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The End Of An Old Life And The Start Of A New free porn video
THE END OF AN OLD LIFE AND START OF A NEW
BY PAUL G. JUTRAS
Scott finished slipping into his pink silk pajamas and climbed under his
bed covers. As he picked up his latest copy of Harry Potter, he opened
it and watched as a letter fell to his lap. He had been using it for a
book mark and almost forgot about it. It was a letter that had changed
his life for ever. As he looked at the letter, he re-read it to himself.
By the time you read this, I might be dead. Please understand that such
a choice isn't entered into lightly and without just consideration.
Hopefully it won't come to the worst, but after reading this I open
you'll understand how I feel. Ever since I was six, I knew in my heart
and soul that I should have been born a girl. It was then that I started
to secretly wear female underwear to school under my normal clothes.
When I was home, I used my Fisher Price shopping cart to pretend I was a
mother shopping for my family or use my star wars figures in place of my
female friends Barbie and Ken dolls for pretend weddings and such.
My mother; being the catholic school teacher that she was, first learned
at my feeling near my eighth birthday when I asked mom for a purse and
white dress with puffy sleeves. She was confused and a bit outraged at
the same time when it came to how to treat me. Needless to say, I didn't
get either the purse or dress for my birthday. What I did get was a deep
disappointing feeling and a wonder if my mother loved me or secretly
hated me for who I really was. Dad didn't help any with those feelings.
Every time he called me his big guy when I wanted to be his sweet
princess or hear him complain about not taking my shirt off at the
beach, I wanted to cut my throat open. I could never get dad to
understand how going topless didn't feel right to me and I longed to
wear a woman's one piece bathing suit rather than a pair of male trunks.
I did not let such feelings stop me from being myself. In games of house
I'd left my younger cousin, Philip be the father so I could put a pillow
under my shirt and pretend to be the pregnant sister in the family.
While I tried to be a good sport in games of backyard football and cops
& robbers with my neighborhood friends, I preferred going to see my
friend's sisters to play games of dolls or play dress up with cousins
Jennifer and Katrina. I had always an envy feeling toward their great
outfits. Especially the ones they use to wear to the Thanksgiving and
Christmas parties. At least up till my older cousin Kim had her kids.
There choice is outfits were a lot better than the ones from mom I use
to borrow. How I wish I could have been Kim that Christmas in her red
dress, black pumps and enjoying her child growing inside of her.
When I was ten I learned for the first time that sex change operations
were possible. It was during that weekend of learning about it that I
first had dream of going in having it done. Of course when I'm asleep
I'm 100% female in almost every dream. Dreams where I'm swept off my
feet while dinning and dancing with some cute guy.
As I got older and dad went into the military, mom still didn't
understand me. She would often scream at me if I would borrow her hats,
jewelry and such to wear about town in public. It sometimes surprise my
hearing is as good as it is today with all the screaming she'd do. At
the time I again began to wonder how much she cared for me.
I especially wondered on her love for me when her screaming including
stuff like sitting with my legs crossed and telling me only gay men sat
like that. When I first started running out into on coming traffic in
hopes to get hit by a car. Personally I always hated the stereotype gay
image one got from movies and television. I had no problem being a tom
boy like my mom and still consider myself a female at heart. While I
continued to wear girls under wear under my clothes to school, I also
enjoyed reading Cosmo magazine at the girls table while we talked about
which boys in school we thought were cute.
The summer my mother ran her school's cheer leading camp, it was the
happiest summer of my life since mom and dad built me a play house for
me to have tea parties and such. That summer I got to make pom-poms and
come the closest I ever had of living my dream of being a cheer leader.
I got to practice the cheers with the girls and pretend I was cheering
on those cute foot ball players with a short skirt showing off my
adorable legs. Legs which my mom once teased me at age fourteen in front
of Uncle Raymond and his family when I cut them shaving.
When I was eighteen years old, I couldn't have been happier. The
graduation gown was the closet thing to a dress I had worn in pubic. It
was after that which I really confronted mom face to face. Told her
straight out that I would rather be a girl than a boy. She went shock as
she pondered her feelings about it. Her response was soon to buy me a
bunch of books on gay life style and the dangers of getting aids. She
even said she talked to a priest at church who was very disapproving of
the whole thing. All this resulted in was my filling the sink and
sticking my electric razor under water in an attempt to electrocute
myself.
When I went off to college I started using to the library computer to
try to understand myself better. I learned that there was a difference
between being gay and who I was. I always knew that even though I
thought guys were cute, my feelings had nothing to do with wanting to
sleep with guys. It was about me and how I saw my own body and self.
That I wasn't gay but a transsexual wishing that I was in the girl's
dorm instead of the boy's dorm.
It was also around this time that I first told my mother straight out
that now that I was out of high school, I'd wear a skirt or dress for
special occasions, but I'd kill myself before I got dressed up in a suit
and tie again. Something mom argued about on such occasions as when I
wanted to wear a dress in Katrina's wedding and once again wish I looked
as good as Jennifer and the other bridesmaids at the wedding. Even more
jealous of Katrina having a happy married life with a wonderful man. The
job I wanted most since I was a kid was to be a loving wife and mother.
If mom wasn't going casual, I'd probably of killed myself right then and
there. As I almost choose to cut myself with a straight razor when I was
called up for jury duty and mom wanted me to dress up but I ended up
dressing down instead. I was constantly feeling like mom was actually
telling me she'd prefer to see me committee suicide than to start
hormone replacements and electrolysis to the face. Especially when the
college graduation came and the school was insisting I wear a suit and
tie and so was my mom. If it wasn't for the fact I was able to get my
certificate in the mail, I would have been dead some time ago. Just glad
that I didn't cut myself up with a straight razor a work when the urge
came.
Steve put the letter down. He looked at the scars on his arms and
sighed. With the lost of his original job and having to start over, he
was glad that mailing out the letter to relatives finally convince his
parents of how he felt. They let him move back home while he got his
life together and start his transition. He got out of bed, walked to a
box on the table and set it inside with his other special memories. He
always wanted to remember how his life changed for the better and how it
almost ended up for the worst.
The End
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