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June 6: I resolve to write all my thoughts, my hopes and my dreams, my fears and my angers, my hatred and my love, to understand them and control them, in this diary as the year unfolds. It will be the story of the last year of this age, and the beginning of the next. Nobody, needless to say, will ever read this collection of my thoughts, except myself, so I have freedom to say what I will. "Mahdi, come here." It was my master Wahid - he was ready to start the meeting. The name of my people you could call "One World ", although it doesn't translate well into English. Our belief is that each human being on the face of the earth is equally valuable, that we will overcome all resistance one day and the world will worship the same god together. And the ones that don't will be cast into the abyss. By us, if necessary. I joined Wahid when I was 17 - my father had died when I was 8 in the Great War, and my mother had remarried to an angry and abusive soldier named Abdullah - I stayed away from the house when I could because Abdullah was a man who also believed that all men were equally valuable - as if they were all his swine. My life would have been different if my father had stayed alive. His picture stayed in the living room - my stepfather didn't like it, but my mother refused to have it taken down. My father looked like me - he had the same intense gray eyes and he was as strong as a tiger. Then Wahid came into my life. Life was hell before I met him - dirty, violent, hungry, and penniless. Some boys in my neighborhood managed to get through their days by chasing women, some robbed houses and some beat up those weaker than themselves. I, like many others, discovered that true happiness lies in absolute fealty to my master, Wahid. I met him on a moonlit night - I had cut a bike lock in a far-off neighborhood, and was about to ride home with the bicycle, when I felt a steel grip around my wrists. Even in agonizing pain, I remember the look on Wahid's face. It was a look of ferocious conviction, and incredible mental strength, to match his physical strength. He had long, wavy hair which whipped in the wind, and I was awestruck by this god among men. After he lectured me about taking what was not mine, he did not take me to the police, but told me to go home. But I came back the next day. I wanted to see him again. I had always been attracted to strong men like him - he was a man of ferocious conviction - he led a group of men who followed all facets of the divine law, and he taught me the truth - that the west and its godless culture would corrode the entire world. Wahid liked to say that the world is a pearl, and western culture is a bottle of acid. If the rise of decadent culture continues, all that is good and noble will be destroyed. He began to tell us more and more about the end of the world, as the truth was revealed to him. "Mahdi, I had another vision." He said, "One day, the clouds will gather, and darkness will reign. Lightning bolts will rain down like hail and there will be a neverending thunder. Then, the fires will start, and consume and purify all the wickedness, the slime, the impurities. Great fire beasts will ascend from the deep and devour every evil thing, making horrible grinding and gnashing noises that will deafen all who are nearby. Soon, there will be nothing but ash, dozens of feet deep, and a complete and utter silence. Then, after all evil is purged, life will begin again, but this time all will be pure. The sun will return and spring will come, an everlasting spring, and the trees and vines will grow again, and all beasts will live in harmony. But only the pure will survive the evil times and only the pure will live to see the golden age. And the only way to prove their purity is to begin the destruction of the wicked now." I told my mother about the end times, but she did not believe. She just warned me to stay away from him. "He is danger, Mahdi, he can lead you astray," she said. "I have seen many boys your age lost to angry evil men who care nothing about them. You are my only son! I don't want you lost to some brute who loves to hear the sound of his own voice, who will sacrifice you without a thought. Your life is precious to me. There are many ways to bring glory to heaven, Mahdi, this is not one of them. Why do you not look for a girl, settle down, have children?" I was disgusted. "I am not interested in women - I am interested in men who will lead us out of our wretched lives! Your Abdullah treats me as a dog. Wahid does not - he treats me as his most cherished. I will follow him to the ends of the earth. I believe he is the chosen one, the one who will lead us out of the dirt and muck and into new lives where we are glorified. He told me so himself. He said I would be at his side forever in paradise." "I don't like the way you talk - I don't like you talking about following men into paradise," she said with a raised eyebrow. "Why can you not follow your own path?" "Because he is greater than me, he is my master, I want to be with him at all times. You cannot understand for you are a woman! He has warned me about the deception and tricks of women." "I understand more than you think," she said. "I think there may be reasons you follow him that you do not yourself understand," She shook her head and sighed. Foolishness, absolute foolishness. I refused to listen to her womanly ignorance and walked out