hand on her face. “You are not getting up early and driving across town to pick me up. I’m riding the bus in the morning, like I always do.”

She looked crushed at first, then, really, really angry.

I gritted my teeth at her. “I need to stop being that person that depends on other people for everything. I want to do this for me. My pride couldn’t take it if I knew that every morning I was making you get up early to drive all the way across town and pick me up because I couldn’t provide for myself.”

She shook her head at me. “That’s stupid. And you need to know it’s making me angry.”

I took a deep breath. “Baby girl, let’s be honest. You don’t want me on that bus in the morning because Jacky is going to be on it.”

She stopped dead.

“You don’t want me on that bus because you don’t trust me to make the smart choice and avoid her.”

I saw panic steep into her eyes. “It’s not that I don’t trust you…”

I raised my eyebrows at her. “So, what, you think she’s going to throw me down and rape me?”

She looked desperate. “I know you. I know you well enough to know that you’ll be nice to her. She’s going to take that as her still having a chance with you.” She paused and looked down. “I just don’t want her worming her way back into your life.”

I sighed at her. I had this coming. I had left Jacky for Karly, Karly had to expect the same behavior out of me with her.

“Look, I get it. I have no right to demand that you trust me…”

Sorrow clouded her face, “It isn’t that.”

I smiled at her, “I know it is. It’s not that big of a deal. I’m going to show you.” I put my hand on her face, “You can trust me, because there is no way I’m messing up something as perfect as what I have with you.”

Her eyes narrowed and she growled at me…

Her face came in close to mine, and I reached for her to kiss her. Her mouth landed on mine, hot and full of life. Her hands went into my shirt, her nails raking down my flesh…

Her hips ground on mine and I found myself very excited by her…

For the first time, I was suddenly very frustrated with the thought of not being able to have her…

I felt her hands on the button of my shorts…

My hand caught hers… “No, no…”

My breath came in ragged gasps. I licked my lips… “No way I can handle you digging around in there right now…”

Her tongue nipped out and she actually licked the tip of my nose…

“I just figured that you’d like to unwrap your present…” She told me playfully.

My breath sped up…

“You mean…?” I asked her.

She raised her eyebrows and nodded her head… “Yep…”

I grabbed her and pulled her to me, kissing her hard and doing my best to take her breath away…

Her hands were back into my shirt and I could feel her breath speeding up, keeping pace with mine. It felt delicious to feel her want me as much as I wanted her…

She made a frustrated sound, “Off please. Take it off.”

I laughed and pulled my shirt off.

Her mouth found its way to my neck and the sensation rolling through my body was so intense it was all I could do to keep from rolling her over and taking her right there.

It was weird though… I wanted her to drive. I wanted to see her in action.

Her hands rolled and roamed over my chest, working their way up to my shoulders. Her lips traced their way down my neck and onto my chest. My eyes rolled back in my head it felt so good…

Her hands were back onto the button of my shorts…

I didn’t stop her this time.

Her mouth was hot upon mine… She had her hands in my pants. I kissed her neck, breathlessly whispering into her ear, “Shirt off please.”

She smiled and pulled her shirt off. The bra was next.

My hands found her breasts, massaging and tweaking her most sensitive spots. She covered my hands with hers, her head lolling back.

She was panting with desire, and it was driving me insane.

She raked her nails across my chest, once again heading down my pants.

I shook my head at her, “Lose the pants. I need you right now.”

She smiled wickedly at me, “Patience is a virtue.” She panted as she pulled my shorts down.

I had to kick my shoes away quickly to help her get my shorts off.

And then her mouth was on me.

I had to use every ounce of my willpower not to pull her down on me. “Or that works too…”

Her head lolled on me, driving an insane amount of pleasure into my body.

I could feel her working her pants off while she was down there. I very much wanted her right then… “You. I want you.” I hissed at her.

She looked up at me, her smile flashing bright. She crawled up my body, her skin rasping against mine. Her mouth found mine as she pressed her body down on me. She was so warm and inviting…

“Oh god…” I moaned as she pushed me into her.

