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New Candy Striper By Janet L. Stickney [email protected] The reason is obscure, the guilt very real, the urge undeniable. I had no way to stop myself from getting dressed up in mothers clothes once that urge hit me. Unstoppable, like a freight train, it compelled me to do it, but with each encounter I had with those clothes, I just had to go a bit further. First it was just a dress. Then it was a bra. Panties followed that, and now, well, I'm using makeup now. Every time I dressed up I was scared out of my mind that someone would find out, and I don't think anybody did find out, not until I was 13, which is when my mother caught me because I got careless, or stupid, or became overly confident. That didn't matter. What mattered was that I was fully dressed, standing there like a deer caught in the headlights as she just stared at me. No yelling, no slapping, no laughing. She just stood there for what seemed like endless hours, then... "I always knew that you were playing in my clothes, but I thought that you would have outgrown it by now! I guess I was wrong about that, wasn't I?" Shaking like a leaf, I kept my mouth shut for fear of saying the wrong thing. "I want," mom stressed, "you to stay out of my things! I'm tired of you ruining my clothes, and I've even warned you about this before; but that seems to have fallen on deaf ears, hasn't it? So, I guess that if you're going to keep doing this, then maybe I should just buy you a couple of outfits of your own! Then I won't have any torn clothes, will I?" "Mmmyyy own clothes?" "Yes, of course! And why not? It's clearly obvious to me that you probably won't, or maybe can't, stop dressing up like a girl, and you've certainly ignored my all of warnings, so I think that maybe it's time for me to do something about it, don't you? You know, I think that's exactly what I'll do! I'll just get you a few outfits of your own! That way the clothes will fit better, and..." she said with what I thought was a bit of glint in her eye, "then you'll stay out of my clothes!" After another very scary pause.... "In fact, I not only want to see you in those new outfits, I think maybe I'll help you get dressed! How about that?" "No... Ma! It's not like that! I'm just, I was only.... goofing off! That's all!" "I might have thought that, and maybe I would have even believed it a few years back, but your old enough now to know that boys that like to dress up like girls are... not exactly the norm shall we say? And since you're 13 and still doing it, what else can I think? I mean, how many other boys do you personally know, that like to dress up like a girl? All I can do is assume that this is a lot more than you're telling me, so I think that maybe it's time for you to see exactly how you'll look when you're all dolled up... and I mean correctly, dolled up, right down to your panties and a bra!" "Ma... No!" "Oh YES! Now get out of my clothes, and go take a shower. I'll be back in an hour or so, and I want to find you here, all clean... hair and every thing, squeaky clean! Understand?" So. There I was, with no options, no hope, and no way to stop her; except run away, and that was out of the question. Where would I go? I heard the front door close, and slowly began to undress myself. There is no way I can explain the fear that gripped me, but trust me, it was very intense. I knew what she said, but I also knew that she could be sneaky when she was angry, so my only hope was that she wouldn't get mean about it. Since I had no choice at all, by the time I stepped out of the shower I was, just as she demanded, squeaky clean. My immediate future seemed very bleak as I envisioned my mother helping me get dressed as a girl, and I sincerely hoped that she didn't decide on that little girl look. You know, short puffy dresses trimmed in gobs of lace and a silly hat. If I had to do it, at the very least, I wanted to look like all the girls I knew. Not in some baby outfit! I had managed to work myself into a real state by the time mom got home. Nervous and very tense, on the verge of tears, I waited my fate. "I picked up some really cute little outfits honey," she said, "but first let's get you into some proper underwear." The panties were a pale blue with lace trim, and were really tight! Then there was that padded panty brief. It made my butt and hips a bit bigger, a lot bigger. The bra was plain white, with two small cups, and fastened in the front. After I had it on, mom shoved some small gel inserts into the bra cups and adjusted the straps. After that came a very short half slip, then the dress. It was a soft blue color, short sleeved, and also, really short! Mom zipped it up, and as I looked in the mirror, I could see just how short it really was; the hemline was almost two inches, maybe even more, above my knees! My breasts, thankfully, stuck out just right I thought, for someone my size, and I could see mom smiling in the mirror. "Now lets do something about that hair, then we'll do some makeup! Come with me." Given no choice in the matter, I meekly followed her into her bedroom, then sat at her vanity. She brushed out my hair, then put in a few rollers before she brushed my bangs down over my eyes, took scissors, and cut them back. With her curling iron, she went about her task without saying a word. Leaving the rollers in, and my hair curly in several places, she began to apply some foundation. I could see that it was a new bottle. After that came some powder, then a soft brush as she wiped away the excess. Light blue eye shadow, dark eyeliner, and some blusher were all added before she went back to my hair. When she was done and I could see the results, well, I almost started to cry! There in the mirror was the girl I always knew was hiding inside of me! Mom handed me the lipstick, and I cautiously added some to my lips, unable to not smile at my reflection. Mom handed me a pair of shoes. They were white with a low heel. I stepped into them and stood up. "Now then, let's go in the front room so you can see yourself in the big mirror!" The girl standing