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Search and Rescue by Kim. October 2016. I suppose I should have been more careful and alert, but then I would never have met Daphne. I had lapsed into my usual reverie of nature when... "Beautiful isn't it?" "Ahhh!" I nearly jumped out of my skin. Or worse, jumped off the cliff! I had been viewing the gorgeous fall foliage for so long I must have been in a trance, because she walked right up behind me without me noticing. On most days that wouldn't have bothered me at all, but this day I had decided to go hiking en femme. I was in stealth mode, mostly covered up with matching purple fleece sweatpants and a hoodie as I was climbing, but at the peak I had shed my pack and the sweats to reveal the Capri length yoga pants and thin tank top with my sports bra clearly visible underneath. The sports bra and pants were also matching colors, but instead of a neutral purple, these were a riot of pinks and greens and yellows - sort of a wearable tequila sunrise. I was hot and I assumed that this late in the day I would be alone on the summit so had shed the more conservative outer layer. I must have looked at her as if she was an alien creature about to take me up to her mother ship and dissect me. "I, um, you..." "The view, isn't it beautiful?" "Yes. Gorgeous." I wasn't looking at the view any longer, though. I was watching her for some sign of what she was going to do. I had not made any effort at being passable, and hadn't used my breast forms, though I had brought them along. I only decided not to use them at the last minute as they were such a pain to clean after they got really sweaty. So I had chosen the bra that fit me as I was, rather than as I sometimes wished I was. And fortunately sports bras are easy to find in my size - 38A. I guess what I am trying to say is that she had to have tagged me as male right away. "I'm not going to hurt you, or make fun of you, if that is what you are worried about." I had been staring at her so intently for so long, as she just enjoyed the scenery, I guess she felt compelled to say something to make me relax. "Oh. God, I'm sorry I was staring at you like that, I umm..." I was starting to recover, but still didn't know what to say. I turned back to the view of the valley, with the trees, mostly Maple and Birch, in peak fall colors, the orange, red and yellow mixed with what green remained. "Thank you," I finally managed to blurt out. "I'm sorry I surprised you. That is a very pretty outfit. Lululemon?" "I wish I had that kind of money to spend on clothes! No, it is a knock off, though it still set me back almost $80." I glanced sideways at her. She was wearing very sensible hiking clothes. Pants with zip off legs and a long sleeve quarter zip long sleeve top. The pants were gray but the top was a bright green with grey sleeves. She had hair that would likely fall below her shoulders, but it was up in a high ponytail sticking out a waterproof pink ball cap. I realized we were wearing the same hiking shoes (women's of course!) "Nice shoes," I said. She looked down at her shoes, and then at mine, and laughed. It was possibly the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. "I'm Daphne." She extended her hand. I shook her hand and tried to talk. "I, um" "What name would you like me to call you today?" "Kim?" "Then Kim it is. Can I get you to take a picture of me Kim? I usually just get selfies and that's just not what I am looking for." "Sure, I would be happy to!" So we took pictures of each other. She took my camera and took a few shots. Then she loaned me her hat and helped me pull my longish hair into a high ponytail just like hers, then took my picture from behind while I was enjoying the view. As she was about to give me my phone back she said, "one of both of us" and took a selfie of the two of us, with me still wearing her hat. "So do you mind if I ask a few questions, Kim?" She was smiling, and had been so nice, my guard was dropping. I was still nervous, but she looked so pretty and had been so nice. "Sure. I guess I owe you that much for being nice to me." The first was an easy one: "You look very pretty. Do you do this often?" "I don't know what you would mean by often. I get the urge to do it maybe once every week or so, though it could be five times in one week, and five weeks between times - I guess depending on what else is going on in my life." She looked thoughtful, like she was really interested in my answers, but she also looked like she had a bit of a smile, like she had a secret or was hiding contempt. She still seemed nice, so I let it pass. "Do you ever wear a wig or makeup?" I laughed "That would be nice, but I can't afford a wig, at least one that is intended to look real, rather than one that makes me look like I am wearing a costume. I've grown my hair out a bit, but it's kind of in a too short and too long phase. I will say I like the ponytail you gave me. Here, let me give you your hat back." "No keep it! It looks nice on you and I have another." She started digging into her pack and brought out a little pouch and a replica of the hat in a beautiful medium green. As she put it on she asked "and the makeup?" "I've experimented with makeup, but also can't afford to