Sorting out Part 4 Ruth s Party
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Sorting Out: Part 1 free porn video
Sorting Out: Part 1
By Margaret Rene Claire
I have always wondered if anyone hearing about this personal
story of mine will ever believe that these events really did
happen in these ways. But, they are true, and the truth is, I
spent much of my formative years (from age 4 through 10) in
significant gender confusion. I was raised as a young boy in the
1960's with two sisters and no brothers. I had the controlling
and strong-influencing impact of my older sister of 5 1/2 years.
I had a little sister 5 years younger. I had a loving, but
sometimes quirky, mother who allowed my older sister carte
blanche in dressing-up and pretend-play. And I had the "always-
intense" and usually distant father who wasn't around much.
Much of the first 6-7 years of dressing in girls' clothes was
under the leading of my older sister in a very safe and non-
threatening environment. The next 4-5 years through high school,
dressing episodes were few and far between. During 4 years of
high school there were just three instances, and then came my
introduction to a brand new form of dressing-up while dating in
grad school. Then it quieted down in the first 2-3 years of
marriage, but came back in after we moved to the west coast. I
know with absolute certainty that I have never been attracted
toward men in any way. I had all kinds of different relationships
with dozens of girls in junior high and high school. I was very
active in college dating, and today I remain very much in love
with my wife of nearly 20 years. We have great kids and I am very
happy being both husband and dad.
But the way my body seems to function, my physical reactions that
change each month, the way my moods swing through the month, and
my strong attraction to the everyday variety clothes in a woman's
wardrobe, all have left me wondering if maybe I ended up with
some kind of residual female hormones operating in me. The early
years of gender confusion certainly made their mark and brought
female clothing and role-playing into my life on a very regular
basis. And I know now, looking back, that these clothes always
provided me with a significant level of retreat, a great calming
effect, during some very a hard and emotionally draining 14 years
growing up, from age 5 through age 18. Writing some of it down
helps me think it through in new ways, bringing me to terms with
who I am today.
Early Memories: Growing up on the east coast in the early-to-mid
1960's was quite unique. My sister was 5 years older and my other
sister was 5 years younger. So, during my ages of 4-10, my
younger sister was really little, and my older sister was age 9-
16. My mother was a full-time homemaker and my dad was gone early
every morning and came home from work in the early evening. Our
schools were on half-day sessions, so for 1st through 6th grade I
went to school in the afternoon and was home all morning with my
mom and my sisters. I remember my parents fought a lot, and the
house was always very intense when he was home. I remember very
clearly that I wanted to be near the peace and quiet of just my
mom and sisters, and away from the harsh words and intense anger
that often defined my dad and how he treated to my mom and me and
my sisters. I didn't really look up to him at all, and had no
brothers, but I did always admire my mom and her very strong and
caring interest in me and my sisters, so I naturally liked being
around her in the mornings.
My older sister kind of took me under her wing, whether with what
radio station I listened to or her choice of records to buy, or
how she arranged her room...I looked to her in many ways as a
role model, and she was always a kind and nurturing big sister.
My father left the house very early each morning, and I was home
with my mom and two sisters until around 12 noon, and a typical
day started like this. In the morning after breakfast I remember
I would regularly watch my mom in her bathrobe go up to her room
and to her dresser and lay out her clothes for the day. She'd
take panties, slip, bra, garter belt and stockings (remember,
this is like 1963-64) from her dresser and then choose a dress or
skirt and blouse or sweater from her closet. I would sit on the
bedroom reading chair and watch her and ask about her clothes and
why she wore certain items and boys didn't. She'd lay these on
her bed and I would sit and cover my eyes when she took off her
bathrobe and nightgown until she was almost finished dressing.
And then she would sometimes ask me to help zip up the back of
her dress, or do buttons on the back of a blouse or on the
sleeves. She would always ask things like, "Do you like pretty
clothes like these?" I would touch the clothes and watch her fix
her skirt or adjust her slip, and answer, "Yes, I like these, but
they're different from boys' clothes." Then she would comb her
hair in her mirror and clip on some earrings and do her lipstick
and perfume routine. As I stood at her side and watched her
closely, she usually asked me to pick out a pair clip-on earrings
for my own ears, and she'd brush my hair, and then have me perk
my lips and she put her lipstick on me. She now and then even
sprayed on some perfume and then brushed my hair some more. It
was all very innocent I'm sure. It started out small like this,
but over time it would gradually go further and further.
