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Eventually Janet L. Stickney [email protected] The first time I wore a dress I was eight. It was a Halloween party, and I went as Little Bo Peep. What did I know? I was just a kid at the time, but once I wore it, something came over me, which is when I found out I liked it, more than a little, and wore that outfit almost an entire week after the party, until mom finally told me to quit wearing it. The next time came when I was 12, and once again, I became a storybook character, Snow White that time, but once again, something happened when mom was fixing my hair and putting on the makeup. I wasn't sure what it was, all I knew was that like before, I knew that I liked it. But when mom put that makeup on me and brushed out my hair, the feelings I had were very strong within me, something that told me that dressing as a girl was meant for me. Of course, I didn't say anything about it, I just went to the party, played down my wearing a dress, and had a good time. But in the back of my mind I knew that I would wear a dress again, and it probably wouldn't be on Halloween. It was almost three months later before I had the chance, and I quickly took it. I "borrowed" a skirt and blouse from my sister, and did my best, which was horrible, but the satisfaction I got was worth all the terror I suffered when I worried about being caught. It lasted only an hour, and felt like a lifetime, but I felt very relaxed when I had those clothes on, and I knew I had to do it again, which I did. As I gambled with fate, I dressed up more often, and it became an addiction. Those stolen few hours when I would dress up, then prance around, I just couldn't stop myself. The more I would get dressed, the more I needed, and the more I needed the more I dressed up, which led to some very strange thoughts, like leaving my room, dressed as a girl. I stifled those thoughts, using common sense rather than need, and continued to stay in my room whenever I would get dressed up. My sister Claire is 5 years older than I am, and like mom, she never throws anything away, which meant that her closet was stuffed with clothes she would never wear, or had outgrown, and that made for sweet pickings for me. I had the idea that she wouldn't miss a few things, so I took them. An old bra, a slip, a couple of skirts and a few blouses along with three pairs of her old shoes that fit me. What I had not planned on was how to hide them. I ended up stuffing them all into a box that I kept under my bed. Dumb. This went on until I was 14, and by that time, I thought I had mastered the art of makeup. I had let my hair grow out, pierced my ears, and felt confident that if I showed up dressed as a girl, nobody would ever know who I was. In my delusional state I almost did that, show myself that is, but I got a serious case of the brain cramps, and chickened out. A month later, again fully dressed, I was in my room, trying to find a fault with the way I looked, but couldn't find a one of course, and almost stepped out of my room, but didn't, when an overwhelming fear gripped me yet once again. Then, as I was taking the dress off, the door to my room opened, and mom walked in on me. Standing there in a bra, panties and pantyhose, wearing full makeup, with my hair in a ponytail and earrings dangling from my ears, there wasn't much I could say about the way I was dressed, since mom could see for herself what I had been doing. I didn't need to tell her. I expected a tirade, and stood there waiting for her to dump on me, but.... "You better get cleaned up honey, it's almost dinner time." Then she left! I stripped all of the clothes off as fast as I could, then jumped in the shower to scrub away all traces of makeup. I hurriedly put my stuff back in the box, got dressed in jeans and a tee, then went down to dinner. Mom never mentioned what she had seen, leaving me edgy all through dinner, waiting for her to say something, anything, but, mom didn't say anything, and life went back to normal within a few days. During the next few months Claire graduated, turned 18, then left for parts unknown with her boyfriend. Then, about a month after Claire left, Dad had a heart attack, followed by a very serious stroke that left him unable to control any part of his body, and we were reluctantly forced to put him in a nursing home. That wasn't supposed to happen to a guy only 37 years old, but it had, and my well ordered life went from great to nothing in just a few months, leaving mom and I the only ones left to rattle around in that huge old house. It was worse than terrible as mom and I groped for answers to the fate that had come to our door. After seeing my father lying in a bed, unable to do more than blink his eyes, my dressing as a girl faded into insignificance, and my desire to dress up left me as all I worried about was my dad. It did not take a brain surgeon to figure out that we could no longer stay in that house, so mom put it on the market. It sold in five days, leaving us just a few months to find a new home. As we cleaned out the house and packed things to move, we threw out a lot of plain junk, the stuff all families seem to collect, then, when we got to Claire's room, I fully expected mom to toss out her clothes, or give them away, but she didn't. She carefully packed them all into boxes, which she then left in that room. I didn't ask her why, I was simply pleased that she kept them. We moved to a smaller, new home across town, which meant that I left all my classmates behind. As the last truck pulled away, mom and I drove to the new house to supervise the unloading. Mom let me have the largest bedroom, then, during the unloading, she had all of Claire's stuff put in my new room, but the biggest surprise came when mom put Claire's vanity in my bedroom, along