Big Brother's Little Sister free porn video

Big Brother's Little Sister by dkb A jagged, expressionist style symbol of an eye fills the screen above the title "Big Brother" and a pounding dance music theme blares out, its undertones of menace blunted by familiarity. The abstract animated title sequence gives way to a montage of scenes of listless young people lounging, frolicking and arguing in and around a low, sprawling compound decorated in an eclectic mix of kitsch styles, a bizarre cross between army barracks and surrealist holiday camp. A lugubrious Geordie voiceover narrates the previous day's events. "Day fifty-one in the Big Brother house. At nine thirty-three a.m. Jack is the first housemate out of bed." Shots of Jack pottering around the kitchen, getting breakfast. "Jack decides to eat his breakfast in the summer house." The summerhouse is a wooden outbuilding in the garden, equipped with a few chairs and an alcove with a king-size mattress. Jack saunters through the garden to the summerhouse and lounges on the mattress, quietly eating his cereal. The scene cuts back to the main bedroom, where a solitary figure can be seen under a duvet in one of the double beds. A digital clock in a corner of the screen indicates 12.25pm. "Twelve twenty-five p.m. and Melanie is the only housemate still in bed." Melanie stirs under the duvet. Then she sticks her head out, yawns, stretches and throws the duvet aside. Her nightclothes consist only of a blue pair of jockey shorts. Suddenly she goes into a violent fit, screaming madly. "What the fuck? Holy Shit! Oh, fucking fuck! Oh Christ, fuck, shit, fuck, oh fucking hell! Oh shit, shit, shit!" Attracted by the noise some of the other housemates drift into the bedroom. There is motherly Susanna, gay pin-up Langdon and diffident bank clerk Trevor. Jack is still in the summerhouse and holiday rep Alistair is sunbathing by the pool. "What's the matter Mel?" asks Susanna. "What's the matter?" screams Melanie, "Look at me! Just look at me!" "Oh, you look just fine dear," croons Susanna, "just fine." Langdon tuts. "Women!" He goes back to the living area and Trevor follows. Susanna sits on the bed and tries to comfort Melanie. Melanie is weeping hysterically. She whispers to Susanna, "I'm Jack, I'm Jack." "Um, ok dear." "It's true! I went to bed a boy and now look at me! I'm Jack." Susanna strokes Melanie's shoulders comfortingly. "There, there. There, there." Cut to the living area. Susanna, Langdon, Trevor and Alistair are eating at the dining table. Melanie, wearing ill-fitting t-shirt and shorts from Jack's suitcase, slumps miserably in a chair by the wall. The clock on the screen shows 12.57pm. "Twelve fifty-seven p.m. and most of the housemates are eating lunch." Jack wanders in from the garden and the voiceover reminds viewers of his relationship with Melanie. "Melanie and Jack shared a bed together after the post-eviction party the previous night." Melanie looks up and says, "Is that you, Mel?" Jack looks surprised. "What are you talking about? I'm Jack, remember?" "What?" screams Melanie, "I'm Jack." "Yeah, right," says Jack, "Have you gone mental?" Melanie jumps up and launches herself at him. "You fucking fuck!" she screams, "What the fuck? Give me back my fucking body!" Jack coolly defends himself from Melanie's onslaught, warding off her blows and avoiding her attempts to tackle him. Alistair and Langdon separate the two of them and when Melanie has calmed down Susanna leads her out to the garden. "Oh, what's the matter dear?" says Susanna. "You can tell me. Did he, did he, um, interfere with you?" Melanie is visibly frustrated. "What? No, no, nothing happened. Not like that. It's...she's got my body! The bitch has got my body!" The voice of Big Brother blares out from the speakers in the house. "Would Melanie please come to the diary room?" Nobody stirs, so the voice repeats its request. "Would Melanie please come to the diary room?" "Go on," says Susanna, "you've got to go." "But I'm not...oh, what's the use?" Melanie enters the diary room and sits in a large, padded armchair decorated in silver and purple. "Hello Melanie," says the voice. "Hello Big Brother", Melanie says, grumpily. "How are you feeling today, Melanie?" "How do you think I'm feeling? I feel totally freaked. I'm in a completely different body! I'm a girl! I mean, I've got nothing against girls, I think they're wonderful, but I don't want to be one." "Why don't