My older sister used to really be into playtime and "make-
believe". I have early memories of she and one of her friends
playing in her room, and they'd ask me in (I was around 4). Then
10 minutes later I was in tights and a few slips playing some
dress-up game with them. By the time I was 5 I was looking
forward to kindergarten, but my parents opted to keep me home one
more year, and this was the year that dressing up started
happening on an almost daily basis. My older sister began
dressing me at first once or twice a week when she was home in
the morning (she also went to school in the afternoon), and we
would play all kinds of games that she designed. But in short
time it was almost every day (like a routine), and often for the
entire morning before she left for school, and sometimes I'd stay
dressed until 1 or 2 in the afternoon with just my mom and baby
sister at home. When she was in 5th grade, I was not in school
but when she was in 6th I was in 1st. Her 7th and 8th grade years
I was in 2nd and 3rd grade, and then she went to high school and
it was just me and my mom and little sister at home in the
mornings.
My older sister would pretend I was either her little sister, or
she was the mother and me and my little sister were her
daughters, or she was the school-teacher and we were her pupils.
Or she was a fashion designer and we were the models for the
fashion show. She would bring me to the basement where my mom had
2 big black steamer trunks, and a half dozen garment bags, full
of clothes that both my mom and she had outgrown or no longer
wore. It started out usually with just a dress over my own shirt
and with my pants rolled up underneath (so my legs would show),
and with my own socks and shoes.
But gradually over periods of time she had me take off my socks
and shoes and then I'd wear lacey ankle socks and girl's shoes.
Then, over time, I eventually took my pants off under the dress
and just had boxers on underneath (so my legs would show). The
next step was when she added a ruffled half-slip under the dress.
A few times after that she had me wear a full slip over the half-
slip as well. Once I got used to that, over time she switched me
from socks to white stretch lace tights over my boxers. The only
thing I was wearing of my own were my plaid boxers.
So, I can remember distinctly the day she proposed that I not
wear my boxers any more under the tights, and I knew what was
coming next. I'm not sure why panties are somehow seen as such a
profound step in dressing up, and I had seen the many different
colored panties in the steamer trunks lots of times, but had not
worn them. She explained that I shouldn't let mom see me in them
(for reasons I didn't question) and so it began, I started
wearing panties under the tights every time we played together.
And there were all kinds. Some were pastel colored and satin
(probably polyester). Some were flowered prints. Others had 5 or
6 rows of lace all across the entire backside. Some were loose
fitting, and others were stretchy and fit very tight. Dress-up
time had now become 3 or 4 hours, maybe 3 or 4 mornings per week,
playing around the house completely dressed in panties, tights,
slips, a dress (or a blouse and jumper), and girls' shoes.
As a 5th or 6th grader, she was really into fantasy role-playing.
I think back and realize that it was innocent enough and it never
got weird in any way, and there was never anything sexual about
it at all. But she used to tell me that dressing up was not to be
discussed with anyone outside our family. Many mornings I would
get dressed right after breakfast and stay dressed until I
changed to leave for school. She always had a girl's name for me
too (and my younger sister), and it changed all the time, as did
her "play-time" name. And I remember it all started in total
secrecy from my mom, where my sister would have to hide me in her
closet when my mom came into her room or down to the basement
where we were playing.
But then one day my mother walked in on us by surprise in my
sister's bedroom and there I was, sitting in the chair, wearing a
dress and tights and shoes. I remember I froze and thought I
would be in a lot of trouble. Well...with my clip-on earrings
form my mom's jewelry box, and some lipstick and perfume from
watching my mom get dressed, it turns out that she had the exact
opposite reaction. She smiled, laughed a bit, and said I looked
darling ...and, well, we just kept playing while Mom went about
her business, and that was that!
My sister seemed relieved, and so after that day it became very
"normal" to be completely dressed watching my mom and my older
sister making things on the sewing machine together, or baking,
or doing dishes. A few times, I was the dress-model when they
were working on a new sewing project. So when she pinned fabric
or hemmed the skirt-line, I was standing on the chair wearing the
garment as they worked on it.
Being home every morning, especially on rainy days, or cold snowy
days, it was a total non-reality world, and my older sister
always had different girls' names for me and for my younger
sister too as she got older. But I have to admit this...what I
liked most about it was how safe and secure it was. My mom and
dad had a very rough relationship and fought almost all the time.
