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A Life Long Journey Part 8 free porn video
A Life Long Journey, Part 8
This is the story of my journey into the life of womanhood. It is the
result of my own memories and the stories told to me by Momma and other
relatives about my growing up. Some of this may not be accurate as my
memories of certain events might be colored by my feelings or my age at
the time. Still I have tried to be honest about them.
The next year and a half were awful for me. I hated being forced to be a
boy and yet I was afraid to tell anyone, except my closest friend Amy,
how I felt. I would beg and plead with the forces that be to make me a
girl. Often I would cry myself to sleep at night, gently sobbing into my
pillow so Momma and Daddy would not hear.
For a long time I would wake up and rush to the bathroom, hoping upon
hope that finally I would see a girl looking back at me from the mirror.
After a while, I tried to stop even looking. My hope was fading. Nothing
ever changed for me. The only relief I ever had was the time I was at
Amy's and she would treat me like a sister.
Oh, the hours we spent doing homework and talking about clothes, boys,
makeup, and such. It was during those times that I really felt like I was
whole. I felt really happy. But those times wouldn't last for me.
Eventually I would have to go home and back to the real world, the world
of fear and hating myself.
To earn money, I started letting people around the neighborhood know I
was available to do jobs. One day, one family needed a baby sitter and
couldn't find a girl to do it. In desperation, they asked me. I eagerly
agreed to it. I just told Momma and Daddy I had something to do that
night but I didn't tell them what. The family had two kids, a boy and a
girl. The boy was about 3 and the girl was 4. Both of them were so cute
and so much fun to take care of. We had a wonderful time playing and
chatting. When their bed time came, I was putting them to bed when the
girl hugged me and said, "I like you. I hope you come back real soon." As
I left her room, I felt a tear well up in my eye.
From time to time, I would go to a store that was miles from my house and
buy something new, maybe a new pair of panties, a new skirt, or shoes
using money that I managed to save from what I could earn. I found that a
lot of times people would donate things that were barely used and you
could buy them real cheap. And the possible choices there were wonderful!
So many pretty things to choose from!
In this way I slowly started to build my wardrobe. But that created a
problem for me. I had to be very creative about hiding everything. I also
had to be careful about when I could wear my things. I lived in the fear
that one day Momma would find my skirts and start asking questions. Then
how would she and Daddy treat me? Remember, they were very conservative
in their beliefs.
At school, things were different. Since I no longer had to go to gym
class, I started to wear panties and pantyhose or knee-hi hose under my
pants. Of course I was VERY careful to not let anyone know.
One day while in English class, we were reading the play "My Fair Lady".
The girl selected to read the part of Liza, Patti, did a terrible job of
it. She was absolutely the worse Liza ever! Finally I couldn't stand it
any longer. I told her that she was awful at it. She snapped back "if you
think you can do any better, then you read the part." And I did. In my
best girly voice and best cockney accent I could fake, I read the lines
from the page. Everyone was so surprised at how well I did. The teacher
asked me "where did you ever learn to sound like that?"
I simply told her that the movie was one of Momma's favorites and I had
seen it many times. Some of the girls in the class thought I was great,
but not Patti. She just fumed with anger. A boy had shown her up,
actually made a better Liza then she did. The teacher asked me to see her
after school; she had something she wanted to discuss with me.
After school, I went to Mrs. Stone's room. She was sitting behind her
desk grading some papers when I walked in. Having me take a seat, she
told me I really surprised her with my performance in class. Then she got
right to the point. She asked me if I would consider trying out for a
part in the upcoming school play. All I would have to do is come read a
part from the script and she would try to put me in a role that she
thought I could do well. The play, as I was later to learn, was going to
be "Our Town" and she wanted me to try out for the part of Emily. As it
turned out, that was the same part Patti wanted and had tried for.
When Patti found out I had once asked to try out for "her part", her
hatred for me grew to unbelievable proportions. And she started a hate
campaign against me, bringing her boyfriend and some of his "jock"
friends in on it.
As it turned out, I made the right choice in not trying for the part, as
much as I would have loved to play Emily. There were just too many
problems with me in that role.