with a few of her other things. Something was going on, but I didn't ask, half afraid of what I might hear, so I said nothing. It took us both, working almost a week to get the house in some sort of order, When I stupidly asked why I had all of Claire's things in my room... "So you can," mom said, "use them of course! What a silly question!" "But I don't need..." "If you keep dressing up like you have been, then you'll need almost everything. Just leave it all there, then, if you need it, fine. If not, you can ignore them." It wasn't as if I needed all of the clothes and stuff Claire left behind, I mean, I liked to dress up once in a while, and I sure wanted to be able to leave the house as a girl, and even though mom knew how I felt, I still wasn't sure why she had given me all of Claire's things. But mom would not have given me all of Claire's stuff unless she knew more than I did, so I didn't say much about my windfall. While we were unpacking, she had hinted that she would like to see me dressed up, but I was more than a little worried to show her just how cute I was as a girl. Well, cute in my mind anyway. At the end of the second week in the new house, mom casually mentioned again, almost as an aside, that she would really like to meet the girl I had always hid under my bed, and damned if she didn't catch me thinking about just that. Getting all dressed up I mean. I didn't say anything, even as her words lay there between us, but her eyes were smiling and bright, even while I pondered the question of what to do. "Why don't you," mom said, "go change. I'll wait right here." I stared at her. "Go ahead honey, we're not going anywhere, it's just you and I here, and I really want to see for myself how you look, when you're not scared out of your wits I mean." It wasn't even close. I gave in almost before the words were out of her mouth, and went to my room, hoping to do my very best attempt ever. It took me over an hour to shower, do my makeup and get dressed, choosing a short dark blue skirt with a pale green blouse to wear. My legs looked sexy as all get out wrapped in pantyhose, and looked even better when I stepped into the low black heels. Earrings and a bit of lipstick, then, when I thought I was ready, I looked in the mirror one last time. This time, I knew that I would have to show mom how I looked, and hoped that she would not laugh at me. Drawing in a deep breath, I stepped out of my room, and took the first step towards the familyroom. My feet felt like clay, my tongue was dry and I was sweating, yet I went on, resisting the urge to hide in my room, change as quickly as possible, and deny, once again the lure I felt when I saw those dresses in my closet. I saw mom before she saw me, then, with one more step, she looked up, and I froze in place. Mom didn't say anything at first, then she motioned for me to turn around. When our eyes met again, she was smiling. "You look very nice dear. Maybe, with a little help here and there, you'll look fantastic. This is a skill that might come in handy some day. Being able to become a girl I mean." I had no idea what she meant and let it pass. "How would you like me to help you? Maybe we can fix up your makeup, then I'll do your hair a little better, and maybe we can find a better color combination of makeup for you." I followed mom into my bedroom, and under her direction, washed off all the makeup, then sat at the vanity and watched as mom led me through the proper way to apply makeup. In less than twenty minutes she made me look better than I had ever managed on my own, and I was thrilled to learn how easy it was! Then she brushed out my hair, still clean from my shower, and began to use the curling iron here and there, rapidly changing, with almost no effort, the way I looked! No longer stark in the face from a tight ponytail, my face seemed softer somehow, and the way she did my makeup, gave me an innocent look that I had never managed to do. Mom stood back as I simply stared into the mirror, reveling in the vision there before my eyes. The green blouse was replaced by a thin white top, then, as I stood back and looked in the mirror once again, I could not help but smile. As good as I thought I had been doing on my own, I knew right then that I had looked like a clown, and would have been ridiculed unmercifully if I had ever left the house. Mom's help had driven home just how little I really knew about being a girl. I just stood there, soaking in all of the emotions flooding through me, but I was unwilling to change clothes, even as I was afraid to ask mom if I could stay dressed. But she simply told me that she had a few errands to run, then found an old purse for me to carry, told me to put my stuff in it, and to meet her in the kitchen! Me? Leave the house? Like that? A dream come true, and my worst nightmare, all in one! In the end, I put my wallet and lipstick in the purse, and walked to the kitchen where mom was waiting for me. Without a word she walked out to the car, waiting until I summoned the courage to take that first step, then giggled as I dashed to the car, almost hiding under the dash as she backed out of the driveway. Mom told me to sit up, and I did, but I never really did relax as she went to the dry cleaners, the post office and the drug store. I sat in the car for the first two, but she insisted, and I found myself inside the drugstore, standing in front of the cosmetics while mom picked out some new foundations, and some better eyeshadow for me. I was horrified to stand there like that, positive that everyone knew the truth, when in fact, nobody cared. I was shaking when we were back in the car. On the way home, the worst possible thing happened. We were stopped by the cops. I was sure that someone had seen me as a boy in a dress, then called the police, but when mom rolled