He used to threaten her with divorce many times over the years
when they would have a big argument. He yelled and she screamed
back at him while me and my sisters usually took cover upstairs.
But weekday mornings were fun, playful, and pretty mush
carefree...mom was very happy and in a great mood. I think I used
the girl's name, the girl's clothes, and somehow being a
different person to step out of the constant arguing and
bickering that defined our house. I helped with dusting and
vacuuming, or baking in the kitchen. My sister and I did the
dishes together. I helped hang the laundry...When I did the
dishes, my sister or my mom would have me wear a ruffled apron
and say I shouldn't get my dress dirty. My mom even taught me how
to use her sewing machine...and most of my mornings I did all
these activities in panties, tights, a slip and dress, and flat
or slightly heeled shoes, with some of my mom's lipstick and
perfume and clip-on earrings.
I was taking piano lessons from my mom (once a week) and had 30
minutes of practice every day. Many times my older sister and I
would be right in the middle of playing house or school or movies
or something, and my mom would call me for my lesson. I would
normally get undressed, or not even dress up on the days of my
lesson. But in time I would just get in girl's clothes after
breakfast and be upstairs in my sister's room playing, or in the
basement, and my mom would say, "let's go, in here right now,
time for your lesson". So I'd be in a dress and all, and she
would say, "we don't have time to wait for you to change, so have
a seat, and let's get started, you can change afterward." I sat
at the piano in a dress and tights and shoes and all, and she did
my piano lesson as usual. My mom made a big deal out of saying
kind of teasing things to me like, "Nice girls hold their wrists
like this when they play the piano" or "be careful your slip
isn't showing when you sit on the piano bench".
That really got me thinking about what I must really look like
when all dressed up. Dressing in girls' clothes was certainly NOT
the "boy" thing to do. And I'm sure others would see this as very
weird, but at the time it was really just how we did things. I
had felt somewhat awkward early on, and knew I would be totally
embarrassed if my friends ever saw me...but on the other hand, I
also felt very comfortable in a slip and tights and a dress and
enjoyed the "make-believe" world where there really were no
troubles. My older sister was really friendly to me and she and I
and my mom would take care of my little sister together and bake
and sew. Well, it was obviously not reality, but I think we all
enjoyed it. The only hitch was when my dad would come home
unannounced to pick something up quickly and then leave. My older
sister would hide me in her closet or in the basement until he
left. I think we all knew I was not to be seen by my dad dressed
like a girl.
Once my older sister hit 9th grade in high school, she went to
school in the morning sessions and was busy with cheerleading or
jobs in the afternoon. But I was still only in 4th grade and home
all morning with my mom and younger sister (who was in an
afternoon kindergarten class). But I continued to play the same
dress-up games with my younger sister once or twice a week, and
my mom just allowed it to keep going. We still role-played that I
was the schoolteacher and she was my pupil, or my mom now had her
"two little daughters" with her when she was sewing or baking.
The weirdest thing is that many times we role-played that I was
my older sister. It's like I somehow took over for her place as
she moved along and grew up past this time.
But as I was growing older, two things happened. I started
feeling that all this dress-up should probably end sometime soon,
and that it might not be "right", so we didn't do it every day of
the week. But I struggled deeply with my strong (and seemingly
natural) desire to wear panties and tights and slips and dresses.
I had always heard my friends who were boys say that girls were
sissies, and they wore sissy clothes, and all that classic
stereotyping. So I played right along in those public forums. But
inside, I knew I loved wearing a ruffled slip with white lace
tights and a pink flowered dress.
So I did all the "right" things in public. I was active in little
league baseball in the summer, City league basketball during the
fall and winter months, and played with GI Joe's, Hot Wheels,
Johnny Lightning cars, built all kinds of plastic models, and
outside the house I hung out with boys and did all the boy
things. We built forts, rode bikes, traded bubble gum cards, and
played tackle football. And I was always very attracted to girls,
and have never been (right to this day) attracted to guys at all!
And I know I didn't act feminine when outside the house...I was
just one of the guys with my guy friends. But weekday mornings,
or Saturdays when my parents went out or to visit older relatives
for the day or to a wedding, those times I would be dressed up in
the house playing games with my sisters.
