A Very Unpleasant Evening
- 1 year ago
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By Rosie
[doorbell]
Hi, mum!
Oh, Leslie! What a pleasant surprise. Come in. Give your old mother a kiss!
[footsteps]
My, you're looking very pretty today.
Thanks, mum. You're looking nice yourself.
You're just saying that to make me feel better about my old age.
Come on, mum, you're not old.
There you go with your sweet talk again. But seriously, that outfit of yours is very becoming.
You like it? Sheila chose it for me.
Sheila, huh? Well, she certainly knows what looks good on you. You're very lucky to have a wife like her, you know. I wish she came by more often.
She's sorry she couldn't come, to. She sends you her love though.
Well, that's sweet of her. Mm! I almost forgot, I had your old room somewhat redecorated. Would you like to see it?
Sure.
[footsteps]
These stairs seem a lot steeper than I remember them to be. I hope I don't break any legs on my way down.
The shoes you're wearing aren't helping, you know.
Yes, I know, they're not very comfortable. But they go so well with the outfit.
I see that. And I suppose Sheila told you to wear them.
Yes, but-
Then it's OK, dear.
[door creaking]
Drat! Of all the business I had in here, I forgot to have the hinges oiled. And to think I started it almost exclusively because of the creaking.
I could oil it for you, if you wanted.
Maybe another day, dear, when you're dressed more appropriately for that line of work. Anyway - what do you think?
Oh, this is very nice. I love the way you had only a few changes done, but it seems it's a different room altogether. This is still my old bed, right?
It is. Looking for something?
My old... Hey, where are my comic books? You didn't- . .?
Relax, I put them in a box and took it to the empty room next door. You can go read them if you like.
I don't really read them-
Then why are they so important to you?
I expect them to gain collectable value and make me filthy rich any day now.
Good plan. In the meantime, do you plan on doing any work or are you going to just sit on the beach to have a nice tan, when you appear at the auction?
Very funny, mother, I-
Hush! Look there, quick!
Where?
Out the window! Do you see them?
Who?
Those two, that couple.
Right across the street?
Yes.
What about them?
They've just moved in. Few days ago. Just take a look at them.
O-kayy. Can we go down now? I'm dying for some tea.
[footsteps]
Would you be so kind as to make the tea? I think I should rest a little.
Of course, mum.
And put an apron on.
Oh, come on, it's only tea I'll be making.
Don't argue with me. And I don't suppose you want to get Sheila angry by ruining your clothes, do you?
Mum, I don't-
I'll be in the living room.
[footdsteps]
[shouting] Are there any crumpets?
[shouting] Yes, but there's a lovely walnut cake in the fridge, that'll do better.
[footsteps]
[clutter of cutlery]
There we go.
Thanks dear. Why such a small slice for you?
I'm watching my figure, you know, I-
Is that Sheila's idea?
No! Well, yes. How did you know?
A mother knows, son. She's right, anyway. You were getting a little pudgy.
It's hard to resist though, it's such a lovely cake.
Well you're not getting any more of it, young man. I don't want to get into Sheila's bad books.
Oh, enough with this Sheila stuff. Can we talk about something else?
It's lovely tea you made, dear.
There's not much to preparing tea, you know that.
So modest.
Just say whatever you've been meaning to say, mother.
What makes you think I was going to say anything?
I know you, you always get that expression when you're about to say something you think is awkward.
Oh. Well then, that couple across the street?
Yes?
What do you make of them?
I don't know. Just a couple, I guess. I've only seen them for maybe thirty seconds, I can't really claim to know them.
But didn't you see?
What?
How much taller she is than him? How much bigger? He almost seems like a child dotting along beside her.
So?
You mean that's perfectly normal?
Well, if you haven't noticed, Sheila is quite taller than me, too. Are you implying there's something wrong with our relationship?
Oh, good heavens, not at all. You two look absolutely lovely together. It's just that...
Go on.
In my days, it was the men who were the big and strong, and the women who were the dainty ones. I guess it's the other way around now.
You can't possibly come to a conclusion like that only by seeing two couples. I'm sure there are still lots of strong men and dainty women to keep you happy.
Oh, don't get so excited. Why, you're blushing! Was it something I said?
Well, I don't really appreciate being called dainty. I mean, I know I'm not as big as strong as the average man is, but dainty...?
I'm sorry dear, didn't mean to embarrass you.
It's all right, mum, just... Oh. You've got that expression again. Go on, say it.
Do you stand on your toes when she kisses you?
I can't tell you that.
Why not?
It's embarrassing.
Oh, come on. How bad can it be to tell me a little thing like that?
