Cousin Waseem
- 2 years ago
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Confused? I Was! Part 4 free porn video
As I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off, all I could think
of was how was I going to make this happen. Be who I was and who I
wanted to be without hurting those closest to myself. My head was
filled with scenarios and possible future plans but also with a
confusion as to why I had been so overwhelmingly flushed with guilt
after one of the most intense, if not the most intense sexual release
ever?
Being dressed in my sisters tennis kit felt so amazingly exciting yet
comforting and as in previous times, though I blush telling you, totally
arousing! My pleasure was fantastic and I would have expected to feel
elated at the release and sheer delight of my ending to the evening but
instead, It felt......... wrong? All I felt was, well, not disgusted but
I just had to take everything off. I know this may seem completely
bazaar but it was almost as if I always have feminine hormones running
through my veins making me feel and want what I always seem to have
wanted, to be more feminine but as soon as I have that "personal
release"! It's as if any femininity and all of those wonderful oestrogen
hormones are flushed from my system and replaced with robust and raging
testosterone!? Pushing any wanting or desires of being womanly aside in
one foul swoop! I just didn't get it and to this day, I still don't get
how or why?
There is a saying I had heard many a time and most often from my mother
and I actually from that kind of time on, got the meaning behind it, it
was "No one said life would be easy, they just promised it would be
worth it". I suppose that screamed how my life was at that moment in
time and to be honest, I don't think it has every really been easy, but
where I am now, I am sure, I am hoping! It's worth it though back then,
I would have completely disagreed with the ending of that one! Sorry I
digress; I have a tendency to do that you may have noticed! Ha-ha.
I wrapped the towel around my waist and tidied up the bathroom before
walking over to the door, unlocking it and going into my bedroom. I
walked over to my bed and sat on the corner before falling back with my
hands behind my head, staring up at the ceiling as if looking for a sign
from the heavens as to how on earth I was going to get through this,
what I can do and more pressingly, when! I haven't a clue how long I
was lying there and to be honest, I can't even tell you one clear
thought that ran through my mind as my head was a complete maze of
possibilities, scenarios, outcomes and the most important part to me,
consequences. Through the screaming that was going on in my head, I
heard noises down stairs and for some reason, I panicked!? I had made
sure the bathroom was restored to its pre-dressing glory so why was I
panicking? I was so on edge and my head was such a mess I was going to
drive myself mental! I decided to try and think about something
completely different. I got my shorts and t-shirt on and went down
stairs to join my family only to be regaled about the evening's
activities and who they had bumped into that they hadn't seen in years.
As hard as I tried, going through the motions, smiling where I should
have been and so forth, distraction didn't work either so I gave in and
went to bed.
Lying there, I remember driving myself crazy, so I made myself a
promise, get through my exams, and then make my plans and moves. I know
I had 7 exams left to do and I didn't want to fail, I had to somehow,
god knows how!, but somehow I had to concentrate enough to get through
the next week and a half and do well enough to get into college to do my
Psychology course. I don't know if I was influenced by my own life and
in a way, trying to decipher what my inclinations were and why or people
in general and their motivations. To be honest it all absolutely
fascinated me in anyway and still does to this day. The only other
career I had ever considered was becoming a writer, sitting at my
typewriter or pc and losing myself in characters and worlds I could
create. Everyone always said I had a fantastic ability to make up
personas and in truth I was an amazing mimic. There wasn't an accent I
couldn't do and with the accent, seemed to lead to the character and
their personality. Mum often said she wondered about my sanity and to
be honest, I did too at times!
I awoke the next morning after possible the worst night sleep ever,
showered and went off to my English exam. Only 5 ? hours of literature,
I knew the novel inside out so I just had to keep my wits about me and
focus on the task in hand. So much easier said than done. God knows
how I actually managed it but I got through that exam followed by the
next week and a half fairly intact and as I were to find out later, in
good shape results wise. After my last exam, the relief was immense.
I could no longer decide my fate with regards to my academic
achievements at this moment in time so I could finally press on with
matters that I had tried to put to the back ground for a little while
though, as anyone will know, if something is important enough and
pressing enough, you will be hard pressed to actually "put it out of
your mind", no matter how hard you try.
