His Mothers Diary
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Mark's Diary Part 4 free porn video
Mark's Diary Part 4
By Mark Dayette
(story continues, my mother's domination over me reaches new heights)
I had become confused and overwhelmed by what was happening to me. I
blamed myself for being too weak to defend my manhood. I was also
paranoid, I wondered if my mother had somehow discovered the type of
fetish stories I was reading. On the other hand, in a more logical frame
of mind I viewed that as highly unlikely since I had never printed any of
the stories and my mother is terrible at using computers. My mother
barely knows how to check her E-Mail, that she could find Fictionmania
was out of the question. The pressure was becoming too much to bear, I
had the urge to escape from my living situation. I had gotten a new job
and a voice in my head was telling me to finally "man up" and move out of
my mother's house and that maybe then I would have a more confident alpha
male sexuality. I found an apartment about 10 miles away from my mother's
house.
When I moved into my new apartment I had thoughts of hope and change.
However, I quickly went back to my old habits of looking up photos of
bitchy female celebrities on the internet. I would look at these women
and imagine how they would laugh at my small penis and how their
boyfriends were well hung real men. At work I thought about trying to get
a date with some of the women there but I wasn't impressed by their
personalities, they didn't have the haughty attitude I was looking for.
Over the weekend my mother paid me a visit at my apartment. I was still
trying to unlock that new confident real man self and I was telling my
mother about an argument I had gotten into with a person on the internet.
I guess I sounded angry and my mother became annoyed by me and she
decided to shut down my aggression. She said in a very mocking tone,
"Baby is grumpy, Baby needs a nap." She was talking down to me like I was
a four year old child. I went immediately silent, I was stunned, since
moving out of her house I had forgotten how easy it was for her to put
down my ego with just a few words.
A few months later I spent the night at her house. During the night I
screamed out loud because I saw a giant spider crawling around in my old
bedroom. I killed the spider and thought nothing more about it. However,
the next day I found out that my mother had heard my scream so she asked
me what I was screaming about. And she said, "You squealed as though you
were getting screwed by your new boyfriend." It took me about 5-10
seconds to comprehend the utterly humiliating nature of the comment she
had just made. I felt weak in my knees, my whole face became hot, and
even worse a helpless and throbbing full erection had occurred.
Previously whenever my mother or aunt had verbally humiliated me I would
reluctantly get sexually aroused thinking about it later on, but during
the time when the degrading comments were actually being made to my face
I had maintained control over myself.
Therefore, this was a new low for me. My mother had now become so
aggressive and skilled at using degrading homosexual insults against me
that she had developed the power to control my body in a few seconds. As
I was still standing there in front of her with my knees quivering and
hoping that she didn't notice my erection I was flooded with a sense of
panic that if she noticed that her insult had made my penis hard I was
essentially confessing by my body reaction alone to being gay. That my
body was admitting that I liked the idea of squealing in pleasure while
getting screwed by a boyfriend. And make no mistake about it, when she
said "squealing" she meant "girlish moans of orgasm". I tried desperately
to regain my composure and I finally responded to her statement by
saying, "It was a spider, I killed it." Barely able to walk properly I
left her presence in a daze and went up to my old bedroom. My erection
got stiffer when I reflected on the fact that in my haste to flee the
situation I hadn't corrected her, I hadn't said, "I'm not gay, I don't
have a boyfriend." A voice in my head said to me, "If you will let her
talk about you moaning in pleasure from being screwed by a boyfriend that
you don't even have and you still won't defend yourself from her
comments, is there anything she can't say to you?" The range of her next
potential gay insults appeared to be unlimited. I began to imagine these
in my mind to test how I would react. I thought of her saying, "I'm
worried about who will take care of you when I die, I've got to find you
a rich husband." And then I thought of how absolutely humiliating it was
that I was so gutless I wasn't going to correct her by saying, "But Mom,
I will have a wife not a husband." I was the biggest wimp in the world.
In my mind I started to think of nightmare scenarios, I felt like there
was a struggle taking place inside of my mind and body and that the
submissive side was sinking me lower and lower. I felt embarrassed that
my mother calling me a queer had given me such a pleasurable erection. I
didn't want to like that. I wondered about my mother's state of mind, I
considered that she had always wanted a lot of power over other people
and had found an easy target in me. Aspects of her power over me were
growing more apparent by the day. First, although I had talked about
Hollywood gossip with her in the past, certain celebrity rumors I would
have once shared with her now made me too nervous that her response could
turn in a humiliating direction for me. I worried that if I said that X
actor is bisexual my mother would turn my statement back on me and say,
"You like men too."
She continued to talk down to me like I was a child. She would use this
mocking tone and say something like "Baby needs his Mommy." Being treated
like a child was getting into my psyche and started showing up in my
dreams. One night I dreamed that I was spending the night at my mother's
house and she was angry at me. She ordered me to completely undress in
front of her and I did what she said. She made me lay nude face down on
the bed and she started spanking my bare butt very hard, and as she
spanked me my small penis was pressing helplessly against the bed. She
spanked me for about 5 minutes and a few times during the spanking I had
yelled out "Mommy, it hurts! It hurts!" I eventually noticed that she had
stopped spanking me and I turned my head to the side to see what she was
going to do next. She still looked angry. Suddenly I noticed that she had
a tube of red lipstick in her right hand. And with the red lipstick tube
in her hand she approached my sore recently spanked bottom and she began
to write in huge letters across my ass cheeks the word "SISSY". Then she
made me turn around so that I was facing her which made my small penis
was quite visible to her. She pulled down the covers and the sheets and
made me get inside of them. With a stern look on her face she said, "Now
get to bed little girl." When I woke up from the dream I noticed that it
had been a wet dream.
A voice in my head began demanding that I at least define my sexuality to
myself. It asked me a series of questions. "Does your mother accusing you
of being gay sexually arouse you?" "Does the thought of your mother or
aunt dressing you in women's clothes and forcing you to date men arouse
you?" "Does the idea of being a feminized sissy slave arouse you?" And I
shamefully answered "Yes" to each question.
A few weeks later my mother brought up the news media hot topic of gay
marriage. My mother said she was opposed to gay marriage, she said it was
wrong. I immediately got nervous because she looked directly at me and
wanted to hear my opinion. I tried to avoid giving a pro gay marriage
opinion in too clear terms although that's definitely how I feel. I
rambled something about America being made up of all types of different
people and the doctrine of personal freedom and that it wasn't anyone's
business if gays wanted to have marriage rights. That wasn't what my
mother wanted to hear but she didn't press the issue. Honestly as I was
talking about gay marriage I had the urge to use the topic to confess an
aspect of my hidden sexuality to her. That I was having desires to say
something like that gave me a fluttering feeling in my head. What I
wanted to say to her was, "Some of the gay marriages are really hot, one
of the guys will be the man and he wears male clothing and the other one
is his bottom and that guy is the girl in the relationship and he wears
women's clothes." And in my fantasy my mother would say, "You think
that's hot? Is that what you want?" And I would say "Oh God yes, that
would feel so good, it would be so humiliating if I was a real man's
feminized wife." That brings up another difficult question for me to
resolve. I don't technically think I can call myself "gay" because I'm
only attracted to men under the condition that I'm feminized at the time.
To Be Continued...
Uma
- 06.10.2022
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