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The Queen of Country Music By Tyrone Slothrop Chapter One: Reporter "Why there's Bobbi Jo now! That's the new minivan. Now, mind you, Bobbi Jo's a bit sensitive about the weight gain. And those boobs and butt are pretty big. Well, big's bein' generous, monumental would be better. We had to get all new chairs to handle that rear end. "Now, mind you, I kid Bobbi a bit myself but we're like family and that's my right. You, bein' from LA and all, please don't say the word fat. Bobbi becomes right upset and gets all emotional. At least the drinkin' has stopped "Now where was I? So here we are, two years after it all started..." I sat there with my recorder running. My interviewee tended to ramble and I prayed I had enough memory to get it all. I sipped my beer and wiped the beads of sweat from my cheek. This story had consumed at least a week. Just getting to this part of the Ozarks from LA takes a while, as my destination airport was not exactly a highly traveled location. I hear they will be putting in runway lights next year. With luck, a new windsock. Now don't get me wrong, I like these parts of the country. I came from a small town and there is just something to them. The people are refreshing and usually honest. And just as worldly as most of the coastal types who look down on them. But they do have their peculiarities. I sat there, in the dim interior light of the bar, feeling every bit of the surrounding moisture soaked air, debating whether to file what I had or trash the effort. My editor would love it but screw him. It bothered me. The weird stories and rumors which brought me here were true. There was more. My best lead turned out to be the most outrageous crossdresser and bar owner I had ever met. JayJay Cummngs ran this little bar, "Good Night Johns", the only one in the town of Parkville. I had no idea how he made a living with it but that's another mystery. He appeared as a famous country singer every time I saw him when he was tending bar, and he was very convincing. Off duty he was normal enough, dressing well and not too flashy, and his mannerisms had to be an act for my benefit. Nobody's that effeminate. He had inherited the place from his parents when they both died a year ago and returned from LA. In that peculiar way of small town folk, JayJay was just JayJay, a member of the community and fully entitled to his preferences. Plus, he was a hell of an act. La Cage Au Folles meets Nashville. He was definitely better than satellite TV. So JayJay, tonight dressed as Trisha Yearwood, proceeded to recount the strange events hereabouts. He continued after trading insults with his two waitresses who tonight were passing as Crystal Gayle and Dolly Parton. Chapter 2: JayJay's Tale "Well darlin' about three years ago the tire factory went bust. The region's economy was already pretty shaky and this wiped out the best payin' semi-skilled jobs for a bunch of little towns around the plant... It seemed that every man between twenty five and thirty in this town had been thrown out of work, all of them married." "You know, small town folks are smart and hard workin' and quite frequently earn less only because their opportunities near home are limited. They cope with this by buildin' their lives around family and friends. Clothes, boat trailers, power tools, babysittin' and other things can be shared to stretch the money as far as it can go if necessary. "The problem is, when jobs dry up, they are more reluctant to move than those of you slick coastal folks who have thin to non-existent family ties, no neighbors you can count on and fewer you trust." JayJay waited for me to light his cigarette. "Now, unemployment is no stranger to these parts, especially since most people had stopped dirt farmin' a long time ago. So the boys, all graduates of the high school and generations deep in Parkville, did what they always did. They went huntin' and fishin' and when the weather was bad, they sat in here and told stories about huntin' and fishin'. "The impendin' plant closin' had postponed a lot of planned baby makin' and none of them were fathers yet. The local girls around here are careful about that, they want a steady income before they get in a family way. "Those wives were all graduated from the Milady Business Academy, the next town over, which as everybody knows, produces the best office help in this part of the state... "About year after the plant shut down some biotech hotshot growth company called Viometric opens up in the offices of that same old tire plant. Why did they select the Ozarks? A regulated company has many politicians to please and it really did not matter when they put this particular operation, or if it did, it mattered less than pleasin' an Oversight Committee member. "They needed local office staff and the county commissioner recommended Milady as the place to go for findin' good people. The headmistress, bein' as her mother lived right here in Parkville, was sympathetic to the plight of the town. She gave Viometric their names, with special mention of Bobbi Sue Williams as the best and first they should talk to. Bobbi Sue's the one over there in that fancy business suit with that too short skirt for her thighs. HI BOBBI SUE!" JayJay waved. "So Bobbi Sue pleased them and then she brought in Wanda June and Peggy and so on until a every wife in town was now gainfully employed. They carpooled the twenty miles and left the boys to their huntin', fishin' and drinkin' beer. No one was worried and the wives new money kept the trucks and boats from goin' back to the bank, at least for the next season." JayJay left to talk to some customers and I watched his shapely hips sway on the five inch heels. He returned, his blouse fringe dangling below his ample bosom in time to the clicking of the stilettos on his boots. He arranged his blonde hair and began again. Chapter 3: The Setup "The boys, and we don't say good ole