spend a lot of money there, and I think unless you are willing to make an investment, it's not going to be good enough." She paused a minute as she straightened her hat, then went for broke. "Why? I mean, do you want to become a woman? Do you, what do they say - feel like you are in the wrong body?" "No, I don't want to be a woman; I just want to experience what it would be like. I don't hate my body, so I am fine with it, but I do think it is a very incomplete expression of who I am. Let me put it another way - I just want to do what I do normally - while dressed as a woman. This transforms me in some ways. Some who know about this and have seen me dressed say I am a different person. I think I am just expressing different parts of me that are less socially acceptable fort a man to express. It is hard I think, because with our shared history, they can't see me as anything other than the man they know wearing the wrong clothes." "Well I think if with your hair fixed as it is now and some other, adjustments, well why not go further and try to make it less obvious? Maybe if they had to look harder to see the man, they could accept the clothes, and you. It sounds like there is no one in your life who can do that. The most obvious start would be some - padding." She said that as she held her hands up around her breasts and made gestures like holding some massive tatas. We both laughed. "I do have breast forms." I paused and looked at her - she seemed very curious. "I don't know why I am telling you all of this. I guess I feel I can trust you. I have them with me but decided not to use them." She paused a long time - I could tell she wanted to ask to see them or something, so I just went all in. "Would you like me to wear them? I will have to change my bra but I will do that if you want." "Yes please!" She was overjoyed that I offered. As I changed my bra and inserted the breast forms, she sat with her back to me still enjoying the foliage. She kept on with her questions. "Does it get lonely? You must spend a lot of the time alone?" "I try not to dwell on that too much. One thing I can tell you is that dressing puts me in a very mindful state. I am not thinking about all the cares and burdens. I am just in the moment." "I'm sorry to keep at this idea of changing, but what if you were neutral right now - no boy or girl parts - and had to choose? Which would you choose?" "I don't know. I think it would be fun to be a girl, if I wound up that way. I just don't have any reason to change. No reason at all, much less one that would be compelling enough to go through all that would entail. I'm not even sure I could choose - maybe I would just need someone else to choose for me, but I guess those would be extraordinary circumstances." I turn around and announce I am ready, and she turns to look at me. "You would be a very pretty woman." She holds up her little pouch and says, "Would you let me apply some makeup? I think I can show you with just a very light basic application you can make amazing changes." "I don't know - that's..." "Please? I promise no more questions and it will take less than 5 minutes." "OK, OK! I think I would do almost anything you asked me to right now." That must have been the right thing to say because she smiled and I was captivated. It actually took about eight minutes before she announced she was done. "Here - give me your phone again." I passed it over, and she thumbed through the pictures. "I am deleting these old ones - that's not you. Here - stand by the edge of the valley and look out - I will recreate the picture with the new you." She took my picture as I gazed over the foliage once more, and took several other shots, including a few selfies of both of us and a face and upper body shot, showing off my breasts and her makeup job. I have to admit, it was way more passable than I had ever been. "I really do look like a woman. I can't tell you how good this makes me feel." She looked at me intently and said, "don't let others bring you down. If you like this, do it. If you go to a makeup counter on the way off hours and ask someone to show you how to add shading with foundation and blusher, and enhance your lips a little with a bright but somewhat neutral lip color, you can learn how to recreate this look in no time, and it won't break the bank. Promise me you will do that?" "I promise." I wasn't sure if I meant it, and she must have guessed that. "I hope you will. I would like to think I've brightened your day as much as you have brightened mine." "What did I do?" I asked. "You trusted me. That means a lot." "But now I have to go." We shared a hug and she put on her pack and said, "take care, Kim. It was a pleasure to meet you." She headed off on a different trail I was planning to use. For a while I just stood in that spot. I felt sensitive to everything around me. I closed my eyes and felt the warm breeze blow softly against my skin. I heard the whisper of the trees as the breeze passed through. I opened my eyes and saw again as if it was the first time the pallet of fall colors draped over the forest below me. My soul was at peace. However, with her leaving, realize how lonely I am, and sit on the peak and have a good cry. Eventually I decide to stay as feminine