Jake and Jackie
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Jake goes for help
Chapter 1 - The first Session
Jake Carstairs buzzed the office of the councilors, and went inside when
the door unlocked. He went to the receptionist desk, and told the lady
his name.
"Who are you seeing?" she asked.
Jake pulled a piece of paper out of his jeans and read the name.
"Jill. I think."
"Ah, yes. She's just about done with her current client. Just have a
seat. Would you like some coffee?"
"Sure."
Jake moved into the waiting area, which was clearly designed to be as
relaxing as possible.
There was a coffee service in one corner, and around a nice little
table were a group of large, comfortable chairs made of fake leather
that one would sink into. Beside the chairs there was a wooden
magazines rack with some of the latest issues of such magazines as
Time, Sporting Life, and National Geographic in it, as well as a couple
of gossip rags. In another corner was a playmat and a large toy-box
brimming with all kinds of toys for kids from babies to teens.
Jake made himself a coffee, helped himself to one of the comfy chairs,
and then noticed a group of pamphlets on the far wall. He got up and
went over to look at them, and they had titles like "Rape and
Minorities", Child Sexual Assault", "Rape and Gender Variance", and
most intriguing to Jake, there was a pamphlet with the title "Men who
have been raped."
He fingered the pamphlet in its slot, and then picked it out, letting
the next copy slide into its place.. He steeled himself to open the
pamphlet when he heard his name being called.
He put the pamphlet into his pocket and then turned and looked at a
young woman dressed in a sweater and capri pants.
"Hello, My name Jill Masterson. But Please, just call me Jill. Wont you
come to my office?"
"Sure."
Jake followed her, and found himself thinking how much had changed in
the last while. Not long ago, being behind a pretty girl would have
almost certainly meant his eyes would have gone to her butt, whereas now
he just looked to see where she was leading him while staring at the
floor.
He wasn't sure if this was a good thing or not that he wasn't able to
look at her behind.
She took him to a large office that didnt resemble what he imagined a
councilor's office at all, and looked quite homey. It had a small, dark
purple couch, not made to lay down on, but perfect to sit comfortably
on. It also had a couple of matching chairs, a solid oak computer desk,
and a solid wood coffee table, with randomly scattered pieces of paper
on it.
He took reluctantly took a seat on the couch, and she sat across from
him.
"We have to get a couple of things out of the way before we can really
begin. While under most circumstances everything you say is
confidential, there are a couple of limitations to that. One is if the
abuse of a child is involved or if you're a danger to yourself or others
. In such cases, I have no choice but to send that information to the
proper authorities. Do you feel comfortable with this?"
Jake's nodded his acceptance, even though his head barely moved. .
"All right, Jake. Can I call you Jake?"
Jake nodded again.
"Now, you will have twelve sessions, and I imagine you dont want to
waste any time, but today we wont talk about what brings you here. Today
we'll concentrate on making you comfortable."
"We wont? Why not?" Jake asked in a scared voice.
"Because first, because you have to be able to trust me. So today, I
think we will just talk in general about assault, and how it can affect
you."
Jake pulled out the pamphlet with shaking hands and said, "I guess it is
a little different for guys."
"Not really, it can be, so why dont we start with some of those
effects."
The conversation took the whole hour, and he shook her hand as he left.
He felt better, even if they hadn't really talked about what brought him
there, and for the first time since.... it happened, he felt like there
was some hope of a return of what he had lost.
"Now to see if that hope is enough to save my marriage." He thought, and
started the drive home. He pulled the car up into the driveway of their
home. It was at the center of a small quaint cul-de-sac in a quiet
neighborhood. He remembered well buying the house all those years ago,
how its second story windows looked like eyes giving the impression of a
face. The face that seemed to welcome them as they moved in.
Now the once bright green cheerful paint was peeling, the once
immaculate white door had a rust mark on it, and the once warm lights
almost never turned on leaving the house cold. Not only had the house
suffered but the yard was in a similar state. The grass and sidewalk had
weeds poking out here and there, the was brown half dead spots in the
back. Even the once pretty flower garden his wife had lovingly planted
was start to wither and fade.
Jake opened the door that now had a squeak in it.
"Ally?" he tentatively asked out loud.
"I'm in the kitchen!"
He walked carefully into the kitchen, and looked at the woman he had
courted and married, and sighed.
It had obviously been a tough day for her.