of the door. Over the next few months, I became Wahid's greatest warrior, his eyes, his ears, his right-hand man. With the exercises he taught me, I became physically strong. I became fiercer and stronger, and I could break down all resistance and destroy obstacles in my path. Mercy is a great virtue in normal times, but these are not normal times, and to show mercy is only to show weakness. Wahid has officially named me Lightbringer, and stated that I am below only him in the eyes of heaven. I wept openly, and told him that I would gladly be beneath him for all eternity. But all that is background, and I have a story to tell. There was a meeting scheduled in just moments, and I took my usual place at Wahid's right side. We murmured excitedly, knowing that this was a moment of almost unbearable significance. Wahid marched in the room, locked the door, pulled the curtains, and gathered us around him. Wahid's eyes sparkled, and for the first and only time I ever saw, he smiled. "We have acquired a treasure that is almost beyond value. It is a miracle straight from heaven. We have broken into a laboratory in Russia and taken technology that will help us achieve everything that we have dreamed of. We have been locked down in this neighborhood, in this valley, restrained because the decadent west is watching us - it knows who we are and what we plan to do. If we had different appearances, we would be unstoppable - imagine if you will, if we looked and acted as normal westerners - no one would be able to stop us." "This material, this technology that has been bestowed upon us, can transform a man into whatever he wishes - he can become as tall as he wishes, as strong as he wishes. We have acquired one vial of specially treated serum which will transform one man into another." "Now let me ask you, what would be the greatest disguise, the least expected appearance of a man who wanted to destroy the west and begin the time of the end? It would be a woman! A western woman who looks and dresses and talks like any other western woman, but has the beating heart of a heavenly warrior within." We nodded in assent, although I could tell there was some murmuring and unease around the table about where this was leading. "Silence!" I said. "Wahid, please continue." I stared daggers around the table. "And who among us has the courage, the strength, the ability to act as and become this woman?" I looked around the table - everyone was looking at me for some reason. A voice to my left said "Mahdi" Then the whole table cried out "Mahdi." I was flattered by their belief in my courage and strength. Many men had sacrificed themselves for greater causes than this - I would become a great martyr, one who generations of children would worship! Wahid looked at me, his face the picture of kindness and concern. "I think everyone here believes that you are the only one who could become this great warrior inside a woman, Mahdi. What say you, my brother? Do you have the courage?" "I have great courage, and I will do whatever you wish me to do. But I cannot understand why you will not allow to become a different man, an ordinary western man who will rise up and destroy the government rather than a woman. You yourself have warned of the foolishness and ignorance of womankind." "There are two reasons," Wahid said. "First, there will be no suspicion if you become a woman. There have been American men who tried to destroy the government and society, many in fact, and men of any appearance are not above suspicion. Women, especially American women, would be able to get away with anything. Absolutely anything. Second, and more practically, the only serum we have is from a young Russian female subject. So there is no choice." Without a moment's thought, I said, "I will do it. I will wear this disguise, I will become this woman, and we will begin the battle which will destroy the dark forces which threaten to overwhelm the world. This is my destiny." Everyone cheered, everyone except Mois. Mois was a small man, a few years older than I, the most intelligent man in the group, and he seemed to be able to read my mind at times. Others in my group also felt uncomfortable around Mois, because he did not always say what he thought, and he had hidden motives. He did not show his cards. He spoke up - "Perhaps Mahdi may be too natural a choice for this role. Perhaps he may lose sight of his goals when he becomes a woman." I felt my face become flushed with anger. "What are you implying, Mois? Are you saying that I would enjoy being this western whore? Are you saying I am not really a man at this time? If you wish to insult me this way in front of the group, then I believe you wish to fight!" "I do not insult your courage or your beliefs. I just suggest that one who seems eager to assume this role may not be the ideal one to play the role. You are young also, and new in your beliefs, and you have not been tested in the fires. Beyond that, you are also one who speaks whatever passes through his mind at the time - you have not learned the art of subtlety and subterfuge." "Perhaps you wish to volunteer, Mois," I said. "Perhaps you are the only one courageous enough. I am not eager to become a woman, I make a great sacrifice and humiliate myself in front of everyone, because I am the only one with the heart of a lion." He smiled and shook his head. "No, you are right, Mahdi. I and the others would not be willing to do this no matter what the