boys here so I better not see that when you write this up sweetie, were pretty damn average. Not a giant or a dwarf in the lot. Average build, height. Now also average weight, but you must understand, given their current circumstances. "When I played sports with them, now don't give me that look, darlin', I was a good wide receiver, they were like Greek gods - slim and my God, well-built. Since then, after six to seven years of beer, home cookin' and jobs with a lot of standin' around they put on a few pounds. And now with the layoff they're all workin' on some impressive beer bellies. I mean nine months pregnant lookin' beer guts. "Now these boys drank some but they had it under control, more prone to sayin' stupid things than actin' mean. They never raised a hand to their wives. This town doesn't tolerate that with all the brothers, fathers and uncles with 30-06s in their pickups." JayJay leaned over to me, showing a lot of cleavage. It looked awfully real. "You know, I could make you look just like Terry Clark, with the big hat and all." I smiled and said that not many people had ever told me that. "I'll bet not darlin'." JayJay laughed. He poured two Jack Daniels for us and continued. "So their wives were all a bit jealous, them goin' to work and the boys sittin' at home with big swollen bellies. Thelma even told Delbert she'd make him wear her sister's old maternity pants before she bought him new size up overalls. "Now, you may know that beer bellies are a time honored tradition here and I swear some of those boys seemed to be tryin' for the town title. And they were doin' less actual huntin' and fishin' and more talkin' about them as it was gettin' harder to not tip the boats and crawl into the duck blinds. "Now, a bit later on comes into the picture Mr. Van Sussman himself, the Diet King. You know, the one that was all over the TV, especially late at night? Yes the one with that hair. Distinctive, huh? What ever happened to him? "So Sussman International Body Image contracts with Viometric to run the measurements and monitorin' on some group testin' which needs volunteers. Van Sussman's got this killer product for men and he sees he can double his business, bein' that only silly fat girls fell for his crap up to then. "Then the Viometric Manager for this contract brings in Bobbi Sue, who's now the office manager. 'Bobbi Sue,' he says, 'I need to find some local men, in their mid-twenties, preferably unemployed who could stand to lose some of weight, particularly in the gut.' Who says the universe is random? "You know that Bobbi Sue, she's real sharp. She says she might know of a group, and they all lived pretty close. Now, Bobbi Sue sure did not want her husband sittin' on his butt and gettin' paid for it unless she had to. The Viometric fella wanted to keep a lot of legal distance between the volunteers and Viometric, just as a matter of course. "So now they started to horse trade. And here's what you need to know. A separate company would be set up and Bobbi Sue and her nineteen girlfriends would be the staff, with Bobbi Sue as the President. They would get to keep their old jobs and their other jobs at the new firm, Sussman Testing paid an amount equal to their pay at Viomertic so the women would get double pay. "Now here it gets clever. Sussman Testing had medical benefits, which covered their spouses, includin' participation in an experimental weight control program. Since the program was the whole reason for Sussman Testing's existence, non-participation by the husbands would eliminate the need for the wife's position in the new company. "Real cute, so the women have a real incentive for their hubbys to do it. Double your money, the wives keep control of the new income so it doesn't become more beer money and the husbands have somethin' to do. Also the husbands still get unemployment. How could they not take that?" JayJay paused, looked down the bar and sent two men home before he got a call from their wives. He told them he only lied to wives on Fridays. He came back and batted his eyelashes at me. "No attraction, hon? You haven't called me beautiful yet." I guessed JayJay was just playing around. I wasn't gay despite what you hear about LA guys, but he was awfully good looking, enough to keep any guys interest just on instinct. You know, those animals that mimic other animals you see on the nature shows? Well JayJay could have had a two hour special on that topic. So I called him more beautiful than Trisha herself. "You've met Trisha? I am impressed now, darlin'. Well, I'll let you get away with that compliment. Where was I? Oh yes..." "So the test was set to run for eighteen months. Bobbi Sue knew what testin' normally was budgeted for and squeezed out a bonus of $50000 if the husband and wife team made it all the way. "The Viometric fella was happy, the test subjects were nowhere near Viometric's payroll. Not perfect, but enough to slow down most lawyers. Bobbi Sue would be officially connected to any transactions with Van Sussman, Viometric was only sellin' services to the new company. "Parkville was buzzin' about all this. Pastor Farnwell even made it the topic of that week's church sermon. "They had a big meetin' at the old plant, twenty boys and their wives, now their bosses. It looked real good. They were all worried about makin' their payments, maybe havin' to move elsewhere for work and this came along and seemed like the best deal they had. The money was better than they had ever seen at the tire plant and the bonus was enough to build a decent cushion for the future. And maybe an outboard for the bass boat. "A representative for Van Sussman alongside the fella from Viometric sat back while Bobbi Sue went over the requirements. The Ten Requirements as they were known thereafter. I can't ever remember them all, let me bring over Big D." JayJay drags over the Crystal Gayle impersonator who now that I see up close is six two in heels and I guessed a man. The