there staring back at me was the most gorgeous girl in the world! I both hated her, and loved her at the same time; I turned each way, my hands on my hips, as I lost myself in the vision I saw standing there. Mom didn't say a thing as I was totally lost in my revelry, finally being able to look... normal. I don't know how long I stood there, but... "I'll bet that this is the girl you were trying to find, and to be frank, you're quite pretty! I guess I didn't expect that, but I'll bet that if you were careful, nobody would ever know!" "Maaaa! Nooo! I can't go outside!" "None of that; I could see it all over your face honey; you love it, right? The way you stood there looking at yourself, that grin of yours, and your hands on your hips, or holding out the dress? That says a lot, and tells me more, and I'll just bet that you have a name you call yourself when you're all dressed up, so I want you to tell me. What is it?" "Ummmm... noooo." "Yes, you do; I can always tell when you're lying, now tell me!" "You'll laugh." "No dear, I won't laugh, tell me." "Tanya." "Oh! That's a lovely name! Tanya. Tanya.... what?" "Michelle" I said. "Tanya Michelle. The same initials! That's very nice honey!" Unwilling to let the vision go, and without the slightest bit of thought, I suddenly blurted it out... "Can I... stay this way for a while...please?" "Stay this way? Of course! We're going out to dinner tonight, and we GIRLS are going!" "Out? Of the house? Like this?" "Well, I'll clean up, and change into a dress of course, but you look just darling and you know it, and I'll bet that you have dreamed of getting all dolled up and going out for a long time, and guess what? Now is the time! In about... an hour. I need to clean up." I froze up. Plain and simple, I was scared to death at the very thought of leaving the house dressed that way! And it didn't matter if she was right, and I really did want to go. I was totally scared, even though I looked better than I expected, or had any right to look. There was no way to know what the guys would say if they saw me dressed like a girl, but I could guess, and I didn't want to think about what would happen if they did. In any case, my mother can be very forceful when she wants to be, and I just knew that she was about to make me go with her, no matter what I wanted. In my fear of discovery, I set aside my longing to go out and be a normal girl, and pleaded with her, begged her not to make me do it, but all she did was tell me not to cry! "Stop that! I'm not listening to any of that! You know perfectly well that I won't let anything happen to you, and we both know that this is exactly what you want! And didn't you just ask me if you could stay this way? No. We're going out to dinner, and that's the end of it!" About all I could do was stand there and stare into that mirror. The girl I had become was looking back at me. She had hair just above her shoulders, wavy, courtesy of the rollers and curling iron. Big brown eyes that seemed brighter after the eye makeup was added, red lips that moved when she smiled, a smallish bustline, but a great figure, and best of all, great legs. The dress exposed my legs well above my knees, making me feel more than a bit undressed, yet I could not help but smile at the fact that I looked better than I ever had managed on my own. Still, I was about to leave the safety of the house, and who knew what could happen? Forget the guys, what if I got hit by a bus?! They would have a party at the hospital when they found out! Mom looked absolutely great when she walked out of her room. She wore a snug red jersey dress that was just as short as mine, also with heels. Her makeup was perfect, and her hair looked good as well. She handed me a small purse that had a long strap, and pointed to the door. The moment of truth had arrived. I took that first step outside, fully expecting to have the entire neighborhood standing there, laughing at me, but... nothing happened. We got in the car, and mom drove us to her favorite restaurant, right downtown. We had been there many times, so they knew us; all I could hope for was that they would not recognize me. I was praying hard when we walked in. "Ah! Mrs. Stickney! How nice to see you again!" "Hello Gregory. This is my guest, Tanya." "Miss Tanya! How nice you could be here tonight! Let me show you to your table." And that was it! If he recognized me he was gracious enough not to mention it, and all through dinner nobody gave me a first look let alone a second, and that surprised me more than a little, because I knew the truth, and I assumed that everyone else did too. But, it was an uneventful dinner, which gave me the merest wisp of hope that I might just get through it without being found out. Every nerve ending was on fire the whole time. Just before we left.... "You see! I was right! Nobody knows, and they obviously don't have any idea!" "Yeah, but Gregory...." "Doesn't know either! Now then, when we walk out, bend your right arm at the elbow and let your hand go limp. Put the strap to your purse on your left shoulder and put your left hand on it lightly; and take smaller steps! Just follow me and do what I do and you'll be fine." I did everything she told me to, almost to perfection I think, and made it out of there in one piece. On the way home, I just sat there quietly, reviewing every single moment I was out of the house. No matter how hard I tried, I could not find even one moment when I was ever in danger of discovery, which meant that mom had been right. I really could go out of the house, dressed as a girl, and get away with it! But that was only if I could find the will power to even try it, and the very thought of leaving the house alone, without mom to protect me, was just out of the question! Once we were inside the house, mom took me by the shoulders, and looked me right in the face. "I know that you were scared to death tonight honey, but I also know that you found out that you truly can look enough like a girl to get away with it, right?" I did not say a word. "And, I know that you loved every minute of it; it was written all