A Dream comes True ch8
- 3 years ago
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Thinking With My Dick - Ch8 - Two Steps Forward, One Step Back free porn video
The next morning I woke up pissed off and in pain, but thankfully not
yet horny. I was angry at what I'd done to myself. Getting a belly-
ring and a tramp stamp, what was I thinking? I hadn't been, obviously,
but I was grateful that I could be pissed about it now. I knew by now
that it might be only a matter of days, if not hours, that I'd start
thinking it was sexy again, the same way it felt sexy and transgressive
to swallow the testosterone blockers and estrogen supplements every
morning. Sexy to know that I was making myself sexy. But not like a
man was sexy, not like I what I should be striving for, like a girl:
soft and slim and curvy.
I ate breakfast (and my morning pills) on autopilot, but staring at the
rest of the day in front of me, I had to do something to break out of
my self-destructive rut. I decided to go running. Exercise was a
pretty guy thing to do, wasn't it? At the very least I'd be able to
get out of my own head for a bit, and not think about my rapidly
changing body, with its new, permanent, adornments.
Heading back into my bedroom, I was instinctively reaching for my
normal set of short shorts and a form fitting top when I stopped
myself. No, not this time. The whole point was to take a break from
the girl gear. In fact, I needed a real change, I was going to get rid
of some of this crap. It would be out of sight, and, hopefully, out of
mind.
I rooted around in the closet, and under a pile of clothes (way too
many of which were in shades of pink) I found a pair of men's athletic
shorts, and a plain dry-fit t-shirt. That was more like it. I got
dressed, and even stripped out the studs from my ears. The clothes I'd
been been digging through went into a trash bag, I'd toss them as I
went out.
For the first time in a while, I'd taken an active step back towards my
real gender, I felt positively macho (apparently my bar for macho was
pretty low these days)...right up until a sudden movement bending down
to grab my running shoes send a twinge of pain through my new belly
piercing, and I shrunk back in on myself. No matter how positive a
step this was, it was still just one small step, and I'd dug myself a
very deep hole.
I quailed a bit at that thought, but pushed through. Gotta start
somewhere.
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Leaving the house, I started getting back into the groove of my old
life. A trash bag full of poor decisions went into the garbage shoot,
and I hopped in the car and drove out to one of my regular trails.
It's a nice local park, some playing fields and a small man-made lake
take up most of the space by the parking lot, but a trail leads off
back into the woods and loops back around the other side of the lake.
It's not big loop, a couple of miles tops. I usually bang out a quick
pair of laps and round up to call it 5 miles.
It feels good to run again looking like a guy. Well, I guess my legs
are still shaved, but no one really notices that, I just look like I'm
not that hairy. It feels good, but I start getting a little tired
earlier than I expect. I've been running shorter distances around my
neighborhood recently, not so much these longer runs. I tell myself
that's the reason, I've just been taking it too easy, and I've lost
some of my wind. A small nervous voice in my head remembers various
warnings I've been given about the hormone treatment I'm on, about
testosterone blockers leading to muscle loss, but I shove that aside
and keep going.
I'm maybe three quarters of the way through the lap before I have to
admit something is weird, and wrong. I've got an aching pain in my
chest, and I'm sure I won't manage the second lap I was planning. I
gut it out back to my car and clutch my chest. It aches, and I have no
idea why. When it started I thought it might just be fatigue, maybe I
was more out of shape than I thought, but it's not that, I can still
breathe fine. It's nothing like what I imagine a heart attack to be
either, it's not sharp, and my chest doesn't feel tight. It's just
achy and sore.
I get back into my car and drive home, dejected, my earlier happiness
at a good solid, and male, run replaced with anxiety, and for the first
time in a while not anxiety about girl stuff.
Once I'm home, I head for the bathroom, I still got a sweat up, even if
the run wasn't awesome, and I need a shower. I strip off and stare at
myself in the mirror, trying to ignore the ring in my navel, and try
figure out what the hell is wrong with me, other than the obvious.
Then it hits me, and my stomach sinks. What if it is the obvious
that's wrong with me? My chest is puffy, I've never had big pecs and I
haven't started now, and it's not flab either, if anything I'm skinnier
now than I've been in years. And yet, I've definitely got flesh there.
I've been telling myself that the push-up bras I've worn have were just
making faux cleavage out of the flesh that was there, that any guy in a
sufficiently tight push-up would have the same effect. Looking now, at
just my chest, ignoring that it's my chest, ignoring my face, or my
crotch, I can't help but think it looks like a young girl's, just
hitting puberty. Slightly larger nipples than I remember, and a
softness around them.
Gently I explore my chest, it's tender to my prodding, an echo of what
I felt on the run, and there, underneath the nipple, a firmness. My
mind recoiled from the concept, a breast bud? Is that really what I'm
feeling? A thought occurs to me, and, tentatively, I jump in front of
the mirror. Immediately I regret it. The same pain as on the run hits
me, right where I see my chest (my breasts?) bounce with the movement.
I slam my hands against them, holding them down, holding them still,
squeezing down against the ache.
This can't be happening. I can't have breasts, I'm a guy. "But for
how long with these pills?" a small voice whispers. Maybe it's
nothing. I haven't had any kind of pain like this before, and it took
a couple miles to trigger it today. I really haven't been exercising
that hard lately, I could be that out of shape. It could be nothing.
