A Virus Marriage free porn video

A Virus Marriage By Jillian Well, here we go again, my third story that takes place in the Virus Universe. This time the subject(s) are a middle-aged married couple, Helen and Philip Kingston whose three children are all grown and out of the nest. Here again, the subjects not only change sexes but their ages as well, losing about 35 years as a result of the virus. A twist to this particular story is the continuing reluctance of both parties to willingly accept what it inevitable and how the changes affect their somewhat boring and shaky marriage. As always, reviews are appreciated and this time I also request storyline suggestions and again invite other Authors to write for this universe. Complete repostings are permitted so long as full credit is give to me, the Author. Jillian Rogers Helen: Philip and I have just finished dinner and as always, I just stacked the dishes in the sink to watch the evening news together, planning to wash them later. Our last child, my baby boy had left home just the past Tuesday, having joined the Marines and I miss him already. After having three kids underfoot for the past twenty five or so years, I feel the nest we worked so hard to make for them is empty now, and with this, the part of my life as their nurturing mother, has come to an end. Our two daughters left two and five years ago respectively, both when they got married, and now with Tim gone too, I sort of feel like my useful life has ended, my role in it and as a mother no longer needed. Now if there was only some way to reconnect with Philip. some way for us to once again become a married couple instead of just two old folks who happen to live together. Well, at least the local news is over, what there is of it living in this small town. Now we can find out what's happening on the National scene. Hmm, an address by the President later tonight, at 9:00. I wonder what this is all about. there aren't any hotspots around the world right now that I'm aware of, must be some new program he wants to announce. If this were any other night but Thursday, there would at least be some better shows on TV so I guess we'll watch the President. As soon as the news is over, I get up and return to the kitchen to do the dishes and clean up from dinner. While I'm standing in front of the sink, I think suddenly of the large kitchen table and how maybe I should ask Philip about getting a smaller now, with the kids gone and all. We could always eat in the dining room if we have company or they come home to visit. Might be a good time to get him started on re-doing the kitchen, too, something he's been promising to do for some time now. Philip: After another of Helen's good meals, I go out to the living room and turn the TV on, planning to watch the news like we always do after dinner. Then, while she cleans up the kitchen, I'll watch a Star Trek rerun before we see what else we want to watch before we go to bed. Damn, life has really become mundane and boring now that all three kids have left home. All those years of running here and there around town for their activities, the weekend campouts when Tim and I were in Scouting, all gone now. We really should have done some stuff for ourselves, Helen and me, so we'd be involved in something now. But we didn't and I can tell the empty nest syndrome is really affecting her and maybe me to some extent too. Maybe I should see about us taking a vacation together, someplace exotic. Yeah, maybe it'll help rekindle the dying embers of the fire we used to have together. Living as we do, about thirty miles outside of the large town where they broadcast the local news from, there's very little on it that deals with the happenings around here. Not much on the National news either, just some local conflicts in various places around the world and more political stuff. Well, so the President's going to address the Nation tonight. I wonder what line the buffoon's going to try to foist off on us this time? Well, with so little on TV tonight, I guess we'll watch him if only to see what crappy program he's going to foist off on the public this time around. Only because I've not seen this particular Star Trek episode do I not fall asleep, so boring has our life become, so day to day and mundane. Helen: Sitting down in the living room again after I've finished up with the kitchen, Philip and I wait for the President's address to begin, curious as to what he's going to speak about this time. After the usual speculation by the talking head of this particular network, Peter Jennings, the President comes on from the Oval Office. After he's addressed the crux of his message, almost everything else he said went right over my head. I was too stunned and shaken to hear much else. A sex-change virus? Inevitable? Only a small percentage of the population will be immune? Oh my gawd! NO! This can't be happening! Philip: As I normally do, I let my attention wander while the news guy hosting the network show blabbers on about nothing of real importance, I wait for the President to speak to whatever garbage he's going to ram down out throats this time. At first, when he does finally come on, I process what he says without really hearing it and not until he gets into talking about clothing exchange centers and how the Fed's are going to help everyone change their ID's and so on does it begin to settle in. A virus that's going to change everyone's sex? How? What the hell is going on here? How did they let this happen? Damnit, I don't want to be a woman. Not now, not at my age! Turning to look at Helen, sitting on the couch beside me, I hear her mutter "No" just before she screams. "Easy Honey, take it easy. Let's talk about this." I say to her. "But Philip. this can't be happening. not now, not at our ages." She says, nearly hysterical. "Darling, I know, I know. And I agree with you, too. But if it is, and this does seem to be the case, we'll get through it together, just like we've always done." I say, trying to reassure her and calm her down. Helen: After nearly losing it, Philip calms me down somewhat and I try my best to regain my composure. But the rest of the evening is a just a blur, as I'm lost in my own thoughts. The whole idea is just so darn preposterous, so unbelievable. Me, a man? Oh please no! Maybe if I was going to be twenty years old again but not now, not at our ages. Philip: I think I know exactly what's going through Helen's mind, pretty much the same thoughts as I'm having. What the hell am I going to do as a woman, of all things? And why? Why me? Why us, for that matter? What will it do to our marriage, our lives together? And why, above all at our ages, couldn't this damn virus just leave us alone so we can live out the years left to us in peace? Helen: I'm so upset by this announcement that come 10:00, I tell Philip I'm going to bed and head on upstairs to get ready. Undressing and changing into a nightgown in the bedroom, I head into the bathroom to use the john, wash off my makeup and brush my teeth. I try to imagine what it would, make that will, be like to be a man and fail miserably, I simply have no concept of what it's like for them. Shoot, I can't even remember what it's like to be flat-chested, it's been so many years since my breasts developed that the memory is totally gone. Nor can I even imagine what it's like for men with their penises and testicles hanging from their groins, it just has to be so uncomfortable for them to have those things down there. Philip: Waiting until I hear Helen come back out of the bathroom first, I head upstairs to join her now that I can also get ready for bed. Over the years, we've settled into a routine wherein I take my showers at night before bed, and she takes hers in the morning, before I even get up. After I've undressed, I grab a clean pair of underwear and head into the bathroom to first brush my teeth and then take a shower. Standing under the hot water and while I clean off, I try to