over your face, which, after seeing how you reacted when you looked in the hall mirror, doesn't surprise me very much. I can't understand why you feel this way, there isn't any benefit to being a girl you know. It's different, and sometimes, or maybe even usually, less beneficial! It's not all bright and rosy for girls you know, but I bought you those outfits because I was positive that I couldn't get you to go outside under any conditions! But instead, after you saw how you looked, you walked out of here without very much prodding, and I didn't have to force you, did I? That alone tells me that this is something you have always wanted to do!" I started to say something, but she stopped me. "Since it's as plain as day, at least to me, especially after playing in my clothes so many times, and for so long, that you like dressing up this way, and after tonight, you might even want to go out some more, so I've decided that we'll try it." "What?" I asked stupidly. "Go out more often silly!" "More often... what does that mean?" "It means that I want to see for myself if you're as determined, or maybe driven is the right word, as I think you are about this, and that means that you and I are going out and about, as a mother and her daughter! I was thinking that we could do some shopping, eat out, maybe we'll go to the fair in a few weeks, things like that!" "Ahhh mom!" "I'll make sure that you are properly dressed, but you have to promise me that you'll do your best to be the girl you'll seem to be! You are about to get a crash course in what it's like to be a girl, then we'll see just how eager you are after that; how much you like dressing up, and we'll also find out just how good you are at it!" She paused a bit, then added... "You can say no, but if you do, then I want you to stop dressing up. You can't have it both ways honey." The tone in her voice was familiar to me. She gave me the chance to quit, not risking myself by leaving the house dressed up like a girl, but I just couldn't do that. I had always wanted to be a girl, and now that I had seen how I looked in clothes that actually fit, with good makeup and my hair fixed up, there was no way I was going to say no, so I said nothing. But, I was instantly torn between two opposing forces. An absolute desire to be a girl, and the unshakable fear of discovery, then, on top of that, the guilt I felt because I liked it so much! Her demands were tearing at me, yet still, a big part of me was leaping for joy. I did not change clothes until I went to bed, and after carefully washing my face. As I lay there I could only wonder what she had in mind. Shopping could mean anything. Groceries, clothes, cars, anything, but going to the fair would be the worst because so many of my friends from school would be there, making that the most dangerous place I could go, especially when I was dressed as a girl! I know that I tossed and turned until I finally fell asleep, dreams of total acceptance dashed by visions of being totally trashed by my friends. You could say that I was very tense when I got up the next morning. "I want," mom said when I appeared in the kitchen, "you to get yourself dressed. Wear the skirt and blouse today with your tennies. We'll be doing a lot of walking. I'll come in and help you with your hair and makeup when you're ready. You and I are going to find out just how much you want to do this, and just how much of a girl you really are!" When mom walked into my room I was wearing everything I had on the day before, clean panties, the padded panty brief, pantyhose, the bra, including the inserts, but the skirt and blouse, and my own shoes. She went to work on me right away, and once again she magically made me look like a girl. I was not quite as shocked by the way I looked, but I was shocked at how little effort it took. Once again I waited while she got ready, then took the purse she gave me, and out we went. Mom did not tell me where we were going, but I knew, because of the route she took. The mall. We were on our way to the mall! On a Saturday! It was almost worse than the fair! Nothing was said on the way, until... "Since I think it's virtually a foregone conclusion that we'll be doing lots of things together this summer, I want to get you some shorts, a few more skirts, with blouses to match as well as another package of panties, another bra, and maybe even some jeans, and possibly a swimsuit. We'll see. Just do what I tell you and you'll be fine, okay?" "This can get bad mom. Everyone will be there!" "No dear, it won't be bad, unless you make it that way yourself. You look just darling and you know it, so just use your arms like I showed you, and walk in stride with me. You'll be fine!" She left me standing there in the parking lot, until I finally gave in, and caught up with her. Every nerve ending was on fire as we walked into the mall, the only saving grace was that it was early in the morning. Later on in the day it would get very crowded. Mom acted as if she were on a mission, directing me into the lingerie section of a large department store, then having me pick out the panties that I liked. After that she added a petticoat, a slip, and another padded panty brief. From there it was on to the dresses. I saw some that I liked, and rather than get stuck with something I hated, such as the dresses I had heard the girls at school call "mom dresses," I began to chose for myself the ones that I liked. Mom said no to a few, but I mostly got my way. She bought two of them. Then several blouses, some more skirts, two more pairs of shoes, all before I started groaning under the weight of it all. After taking everything to the car, we went back to get jeans, some shorts, and a few tops. I could not figure out why I needed so many clothes if she was only letting me get dressed up once in a while, but I had the feeling that she had a lot more in store for me than she had let on. That was the only reasonable answer, but I wanted the clothes. I wanted to be able to wear a variety of things, which meant that I should just keep my mouth shut and take whatever she had in mind for