you want to be a girl, Melanie?" "I was quite happy being a boy. I was born that way. Why shouldn't I stay that way?" "Why do you think you were a boy, Melanie?" "Because... Oh, what's the use? I know this sounds ridiculous, but when I went to bed last night I was Jack, a boy. And look at me now!" "Big Brother would like to remind you, Melanie, that housemates are not permitted to physically threaten or attack each other. Big Brother takes a very serious view of such incidents and any repetition may see you expelled from the house. Do you want to be expelled from the house, Melanie?" "No, I guess I don't. I want to stay and find out what the fuck happened to me." "Can you promise not to attack Jack again, Melanie?" "Yes, Big Brother, I can promise not to attack Jack again, I suppose. I don't want the goods damaged before I get it back." "Is there anything else you'd like to say, Melanie?" "Yes, there is. Look, Big Brother sees everything doesn't, he? You've got all those cameras watching us all the time?" "Big Brother does see everything, Melanie." "Well, something happened to me last night, while I was asleep. Can you please check it out? Please, please, I've got to know! And can I have some aspirin? I feel fucking terrible." "Big Brother will get back to you, Melanie." *** Later that night, on companion show Big Brother's Hot Gossip, twinkle- eyed presenter Leery O'Flattery appears close to pissing himself with excitement. He waggles his arms and slaps his thigh with his clipboard, apparently unable to contain his glee. "My God, have we got a show for you, ladies and gentlemen. The day has been dominated by this crazy, sex-switch scandal. Can it be true? Can Melanie really be Jack in a different body? Who knows? We're through the looking glass here, people. We've really entered," pauses for freaky music, "the sci-fi zone! Ok, here are the facts, here's what we know." O'Flattery continues in voice-over over footage from cameras in the house. The housemates are lurching drunkenly around the living area. "Ok, Friday night, the post-eviction party carried on long into Saturday morning. As far as we can tell Jack had a bottle and a half of wine, ten cans of beer and seven very large shots of Scotch. But he's got form, he can take it, he was up comparatively early next morning, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Mel had a mere half a bottle of wine, three shandies and a medium sized vodka and coke. But she's only a girl. She can't take her drink. She slept very late on Saturday and seemed very hung-over, not to mention, well, the other stuff. So what, if anything, happened? Jack went to bed around twenty to three and apparently zonked out quite quickly." Cut to the bedroom at night. Through the infra-red camera the scene appears pale green and slightly luminescent. A few ghostly bodies loll, slug-like, on various beds. It is difficult to tell which of them is supposed to be Jack. "Melanie joined Jack in bed ten minutes later. Now, this is very interesting. To make sure we get to show you as much as possible of what happens in the house we always have the central heating very high during the night, to discourage the housemates from using their duvets, or indeed their clothes, ha ha ha. But, for some reason, Melanie evidently felt the need for some privacy that night." Melanie enters the room and strips off her frock. Her milk-white body contrasts eerily with her black underwear. Jack stirs feebly in his bed. Melanie picks up a duvet from the floor, leans over to kiss Jack and climbs into bed beside him, pulling the duvet all the way over both of them. "We assumed they just wanted some rumpy-pumpy together. But there's no sign of anything of the kind, no suspicious movement of the bedclothes, though we can't be sure. Maybe they were both too knackered for any hanky-panky or maybe they were just very careful. But did anything else happen, any weird, magic body-swap? Our researchers, in the interests of science, have spent many hours examining this footage of young, attractive people asleep in their underwear, to no avail. They couldn't see anything under that duvet." Back to O'Flattery in the studio, for the background story. "So, what has brought us to this extraordinary situation? Up until now Mel and Jack have been getting on rather well. Jack Barnes, internet entrepreneur, is only nineteen, but is already making major moolah trading sporting memorabilia on his