Instead of the immaculate, feminine and sexy outfits she had favored
before ... the incident, she was currently in sweat pants and top. When
she turned to look at him, he could tell her eyes were puffy and red,
with dark circles under them. Not only that, but her hair was uncombed,
her nails unpainted, and her face bare of all makeup, even lipstick.
He tentatively approached her, asking, "You okay?"
"Not really. The nightmares...."
"When do you go for your counseling?"
She glances at a calendar on the wall and says "Uh... Next week.
Wednesday."
He put his hands up, as though he was about to hug her, and then put
them down again awkwardly. "Good. I hope it helps."
She managed a faint smile and asked, "Speaking of counseling, how was
yours?"
"Was okay, I guess. We didnt talk about what happened, but more general
stuff about how stuff like that can affect a person. But my councilor
seems like a okay person, hopefully, it will help."
She looked down at the floor, and almost whispered, "I hope so too."
The rest of the night passed quietly.
******
He woke up the next morning and had gotten into his suit and tie before
he remembered he was on stress leave from his work. Without a job to
keep him occupied, most days dragged by with agonizing slowness, but he
decided to get this day started regardless.
He went from the spare room where he had slept since .... it happened to
the main bedroom where his wife slept. She of course, was gone, forced
to continue working due to having a less understanding boss than his,
and that difference in their circumstances added to his feelings of
guilt.
He looked around the master bedroom, which was beginning to show the
signs of neglect. The canopy was missing from the king sized bed, his
wife's vanity had a layer of dust on the top and and most of the makeup
that used to adorn it has been shoved into a drawer.
Desperate for something to keep him occupied, Jake began gathering the
dirty laundry together. He started with his, but decided to add his
wife's as well, to give her a bit of a break. He started stuffing
blouses and pants and skirts into the basket, and then grabbed a pile of
her socks, bras, and panties and put them in as well.
He paused with his fingers caressing the last pair of panties,
remembering seeing her in them while they were dating, and how amazingly
sexy she was, only partly because she had been in her underwear, but
also because of her confidence, her kindness, the way she just glowed,
and knowing he had caused her glow to brighten made it even more
incredible.
He found himself wondering if that glow was gone for good.
He finished gathering all the dirty clothes, and took the hamper down
the stairs to the basement where the washer was located.
It was an old machine, maybe twenty years old, but it still worked,
which was a good thing considering neither of them had enough money to
replace it.
He dumped all the clothes into the machine, added a splash of detergent,
and closed the lid and turned it on. With that taken care of, he went
back up the stairs, and went into the kitchen and poured a bowl of
cereal. He went to the fridge, opened up the container of milk, and gave
it a sniff, and decided it was far too gone. He threw the container into
the sink, and decided to eat the cereal dry. The next thing he was
aware of, the buzzer on the washer was ringing, and he trudged down the
stairs, pulled the clothes out of the wash and stuffed them into the
dryer, and turned it on. He went back upstairs, and into the living room
and turned on the TV. He grabbed a blanket and curled up on the couch
with replays of last night's sporting contests being repeated on a half-
hour loop, and closed his eyes.
He woke to screaming, and then realized it was him.
He staggered to his feet, went downstairs and took the clothes out of
the dryer. He put them in the hamper, and took the upstairs to the
master bedroom, where he took what belonged to his wife out, and put
them on her dresser in a pile. Then he took his own clothes and took
them to the spare bedroom and did the same.
He looked at his watch, and realized his wife would be home in a half-
hour, so he went back to the kitchen, pulled a frozen pizza out of the
freezer.
The pizza was just about done when his wife Allison came home.
They ate in awkward silence, and then went to their respective rooms,
and slept.
******
Jake goes for help Chapter 2 - The Second Session
The next morning, Jake got a phone call from the rape crisis center,
asking if he wanted to get an extra visit, he could come in that
afternoon, and he said yes immediately.
He fiddled around the house until he could leave for the appointment,
and then drove there as fast as he was able.
He entered the building, took a deep breath, and went into the office,
and sat on a chair waiting to be called.
He didnt realize he had started hugging himself until his name was
called.
Once again, Jake followed Jill into her office, and sat down.
"I'm grateful you could see me again so quickly."
"It doesn't happen often, but as I had a cancellation, I thought you
might benefit from the short time between sessions."
"I sure could. I see it happen again almost every time I close my eyes."
"Flashbacks? Nightmares?"
"Nightmares for sure. What's a flashback?"
"Its what you said. You replay what happened while awake."