I needed to take an elective so I chose to take "Family Living". It was
described as a class where students would learn about household budgets,
finances, and the like. I had lied to Momma and Daddy. I told them I had
tried to get into wood working but it was full and this was the only
thing left for me to take. So there I was, one of three boys in a class
of twenty three.
The teacher had the thought that guys should know how to sew, cook, and
help take care of kids. So one quarter was actually spent on finances.
But then came the time where we were to take care of kids. At first
everyone in the class was required to take home a doll that would wake up
every two hours and need to be taken care of. I was one of the first to
volunteer for it. I had to keep the doll with me for the whole weekend so
it would show me what it is like to have a child. I didn't mind at all.
In fact I kind of enjoyed it. For this project, I got the highest grade.
Letting did the teacher or anyone in the class know I already had some
experience taking care of a baby because of my baby sitting.
Along with the doll, there was one assignment for the guys that I enjoyed
as well. It was the day we had to wear an "empathy belly" and a jumper
(just in class). This device was made so it looked like you were
pregnant. It had a weighted belly and fake full breasts. It was designed
to give guys a taste of what girls experienced when they were with a
child. Once again, I was the first to volunteer for it. The jumper was
provided to cover up as we were required to walk around, sit, stand, and
try to lay down with this thing on.
My being so eager to volunteer in Family Living, and my showing Patti up
in English made things worse for me. Patti and the boys started by just
calling me names. Even though they hurt, I managed to get thru that. Then
things started to happen to me. Somehow, someone had gotten to
combination to my locker and started leaving things in there. Like one
day I opened my locker and found a maxi pad in it with a note that said,
in case you have an emergency and need this.
One day I found a pair of panties in the locker. The attached note read,
"Just the thing for a fag like you. Enjoy wearing these."
Another day, I found lipstick smeared all over the inside. Someone had
used it to write the word "Fag" all over the inside of my locker.
Then some of the "jocks" started going out of their way to bump into me,
pushing me into the lockers as they past. It got so bad that one day I
was pushed into the girls' restroom. I was so glad no one was in there. I
just waited until I was sure the halls were empty and then went to my
class.
Then there was the day I was walking past the doorway to the girls'
locker room and got pushed in. The guy that shoved me, Logan, was the
biggest player on the football team. And he was Patti's boyfriend. As he
shoved me in, he said, "Get in there where you belong, you little fag.
You belong with the other girls and not with the men."
With me on the floor and my books scattered about, some of the girls that
were getting ready for gym started to scream and run for cover. Others,
the really nice ones, came over to help me up. They seemed to be
concerned about me. They wanted to know what had happened. Looking up and
seeing Patti standing there in just her panties and bra and with a look
of smugness on her face, I just said, "I stumbled and fell, nothing
more."
The teasing continued. Even when I went to the school principal and asked
for help, it continued. I didn't tell him everything, just about the name
calling and the bullying that was going on in the hallway. He said that
unless I could prove who was doing it, there was nothing he could do
other than to make an announcement that anyone caught harassing another
student would be suspended for a period of time. Even when I told him
about Logan pushing me into the locker room, he said it was my word
against Logan's.
I started to have thoughts and dreams about getting rid of that gross
thing I had between my legs. It would have been so easy for me to sneak
into the kitchen late some night, get the biggest sharpest knife I could
find. Then, take that knife with me into the bathroom, undress, get into
the shower, and cut it off.
I was just about ready to do anything to make the teasing at school and
the pain I felt at being forced to be a boy stop. I really did hate
myself so much because of it. Again, I would beg and plead with whatever
force controlled nature to change me, make me the girl I really was
inside.
There was one boy that was kind to me, Brad. He was new to the school and
had been in the English class the day I read the part of Liza. It took
him a few weeks to start to talk to me and then it was only after school
or when we were sure no one else was around. What he said to me, made me
so unbelievably happy.
He told me that when I read that part in class, he had closed his eyes
and could imagine me as Liza. He said he could sense a tenderness and
softness that no one else seemed to understand. It was like he could see
into my very soul and see the girl hidden there. He was gentle and kind.
He even started to take up for me and tried to protect me from some of
the more "aggressive" teasing I encountered.