website." Cut to archive footage of first Jack and then Melanie entering the house. "Melanie Davenport, father in publishing, mother third cousin to the Duke of Gloucester, is, at twenty-two, a fabulous beauty with the world at her feet. This charming couple, though from very different social backgrounds, seemed to hit it off very quickly." Montage of scenes of Jack and Melanie chatting, laughing, hugging and kissing. "To begin with Jack was the quiet one. He found it difficult to bond with the others and didn't have much to say for himself, except when the conversation turned to sport. He says he's only had two serious girlfriends and admits that he has sacrificed relationships to devote himself to his business, which he started in his bedroom in his parents' council house. But on Big Brother enforced absence from work has given him time to pursue other interests and he seemed to find Mel very interesting indeed. Apparently attracted by his seriousness and his quiet charm Mel has devoted herself to Jack almost throughout the series, listening to his football stories, laughing at his jokes and backing him up in every argument." And back to O'Flattery in the studio. "It seemed the perfect romance. Who could have imagined it would end up like something out of a science-fiction B-movie?" O'Flattery pauses for a quick chuckle and flicks through the notes on his clipboard. "Ok, the Royal College of Psychiatrists has issued a statement condemning Big Brother for 'exploiting an obviously disturbed young woman'. Our production company, Bendemall, have responded, 'The health and well-being of the housemates is always our greatest concern. We have trained counsellors on call at all times to attend to the housemates, should they wish it, and housemates are free to leave at any time.' Um, they also say, 'We are very pleased that Big Brother is highlighting the serious issue of gender dysphoria in such a challenging and innovative way.' And, uh, by the way, Mel was offered the chance to see a psychiatrist earlier today, but she turned it down. However she did demand to see a doctor to, and I quote, 'find out what the fucking fuck's wrong with me.' I can exclusively reveal to you that the doctor has pronounced Mel fit and healthy and not pregnant. So, good news there, though maybe Jack'll be disappointed with that. Who knows? "Melanie's brother, Roger has given his reaction to these events. He says, 'Can't you tell? It's a wind-up. Mel has always been a practical joker. Good on you, sis. I think it's hilarious.' Mel's mother, ah, Mrs Davenport, seems disgusted with her language. 'She's behaving abominably,' she says. 'We didn't bring up our daughter to swear like a trooper on national television.' Oh dear! I think Melanie'll be getting a bit of a bollocking from the old Mater when she gets out, oops, pardon my French. And finally, Mel's boyfriend, Geoffrey, says, 'tell her I love her and that Wee Willie Winkie wants to pay her a visit the moment she gets out.' Hmm. Well, we're not allowed to pass messages in to the housemates and, with the state Mel's in at the moment, I think that's a blessing in this case, don't you? "And now for the most important part of the show. What do you, the Great British Public, think? It's time for Big Brother Nationwide." Cut to a series of vox-pops from a garish armchair parked outside a shopping centre in Essex. First up, a scabby young man in a bomber jacket plonks himself down and starts holding forth. "What I fink is that she's confused, right? Jacky boy, he done the number on her so hard it's turned her brain. 'Cos that happens with girls, right? Lots of times I've had a girl and I've done the business, shagging her brains out, knoworramean? And in the morning she don't remember my name any more, or recognise me in the street, or return my phone calls, or nuffink! That' s what I fink." Next up is a plump middle-aged woman in a tent-like black dress, black lipstick and a crow's nest of black hair, barely restrained by a Winnie- the-Pooh hairclip. "I think that Melanie is clearly going through a very difficult spiritual transformation that will, eventually, lead her onto the path to deeper spiritual wholeness, but in this difficult transitional stage she needs a trained psychic counsellor, such as myself, to help her through the difficult process. I would be very happy to offer my services to Bendemall, at a very reasonable rate, to help that beautiful soul