I walked home, through the park, meandering through the trees listening
as the gentle breeze blew through their branches making the softest
swishing sounds. Not being in a rush, I copped a squat underneath a
large sycamore tree and enjoyed the peaceful ambience of the trees
branches swaying, listened to the birds chirping away in trees and
bushes that surrounded the park and lined the pathways. You could only
faintly hear a young child playing in the playground just down the way.
I leant my back against the tree trunk and rested my head back to rest
there a while. I had seen this scene in films and they were always
accompanied by thoughtful and inspiring music as though this was all you
had to do to gain true insight into anything you had trouble thinking
about.
As I sat there, I started to think about what I wanted to do and how I
wanted the rest of my life to be. I knew academically and so forth but,
personally, I was struggling. I couldn't really do what I wanted to do
freely at my mothers house, it was getting harder to find time for
myself as there was always either mum or dad at home and its not as if I
can just slip into a skirt, top and heels and just walk around the house
in front of them, no matter how much I wanted that, OH, I so did want
that! I know I wanted freedom but that meant leaving home, until I had
a job, I had to respect that I couldn't do what I wanted when I want at
home and with that came a slight epiphany. I wasn't asking myself if I
wanted to anymore more, I wasn't trying to restrain myself from thinking
the way I do or wanting what I did. It felt good to "accept" this part
of myself and my life. I haven't a clue how or when that came about but
it was right, no longer was it a case of "should I" or "Could I" it was
a "how do I go about this?"
I decided I had come to quite an important decision sat there and that
maybe, just maybe, the film directors had a point!? Or maybe it was just
sheer relief at having one thing out of the way and being able to
concentrate on something other?! Either way, I was happy to arrive at
where I was.
Having arrived at his point, I decided to start walking back to the
house. In my mind I was playing out what jobs I could do in conjunction
with my college course should everything work out well with my exams.
Most young lads I know wanted to train as mechanics, electricians or
plumbers! All I could think about, me being me was becoming a secretary
or barmaid! Both of which made me laugh out loud! Man, I was never going
to get a typically macho job was I!! Although both of which I could work
around my college course, Oh the possibilities! Where there's a will!
Ha-ha.
I arrived back at the house where I found my mum waiting with my tea. I
had been out sitting, thinking and walking home for quite a while. I
had completely lost all track of time.
Over the next few weeks, I got a summer job at Debenhams working on the
sales floor which was a great! Immediately as I walked through the door
I remembered going in there every Saturday with my mother and sister,
the girls, the fragrances, the clothes, phewww, got a little hot under
the collar there I can tell you. Daily access to all those wonderful
clothes, make-up and fragrances and at first I wished I could be the one
buying and trying them out.
I soon made friends with the girls on the Clinique concession who were
always laughing and joking about sitting me in their chair and making me
over, I always said "Sure, name a time and I'm there". Always in a
tongue and cheek way though secretly wishing they would hold me to my
word and make me sit there. I would have to try and get out of it for
show but secretly I have always wanted to be one of the girls, walking
into the store, sitting in the chair and having their make up done
beautifully for them. They always seemed to come away looking
completely different and most of the time, fabulous! Though in truth,
the girls were pretty and to have them putting make up on my face and
attending to my skincare, such a mix of stimulants, I'm not sure I could
control my natural urges, if you get my meaning!
After a short while of my decision and starting work, earning my own
money, I gradually started to feel easier about my dressing desires. I
allowed myself small indulgences. The girls at work thought I had a
girlfriend as I started picking up lingerie and the odd items of
clothing, negligees and fragrance. They were always saying that Leanne
"My Girlfriend" had great taste. So once at home and in the privacy of
my own room, locked door of course! I slipped into the sumptuously silky
soft lingerie and negligee. I'd spray a little of the fragrance, in
certain areas! And go to bed happily, a little too happily at first as
the sense of being naughty and knowing that I was doing what I wanted
was a feeling I thrived on and revelled in.