long black hair is dramatic, though. I assume the name Big D refers to his boobs. Jay ay introduces me to Big D. "We used to play baseball at the high school here and isn't his hair great? It's all his own you know. " I am getting that weird sense you get when stuff doesn't add up. How many world class crossdressers can a town this size support? Plus, if you don't remember Crystal Gayle at the height of her career, that was a lifetime growth of hair. I doubted Big D played catcher at Parkville High with that style nine years ago. So Big D recites the Ten Requirements. "1. We had to come to the plant everyday for nine months except on Sundays and certain holidays, and never more than forty eight hours between visits. No exceptions. You get sick, we can deal with it at the plant. Really sick? Sorry, your study is over. "2. The next nine months we could stay home or anywhere their monitors would allow. "3. We had to stay on a strictly measured food plan for the first nine months. The next nine anythin' we wanted. That food plan was pretty generous, about 2500-3000 calories per day they said. "4. For the first nine months we had to have company beer in the mornin' and the afternoon and in the evenin', amountin' to about four cans per day. We thought that was pretty funny. "5. We had to wear issued sweatsuits and sleepgear which contained body monitors. The suits would work in the plant and our homes, which they had set up those wireless receivers. When we traveled to and from the plant, it had to be on a bus supplied by the company, which was also equipped to monitor the sweatsuits. If we went anywhere else, we had to carry a portable unit and could be out for no more than two hours. If we went out in the hills, we had to stay in contact or quit the study. Same for fishin'. So we had a two hour maximum to be out of the house. Anyone else's house in the study was fine assumin' their wireless was workin'. "6. We would be expected to engage in light exercise at the plant and then a required cool down period and do all medical checkups as requested. "7. We had to lose all body hair except eyelashes. They said that hair rate of growth was a study factor. Once off, no haircuts or face shavin' for the duration. "8. Any felony or misdemeanor charge, includin' DWI meant dismissal. Not followin' any reasonable request of the company management (which meant our wives but we hadn't figured that out yet) meant dismissal. Translation: Asshole behavior was to result in dismissal. "9. We would be filmed durin' the process and may be used in commercials for the products. Sweatsuits and our persons must be clean and neat at all times. Any hair must be neat and presentable but not be tied back as they wanted length to be visible for the cameras. "10. Out of monitorin' suit time must not exceed one hour total per twenty four hour period. So one hour to shower or whatever. Bobbie Sue blushed at this one when Bubba asked if that included sex. Wanda June hit him so hard he fell over. "Do all this and double your money, win $50 grand and free beer. We all bought in and signed on the dotted line." Big D smiled and went back to bring some longnecks over to a table. JayJay grinned and said, "That's right, Big D was in the group. "So buttercup, everyone was wonderin' what the heck was the product? Van Sussman had never gotten into the men's market for his programs and kept salivatin' at the potential money he could get if he had somethin' to appeal to guys. No one knows in what country or even planet he had the research done, but he had a flash of marketin' genius. "He had a diet which would reduce beer bellies, which as you know is a pretty major issue in men's flab, while you drank beer and his beer only, kept to a reasonable and not hard to follow diet, mostly a balance of protein, carbs and fats, coupled with light but regular exercise. A diet for men, which required drinkin' beer. Did I say he was brilliant? "He had greedy investors worldwide. So he had nine months to test it and nine months to see what happened when people went off it. Got to get ready for the repeat business. He was a marketin' genius, or so we thought." JayJay tapped a new keg without breaking a nail. He had my interest now. Greed, money and new miracle diets really sell out at the grocery checkouts, particularly when it was as told by a spectacular crossdresser. The tabloids would bid millions for this. Chapter 4: We Are All But Players JayJay had me light another cigarette and after doing his best Gloria Swanson Sunset Boulevard bit, continued the story. "So it began, the great beer diet test. The boys all had a physical at the plant and they were so pumped up about easy money they did not object to bein' shaved. All over. Bobbi Sue handed out a depilatory cream to the wives and told them to finish the job, right then. "Now we had twenty boys in twenty little changin' room/bathrooms, standin' in shower stalls while their wives lathered them down with the cream. They came out of the showers smooth and bald as babies, all over. The lack of eyebrows was the most upsettin' to me. "They were given regulation underwear, a sleeveless undershirt, a cross between a thong and a brief and a pair of over the calf thin socks, all in a shiny smooth black material. "Wanda June thought it looked like satin, but the technicians told her it wasn't, it was designed to assure good skin contact for the equipment in the fabric. I thought it looked like satin too and asked if I could have some. Bobbie Sue told me she'd try, but it would be hard. "They were issued their sweatsuits which looked pretty ordinary except for that shiny look to the white fabric. The pants all had an elastic expansion panel in the front. Thelma was gigglin' at the time and said it was just like her sister's maternity wear. Bobbi Sue explained that she was right, the pants had to stay up and the guy's bellies were bigger than most women get in their last trimester. "There were also some suspender straps on the pants to assure a secure fit. No bare belly peeks. The sweatshirts were cut fairly loose and were extra long. Again, to get over the front overhangs. A pair of white sneakers finished the outfit. "The wives stood back as a photographer took a lot of pictures. They had video crews and still guys and lights and all get out... It reminded me of my fashion days. "Betty Lou commented to me later that she said at the time, well out of earshot of the men and said it quietly. 