I don't want to talk about it. And don't look at me like that, it's not going to work.
[pause]
Oh, all right. But I'll answer just one question, so better choose it carefully.
Hmm... Got one: tell me, how you two kiss. In detail.
In detail, huh? Well, it goes like this: first we pout our lips, like so, than we move closer together, so that - OUCH! You kicked me!
Did I? Terribly sorry dear, must have been an accident.
Right in the shin, with your pointy shoe. That really hurt, you know. And it was completely unnecessary, I was only joking, for Christ's sake! Yes, I do have to stand on my toes. How else can I reach her lips?
Do you like it, standing on your tiptoes for her?
I said one question. Well, yes. It was kind of strange at first, but I got used to it. I kind of sink into her when she kisses me. Put my arms around her neck, tilt my head back. Lately, I find myself bending my right leg back at the knee.
Does she like that?
The knee? I don't think she notices it. But the arms around her neck get her excited. Sometimes, she even lifts me off the ground a bit.
Well, I'll be! And still you don't think you're dainty.
Oh, mummy-
Shh, sweetie. There's nothing wrong with being dainty, no need to be ashamed.
I should be going now.
So soon? It seems you just got here?
No, really. I told Sheila I wouldn't be late.
Oh, I wouldn't want to keep her waiting. You better hurry home to stand on your toes again.
Tease all you want. I'm not standing on my toes for you.
There's no need to. Tell me, does she ever grab your backside like this-
Mum! Stop it. Of course she does. What kind of a woman do you think she is?
It's been nice seeing you.
You too. Two things before you leave, though.
Yes?
Number one: take off that apron you're wearing.
What? Oh sweet lord, I completely forgot about it. Here. What's number two?
A goodbye kiss.
[muffled] I think you're overdoing it. There may be people watching.
Well let them see. I'm not ashamed to kiss my son in public. Wait, let me get some tissues, I better wipe off that lipstick I've smeared across your face. Wouldn't want Sheila to think you've been whoring around, now would we?
See you soon, mum!
Drive safely.
* * *
[doorbell]
Hello, dear. Come in.
Wow!
Is this the way to greet your mother, young man?
I'm sorry. But you really surprised me. I didn't expect you to be so dolled up.
Well, you were the one who was dolled up the last time. I didn't want to be underdressed again.
I wasn't-
Oh, shush. You looked lovely. You do today, too, as a matter of fact.
Why thank you. You know, that dress is very becoming.
You like it?
Sure. I just don't remember you wearing it.
That's perfectly understandable.
Oh mother. Tell me you didn't-
Buy a new dress just because you're visiting?
You did though, didn't you?
Oh, it's been ages since I bought one. And I hardly go anywhere these days...
It's pure silk, isn't it? Must have cost a fortune.
Well I happen to find it very nice if we put something more formal on for our little get-togethers. It gives them a little more special meaning. And it's not like you visit me every day.
Come on, I was here only last week. You know I'm trying my best. Oh, look. You've even had your hair done.
So you've noticed. Finally.
It was the first thing I've noticed on you. But this purple dress of yours took my mind of it.
See? That makes it worth the price, no matter how high. Anyway, I'm glad you mentioned hair. You won't believe what I heard at the hairdresser's.
What?
The couple across the street, the Robertsons?
What about them?
Robertson is her family name, not his. So they're Mrs. and Mr. Jenny Robertson. Bit like you and Sheila, right?
Not quite. I did take Sheila's surname, but just added it next to mine. She did the same. You know that.
Oh, of course I know my own son's new surname. I'm just surprised Sheila didn't go for Mrs. and Mr. Sheila Boyle.
She did, actually.
Really? You managed to change her mind?
Yes. Why do you find that so hard to believe?
No reason. Tell me, how did you do it?
I told her that by adding each other's surnames we display our love, like we do with the wedding rings, only it works on a different level.
That's sweet. I'm proud of you.
Well, I'm not. It's just some rubbish I made up because I was to ashamed to take on her name.
Why? Whatever for?
What would people say? I mean, look at the couple next door, even you are talking about it-
Oh don't mind that! If I let that worry me, I wouldn't do half the things I did in my life, including giving birth to you. As a matter of fact, I think it's beautiful if a man takes on his wife's name. It's just unusual, that's all.
But if I did become Mr. Sheila Boyle, wouldn't you be hurt because I gave up your name?
Don't be silly. I gave up MY name when I married your dad. You'll always be my son, regardless of the name you bear.
Oh mummy-
Leslie, are you crying?
No...
Oh, my sweet little baby. Come here, sit on my lap.