"Can I stop them?"
"In time. First, you will have to learn to ground yourself when they
happen."
"How do I do that?"
There are a number of things that might help. The key is to get your
mind back into the present, and realize the event is not happening
again. So close your eyes, and then open them, and mentally describe
what you see - what colors, what shapes, are things still or moving.
Then take a sniff, and see if you smell anything. then start listing
what you can hear. And last, touch something, and make yourself aware of
how it feels. "
"Then they will go away?"
"They may not, at least not for some time. But you can disable their
power over you."
"Power. This all comes back to that, doesnt it."
"Yes. A rape victim loses their power, and needs to get it back This is
true whether the victim is male or female. But perhaps a male might
feel the loss of power more keenly. He is expected to be powerful, in
control. So to lose that power, that control, its a tough pill to
swallow."
"It sure is. The worst part is, feeling like I should have done
something, anything. Instead I just... let it happen."
"There are three basic reactions to an unexpected situation. You can
think of them as fight, flight, or freeze. You might have heard of a
deer caught in the headlights? Its actually a very natural reaction to
stay very still, in hopes that the predator misses you."
"But why didn't I choose fight instead? That seems like the more
masculine reaction."
"You may have instinctively realized fight would have failed."
"I.... I guess it would have. They had guns, if I had resisted, they
would have just shot me, or maybe my wife, or both of us."
"Then it sounds like you made the correct choice. But we'll have to deal
with issues like blame and shame at your next session."
"Okay, I guess. So what should I do until next week?"
"Let me give you some handouts on grounding. Work on it, and then we'll
progress from there."
"All right. Thanks again for seeing me again twice so quickly."
"Glad it worked out. See you a in a week?"
"Sure. although after that I should be back at work, and I'll have to do
some juggling."
"You ready to go back?"
"I have to be. I'll have used up all the leave I have available.
"You feel ready for that?"
"Like I said, I have to be."
"Okay. Good luck."
Jake shook her hand, and left. He made his way back to his own
neighborhood, and stopped to pick up a handful of groceries at the
nearby store first.
Once in the store, he cursed himself for not making a list of what they
needed, He wondered around, picking up items and putting them back, and
then when he got to the produce section, it happened.
He was in front of a display of cucumbers, and a flashback hit.
For a moment, he was lost in the memory of what happened, but then he
remembered what the therapist had talked to him about, and he dug his
nails into his hands, to break the connection to the past. Then taking a
breath, he looked around the store, at the displays, he counted the
shoppers nearby, and then went through the other senses. He smelled the
bakery, he listened to the announcements on the P.A., and brushed his
fingers against the wood of the display case in front of him, taking a
breath between each step.
Once he was satisfied the flashback was not going to return, he went and
got a pre-made frozen pasta meal for dinner, a carton of milk and a loaf
of bread, and left the store.
He went home, put away the milk and bread and put the pizza in the oven
for dinner, figuring it would be ready by the time his wife came home.
A half-hour later, Allison came home, and they shared the meal, and Jake
told her about the counseling, and the grounding techniques he learned.
She tried them with him, and they both were smiling afterward.
They ended up sharing a bed that night, and even though there was no
sex, it still felt good to Jake to be able to feel her near him.
****
Jake goes for help Chapter Three - Back to work
The next morning, after Alison left, Jake decided he needed to do
something during the day, and phoned his boss at work.
He worked for the Department of Justice, but the job sounded much more
romantic than it was - he was a legal aide, helping the Crown
Prosecutors prepare for cases, and unlike most of his fellow workers,
he had no dreams of going in front of a judge and jury himself.
He had been very happy to just be a small cog in the wheels of justice,
at least prior to ... the incident.
Now he was just trying to figure out where his life went from here.
But he now had to cut off his wandering mind, because his boss had
picked up the phone at last.
"Jake, is this you? I wasnt expecting to hear from you for a week."
"I know Ralph, but well, ... I'm getting a little squirly just sitting
around, and I was wondering if I could come in?"
"Are... are you sure, Jake?"
"Yes. I need something to do. Work might just be the best thing I can
do. Besides, I was supposed to come back next week anyway, right?"
There was a long pause, and then his boss said, "I guess so. But you
know as well as anyone the kind of cases we get here."
Jake did know it - as Crown prosecutors, they handled only the most
serious cases - armed robbery, murder ....
And rape.
"I .... I would like to try. If you'll let me."
