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HOMECOMING Even though it was November, it felt like spring in Tucson. Raised in the cold Midwest, Kelly felt there was something fundamentally wrong with a Homecoming game that lacked the crisp bite of impending winter, but who was she to complain? If she had been in the Midwest, she wouldn't have been able to wear a short jean skirt and flat summer sandals to go with her jersey and U of A earrings. She could not deny that the loved how cute the outfit made her feel. When her two co-workers at the mortgage brokerage had broached the idea of going to the Homecoming game, she had not been particularly excited by the idea. She was hardly a fan of college football. But Jenny and Kara had graduated from Arizona less than two years ago, and they had insisted she come along when a client gave them tickets. "Why would I want to go? I didn't go to U of A. I went to Purdue." "It'll be fun!" pleaded Kara. "Oh come on!" insisted Jenny. "It'll be like being in college again!" In the end, Kelly could not bring herself to disappoint her friends. Kara and Jenny had been in the same training class with her when she had joined the brokerage firm. As the only women in their department, in a male-dominated profession, the three young women had bonded in a surprisingly short time. They did EVERYTHING together, not only at work but in their social lives as well. Jenny and Kara were the sisters that Kelly had always wanted. Now, as Jenny drove her convertible Chrysler Sebring through the streets looking for a parking spot, Kelly could not deny that she was having fun. The dry desert wind blew through Kelly's long black hair, occasionally whipping loose strands over her sunglasses. Even through the tinted lenses she could see male eyes surreptitiously turn as the three attractive young women swept past them. While neither of her friends acknowledged the attention, they were aware of the looks they drew. Kelly could not help the smug satisfaction that flowed through her as she watched heads turn. Eventually, Jenny stopped the car and maneuvered into a parallel parking spot. Jenny easily slipped her car into the tight spot, the skills she had developed in her not-so-long ago undergraduate days easily coming back to her. Instead of waiting for her friends to exit the car, Kelly gracefully lifted her tanned legs from the back seat and slid them over the side of the car, her sandals lightly landing on the pavement below. As the three friends merged into the crowd, Kelly immediately recognized that the U of A students accepted them as one of their group from their inclusive glances and their campus banter. A group of guys began the chant "U of A! U of A! U of A!" as they waited at an intersection for the light to turn so they could cross. Jenny and Kara immediately picked up the chant, along with the rest of the crowd. With hundreds of young men and women shouting, feeling far younger than her twenty-six years, Kelly added her well-trained voice to the cadence. The crowd's repetitive rumble swallowed her sweet tones. Oh god, this IS fun! But its nothing like college. Kelly had spent those undergraduate years pressed against the glass of life, enviously looking on as everyone else enjoyed the social whirl of parties, football games and friends. Back then, Kelly had nothing but classes, work, and a few marginal acquaintances that were called "friends" simply because Kelly didn't know any better. Kelly's life had been completely empty for one agonizing reason: she had been a he; a bitter, confused and isolated young man who hated the world and everything in it. The stoplight changed and the crowd surged across Speedway Boulevard. Kelly stumbled as her legs started to move, distracted by the wave of hateful memories that flooded her brain. She tried to stop a sudden tear from flowing down her smooth cheek, rapidly blinking in an unsuccessful attempt to keep her light makeup intact. As her startled eyes looked down at her feet, she caught a glimpse of pale pink polish on the toes of her soft feet. A wave of unreality washed over her. This can't really be me. This can't really be my life. Irrational fear burned deep in her belly. Jenny did not know. And neither did Kara. NO ONE in Tucson knew about her past. Lost in the midst of the crowd, her paranoia made her believe she stood on the edge of discovery. Somehow they all would find out about her past and this idyllic, wonderful day would be ripped away from her by rejection and ridicule just like her childhood had been. She abruptly stopped, unable to keep moving. As the crowd flowed around them, a concerned Jenny grabbed her elbow and said, "Are you OK?" Kelly belatedly poked at her tear filled eye with an enameled forefinger and said, "Yeah. I'm just