through this difficult time." Finally a tiny ball of malevolence in a mini-skirt and a boob tube sits down and rages at the camera. "She's a miserable cow! What does she think she's playing at, eh? She's taking the piss. She's obviously pissed 'cos Jacky dumped her, didn't he? And now she's trying to fuck it up for Jacky. But he don't need her. What's he need a miserable cow like that for when he can have a proper woman, like me? I love you, Jack! I love you, Jack!" Her friend then pops her head into shot to join in. "I love you too, Jack! WE LOVE YOU, JACK! WE LOVE YOU, JACK!" Cut back to O'Flattery. "Well, ha ha, that's all for now. We were going to have a Jack look-alike competition but unfortunately we've run out of time. And anyway, we wouldn't know whether to have boys or girls, ha ha ha. Join us again tomorrow, for Big Brother's Hot Gossip, right after the highlights show." *** The next day there are further developments. Leery O'Flattery is on the case. "Ok, it seems Melanie now thinks she remembers something about the crucial night, and she spent most of Sunday searching for a mysterious medallion, which she claims was somehow involved. And sure enough, among the personal possessions Mel took into the house was an apparently rather tacky looking bit of jewellery, which she described to the producer as a 'lucky amulet'. This amulet, or medallion, has not definitely been seen out of Mel's suitcase for the whole of the series, but it's not there now and where it is we don't really know. Mel has been turning the house upside down looking for it and nobody really wants to interrupt her." Shots of Mel emptying cupboards in the house while most of the others sit disconsolately around the pool in the garden. "Jacky boy has generally been staying out of Mel's way. And who can blame him? She's petite, but she's feisty!" Jack is seen sitting in the summerhouse with Langdon. "The other main news of the day is that Jack seems to be getting very close to Langdon. Langdon has been extremely supportive of Jack throughout the weekend and Jack seems to really appreciate it." Shots of Jack and Langdon sunbathing, laughing together and kicking a football around. "Langdon Armstrong, ex-model, one time Mr Gay UK, prominent supporter of several gay charities and described by some tabloids as 'the most eligible poof in the country', has been something of a peace-maker in the house. In the first few weeks he clashed frequently with Dirk, the other gay housemate, but since Dirk's eviction he has calmed down a lot. At twenty-five he's a bit older than most of the other housemates and he seems to have taken on a kind of fatherly role mediating in disputes and acting as a confidante to some of the other guys. And now he seems to have taken Jack under his wing. How will that develop? Who knows? *** On Monday the excitement continues. "Day fifty-three in the Big Brother house. Eight forty-one a.m. and Jack and Langdon are sharing the shower." It's an outdoor shower and Jack and Langdon are soaping themselves down in their swimming trunks while gossiping about the housemates. Langdon occasionally touches Jack familiarly on the arm. He turns round and Jack washes his back for him. Melanie appears, shouts something incoherent at Jack and Langdon and stomps off again. "Eight-fifty a.m. Melanie is in the garden, searching for the medallion." Melanie paces the flower borders, bent double and occasionally sifting soil through her fingers. When she gets to the summerhouse she crawls slowly round it on her knees until, suddenly, she pulls something out of the earth and jumps up triumphantly. It is, indeed, a medallion, encrusted with mud and attached to a small rusty chain. She wipes the dirt off it. She tries waving it, blowing on it, kissing it and rubbing it between her hands while crying out, "Come on Genie, come out, come out, wherever you are!" but nothing happens. So she stomps off back to the house. At the shower Jack is towelling himself off and Langdon has dropped his trunks to finish washing himself when they notice Melanie coming towards them waving the medallion. "Christ! Here comes trouble," says Jack and disappears into the house. Melanie storms off after him and finds him in the bedroom, packing up his clothes. "Look what I've got!" "Yeah, I see. Now what are you gonna do with it?" "Aaarrgh! I don't know. You've got tell me!" "Yeah, like I'd know. This is your fucked-up delusion, Mel. Leave