Chapter 5
That first day on the bus seeing Jacky was the hardest. She got on the bus about five stops after me. She was obviously extremely pissed. She walked straight to her seat and dropped into it, glaring at me the entire time. While a part of me wanted very much to keep her mad at me, a part of me knew that I had wronged her, and that in turn kept me civil. I let her get off before me, and I kept a good distance from her. I wanted to apologize for being a dick, but I also wanted to keep my distance from her. Sometimes the best thing you can do to make up for hurting someone is to help them remember that you should be forgotten…

I tried to not look. I kept my headphones on, and a book in my lap. I kept my focus on those things. I went out to lunch with Karly that day. She was not having it…

“How’d this morning go?” She tried to keep it casual, like she didn’t really care. I knew that was bullshit. In her mind, she probably saw Jacky rush onto the bus with me and dive straight into my lap…

I looked up from my sandwich. “Tensely. Is that a word? It doesn’t sound like a word. Did I just make that word up?”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “How are you in AP English? Yes, tensely is a word.” She snapped her fingers at me. “Now stop trying to change the subject.”

She was kind of pissing me off…

I gave her a dark look. “There’s nothing to talk about. She hates me. I don’t intend to disabuse her of that notion. Problem solved.”

“Look, I just want to know.” She told me defensively.

I pushed my anger at her down. I loved her, but she was making it tough… “Please stop.”

Her eyes locked with mine. I could tell she was looking for something to say. I could tell a part of her wanted to argue with me, a part wanted to apologize, a part wanted to smack me in the head.

I didn’t wait for Karly roulette to land on a number. “I didn’t cheat on you, so stop treating me like I did. I get it, but please, knock it off. I love you, but you’re pissing me off right now.”

Rage flashed across her face. She managed to push it down before she opened her mouth…

I was really proud of her for that.

She ground her teeth and shook her head. “It isn’t you, it’s her. I just.” She shook her head and sighed heavily.

I cut her off before she could start talking again. “Don’t lie to me, and certainly don’t lie to yourself. You don’t trust me. I can’t say I blame you, but I can tell you right now, asking me is fine. When I tell you and you keep pushing it starts to feel a hell of a lot like you’re calling me a liar.” My eyes narrowed at her. “That’s going to get real old for me, real fast.”

She sighed and nodded. “I get it. I’m sorry.”

I reached across the table and took her hand. “Don’t be sorry. Nothing to be sorry for. I just need you to know where the line is.”

She scooted from her chair across mine to the one next to me. She put her head against mine. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be neurotic girlfriend… I just can’t help it.”

I gave her all too close lips a quick peck, “It’s okay. We’ll work through this together.”

The next day, still the silent treatment.

The same the day after.

On Friday, she sat in front of me. Midway to school she turned around and said something to me. The headphones Karly had bought me for Christmas were really nice noise canceling ones, so I didn’t catch what she had said. I looked up, pulled them out and asked, “What?”

She shook her head angrily and turned back to face the front of the bus. “Fuck you.”

I just shook my head, sighed and put my headphones back in.

Part of me wanted to say something. The smarter part of me realized that she was trying to provoke me. To get me to say something stupid. The entire thing seemed so petty. I really wasn’t interested in getting involved. This entire thing seemed so fucking pointless. I realized the best thing I could do was just ignore her. She would work herself up to the point that she finally started hating me and that would be the end of it. She would get her closure, I would get peace, and Karly wouldn’t have to worry anymore.

After about two weeks she turned and started talking to me again…

I was really hoping she would just let it go…

I sighed and took my headphones out. For a split second, I considered talking to her. Trying to explain it to her. Trying to figure out a way to make her understand that she wasn’t a bad person. That it wasn’t something she did, or something she wasn’t. That it was just a matter of Karly being a better fit for me.

I looked into her pixie face and felt very sorry for her. “Look. I’m sorry about what happened. I shouldn’t have done that to you, but I did. I can’t help it. I can’t make it change, and if I could the only change I would make would be to break it off with you before I got together with Karly.”