'I wish they had picked some other color than white. It's goin' to be awful keepin' them clean.' The others agreed." "Bobbi Sue just grinned and she said. 'That's goin' to be their problem. We have a full laundry here and since they have nothin' much else to do, I don't see why keepin' their sweatsuits clean can't be their job. In fact, you all are their managers so let them know that's required unless you want to do it while you do your other job. And I will frown on anyone here who takes time out of their job to do somethin' their man should be doin'.' "That Bobbie Sue, she was a natural leader because she had good ideas. And the girls thought this was a very good idea. "Last, the men were issued their portable units and chargers. The charger was a flat plate that had a wall plug and a short antenna. The bag was black and shiny, usin' a thicker version of the same material as the sweats and underwear, with a leather like feel. It was about twelve inches wide and six inches high with handles and a shoulder strap. It opened with a clasp and was empty. It was like some of my purses. "The tech explained. 'Boys, these are your portables, your walk around bags. These bags can be used to carry your wallets and keys and stuff and are pretty tough. Try not to throw them under your pickups, though.' That got some laughs from the boys. "He went on. 'You need them with you when ever you leave the plant here, your homes when we activate the equipment there, or the bus. They can last for about two hours before a recharge. If you go off into the hollers and streams, you have to watch this little light. If it goes red for more than a few seconds, get back from there until it turns green. It means we've lost you. Stay off the air too long and your study is compromised. Which means you're fired. If anythin' isn't workin' call us here. We'll be right there to fix it.' "The boys got busy transferrin' their pocketknives, lucky coins and rabbits feet, wallets and cash into their new purses. "The first week was a practice run to make sure the boys learned their routines without riskin' screwin' up. Bubba and Big D kept leavin' their bags everywhere and let the charge run down. The boys learned about wearin' white, it showed everythin' and their wives taught them how to use the washers and dryers in the mini plant Laundromat. "The new diet was really tough but it had enough lean meat and fried things (low saturated fat) that they adapted. Bacon, ham and eggs, some low fat grits. Bobbi Sue told them outright that if they cheated, the monitor guys would know. The exercise, due to their overweight condition, was kept to an hour of stretchin' and walkin' on the treadmill. By the end of the week they pretty much had it down. "They kept askin' for the free beer, but they were told to wait until next week when it officially started. So they all went a week without beer. Then it got started for real." Chapter 5: We Find The Boys Strangely Engaged JayJay started looking wistful and then he gave his head a little shake. He told me about a conversation he got from Big D. "Bubba and Big D were havin' coffee in Bubba's house at about nine in the mornin'. They were to be picked up by the bus at ten and they both wanted to be ready for the official first day. Bubba was wearin' his nightshirt, which came down to just below his rear end and nothin' else. "Big D complains. 'Damn it Bubba, cross your legs or somethin'. I'm tired of havin' to watch where I look! Don't you wear your underwear to bed?' "Bubba explains he used to sleep with nothin' on at all. Big D goes on. 'Dammit, I never remember comin' over and findin' you naked except when you were drunk. Put somethin' on!' "Later Big D grabs his purse and ran next door to get dressed. On the bus, they all greeted every guy as he boarded. Particularly when the bus driver handed each one a beer bottle as he got on. No label, just a longneck brown bottle. They were informed that this was all they got until the afternoon, so make it last for the whole ride. "The bus arrived, and twenty guys, all bulgin' bellies and heads covered with a fine stubble in white sweats got off. They were happy and calm. A slight buzz in their heads, which was amazin' from one beer. They had a meetin', and Bobbi Sue went over the rules again. No problem. Nice work if you can get it." JayJay checks his face in the bar mirror and touches up his lips. He leans back, extending his magnificent breasts out as far as they go and exhales. He goes on. "And so the boys settled into a routine. Everyday they showed up carryin' their black purses and their dirty sweats and sleepwear from the day before. Mornin' was medical tests, then sit around the Laundromat. The TV in there was run by Thelma, who supervised that area and she kept it pinned to her talk shows. "So they played cards and watched their laundry spin dry. Then lunch was make their own food in the cafeteria. It had all the facilities but they usually settled for sandwiches. There was a food consultant who gave advice on what to eat to stay on plan. "Then after digestin' the food, they did exercise. Stretchin', treadmill. Coolin' off. Durin' the coolin' off period, they could sit in the lounge, which was run by Betty Lou. She did her work and amazin'ly kept track of two soap operas at the same time. "The guys were served their two beers while they cooled down. The only drawback was Betty Lou told them they had to be quiet so she could hear the two