me out of it." "You bitch! You did this to me and you'll pay somehow!" Melanie seems close to attacking Jack again, but Langdon comes in and stands protectively in front of him. When Jack has packed all his belongings, apart from the clothes Melanie has been wearing, he and Langdon carry Jack's suitcase off to the summerhouse and then take turns guarding it from Melanie. "Ten thirty-four a.m. and Melanie and Susanna are sitting by the pool." Susanna is listening patiently while Melanie rants. "Didn't I say? And there it was! It just must have something to do with it, mustn't it?" "Possibly, I suppose." "What do you mean possibly? Of course it does. And then Mel took all my stuff away. That's got to be significant. I bet if I had something of his I could somehow use it, with the medallion, to change myself back." "But you do have things of his. You're wearing them right now." "Yes but they're probably contaminated now, or something, with girlitude. I've got to get something that he, I mean she, has just been wearing. And he knows it. Why else would he take all his clothes away? "Um, maybe he just got tired of you nicking them." "Oh bloody hell Susie, that's pathetic! You're no use at all. Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry, I don't mean that. Please forgive me." Melanie turns and clutches desperately at Susanna, burying her head in Susanna's shoulders. Susanna puts her arms around Melanie and gently pats her. "I'm really sorry, Sue," says Melanie, "Actually, I'm so glad you're here, I don't know if I could have coped without you. You've been wonderful. It's just... I can hardly bear it, seeing him, her, wandering around like that. And then there's bloody Langdon, the way he looks at me all the time." "What? Langdon?" "Yeah, haven't you seen them? He's constantly ogling me, I mean my body, I mean her." "Oh, right. I see what you mean." Monday is nomination day. Melanie is the fourth to be called to the diary room to nominate. "Hello Melanie. Could you please state your first nomination for eviction and give your reasons." "I nominate Melanie, because the bitch stole my body." "Melanie, Big Brother rules state that housemates are not permitted to nominate themselves for eviction. Please state your first nomination for eviction." "Oh, for fuck's sake, you know who I mean. I don't want to say it." "Please state your first nomination for eviction." "All right, all right! I nominate Jack, because he's a two-faced, backstabbing, thieving bitch." "Please state your second nomination for eviction and give your reasons." "For my second nomination I nominate Langdon for the reason that...the way the two of them are carrying on. All that lovey-dovey stuff is making me sick. I want my arsehole to still close up properly when I get it back, if you know what I mean." The rest of the nominations don't go Melanie's way. In the final tally, Melanie herself gets the most nominations, for being psycho (according to Jack, Langdon and Trevor) or because "she really needs to get away from this stressful situation" (according to Susanna), and Alistair gets the second most, for not changing his socks often enough. So Melanie and Alistair are to face the public vote on Friday. "Eight thirty-eight p.m. All the boys are in the garden." Alistair and Trevor are playing football on the grass while Jack and Langdon sit in the pool gently kissing each other on the lips. "Meanwhile Melanie and Susanna are in the bedroom. Susanna is showing Melanie her eviction outfit." "Good grief, Susie! That's beautiful." "Thanks. I don't usually dress up much, it's usually just back from work, change into jeans and jumper, you know. I don't go out much. But I thought it'd be nice to have something special for Big Brother." "I don't remember seeing you in any of this stuff." "No. I only bought it for my last night here, whenever that is. It's all brand new." "You haven't worn any of it? Even the underwear?" "No." "Wait a minute, you bought eviction knickers?" Susanna laughs. "Yes. And an eviction bra." "It's nice. Frilly." The bra is black and lacy, with a little under- wiring for Susanna's busty figure. Melanie picks it up and strokes it thoughtfully. "You know, I've never properly looked at one of these close up before. Spent more time concentrating on what was in them. But this is nice." Cut to Jack and Langdon, arms around each other's waists, making their way through the garden. "Eleven-thirty