She started to talk and I held my hand up to her, shaking my head. “Just stop. All you are doing is rubbing salt in your own wounds. Just stop doing that to yourself. You win. I’m a lousy person and you get to walk out of this whole thing realizing that you did absolutely nothing wrong.”

Tears started to well in her eyes. “I just wanted to be friends again…”

I sighed. It hurt to hear her say that. I felt bad for her. I knew her home life was shit, I had seen that first hand, and for the briefest of moments I considered working out some way we could make that happen.

My common sense kicked in though…

I shook my head. “I think that would be a mistake for both of us. You need to move on. I need to make sure…”

I didn’t want to say I need to make sure I stay loyal…

But I did want to make sure I stayed loyal. It wasn’t that I felt that there was any chance of Jacky tempting me away from Karly, but I figured closing that door and not testing the theory was probably the smartest way to ensure that I never stepped over the line. There was also Karly’s feelings to be considered.

While a part of me railed against the idea of Karly picking who I spent time with and who I didn’t, a very strong part of me realized that in this case being friends with Jacky would hurt Karly and no friendship was worth that.

“I need to make sure that I take care of Karly better than I took care of you.” I finally settled.

She shook her head at me, something like panic seeping into her features, “We can be friends. Just friends. I can move on with us just as friends. I just get so lonely…”

I sighed. “I’m sorry. We can’t be friends.”

The look of sorrow on her face turned to one of despair, leaving me feeling like a monster. Leaving me feeling like I was the one turning my back on someone. I realized then, in that moment that there were times when you had to turn your back on someone, even when you didn’t want to, even when you knew it was the absolute wrong thing to do…

With that, I put my headphones back in and went back to my book, I felt like a total asshole…

Chapter 6
I found myself sitting on the floor in the team hotel room the night before the State tournament started. Karly sat in front of me, my arms wrapped around her. Coach stood in front of the biggest group he had ever taken to the State tournament. Pride beamed across his face, but I could tell he was tense. The team had never won a State championship, and I could tell, in his mind he had already decided that with the raw number of guys he had in the tournament this was the best chance he ever had.

He was nervous, and under a great deal of stress.

He looked at all of us with intensity, his eyes landing on Karly in front of me. I could see those eyes narrow just a bit. He let it go, but I could tell he was not happy with it.

I decided that he could deal with it. I had been good. Karly was my girlfriend, and she had not been a distraction. She, if anything had kept me functional. I had had several panic attacks in the weeks leading up to the State tournament and she was the only thing that was keeping my mind straight. Coach didn’t know about that, and I decided that he didn’t need to know.

His eyes moved away from us and started ranging over the group again. “All of you have earned your spot here. Look around you. Each of you deserves this.”

He put his beefy hands on his hips. “I won’t lie to you. This is the biggest group that we have ever taken to the State tournament. It is the best chance we have ever had at walking away with a State Championship. Wrestling is an individual sport, and I know each of you is interested in placing the best you can for yourselves, but I also want you to all know that I’m counting on all of you to represent the team and do your best for your school.”

He met each set of eyes in turn. “Some of you,” his eyes landed on mine, “are ranked extremely highly in this tournament. I want to remind you, this isn’t a regular tournament. There will be no easy matches. Your first match out of the gate is with either a District Champion, or with a runner up. I need you to remember that there is no coasting here. Every guy that you wrestle in the next two days will be your equal. Does everyone understand that?”

I looked around the room and saw a lot of heads nod. Sep was there. Joe had won his own district championship. Nick had come in second and had gotten a place at the table. The one that made me proudest was that Shawn, the other heavyweight on the team had come in second… he was sitting beside me. Our weeks of wrestling had put a shine on him. I had watched with pride as he used one of the moves I had shown him to put away a kid that had beaten him every time they had wrestled.

He looked at me and I smiled at him. He elbowed me. We had struck up something of a friendship over the past few weeks. One that I was extremely proud of. He was a good kid, and had worked really hard. I was proud to have him at my side.