imagine what life will be like as a woman and what it'll be like to have a woman's body. But I just can't do it, I have no frame of reference after all. No idea what having a pair of breasts protruding from my chest, nor of what it's like to have nothing between one's legs but a hidden opening to one's interior. Helen: Listening to Philip take his shower, I can't help but wonder what his thoughts include, we're going to have to talk about it soon, I think. I'm almost asleep by the time he makes it into bed and after our usual goodnight kiss, I roll over and try to get to sleep. My thoughts, however, are far too active as I wonder what life has in store for us now. Will our marriage survive this test? Will we, for that matter? Philip: Lying next to Helen's warm body after our goodnight kiss, I can't help but worry how she'll get through tomorrow, with me at work. For that matter, how will I get through tomorrow and will anything get done at work, or will this be all anyone talks about? Morning comes all too quickly, the short night after laying awake until past 1:00 just not enough. But I get up and head downstairs to start the coffee before I get dressed while Helen's taking her shower. Helen: While I'm taking my shower and Philip's getting dressed for work, my thoughts turn to my daughters and I can't help but wonder if I'll hear from them today. If so, I'll have to be strong for them so I'd best gather my thoughts and strength in order to help reassure them. By the time I get back into the bedroom, Philip's already downstairs drinking his first cup of coffee. With no plans to go out this morning, I just put on a clean pair of panties, a bra and drop a housedress on over my head before slipping my feet into an old pair of slippers and going down to join my husband for our morning coffee. He's still a handsome man in his business suit, in spite of his graying hair and that potbelly I've been trying to get him to lose. "Good morning, Sweety." I say as I enter the kitchen. "Sleep well?" I ask. "Oh sure, about as well as you did, I'll bet." He answers, grinning at me. "Quite a shock, isn't it" I ask. "To say the least, babe." He responds "I'm scared, Philip, really, really scared." I admit suddenly. "Me too, honey, me too. But we'll get through it, we always do." He says, trying to reassure me. "How long do you think before it gets here?" "I have no idea, maybe we'll find out during the day or tonight on the news." He says. "If only we were younger, then maybe we could deal with it more easily." "Yeah, my thought too. But with all the years we both have behind us, its going to take some doing, isn't it?" "Yes, and I don't want it at all, no matter our ages, I like being a woman and a mother." I say, feeling the tears coming to my eyes. "I know, darling, I know. I don't want to become a woman any more than you want to be a man, trust me." Philip: After we've hugged and kissed goodbye as we always do each morning, I head out to get in the car and go to work, wondering now what the mood will be like there. Being in outside sales as I am, I have just two appointments this morning before I spend the rest of the day at the office, both with long time customers, guys I've served for years. The first is just a courtesy call since they always call their orders in but I leave the second place with three good orders. Both places, my friends and I talked briefly about last night's announcement and like me, neither of them were looking forward to being girls. Once in the office, I find few of the women are happy about it either, the exception being Jackie, our resident flaming butch lesbian and a good personal friend of many, many years. She laughingly tells me in a whisper that she can't wait to throw away her strap-on dildo and to have the real thing inside her shorts, which I can't help but laugh aloud at her comment. The picture suddenly comes to mind of Helen with a male package and I almost gag at the thought. Helen: As soon as Philip's on his way to work, I begin to clean the house to help occupy my mind. Just about 10:00, Julie from next door knocks on the backdoor, coffee cup in hand as always when she comes over for our morning chat. Needless to say our discussion is of what else but the news from last night. She looks really tired and in asking her why, she says she and her husband Richard stayed up all night talking about what was on the news. "How are you guys taking it? Philip and I are scared to death." I tell her. "Well, to tell you the truth Helen, we're almost looking forward to it now. At least we were when he left for work this morning." "Really? Why? I don't want to be a man nor does Philip want to be female." "Well, we spent most of last night kidding each other about the advantages of our respective sexes, for one thing." "Advantages? Like what?" "Oh no, girlfriend, you and Philip will have to do that one yourselves. Just start thinking about all the reasons you like being a girl then tell them to him and ask him why he likes being a guy. You might be surprised." "Hmm, you're right, that could work. It'll be interesting at the very least, huh?" "Oh yes, very interesting." Philip: The afternoon passes fairly quickly and I'm able to get all my paperwork done and turned in before its time to go home. Walking down the hall after I've dropped it off, I head for the break room to get a coke from the machine and see who else is goofing off. Two of the girls are on the other side of the room talking so I sit down alone to wait for some to come in I know well enough to talk with. With but a half an hour before quitting time, I really don't care if it's spent alone actually. Helen: Sometime around 2:00, Kristin calls from her home on the West Coast. She's our oldest daughter, nearly thirty-two now and she just had their second child about five months ago, a grandson I have yet to see. When I hang up after a 30-minute conversation with her, I can't help but be amazed at the adaptability and enthusiasm of the younger generation. She told me she and her husband Bill are actually looking forward to the change. She said they always wanted a large family of at least four kids but that with the birth of her son and the complications she had during the pregnancy, they had resigned themselves to not being able to. Now, however, Bill had told her he would take over being a mom and they would have the large family they both want. She also told me not to expect to hear from Cathy, our middle child at 26, as she is out of the country on business for at least a week. Well, I'd best get dinner started before Philip gets home. No. it's Friday night and I think I'll ask him to go out for dinner instead. It will give me an excuse to get dressed up, too. Philip: Just before I leave work, I decide to call Helen and see how she's getting along and if there's anything she wants me to pick up on the way home. Hanging up the phone after talking with her, I'm happy she seems to be doing okay, I was really sort of worried about her after last night. I'm also happy she wants to go out for dinner, too. Plus, we always seem to talk better about some things away from home for some reason. The news I have to tell her should help cheer her up even more, too, about the big announcement the boss made just before we closed the office for the weekend. Picking Helen up at home, I ask her where she'd like to eat tonight. I always leave it up to her and have for years. She tells me our favorite place and I know right away why, too, we always go there when we want to talk just because it's quiet and the tables are fairly far apart. Helen: Arriving early enough to get our choice of tables, Philip asks for one off in the corner like he always does. Once we're seated and our drinks have been ordered, he asks how my day went, so I tell him about Kristin's call this afternoon. Holding my hand up to stop him from interrupting me until I've told him the whole story, I explain about she and Bill's looking forward to