p.m. Susanna, Alistair and Trevor are asleep. Melanie is in bed trying to get to sleep. Jack and Langdon have moved into the summerhouse." Cut to the bedroom. Susanna, Alistair and Trevor lie inert in their beds. Melanie is sitting up in hers, with the medallion round her neck, fondling Susanna's bra. Cut to Jack and Langdon, kissing passionately in the summerhouse. Cut to Melanie, lying flat out asleep, with Susanna's bra lying against the medallion. Cut to Langdon, on the mattress in the Summerhouse, with his hands behind his head, smiling contentedly. A duvet covers his lower half. Jack's legs can be seen sticking out at the other end of the duvet. Under the duvet, in the area of Langdon's groin, something appears to be moving slowly up and down. Cue end credits. *** Reporting Tuesday's developments Leery O'Flattery is almost beside himself with rapture. "Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday's extraordinary events, phew! Melanie... How can I put this? Well, she's busting out all over, so she is. It's incredible. Sometime yesterday morning, we don't know exactly when, she went from this..." Shot of Melanie entering the house, perfectly composed and coolly aristocratic, with a small and elegant bosom. "...to this. Wow!" Melanie as she is now, haggard, wild-eyed and unwashed, the large men's t-shirt she's wearing not large enough to conceal the fleshy bounty underneath. "Can you believe it? None of her bras fit any more! Not that she's been wearing any for the last four days. Ok, our mathematicians have been working round the clock, on, ahem, blow-up photos of Melanie estimating angles of incidence and extensions of protrusions and they calculate that Melanie has gone up at least a couple of cup sizes, possibly up to a 'D'. Golly! "So how on Earth has this happened? Apparently it's actually perfectly normal for a lady's breasts to swell and contract a little with her monthly cycle, but not usually by this much. It has been suggested that the intense atmosphere in the house, full of sexual tension, stress and adrenaline, may have produced a highly unusual, but not impossible, overnight hormonal surge, with what amazing results you can see for yourself. Or was it, as Melanie claims, the medallion? She thought it would turn her back into a man. Instead, it's made her more of a woman. How is that possible? Who knows? Melanie's boyfriend, Geoffrey, says he sees no difference! He says she's always been a D-cup. At least, that's what she told him. "In the house Melanie's new assets have drawn stunned gasps from Alistair and Trevor, expressions of sympathetic concern from Susanna and complete indifference from Jack and Langdon. Melanie herself seems strangely fascinated by them. Take a look at this." Cut to film of Melanie staring at herself in a mirror. She moves around, trying to examine herself from different angles. She pulls her t-shirt up to expose her breasts, then puts it back down again. Then there's a thirty second montage of scenes of Melanie in a variety of locations around the house touching, brushing, stroking and squeezing her breasts through her t-shirt. An electronic counter in the corner of the screen records the number of incidents. O'Flattery appears almost orgasmic with excitement, apparently gasping for breath. "Ok, heh, heh, ok, phew! Well, that's a grand total of fifty-one eh-oh over a twelve hour period, twenty nine of those concentrating particularly on the area of the nipples. Our Mel has been feeling herself up at a rate of over four times an hour! And who can blame her? In fact, couldn't we see that again?" There are appreciative cheers from the audience in the studio. "Yeah, come on, lets see that again." The whole sequence is repeated, with comedy sound effects added. "Ha ha ha! Actually, anything that distracts Mel from ex-flame Jack has got to be good for her. She certainly doesn't want to upset herself thinking too much about this." Scene of Jack and Langdon strolling through the garden, hand in hand. "Or this." Langdon rubbing suntan lotion into Jack's back. "Or this." At the dinner table Langdon looks dreamily at Jack. He makes a dabbing motion at his lips and says, "Uh, Jack, I think you've got something on your mouth." They both dissolve into laughter. "Or this." The housemates are sitting in the lounge discussing each other's best features. Jack says, "Um, what I like best about Langdon, he has, you know, an excellent taste," long, significant