as I am so I put my purple fleece into my backpack, throw the pack on, and head down the trail towards the parking lot. My route takes me on a ridge line across a lower peak and adds a mile or so to the loop, and involves a very steep descent through a boulder strewn path. Because it is late in the season, by the time I get back to the parking lot it is almost dark. There's a forest ranger's truck in the lot. As I make my way to my car he calls out to me. "Miss?" I almost don't realize he is referring to me until he repeats it. "Miss, can I have a quick word?" I walk over and he holds out a piece of paper. He shines his flashlight on it and I realize it is a photo of Daphne. "Have you seen this girl on the trail today?" "Yes, that is Daphne, isn't it?" I realize my voice seems very high. The pitch is probably due to the weather which has turned cool and a need for a drink of water. "Yes, that's right. When and where did you see her?" "I met her on the summit of Little Hedgehog Mountain. Here, we took a picture, let me see what the time stamp is." As I took out my phone and opened it up, I asked, "Is she OK? She seemed to be a confident, experienced hiker." "She was reported missing a few days ago, and we just found her car here in the lot. This will help us immensely." I got to the picture she took of both of us and got the properties. "It was 3:02 PM" He took my phone and verified the time, and checked a couple of the other pictures. I was nervous, but then remembered Daphne had deleted the pictures of me in before I was so passable. I wondered if I was passing to the ranger. "And this is you in the picture Miss?" "Umm, yes.." "OK, I will need you to give your name and contact info to my partner Jill. Please excuse me." "Wait - she took off on the Great Brook trail towards Big Hedgehog. I hiked that trail just last week and know it well. I would like to help look for her." He gave me a look like 'Oh God another wanna-be rescuer' but just said, "Let Jill know you can volunteer when you give your contact info to her. There may be a way you can help." He obviously doubted that would be the case. I started towards Jill thinking I needed to run away - they wanted my name, and it didn't match my clothing! But Daphne had been so nice to me I decided I had to be involved. I thought quickly, and went up to Jill with an air of confidence and said, "Hi, Kim." I extended my hand. As we shook, I said, "I conveyed my CPR and First Aid certification to your partner. He says you are organizing the search?" She threw a withering glance in his direction and said, "Show me your gear." This, I was ready for. I pulled out my first aid kit, showed her the headlamp and two Fenix flashlights and emergency strobe. "The kit has two emergency blankets, whistle, fire starter, and so on. I also have dried fruit, nuts, jerky, and two liters of water. My waterproofs are in the bottom of the pack. I don't have any rescue equipment, but you can pair me up with someone who does." She shined the light at me. I'm not sure she could see my face, but she paused for a minute. I was quaking inside, but I stood firm. "Kim, is it?" She paused for a second, thinking, then shouted loudly, "Ted!" I nearly passed out. A young man with a beard ambled over. "Ted, Kim here is volunteering to help with the search. Any questions?" "What's your experience in this area?" "I've done the Hedgehog loop several times. Little Hedgehog and the ridge trail today and Big Hedgehog last weekend. I've got room in my pack to carry more gear if I need to, and this summer completed the King 22 in one day." This was a 22 mile loop trail over 5 peaks. It was meant to impress him. It worked. "Great! You can go with me. My truck is over there. Meet me there in 10." I took the time to go to my car and grab my extra two liters of water and the USB charger for my phone. I ate the PB&J I always brought with me, and pulled my rain gear to the top of the pack where it would be easy to reach if needed. I also grabbed a wool hat from the trunk and stuffed it into the pack. I put the purple fleece hoodie on, but decided against the fleece pants. I figured the bright yoga pants would be a good queue for people I encountered to think I was female, and then what they saw would be interpreted by their brain through that assumption. Finally ready, I put on my headlamp over the pink hat and got my Fenix E25 ready. I wandered over to the port-a-potty and relieved myself. One thing you should know is that Search and Rescue tedious and hard. You spread out and cover ground thoroughly, in case the person has fallen and is unconscious. Not much time to talk, and hard to maintain your concentration. And the terrain where people get lost is not usually like a town park or shopping mall. It can be dangerous in daytime, and we were setting out at dusk. I kept picturing her mauled by a bear or attacked by Coyotes, but those things almost never happen in the Eastern part of the country. Usually, someone just loses track of the blazes and is completely lost before they know what happened. I had almost done that myself. You come to one of those rock or log formations meant to channel rain water off the trail. Sometimes the rain can scour a path off the trail that looks more