stakes were. You should be the one. But I want you to remember every day, every second, what your mission is." Still shaking with rage at Mois, I walked from the room. Wahid followed me. He said, "I am sorry, my brother, if Mois put doubt and rage in your mind. I will talk to each of our men and assure them that you are capable and single-minded, and I will threaten them with death if they mock or misunderstand your great mission." "Thank you, Wahid. You know that I will not stray from the path." "I know, Mahdi. You must start your mission tonight - you need to take the injection, but what's more, you must to learn to become a woman on the inside as well as the outside. The transformation should be complete in 5-6 days, and I have a flight for you in one week, a flight to the beating heart of the great Satan, a place ironically called the City of Angels." The mission did indeed begin that night. I took one injection, and one injection only. Wahid took a long needle, and thrust it deep into my stomach. The serum was to change every cell in my body from a male cell into a female cell, each cell changing the one next to it. Wahid explained that the so-called "krimisoms" inside the cell would transform into female "krimisoms", and that would make the cell become female, then they would spread and make the adjoining cell become female, until every cell in my body would become female. Every cell except my brain, and my spinal cord, and my eyes. Wahid had told me that these areas were protected from the change - even my eyes would be protected because they were part of, as he called it, the "central nervous system," He said my gray eyes would stay the same, but they would be the only part of my visible body that would stay the same. Fortunately I wasted much of my childhood watching American cartoons and movies on our television, and could understand most English speaking and writing. I also began to try to act and talk like an American girl - I watched a website called Youtube and studied the girls and tried to speak and walk as they did - I had a good ear and began to be able to speak English without an accent. I decided my new name would be "Maddie," short for "Madeleine." The changes began quickly - 2 days after my first shot, I noticed a tiny white dot at the site of the injection. The large dark hairs fell out as the spot advanced. My belly, which had been rock-hard now had a thin layer of softness. At the next meeting, Wahid had me show it off to the rest of the men. "It is working - soon our brother Mahdi will have the outward shell of a western woman." As the frighteningly white spot advanced to my groin, I noticed that the large black hairs were replaced with smaller red hairs. At about the same time, it had advanced to both my groin and my nipples. My brown manhood became lighter and smaller, and over two days shrank, retreated into a newly formed moist crack in my groin, and became a tiny white nub I could barely see. I rejoiced at this, as it showed that I was now a woman and my faith was real and soon I was to ascend to glory. My hips became larger and wider, and my waist became smaller. My breasts became soft, larger, and engorged as the circle advanced, and my nipples became large and sensitive. It was shocking how much my breasts grew over only three days, and by the third day, it became uncomfortable to run or jog, and I had to wrap my breasts with cloth to hide them and to keep them from bouncing when I walked. I stuffed a sock in my underwear to give people the illusion that I was still a man. By wearing loose-fitting clothes, I could still pass for having a man's body. That night I took my clothes off and stood in front of the mirror. I laughed out loud - I had the same bronze head, neck, legs, and arms I had always had, but the middle of my body was a western woman's, with large breasts and hips, and a red triangle of hair in my groin. I probably tried to pass too long as a man - I was wearing a loose long- sleeved shirt and sitting with my back to the room, when my mother saw me. She screamed, and said - "Son, you have leprosy!" She had seen the white circle advance halfway up my neck, to the point that my collar could not cover it. I pulled my shirt up so my neck could not be seen, and said, "I do not, I would know if I had leprosy." "You do, your skin is ghostly white - I saw it!" "You're wrong, it must be a trick of the light." I turned to face her. She screamed again. When I pulled my shirt up, it pulled my shirt over my pants, and she could see my white, hairless stomach. "We must get you to a doctor, your whole body is turning white! And your chest seems bigger, I don't understand! What kind of spell..?" "No, you do not understand, Mother. I have been doing many pushups and my chest muscles have become very large. And then, I accidentally poured bleach on my stomach when I was doing laundry, but even though it pains me a little, all will soon return to normal. Trust me," I tried to smile, but she could tell I was lying. I wasn't much of a liar, this much was true. "I do not trust you and I don't know what you're up to. Even your voice sounds different, you sound like you did when you were 12 years old! We must get Dr. Azid, he will know how to fix this." "Mother, I must go. I don't know how to say this, but I'm not sure you will see me again. I love you." She began to wail, but before I could think too long about how much she was hurting, I ran into the night, to