having a contact problem." Jenny gave her friend a brief, doubtful glare, then decided to accept her answer. She'd sensed for a long time there was something Kelly had not told her, but she did not care. Kelly would talk when she was ready. Until then, Jenny would simply be there for her. "C'mon guys, we'll miss the kickoff!" urged Kara, her short blond hair riffling in the breeze. Kelly forced her legs into motion and tried to forget about anything but the visceral pleasures of the moment. The slight bounce of her generous C-cup breasts, the long flowing hair gently moving against her back and the earrings dangling at her ears suddenly made her hyper-aware of her feminine existence. This was the first time she had ever attended a sporting event since her transition, and the experience of being a collegiate hottie in a football crowd was a new sensation for her. Women looked at her clothes and compared her to themselves. Clusters of tailgating males called out greetings and invitations as she and her friends walked past. Occasionally she acknowledged these offers with a smile and a reluctant shake of her head. Other times she simply ignored them. In contrast to these admittedly ego-boosting encounters, she had also never felt so small in her life. Lost in the press of a large group of people, she was acutely aware of the 50 pounds of muscle she had lost from her 5'7" frame since...before...and, for one of the few times since those days, she regretted their absence. Well, not really. But gosh, these people....these guys...are so BIG. They could stomp me without half thinking if they weren't paying attention. Somehow she hadn't noticed it in quite the same way in her everyday life. Kelly glanced at her friends, who were even more petite than she was at 5'3" and 5'4" respectively. Jenny and Kara aren't intimidated. Get it together, girl! Girl. God she loved calling herself by the title she had worked so hard to earn. "Girl" was an appropriate description of her body and, more importantly, her entire life. A year and a half since her surgery, and the change in her status still amazed and gratified her. It was a miracle come to life. A transformation that had only seemed a dream was now her reality. Not just her body, but her friends, her job, and her life now reflected who she was in her heart. Even so, there were still empty places in her life. Holes in her past that still wounded her. Experiences she felt she could never have back because she had simply been wrong when those opportunities had been available. Today, she had an opportunity to catch a glimpse of the past she had missed. She was determined not to let anything stop her from grabbing that chance. Not even her own fear. The crowd flowed into the outdated stadium. While a perfectly respectable edifice for college, it hardly compared to the NFL venues she had gone to with her football-mad father. Even so, there was a vibrancy and passion that the mercenary NFL lacked. Despite its sparkling suites and modern architecture, the NFL was cold: cold with expectations of success and profit no matter how loudly the fans screamed or how skilled the players. Once, as a child, Jason had so badly wanted to play this most masculine of games. Now Kelly realized she had wanted those things out of a desire to win the respect of her father and her oh-so-cruel schoolmates. Jason had wanted to accomplish something they could not in revenge for the contempt they showered upon him. All of that was behind her now, and Kelly reveled in the scene. Jenny and Kara wound their way through the steps of the stadium, checking seat numbers until they found the proper row. Their seats were so close to the student section they felt part of it. Soon the inevitable "U of A! U of A!" chant rose again. Kelly, Kara and Jenny joined their voices with the throng, waving their hands in unison with everyone else. "Jenny! Kara!" called a happy female voice from the aisle. Jenny and Kara's heads immediately turned, looking for the person who had recognized them. A smiling young woman with light brown hair waved along with a red haired friend. Kara immediately answered, "Steph! Nicole! Oh god its great to see you guys!" Jenny glanced behind them, making sure the empty seats right behind them she had noticed earlier were as yet unoccupied then said, "Sit with us! We can catch up." As Jenny and Kara's friend made their way to the empty seats, Kelly turned a raised eyebrow to Jenny who explained, "Steph and Nicole were in our Pi Phi pledge class. We haven't seen them since graduation." High pitched squeals filled the air as Jenny and Kara greeted their friends with hugs. "Steph, how have you been. Are you still working for Dell in Austin?" asked Jenny. Stephanie nodded. "Do you like being a corporate