me, or mention it and risk losing the chance to dress up.... at the very least, that was heavy on my mind. As we walked back into the mall... "I've noticed," mom said brightly, "that most of the girls your age seem to be...bigger? On top? I was wondering if maybe you should be just a bit bigger too, so lets stop at that specialty lingerie shop and see what they can do for us." "Bigger? On top?" As soon as I said that, I felt like a dummy first class, because she meant boobs. Bigger boobs. I waved away her answer, and she just smiled. As soon as the idea of bigger breasts hit me, I had one of those seminal moments. A flash of insight into my future. There was no way, absolutely none, that she was buying all those clothes, and bigger boobs for me, unless she had a plan for me, one in which I would be a girl, and NOT for just a weekend! While nobody had figured out that I was a boy, the risk was always there, so, by becoming a girl more often, or for a longer period of time, the risk would get bigger, and possibly more dangerous. I wanted to ask, but just could not bring myself to do it, not there anyway. The shop she mentioned was located towards the back of the mall, a very small place that one could easily miss. As we walked in I was assaulted by the scent of lilac mixed with latex. I just stood there, a bit scared, and also, a bit eager. "How may I help you?" the lady asked. "Yes," mom said softly, "my son wants to be my daughter, but of course, she is flat chested, and doesn't have enough roundness below the waist, and I think it's time that we helped her a bit. Right now she is using gel inserts and a padded panty brief." "I see! Well, yes, we can help her, but how far we go depends on just how much realism you want. The more you get, the more it costs." "Summer break is just a few weeks away, and I just know that she would enjoy spending most of her summer as a girl?" I was trying to sink into the floor as my own mother calmly explained who, and worse, that I was really a boy, but the lady didn't even flinch when she found out! She showed us several of the special panties, carefully explaining the options for each one. The breast forms looked very lifelike, at least to me, and I suddenly wondered how they would feel in a bra. No matter how much I wanted to be a girl, having to stand there and listen to a clinical discussion about making me look like a girl, was very unnerving. Mom said something I missed, then... "She can of course wear the panty starting right now, although it would certainly be better if she came back after school lets out so I can attach the breast forms. If you opt to allow the panty right now, she will have no choice but to use the facilities like a girl would, but that should not be a problem, given the short time she has left in the school year; she can come back and we can add the breasts later." Mom took me by the arm, and we went off into a secluded corner. "If we do this, if I buy this... panty she has shown us, the good one, and those breast forms, and you agree to wear them, then you do understand that you will virtually become a girl? You do know that, right?" I nodded my head yes. "I bought those clothes for you so you could play dress up without getting into my clothes, but this... this.... this panty... will make you not only look like a girl, but she told me that you'll also function like one! I had planned on getting you some better breast forms later on, but with this panty, and those breast forms together, well, it'll let you experience what it's like to be a real girl, full time, every day, at least until school starts in the fall! But I won't do this unless you tell me that's what you really want, so what's it going to be?" "A girl? Full time? All summer?" "Apparently that's what it means, so yes. But that also means that you would have to do everything a normal girl your age would do; can you do that, or do you even want to try that?" There it was, all laid out for me to grab. Ecstasy, or failure, all in one ball. My emotions were all snarled up as I debated with myself for a bit; the good thing was that I would probably be able to deny that I was a boy, and prove it; the downside was that I would be unable to do things a boy would do. I guess my desires overcame my doubts, and I uttered one word, "Yes." "Okay," mom said, "as long as you completely understand what she said. She said that you would function like a girl, you know what that means don't you?" "Yeah, I guess, I would have to use the can like a girl does." "Well that of course, but there is more to it than that, but I think that in the interest of your safety, and since you say that you want to do this, I guess we'll do as she suggested, and get the best she has then!" That's why, a bit over an hour later, when I walked out of the shop, there no sign that I was a boy below the waist, and in my bra sat those new breast forms, still unattached. It was an eerie to have no feeling between my legs, the total absence of any male parts feeling very strange. Mom did not stare at me or anything like that, but as she and I stopped for a soft drink, she told me to try putting my knees together, and when I did, there was none of the usual tightness, and no sudden pain! "That's how proper young ladies sit honey, and now that there are no... impediments, I want you to start doing that, okay?" The next three weeks of school were filled with unending tension, especially when I used the boys room. I worried about my panties showing, or falling down the stairs and going to the nurse; and the guys, if they ever found out, well, I would be meat on their hook forever. But I managed to avoid all that, and on the last day of school I raced home so I could change. By the time mom got home I was dressed, complete with makeup. I was wearing a short skirt and the pink tee that had the word "Princess" on the front. I was eager to become the total girl I wanted to be, rather than the half a girl I actually was. Mom knew right away that I wanted to go back to the shop, so after she changed, we went back to the mall. The lady must have recognized us, because