having more kids again. Then I ask him to tell me this big news his boss gave out before we talk more our Daughter and her husband. Philip: After the kind of surprising news about Bill and Kristin's decision, Helen insists I tell her what the Boss said before we go any further. So I do, explaining what he said are his reasons behind giving us all a two week paid vacation above and beyond the ones we already have coming, so we can better adjust to the changes we're all going to have to deal with soon. As I'd thought it would, this does excite Helen to some extent, but then she proceeds to tell me of her morning's chat with Julie. Well, that does sound as though it could prove fruitful for both of us, to kind of get an idea about what each of us sees as the positive aspects to our current sex. Helen: With the news about an extra two-week vacation, I wonder if that will be enough for Philip and I to get used to everything. But it will help, that's for sure. Especially Philip, I think he's going to have a much harder time than I will. There's just so much to being a woman he has so little knowledge about. Even putting all of the more intimate feminine considerations aside, I can't wait to see him trying to walk in high-heels or put on makeup. I'm also really happy he likes the idea I got from Julie earlier, to tell one another of the benefits we see in being the sexes we are now. I've been thinking about it all day since Julie mentioned it and have a fairly good sized list ready to tell him about. Philip: With the weekend ahead of us to talk about this darned Virus thing, I do something I've not done with Helen for years, take her dancing. We agree to spend the day tomorrow talking about it and to take tonight to celebrate being alone in the house after all these years of having kids underfoot. Thanks heavens this thing didn't happen while they were younger and still at home. Maybe I'll even get lucky tonight, we've not made love for a couple of weeks, not since before Tim left for Boot Camp. Helen: I love dancing with Philip and we've not done it for years so when he asks if I'd like to, I jump at the chance. Even though it's well after 1:00 in the morning before we get home, I feel very romantic and loving so I decide I'll wear one of my sexy nighties to bed tonight, hoping he'll get the hint. Changing into it while he turns out all the lights and locks the house up, I go into the bathroom to get ready for bed. Standing in front of the sink, I pull the top back off and look at what 30 years of marriage and three kids have done to me. While I'm only about 20 pounds heavier than I was when Philip and I got married, my breasts sag now and the stretch marks on my lower tummy would tell everyone I've had kids. All in all, though, I don't look too bad for fifty-five years old, not compared to some women I know who've really let themselves go to pot. I still look good enough that I hope he wants me tonight. Philip: Heading upstairs to get ready for bed after I've closed the house down and locked the doors, the minute I see what Helen has on I know it's my lucky night. She always wears a short nightgown to bed when she's in the mood. And she still looks good, too. Oh sure, she's a bit heavier now, and some parts of her sag a bit, but what the heck, she gave birth to our three kids and neither of us is a spring chicken any more. As soon as I'm in bed with her, I lean over and kiss her, gently at first and waiting until she parts her lips to let me know for sure she's willing. Helen: As soon as I part my lips to let Philip know for sure that I want him to make love to me, our tongues entwine and it begins, slowly and softly just like I prefer it. Then I have an inspiration: "Honey, I have an idea." I whisper after we've broken the first kiss. "Yes? And just what might that be?" he teases me. "Let's do something we've never done before. Let's try to tell each other how what we're doing feels." "Hmm, that could be interesting," he says, "Okay, I'll give it a shot." Philip: Helen's idea to attempt to explain to each other how our lovemaking feels kind of works and kind of doesn't. It's fun though and does give me some idea of what it feels to her although I'm not sure she gets much enlightenment from me. I'm not all that good with words, after all, especially when I try to tell her how things feels or make me feel. Lying awake beside Helen when we've finished is, as always a struggle but I do my best to satisfy this need I think most women have after making love. You know, to be held and told how much we love them? Not until I hear her breathing slow do I move away from her slightly, shifting into my favorite position to go to sleep. Helen: Although I really doubt that Philip, or any other man for that matter, could comprehend how it felt when he fondled and kissed my breasts, let alone how wonderful it was when he entered me, but I tried my best to tell him. And how can I even begin to imagine what it felt like for him to enter me, in spite of his vivid description, it simply doesn't relate to anything I've ever experienced. Lying in his arms after we're done, I do think it could prove fun finding out for myself though. When he finally rolls away from me, I shift around in bed, too, seeking the empty bliss of sleep after he's satisfied my need so well. Saturday comes early and far too soon for my taste after our late night last night. And as usual, he's up and downstairs well before I even wake up. Knowing I need a shower for sure this morning, I head straight for the bathroom to clean up from last night's frolic. Dressing quickly in a pair of shorts and a tee shirt, my normal Saturday garb, I head on downstairs to have coffee together. Teasing him as I normally do after we've made love, I greet him saying, "Good morning, lover." "Well, good morning to you, oh sexy one." He razzes me in return. After we've both had a couple cups of coffee and read the morning paper, I ask Philip when he'd like to start comparing benefits with me. "Benefits?" he asks. "Yes, of being either male or female, like Julie and her husband did. Remember?" "Oh yeah, it just slipped my mind, I'm sorry." "So when, now or later" I ask again. "Well, I guess we could start now, you first" he says. "Hmm, let me see now. well, we don't have to do the heavy lifting, that's what men are for." "We're stronger and taller. And we don't have to shave our legs." "We only need to do that every two or three days, but we do get to wear lighter weight clothes in the summer." "We can go topless." He says, grinning at my widely. "We needn't worry about getting hit in the groin nearly as much." "We wear our hair short of its a lot less bother." "We wear prettier underthings." "We can pee standing up." "We do less work when we're making love." Before we know it, we're both laughing crazily as we tease each other like this for a good half-hour or more. But finally we begin to get more serious as the items we bring out become ever more personal and intimate. I surprise even myself when I try to explain to Philip how nice it feels to wear a pretty dress over sexy lingerie. By the time we've run out of things and aspects to relate to each other, it's nearly noon so when he goes outside to cut the grass, I run to the store for a few things I'll need on hand for dinner tonight. While I'm walking around inside the store, absently picking up what I want, I realize something. our talk this morning has not only helped relieve my fear and apprehension about what lies ahead, it's almost helped me look forward to being a man. Especially how he described making love to a woman felt. This makes me hope he ends up being at reasonably good-looking, this thought causing to giggle to myself Philip: Cutting the grass almost automatically, I can't help but think of some of the things Helen that said this morning. About what's like to have breasts and an empty crotch in particular. Thinking seriously of all the things she spoke of, all the feelings and sensations make me wonder if becoming a woman might not be nearly as bad as I'd thought. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not looking forward to it by a long shot. But, if it's really as inevitable as they say it is, I think I might be able to accept it. +O+O+O+O+O+O+O+ Helen: Well, Philip came home sick a couple of nights ago and now I have it too. In fact, I started coughing and sneezing the very next day. I wonder. will we change at the same time or will he do so a day ahead of me. It takes four days they say, after the first symptoms. So two days or so for him and maybe three for me. People all around us either have it now or have already changed, including Tim who said the virus swept through his entire training company in just one day, and he called to tell us that he, no. make that she, is staying in the Corps and that the name he's picked out Is Kelli, with an I. Both Kristin and her husband Bill have caught it, too, as did Cathy who has also changed now and is using the name Bob, after her first boyfriend I think. Philip: While I caught this damned virus a couple of days ago, I feel like shit and wish it was over and done with. I feel so bad, in fact, that I haven't showered since I got it, and neither has Helen. Not that we can't or couldn't, we're just both too sick to care. The one thing we've felt up to talking about is clothes, what we're going to wear when it's over with. The thing Helen decided is that's good both girls and Tim left some of their things here, maybe some of their old things will fit our new bodies. Neither of us is sick enough to stay in bed with this stuff, but it's about all we can do to get up and just lay around the house all day. I know how bad Helen feels because she's stopped putting a bra on in the morning, something she's not done since Kristin was first born. I guess she's been too ashamed of how her boobs droop now since breast-fed all of our three kids. I never could get her to understand how I see this as a badge of how wonderful a Mom she was for them. Helen: About all Philip and I feel up to doing beside watching TV is talking and one subject that we discuss before going to bed this last night, our fourth since he came home sick, are the new names we might want to use. I tell him it might be a good idea knowing what to call each other in the morning since we're more than likely going to wake up in bed with a stranger. We both get a good laugh at this and I hadn't even meant it to come out so funny. "I don't know, sweety, what do you think about me going by Jillian Anne?" "Oh, that's pretty, I like it." I tell him honestly. "Now what do you think about Samuel?" "Nice, as long as you let me call you Sam?" He says, grinning at me. "Only if you let me call you Jill," I tease him back, "it takes to long to say Jillian Anne." I giggle. Later, around 11:30 and after the local news has ended, we do something else we've not done for years, walk upstairs to the bedroom arm in arm. I just wish we both felt well enough to make love one last time in these bodies we're so familiar with. If and when we ever do it again, and I sure hope we do, I'll be the man. Gosh, I really wonder what that'll be like, too. Philip: Climbing into bed with Helen one last time, tonight being the night we're supposed to undergo the change, I wish I felt good enough to have sex with one last time. I can't imagine what it will be like to be the woman when we hopefully make love next. I really wonder if I'll like it or even if I'll be able to do it. What's it going to be like to have somebody put something inside of me? A quick kiss goodnight, and wishes for good luck exchanged, we roll apart to hopefully get to sleep quickly. Sam, nee Helen: Waking up, unlike every other day in my life, happens quickly this morning. It's as though I instantly come wide-awake, with none of the feelings of the struggle it's always been. I feel different somehow, too, and I slept on my stomach as well, something I've not been able to do since I was well into puberty. Then it dawns on me, no tits! Without moving then and just out of curiosity, I try to see what else I can sense is different this morning. Hmm, no hair in my face. my feet are touching the baseboard of the bed, too, so I must be a lot taller. Sending my thoughts down to my groin area, I'm immediately aware of new and very different sensations coming from this part of me. Something are sticking to both my legs and that's not all, pressing against my stomach is a thing I can also feel my stomach pressing against, so I feel it in both places. How weird that is! The need I feel to empty my bladder is a lot more urgent than it's ever been too, and the sensation is also unlike anything I've felt before, as though it's somehow distant from the rest of my body. With this feeling getting stronger and stronger the longer I'm awake like I am now, I'd better get out of bed and into the bathroom before I have an accident. Philip and I greed to sleep in the nude last night, I wish I knew why he wanted to but I agreed. Now I think I know. the feeling of having these things between my legs is so weird, so unusual, had I worn a pair of his shorts to bed like I suggested, I wouldn't be getting the full effect I am now as these male parts dangle from the front of my groin while I walk to the bathroom. I have to laugh at myself when I start to sit down to pee, remember I no longer have to do this. Standing in front of the commode then, grasping this big thing in one hand, I try to figure how to let it go. The muscles I have to loosen seem to be different than I'm used to but soon enough, the stuff begins to shoot out from the end of it and I have to laugh aloud at how funny it feels. And when I'm done and standing over the sink brushing my teeth, the absence of the weight of my breasts feels strange but kind of nice. On the other hand, having these male parts hanging down from the front of my groin area and banging against my legs is more than slightly distracting, to say the least. Especially considering that going to the bathroom has seemingly done nothing to relieve this semi-erection I appear to have. At when I look at myself in the mirror, not only am I rather good-looking but I doubt I'm in my mid-twenties Walking quietly back into the bedroom to see if I can't find something to wear and not wake Philip in doing so, I mean Jillian Anne judging by the long reddish-brown hair that's covering his, I mean her pillow. Slowly pulling open his old underwear drawer, I get a pair of his old jockey shorts out and put them on, laughing to myself at how they feel and how my parts feel inside of them. This will be enough for the time being, I think, since we pulled all the drapes closed be we came up to bed last night. I'd better go start the coffee now, it is the man's job in our house after all. Jill, nee Philip: I began to wake up when he got out of bed next to me to go use the bathroom. I knew right away I'd changed too, just by all the hair in my face when I first started to wake up. That and the fact I'm lying on my side instead of on my stomach. While I try to come fully awake and while he's in the bathroom, even though I can tell I have to use it soon too, I try to sense all I can of the new me. With both arms in front of my face where I'm holding the pillow, about all I can sense different on my chest is that something is resting against something else, most likely my new breasts. Hmm, if one is pressing against the other, how big are they? Next and even though my keens are drawn up slightly, my feet seem to be a long way from the baseboard of the bed so I must be shorter than I was, too. Lastly and maybe most interestingly, my legs are together and I can't feel a darned thing between them. Talk about a really strange sensation, this is one. I've always felt something down there, something hanging against or sticking to something else. bot not now. When I hear Helen, I mean Sam come into the bedroom and then leave, probably