I got into the shower and tried very hard to pretend that everything
was normal. It almost worked.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
My boy phase lasted longer than I expected. I didn't backslide. No
girly clothes. My ear studs stayed out, for most of the time. My
tattoo stopped hurting, and while I had to keep it it, my navel
piercing healed nicely. I was still taking my pills though, that was
the wall I couldn't seem to break through.
I kept running. If it was my being out of practice, then practice is
what I needed. And practice helped. I got some of my wind back, and
while it wasn't overnight success, I felt a little stronger, and little
closer to normal each time I went out. Unfortunately, my chest pain
stayed.
A week and a half later, I finally admitted it. I had tits, tiny
teenage girl tits, but tits nonetheless. They weren't large enough
that they needed support normally, I'd never have noticed if I hadn't
been running and bouncing them around for miles. Probably wouldn't
have noticed if I hadn't made the sudden transition from wearing a
sports bra 'for fun' to nothing so suddenly either. But I did, it
wasn't 'for fun' anymore, a sports bra was going to be a requirement
for exercise going forward.
'It isn't permanent,' I told myself. I'd fucked up and gone too far,
yes, and I'd have to wear one for now, but I'd stop the pills and
things would go back to normal. But I don't know how much I believed
that. Trans women don't do these kinds of treatments to be a girl
temporarily, they do it to change their gender for good. If I'm on the
same drugs, why would I be any different?
Because I have to be, because otherwise I'm really fucked.
So I'd need to start wearing a sports bra to run, I could do this, it's
only for sports, and I only run alone. No need for this to get any
worse. No need unless I kept taking the fucking pills. No need unless
I grew them bigger, and made bras a mandatory part of every outfit. I
shuddered. This had to end now, before that happened.
The next day I swallowed my pills without thinking right before
breakfast, and kicked myself for it all the way to work.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't have to change anything up for work yet. My lack of interest
in eating much lately had caused me to drop some weight, so gaining a
little back in my chest didn't look too weird yet, so I didn't think I
needed to hide my chest. Thank god my nipples hadn't really changed.
As long as no one felt up my chest, no one would realize that it was
far too soft to be pectoral muscle.
Getting back to normal was a priority, and the first step to being
normal was behaving like me, the me before the drunken night the
started this, so I made a forced effort to socialize like I wasn't in
the process of ruining my life. I made small talk with some of the
other librarians like Pete and Meghan, and made a point of getting
across campus to grab Nicole for lunch. It was almost normal, despite
my being terrified of being found out, I was apparently doing a good
job of blending in.
That afternoon, despite guilt over the pill I'd swallowed, I was almost
feeling back to normal. I was closing in on two weeks without
dressing. It was then that Walt, my boss, threw everything off kilter
with an offhand question.
"You're out at the end of next week, right? Is it just Thursday and
Friday?"
"Whuh?" I said, looking up from my computer, a model of articulate
conversation. Walt was looking up from the notebook he carried
everywhere, pen poised. For a moment I had absolutely no idea what he
was talking about.
"For the conference, it's just the two days right?"
Then the lightbulb went off. I was scheduled to be at a professional
conference next week. A short junket of talks and panels for
librarians and researchers that was being held out in Arizona. I'd
signed up months ago, long before all this business with the pills and
the clothes had started, because it seemed like a good professional
opportunity and it was a couple days in hot weather. My department had
even sponsored me for it. I'd utterly forgotten it until this moment.
"Umm....yeah, yeah. Thursday and Friday. Well, there's stuff on
Saturday too." Not much, but I'd intended to use it as an excuse for a
short mini-vacation and come back on Sunday. "But I'm only out of the
office Thursday and Friday."
"Cool." Walt made a note, closing out what was obviously an item on his
to-do list. "Make sure to bring back any materials you pick up, it's
always good to share that stuff around." With that he obviously put me
out of his mind and moved on to other tasks, but my mental gears were
spinning.
This shouldn't be an issue; being normal there shouldn't be any
different from being normal here. The speed my mind had jumped to
other unhealthy thoughts suggested otherwise however. I'd be away,
where no one knew me, with a hotel room to myself for three whole
nights, what could I get up to with all that time?
Dammit, idiot! You already live alone, and you've pierced your ears
and navel, gotten a tattoo, and, oh yeah, started growing boobs, how
could being away from home give you more freedom? But it didn't matter,
I could feel the temptation seething away inside me. I was going to
have to white knuckle through this trip, this escape from normality, to
avoid losing my precious little progress back to normal life.
A week later, at four in the morning, I stared at my open suitcase and
its contents. The cab to the airport would be here any minute. I
probably didn't have time to repack now even if I wanted to. It wasn't
a complete disaster. There were enough business casual wear to get
through the conference, and some casual wear to hang out in on the last
day. But, under the first layer of clothes was also a skirt, a top,
several panties, a bra, two pairs of stockings, some black ballet
flats, and a makeup kit. Worse, my pills were packed into my
toiletries. I'd failed every single day to get rid of them, or even
miss a day. This would have been a golden opportunity to go cold
turkey. But I couldn't bring myself to, I even had a shameful semi-
chub just standing here, knowing that I was watching this opportunity
to cleanse myself pass by.
I jumped as my cell rang in my pocket. I pulled it out and thumbed the
button to pick up.
"Hey, cab for Jamie Black. I'm outside your building." Shit, time's
up.
"Yeah, I'll be right out."
I zipped up my suitcase, and swung it off the bed and towards the door.
This isn't the end, I can still hold out when I get there, just go to
the conference and come home, nothing weird. I said that sort of thing
to myself all the time these days. I'm not sure I even sort of
believed it anymore.
Emely
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