find Wahid, and complete my transformation in solitude. It was late at night when I knocked on the door and Wahid answered. He had been studying the the scriptures, as he often did, and came to the door. I told him I could not appear in public anymore as the freak I had become, and he understood - he put me into his spare room, and said I could remain until the transformation was complete. The next morning I crawled out of bed and went to breakfast. As soon as I saw Wahid, he began to laugh. I started to join him, then I stopped because I was not sure why he was laughing. He said, "Look in the mirror, Mahdi," I walked over to the mirror, and looked. My loose- fitting shirt could not hide my breasts - my thin white neck was visible and my face, well, my face is what he was laughing at. The line had passed my lips and my whole jaw had gotten white and smaller. I looked like I had a skin disease. I covered up my face above my lips and looked - just like a woman, I thought. I spoke, but when I spoke I didn't sound like my 12 year old self any more. My voice came out full and feminine. "Wahid," I said, "will you still consider me your brother when I am transformed? I have also wondered many a time, when we walk together in paradise, will I appear as this ghostly white woman or will I appear in my proper form?" He spoke kindly - "Mahdi, you will always be my brother. Your outward appearance is trivial. But I do believe that after you have finished your glorious sacrifice, you will return to your proper form." The next morning I hurried to the mirror to see what had changed overnight - now my nose, which was a long and noble nose, had gone, and had been replaced by a small white nose. I looked like I was wearing a brown mask over my eyes. My hair on the back and sides had become red, although my hair on top was still black. I had had great difficulty sounding like an American woman when I had my own voice, but it was easy now that I had the throat and voice of a woman. The next morning the change was complete. I was now irreversibly and completely female. I stared at the mirror, and say my own gray eyes staring back at me, but otherwise had been completely transformed into an unfamiliar woman. I ran to Wahid, and told him that I had finished my transition to womanhood. He looked me at a strange way, not in the fatherly way he normally does, but in a different manner. He glanced at me but looked away quickly. "We need to get you out of here, as soon as possible. I have tickets for you, Mahdi. Tonight you leave for California. You will determine the best place to detonate "Plan X", which will destroy every living thing within 30 miles, I know you can do it." He looked at me one last time. "I have two more things to tell you, Mahdi." I took his hand and stared into his eyes. He said, "You are now the Lightbearer, the one I entrust to carry out my wishes, the one who will be above all others in the Kingdom. But you must not be captured alive." He then handed me a small device that looked like a large cell phone. "I have told no one about this, Mahdi. If you are about to be captured, unlock the safety latch here, and then push the red button, and you and everything within 20 feet will be destroyed. You must not be captured, do you understand me? You will be tortured and locked away forever if you are captured." I nodded in understanding. I waved goodbye, but I was too emotional to say anything. Mois and I drove to a safe house for the night, with the plan to charter a plane to Islamabad, and then on to Tokyo and L.A. Late that night, I heard a sudden clap of thunder, and a flash of light, and I felt that there was a storm coming, but I looked outside my window and there was only peace and darkness and stars shining brightly over the plain. The next day, during the plane flight, I was reading the newspaper, and was horrified to read the headline. "Drone strike kills Wahid: Cult Leader Among Confirmed Dead," I felt physically ill. The only man who cared about me was gone, destroyed by a treacherous, cowardly strike from above. I wept on the plane all the way to Tokyo. The stewardess asked me if she could do anything for me. I told her that the world had become completely dark that night. She said she was sorry. There was no hope of ever seeing him again, but still. It hurts. But we will be together in eternity. 6/13/13: Today, I arrived in Los Angeles. No problems with security - I look so harmless! So beautiful! The American men treat me with such politeness! Oh, if they only knew the destruction and revenge I will rain down upon their heads! I scouted out some locations, and I think that a swift boat can quickly approach the beach, and plant "Plan X" in the basement of a building located near the beach. This may be easier than I had thought possible. It will be a joy to rip off my earthly female vestments when the end comes, and reveal myself unto all. "I am Mahdi, bringer of fire!" I will say. And then I will laugh. I moved into a one-bedroom apartment several blocks from the beach. There are cockroaches and the neighbors scream at each other when they are drunk. 