headed downstairs to start the coffeepot brewing, I reluctantly crawl out of bed and I'm nearly overwhelmed by all the new sensations. First the shifting of weight on my chest as my new breasts adjust to a different position, them when I discover my feet no longer touch the floor. Good grief, how big are these things and how short am I now? Looking at my reflection in the full-length mirror on the closet door, If I still had a penis, I'd have a raging hardon. What a body! Nice big boobs, a tiny waist and an ass and hips to die for. I am a lot shorter, too, not much over five feet is my guess, maybe two or three inches at most. I could stand here admiring myself but I have to pee too badly, so it's off to the bathroom. Remembering I'm going to have to sit down to pee from now on, I do and try to let loose my stream but having no luck at first as I can't find the right muscles to let go of. And when I finally do, it fairly gushes out of my, spraying in what seems to be all directions at once and very, very loudly to boot. Looking down between my two large breasts at the void between my legs and the small inverted triangle of soft, reddish-brown curls, the absence of any external parts seems to me, at least at first, so strange. so empty. Looking then at both my news breasts before I wipe and stand back up, I notice how large my nipples are, how thick and protrubent they look to be. And at the large, dark skin that surrounds them, the areola I believe it's called. But even more than this, at least to me in this first impression, is the size of these things. And at how firm they are, standing out from my chest as they do with just the slightest amount of droop. Cupping both of them in the palms of my hands, I'm amazed by their weight, and yet they don't feel at all heavy when I stop supporting them. That's amazing! I guess that if I'm going to have to be a girl now, having a big pair of tits like these is something I should be proud of. Remembering ti wipe myself before I stand up again, I flush the commode and walk over to the sink. Looking at my reflection in the mirror above it causes me to gasp in surprise, I'm really gorgeous, even with my hair a total mess! Full, pouty lips, high and well-defined cheekbones and bright, emerald green eyes. WOW! Looking on Helen's side of the vanity beside the sink, I find her old hairbrush and use it to get rid of most of the tangles in my hair. I've watched her do this often enough to know how, but to do with these tits jiggling around on my chest like they are is something else indeed. Oh good, there's one of her hair thingies, a scrunchie I think he calls it, I think I'll use it to hold my hair up in a ponytail. There, that looks pretty good, good enough for now at least. Last night, before we went to bed, Helen went into the girl's old rooms and brought some of their old bras and panties in here to ours in case one of theirs might fit me this morning. No way though, nor will any of hers hold these twin towers of mine. She wasn't as big as I am now nor were either of our girls and Kristin wore a C cup, I see by looking at the tag. I know this wasn't Cathy's bra, Kristin always was the larger of two girls. And, since Helen wore a C cup, too, I guess I'm out of luck, I'll just have to go without a bra until we can get to the nearest exchange center. I have better luck finding a pair of panties that fit though, not sure which daughter they belonged to however. Since it's a sure bet that none of my old clothes will fit this new body, I go out to the hall and into their old room to see if I can find something that will. After looking through the things they left here, I find a pair of shorts and a sleeveless tee shirt sort of top to put on. Now to go down to join Sam and see what the man I live with and am married to looks like. I also need a cup of coffee really, really bad. Sam: As soon as I hear Jill coming down the steps, I jerk my hand out of my underwear and try to look innocent. When she comes trough the door into the kitchen and I see what she looks like now, that male thing between my legs jumps up to full attention. My gawd, she's absolutely gorgeous! And that chest! WOW. So this is how men feel when they see a pretty woman! Damnit, that thing is throbbing now, how do they stand it? "Good Morning, big boy." She says, smiling at me. "Well, good morning to you, gorgeous." I respond. But when she walks over to me, leaning forward to kiss me and I get a good look down the front of that low-cut top she's wearing, I darn near lose it altogether. What a pair of boobs she got out of this deal! "So, do you like?" she asks me knowing damn well I do. "Oh gawd, yes. Jill, you're absolutely stunningly beautiful!" I tell her. "Well thank you, sir. You're pretty darned handsome yourself." She says as she sits down across from her, her nipples up and poking so very obviously through the thin material of her top. "Fix my coffee for me, please?" Jill: As I walk downstairs, I can't help but be very aware of the jiggling of my breasts, in spite of their firmness and as well as they very empty sensation between my legs. And walking into the kitchen to see the look on Sam's face and how drop-dead handsome he is, I can't help but think we're going to make It through with these changes, maybe even with flying colors. And when I walk over to kiss him good morning, intentionally leaning well forward to give him a good shot down the front of the top I have on, the glow I get from tempting him feels more than a little nice. But when he gets up to fix my coffee and I get my first glimpse of the size of the package he has in his shorts, I feel myself getting a bit wet down there and my nipples get hard again, too. It's easy for me to see how much I've affected him, too, his erection is very obvious inside his underwear. I have no idea on earth how the rest of being a woman is going to go but I have a sneaking feeling the sexual aspect of it's going to be pretty good. Surprising myself with this thought, I realize my entire orientation's changed and that I suddenly find myself very attracted to a man. "Well, it appears we both made it to the other side okay." He says as he brings my cup to the table. "Boy, doesn't it though?" I say. Then, just to tease him some more, I cup both my breasts and look down at them, saying, "Can you believe the size of these things?" "Will you stop that? You're already driving me crazy, Jill." He pleads. "Yes, I noticed." I grin at him. "Looks like you came out of this okay, too." "Yeah, I know. The darned thing is huge." He says "How huge is it?" I tease him. "I don't know, sweety, wanna measure it for me?" he razzes me back. "Darned right I do, I want to know what I'm getting out of this deal, don't you?" I ask. "Yeah, I guess I do at that.' He says. "Then go get your tape measure and we'll find out." When he returns with it, I tell him to stand right in front of me where, unable to take my eyes off the big bulge in his shorts, I pull them down to his knees. Oh my gawd, he really is huge! Reaching over with one hand, I wrap it around his erection and for the first time in my life, hold a man's cock in my hand that's not my own. I know my hands are a lot smaller now but good grief,, how long and how thick is he? Fondling him a bit to make absolutely sure he's fully erect, I take the tape and lay it against his cock, finding he's a good seven inches long. WOW! Laying it across him, I see he's almost two inches thick, too. I can't help but wonder if I'll even be able to take him inside of with it hurting me. Sam: When Jill's done measuring me and tells me how big my cock is, I find it hard to believe, too. I'll have to make really sure she's ready to take me before I try to enter her so I won't hurt her in any way. "Okay girl, now it's your turn. Take your top off so I can see how big those things are." I tell her. And when she's removed it and I see her boobs for the first time in all their naked glory, it damn near takes my