used than the real patch, and before you know it you are lost. I join Ted at his truck and he looks at me and says, "Any weapons?" "No. I've never seen anything in this area I would need one for." He grunts but appears satisfied, and we set off in his truck for another trailhead closer to the trail I saw Daphne take. I take the time to see if he knows what is going on. "She works for a local contractor. There's conflicting reports, but it seems she took some documents relating to the business and disappeared. Personally that doesn't interest me, but this area is my home, and no one gets lost in my home." We talk about some of the hikes in that region of the National Forest and in a few minutes we arrive at the trailhead. This lot is only a mile or so by trail from the other, but it is a better start to get over to the trail Daphne took. We hike mostly in silence. You have to hear if anyone is calling out so you can't spend all the time talking. You stop every so often and listen. This is what makes the work tedious. It is hard to stay alert and aware as the time drags on. We get to a section where the trail splits. I jump in eager to make sure Ted knows I'm experienced in this area. "This split is a little more than half a mile where it rejoins." "Yeah - the right path is much easier - this left trail goes through a pretty gnarly slide. I'm concerned if one of us finds her we may have to get together to rescue her. I'm inclined to stick together, but that means we lose time." "Why don't I take the easier path, since you have the rescue gear, of course?" He laughs and says, "Of course!" "And we meet at the join. There's a signpost there. We wait until the other shows up. If we find Daphne we use our emergency whistle every 5 minutes until the other person shows. The sound should cover the half mile to where the trail joins." "OK, a good plan. But no leaving the join site unless we hear the whistle. If you find her and I don't come, you will have to leave her and meet me at the join and we return together, OK?" "Deal!" We each set off. After about twenty minutes of walking, stopping, listening, I decide to stop for a couple minutes and drink some water. I snap off the light once I am settled, and admire the stars. I hear a branch snap. I strain to hear anything else. Was it just a branch falling off a tree? Was it an Owl disturbing one of the many 'widow maker' branches that break and lodge in another branch, waiting to fall on a hiker below? After a while, I have completely adjusted to the starlight and crescent moon. As I wait, I realize I can hear someone humming softly. It is a sad, lonely kind of hum, the kind where the sadness rips at your soul. I drop my pack on the trail and follow it, now able to see well enough that I don't have to use the light. The trail here is almost all granite ledges, so there's no gravel or dirt. I can walk along it and make very little sound. Once the humming stopped, and I froze for what seemed like an hour. I don't know what made me want to find out who this was before announcing myself - just some instinct told me to stay quiet. Finally the humming resumed, and I crept forward. It was Daphne. I could make out the hat and the ponytail in the starlight. It looked gray instead of green, but with that and the tome of her humming, I could tell it was her. "Beautiful, isn't it?" I ask. She jumped up, much quicker than I had thought possible, and with a surprisingly large knife in her hand. A wicked looking blade with a serrated edge. "The stars, aren't they beautiful?" I can't see her face in the light, but her body stance is all haunted, hunted, frightened. "There is a search party for you in this area. Several forest rangers and local guides are involved. They say you disappeared a few days ago and people are worried about you. She looks at me and I remember when first saw me, how she said she wouldn't hurt me, and how she waited for me to offer to use my breast forms. She was waiting for me to make the next move. "I'm not going to hurt you. I am here because when I heard you were missing, I knew I had to help find you. You are important to me." "Do you still trust me?" she said this in barely more than a whisper, and I knew my answer had to be right. "Completely." She starts to relax a little and puts the knife away in a sheath hidden in her jacket. "Are you alright? I need to know that first - are you hurt?" I could not fathom why she was still on the trail. "I'm fine for now, but that isn't likely to last." I pause trying to decide what to do next. I need to meet Ted and I need to understand why Daphne is out here alone, apparently running from someone. "I need to let you know I am with another searcher. We split up and covered more trail, but if I don't meet him he is going to wonder where I am." "Who is it - what does he look like?" Her words have an unmistakable urgency. "His name is Ted, probably late twenties, five-ten with a wiry beard. He seems to know the area and says he lives nearby. "OK, so it isn't him, but it could be one of his goons. We can't trust him." "OK, I am curious what is going on, but for now, what do you want me to do? I want to help you as much as I can, but I can see you are unhurt." "Well for now, please just pretend