I can't sit in your lap, mummy, come on.
Of course you can, come here.
[rustling of silk]
There, there. It feels nice, doesn't it? Just like when you were little. Go on, cry if you have to. Let it all out.
[sobbing] You know, I really did want to take her name. I wanted to surrender to her so badly. It's just that-
[wailing] I let my stupid pride get in the way!
Shhh. Don't worry, baby, everything's going to be all right.
[yawning]
Where am I? Oh. What happened?
You fell asleep. I didn't want to wake you up, so I just covered you.
What time is it?
Five to eight.
Five to eight? You shouldn't have let me sleep that long. I should have been home ages ago.
Don't worry about that. Sheila called to ask about you, I told her you were so tired you fell asleep on the couch.
What did she say?
She told me to let you sleep. She only wanted to know when you are coming home.
Still, I think I'm going to head home anyway.
That's all right dear. Just wash your face from all that crying...
When you spoke to her on the phone, you didn't mention...
Of course not, what kind of a babbling old woman do you take me for? I'm a little insulted, you know.
I'm sorry, mummy. But-
It's OK, dear, I imagine how you must feel. What are you going to do about it, anyway?
Don't know. It's kinda late to tell her now.
Don't worry. I'm sure we'll think of something. Take care now.
Bye, mummy.
* * *
Well, hello there, strangers! Oh, Sheila, it's been so long. Come here, give me a hug!
Hello Margaret. Sorry for not coming before. Work, you know.
I know, I know. Leslie told me all about it. He can't stop talking about you. Leslie! Give your mother a hug.
Hello, mummy.
Let's go in, shall we. Oh, how adorable you two look today! I have to compliment on how you've been dressing my son. Very nice. Stylish.
Oh, it's not that I'm dressing him up, just helping him pick the right colors and such. You look very nice, too, Margaret. Doesn't she, honey?
Sure. Mummy? Yes?
You didn't buy a new dress again, did you?
Of course I did. Now come in, let's have some tea. You wouldn't mind making some, Leslie, would you? Sheila and I have so much catching up to do.
Sure, mummy.
We'll be it the garden.
[footsteps]
Have you moved the bench, Margaret?
Yes, I had it face the other way now. You know, start showing my face to the sun. That and the Robertsons across the street.
The Robertsons?
The couple across the street. Hasn't Leslie told you about them?
He has mentioned them, not by the name though.
[footsteps]
Well, here's the tea, ladies.
Want to be mother, darling?
Okay mummy, but it'll be awkward drinking our tea sitting on that bench.
Well, you don't have to sit on the bench, if you don't want to.
Even if I did, you hardly left any room. So, you've moved spying on them up a notch?
Just take that chair. I know it's not as comfortable... Anyway, it's hardly spying.
Oh sure. You just happen to drink tea facing their house every day.
Like I said, I'm catching some rays. And they certainly don't make much effort in hiding their business. You know what they did just the other day?
O, brother, what now-
Leslie! You mind? I want to hear.
See, Sheila knows how to talk to elderly people. Now. I believe they had sex in the garden.
In the garden? Really?
Yes, in plain view.
What do you mean you believe, mom?
Well, I'm not one hundred per cent sure they were having an intercourse - they weren't completely exposed, but even so-
Didn't you have even the dignity to leave?
Leslie! Stop interrupting your mother. Do tell more, Margaret.
I'm not going to leave my sunny garden just because a couple across the street is making love, mind you. Anyway, if you'll stop jumping in my words, I'd like to start at the beginning. Promise to be a good boy?
Yes, mummy, sorry.
Well. Now. As I said, I was having my tea right here as they came out to their garden. Each one had their own book, it looked like nothing special, husband and wife reading on a quiet afternoon. But Jane, that's her name, was feeling a bit amorous. Started running her foot up his legs, making kissy faces at him and such. I thought, 'they're going inside anytime now, show's over'. They didn't, though. She moved to his deck chair, making moves on him. You know, caressing, kissing. He didn't' seem to enthusiastic. Trying to keep her off, turning his head away from her mouth. It didn't stop her. Just the opposite, as a matter of fact. She took hold of his head by the chin and planted a long kiss on his mouth. I think I heard him say 'at least let's go inside', but I'm not too sure. Anyway, she wouldn't have any of that. She climbed on him, held his hands against the chair so he couldn't move. And with just one hand! She used the other to undo his trousers, I think. She had a very full skirt on, so she spread it over him. Started rocking over him. After a while she let go of his hands. He had more or less resigned to the situation by then, he didn't try to push her off, rather started reaching for her breasts and hips and so. After they finished, she slid off him, buttoned him up, kissed him, and then went inside.