"All right, Jake. Come in, and let's give it a try. But I expect and
demand that if it gets too much, you dont try and be a tough guy. You
let me know, right away."
"Okay, Ralph."
Jake hung up the phone, and went and had a shower. Once finished, he
went into the main bedroom closet and found his suit and tie. Once
outfitted, he went to his car, and began to drive to work.
It wasnt as busy as when he normally went, but he knew the route by
heart, so he began to fiddle with his radio, trying to find something
worth listening to. But at this time of day, the AM dial was dominated
by blowhard talk show hosts, Religious leaders who spent more time
talking about the money they needed to do their good work than actually
doing it, and overloud sports commentators.
The FM side wasnt much better, being filled with immature disk jockeys
who spent more time telling jokes that only a three year old would laugh
at than they did actually playing music.
Eventually, he gave up, and turned the radio off, and finished the drive
in silence.
He carefully navigated the one-way streets of the downtown core, until
he got to City Square. City Square was a block sized patch of green in
the middle of the city, and most of the city, province and federal
buildings in the city framed it, including the federal courthouse.
The courthouse actually consisted of two parts, the courthouse itself
which sat on the west side of City Square, and behind that was the
office tower where the majority of the people whose work affected the
courthouse had their desks. This tower, modern and ten stories tall and
looking quite strange attached to the back of the more classically
designed courthouse, was where he was headed.
He went around to the far side of the building where there was an
entrance to an underground parking garage for those who worked there. He
drove up to the entrance and put in his staff parking pass, which opened
the gate to let him in.
He navigated the careful turns of the parking lot, found an empty spot,
and parked. He went to the elevator and pushed the button for the lobby.
Once out at the lobby, he went over to the reception desk, where he
signed in under the watchful eye of both a large security officer and a
pretty receptionist. He went to the elevators that would take him to his
floor, and a few moments later he was standing outside the door of his
section and took a deep breath.
"Here goes"
******
Jake goes for help Chapter 4
Jake went inside the section that he worked in, and went to see his
supervisor. The job they were currently doing was tedious, as they were
taking the old documents and transferring them to computers. At the same
time, they had to take current documents as they were created and do the
same thing, and that meant he would have to read hundreds of cases, all
of them serious, and many of them involving rape.
And the last time he had been here, reading one of those cases had sent
him into a flashback that left him sitting on the floor crying.
His boss had found him, and got enough of the story out of him to
realize that Jake was in no shape to work, and sent him home.
So now he had to convince the man he could handle the job, or maybe lose
his source of income ...
Jake took another breath, and went to his boss' s office, and knocked.
"Come in."
Jake opened the door, and his boss smiled, and said, "Come in, Jake."
Ralph McDonald was a large man, with greying hair, but despite his size
he had shown a gentle side when Jake had had his "episode" last time he
was here. It was then that Jake had learned that Ralph volunteered with
the Rape Crisis center, and so recognized the signs of post-rape trauma
right away.
"How you holding up, Jake?" Ralph said.
"Much better, I think. I've started counseling, its helping. "
"All right. You sure you're up to this? You'll let me know if it gets
too much?"
"I promise."
"Fine. I'm sure you remember where your desk is."
Jake indeed knew where his desk was, and he went to it, and found
himself hesitating to sit down in the chair.
Finally, after a deep breath, he sat down and went to work.
The first case was a relatively easy one - a car theft ring from the
early 50's that ended up going to the provincial Supreme Court. Jake
carefully went through the documents and transferred them to the modern
database, which took some time as the microfiche it had been stored on
was starting to degrade.
It took some time, but eventually he was finished, and ready for the
next case. He had another straightforward case, and then decided to have
a short lunch.
Once back from lunch, he got back to work, and it was another fairly
easy case - just a bank robbery from the 30's. He had heard about the
American cases like Bonnie and Clyde, but he had not realized there had
been comparable cases in Canada.
Once he was done with it, he looked at the clock, and figured he had
time for one last case before it was quitting time, and a few moments
later he had taken a file out of the storage and got ready to transcribe
the case.
And then he looked at the actual case, and started to shake.
It was a child abuse case from the early 70's and reading the trauma
suffered by the young men reminded him of his own situation, even if he
had been an adult when his attack had happened,
He shook and shook, trying desperately to use the grounding techniques
he had learned to keep himself in the present, but found it almost
impossible to avoid the flashbacks...
Just then his boss came in, and saw his distress.