Sometime in mid 5th grade my younger sister and I were playing in
the basement, and we went rummaging around in a new garment bag
of my older sister's clothes from 7-8th grades. Gone were the
frilly little dresses. This bag had all kinds of skirts and
blouses, and fitted dresses. No more little pairs of colored
tights, now there were tan and white stockings and an off-white
stretch garter-belt. I never understood it, but my mom saved all
this stuff and organized the clothes in these garment bags. As
adults, my younger sister and I have often asked, "What was she
saving that stuff for?" In the bottom of the garment bag there
was even a pile of neatly folded satin panties, bras, hose, and
slips that my mom and my older sister had worn with these
clothes, and 5 or 6 pairs of shoes. Well I looked carefully
though it all and laid some items on the sewing table. I felt
like this was definitely a 'step up" for me to older girl's
clothes. Say what you will, but I really wanted to try it all on,
right then, right away.
My sisters and I used to watch "Get Smart" with Don Adams and all
his disguises (remember agent 86 always in a disguise?), or the
Soupy Sales Show or Flip Wilson (he used to dress as Geraldine).
I remember seeing the Art Linkletter Show - when one game had
some young boys (around 10-11 years old) being asked, "to obey
their mom no matter what". The boys were in room with a closed-
circuit TV camera and a dress was on a hanger, and a wig and
underwear and shoes were on the table. The phone rang and their
mom was on the phone and she then asked them to put on all the
clothes as a favor to her and that she'd be by to pick him up in
4 minutes. The audience then howled as the cameras showed whether
the boys would listen or not. I think something like 4 of the 5
boys in the stunt, did dress up in the clothes (3 put the stuff
on over their clothes, and 1 kid stripped to his jockeys and put
on everything)...so we played our own versions of these. In our
game I would usually dress up in a girl "disguise" to hide from
or catch the bad guys, or to fool someone in our make believe
game.
I still clearly remember trying these new things on for the first
time. I felt like I shouldn't...like maybe I was going a bit too
far...that somehow this was going way beyond some cute little
dress-up play-time with my older sister. But it seemed fine for
me to try these clothes on for myself. And (I often hate to admit
it) I had really become used to wearing girls' clothes for almost
five years by that time. They felt very natural to wear. And it
seemed innocent enough, and again, there was nothing sexual going
on. I had no desire to become a girl. I wasn't attracted to guys
in any way, shape or form, and I always liked girls in my class.
And had girlfriends throughout elementary school, so I felt like
all was fairly normal in the public life, and this was just
private playtime fun.
I can still remember when I picked up the garter belt and some
dark tan stockings, and a pair of shiny black patent-leather
heeled slip-on pumps. I rummaged around the underwear and picked
out a white full-slip with satin straps, and lace on the chest
and the hem. I looked through the many panties and chose a pair,
and then I went to the other side of the basement and got out of
my clothes. I put on the panties and then hooked the garter belt
around my waist over the panties. I pulled on the stockings and
hooked them to the garter tabs (just like I'd seen my mom do
hundreds of times). And then I pulled the full-slip over my head
and down onto my body. It was the first time I wore a slip that
had cups on the chest, and they laid all bunched up against my
flat chest. There were two bras back in the garment bag (one
white and the other an off-white ivory). After I paused for a
moment (I think my mom was sitting at her sewing table) the
curiosity was too much, so I walked over and quietly picked up
the off-white bra and headed back over to the red chair and sat
down. I slid the top of the slip down to my waist and put my arms
through the bra straps and reached around behind and did the
hooks. I rolled up my socks and put them into the cups and pulled
the slip's straps back over my shoulders. The bra filled out the
slip's top and I really liked how it looked and felt.
I put on a dark green velvet skirt with matching black belt. I
think it was my sister's Christmas outfit from Jr. High years. It
was matched with a white long-sleeved polyester blouse that
buttoned up the back. I couldn't do the buttons so I walked
around to where my Mom was sewing and asked if she would button
me up in back. When I turned around she obviously saw the two
sets of straps on my shoulders and she commented something kind
like, "you're not wearing one of your sister's old bras are you?"
I remember saying something like I was trying to be funny to
laugh it off. But, that was that and she buttoned me up. I went
back to look in the mirror and my mom didn't say anything else
about it.
Given all that she had allowed us to do for dress-up over the
years, she didn't seem to make anything of it, so that was that.
I do remember that morning though that she did ask me how much
longer my sister and I would play dress-up...and I knew she meant
that this fantasy playtime around the house would someday be
coming to an end. I leaned against the table and she sat back
down and she looked me over from head to toe (heels to blouse). I
had on panties, garter belt with stockings, bra, full slip, skirt
and blouse, and heels. She said something like, "it seems like
it's been a lot of fun for you kids to play together with all
these clothes...and I think it's pretty harmless."