you didn't find me. Let me stay here and I promise I will meet up with you. Do you know where the Green Spring trailhead is?" "Yes." "Ok, I will meet you there. If you lead off this Ted person, I will trail behind and head off the trail and be there by dawn." I am clearly torn as to what to do. "Look - I will give you the two minute version. This guy, the owner of the contracting company, turns out to have less reputable friends. One of them was always grabbing my ass - and other things, trying to kiss me, and saying I should go to work for him - a real scumbag. He left behind his briefcase one time and I was really pissed, so I just took the briefcase and left. Once I looked in the case I realized I had some serious shit and this guy was not going to rest until I returned it. I dumped it and ran. But I assume they want it back and want to teach me a lesson or something." "Shit!" "Yeah - really! So I will tell you more when we meet up. I guess I need to let someone know where the case is. Maybe if they have it back they will leave me alone." I moved forward and embraced her and said, "I am going to stick with you until this is done. You've made me a better person, inside and out, and we will get through this." We hugged again, I gave her the flashlight, and I set off for the trail. I don't know how long Ted had waited, but he was clearly agitated. I told him I thought I heard something, and while I was listening I got cold and decided to put on my fleece pants. He muttered something that sounded like 'women!' under his breath, which actually made me feel pretty good! "Look, if you saw her, you need to tell me the truth." He pulls out a knife identical to the one Daphne had and continues "I can protect you, but only if we are working toward the same goal." "Wow, really? We are out here searching for a lost woman, and you are pulling some Rambo shit? If you are so convinced I am hiding something, let's go back and search my trail again." He looks at me for a minute, and shrugs and we move on, eventually coming to the trailhead, with more rangers milling about. I decide to part with Ted as quickly as possible. "Ted, I'm sorry to leave, but I've hiked about 15 miles now and want to catch some sleep before I become the person who has to be rescued." I made my excuses and caught a ride back to my car. It was after midnight when I get there. I drive about 10 miles to the parking lot closest to the Green Spring trail. I stretched out my sleeping pad and set my alarm for a half hour before sunrise, and tried to rest. As I slept, my dreams were all of me fully dressed and passing in all kinds of situations - formal dress to swimming. I woke about as well rested as could be expected after 5 hours and having hiked 15 miles. I gave a lot of thought to what I should wear. Should I change back into my male clothes, so no one recognizes me? Would that mean Daphne wouldn't recognize me? In the end, I stuck with my femme clothes, because I was already wearing them, because Daphne would know what to look for, but to be honest, mostly because when I dress, I don't want to change back. It is a warm morning, so I have shed the purple fleece and find myself in the yoga pants and a fresh bright pink yoga top with long sleeves with the little thumbholes. It only takes a few minutes to reach the trailhead. No one is there, and I am trying to decide if I should stay in the open where she can see me or hide and wait for her to come past, when I hear "Beautiful, aren't you." She had crept up right behind me. "God you've got to stop doing that to me. What are you, a ninja or something?" She hugs me and says "Let's just say I've had some training. I really appreciate you helping me out. Let's get going before they decide this is a good spot to search too. I covered almost 20 miles after we met last night to get here, so I doubt they would think to search here until at least tomorrow, but you never know with these people. We were heading out of the parking lot when it happened. A split second before impact I saw Ted's truck coming right at the driver's side door. The next split second was darkness. I never even heard the noise that all that braking glass and crunching metal must have made as his truck came at least halfway into the driver's side seat. I don't know how long I was out, but when I came to, all I knew was pain. My entire left side was in intense pain as well as my chest and groin area. I see Daphne holding my hand and crying as I open my eyes. "Oh God," is all I can mumble. "Shh," she says, and strokes my hair. "It's going to be alright. An ambulance is on the way." I want to say something. Where is Ted? How is she OK? But my muscles are no longer obeying my thoughts, and soon those fade as well. As I slowly came to, I first heard the sounds around me, and feel a soft bed underneath me. Am I in the hospital? I open my eyes and Daphne is there "Kim, you are awake! I've been so worried about you!" "How.." I croaked. She helped me drink. "What happened? Are you OK?" (Is that my voice? It is so high. Even higher than I managed to keep it while trying to pass.) "It is so sweet of you to ask about me first, but you should really ask how long you have been out?" She waits, until I give in. "OK, how long?" "Eight