“Let’s go over some rules while we’re here. All of you will be there for the entire tournament. I expect you to stay in our team’s section.” He looked over at the four parents that had agreed to come as chaperones. There were more parents that were traveling to watch their kids, but these four were the official team chaperones. We knew, their word was just as strong as coach’s. Karly’s mom and dad were there, as well as one of the other kids on the team, Todd. “I want to thank Karly’s parents, Mister and Missus Kay, and Todd’s parents, Doctor and Missus Benjamin for helping out. There are enough of you here this year that the coaches will have a hard time keeping up with matches. They are going to be watching out for you during our off time. What they say goes.”

His eyes narrowed, “And remember, while practices may be over for those of you who are seniors… I still control your Varsity letter.”

I laughed. Some of the guys could get a little rowdy on normal trips, so a trip at the end of the season, with no consequences… that could be a quick nightmare.

“So, if one of you kicks a hole in the wall, and finds the need to replace it with say… toothpaste…? You’ll be hearing from me.”

I eyed Joe and Sep as they nervously laughed…

They had kicked a hole in the wall of the hotel room at the Reno tournament this year and had hastily patched it with toothpaste. Apparently, coach had heard something about it…

Coach put his hands back on his hips. “All I can say is that was not a fun phone call, and we are all lucky the hotel couldn’t prove the wall wasn’t like that before we got there…”

Coach gave me a stern look and I shook my head at him. “We won’t have a repeat performance. Am I clear?”

There was a raucous, “Yes coach!” that ran through the room.

We all got to bed early that night…

Emotions were high. People were nervous.

I ended up sharing a bed with Shawn… not my preferred sleeping partner, but Karly had her own room down the hall…

I considered asking coach if I could sleep with her.

I don’t think he’d have thought the joke was funny.

We woke in the morning, had breakfast with the team, and headed over to the tournament. Coach caught me as I got off the bus. “You have a number one seed. You get that doesn’t mean much once that whistle blows, right?”

I smiled at him. “I know coach. Doesn’t matter where you start the tournament. Only matters where you finish.”

He smiled at me, “Good boy.”

I destroyed the first kid I faced. As the number one seed I faced the last placed seed in the tournament. It was unfortunate for him. I took him over in an arm throw in the first thirty seconds of the match and pinned him in under forty-five seconds.

I thought my second match was going to be exactly as much of a joke. The kid was aggressive, but clumsy. As soon as the whistle blew, he charged me like an enraged bull. He had weight on me, but no control. I could tell he was strong, and used to using that strength to beat on guys he wrestled. I was his match in strength, knew I had technical skill on him, and was much faster than he was.

I had this match in the bag.

His first charge pushed us both out of bounds. The ref brought us back to the center, reset us and blew the whistle again. He charged me hard, and I ducked underneath his attempt to lock up with me. My arms circled around him in a bear hug. As soon as I had him set I knew the match was over.

Apparently, nobody sent him a copy of the memo. I don’t know what he was thinking, but he almost instantly tried to hit me with a head and arm throw, only he really only got hold of my head…

It didn’t stop him from throwing both of us hard to the side. Not a big deal. Just hold on to the bear hug, and once we hit the mat, readjust and pin him.

As we hit I felt my right wrist pop…

It stung a bit, but my hand popped right open. He squirmed and like that he was free. He didn’t press it. He knew I had him and it caused him to back off fast.

Coached screamed at me for letting him go. I cussed myself for letting him loose. I had him goddamn it!

I stood with him, shaking my hand as the pain started to bleed in.

Must have given me a stinger when he landed on me. I thought, trying to get the burning in my hand and wrist to go down. Just roll with it. Give it a chance to calm down.

We circled. My hand started to really hurt. I tried to buy some time, circling around him and testing how good his shoot defense was. He charged me a few times and I started to realize that the best way for me to put him out of my misery was going to be to go back to the bear hug. It was obvious from his first reaction that he had no defense to it, so if I could just get it locked in I knew he was doomed.

He charged hard again and like textbook, I wrapped him in a bear hug. I could tell for some reason he was thinking he was in a good position. He thought he had me in a double underhook. What he was too stupid to understand was that with my hands locked around his back he had zero leverage.

