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My Life By: Chris "Jennifer" Smith My life is that of a sad one. Now don't get me wrong I had several high points. My life is sad for two reasons. The first of which is that I don't remember much of my life before my jr. High years. The second is that one thing that I do remember ever since I was about five years old is that I have the mind and soul of a female but the body of a male. How all of my troubles started was that one day when I was five I was in the playroom of my Aunt's house while there on a visit. I was in the playroom and got into the most girly thing that I could find. A TUTU. When I turned around I saw my Mother's face looking in the window of the playroom door. I never will forget the reaction that I got from her seeing me in the tutu. She started laughing. Now I don't want any of this to sound like I blame her for of my problems as it would have been the normal reaction to seeing a boy dressed as femenine as the most girly girl. Mom, I understand and your reaction was not your fault. The fault was all mine when I didn't tell you how I felt about wanting, wishing, praying that I would wake up one day as I felt I was inside. Ever since then I thought that if I didn't keep my thoughts a secret that i woud be laughed at, scorned, or critisized. This is one instance that I let my fears get the better of me. I tried do hard to just fit in but it was to no avail. It was as if I was in the middle of a step and just past the point of no return I found out that I had ran out road falling flat on my face. I tried to just forget about it and was successful from my freshman year till age 24. It was a mistake that nearly cost me my life on more that a few occaissions. Durring all that time I put up a wall and for those years I felt that the wall was weakening. When the wall finnally broke I tried to go to my parents for help. Now the result of that meeting was in no way thear fault. I was for all intents and purposes thinking "girl" and was allways quite a bit dramatic and they thought that I was "acting" just to get attention. I felt heartbroken that they didn't see that I was actually telling them, or trying to tell them my plight of being transgender. I blame myself now as I didn't tell them that up front. The only thing that I told them was that I needed help. Without knowing what to do now and not caring I went to the police station in Odessa and bluntly told the dispatcher that If I didn't get help that I was going to kill either myself or someone else. With that they took me by ambulance to Truman West Medical Hospital. I was rushed up to the Psyciatric ward on the third floor where they stripped me of everything that could have the potential of harming myself or others. To make this part of the story short the trip to the hospital allowed me to be free of any obligations for a few weeks but that was all the help they could give. They couldn't treat me because they had no way of knowing that I was a trenssexual. I never told any of them. With all that went on I think that there were three things that saved me from ending my life. The first was that my parents found me after not being in contact with them for two years, and just telling my Mom about my feelings and longings of a feminine life. The second thing was the thought of what would my children do when I was gone. They wouldn't have a father. The third being the job that I have now. The boss that I have is a little odd but he knows about my plight and is not only accepting but also supportive. That brings me to the present time. I am still a male on the outside but I am making my journey to who I feel I am in my heart. I have the evergrowing support of my family and friends. Although I may be depressed much of the time I just think of all the people that care about me and support me and need me and I can't help but smile. Life may hold more bumps for some but know that if you need any help or mental support you can allways reach me at my email. [email protected] HUGGS AND KISSES Jennifer

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