days." As that starts to sink in, I open my mouth and start to ask about Ted, but she starts first. "There's some things you need to know. The crash did a lot of damage. Apparently you turned towards the impact at the last second and it damaged your chest - they've reconstructed the rib cage with some of your bones and with some synthetic. It also destroyed your um, reproductive organs. While the skin could be sewn together, the tissue in your penis was shredded, and your testicles mostly destroyed. Miraculously, they were able to collect some semen and freeze it, so if you want to have children in the future it is possible." She let that sink in for a minute and then continued. "Repairs had to be made; no really, a complete reconstruction had to be performed. I guess you could say it was an extraordinary circumstance." "And know I have to tell you that I lied to you." She paused, and the look of pain in her face at this made my eyes tear up. I tried to move my arm and take her hand, but for some reason it wasn't responding. I tried harder, and it moved a little. She looked concerned and said, "What do you want?" I looked at her and said, "Your hand." I tried to turn my palm at least, and she started to cry softly, but she took my hand. Then she went on. "I was working for the contractor, but the truth is that I was undercover with the FBI. I was supposed to get the briefcase from the target, which I did, but when I turned it over to another agent, it turned out he was bad. He took the case and tried to kill me. I managed to get the knife off of him and escaped. I didn't know who I could trust, do I escaped into the mountains. I was actually trying to see if I could find someone to help me contact the bureau to come in, and that's when I spotted you. In the end though, I thought it too dangerous to ask you to do anything. It was also true that this guy was disgusting. He had an attitude that he could do whatever he wanted and no one was going to say boo because he was so important. He made my skin crawl, and I just wanted to take him down." She squeezed my hand and said, "I hope you can forgive me for that. If you can, we would like you to consider testifying against Ted. He was the bad agent that tried to kill me and you now too. If you agree to that and want protection, I have volunteered for that assignment. So if you want, we could spend quite a bit of time together." I squeezed back and said, "but how are you alive? He rammed us. He must have been in a lot better shape. How did he not finish us off?" My voice was quite high and between that and what she said earlier, a creeping suspicion was entering my consciousness. "He made a mistake. He didn't buckle his seatbelt. The airbag deployed and practically snapped his neck. He may never walk again, which would be fine with me." She started to talk about how they had recovered the briefcase and everything was going to work out, but I had decided to look down to where I assumed I would see my destroyed penis, if I wasn't covered by a blanket anyway, and realized my bandaged chest was blocking the view. My hands weren't working, so I couldn't feel my groin, but I realized I had no sensation of having a penis or scrotum, damaged or otherwise. "What are you saying?" She looked puzzled, and I blurted out, "How was I reconstructed?" "Let me put it this way Kim, you were neutral, and someone had to decide to reconstruct you" she paused, squeezed my hand again and said, "as male or female." "I'm saying you couldn't make that choice, and to save your skin, quite literally, that choice had to be made several days ago." "I'm saying I made that decision for you. So when we reconstructed your chest, we made it smaller. You were in great physical shape before, but we have enhanced your shape some with redistribution of fat from your abdomen to your hips and bust. You have an hourglass figure, and if you want to keep it you can take hormones that will keep the shape. Truthfully, you will have to take hormones whatever shape you want, just have to decide which ones. However, the decision had to be made as to what to do with the skin that could be salvaged from your groin. We could make a small penis that with the right implants could function, though you would likely never orgasm again, and without testicles could not ejaculate." She paused again, and looked at me with a little pity, but mostly with hope that what she was about to tell me was going to be OK. "But instead of that, you have a fully functioning vagina, and enough sensitive tissue was left so the chances you can have an orgasm as a woman are relatively good." "I know this was a very personal decision, but like you said - if you were neutral you would need someone else to make that decision. I hope you know I made it because I thought it was the right decision for you, Kim." "Look I volunteered to be with you because I do feel a little responsibility for you, but honestly you are one of the kindest, loyal, and trusting people I have ever met. If you do change when dressed and that is who you are as a woman, then I am going to want to spend a very long time with you, my Kim." She leaned down and softly kissed my lips. I squeezed her hand and said, "I bet it's beautiful, isn't it?"