pause, "in clothes." Jack licks his lips and Langdon starts giggling. "Hey, Jack and Langdon, eh," says O'Flattery, "what do we think? Don't they make a lovely couple?" Cheers from the audience. "Yeah, fabulous, a bit of good old-fashioned Big Brother romance, we love it! But what about Jack's parents? What do they make of their son coming out on television? I spoke to them earlier today." Mr and Mrs Barnes are a stolid, middle-aged couple. Mr Barnes: "Well, obviously it's a bit of a shock. I mean, you don't expect it do you, finding out from the telly that your own son's a..." Mrs Barnes: "But he's still our son and we'll always love him no matter what, won't we dear? And that Langdon's such a nice boy. Ooh, it would be lovely to have a son-in-law like him." O'Flattery: "And what about Melanie? What do you think of her?" Mrs Barnes: "Well, she seems a bit... I think she needs help, you know." Mr Barnes: "We've consulted a lawyer. We can get an injunction if she tries any funny business." *** By Wednesday and Thursday Jack and Langdon are the top story. Every moment they spend together is carefully analysed by O'Flattery. "So, have we really had some actual Big Brother gay rumpo? Who knows? Under that duvet we just can't tell. But the couple did seem very passionate on Wednesday night and this morning Jack has been walking in a slightly bow-legged fashion and he seems to be taking unusual care when sitting down. Also, he has been smiling, laughing and joking in a way that I don't think we've ever seen from him before. Meanwhile Langdon has been grinning like a Cheshire cat all day. "In other news, birds fly, bears shit in the woods, the Pope wears a funny hat and women get cranky when they're having their periods. Check this out." Alistair, Trevor and Susanna are sitting having breakfast when an anguished shriek comes from the bedroom. They exchange weary looks and then Susanna goes to investigate. Melanie is lying on her bed, staring in horror at her hands. "Oh God, Susie, I think I've broken something! I mean, I only touched it. Ok, I rubbed it a bit. I didn't think it would hurt, but there's...there's blood!" "Oh, Mel. Um, are you sure you're not just having your, you know?" "What? Oh Christ, of course! Oh, fuck! Oh, God!" "Here, you've got some pads in your suitcase, let me show you." Later that afternoon, Jack brings his suitcase back to the bedroom and starts unloading it. Melanie instantly puts on her medallion, grabs one of Jack's shirts and starts rubbing it against the medallion as hard as she can. Nothing happens. Jack leans over and whispers something in Melanie's ear. She looks up at him, aghast. "You're kidding! That's mad. You mean it won't work at all while I'm..." "Nope." "Well, how long will it be, you know, until it finishes?" "How should I know? I'm a man amn't I? But, if I had to, I'd guess about four or five days." "Oh, dear God!" Melanie pulls off the medallion and throws it to the floor. Then she holds her head in her hands and Jack starts laughing. *** On Friday night the eviction show is hosted by Mattina Devine, gurning matriarch of Big Brother. She whips the crowd into a screaming frenzy and then addresses the house. "Big Brother house, this is Mattina. You are live on Channel Four, please do not swear. Alistair and Melanie, the votes have been counted and verified and I can now reveal that the seventh person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is," ludicrous pause, "Melanie! You have thirty minutes to get ready and say your goodbyes and then I'm coming to get you!" Melanie is prepared for it. She's at the end of her tether, sickened to have been voted out, but not sure she could bear another minute in the house. She wants to go as she is, t-shirt and shorts, but Susanna persuades her to make an effort. "Come on, you've got this one chance to really shine, to show everyone what you're made of." Gently and efficiently Susanna bathes Melanie, washes her hair and dresses her up in an embroidered, pleated, black skirt, a red, silk blouse and strappy, high-heeled sandals. "Hmm. You really have to wear a bra with that, otherwise you'll be wobbling about all over the place." "My bras don't fit." "I know. Take mine. No, I insist, I have others. You can have my black one. You seemed to like it." "Oh Susie, thank you so much. My first bra." "Oh yes, your first bra." With five minutes to go Melanie suddenly realises she can't find the