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Lying in bed she said: shall we watch a porno? What, really? I asked, not sure if it was some sort of trap, wary from her Columbo routine by now.
But she was really, not really sure, but really all the same. Ok, but I’m not sure if I know any websites. She laughed – such an absurd lie could not be taken too seriously.

Up popped the main page. It’s a bit much she complained. These are just the categories, I said, we haven’t even got to the proper bit yet!
I scrolled down the categories. Ok, so we’ve got interracial, mature, storyline, female friendly – what’s that? she asked. That’s where they have a story line leading up to the sex I explained, you know, with feelings and stuff to make the girls comfortable. Really? She sounded hopeful

Okay, let’s try this I said, pretending not to know my way around the site too well. Amateur: Russian milf + boy. It’s just two people having sex she complained after 2.17 seconds. Oh wait there – she had spotted something of interest; I want you to do it to me like that. I’ll make a note of it I said.
Ok let’s try a film. Taboo 2 – a classic. Five minutes in:
‘Was he throbbing?’
‘Oh yes…throbbing!’
What are they doing? She asked. She’s fingering her pussy on a massage table. They’re waiting for Paul’s friend to come. Who’s Paul? she asked. Paul’s the son from Taboo 1 I explained. I don’t like it, she said.
I sighed. OK, tell me what do you like? Finally, after a few more fruitless searches, I typed in an old favourite: Priest. Italian director; very classy. As the people sit in mass – around the corner – hidden from everyone’s view but ours, a girl is getting gently face fucked by the Father, before being taken from behind. Usually I would have been masturbating already but with the warm laptop resting on my crotch, the most I’ll get is testicular cancer. But at least she’s satisfied. Whose fault is this I wonder? We have sex. She comes a few times. Then I announce that I will come too and do so. Let’s never have sex again we both agree before falling asleep. But of course we’re just a****ls – we can do no such thing.

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Where’d the Porno GO? That’s what I asked myself this morning as the clever Starbucks baristas figured out how to kick me off the WiFi for whacking off at the counter again. Hey, it’s all good because I’m a resourceful motherfucker. Now I’m just watching that dirty smut on my phone. Sure, the screen’s a little smaller, but I just found another free porn site to waste the rest of the day shaking my dick at. Hold onto your ding-dongs, friends, because this ain’t your typical half-ass sex tube.I...

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