trainer?" "Most of the time," answered the slim, green eyed beauty. "Are you still with Steve?" asked Kara. Nicole burst out laughing. "Oh god no. I can't believe I ever considered marrying that jerk. Fortunately I woke up in time." Stephanie glanced toward Nicole and continued, "Nicole and I were just talking about him." Jenny turned to Nicole. "What about you? I remember you were still trying to decide what do when we graduated." "Oh, I moved to Florida and bartended on Miami Beach for a year. It was fun. Now I'm in law school in Virginia." "Law School?" echoed a clearly surprised Kara. "When did you decide to become a lawyer?" "Oh god, you didn't live with us in the dorms, now did you?" retorted Jenny. "Do you have any idea how many times she kept me up freshman year because she couldn't stop watching reruns of "The Practice"? She drooled over Dylan McDermot so much I thought I would have to get her fixed." Stephanie and Kara tittered gleefully, while a annoyed grimace crossed Nicole's delicate features. Meanwhile, Kelly, who felt somewhat left out of the happy reunion, could not believe how easily Jenny and Kara had slipped back into "sorority girl" mode. They would not have been caught dead acting so frivolous at work, or even in the clubs they frequented with other young professionals at night. Kara apparently sensed Kelly's mood because she then said, "Nicole, Stephanie, this is Kelly, she works with us at the Williams Center." Kelly waved and said, "Nice to meet you." Nicole smiled in response while Stephanie proclaimed, "You hang with these two and you haven't been fired yet? You must be a good influence on them!" The other three burst out in giggles. "Are you telling me they were bad in school?" Stephanie rolled her eyes. "You have NO idea. It was all I could do to maintain a semblance of order," finished Steph in a prim voice. "Oh listen to Mother Theresa!" retorted Jenny. "Don't let Steph's goody- goody act fool you, Kel. Everything we know about partying, we learned from HER!" "Yeah," agreed Nicole. "She corrupted us." Kara chimed in. "We would have spent four years STUDYING if it hadn't been for Steph." "And you enjoyed every minute!" Peals of laughter broke out once again. Kelly could not help but fight back tears once again. She remembered watching groups of pretty girls like these during her undergraduate days. Jason had watched how they moved, enviously listened to snatches of their lives and wished he could have even an hour like that in his life. Now Kelly was part of such a group. She had never truly believed it possible. Even so, Kelly could not help but feel that she had missed so much. Today was a both a measure of how much far she had come and how much she had lost. She tried to hide the sudden well of her emotions by turning away from her friend and checking her makeup in her compact. The roar of the crowd as the kickoff spun into the air pulled Kelly's attention back to the field. The home crowd's anticipation faded into anguish as Cal's returner ran through the entire Arizona squad to score a touchdown. Kelly had never watch a football game with "the girls" before. It was decidedly a very different experience. Having once played the game in high school (barely), Kelly knew about things like cover-2 defenses and rotating zones. Today, however, she felt no pressure to "know" anything, no sense of failure because she was not good enough to take the field. Instead all she had to do was enjoy the ebb and flow of the crowd's emotions. Of course, the point of view was quite a bit different too. It took less than a quarter for the discussion to turn toward the guys on the field. "Check out the tight-end!" cooed Jenny. "Which one?" asked Nicole. "You're bad. I mean the guy playing the position. He..." Stephanie interrupted, "Jenny! Didn't we tell you? Nicole and I ran into him last night at the Keys." "Oh. Do you ladies have a story to tell?" "No," replied Nicole with disgust. "He's totally useless. He was there with his girlfriend." After falling behind 16-3 against ninth rated Cal, Arizona caught fire in the second half. Big play followed big play. Suddenly, it was the fourth quarter and Arizona held a slim lead. Cal, however, had one last chance to steal away the game. Methodically, the Cal drove to midfield until, finally, the Golden Bear quarterback threw and interception. After time expired, the student section rushed the field despite pleas from the PA to stay in their seats. Excited students climbed the goal posts and began to rock up and down while other simply cavorted in jubilation on the field. Even though Kelly's friends had been caught up in the collegiate atmosphere, none of them were silly enough to rush the field. Despite their restraint, they still gathered into a group hug and took up the "U of A!" chant once more. * * * Less than half an hour later, the five young ladies descended on Frog and Firkin, a popular U of A hangout right on University Drive. Though Jenny and Kara had refused to cruise their old college hangouts since Kelly had known them, her friends now insisted on going to Frog's after reuniting with Steph and Nicole. Maybe Stephanie really DID corrupt them. Kara managed to grab an outside table with five empty chairs despite the post game madness that engulfed the Frog. Stephanie managed to order a pitcher of margaritas from their harried waitress while Jenny demanded, "So Kelly, what did you think of your first U of A game?" "It was great!" "Are you telling us you're an Arizona fan now, instead of...where was it again...Purdue?" "Very funny, Kara. You're not converting me that easily." "I don't know ladies, I think we have. I seem to remember someone who looks a whole lot like you screaming her lungs out," added Nicole. Jenny continued to needle Kelly. "I know what it is. Kel, won't give up her crush on Drew Brees." "I never said I had a crush on him. I had a class with him sophomore year." "Oh no, you didn't have crush on him. You just wore miniskirts every class because Indiana is so warm during the winter." Kelly glared at Jenny until she dropped the subject. The last thing she wanted to do was talk about her days at Purdue. The more she talked, the greater the chance she'd make a slip that she could not explain. Nicole scooted her chair back and made half a motion to get up, but the bar was so crowded her chair plowed into a press of bodies. "This is ridiculous. I need to pee and I can't even get up." A tall dark-haired guy turned around at Nicole's statement. His electric blue eyes quickly scanned the table full of attractive young women. He eyes settled on Kelly as he said, "That's why you ladies should come to our party. It's at the Kappa house." As Nicole finally won the room to stand up and head for the ladies room, Jenny answered, "If its such a great party, what are you doing here?" The cute guy turned around even farther to display the "Frog and Firkin" logo on his shirt and answered, "I'm working. My shift is up in half an hour." "We'll think about it," replied Kara in a dismissive tone. The guy shrugged and turned back to the next table. Stephanie glanced at Kara. "Don't be such a stick-in the mud. It might be fun." Jenny laughed. "Some things never change." Kara snorted. "Steph just wants to put her education degree to work. Thank god she never applied to a middle-school. We'd be seeing her on the news." Jenny and Stephanie giggled. Meanwhile Kelly said, "I think we should go." Jenny and Kara chorused, "Ohhhhhhhhh." As Steph's eyebrows furrowed, Jenny explained, "Little miss "voice of reason" here ALWAYS warns us about guys we don't know." "It's like she's our mom," seconded Kara. Nicole, who stood behind Stephanie after returning from the bathroom, said, "In that case, ladies, we HAVE to go...for Kelly's sake." Kelly felt her a sudden warmth rush through her face and she knew she must be turning red with embarrassment. "That's it!" exclaimed Stephanie, her eyes gleaming with deviltry. "We're going!" Stephanie, Kara and Jenny stood up in a flash, while Nicole grabbed Kelly's wrist and tugged lightly as Kelly stubbornly hunched in her chair. After momentary resistance, she gave in and joined the exodus. * * * If anything, the press of bodies at the frat house was even worse than Frog's. Of course, the crowd really did not matter. Somehow, despite the common elements of alcohol and a youthful crowd, the atmosphere was subtly different at the frat house than the bar. Somehow, the frat house was more informal than the campus watering hole. From the chattering crowd outside to the frenzied dancing inside, there was abandon in air. Perhaps its because there isn't anyone to card them, thought Kelly. Despite the cynical tone of her thoughts, she could not help but catch the enthusiasm of the frat house crowd. Jenny and Kara surprised her by joining Stephanie and Nicole in a line in front of a beer keg. Jenny and Kara never drank beer in the year-and a-half Kelly had known them. Kelly instead grabbed a plastic cup filled with some sort of juice drink that had been filled from a nearby punch bowl. Certainly it was an alcoholic beverage, but it was certain better than the bitterness of beer. Before she could lift the cup to her lips, a firm feminine hand grabbed her wrist and stopped her. "Are you crazy, girl?" demanded Jenny. "You never drink from the vat at a fraternity house!" The charm bracelet on Kelly's wrist tinkled as her unsteady hand put the cup back down on the table. Fear shot through her once more as she mentally kicked herself for her faux pax. Kelly could feel her heart