I was more conservative this time. This time, I wasn’t going to try to take him over hard. I was going to pick him up, squeeze the life out of him and then put him straight on his back.

My hands tightened and my right hand screamed in agony…

I forced myself to ignore the pain and lifted him off the ground.

Once again, my wrist popped and this time the pain was so intense my knees went weak, and my grip turned to water. He felt my grip slip and like that he threw another head and arm. This one was far more successful than the last. Instinct was the only thing that kept me from getting pinned. I felt him shift and threw myself into the roll.

Had I reacted a blink faster I would have taken him over the top of me and ended up on top. A blink slower and I would have ended up on my back, fighting to keep myself from getting pinned.

My reaction was just good enough to put us both in a shitty stalemate. My right hand was useless, so I used my left to attempt to get loose. He continued to try to pull me in, not realizing that there was no way he was going to get enough leverage to get me into a takedown, much less a pinning position. We lay on the mat for the last thirty seconds of the round. Too tied up to get loose, but both in too awkward of a position to leverage for something better.

The whistle blew, signaling the end of the round.

I would have been disappointed had the pain in my hand not been blinding. I tried to put my weight on it to get up and it was like I was trying to cut my own hand off…

Finally, using a centering technique my dad had shown me I managed to get my mind calmed and got to my feet. The hand hurt, but I could do it. I could gut through it. This guy was a loser. He was overzealous, he was clumsy. I just needed to wrestle better than him. I needed to be clever and use my speed. A little rest between matches, maybe get coach to tape my wrist to make it a little more stable and I’d be fine.

I looked over at coach and he was screaming at me to get my act together. He seemed really pissed…

I worked my way over to the center while the ref flipped the coin. It came up red. I was green…

Please don’t take top. Please don’t take top. I pleaded inwardly…

“Top.”

Fuck!

Having to go down meant I had to go to all fours, hands and knees. Worst of all, that meant I had to put my hands flat on the mat, and that meant that I had to support not only my own weight, but my opponent’s as well.

Well, this is going to fucking hurt… I told myself as I cradled my wrist to my body and dropped down, both knees and my left hand to the mat. Be tough. It’s only for a second. Once the whistle blows, pull your weight off of it and get the hell out of there.

I put my right hand on the mat and agony screamed up my arm. I meant to put it all the way down flat, as you were required to do, but all I could manage was a curled hand. It wasn’t legal… I wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

My opponent wrapped his arms around me. I thanked god himself he set himself on my left side…

I prayed for the fucking whistle…

Be tough. It’s coming. I promised myself.

Instead of the one short whistle that would have signaled the start of the round there was one long whistle. My opponent twitched anyway, sending a shiver of the most grinding pain I had ever felt driving through my body…

“Warning, green, false start.”

Fuck! Wait, what? I’m fucking green!”

I looked at the ref, agony in my face, trying to convey my confusion…

“Green. You have to put your hand flat on the mat. Your right hand is cupped.”

Fuckfuckfuck!

Coach was screaming at me for not paying attention. I just ignored him…

I reset myself. Laying my right hand as flat as I could I felt the pain shoot up my arm. I had to do this. I had to. Another false start and I’d lose a point. Eventually I’d get dq’d. I had two choices. Get my hand down flat or give the match.

“Green, set!”

I forced my hand flat on the match. The pain was agony. I had never felt anything like it in my entire life…

My jaw clenched and my teeth chattered.

I forced my mind into a calm place…

I can do this… I promised myself.

My opponent got himself on top of me.

I swore to myself that if the ref called me again I would quit… I couldn’t take this again.

“Top set?” I could feel my opponent shake his head.

“Bottom set?”

Just blow the fucking whistle you fucking cunt! My brain screamed.

I shortened it to just nodding my head.

The whistle blew and I was out of there like a fucking meteor. I hipped out to my right side, curling my right arm back, flipping my left leg beneath me and sliding out from beneath him like a shot. I was way too fast for him to hold on to me and I could tell once again he had no chance against me.