medallion. She rushes frantically around the house, tripping up on her heels, still looking for it as the voice of Big Brother rings through the house. "Melanie, you have been evicted. Please leave the Big Brother house." "Don't worry," cries Susanna, "Just go. Enjoy yourself. I'll find it; I'll see you get it. Goodbye, see you soon." They hug warmly, not wanting to leave each other. "Melanie, you have been evicted. Please leave the Big Brother house." Then the doors open and Melanie is confronted by the screaming crowd. As Mattina leads her to the studio there are boos and shouts of "Psycho" and "Weirdo". But there are some cheers as well. There are some placards reading "We love you Melanie" or "We love you Jack" and some with both, for those who weren't sure. Melanie's post-eviction interview is strained and unruly. She is exhausted by the events of the past week and she is not inclined to be cooperative. When reminiscing about the house she insists on referring to things Jack said and did instead of herself. "So what have you learned from your time in the house," asks Mattina. "I've learned to walk in heels and that I'll never sleep on my front again." *** Over the following weekend Jack and Langdon so annoy the others with their constant petting that they both end up being nominated and Langdon is voted out. In his interview he is chivalrously reticent about exactly how far he and Jack have gone, but he does admit to having a deep affection for Jack. "Very, very deep, if you know what I mean." And a week after that it's the grand final. Boring Trevor and soppy Susanna are first and second out and then it's between laddish Alistair and handsome Jack. "Alistair and Jack, the votes have been counted and verified and I can reveal that the winner of this year's Big Brother is...Jack!!!" When Jack gets out there are only cheers. This quiet, sensitive young man and the heart-warming way he has come out and found love has touched the nation. As Mattina leads him to be interviewed he pulls the medallion out of his pocket, swings it round his head and throws it into the crowd. Jack's interview is a triumph. He is modest, funny and charming. He thanks everyone who voted for him and all the housemates for being such good friends to him. He speaks passionately of his love for Langdon. "He...he really helped me so much to, you know, find my real self. He's such an incredible guy, I just love him to bits." He even thanks Melanie. "You know, she gave me something really special. I won't forget her. We had our differences at the end, but I wish her the best, I really mean that." His future, he says, lies completely with Langdon. "I'm gonna sell my business and then me and Langdon are gonna set up a fashion line. We've got so many ideas, it'll be great." On the medallion he insists that it had actually been his all along, that Melanie had, in fact, given it to him, "before she went doolally." "She said it was lucky, and it was. Look at me now! And I hope whoever caught it gets as much out of it as I did." *** In the months after Big Brother selling his story to the papers ("Big Brother Turned me Gay and I Love it!"), nightclub appearances with Langdon and a spot as a society correspondent on a morning magazine show have turned Jack into a much-loved celebrity and when the photos from Jack and Langdon's civil partnership were published in Star magazine they felt like the first couple of gay UK. Melanie, meanwhile, has dumped her boyfriend and been disowned by her family, but she supports herself well with money from personal appearances and topless photo-shoots. "Look at them all you want, boys," she tells her fans. "I don't care. They're not mine after all." She plans to release a fitness video, "Exercise Your Way to a Bigger Bust", and she shares a bachelor flat with Susanna, who acts as her agent. Melanie has been romantically linked with three Premier League footballers, one of the presenters of TV's "Football in Focus", an international rugby player and a formula one racing driver. Occasionally she looks through junk shops or car boot sales, wondering if she'll ever again find the tatty bit of metal that started it all off, but she doesn't really want to go back to how things were. Sleeping with sportsmen is much more fun than just collecting their autographs. And after all, Jack went on Big Brother hoping to change his life and it certainly did that. The End comments? - [email protected]