she quickly took me into the back room, and within a short time, attached the breast forms to my chest. The weight of them tugging at my chest surprised me a bit, but when I had my bra on and I saw the modest cleavage they created, I could only smile. I was a full A cup, not the AA I was before, using the gel forms. Once I was dressed and mom paid the bill, we started for home, but on the way... "You do know that you will have some different duties now, as well as new friends?" "Huh?" "Well, I doubt that you're going to tell your friends about this, right? And you're not going to stay in the house all summer, I won't allow that, so that means new friends! Most likely they'll be other girls your age! I was thinking that you might like to do some volunteer work at the hospital? As a candy striper?" "Me? But I'm not a..." "Yes honey, you are a girl. Your name is Tanya, remember? And if I asked you to undress, you would look like a girl, right? So tell me. Why shouldn't you do something like that?" I could not give her any kind of answer that was going to make sense, so I merely shut my mouth. Even though I was still a bit worried about going out alone, I didn't want to stay in the house all summer either, and like mom said, she wouldn't allow that anyway; so, while working at the hospital wasn't even on my radar, it did make some sense. I would be in safe hands while she was at work. That night mom made me practice doing my own hair, which had gotten a bit longer, and doing my own makeup, but in a manner she said was appropriate. The next day she took me to the hospital. I filled out the forms, using the names I had picked, and was inducted into the ranks of the other girls doing volunteer work. I was given the list of rules, and three dresses, then told to change. As I walked into the ladies locker room, I saw that I wasn't alone. There was an older nurse changing as well. I quickly undressed and put on the dress, put my hair into a ponytail as instructed, and walked back out to the nurses station. I was introduced to another girl my age, her name was Sarah. "Hi! I'll show you around, then we can work together until you get the hang of it, okay?" "Sure!" Sarah was the only girl in a family of four brothers and her, and she seemed desperate to meet a girl her age she could, or might, do things with. She and I visited, and sat with many patients that simply wanted to talk, some elderly, and for the most part, they treated us like granddaughters. The men all smiled, but the women were just delighted that Sarah and I stopped in to see them. Since I have no grand parents, it was a treat for me to be around them, and I found that I really enjoyed it. Sarah was just a few months older than me, and we hit it off right away, although she lost me a few times when she started talking about boys, her idols, and things like that. Boys, never having been of interest to me, left me with little to add, but I listened well. Because I had been dressing up for almost a month before I started at the hospital, I must have learned enough about mannerisms that nobody said anything to me, including Sarah. At the end of our shift we changed clothes, and went out front for our rides. "My brother can drop you off if you want, that way you won't have to wait for your mom." "Great! I'll call and let her know." Her brother took me home, and I started dinner. My day, contrary to my expectations, was actually fun, especially talking to the older women and Sarah seemed to be eager to have me as her friend, and for me, I felt that by having at least one girlfriend, I would fit in just a bit better. I never felt better about what I was doing than right then. I had become the girl I should have been all along, and I loved every moment of it. The bra was a constant reminder, as was the fact that I had to sit to use the bath, and I reveled in the fact that I looked just like Sarah. She had seen me in my panties and bra, and didn't know the difference. Mom arrived right on time, and I treated her to my favorite, meatloaf with green beans and a potato. She and I talked about our day, and I told her how the older people treated me, and how I felt. She knew that I had missed out on having grandparents, and was very happy for me. Just after dinner, the phone rang. I answered it, listening as Sarah started talking, quite fast. "My mom is letting me have a small party! Can you come? Please!!!!" I asked, and mom said I could go. The next day Sarah gave me all the details. Her dad was going to barbecue, there would be about 20 kids there, and it was more like a picnic rather than a birthday party, even though her mom was demanding that the girls wear dresses or skirts and blouses. "She says it'll make everyone more polite or something. The guys can't wear jeans either, so I guess it'll be okay, but still...." "Yeah," I said," I see her point, but I'm with you! Shorts would be so much cooler!" "That's what I told my mom, but she's so very old school!" "Girls!" the head nurse said to us... "Time to change! Here is a list of patients I want you to visit today. Tanya, you're on your own today!" I have to say that the crisp white dress, with the flaring skirt made me feel a lot like a nurse, except for the red and white apron. I started visiting the people on my list, starting with Bud. He was going to die, soon, the nurse told me. He had a cancer that had taken over his body. Bud was very old, thin like a reed, but smiling when I simply sat there and held his aged hands. My next patient was Gladys. I already knew from a previous visit that she was all alone. Her son had been killed in Vietnam, her husband gone the previous year. She was about 85, maybe more, but she still had every bit of her faculties, only her body was failing her. I liked her a lot. "Tanya," she said with a smile when I walked in. "What a sweet girl, and so pretty too!" "No sweets Gladys, you know what the doctor said!" I bent over and hugged her, then helped her sit up in her chair. I simply sat there and talked with her, listening as she recounted her old boyfriends, her son, and husband, and how much