breath away, they're that damned magnificent. "Now turn so your back is to me and let me put the tape measure just underneath of them. Okay, 34". Now if you'll place it on top of the fullest part of your breasts.. Wow, 38+ inches, that puts you between a D and a DD cup." "Do I have to put my top back on now?" she asks me, teasing me with her eyes. "Oh, so you're going to be a teasing wench, are you?" I ask her. "Only for you, honey, only for you." She says, as she pulls it back on over her head. "So, when do we start packing up some of our old things so we can take them in for exchange?" "Any time you want to get started." I answer. "Then let's go get started when we've had another cup or two of coffee and we'll take a shower and clean up after we get enough things packed up we'll be able to get by for a few days, okay?" she asks me. Jill: The emotions running through my mind while we finish up the coffee are new and totally different in some respects. As much as I enjoyed teasing Sam, the thought of going to bed with him and making love still frightens me. As much as the thought of doing so, of having him inside of me is admittedly arousing, it's also rather scary. I am kind of small, even for a girl and I don't even know if I'm a physical virgin or not, let alone if my vagina will stretch enough to accept his larger than average penis inside of me there. I do find it both surprising and fascinating that I'm so attracted to him, though. Let alone that I really do want to sleep with him. And at how it feels when I'm even slightly aroused in this female body. I never realized or for that matter knew that girls were so quickly and easily aware when their nipples get hard, but I do now. And of course I hadn't the slightest idea what it feels like down and between a girls legs when she gets even slightly aroused and wet. For that matter, I still haven't the slightest idea what it will feel like when we actually do start making love. Based on what Helen told me that last time we did it, it's going to be pretty damned incredible. First things first, however, we have to finish packing some of our old clothes up so we can take them in and exchange them. These are among the few things the girls' left here that will fit me and it's a sure bet I don't want to wear any of Helen's old things, not at the age I am now. There, I'm all done packing, four big boxes of my old clothes are ready to go and now for that shower I need so badly. Sam: I'm still working on filling my second box when Jill finishes all four of hers, having just tossed most of her things into them instead of carefully folding them first. Then it dawns on me, they're going to wash or dry-clean everything before they give it out so I just may as well do what she did and simply pile my things into the boxes, too. I do stop and watch her undress though, down to her skin as she gets ready to take a shower. I wonder if Jill fully realizes what a magnificent specimen of femininity she is? If not, I'm darn sure going to do my best to make sure she does. Folding the lids of my last box together a few minutes later, I begin taking all of them downstairs and out to the garage to load them into the car. I still can't help but be surprised at how much stronger men are than women, these boxes aren't at all heavy to me. Then it's back upstairs to see if Jill's out of the shower yet. I need one too and I'd like to get to the exchange center before all the decent clothes have been picked over. Oh good, she's done and standing in front of the bedroom mirror with a towel around her. It's funny, too, how she's wrapped it above her breasts like woman do instead of just around her waist. Jill: Stepping into the shower after turning the water on and getting it adjusted is something of a thrill, the water hitting all the parts of me I didn't have the lest time I cleaned up. Standing with my back to the showerhead, I reach down to pick up the soap. Yes, I know girls use those spongy things when they wash but not this time, not just yet. First, I want to take this opportunity to do a little bit of self-exploration. I've already stuffed all my hair into one of Helen's shower caps so it won't get wet so standing where the water can hit the back of my neck first, I let it flow down over my shoulders and across these wondrous breasts I was so lucky to get. Now to soap them up. oh wow, this feels so darned good. They're so soft and still, at the same time, so firm and just rubbing the soap over them feels so nice. Putting the soap back down and using just my hands, I run them all over my boobs and especially over my already hard nipples, the areola that surrounds them all crinkled up and tight, too. Not bothering to rinse them off first, I pick the soap back up and use it to wash this flat little tummy of mine next. Then, my very intense curiosity about be satisfied, I stand with my feet apart and rub the soap between my legs, soaping up my pussy and pubic hair until I have a nice, thick lather going down there. Does it feel weird to not have my male package down there? You bet it does, really strange after all those years but, on the other hand, what's there now in it's place feels awfully good too. Just standing here for a minute, my feet spread and holding my pussy in my cupped hand, I must admit almost feels even better than the cock and balls I used to have. Now using only a couple of my fingers, I begin to explore this part of myself, still so very new and hidden from my view at least in this standing position. My lips or labia, that part further back where I slide my fingers further inside and locate the entrance to my innermost parts. Above this and right below where my slit starts, I find what can only be my clitoris, based on the very pleasurable electric-like shocky tingle I get when I first touch it. Pressing my fingers to one side of it, I rub it gently back and forth and the sensations I get in return are really incredible. Wow, so this is how it feels to masturbate as a girl? Out of the shower before I go too far with this, I dry off and wrap a towel around myself as I've seen Helen do so many times, above my breasts, and then I head back to the bedroom to get dressed again. Sam comes up the stairs just as I walk into our bedroom so I wait till he's in the bathroom before I take the towel off. I just got all nice and clean and I don't want to get sweaty again by jumping into bed with him, at least not until later tonight. I see he's already taken all our boxes downstairs and I hope he's loaded them into the car, too. I'm really kind of anxious to get these old clothes exchanged and see what sort of things they have there I'll like. Plus I'm getting hungry, too. Going back across the hall and into the girls' room again, I look through their things to see if one of them may have left a skirt that'll fit me and maybe an old pair of their shoes. As for not having a bra I can wear, I think I'll just wear a short-sleeved or sleeveless blouse over this tee-top, which should work okay to cover my boobs enough. Sam: I just couldn't help myself when I finally got around to washing my new male parts, it felt so good I ended up jacking off in the shower, man-o-man, talk about an experience! Then I got out as quickly as I could and stood in front of the sink still naked to shave my face for the first time. At first, it was fun then I find out first-hand why Philip always seemed to end up with a nick here or there on his face. Oh well, it's such a small price to pay when compared to having to shave my legs all the time. Wrapping a towel around my waist, happy I don't have any boobs I have to cover up any more, I leave the bathroom to go get dressed. Hey, I recognize that skirt Jill's wearing, it's one I bought Cathy for her 18th. Birthday. She looks good in it, too, it really shows her legs off well. And that's one of my old blouses she's wearing too, over another tee-top she had to get from the girls' room. Good, I'm glad she thought to cover up