TVs. Then shower and medical check, then off on the bus home by 4pm. Their wives came home about an hour or so later. "About a month into this several things happened. The boys grew out about an inch and a half of hair from their head. The guys who had some bald spots were really thrilled. Their eyebrows were only faintly there though and their beards were still gone, along with most of their body hair. Some of it on their legs and arms was there but faint and very light. "The Viometric people were pleased, male pattern baldness gone and triple the normal growth rate. This had been hopin' for this as an anticipated side effect. So now they might have a beer diet, which cured baldness. "The boys' bellies got smaller. They got new sweatpants. Van Sussman had a beer, which got rid of your beer gut! The marketin' potential was staggerin'. "The photographers were all over them, at the plant, on the bus and at home. The women decided that the boys could start bringin' in the rest of the family laundry. It only made sense since they were doin' the steps anyway, just a few more instructions. It helped that the issued underwear required the same wash cycle as the women's delicates. "Bubba's bag did fall under his pickup truck and it looked like he was almost gone. Bobbi Sue had to plead his case with the Viometric fella. She won, but there was a lot of discussion about the close call. Bubba was watched closely and he really tried to be more careful. "The boys were unusually cooperative and calm. Four beers a day seemed to just mellow them out. "The media crew had complained about dirty uniforms. Bobbi Sue assigned Thelma the task of fixin' it. Now Thelma was strong willed and she let them know that keepin' the white sweats clean was really important. The boys were told to help each other notice any dirt or smudges. Imagine a bunch of guys lookin' where they sat, worried about smudges! Their behavior was pretty funny to watch. "Betty Lou's soaps became real popular with the boys. They got totally sucked into all four shows she followed, given they always watched them while suckin' down their two beers. Bein' the coolin' off period, they had nowhere else to go. "Now at this time I had asked to see Bobbie Sue. I was concerned about the boy's social life and all that. Bobbi Sue told me I was more concerned with losin' half my business. I told you she was sharp. "Bobbi Sue then said the boys had been missin' my act and I could be a distributor of the beer to them in the evenin's and all weekend as long as I controlled the amounts they had. We kissed, shook hands and hugged each other. Bobbi Sue and I were in the Future Hairdressers club in high school, did you know that? "The Parkville boys did their stuff. And not one of them screwed up enough to get dropped. Meanwhile, Bobbi Sue and her team were expandin'. The setup had seemed to be a good business model so Viometric added other tests in progress. "Sussman Testing was expandin'. The rest of the plant was converted and Bobbie Sue and her girls were now runnin' three other tests. Their salaries were raised and their workload went way up. This forced some change to their homelife. So here's a story I got from Bobbi Sue." Chapter 6: Sort Of Rob and Laura Petrie JayJay whispered now, this was obviously real quiet gossip, which meant the whole town knew it except the gossipees. "It was now the fourth month. Bobby J was waitin' for Bobbi Sue to get home. Delbert was still in his kitchen, talkin' about fishin'. He had to get movin' so he said. 'Delbert, I've got to get goin', Bobbi Sue will be home in an hour and I've got stuff to do. Can you show me how to tie that fly tomorrow?' "Delbert looked up, his train of thought broken. 'Okay, you're right. I've got to put the dang laundry away anyway before Thelma arrives. She gives me hell if it's not done.' He picked up his bag, and headed out. "Bobby J told him he had some smudges on the pants of his suit and Delbert got upset. 'Goddam, I just got this clean. I think they find dirt. Dammit!' "Bobby called his Mom to come over and help him make dinner. Bobbi Sue was workin' real hard and she was really too tired to cook when she got home, so Bobby J had been learnin' from his mother. Simple stuff but it wasn't that hard. He thought he was better than Bobbi Sue at some of it. "He vacuumed the house while he waited. Since he wasn't at the plant and there was no photographer around, he pulled his hair back and out of his way. It had continued to grow fast and was now about six inches long all around. "He was worried his eyebrows would never come in. They were faint. Visible, just barely visible. They were better than his mustache, which was only evident real close up. Under a magnifyin' mirror. "He looked down at his gut and was happy it had slimmed down by about a third. He could almost see his sneakers now. "He felt a bit guilty that Bobbi Sue was workin' so hard so he did what he could. It was kind of tough not goin' out for more than two hours at a time, so the only real place he had to contribute was around the house. "So dinner was ready, Bobby J just finished puttin' it out when Bobbi Sue comes in. She smiled and then got an annoyed look on her face. 'My God, Bobby! I just told the photographer to leave! Thank the Lord he didn't come in here! Look at you! ' Bobbi Sue went on, not screamin' but lettin' Bobby J know she was not happy. "Bobby J reached up and grabbed the hair clip. 'Shit, Babe, I'm sorry! I was just cleanin' and I forgot.' Bobby J was clearly upset. He was tremblin'. "Bobby Sue hugged him. 