As I spun from his grasp I lashed out with my left hand and palm struck my opponent out away from me.

Escape! That puts me up by a point!

I couldn’t rest on that though. My chances of pinning this guy without being able to use my right hand were slim to none. That meant I had to go a full six minutes with him. Someone was going to have to go down in the third round, and after having done that, and escaping from it I promised myself that there was no way in fucking hell that someone was going to be me. I needed some points so I could start stalling. It was a shitty plan, but I needed to buy myself some time to get my wrist to stop hurting so badly, and I needed to win this match if I wanted to stay in the winner’s bracket…

I lashed out with an open palm strike any time he got close to me. I knew I was telegraphing that I was hurt, but I couldn’t help but keep my right hand curled up defensively against my chest.

I remembered all of the times I had practices a left-handed stance…

I had started it as a goof, like I was doing something clever. As I went on I started to realize being able to offset my body was sometimes handy…

Considering I had to use a left-handed stance in order to fend off this charging bull while I bought myself some time to think I was really glad for that practice…

I needed a takedown I didn’t have to use my right hand for…

My double leg depended on my grabbing both the guys knees.

My single depended on me being able to lock up.

Fireman’s carry would work, but was one of my worst take downs…

As I worked through and discarded moves I realized that I really had only two choices. An overhook throw, and a high crotch. The overhook had two benefits. The first, and most appealing, was it took my opponent straight to their back. The second was that I threw all my overhook throws to my left side and I didn’t have to use my right hand at all to pull it off.

Problem was, I had to pull his weight over my body, and that meant taking an impact on my right hand. I also needed to be able to close the throw out and pin him, which meant I’d have to flip and put my right hand beneath his head…

The throw was the kind of takedown that was either a home run, or a sacrifice fly… it either ended in a pin, or nothing at all. I would not be able to convert it to a takedown if I flubbed the pin…

High crotch it is…

The high crotch was going to be tough. I needed to put all my weight beneath my opponent, thread my right hand through his legs, grab my right forearm with my left hand and lift my opponent bodily off the mat…

Fuck it. I thought as I palm struck him in the forehead again.

It was the sixth palm strike I had thrown at him. He was used to it and must have figured the next one was a great opportunity to charge me again. His hands went out to grab me and I just wasn’t there anymore…

I felt my knee kiss mat, my shoulder strike him in the waist, my left hand wrapped around my right forearm…

The pain was still intense. Not as intense had I tried to lock my hands but still very bad. I had intended to lift him bodily off the mat. Use the pressure on his groin to knock him off balance but the pain broke my concentration for a split second. I settled for driving him on his ass. I made doubly sure to get my hands out from beneath him prior to him hitting. Had he landed on my hand I would have blacked out from the pain, I was sure of it…

He went to his ass and like a fool he tried to wrap his arms around me and muscle his way out of it…

His coach was screaming at him to get to his stomach.

He banged my hand a little bit as he flipped over and I nearly screamed from the pain…

I ended up on top.

Three points up! That means two full stalling penalties ahead… room to breathe! My brain screamed.

I considered my options. With only one hand there was no chance I would be able to roll him over. I had zero moves that did not use my dominant hand from the top. At least not with him flat on his stomach. If I let him get to all fours I could leg in. That put me at risk of him getting lose on my again, and if he got to his feet I would lose some of my precious lead…

I settled with using aggression to substitute for movement. I slid up his body and have him a right forearm shiver to the back of the head. Normally I’d have used it to unsettle my opponent. This time I was just making it look like I was taking a moment to settle on a move. Pain shot up my arm, but it was manageable. I came across his face with my left arm, trying to make it look like I was going for a double under.

In reality; I was stalling my ass off.

He surged up to all fours and I did the one thing that was available to me. I legged in.

He went down like a sack of bricks…

It was both a win and a loss for me. On the plus side, there was no way he could get away from me…

On the negative side, I had so much control over him that there was no way he could get out. That put the onerous on me to progress the match…

I was going to get called for stalling very quickly. With only my left hand