the fact she's not wearing a bra, those big nipples of hers are really obvious if she's not wearing one. As soon as I find a pair of Philip's old pants I can wear, and a shirt, I slip a pair of his sandals on to wear with them and we're ready to go. On the way to the center to trade some of our old clothes in for new ones, I ask Jill if she thinks she'll need my help with anything. "Not really, honey. I think, after being married for as long as we have been, I have at least some idea of what sort of things you wore." Jill: Having spent a good two hours looking through all the clothes at the exchange center, I finally got enough stuff together to fill out my ticket, I mean to say to get back the full worth of what I traded in. I got my first taste of what may be the only disadvantage of being so fully developed above the waist, very few women, at least so far, with a chest like mine have traded many clothes in. I could only find three bras, for instance, and one of them is a sports bra. no full-length slips and only two camisoles. Sam says it looks like I'll have to go shopping to get the things I need in my sizes. But at least I have a few things now, including the outfit I'm about to put on so we can go get something to eat. One of the bras, of course, panties, a half-slip and camisole to wear under a really pretty, thin summer dress that's a light shade of green with tiny dark green leaves for trim. Oh, I was able to find a good selection of shoes though, that's actually how I filled my ticket. These panties are a bright pink color and made of a satiny kind of material so when I step into them and pull them up and on, the feel of them is a lot different than the cotton ones I wore earlier. They're small, too, the style of them I mean, hipsters Sam called them. The bra is fairly straightforward, as bras go, fully cut cups and `sturdy', if you understand my meaning. But it does fit me and as soon as I have it hooked behind me and Sam's helped me adjust the shoulder straps to fit most comfortably, does hold my breasts nicely. At least now they won't jiggle so much or bounce around on my chest all the time. I also picked up a couple packages of brand new panty hose in the size I need, according again to Sam and tearing one pack open, I sit down on the edge of the bed to put them on. After all the years watching Helen put these on, I have very little trouble doing it myself and when I have them on all the way, wonder why she hated them so much, I just love how they feel. The slip and camisole feel nice, too, and after I've dropped the dress on and have zipped it up behind my back, I slip my feet into the two inch, high heels I found and walk over to the mirror to check myself out. Nice, really nice, but I think I'll try to wear my hair down and see if I can't find a shade of Helen's old lipstick I can wear, too. Sam: It took me a lot less time to get dressed than it does Jillian, of course, I don't have to do all the stuff she has to do to get ready, not any more. But wearing these clothes. shoes and socks, pants and a shirt to go out to eat with her, sure as heck feels a lot different. And it's sure still going to take a lot of getting used to before I'm not constantly aware of my male `package'' as Jill calls it. I can't cross my legs like I always have anymore and just walking around doing whatever, I cant help but be constantly aware they're there. Wearing underwear is of some help, sure, but their presence is always on my mind. That Jill is such a gorgeous young woman isn't helping either, it seems like I have a perpetual erection any time she's around. I sure hope the signals I'm getting from her mean what I think they do. that she wants to make love as much as I do. And she's such a tease, too, and I think she knows it. If not, I'd better warn her before we leave on vacation or she goes back to work, or else she might find herself in a bad situation. But I really do think she knows exactly what she's doing and did from the minute she woke up. Maybe not consciously but if not, then genetically. Every move she makes and looks she gives me are so very obvious ones, meant to tease and arouse me that she just can't be doing them all in total innocence. Assuming she's not and that they are all planned and intentional, Jillian's a much more sensual and sexual woman than I ever was. Not that I mind, just the opposite, she is my wife, after all. Gawd, that sounds so funny when I say it. my wife. After all the years I was the wife, now I'm the husband and she's the wife in our marriage. Jill: We left as soon as I was ready and had gone on downstairs to find Sam sitting on the couch reading through one of my old Field & Stream magazines. He does the driving, of course, that's a husband's duty after all, I told him kiddingly. As much as I always liked to drive, it's rather nice to not have to any more. We go to a place we used to like a lot, but when we moved to the side of town we live on now, it's was just too far away. And although I ordered what was one of my favorite dishes here, I stop eating as soon as my hunger's been sated, thinking more of keeping my figure as it is now than of stuffing myself just because there's some left on my plate. I will admit, however, that the two glasses of wine were maybe one more than I should have had because when its time to leave and I stand up, the room does sway a bit and I find myself giggling more than I should. Plus, and although this could prove beneficial a bit later on, I find that drinking the wine's made me horny. For right now, however, I really have to struggle to keep my hands off of Sam, and especially off of that delicious looking bulge in his pants. It's okay though, we are married after all and for me to want my husband is all right and no one's business but ours. Damn, this bra isn't comfortable any more, I think its too small maybe. my tits hurt and it feels like it's pinching my nipples. Why do they seem to ache, I wonder? And why do I have this overpowering urge to sit with my legs apart, it's like my pussy needs air or something? Gawd, I'm really wet down there, too. Every step I take as we walk across the lot to our car I can feel my pussy lips sliding back and forth, back and forth, rubbing against each other and it feels so good, too. Sam: I think I'm going to have to keep Jill away from wine, it's doing to her exactly what our daughter Kristen told me some time ago it does to her, it makes her horny as all get out. Well, I won't really keep her away from it but only when the times aren't right. Otherwise, letting her have some could work to my advantage. You know, help me get lucky as Philip used to call it when I didn't feel like having sex. Once we get back across town and home again, judging by Jill's apparent mood, I don't think I'll waste any time trying to seduce her into bed only because that could very well spoil her mood. It's funny though, here I am a woman myself less than twenty-four hours ago, as anxious as a horny teen-ager to take my wife to bed and make mad, passionate love to her. Me, who was a woman myself such a short time ago, wanting to make love to a woman myself now. Just the thought of lying beside her in bed, both of us totally nude. of touching her, kissing her. I find it so darned hard to believe I would even want to do that to a woman. But I do... oh boy I do. Jill: Glancing across the front seat to steal a peek at Sam, I feel so very fortunate he turned out to be such a good-looking guy. He's so muscular, too, and so tall compared to me. He's almost 6 feet and I'm only 5'2" but we do make a lovely couple. And that package of his. I just hope I can handle all of him without it hurting. He's assured me I can, saying I'll stretch to take all of him, but it still kind of scares me. I sure would have never thought back before we first heard about the virus that I'd ever be thinking about accepting a man between my legs, let alone inside of me. But just the memory of this morning when I