'It's okay, darlin'. You know the rules, hair down for the cameras. I can't let you slide on it since I could not do it for anyone else. So be careful! Besides, I like the way it looks. What's for dinner? It smells great!'" JayJay paused. "Can you imagine that! Bobby J just fallin' apart like a TV housewife? I started wonderin' then. But all the wives kept sayin' they were havin' great sex so they were seein' no problem. "Now at six months and it was Saturday night at Good Night Johns. I was in full drag, doin' my Tammy Wynette. I had the ten guys there standin' in a line so I could assess their new slim figures. All their wives were there and the place was havin' a fine old time. "The boys were proudly on display in their white sweats, hair a little past their shoulders and neatly brushed in place. They were doin' the opposite of suckin' it in, tryin' to be the one who still had the best beer gut. "I had them pull up their shirts and was the judge. I remember sayin' 'Bubba, not bad but a little thin. Big D, you still got a belly but it's small and cute. Delbert, your gettin' too skinny, but your chest is still almost a big as mine, Thelma, loan him a bra! Bobby J, you are a rail!' "The guys were not slim, but compared to their former selves they were just plump. They could actually fit into the booths now, instead of needin' a table with chairs. "The crowd laughed hysterically and voted Billy Bob the winner by an inch. I gave him the prize, an eyebrow pencil and then proceeded to demonstrate it by colorin' in Billy Bob's still almost invisible brows. The joke turned out to be viewed as an improvement by the crowd so I did all their eyebrows. They got their own pencils after that. We had to explain to Bubba that regular pencils weren't good enough. "So far, it looked like Van Sussman had a winner of a product here. Those big beer guts were just meltin' away and that hair! It was lookin' fine, like those guys on the covers of romance novels, the ones that look like they use a gallon of conditioner a day?" Chapter 7: Figures Don't Lie, But Liars Figure "Now it is nine months and Bobbi Sue was actually stoppin' to look back on the last nine months. She had gone from office manager to President of a new company, which was growin' like crazy. It wasn't different than keepin' her house and community runnin', just it had real numbers to measure it with. "The other women were blossomin' as well, takin' charge of themselves and gettin' things done. She was happy and pleased with herself that phase one of the Parkville test was windin' down. It had been great. Van Sussman himself had come and thanked her, in person! "And she was also happy at home. Bobby J had really pitched in and was cookin' and doin' a part of the cleanin'. The other boys were doin' the same, some more than others. You should have tried chewin' on Bubba's attempt at a pot roast. "Bobby J seemed really content and was lookin' real good with his belly mostly gone and nice lookin' hair. When she wasn't dead tired, he was still great in the sack. He was bein' very attentive to her lately. We had talked while we were both gettin' our hair done at Thelma's sisters that all of the boys seemed a little more docile lately. That was viewed as a positive. "Now Van Sussman was an impatient man. He had built his fortune by bein' impatient, so he saw no reason to stop now. He was starin' at a potential product, which staggered his imagination. He had plans of gettin' approval from the Mexican Government and generatin' demand by havin' it available south of the border. "So he wanted to hurry the study his board of directors had demanded. And get the after videos of people who went off his new plan. He wanted the boys to get fat, real fast as soon as they went off the diet. The Viometric fella said that forcin' them to eat destroyed all credibility of the diet study. Plus he knew that if the wives caught wind of it they would probably demand more money. They were afraid of little Bobbi Sue. "So they hatched a plan. The next phase started on Monday and they selected ten of the boys to be targeted as 'binge eaters' to show the dramatic difference the diet made compared to 'normal' habits. The Viometric fella would encourage Bobbi Sue to let the boys celebrate, have their favorite foods, throw some community parties, drink all the beer they wanted for the first week. "Then Bobbi Sue and the other nine wives would be sent on a three week tour of Viometric facilities around the world. Van Sussman could then send them some food to help take care of them while their wives were gone. "Now I cannot figure out whether what happened next was deliberate or a just a random event. Van Sussman gave the order for the whole thing and included deliverin' beer along with the most fattenin' food conceivable to their homes and the local bar, free to the boys, of course. Either he specified his special beer or just said beer. We may never know. Well, the special beer was ordered." Chapter 8: This Little Piggy "So the boys were home. They still had to follow the rules but they were home free all day long. Which meant they could leave the house only three times a day. Trapped at home like little housewives. "The town threw them a wonderful party, with food and beer. There were pie eatin' contests, courtesy of Sussman Body Image, hot dog eatin' contests, again, Sussman, and free beer. "Bobbie Sue was turnin' the project over the Thelma while she was gone and wanted to make sure nobody screwed up for the next three weeks, especially Bobby J. "The boys were in heaven. They could eat and drink as much as they wanted to after nine months of someone else tellin' then what to do... And they did. They all had lost their beer bellies and while they did not have hard bodies, they sure looked a lot better. "Bobbie Sue told me she looked at Bobby J as he was sleepin' in bed after they had their farewell sex. His stomach was soft and just a little rounded, pudgy but not at all fat. His love handles were almost gone. His pecs were a little saggy, like the skin had been stretched a bit when he lost the weight. "His hair seemed to have slowed down at around fifteen inches and draped nicely across his back. She had him condition it regularly, and he had gotten good with a blow dryer. She was the President, after all and he had to look good for her. "He had to set