My, some neighbours you've got here, Margaret! And all this while you were watching! They didn't see you, did they?
Here's the funny thing. I'm pretty much sure they did. Jane kept looking at me occasionally while they were doing it.
Oh, mummy, what will you say to them when you meet them?
I have met them, dear-
After that performance?
No, unfortunately. But why should I be ashamed of watching them? I was outside before them, they were perfectly aware of me. If they are comfortable, or at least she is, at being intimate in public, I don't see why it should bother me.
So, what are they like?
Jane is very nice. Well mannered, intelligent. Has a very pleasant voice. Can't say much about Donald, he kept quiet most of the time.
How did you meet them?
Went over for tea. And speaking of them, they're up to something again.
How can you tell?
Look behind you, dear. She's just opened the window and Donald has a rather nervous expression.
Poor man, see how he's running about the room. Like he was in some sort of a trap.
You're not that far off, Sheila. I wonder what Jane's got in store for him today.
How can you two sit here and watch-
Don't be such a killjoy, Leslie. Oh, look, he's spreading some quilts across the window sill. Maybe he's just changing the bedspreads or something.
I wouldn't bet on that. See how he's all frozen up now that she's entered the room.
My, she's certainly feeling amorous, as you've put it.
Yes, and look at how she towers above him. As if he's shrunk.
Well, there go the trousers, I guess. You think she'll make love to him on the window sill?
I wonder what that's going to be like. Look, look, she's turned him around.
She's got him leant through the window as if he were the woman.
You don't suppose she's... that she's actually a man?
Whatever for?
What is she... how are they, you know?
Well, I'm certainly not watching, I'm going inside- OW! Mummy, let go of my arm, you're hurting me.
I'm sorry dear, but I think you should stay and watch. Might be educational for you.
I can't sit on this chair twisting my neck like that, I'll be all cramped up.
Sit in my lap, then.
Please, mummy, not in front of Sheila.
Oh, silly me. Completely forgot. Sit in her lap, then.
Mummy, please, you're embarrassing me.
Just get your ass over here, Leslie. Nothing we haven't done before.
[rustling of silk]
Just put your arm here. Now move a little to the left, so that I can see... yes. Perfect. Did I miss anything?
Don't know what to say. They're certainly going at it. She is, at any rate. So she's taking him from behind. Must be wearing a strap-on, then.
She's ramming into him, that's for sure.
She's sodomizing him.
She's shoving it up his ass.
She's fucking his brain out.
Mom! Where did you learn to talk like that?
Shh. Just be quiet in your wife's lap there, dear. Are you sure you're watching all this?
Well, yes, you made me stay, remember?
Not looking away?
No. Though I don't much enjoy this humiliation of the poor man.
Just be thankful Sheila doesn't take you the same way.
What makes you think I don't, Margaret?
Oh, Sheila, stop joking, this isn't funny!
Sorry honey. He's such a doll Margaret. So sensitive.
He is, isn't he? Hasn't changed much since he was a little child. Well, they're just about wrapping it up.
Thank god. Pass me my teacup, please.
Here you go. But admit that it wasn't so bad.
Maybe, I-
Look, you two, she's waving at us. I'll wave back. Hello-
[clatter of porcelain]
Ow! Mummy! Look what you've done. Spilled tea all over me. Ow, hot!
Well get off Sheila's lap, quickly! You okay, Sheila?
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
Don't just stand there, get your clothes off, silly! I'll get a rag, then we'll try to find some of your old clothes.
[footsteps]
Leslie! I can't believe you made such a fuss! As if you can't watch a couple making love in a perfectly natural way - then practically crying over a little tea splashed on you.!
I'm sorry Sheila.
Should be too! Now you'd better behave for the rest of the time we're here!
Yes dear.
[footsteps]
What are you doing still dressed?
I didn't want to strip in front of the Robertsons-
Oh, for goodness sake! Now get your blouse off. There you go, Leslie. Oh, drat, your skirt is wet too. Here, let me help you. You'll have to take off your slip as well.
Um, sure.
You know, instead of getting you your old stuff, as little as it's left here, I have a better idea. Let's see how my dress looks on you?
The purple one you wore the last time?
The very same one, dear.
Oh, I've been dying to try it on ever since I've seen it. Can I have the shoes, too?
Of course. Let me get them.
[footsteps]
Leslie? I think it would be a nice idea. .
What?
Once you have your dress on? Why don't you just take a walk across the street, introduce yourself - then invite them to tea sometime next week. They look like SUCH a lovely couple. I'm sure we'd be very compatible. .
The end
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