Based On A Coversation 2 A Place For US
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Based On A Conversation
By shalimar
Tom, a co-worker, asked me if being gay, lesbian, or
transsexual is genetic or learned. I told him that some of
the scientific evidence shows that it is genetic.
"You mean to tell me that a person who grows up in a
lesbian home won't be influenced to be like his 'parents'?"
"There may be some," I replied. "But the genetic make up
will tell more what that child would do than the 'parent's'
sexual preference. By the way, I am what you call a
transsexual. I've actively felt this way since I was
twelve, but I have memories of this as far back as when I
was five. And like your gay minister friend, until
recently, I've been dealing with this for decades."
I explained to him a bit about my condition. I explained
the even as a child the other kids treated me like a sissy.
In other words the boys treated me like I was a girl. I
still feel more like a woman than a man mentally and can
envision myself as a woman.
I also told him that if he wanted to know more to read the
story, "Not in Vain" by Samantha Michelle. It will show
what we're up against. It is more normal than what we would
like to believe. Recently, I read that half of all
transsexuals commit suicide. We shouldn't give into that
urge. The bullies can't win. We can't afford to burry
another sister or brother because of this.
I told him here are other stories and essays that would
also explain things from personal points of views, such as
the two essays, "Missed, Have, Lost and Hope-an Essay" and
"Detour-an Essay" by Joan Banks. I then mentioned that
there is a more professional set of explanations by Dr.
Anne Lawrence who also went through transitioning. These
stories, I told him, would explain part of what it means to
be what we are.
I was reminded of and first read other stories and essays
while doing research for this essay. They include "Blister"
by Alysa Amene Palin, "All I want for Christmas," by
Alexandria Phaite, "I know" by Kim EM, and "Peter" by
Samantha Jay. I know that even my list in the notes below
is only a small sampling.
"If there was a cure," I said. "I would not want the one
that I would be happily male. I'd want one that would make
me female, completely, including the risk of pregnancy. All
I really want is to be accepted as a 'normal' woman.
"One of the fantasies for many men is to have a harem of
extremely beautiful women, each one better looking than the
next, and to have a different one of those women in his bed
every night. It is not my fantasy. The only part of that
fantasy that I would think appropriate is the concept of an
extended family that would be created. My fantasy would be
to be cuddled and loved by one man. That man would be
gentle and loving. He would be caring for me and ours. He
would make love, not have sex. There is a difference, you
know, and that sex would be sensual. I would be proud to be
at his side."
I realized later that that is not all there is to being a
woman. It is the deeper caring for others that most men
never come close to achieving. It is the sharing my hopes,
dreams, and experiences with other women, and they share
the same with me. I'm beginning to do that with a few women
that I've known for years.
I let him go back to work, and I did the same. However, I
couldn't get our conversation out of my mind, even though
it was short.
I thought about what we spoke about. I would not go through
the pain and fear. I would not risk humiliation and being
attacked by those who thought themselves as "real men" if
my "condition" was learned. It is not worth the risk of
loosing family and friends. It is much simpler to be what
society says is normal. Some say I could go on living as a
"normal" man and be happy, but I tried that, and living as
a man was incomplete. I even had a wife, and we have a
child through our marriage. My transitioning did not cause
the divorce. That is a fact. It happened many years before
I decided to finally make that change, but I believe my
condition was probably a factor in our split. She never
knew about this aspect of me. We are still friends and
have, for the most part, the same group of friends.
There are those who say my transitioning would be a lie.
They say that a model on the runway is still a man even if
she had the operation. However, to me being male is the
lie. The shell shows the lie and the mind with its thoughts
are the truth. The shell would finally agree with who I
really am. So I have finally begun the transitioning
period. I feel that the hormones in me are what I need to
feel "normal." There is also the sanity factor. I am
calmer, although I never knew how hyper I was. I notice I
hum and sing more. I notice I smile more. Life seems
better.
I act differently, not much. There is often no male or
female way to do things, just the human way. Besides, I
don't do it because it is the female way. I do it and then
realize that I did it as a woman would probably do the
things that I have just done, and a man would not.
The other day, for example, I was walking into the building
where I work and saw this man. He was tall. I had to close
my eyes a second. When I opened them I noticed how tall he
was again. A few days later, I passed a man that looked
liked Tom Sellick when he first appeared in the "Magnum"
series. I smiled at him and said hello. I guess I wanted to
be picked up. Wow, was there a difference in my thought
patterns. It doesn't happen much, I treat people as people,
but a female reaction happens just because it can now.
Probably some of the more feminine thoughts and actions
were hidden from my male self.
I looked in the mirror, today, as my hair was almost dry.
It fell down to my neck in curls. It helped me look pretty.
How I wish that those curls could stay that way. Even hair
spray doesn't keep that look long enough.
There is a close male friend that I like. I wish I were his
wife so we can share our lives together. I've told him that
occasionally. I have told him that both directly and
indirectly. I often dream that he holds me close as I feel
his strength. I dream we make love as a normal heterosexual
couple. I dream we do things together. I know he is a very
caring and loving individual. I have a need to be with him.
It is a new concept for me, but it feels right. My love for
him is one reason I would get the surgery, but just one of
the reasons. I really AM a woman inside. He would be the
added bonus. Nice bonus, though.