an example for the rest of the boys. "Bobby stunk of beer that night but he had been so rationed, she thought he deserved a little release. She would give him hell if he ever got a beer gut like he had again she swore to me. "So the women left and the boys went back to goofin' off. Van Sussman had food delivered to the houses of the ten boys with travelin' wives, loads of it. Cases of beer. "So they slept late, got up, ate what was delivered. Drank some beer. Then they either visited another guy and had lunch with beer or ate and drank alone. Then they all gathered to watch their soaps and eat. And have some beer. Then dinner together or out to Good Night Johns for two hours. They were feelin' good. "Thelma visited each of their houses and gave them hell when she found a dirty mess, which was always. She threatened them with dismissal if they had a hair out of place. "Now, normally a bunch of guys drinkin' that much beer would have been fearless, but the boys were shakin' with fear at Thelma. So they quit the drinkin' until the evenin's and kept up their houses. So instead of drinkin' all the time, they ate. They then drank every night at Good Night Johns, when I had it open. "Now the boys started adoptin' a strange kind of attitude, a kind of screw it all concept. They missed their old lives, with huntin', fishin' and so forth but were committed to finishin' the program. They were exhibitin' what you would call 'classic passive aggressive behavior', rebellin' at their situation but wantin' to please their wives. So they ate. And drank when they could, but not at home or Thelma would get them. Van Sussman had gotten just what he wanted." Chapter 9: New Developments JayJay traced lines with his red polished nail on the back of my hand. Then he got on with the story. "I think I was the first to notice. Just before Bobbie Sue and the women returned from their big trip, I had the boys in this place on a Saturday night. My theme that night was Crystal Gayle and I thought I looked great. The wig alone cost a fortune and weighed a ton. I had the boys line up again for a beer belly check and noticed they had put on some weight. What was strange was where. But I'll get to that later on, darlin'. "So based on the best I can get from girl talk, Bobbie Sue returned with the other nine wives. They were surprised at the cleanliness of their homes and the meals their husbands had prepared. The boys were attentive and listened to every word of their stories. "Bobbie Sue first noticed her husband had put on some pounds when he bent over to pick up somethin' off the carpet. His sweatpants were stretched tight around his ass, which seemed fuller than before. Bobbie Sue, she just ignored it for now, figurin' Bobby J had been eatin' a lot of junk. Bobby J made her forget a lot that night when the lights were out. Oh, if someone would do that for me!" JayJay stared into my eyes. Then he laughed. "Just foolin' around, babycakes. Now where was I? Oh yes. "Over the next two weeks, the gals were busy tryin' to make up for missin' three weeks at the plant. The boys went about their business, keepin' their houses clean, learnin' to cook and watchin' their soaps. They had settled in at about five or six beers a day, two durin' their soaps and the rest in the evenin's right here at Good Night Johns. "A bit later, Bobbi Sue and I were talkin' over coffee. We meet frequently for lunch you know. "I said 'Bobbi Sue, have you noticed anythin' about the boys since you got back?' Bobbi Sue said Bobby J was puttin' on some weight. He might need to go a size up in sweatpants. "So I finally just came out and asked her, 'Sweetheart, has he gained anythin' above the waist?' "I was watchin' Bobbi Sue's face. Bobbie Sue looked back and paused before answerin'. Then she began. She says to me, with a few tears, 'Bobby J hasn't added a pound to his belly, but he's startin' to get a pretty nice pair of boobies. And not just fat man like, but real ones.' I hugged her and told her I would help any way I could. "I told her, 'I suspected that, and I bet a few of the other boys are too. It looks like somethin' that happened to me when I tried to join your side with my hormone treatments in LA.' "I got me quite a pair from that, and put some paddin' on my butt, too. I have to confess these aren't natural." I told JayJay they looked fine. "You will turn my head, lambchop, with that kind of talk! So, now it gets to the good part. Bobbie Sue decided to wait a bit and see what happened. She knew a man on female hormones lost his sex drive and Bobby J had if anythin' gotten more amorous. Maybe he was just gettin' older and his fat was rearrangin' itself. Besides, Viometric was bein' very good to them. She decided to compare notes with Thelma and Wanda June." Chapter 10: So Lets See What Happens "The boys continued their routine over the next two months. They continued to gain weight. They got increasin'ly better at housekeepin'. Their mood swings were becomin' noticeable; sometimes they just broke into tears for no apparent reason. They continued to make their wives happy in bed and a few other places they got caught at it. "Bobbi Sue got the techs to get some new clothin' made up and it came without a moment to spare. She also made sure the boys were given a full medical exam once a week and had the photographer record it. She distributed the new suits and underwear to the wives of the ten boys most affected. So she then told me what happened at home. "Bobbie Sue says, 'Bobby J, I have some new suits for you. Could you come in here please?' Bobby J stops stuffin' his face and comes in. Bobbie Sue says, 'Bobby J, please take off your clothes. I have some things which might fit you better.' "Now Bobby J was reluctant, but eventually was standin' there in just his cute little thong. His breasts were firm and at least a B cup, He still had a little potbelly and his torso was covered in a soft layer of fat. His hips and butt were spreadin' out