As we became closer, I slowly started to open up to him, reveal my
secret. It was his kindness that got me to feel I could, just perhaps
trust him. He told me he saw something different about me, maybe a secret
I had hidden from the rest of the world. What could I do? I wanted to
trust him, to be honest with him, let him get to know the real me.
Finally it happened. During one of our talks after school, I revealed to
him that long held secret. The secret that I allowed only my most trusted
friend know. I finally got the courage to tell him I wished I was a girl.
And along with that, I finally allowed myself to tell him I found myself
attracted to him.
He did something that surprised me. Well, two things actually. First he
leaned over and kissed me. It wasn't much, just a little peck on my
cheek. Then he asked me if I would consider going out on a date with him,
just dinner at a fast food place and a movie. It would not be anything
special. I told him that sounded nice but I would have to think about it.
If he would give me his cell number, I would call him in a few days,
after I had a chance to think about it.
I was scared at first. I worried that he would try to rape me like had
happened before. As soon as I got home, I called Amy and talked to her
about it. She told me that I would have to be strong and take a chance.
Otherwise, I would end up letting others control my life instead of my
controlling it myself.
Taking her advice, I decided to take a chance and go out with him.
Calling him, we arranged to go to a movie two weeks from that Friday. My
parents were supposed to be out of town and I would be able to get ready
for it. Little did I know at the time that one decision would have a huge
and lasting effect on my life.
He said he would be by at about 6:00 pm to pick me up. We would go to
dinner and a movie. I felt a fear of what might happen but at the same
time, something inside was starting to awaken once again. Once again I
started to feel the woman in me awaken.
Once more, I had to keep my excitement under control so Momma and Daddy
would not suspect anything. Amy did mention she saw a change in me over
during the time leading up to my date. She noticed little things like my
smiling a little bit more. As the day of my date drew closer, she said I
had a certain glow of excitement about me.
Finally the day came. Momma and Daddy were supposed to be gone all week
and not return until late Sunday night. I was home alone so it was going
to be easy for me to get ready. At least that was what I thought. I had
gotten into my blue dress with my navy blue slings and had just started
to put on my makeup. As I sat there, I was so involved in what I was
doing that I had not heard the car pull up into the drive way or the
front door open.
It was not until I heard Momma gasp that I knew anyone else was in the
house with me. There they stood, Momma with a look of horror on her face
and tears in her eyes. Daddy's face was a stone mask of disgust.
Sobbing, Momma ran to her room and shut the door. It was her way of
trying to keep out what she did not what to see or know.
Daddy just stood there for a few seconds, he face getting redder and
redder as he got madder. Finally he could not keep it in and burst out,
"What the hell is this?"
"Daddy, please give me a minute to explain."
"There are no explanations possible for you looking like that."
"Please Daddy. Just listen for a minute."
"No you listen. I will not have a fag like you in my house. You have two
hours to pack your things and get out. Leave and never come back."
"Daddy, if you would just stop and let me explain."
"You heard what I said. Now get out!"
I packed my things in a box I found in the garage, walked out the door
into the cold night feeling alone, lost, and miserable. Tears in my eyes
blurred my vision.
As soon as the door shut behind me, I got my phone out of my purse ( w
was still in my dress not having time to change) and made two calls. The
first was to Brad to tell him that something unexpected had come up and
our date was off. The second was to Amy. I told her I had been thrown out
of the house and needed a place to stay for a while. Being the friend she
was, she offered to let me stay with her for the time being. Later, the
two of us would share an apartment for a while, just until I got on my
feet and could afford a place of my own.
I so envied Amy. Here we were, just a week from high school graduation
and she had it all. She was pretty, smart, popular, and had a steady
boyfriend. She knew her parents loved her.
I on the other hand had so little going for me. My parents had just
thrown me out only because I tried to be true to who I knew I was. I had
struggled to make it thru school. Most of the boys thought of me as
mentally ill. Most of the girls either ignored me or joined the boys in
their treatment of me. I did not consider myself pretty although I worked
hard to be. In a word, I had only Amy's friendship and Brad's. I was
truly messed up. Or in the words of one person, I was a real basket case.
Libbie
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