she missed them. There were tears in her eyes as she told me those things. It was sad to know that she had nobody left to care about her, except me of course. For me, I was totally shocked to find out that I liked my job; the dress had nothing to do with that, it was something more than that. I actually liked talking to the people, being their extra hand or willing ear, and Gladys was special. She was the grandmother I never had. "I'm going to die Tanya, soon I think." "But you're doing so well!" "Hush up and listen to me girl! I have nobody left; no family at all! I lead a great life, with a wonderful man that loved me beyond words for well over 60 years. The time is coming when we'll be together again, but for now, I have a few things left to do. I know that you think of me in a special way, it's all over your face every time you visit with me, and I want you to know that I have come to think of you as the granddaughter I never had." She took me by the hands, her frail grip saying more than words. "Tanya, when you find the right man, love him and no other. Treat him with respect and he will return it. Give him the best you have, and he will do the same for you. Love your children for as long as you have them, and they will cherish you for it." Changing her tone of voice... "Tanya, I have changed my will. I have named you as my sole heir. I have nobody but you in my heart now. Get an education, do not waste the gift." "But they told me that I can't accept gifts!" "What they told you, and what my lawyer tells me, are different Tanya. I've already made the arrangements honey. I'm going home in two days to die. Please come see me if you can?" "I will Gladys, I promise!" I did not tell anyone but mom about what Gladys had told me, but mom quickly checked with our lawyer, and was assured that Gladys could indeed leave everything to me, regardless of what the hospital rule was, because I too young, and could not influence anyone to do that. Mom and I visited with Gladys that Friday night. She looked a bit more gray, but was lively, and was very glad to see us. "You don't have a fella yet do you?" "She's too young for that just yet Gladys." "I agree, but the boys will be after her like bees to honey, especially as pretty as she is! Just pick a good one Tanya!" "I.... I will." We were there almost three hours, and I was surprised at just how big her house was. When she told me that her husband built cars, I figured he worked on the assembly line or something like that. He was the Senior Vice President for one of the largest companies in the world! The house was quite large, furnished with lots of art and very nice things. As Gladys showed us around.... "This is quite a gift you're giving Tanya. I'm not sure that she...." "Janet, you must know that if I just leave it, the vultures will be all over the estate! No. This is better. Tanya will have more than enough money to get a first class education and maybe help those that need help, like me! She isn't going to get everything, but enough. The rest is going to my college. Now, enough of that! Lets have something to drink!" Gladys died a few days after that, but we did not find out until her attorney called. Sarah sensed that something was up, but I was sworn to secrecy and she did not push it. On the day of her party I decided to wear a dress. I liked the red one because the skirt part flared out, it was short while the bodice was tight. It had a scoop neck with two shoulder straps that were wide. Low white heels, my hair brushed out and pulled back over my ears to expose my earrings. Red lipstick and just a hint of perfume. Mom dropped me off, still very nervous about meeting other kids my age, I walked in, and Sarah ran out to meet me. "OHMYGOD! You're so gorgeous!" Grabbing my hand... "Let's go in and I'll introduce you around!" I met her parents of course, then her brothers. One thing she didn't tell me, the she had a twin! His name was Greg. Taller than Sarah, the likeness was very definite. He seemed to have a laid back easy manner, with a nice smile to guide his way. I did not know any of the other kids, except one. I knew him from school. Instantly alert, I waited for the big Haha!, but he didn't recognize me and I quickly settled down. Sarah and I got separated, and while I was getting a soda.... "Tanya?" I turned. It was Greg. "Hi." "Hi." "You and Sarah work together I hear." "Yeah. We read, or talk, or just comfort the patients. I like it actually." "Yeah. That's good work. Me? I mow lawns." "That's hard work! It must get hot doing that." "A little, but that's cool, I can handle it." I smiled,.... "Let's sit over there. It's in the shade?" "Sure, why not?" Greg was being very attentive, and while it was different having anyone, let alone a boy be that way towards me, I found that I liked that too. It made me feel good, because it meant that he had accepted that I was a girl! A boy like me, having another boy attracted to me? Why didn't I find that so outlandish? And why did it make me feel so... gooey? True, he was tall, handsome, very polite, and sitting there talking to me, but why did I feel that way? I'm really a boy, and boys don't like boys... do they? "Want to dance?" "I... um... I can't dance!" "Then we'll just stand there and sway back and forth!" The top of my head came to just about his ear, so my head naturally rested on his shoulder. He and I managed not to maim each other trying to dance, then a bit later, just as Greg and I sat down together, Sarah walked over. "So! There you are! Is Greg treating you okay? You know how guys are!" "Easy sis! Tanya and I are just fine!" "Be careful Tanya, he's like all guys, in his mind he's undressing you!" "But," I said softly, and with a grin, "what if I don't mind? It's only in his mind, and how big can that be?" "Hey there!" Sarah and I grinned at him, then she and I left together. The smirk on her face said it all. I had told her that I wasn't interested in boys, yet there I was, all goo goo eyed at her brother! "Greg must really like you Tanya, I've never seen him ask anyone to dance, ever!" "Really? I wasn't doing anything! He