Based On a Conversation
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Based On A Conversation Three: Hell free porn video
Based on a Conversation 3: Hell
by shalimar
I talked with one of my former supervisor at work the other day. I let
her know that I soon would be allowed to wear a skirt or a dress at
work. This would happen after some meetings that would be occurring
after my present supervisor returned from vacation.
I also told her that because I am feeling uncomfortable in the men?s
bathroom I would be using the former women?s locker room on the second
floor. This is despite the fact that I work on the first floor. I am
still not allowed to use the women?s bathroom.
I told her that for me this compromise is temporary. I need to be
treated just like every other woman in the place. She said that after a
while I might be able to change to the normal use of the women?s
bathroom, but I need to have patients because my decision effects
others who may not be as tolerant with the situation as she is. I
explained that as far as my needs are concerned I need to start using
the women?s bathroom now, but I understand that I may be stepping on
other?s toes.
Finally she asked me how long I have felt this way. I told her almost
all of my life. I told her that at about five I was with mom in some
department store while she was in the lingerie department and I felt
like a girl while we were there. I explained that as a child it was
difficult for me to cuddle a toy solder because that doll was toting a
gun. I explained to her my disappointment when at the age of eleven,
instead of getting puffy on my chest my voice was deepening.
I was also scared back then. Afraid of someone finding out. Afraid that
someone who did find out would attack me or at least ridicule me. I was
also afraid that I would be caught dressed in mom?s clothes. The
strangest thing is that the others knew. For example, I came in third
for best looking girl in my senior year. The one who won was already
transitioning.
I was actually attacked at the age of twelve by a boy who goosed me
just because he wanted to find out if I was a boy or girl. When he
found out he laughed. He laughed as I lay on the ground protecting
myself. The physical pain of him grabbing my balls dissipated quickly,
but the pain of the humiliation and my feeling violated lasted a long
time.
I told my former supervisor about my feelings of the boy who lived next
door to me how I played with him until some of my sexual feelings began
to come out. He was a year older than me and also an inch or two
taller. In my fantasy I needed him to hold me, to love me and cherish
me. When he accidentally found out he teased me and told the other kids
in the neighborhood. No one let me ?defend? myself. The only good part
is that it was soon ?forgotten.? But I ?marked? although I didn?t know
it at the time.
With this fear came the anger and my distancing myself from others. The
anger got me into trouble a few times. I am ashamed of what I have
done. Over time, for the most part, I have learned to dissipate that
anger and start to love. Since I?ve been on HRT that anger has been
reduced dramatically. Even now in my anger I try to admonish instead of
lashing out either physically or verbally.
The result of my fear and anger was me being a lonely boy. My parents
saw that and thought after consulting with others that seeing a
psychiatrist might help. I couldn?t tell this grown up anything so in a
sense I wasted their money. Now I could tell those shrinks how I feel,
but as a kid I couldn?t. I was still afraid.
Part of my fear was that I was the only one who thought that way. In a
sense that is true. According to statistics in the Netherlands about
one child in eleven thousand births is a male to female transsexual and
one child in twelve thousand is a female to male transsexual.
There are other things that bother me. I cannot now or ever give birth.
When she was pregnant my now ex-wife told me about how the baby was
moving in her. Her description of what she was feeling inside her
included a smile on her face that told me of the joy she was
experiencing. I was happy for her and happy for me who was becoming
that child?s father, but I needed to experience that miracle from her
perspective. Unless a miracle happens I will never experience the joy
of knowing I am pregnant or feeling that baby kick or giving birth.
My former supervisor told me that what I missed was no big deal, but
she had the choice and she gave birth. I never will. No one except a
few that are like me that I have given love to and receive love back
will ever call me mom. I have given some of them strength. I have given
some of them the will to endure. I have given some of them the strength
to, as Shakespeare?s Hamlet put it, to be instead of not to be.
Every night I ask G_d to do that miracle and allow them to really be my
daughters like they deserve. That miracle would be for them as well as
for me. At least G_d did answer my prayers in a way that He could under
the rules He created. For in my heart and theirs I am their mother and
they are my daughters. I thank Him for that even though we still need
that final part.
In addition few will ever call me sis although I have two real life
sisters and a few sisters that are in our hearts. I doubt that dad will
ever consider me his daughter. Mom never did except near the end of her
life when she was a bit ?out of it.?
My change has been until recently one small step at a time. In addition
to my work situation I recently pierced my ears and wore a skirt in
front of my dad. Dad said that wearing a skirt is impractical. But not
when the temperatures reach over ninety degrees Fahrenheit and the
humidity is over ninety percent. He also said I don?t have any fashion
sense, but other women have said I look pretty. At least now he knows
the basics.
He asked me some tough questions such as ?Why now?? All I could answer
is that I am tired of the fear and tired of fighting with myself. He
asked if I could live as a man. I told him I tried that. I told him
that more male hormones would only make me unhappier. I told him that
the first time I used female hormone the only resistance was fear
including, at that time, fear of ?homosexuality.? I also explained that
I ran out of money then. It was the main reason I stopped at that time.
The next step has been the synagogue. I told the rabbi recently that I
am transsexual. He told me some ?Catch 22? good news. He told me that
the ruling body of the Jewish Conservative movement said that a
completely post-op transsexual is considered the new sex. Until then
the person is considered the old sex. The ?Catch 22? part involves the
prohibition of cross-dressing in the Torah. How is a woman who is
supposed to live 24/7 in her new sex for at least a year before
surgery, as required by medical standards, and still follow Jewish Law?
At least I would not be considered a homosexual. If I were considered
one I would loose my seat on the synagogue?s board of directors, and
formally as ritual chairperson, because a homosexual cannot speak for
the Jewish people. I think the board would be better with me on it. I
am not sure if loosing my seat would be a blessing in disguise for me.
As there are hundreds of people at work I expect someone to come to me
and tell me that what I am doing will send me to Hell. If that is my
fait so be it. I?ve already experienced it.
Fawn
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