6/20/13: I am hoping to set off "Plan X" in October, but it will take some planning. I received an encrypted e-mail from Mois confirming the death of Wahid, and several others. He said has taken command, and that I will henceforth report to him. It is a very great step down in ability and leadership, I fear. But I suppose it does not matter. The die has been cast already. I myself spent time on the beach, scouting locations and determining the highs and lows of the tide. I must confess to my eternal shame that I was wearing a green swimsuit. I was hoping to avoid this - wearing a woman's swimsuit is as walking naked on the beach. It is a symbol of all that is wrong with western sexuality and decadence, but I was wearing a one-piece swimsuit, and all the other women were wearing two- piece swimsuits, which are much more whorish. Also, not wishing to sound egotistical, I have the right body for it. I was sitting on the beach planning where our boat can arrive and plant "Plan X" when I met a "surfer" named David McCullough, who is starting a "surf school" on the beach this year. Very striking man, muscular with long blond hair. I'll try to explain what "surfing" is some day, but suffice it to say that he can fly and jump and twist on the surface of the water, and I believe he has a touch of heaven inside him. I want to try to get to know him better, because when I look into his eyes, I can sense that there is a depth, a spirituality, that gives me shivers. When I met him for the first time, I had many of the same feelings as the first time I met Wahid. He showed me his gifts this afternoon, and I cannot believe that any mortal man can perform such feats upon the water. I told him my name was Madeline Fernstrom, and I was from Iowa, but I guess I said it wrong. I pronounced it 'Eewa' instead of 'Iowa.' He said, "Eewa, what's that?" "Iowa, I mean, from a great village called Cedar Rapids." "Oh okay", he said, with raised eyebrows. I think I blew my cover. I should never speak to him again, but I can't just act as if he doesn't exist. He may be on our side. He may be descended from the angels. I don't know yet. Is it not written that there are many who will be saved who are not of our flock? I believe he is one of these wandering but righteous sheep. 6/27/13: There is little security in the building - the fools here have no sense, no realization that their life of decadence is about to come crashing to the earth. David is teaching me how to surf - it is a magnificent activity. I too, wish to walk on water. I feel that I have found a spiritual mentor, in a sense, at least while I am separated from Wahid. I had a horrible burn from the sun last week - my skin was as red as my hair, and it felt like I was marching in the fire of hell when I walked down the beach. But with his own hands, David spread a specially prepared "sun block" lotion all over my skin which soothed the burning. He tells me it will keep me from burning if I place it on my skin each day, and that he would be happy to help me to apply this sun block each and every day. He is such a selfless man - he thinks only of the well-being of others. 7/4/13: I told Mois about David, and he implied that I was getting distracted from my mission. Mois cannot understand because he has not been in the presence of David and felt his magnetic pull. In fact, I feel that David must be one of the reasons that fate has called me here. David is an extremely spiritual man, but when I tell hem that, he just shakes his head and laughs. I think he does not realize his destiny or his spiritual gifts. He is not a common fool, and I believe one day the truth will reveal itself unto him, and he will be with us forever in paradise. He is much too kind, however. One of his suppliers sent him two defective surfboards, but he was not angry. He just laughed, and said he would fix them. I was not pleased. I called the suppliers, and told them if they didn't send him perfect surfboards immediately, I would personally visit them, and insert knives into their tires and perhaps even burn their warehouses. Three new surfboards appeared the next day. David said if he had any money he would hire me as his enforcer. I believe we should move back the timing of "Plan X" to November. David tells me that his surf shop closes in October, so I will be able to convey him to safety well before then. He says he takes plenty of trips to the beach, even in the winter, but he spends most of his time waiting tables in Sacramento in the "off-season". Such a lowly activity for such a godly man. Whenever I tell him of my worries, he tells me to "hang loose" or "just relax," We discuss philosophy - I say the reason we are brought to this world is to destroy all falsehood and to transform the world into a world of absolute purity. He says there is no such thing as absolute truth or purity. He says when he learned to accept the weeds in his lawn, he became a lot happier. He lives in a tent, and asks me if I wish to share his tent. Of course the offer was inappropriate, but I've started to run out of money for the apartment, so I bought a tent and set it up next to his. I do not feel this is inappropriate - after all, did Wahid himself not spend 100 days in the tent in the desert? Besides, I feel safer near David than living in my apartment. 7/11/13: I am having a horrible week. First, the woman's curse struck this month, and I felt that I could not even rise from bed. Then, David's girlfriend Gina arrived from out of town. A horrible, empty- headed infidel, and I think it calamitous that such a godlike man could dwell with such a despicable, devilish woman. I secretly believe that her bosoms have cast a dark spell on David. Gina told David that he needed to tell me to "get lost" because she thinks I'm "crazy," I found out because I was hiding in a bush watching them when she told him that. I sent a letter to Mois and told him the situation and advised him that we should bomb the place now instead of November. Nothing matters anymore. Get it over with quickly. 