I said something like, "Yeh, it's been fun."
She then said, "I have really liked having you at home in the
mornings to spend time with me, and I always thought it was fine
to let you and your sisters have some fun dressing you up like
this." She finished by saying something about all of us kids
growing up and we'd be leaving the house soon enough and she
would miss these days.
I do remember very specifically asking her right then if she
thought I looked pretty stupid wearing all of my older sister's
old clothes, and she made a very telling response...something
like, "No, I've been used to it for some time now and it's always
seemed innocent enough." "In fact, you kids always look so cute
when you have your dress up fun."
After I tucked the blouse into the skirt I was completely amazed
with the new look and feel of having on a bra, and having the
image of a small bust show through the blouse. I went upstairs
immediately to the downstairs bathroom to look in the mirror. I
had a whole new look, and felt really different about dressing
up. Walking in the heels took some getting used to. The stockings
were very smooth and felt wonderful on my legs (I had absolutely
no leg-hair at all) and the tug of the garters with each step was
a new feeling too. I remember thinking that this is how women (my
mom, my teachers at school, my older sister in high school,
ladies at church, women who work at the library) feel all the
time every day, and that guys never know about this aspect of
dressing in these clothes. And of course the bra tightly fitted
on my chest took getting used to. But, in the mirror my look from
the neck down was unreal. I had very skinny shoulders and rail-
thin arms, a very slender waist and legs. From the neckline down,
there was no way to tell I was anything other than a young pre-
teen girl. I could see the lace of the slip showing through the
white blouse in front, and two sets of straps were also showing
through the blouse on my shoulders.
As I was standing there in this dressy Christmas outfit, I
remember distinctly that I first became interested in thinking
about the next possible step: to see if I could have my face and
hair also blend in with the female clothes. My hair was light
blonde and very curly. It was probably 1969 or 1970 and guys all
wore their hair long. Mine was parted on the side, and covered my
ears on the sides and went about 2" over my collar in the back. I
wore it with long wavy bangs combed across over my forehead past
my eyebrows. So I went into the bathroom again (completely
dressed up) and I got my hair all wet in the sink and brushed it
out straight down all around. I used my classic Shick hairdryer
to dry the bangs straight down in front. And instead of parting
it on the side, I parted it down the middle.
I then simply put a black plastic hair-band across the top of the
bangs at the part and set the ends of the hair-band behind my
ears and just like that I had a new hairstyle that matched my
outfit. I went upstairs to my mom's jewelry box and put on some
gold clip-on earrings and a gold chain. I was looking in her
bedroom mirror and the "look" was starting to go way beyond being
a little kid playing dress-up with his older sister. When I was
all finished there, and I went back down to the basement and
presented myself to my mother. She paused for a moment and then
she said the words I had wondered about inside for a long time:
"you know, if you were out walking somewhere, no one would even
know who you are. People would think you're a girl, you know you
really can't tell you're a boy."
My heart raced that morning, and for the first time I actually
entertained the thought of going outside dressed like this. Well
in many ways, I'm glad I stopped it there...I never did venture
out for fear of being found out and then being totally
embarrassed. So I went back upstairs and played with my younger
sister for probably an hour before school. But I found myself
trying to sit differently and walk like the young ladies I'd seen
when we were out at the mall or in town. I was crossing my legs,
and walking slower and trying to shift my hips (not that I had
any) when I walked. I thought a lot about how this would not go
on forever. The stockings and having a bust show through the
blouse were the new experiences and I really liked the way I
felt, I loved how I looked, and I wanted to stay like that for as
long as I could. It was still very relaxing and safe and secure
to be at home, with my mom, away from my dad, and having some
pretend time to get away from the pressures.
I know I used the dress-up as some kind of mechanism to try to
cope and deal with the intense atmosphere with my dad in the
house (constant bickering and arguing with all of us), and my
wanting to stay close with my mom. So in the last two years of
elementary school I did occasionally retreat back to dressing up,
and I would try out many different dresses, skirts, blouses,
sweaters, and shoes usually one or two mornings a week, and would
even try doing my hair and some jewelry. I would always do this
as part of watching my younger sister when my parents were out
for a Saturday all day. The first time I got up the nerve to go
out entirely dressed up as a girl was the evening after my
elementary school's Halloween party in 6th grade.
(To be continued...)
Hortense
- 14.05.2022
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