a lot. He was cryin' his eyes out. "So Bobbie Sue goes, 'Now Bobby J, it's all right. I love my man. You look fine to me, a lot better than that big gut you used to have.' Bobbi Sue said that as soothin'ly as she knew how. She then proceeded to take off Bobby J's thong and begin arousin' him. The thong was way too tight, and it took some doin' to get over Bobby J sizeable big fat butt cheeks." JayJay paused, grinning widely. He continued. "When Bobbi was done with Bobby, she looked at her work. He was now wearin' a pair of men's panties, which I had recommended and got mail order. They were big enough and covered his rear without pinchin' while supportin' his package. "He then had a plain black camisole with a built in shelf bra. The camisole was control material and supported his boobs and smoothed his torso. Bobbi Sue and I had figured an actual bra would be too much for the boys right now, so we would ease the boys into their new endowments needs with some finesse. "Some support pantyhose came next, to contain the flabby thighs which they were gettin'. I also told them where to get ones cut for men. Now the boys could wear the new sweatsuits, which was tailored to their new figures. Bobby J was really happy that his clothes fit him again and Bobbi Sue still loved him. "Next, Bobbi Sue had Bobby J fix his hair and get his purse so they could visit the other couples who were all goin' through the same thing. Bobby J played his part, calmin' down a few of his buddies who were panicked at their new shapes and sizes." Chapter 11. The Sting "So now, the wives had a great plan, from their perspective of course. They knew that their husbands had been affected by the diet process somehow and were pretty sure it was the beer. It had to be the beer. As soon as the boys stopped exercisin' and went off the diet, they added fat but just like women. Somehow their fat distribution had been rearranged just like female hormones do to men. Trust me, I'm an expert. "Bobbi Sue sensed a big payoff but thought they needed the boys to develop a bit more to make it incontrovertible and dramatic. I agreed. Since the sex drives of the boys were high, they were now doin' most of the housework and in general bein' fairly docile and submissive to their wives, it was decided to let it go for another while. The wives of the unaffected boys decided to join in on the fun and I agreed to host some beer bashes just for them. "Bobbi Sue then contacts Van Sussman and the Senior Operating Officer of Viometric and invites them to the project completion in five months. All reports to them have said nothin' was wrong with the test, just that the test subjects had gained back their original weight when off the diet. The baldness cure is workin'. She has had to include some key people from Viometric in the plan. "The week before the project end, Bobby J spent his time mostly watchin' his soaps and eatin'. Bobbi Sue took to callin' him Bobbi Jo and the J always had stood for Joe, so we all had adopted it. Gettin' up required some extra work for him lately. He had added back the seventy pounds he lost plus another thirty, all in his thighs, I thought. "He finally has a little bit of a beer belly, but that's the least of his features. His incredible boobs are snug in an EE cup bra and he sure was glad Bobbi Sue had got him panties, which fit, around those 60 inch hips... Bobbi Sue wanted him to go to Thelma's sister and get a good style. She is goin' to present him to Mr. Sussman as exhibit A with all the before and after and after and after photos." Chapter 12: Know When To Hold 'Em "Van Sussman was mighty shocked and so was the guy from Viometric. Their killer product turned men into fat women who have trouble losin' weight. It did cure baldness, though and I hear they are tryin' to isolate that. Well, Bobbi Sue immediately showed them that the town wasn't greedy. Our silence was worth less than a month of airtime for his commercials. It was enough to have us set for life here. She dickered and stuff, and Van Sussman agreed to pay. Viometric went under just after that, some kind of insider corporate thing. "So, since then a few of the boys slimmed down and watch their weight like hawks. Any weight and they start lookin' distinctly girlish. Now Big D and Delbert over there, they just can't get those last thirty pounds off but their wives don't seem to mind and Big D has that wonderful hair. Delbert is actually bigger than Dolly Parton herself, you know and he doesn't need my wigs either. They took the waitress jobs just to keep busy. The rest of the boys are somewhat larger than those two." JayJay smiled and said, "And the women all got pregnant but they mostly got new jobs at the new Wal-Mart since they have these live at home husbands." "And Bobbi Jo?" I asked. "Well, Bobbi Jo stopped the beer when we did the deal and we turned out to be right, it was the beer. Now he won't drink anythin' alcoholic. But you know, gettin' off your butt and exercisin' and not snackin' are hard habits to get rid of, especially when you've got a butt like he does. He stopped gainin' weight after a few months but he's been stuck like this for a six months. He needs to stop watchin' those damn soaps. But he's makes a great little housewife. Won't let Bobbi Sue hire a maid, says he'd get really fat then. I think he's gonna try that drug I heard of which lets him breast feed their next one if he still hasn't slimmed down." I stopped my recorder. I knew what I was going to do with this story. These people were happy and comfortable here and would do anything to just stay here and raise families. Even if you had to enlarge your horizons a bit. The next day, I was in my rental car heading home. I had thanked Bobbi Sue and Bobbi Jo for their side of the story and left to pick up JayJay. He was on my flight to LA so he could visit some old friends. I had agreed to give him a lift. I think he was traveling as Shania Twain. At least I hoped so.