7/18/13: Mois says I sound less like a holy warrior and more like a "jilted girlfriend." But he is wrong once again. I told him I rescinded my letter from last week. Gina is gone, thanks be unto god, and the sun is shining in my heart again. I once again was hiding in a bush (see Mois, I have learned the art of subterfuge) and overheard her talking to one of her friends on the phone, and she told her friend that David has no future, and she wants to marry someone who is capable of having a "real job," I informed David immediately, and I told her that if she ever showed her face in Los Angeles again, I would cut her throat from ear to ear. She looked very nervous, and I do not believe that we will see her again. Who's crazy now? Move back "Plan X" to November. Dave's surf shop closes October 31. I told Mois he needs to wire an extra $500. Beach fashions in America are not cheap, and I do shop for the best deals, but to keep up with the times, I'm going to need some more money. 7/25/13: Mois says that there will be no more money forthcoming, and that if I want money, I'm going to have to earn it myself. So I am working for a few hours a week as David's business associate and handler of paperwork. He says my surfing is getting good enough that with a few weeks' practice, I may become good enough to start teaching others. He says he can only pay me a little bit right now, but that is okay. I am also working some shifts at "Tommy's Tacos," It is the best fast- food Mexican restaurant in southern California. I interviewed with Mr. Martinez, and he is now my boss. He is a very intelligent man, and I told him that my number two goal in life is to make the finest taco in Laguna Beach. He said what is your number one goal? I could not tell him my number one goal, of course. I work with a woman named Sara, and LaKisha, and Bobby. They are lazy and oafish. 8/2/13: Moiz wrote me a letter today. He says I have been "transformed completely into a silly American woman," He is wrong though, I am 100% male, through and through. There has never been a better example of virile, masculine, manhood than myself. I have purchased a series of push-up bras, which make it appear as if my breast size has been enlarged - almost to Gina levels. Dave himself even commented on how attractive my breasts appear. He had several tequilas last night and suddenly declared, "Maddy, you're stacked!" Which means, I believe, that my breasts are substantial and attractive. This is of course desirable, as the more attractive I become, the less my true aim will be visible. This is the reason why I focus on beautifying my appearance, not for any superficial worldly reasons as Mois implies in his increasingly hateful letters. I was working today, when suddenly a wave of regret washed over me. There can be no mercy in these end times, but I am beginning to feel guilt that one day my new world will be destroyed because of my actions - Mr. Martinez, Tommy's Tacos, the beach, Dave's Surf Shop, most of my customers, even Sara and LaKisha. I would of course gladly dispose of Bobby. I will have no feelings of regret when he is devoured by the fire beasts. He called me Redheaded Sugartits, when he was high on the marijuana, and I despise him intensely. I decided that just a hint of mercy would be acceptable, and that I could bring just a bit of light to my newfound world. I decided to inform my customers that they should mend their ways now, before the time of trouble. Unfortunately, Mr. Martinez did not approve. He said, "Maddy, have you been telling people at the drive-through that the world will soon end in fire?" "Yes, Mr. Martinez, I have." "Well, could you cut it out? You're one of my best workers, I don't want to have to let you go. Just tell them about Taco Tuesdays." "I did," I protested. "I said, 'Thank you for celebrating Taco Tuesday with your family here at Tommy's Tacos. 4 tacos for only 2 dollars! Repent, for the world will soon be cleansed by fire. Please drive though.' That's all I said, Mr. Martinez." "None of that," said Mr. Martinez. "Can I tell them there's a great darkness coming?" "No." "Many will struggle, few survive." "I'm putting you on notice, Maddy. No more apocalypse talk. I've been in the restaurant business for 30 years, and I have yet to hear a customer request a vague, disturbing warning about the end times." "Fine," I said. "If our valued customers vanish in the coming darkness, do not place the blame on my shoulders." "I won't. Just tell them about our tacos," he said. "Fine, just tacos." I told Dave about the situation that night. He said he didn't think the world was going to end in fire any time soon. I said, "Maybe sooner than you think. And maybe it's a good thing, David. Once the embers cool, the paradise that once existed will be restored." "What paradise?" he said. I said, "Once upon a time, men lived under palm trees, sleeping in tents at night, staring up at the stars, listening to the gulls at night. The waves lulled them to sleep at night, and they woke up to the soft pink tones of the sunrise, refreshed and revived." Dave laughed. "Look around you!" he said. "Well, sure, for us, I guess that's true, but I can't truly enjoy myself here when there are 