pounding in her chest as her mind searched for a plausible explanation for her naive blunder. Before Kelly could say anything, a concerned Jenny asked, "Are you OK?" "I...I didn't go to very many parties when I was in college," stammered Kelly, certain that, somehow, her entire life's history were written in boldface letters across her face. "Why ever not?" asked Jenny in a gentle tone. Oh god. I want to tell her. I really do. But I just can't. It'll ruin everything. She'll never be able to look at me the same way again. Deep inside, Kelly knew that, someday, someone would discover her secret. But not today, not today. Kelly felt a slow tear make its way down her cheek. Damn these hormones. Why couldn't I have forgotten to take them for just one day? "I've lost over 50 pounds since I was in school. Back then...I just didn't feel good at parties." Jenny pulled Kelly into an emphatic hug. "Its OK. I think we all know how cruel the world can be to people who don't look like the world thinks they should. That just means Stephanie was more right than she knew. You really need to be here today. The only way to get rid of bad memories is to make some good ones." Jenny grabbed Kelly's wrist once more and pulled her onto the dance floor. The group of five young women danced with one another in a circle. As Kelly moved to the music, she felt a thick finger tap her shoulder. She looked up to see the tall guy from Frog and Firkin standing over her. "I'm glad to see you made it. I didn't think you ladies were coming." Kelly flashed him a smile with her whitened teeth and said, "We had a change of heart." "I'm glad. Would you like to dance?" "Only if you tell me your name." "I'm Brendan. And you are..." "Kelly." "Nice to meet you." Kelly nodded and without saying a word, she subtly shifted her body away from her circle of friends and faced Brendan. As she swayed to the music, his eyes obviously roved up and down her body. Rather than being offended, she was amused as he he gaze crawled up her long legs and came to rest for a moment on her torso, until he locked onto her eyes. She smiled once more and tossed her long her so that it cascaded in a wave around her face. This feels good. I'm tingling all over. As the pair danced their way through two more songs together, Kelly returned the favor with a more subtle examination of his build. Despite the loose cut of his tan button-down shirt, she could tell from his shoulder and thick chest that he had spent considerable time in the weight room. His jeans showed that he had definitely not forgotten to work his lower body. You could bounce a quarter off his ass. I'm going to hell. Looking at her friends in the few times she could bring herself to look away from him, she could see Jenny and Nicole cheer her on from the sidelines. Kara and Stephanie had found partners and had been lost in the crowd. Kelly could not help but notice that Brendan was one of the hottest guys in the room. Jenny and Kara will never let me hear the end of this. They are going to want details as soon as we get chance to talk. A heavy foot slammed into the exposed toes of her right foot, causing Kelly to gasp with pain. As she stopped dancing, Brendan put a large hand on her shoulder and put his lips close to her left ear, "Do you need a break?" Kelly nodded and Brendan led the way through the press of gyrating bodies. Finally, after limping for what seemed a very long way, Kelly found some breathing space at the far end of the room. She looked down at her throbbing foot and spied a bright red drop of blood at the outside edge of her big toe nail." One of the hazards of cute shoes. A hazard I could really do without. Brendan looked down at her foot and asked, "Are you alright?" She nodded but the pain refused to stop. Brendan said, "Hang on," and waded into the crowd. A short distance away, Kelly saw him plunge his hand into the barrel that held a nearby keg and pull out a handful of ice. He tore off a section of a paper table cloth and made and impromptu bag. When he came back to Kelly, instead of handing her the ice, he knelt down and held it against her toe. Amazingly, he even managed to hit the target even though his eyes remained locked on her legs. Kelly could not help but laugh. What a perfect excuse to get a closer look at my legs. I guess I can't really hold it against him though. After a few moments he stood up again and said, "I hope that feels better. But, that's alright. At least we get a chance to talk." She soon discovered he was a senior and his major was economics. He wanted to own his own business someday and suddenly he was kissing her. He pressed her back pressed against the wall as his soft mouth met hers. She was strangely aware of her bra strap pushing into the plaster wall behind her. Within