It didn't take long before my nightly dressing indulgences started to
slip into my daily life as well. Whilst chucking on a pair of boring
black work pants, I mean, come on! Mens trousers! They are soooo boring,
no shape and they do nothing at all for a girls figure! I realised that
no one knew what was underneath them. Smiling I picked out a pair of my
white cotton and lace knickers, slipped them on and then pulled on my
black work pants. I remember the first day I walked around the sales
room, I was so happy and enjoying my little secret that apparently, I
had a "little swing" to my booty as I walked. In truth I had been
practising the way I walked at home in front of the mirror as girls
always had that lovely sway to their hips and they also had smaller and
much daintier steps than men. I was really starting to enjoying my
journey and seeing how far I could push anything without it being
noticed. As much as I loved this, I was far from ready to come out in
my heels! Being caught was not an option, yet anyways!
As time went by, I almost forgot that I was waiting for my exam results
though whenever I spent any kind of time at home, my mum would slip in
that I would soon be able to get a "proper job" once I had my results
and finished my studying. She seemed to love the idea of me having my
own office and the status that the title "Psychologist" would bring to
both me and her having one for a son. It's strange how the same career
can have different meanings to different people, for me, it was more a
way of trying to understand people, what motivated them, their triggers.
To be able to unravel their behaviour like a ball of wool before
enabling them to knit back the strands of their life without the holes
and enabling them to take things back to those occasional dropped
stitches so they can take out the "kinks" (no pun intended) and carry on
their way. To have the ability to continue along their own path of life
and discovery, however that may be and in whichever way that seemed to
manifest itself.
On August the 17th, I returned home from work to find mum sat at the
kitchen table smiling insanely at me like a Cheshire cat and holding a
brown envelope in her hands. I knew instinctively what it was as I had
heard everyone coming into the store that day talking about "Results
Day". I wasn't nervous as I had decided, what would be, would be. I
took the envelope off her and opened it. I had managed 6 A's, 3B's and
a C in geography, well, I would learn about longitudes and latitudes at
some point I suppose!?! Mum was ecstatic and that evening we all went
out for a meal.
With my results under my belt, I had a choice of colleges to attend. I
had been accepted without question to the college closest to me or I
could go to another college, about 3 hours away in Carlisle which would
have meant halls and living in a tiny room on my own. Living away from
home meant the possible freedom to do what I wanted when I wanted, but,
I so wanted to stay at home, I loved my job at the store and they said I
could do some hours around college if I wanted to stay on which would be
useful and to be honest, I had just got my staff discount and had my eye
on a new skirt and dress outfit and what with the matching accessories,
it would make the outfit to die for and the most of my money off as
well. Win Win! Well it would have been rude not to huh!?!
I opted to stay at home, mum was pleased as I don't think she was too
happy about the thought of me "flying the nest" and offered to get me
some new clothes to wear to college. Shopping! Well, what more can a
girl say? That was me sold! And the thought of having a days shopping
with my mum was so exciting. It had been so long since we had spent an
afternoon shopping albeit most of the time it was window shopping it was
still great to go with mum anywhere to be honest. She said she wasn't
working this Friday and we could go for a mooch around the shops in the
afternoon if I wanted to. I couldn't wait, there would only have been
one thing better than shopping for college clothes, and you've guessed
it, shopping for my dressing clothes. New shoes, lingerie, skirts,
dresses, belts, handbags and purses would have been fantastic but on
that day, I would settle for getting my standard day to day clothes for
college and maybe helping mum pick out a few items for herself. She
always said I had a great eye for detail and style. I guess after some
revelations, she now understood why. We hadn't really been out shopping
together since she found me in my sister's room that night trying out
her Capri pants and make-up. I guess she would have been encouraging a
"phase" she didn't want me to dwell in too long, if at all!
Thursday night came and I looked forward to going shopping with my mum
the next day but so wishing it was under different circumstances. I
wondered if I would ever be able to have the kind of girly day out with
my mum or the being just one of the girls? Shopping all day until our
feet ached in our heels then having to stop for a coffee and cake break
whilst examining our purchases and recharging our batteries making a
regimented plan of where we needed to go next and for what before
finishing at the salon getting a manicure and pedicure done in readiness
for the night of glamming it up with heels, sparkles, make-up and
cocktails? I remember thinking, don't be so stupid! But was I? Why
couldn't I do that one day, surely its possible? It's got to be,
Right???????????????
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