just asked, that's all!" "He's going to call you, I'll bet on that!" "No! It was just a..." "He likes you dummy! Just go with it! He's really a good guy, but it's my job to poke fun at him! I'm his sister after all!" "His twin sister Sarah! You forgot to tell me that!" "Yeah, well, he and I don't talk about that much. Besides, I'm older than him by two minutes, and he hates that." I went home about nine, and when mom picked me up, Greg was standing right there next to me. Mom merely smiled when she saw that he was holding my hand. Almost the minute we walked in the house, mom asked me all about Greg. I told her that he was Sarah's twin brother, and he only walked me to the car. When your mother snorts, you just know she didn't believe a word you said, and my mom had snorted. As I got ready for bed, I too wondered about Greg. Did he like me enough to call, or was Sarah just blowing smoke? And, did I even want him to call? I had always known that I was really a girl inside, and had become one, well almost anyway. I loved my job, the people needing me for various things. It made me feel useful. But I had yet to see myself as someone's girlfriend, or even think of myself that way. Until Greg started paying attention to me. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I really did like the way he treated me, and I knew right then that I could not go back to being a boy, even when school started. It wasn't quite the revelation that sounds like. Deep down, I knew it the minute I was fitted with the panty and breast forms. The big question was not did I want that, the question was, could I get mom to go along with it? Day after day I worked at the hospital, gaining a bit more freedom, and also, more responsibilities. They were letting me help the nurses at their station. About two weeks later mom got a call from Gladys' lawyer. All funds were ready to be distributed, and I was to appear in his office promptly at four the next day. Mom and I appeared together at the appointed time. "Gladys," her lawyer intoned, "has left you a very large sum of money, which will be doled out, like an allowance until you are 18, at which time you are free to do as you wish. Tanya, just look these over and sign at the bottom. I started to reach for the pen, but mom stopped me. "Tanya is not of legal age to sign anything. As her mother, I'll read the documents, then I will sign for her!" "Of course. As you wish." Mom read the documents, then signed her name. After the lawyer gave her the access codes to the money, she and I left his office, but as soon as we hit the street... "Tanya, honey, you are now a very rich little girl! Unless you want to, I doubt that you would ever have to work a day in your life!" Her face then went very serious on me. "The one stipulation Gladys insisted on is that you get a good education, and marry the right guy!" I was puzzled, and must have shown it, so mom explained it to me. "What that means honey, is that to "marry the right guy", you'll have to be a female, and that means that from now on, you'll have to be the girl you are now!" "In school too?" "If you want the money, in school too honey. But that's what you wanted anyway isn't it?" "Yeah, but..." "It also means that we'll have to find a doctor that can help you develop your own... attributes. To become a woman, you'll need to have your own breasts honey, with naturally smooth skin and a rounder figure all your own, not just some bit of latex magic!" She did not tell me how much money there was, nor the amount of my allowance, but I just knew from the look on her face that both were substantial. The fact that I would have my own boobs made me feel giddy, and I was more than eager to start, but that had to wait. The very next day I was called into my supervisors office. "You accepted a gift from one of the patients! That is totally outside the rules, which require you to forfeit any gift to the hospital!" I already knew better, so I gathered up my nerve, and... "Our lawyer told us that you're wrong, and besides, I don't think you should be talking to me. You should be talking to my mother! I'm still a minor, remember?" I thought she was going to spit nails, she was so angry. "Okay then, if that is your answer, we will take legal action against you, and your services will no longer be required at this facility!" "I'll change, get my things, and I'll leave," I said in a huff, also angry. "You're a pain in the ass to work for anyway; and I'll bet that as soon as word of this gets out, the other candy stripers will quit too!" I saw Sarah in the locker room, told her what had happened, and she didn't even bother to change! She simply cleaned out her locker, told the head nurse she was quitting, and we left, as did several other girls! I called mom as soon as we were outside, told her what had happened, and wanted to know what to do. "You stay right there! Go to the coffee shop on the corner and wait. I'll be there within the hour!" What happened after that was akin to World War II. Mom showed up with our lawyer, I told them both what had happened, what was said, the tone of voice, and everything else I could remember, then, with our lawyer leading the way, the four of us went to the office of the head of the hospital. We were ushered into his office, rather quickly I thought. Our lawyer told him what had happened, then added... "Those rules aren't worth the paper they are written on and you know it! You have no jurisdiction on what people do with their own money, nor who they want to give it to! I understand the reason for the policy, but to browbeat a little girl? I assure you, she has a wonderful case for slander, and we will not be averse to using that tactic if you persist in this policy of berating little girls to return gifts!" He lowered his tone of voice, and went on, "Now. I'm sure that you are not eager to have this hit the papers, so I suggest that you bring that supervisor in here and explain the facts of life to her!" "I had no idea about this! Yes, we have that policy, and knew that Gladys gave some money to one of our helpers, but I knew nothing