moments, her lips parted and his warm tongue gently slid into her mouth. She reached up and locked her arms around his neck as the kiss gained intensity. Pleasure exploded from her left breast. A low moan escaped her lips as her nipple swelled. Kelly belatedly realized his thumb was gently rubbing her nipple. He pulled his mouth from hers and asked, "Would you like to go upstairs?" Don't be a slut!, screamed her mind. But, somehow, she found herself nodding. I can't believe I'm letting him do this. He laced his fingers in hers and pulled her after him. Kelly's legs felt like water as she struggled to match his long stride. When they reached the foot of the stairs, she stopped and looked across the dance floor. She waited until she knew Jenny saw her, then raised her hand to give a little wave. Wonder crossed Jenny's features, only to replaced by a bright smile. Even though the blaring music drowned out her words, Kelly could see Jen mouth, "You go girl!" from across the room. Brendan insistently tugged at her arm. She hurried up the stairs after him, her breasts bobbling as she took the steps a bit faster than she should have. At the top of the stairs, Brendan gave her a quick kiss on the mouth and draped a possessive arm over her shoulders. They passed a few doorways in the narrow hall until he pushed open a door with his free hand. He pulled her into a deep kiss once the door closed behind them. Looking around his face, Kelly caught glimpses of a small student room with brick walls and a double bed. Without breaking their lip lock, the two moved over to the bed and sat down on the edge. They broke for a moment and she took the opportunity to set her purse on his side table. Then their arms wound against one another once again. Her breast was on fire again as his confident hand cupped her in the palm on his hand. As his other hand fell upon her bare knee and slid up her smooth thigh, she moaned and fell back onto the bed. The questing hand moved under her skirt until it found her filmy panties. I'm glad I wore a nice lingerie set. Kelly squealed as Brendan's hand found its way past the lacy barrier and slid a finger inside her slick vagina. She was so glad she had chosen the more invasive SRS, a bit more inconvenient on a.... A wave of pleasure blasted coherent thought from Kelly's mind as the tip of his finger found her clitoris. Brendan knew what he was doing because his touch was perfect: not too rough, almost so gentle that he was teasing her. Kelly moaned, shifted her hips and moved her butt back so that she was now lying lengthwise on his bed. Kelly sat up and raised her arms as Brendan helped her pull her top over her head. She threw her boy size 14 jersey across the room and shook the tangles from her long mane of dark hair. Brendan's hands reached behind her back and unclasped her bra. He pulled the delicate garment free and flung it across the room. Goose pimples spread over Kelly's breasts as they were exposed to the slightly cold air of the room. Kelly's nipples swelled to bursting as he moved his warm palms in slow circles against the very ends of her tits. Kelly nearly tore the buttons of his shirt because she was in such a hurry to get the damn thing off of him. They kissed once more, this time the skin of his bare chest pressing against her boobs. After a few moments, his right hand unbuttoned the waistband of her skirt. She lay back on the bed as he pulled it off her. Her panties soon received similar treatment, her legs quivering as the silky material slid down her creamy legs. She then helped him out of his pants and whispered, "I want you inside me." Soon her soft legs wound around the trunk of his body as her hands grabbed large handfuls of his ass checks and tried to push him through her body. I'm moments, they were humping with frenzied abandon as scream after scream burst from her lips. Great Kel, be really discrete why don't ya? She felt Brendan's penis twitch, then spasm as warm fluid shot into her. Only after he had cum inside her did she berate herself for not putting a condom on him. I'm such an idiot. I know better than that. Even worse, Brendan now lay in a fatigued stupor before he had quite finished her off. Rather than complain, Kelly pushed her own finger inside her until her shuddering body lay in a satisfied heap. Oh god, I just got fucked. Kelly was not a virgin, but sex with a guy was still new enough that being able to do it seemed nothing short of miraculous. Brendan made love to her four more times before they both fell into exhausted sleep. * * * Kelly woke the next morning when rays of light streamed through the window and hit her eyes. She blinked in confusion at the strange surroundings, then looked over at Brendan sleeping next to her. Her memory flooded back and a slow, satisfied