10 million wicked souls yearning only for carnal and sensual pleasures just over the hillside." "Who cares about them?" said Dave. "They're not your problem. You're your problem. Just worry about yourself. And if you have a little extra time, think about me," He leaned over toward me, and kissed me on the lips. I shuddered. "I can't Dave, I can't. You don't understand. I am not who I am." "You're not just a regular girl from Eewa?" He laughed. "Maddy, I have no idea who you really are, sometimes you act like you're from Neptune, but I like you." "I like you too, Dave, but only in certain ways, not as a woman to a man, but more like two lifelong bosom friends." "I'll take what I can get," he said. I thought for a second. "Why do you like me? There are many girls you could like." "You're the prettiest one, and you're smart, and you're funny, and you're weirdly intense", he said, "and you're not like any girl I've ever met." "I don't mean to be funny," I said. "I know," he said. "You still are." 8/30/13: Work had gone well the last fewweeks. Business was picking up. I made two signs advertising our new chimichanga special, and did several interviews with local giveaway papers. I want us to achieve the title of 'Best Fast-Food Mexican Restaurant 2013', but who knows? There is great competition here in the metro area. Mr. Martinez walked up to me this morning. "Maddy," he said, "I have something to talk to you about." "What did I do?" I was worried. I needed this job. "Maddy, you've done such an amazing job the last few weeks I want to you to be our assistant manager," He handed me a nametag that said MADELINE FERNSTROM: ASSISTANT MANAGER. "I'm raising your salary by 4 dollars an hour." I couldn't believe it. I almost wept. I said, "Thank you, Mr. Martinez," I felt like adding 'I would gladly work by your side throughout eternity', but then I remembered how he didn't like that kind of talk, so I just said "Thanks" again. The next day, my friend Lakisha said to me, "Hey Red, who's your boyfriend?" "I have no boyfriend," I said. "Okay, who's the handsome surfer boy you get all moony about every time he comes in the restaurant?" "Dave McCullough. And he's only a friend. I barely know him. We live in side-by-side tents on the beach." "Ooookay," she said. "Some friend. I wish I had a friend like that." It had been a hard day, but it was almost closing time, when a familiar face walked in the door. I didn't recognize him at first, blond hair, bronze skin, beady little eyes, but then it came to me in a rush. Mois. He had bleached his hair and shaved his beard. It was too late to run and hide. He walked up to the counter. I played dumb. "Hello sir, how can we help you today?" "I need to talk to you right now, Mahdi," he said. He meant business. "Talk to me right now then. Tell me your order, sir. I cannot provide you with food if you do not tell me what you want. Our burritos are delicious. Try one today." "Cut the bullshit, Miss Assistant Manager. Come outside with me. We need to have a talk. The plan is going down, and it's going down this week. And so's the city. We are weary of relying on a stupid American bitch," He spat the last 3 words in disgust. "You can join us or you can die." "Sir, please do not talk to me in this manner. MR. MARTINEZ, CAN YOU COME HERE FOR A SECOND?" Mr. Martinez ambled over. "I asked this patron if he wished to order a burrito, and he threatened me with death. Please notify the police." "Are you serious?" said Mr. Martinez in a tired voice. "This girl's crazy!" said Mois, who had abruptly switched his expression from pure malice to one of innocent bewilderment. "I said nothing of the sort, I just hadn't decided what to order yet. Give me a break. The service is terrible in this place. I'm never eating here again," When Mr. Martinez wasn't looking, he made a slashing sign across his throat, opened the door, and he was gone. "I swear, Mr. Martinez, that man was threatening me." "Well, I'm sorry, Maddy. Do you want me to call the police?" I thought about it. "No", I said. "He's gone now." I wasn't sure I really wanted the police involved yet. I could give them a lot of info, but then, it might rebound back on me. And Mois's aim is also mine, after all. I think. At least, it used to be. Honestly, I'm not sure what my aim is anymore. David walked into the restaurant 15 minutes before closing time. I have not been so overjoyed to see someone walk in the door at any time in my life. I embarrassed myself by running to him, then actually hugging him and kissing him on the lips. I could not believe my own actions, and turned red in the face. Lakisha winked at me. "Are you ready?" he said. "I cannot go yet," I told him. "The broiler needs to be cleaned," Mr. Martinez overheard and told me I could get there 15 minutes early in the morning and finish up with the broiler. "Thank you Mr. Martinez," I said. I walked with David hand-in-hand to the beach. I knew this was all going to end soon, so I tried to appreciate what I had while I still had it. I believe I am out of the loop now with "One World," The end will come soon, and I won't have anything to do with it. I'm okay with that. Honestly, I never completely understood why we had to set off "Plan X" if the world will end in supernatural destruction. Why not let the fire beasts act of their own accord if they so wish? Why do I have to do anything to hasten the end? And seriously, is there such a thing as fire beasts? Is this all