about this... browbeating as you call it!" "Well, as you know," the lawyer said, "Tanya is a minor, and could not accept the gift herself. Her mother is the one that actually signed the papers, so you must also know that as a minor, Tanya had no legal standing in this.. policy of yours, and therefore, you have no jurisdiction in this matter. May we speak to her supervisor?" That CEO called for her to appear in his office forthwith, and she quickly arrived in that office, still panting. When she saw me, she paled. The CEO had tried to explain the reason for the policy, but he already knew that it was unenforceable. Our attorney made it very clear that my mother was the one that had signed the papers as my agent, and I, as a minor, was not liable for her actions. He finally acceded that he was right, so when my supervisor showed up, the ass chewing she got from the CEO was truly something to see. She turned red, then white, and finally, she visibly sagged. In effect, she was told in very clear terms that what a patient decides to do, with any kind of gift is their business, not hers, and any further mistreatment of anyone under her direction would result in her looking for a new job! Just then his secretary came in and told him that because of what happened to me, all of the other volunteer aides had quit! "That tears it!" he roared. Then pointing at the supervisor... "You get your ass on the phone and get those girls back in here! I don't care what you tell them, but get it done, or you're out! Now get out of here!" Turning to us... "Is there anything else?" "Well, yes," mom said calmly, "What is the name of your very best hormonal specialist?" "I'll write it down. Anything he does is on the house." "No, we'll pay for it ourselves. That way he cannot provide you with any information... can he?" "As you wish." You could say that I was very impressed with the way the lawyer went after him, as well as the way mom casually asked for a hormonal specialist. After it was all over and we were outside, and since Sarah and I had nothing to do, she and I walked home while mom went back to her office. "Has Greg called you yet?" "Nope. He won't call me, why should he?" "Because you're all he talks about! He thinks you're just the finest thing in a dress he's ever seen! That's why!" "He'll get over it." "He'll call, bet on it Tanya!" Sarah and I got to her house just as Greg and his friend Jackson showed up, all sweaty and tired, dragging their lawn mowers along behind them. We sort of ignored them, the way girls do with boys, and went inside to her bedroom. Loaning me a swimsuit, she and I took a dip in the pool. I stayed about two hours, then went home. Greg and Jackson must have left, because we never saw them again. I was in a turmoil. I was about to become a real girl! The guilt that I had felt before this all started came flooding back, and I wondered if I were doing the right thing. I had always wanted to be a girl, and I had no doubts about that, yet there was that tiny sliver of male in me fighting hard to regain control, and always losing. I undressed to take a shower, and once again looked in the mirror. I was a girl. Breasts and hips, no manhood, merely a stripe of dark hair surrounding a narrow groove. As I ran my hands over my body, I knew that I was right, and set aside the fears and guilt that had been trying to take away everything I wanted. By the time school started my hair was well below my shoulders, hanging straight down, parted in the middle with modest bangs. I looked like many of the other girls. I had to change schools anyway, and ended up with Sarah and Greg in the new charter school. To this day I do not know how mom managed it, but I was enrolled as Tanya Michelle, female, age 14. As the days became weeks then months, my body began to change until finally, the breast forms were removed. I had a full A cup all my own. Greg and I doubled with Sarah and Jackson for pizza a few times, but he wasn't the one for me, and we both knew it. We remained friends, but that's all. By the time the next summer arrived, I had the natural body of a girl my age, the natural roundness, smooth skin and so on, only the new panty to make me look completely female. Mom and I had almost the same relationship, although she wouldn't budge on certain things. Like walking to Sarah's house at night. Wasn't going to happen, and it never did. Her rules made sense to her but not me, because I did not understand that kind of danger yet. A girl walking alone at night is fair game for the predators in our society. I no longer suffered any guilt feelings about changing into a girl, and my day to day life seemed almost mundane, the thrill of simply getting dressed up gone in the tedium of constancy. Each day was the same. Get up. Get dressed, do my hair and makeup, go to school. The thrill of wearing a skirt or dress faded away like so much snow in a heat wave. I was 17 when I let someone touch my breast, through my clothes of course, but the sensation of it made me eager to complete my transition. Like most girls my age I knew that boys wanted to get into my panties, but I also knew it wasn't going to happen. There were other ways to make our guys happy so to speak, but I was still a virgin when I graduated. Three years of learning to be a female in every way possible had been interesting if not fun in some cases, but I was ready to take the final step to become the girl I already seemed to be. Guilt and fear can drive a person crazy, and I know that first hand. I was very lucky to have someone that was willing to let me explore a special part of myself; the forbidden part. So many others like me suffered through the guilt, and the shame, arriving at a place that only gave them momentary relief, if at all. My mother has a strong will, which she gave me, or we would not have been able to survive my transition. Her willingness to allow exploration of the girl I had inside, and my willingness to not only bare my soul to her, but dare to expose myself to the public, gave me the strength I needed. The journey was hard, the risks great, the outcome worth it.