smile spread across her face. Kel, you were such a slut last night. And you enjoyed every minute of it. She lay there silently for a moment, replaying last nights events in her mind, until she could not help but remember another night more than four years ago that had set her on the path toward womanhood. Jason walked across the Purdue campus one Saturday evening after another strenuous workout in the gym. He had spent two years adding muscle, until he had packed 178 pounds onto his narrow frame. Suddenly, instead of being a non-entity, girls had begun to notice him. As he walked, he pulled off his sweaty shirt, both for reasons of comfort and the chance to put his physique on display. He had worked hard to make himself into a man. Once women began to look at him with something other than dismissal in their eyes, Jason had been certain the uncomfortable thoughts that had tortured him since he was twelve would simply fade away. Inside the elevator headed up to his on-campus apartment, Jason had run into a two very attractive, but clearly inebriated, young women. The cute blonde with short hair, however, was far more outgoing than her friend, and gazed with open lust at his workout-swelled chest. "Hi, I'm Tara and this is Christine. what are you doing tonight?" she asked with obvious interest. "I'm think I'm staying in." "What?" she shrieked with outrage. "You're not going to study! Are you?" He sheepishly nodded. "It's Saturday night!" she objected. Then another idea occurred to her. "Come to the movie with us! It'll be fun." Bemused by the attention, Jason had accepted their offer. After the movie and an excursion to a bar just across from the Purdue campus, he had found himself in making out with Tara in her dorm room. As Tara wriggled her attractive body free from her clothes, Jason was mortified to realize that he wished he could be her instead of being with her. Even worse, her hand plunged into his underwear and discovered his limp penis. Her face scrunched in surprise. He made the lame excuse that he must have had too much to drink. Tara had patted his knee and said, "Its okay, honey. It could happen to anyone." But her tone seemed more puzzled than comforting. Jason had rushed from the room in shame, barely even registering her belated "Call me" as he stalked out the door. Blindly, he had stumbled across campus, trying his best to keep tears from rolling down his face. I'm a freak. I'm going to be a freak for the rest of my life! Somehow, he managed to find his Toyota Camry in the parking lot. He opened the glove compartment and pulled out a 9mm automatic. He held the menacing weight of the gun in his lap for agonizing minutes, screwing up his courage to put an end to his disgusting existence. He opened his jaws wide and stuck the barrel of the gun in his mouth. That way I can't miss. This is the one thing I can do right in this fucked up life. But he could not pull the trigger. No matter how much he told himself that he was worthless, how his life would be nothing but utter misery until the end of his days, his finger refused to obey. He curled into fetal position in the Toyota's passenger seat, with the gun barrel still in his mouth until the sun rose in the morning. He still could not do it. Finally, he resigned himself to the fact that he could not bring himself to end it all. He hated himself even more. Then another thought occurred to him, "If I can't stand being a man, why not accept womanhood?" The very next day, she made an appointment at the student health service for psychiatric counseling. Today, Kelly was very glad that the despondent young man she had once been had not been able to pull the trigger. Tears rolled down Kelly's face in uncontrolled torrents as she recalled her past. Spasms wracked her chest as she tried to suppress the sobs she had never been able to let out for that terrible past life. The next thing Kelly knew, a firm hand cupped her chin and a thumb wiped the tears from her right cheek. Softly, Brendan said, "Sweetie, don't cry. It's OK." Violently, Kelly shook her head and tried to explain that it had nothing to do with him, but she could not get anything out of her throat but sobs. "Shhh. I don't think any less of you because of last night. Really. How could I? I was right here with you." "Brendan, I..." Brendan put his right forefinger over her lips and sternly said, "I don't want to hear it. You're beautiful and I most definitely want to see you again. I'm not going to sit here and listen to you run yourself down." The was nothing else to do but fling herself into his arms. He did not understand; but, maybe, it did not matter. As his warm embrace enveloped her, she realized that in one glorious day, Arizona held a more important place in her heart than Purdue ever could.