just a bunch of nonsense? Am I plotting to harm a bunch of innocent people for no reason at all? I shuddered at my own talk - I sounded like an infidel. I accidentally crawled into the wrong tent that night. I just had some pink shorts and a halter top on, and I snuggled down into the sleeping bag, when surprise!, there was a man next to me. "Maddy?" said David sleepily. "Whoops!" I said. "Wrong tent! Well, I'm too tired to return to my tent. I'll just sleep here with you, David, if that's alright." "Wait, I thought you were like a lifelong virgin or something. You really want to get together?" "No," I said, snuggling up next to him. "For God's sake, Maddy, you're driving me crazy." "Sorry," I said, then drifted off to sleep. I woke up around midnight. David was asleep. I crawled out of the tent, stretched my legs, and I was going to walk down to the restroom to refresh myself, when suddenly a hand grabbed me by the throat, and dragged me into the woods. A gag was tied around my mouth. "Bitch!" said Mois. "The world's going to end for you tonight." I struggled to free myself, but couldn't. I was not as strong as I was when I possessed my manhood. "I saw you crawl out of that infidel's tent, dressed as a whore. I can't believe I ever trusted in you at all, Mahdi. You weren't ever looking for truth or righteousness or purity. You were looking for a husband. You always wanted to live as a woman, didn't you? You've wasted our time and our money and our blood, and I'm not even sure heaven can bless us anymore, with the likes of you around. Stupid female." He raised his hand to strike me, but I had freed myself up enough to speak. "You cannot strike a woman. It says so in the Book of Righteousness. Neither can you kill her or cause her blood to flow. I am now a woman, Mois. Do not imperil your cause by striking me." He thought for a second. "You're right. You're not worth it. A two- bit whore is not going to keep us from our destiny." "I'm sorry, Mois. I may have wandered off the straight and narrow path just a bit over the last few weeks. But I still believe in our cause, Mois. Trust me." "It doesn't matter whether I believe you or not. The end is coming tonight. I have two men waiting in a boat offshore, and we're bringing Plan X to the city tonight, and that will be the beginning of the end for you and the rest of this evil world. Prepare yourself for hell, Madeline Fernstrom." "Mois," I said, "you are now the Lightbearer. I do not deserve this honor anymore. I cannot tell whether I will be saved or lost in the coming storm. But I want you to have this token of my feelings for you. Take this device," I said. "The master asked me to carry it at all times. You will receive the last message from Wahid when you unlock the safety latch here and then push the red button. Wait until you are with the other men, for they may also benefit from Wahid's wisdom." He narrowed his eyes in anger and I held my breath. He sneered at me. "I cannot believe that the master chose you instead of me to be the Lightbearer, but this error is now corrected. You are cast out. You are no longer one of us. I will receive the last message, because you have surrendered your place in the kingdom. I appreciate your gesture, but do not think that this will save you, Mahdi." With that, he walked out to the dock, fired up his speed boat, and took off in the darkness. I looked out at the horizon, waiting for the fireworks. It took a few minutes. A loud crack, like the sound of a gun fired several hundred feet away, echoed through the night, and a small fireball appeared on the horizon. Mois and the other two were now with Wahid. I walked back to the tent, and David was wide awake. "Did you hear that, Maddy? It sounded like a bomb! Shit," He breathed heavily for a minute, then laughed nervously. "Maybe you're right, Maddy. Maybe there is a time of trouble coming." "No, I don't think so. I think there may be quiet for a time." "What do you think it was, Maddie?" "Who can say? Let's go to sleep." The sirens were blazing as police cars raced back and forth along the beach road. A helicopter flew overhead, trying to find the source of the explosion. None of this disturbed me. David lay next to me, his strong arms draped over me in the tent. He caressed my left breast with his hand, and it felt as natural as the birds singing or the leaves growing in the trees. "David," I said. "I think we were meant to be together. You ignite in me a love I was ashamed of, a love I tried to deny. I was looking for something, but I didn't know what it was until I met you." He laughed. "Do not laugh please," I said. "I am very serious in declaring my love for you. You are as the ocean to my beach, the roots to my tree." "So...are you ready to go all the way?" "No. Perhaps when we are married." "Perhaps? Maybe not even then!" He laughed again. Maybe I am funny. "When do you want to get married?" he said. "I don't know. I had this big event planned for November, but that's been called off for good. Maybe November?" I thought for a second. "I'd like for my mother to attend the ceremony, but it's going to be complicated." "Is she pretty strict? Is it going to be complicated explaining to her that you're marrying a surfer?" "You have no idea," I said. I believe I'm done writing in my diary. I have no further need to write down my fears and anger and hatred. I don't really have any right now. Madeline Fernstrom (Soon to be Madeline McCullough. I hope.)