measured that lovely thing of his is enough to make my mouth water, so to speak. Thinking about it, about how it felt when I held it in my hand, it's length, the size of his big balls, and I get all wet again. Now I know what girls have meant when they used the phrase, "creaming their jeans". I hope he doesn't want to mess around first, I'm ready to go straight to bed with him. After I pee first, that is. I've had to pee since we got to the restaurant but have been easily able to hold it, something I could have never done as a guy. Not only didn't I want to use a public bathroom, I just didn't want to go to the bother of pulling down my pantyhose and panties to squat on a commode who knows who sat on it last and then to have to pull them both back on again. I'll just hold it till I get home and can just go ahead and take them off. As soon as we're home and he's opened the door, I kick my shoes off and run on upstairs. Once I'm sitting on the john, I take my hose the rest of the way off and toss them on top of the dirty clothes hamper. Wiping carefully, I pull my panties back on and let my dress fall into place when I flush and stand back up. Sam's already getting undressed when I get into our bedroom and very casually, I follow suit. Unzipping and stepping out of my dress, I hang it back up in the closet and walk over to the dresser where I remove my slip and camisole, folding them carefully before putting them away in a drawer. Left now with only my bra and panties, I go lean against the doorjamb and strike what I think is a suggestive pose, hoping he'll catch the hint I'm trying to give him. Sam: Undressing slowly, killing time if you will, I watch Jill undress and I think she's doing the exact same thing to me, teasing me with the slow, deliberate way she's taking her clothes off too. You see, I think we're both well aware of the pattern we'd fallen into before the virus, maybe the result of having been married for so long. When we knew we were going to have sex together, we just got into bed and did it. Oh there were times we played around first but they were few and far between, I guess as the years built up we just got to know each other so well, we no longer felt the need to bother. I think that's when the excitement began to fade. Yeah, I guess we're kind of doing the same thing now, knowing full well we're going to make love tonight, but we're able to add to it now by sort of seducing each other until the perfect time comes into being and we just crawl all over each other. I hope, though, that I'll be able to make it really good for her, she deserves that much from me. When I'm down to just my jockey shorts and only then, I take notice of her standing by the door and of the obvious pose she's struck. Walking over to her, I just reach out toward her with both arms and wait for her. Jill: Watching while Sam finished undressing, I feel myself wanting him more and more and I wonder if he can see how wet my panties are or if he can maybe smell the musky scent of my arousal, like I can? There, he's done now. looking down to his crotch, it's easy for me to see how much he wants me too, his erection obvious to me and I find the feeling seeing him so aroused and knowing it's because he wants me, gives me a glow of pride. Oh good, he's walking over here. okay girl, here we go. it's time! Holding his arms out toward me, I literally jump into them, throwing mine around his neck and I bend my neck to tilt my head up so we can kiss. I keep my lips together only until I can stand it no longer, then part them and press my tongue between his lips and into his mouth, using Helen's old `signal' to tell him I'm ready and that I want him. Oh gawd how I want him! I can feel his hardness pressing against my stomach and I press my chest against his in response, flattening my breasts against him. His hands are all over my back, my ass, and then up to my back again where he starts to fumble with the hooks of my bra, opening them and setting my boobs free. Turning so my back is to him, I openly invite him to touch them. His hands come around me to grasp them and just the feel of him touching them sends shivers up and down my back, it feels so wonderful. "Mmm, that feels good." I murmur. "You like this do you, me playing with them?" he asks facetiously. "You know it, honey." I admit. "But let's not waste too much time, okay?" "Okay, turn around again and I'll take your panties off, then you can take mine off." Just moments later, we're totally nude and in bed together, kissing again. Lying beside me Sam's fondling my left breasts and tugging on it's nipple, then he whispers, "I want this to be really good for both of us, honey, so let me do all the work, okay? I know exactly what to do to help you enjoy it the most." Sam: The total abandon with which Jill comes to me tells me all I need to know, she's as ready to make love as I'd thought and wants me as much or more than I want her. Then I got all the confirmation I could have wanted or needed when I removed her panties and saw the tiny droplets of moisture glistening among her pubic hairs. And the look on her face when she pulled my underwear down and my cock sprang out of them in full erection was one of pure and total desire. I just can't keep my hands of her beautiful big tits, either, they so soft to the touch and yet so firm. And gawd, those nipples of hers! They have to be at least an inch long when they're fully hard like they are now, it's amazing. After telling her I'm going to make her feel really good, I lift up slightly and begin kissing them, slowly pulling my tongue across their soft skin but always stopping just short of her nipples. At the same time, I'm grazing the tips of my fingers across her flat tummy and down along the tops of her legs, all the while avoiding coming too close to her pussy. Jill: What Sam is doing to me right now it just to delicious for words. he licking my tits and just barely touching other parts of me with the tips of his fingers. It's like he's playing my body like it's a violin or something and let me tell you. my strings are getting wound up really, really tight, too. My boobs are starting to kind of ache and I can feel my pussy getting warmer and warmer. My eyes are closed tight so I can't see him or what he's doing, only feel him lying next to me. Ooo, now he's kissing my nipples. now he's sucking on them.. Oh my gawd, it feels so damned good! I find myself parting my legs without even thinking of doing it, more as though they spread apart of their own volition. I feel him moving closer now. and I lift my right leg slightly to put it between his, his long, hard erection pressing now against my hip. Now his hand's coming closer to my pussy, playing with my hairs. now he touching the inside of my thigh. oh please Sam please. YES, he's finally holding me there, his hand cupped around it and squeezing me. Now I can feel his finger, he playing with my lips. oh yeah, yeah. Sam: Teasing her by touching her lightly only works for so long, I know this personally, and then the time comes to be more direct. When I finally cupped Jill's pussy in the palm of my hand, the way she squirmed under it told me all I needed to know. And to make matters worse, if here can be such a thing when a man's making love to his woman, my cock seems to get even harder. Gawd, so this is what it's like when a man wants to make love. how do guys stand this need, this so very intense need? Moving a finger up and down along the length of her pussy lips, I carefully part the hairs beneath it to gain further access to her. Once there, between her swollen, wet lips, I slowly slide my finger back and forth along the length of her slit but carefully stopping just short of her clit, which I know is extremely sensitive right about now, saving it for the time being. Then I touch her there, too and the strength with which she reacts is amazing, this is one hot little lady I'm married to. man is she hot! Jill: All my conscious attention is