He turned of Jake's computer , and then gently put a hand on Jake's
shoulder.
"Think you're done for the day. Come on, I have an idea for something
that might help."
Jake followed him numbly.
******
Chapter 5:
Jake followed his boss down the hall away from his computer shuffling
like a zombie.
Ralph led him out of the office, into the elevator, and down to the
basement of the building, which had been converted to workout area, and
pointed to a "heavy bag" used for boxing, and a pair of boxing gloves
hung beside it.
"Everybody's different Jake. But maybe, as a guy, what you need is a
place where you can get angry safely. Here, you can hit that back, or
even yell at it if you need to, and the bag wont mind, which wouldn't be
the case with anyone else you might have that impulse with. "
Jake looked at the bag, and then at the gloves.
"Go on. put them on, and give it a go."
Jake slipped the gloves on, and then faced the bag.
"Imagine its your rapist, and go for it."
Jake just stood there, and then closed his eyes.
"Hit him, Jake. Hit him hard."
Jake continued to keep his eyes closed, and then shook.
"Let it out, Jake."
Suddenly, Jake threw a haymaker at the bag, and then followed it up with
a flurry of punches. With each punch, a primal scream built inside him,
and finally it escaped his lips, and he he screamed and punched for
several minutes until he was totally exhausted. His hands were sore, and
he was totally out of breath, but what surprised him was the fact that
tears were streaming down his face, and he couldnt seem to stop them.
"It will get better, Jake. Not right away, but over time, as long as you
work at it, it will get better." Ralph said.
"How ... How do you know?"
"Because I've been where you are now, Jake. I've been through the same
thing you have. I've now come out the other end, and you can too."
Jake looked at the large man incredulously. "You ... were raped?"
Ralph nodded, and said, "Come back to my office, and I'll tell you about
it."
Jake took off the gloves, and followed Ralph back to the elevator and
then to his office, all the time wondering how this was possible. Who
could have raped a guy like Ralph? And how could he be so .... together
about it?
Ralph let Jake into the office, and indicated a chair while getting
comfortable in the larger chair behind the desk. The the large man
sighed, and said, "This sort of conversation would probably go easier
with a shot of whiskey, but I had to give up the bottle a couple of
years ago to save my liver."
Jake said, "You .... sure you want to talk about it?"
"Yeah. I think you need to hear this, and its .... just a story, now. It
cant hurt me anymore."
He sat in silence for a moment, then sighed, and began.
"I was eighteen years old. I had left home for the first time to go to
college, and I was enjoying the freedom of being an adult.
A couple of the older students had a party, and I went, and got to have
a drink of alcohol for the first time, and decided I needed to walk it
off.
I got a little lost, and found myself walking down beside a major road,
and some guy came by, and asked if I needed a ride.
I wondered if he thought I was a girl, because I had grown out my hair,
and was pretty thin in those days, but in my slightly tipsy state I
decided to take him up on it.
I fell half asleep in his car, so wasnt really aware of the fact that he
wasnt taking me home, until he stopped the car and I realized we were
somewhere far away from where I needed to be.
I wont tell you what happened next, you can probably guess anyway, but
eventually I got away, and managed to run back to the dorm I lived in.
I decided I would go and report what happened to me, and found out that
the police wouldnt take me seriously. I was a guy, and guys dont get
raped, or at least that was the opinion of the cops in those days.
It took me a long time to get over what happened to me. I put a lot of
my anger into being a lawyer who would change the attitudes of police
and other services, and get them to recognise that guys could be victims
too, and I'm proud to say I succeeded to some extent.
So I do know what your going through, Jake. And if you'll let me, I'll
help you get through this, any way I can."
Jake sat there in silence for a while, and then said, "O... okay. What's
next?"
"Next is you go home to your wife, and try and have a good night.
Tomorrow will be another day, and another step on your journey to get
past this."
"Baby steps, huh?"
"Baby steps, day by day, Jake. And I'll be with you, and your wife as
much as you want me, deal?"
"Deal"
******
Many years later, Jake sat with his wife, and waited his turn to speak
to a crowd of dignitaries It had indeed been a long journey to healing,
but he now was able to use his experiences to help motivate others to
not let shame stop them from getting the help they needed.
And every speech he ended with saying a thank you to Jill, and
especially to Ralph for seeing him through the worst of his darkness,
and said the same thing Ralph had said to him.
"Baby steps, day by day. Just like Ralph taught me."
End
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