He has confided in me that occasionally he imagines himself
to be female. It is not an all-consuming thing for him like
it was for me before I finally made the decision to change.
But I'm afraid that, like he once said, "the dam may
break." If that happens I'll be there for him when the
pronoun becomes "her." That may hurt me, but I do love him,
so what he needs will come first.
Over the last year or so I have met others like me and have
begun friendships. One of these friends helped me work
through some anger to find the love. I thank her for that
debt that I could never repay. I have been guided by that
love concept since.
I have found courage lately through a friend of mine that
has become close enough that we call each other sisters.
She has challenged me to make those tough decisions. She
says that I should tell my parents that I am their
daughter. She says that I should tell my synagogue that I
am transitioning, and let my friends know. I know she is
right, but I am still afraid. Fear is a tremendous emotion.
Maybe I should let my friends and family know. I have
noticed that some of my friends have subconsciously started
treating me like a woman. There are not major things, but
little things like being asked to play Ma Jong with the
other ladies. It is trying to work out a real way for me to
be part of sisterhood at my synagogue. It is one the women
at work who talked about her daughter starting to get
breasts and called them "bumpers" while I was there. She
realized I wasn't exactly a woman got embarrassed and
laughed. I showed her my painted nails and said, "Don't
worry about it." Part of the rest of that workday I was
explaining. Perhaps these are ways to welcome me into THE
SISTERHOOD. It has gained me insights to my soul. I hope to
get more.
Another insight was gained when a sister author suggested
to me during a time of writer's block that I go to a mall
and follow some people and listen to what they say. Among
the groups of people that I listened to were two husband
and wife pairs. I noticed that both men dominated the
conversations. I asked her later if this was normal. She
told me that it was. Later I thought back fifteen years ago
to the first time I tried transitioning. I was a real
estate agent then and I was invited to sell a waterfront
house. The owner was proud of the Italian marble that he
had installed and I would rip out as soon as I could if I
owned the place. He kept dominating the conversation. He
hardly let me speak and didn't let his wife speak at all
even though I tried to get her into the conversation. I
guess men really do that. I still do that often to, but it
is from fear of being alone. That also scares me.
I stopped the first time partially because of money, and
partially because I didn't like the "homosexual" feelings
that I was having. I eventually came to terms with those
feelings because I realized that it is normal and natural
for a girl.
I am a chicken. I used to fear that others would find out.
I used to fear what others would do if they did. I feared
possible social ostracizing and as a result I was
standoffish. I feared physical and verbal abuse like I had
when I was a child. I used to fear the loss of friends and
family. I used to fear what would happen. Now whether
anyone else knows or not is unimportant because I am me.
There has been occasion to talk about being female with my
friends, family and acquaintances. I talk about it as
frankly and openly as I can. So far everyone I've talked to
about it has accepted me this way. I hope that it
continues, but I still fear that someone I need to accept
me will reject me. Yet being a woman is part of what I am.
Accepting that fact makes it easier to talk about it when
the time arises.
In the last year I have been pushing education at my
synagogue. I also took the time to reward those who have
learned their studies. Those who have taken advantage of
this learning have learned that learning is its own reward.
I couldn't have given them a better gift. Their knowledge
is my reward. It is a Jewish thing to improve education
especially in the synagogue, but it is also a woman's
thing.
For the most part I still wear some male clothes. There are
female clothes that are gradually taking their place. It is
almost one item in, so there is one item out. I would be
better with that, except that I am a pack rat. I would wear
more feminine clothes except that I am afraid. I don't wear
a bra, yet. My breasts are too small. Why can't I be better
endowed? Soon I hope.
I was dressed more feminine recently at a major mall near
my home. I was standing near the food court when a young
man told his child to watch out for the woman, meaning me.
I smiled. It made my evening.
Others are beginning to see me closer to the way I see
myself. People open doors for me now. I find other
courtesies from strange men that are reserved for women,
like offering a hand. It is interesting when I encounter
it. I am not used to reacting like a woman, and at times,
have to remind myself what to do. I say to myself "I'm not
an invalid." I am beginning to relax with this and accept
what others do for me because of my new sex, and realize
that it is their kindness that I am accepting.
In the end, though, I am changing because it makes me
calmer. I am at peace with myself. I like myself better. In
some ways this change has freed me. This is right. This is
not the lie. I am more me.
This is dedicated to all of us who have transitioned, are
transitioning, or thought about it. I especially thank
those people that I mentioned directly and indirectly in
this essay.
Partial list of stories and essays:
"Not in Vein" - Samantha Michelle
"Missed, Have, Lost and Hope-an Essay" - Joan Banks
"Detour-an Essay" - Joan Banks
"All I want for Christmas" - Alexandria Phithe
"Does G_d Make Mistakes?" - Terry L Sakel
"If Only" - Lorraine Davis
"A Kind of Love Story" - Serenissima
"Blister" - Alyssa Amene Palin
"I Know" - Kim EM
"The Letter: A True Story" - Terri Martin
"Dream Weaver 1: The Well" - Deanna Lea
"Peter" - Samantha Jay
"The Letter" - Janet Jean
I know I missed some excellent stories and essays. Please
forgive me.
Alma
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