down her window, and after he glanced at me, he asked her if she knew Claire. "Yes, she's my daughter...why?" She's in jail Ma'am, and she has been asking us to contact you. We called your house, but the phone had been disconnected. The only reason I found you was that I looked up your license plate, just in case I spotted you. Can you come see your daughter? She is in very serious trouble Ma'am." "We'll follow you if you don't mind," mom said, much to my continuing horror. Well, the cop nodded his head yes, and mom followed him. On the way... "Mom! Are you crazy? I'm dressed as a girl! They'll arrest me!" "Oh, I doubt that. You look just delicious as a girl, and if you mind your manners and behave like a girl, nobody will know, and this is about Claire, not you. We will need a name for you, a girls name, Tim doesn't seem to work does it?" "I don't have one mom!" "Then I get to name you! How about Tina? No? What about...Mary? No...never mind that....I know! We'll call you Kathy!" And that's how I got my name. On the way to the jail. We walked into the police station, and I saw that the place was crowded with all kinds of people, Claire's lawyer was there waiting, and the policeman pointed him out for us. "She is in very serious trouble Ma'am," her lawyer said, "she and her boyfriend robbed a bank this morning, and one of the guards was killed. He got away by leaving her standing on the curb, with the murder weapon in her hand. Now she refuses to believe that he did that to her, and is positive that he'll turn himself in and confess. I've tried to warn her to help the police, but she is holding out, refusing to tell them where he went. Myself, I think that anything she might have known is worthless right now, but it's worth trying to get her to help them anyway. He left her standing there holding the gun, so why does she think he'll come in and save her now? Maybe you two can talk some sense into her, I certainly can't." Mom went into see Claire while I sat there with the lawyer, still hoping to just get out of there without being caught. Mom was inside with Claire for about an hour before she came back. "Claire in under the illusion that her boyfriend will save her, but she is beginning to get the drift of things I think. Maybe in a few days she'll have a different view. What are her chances, even if she does tell them everything?" "Not good," The lawyer said, "murder of a police officer, even if he is off duty, which the guard was, is capital murder, and in this state, that carries the death penalty. She was there, she participated in the robbery, and had the gun in her hand when they caught her. In my opinion, the only way to avoid the death chamber is for her to cooperate, and even then, she'll get a very long stretch in jail, maybe, or most likely, life with no parole," Turning to me..."would you like to talk to your sister?" I almost said no, but mom told me I should, and for me to tell Claire everything. Still scared, I was escorted by a female guard to a small room, and sat at the table across from Claire. She looked worse than miserable, and those orange coveralls made her look like a pumpkin. At first she didn't seem to recognize me, then, all at once she smiled, and sat down. "You've changed," she said, "and for the better I think." "Claire," I said, "you have to cooperate! That lawyer said that you face the death penalty!" "But...what do I call you now?" she asked, ignoring what I had said about cooperating. "Kathy" "Kathy, that's a nice name. I like it. It suits you." Then she changed subjects without warning. "Robbie told me that he would never leave me! He said that we would be together forever, and that he loved me!" "Yeah, maybe," I said with a sneer, "but he's out there, and you're in here taking the rap for him! How stupid can you get Claire?! He knows that he faces the death sentence, so why would he give himself up? I'll bet you'll never see him again unless it's his picture on television or in the paper. Claire! Don't be so stupid! He left you holding the bag, and you still think he loves you? How dumb can you get? That bum is long gone by now, and unless you want to die by lethal injection, you better tell the police everything you know, and you better start now!" With a sigh, she sat upright. "You look just cute as hell Kathy. Don't ever let reality get in the way of your dreams honey, I did, and look at me. If you want to be a girl, then go for it, and don't take any crap from anyone...understand?" I said I did, then told her all about dad's condition, finishing just as a guard came in and told me I had to leave. The stench of disinfectant, still rankled in my nose, and those gray walls were beginning to crush in on me, so I was very glad to leave that place. I felt sorry for Claire. She was going to prison, there wasn't any doubt about that, the only question left was for how long. All her life she had hung around with guys that seemed seedy to me, mom and dad, almost as if the edge of danger made her whole. Then she picked Robbie to be with. He was the worst of the bunch, but she ignored all of the warnings, and left with him. In my mind, I was pretty sure that she wasn't even aware that Robbie was robbing that bank, and she certainly wasn't the one that killed that man, but she was there, and she didn't do anything to stop Robbie, and that made her guilty. Our family luck was continuing to go to hell in a hand basket, and there wasn't one thing mom or I could do to stop it. Seeing Claire in a place like that, after seeing dad in his condition, once again drove home just how insignificant my dressing as a girl really was, which, to my great shame, made me feel better somehow. It was very quiet at our house that night. I stayed dressed until bedtime, then lay there wondering what travesty could possibly happen to us next. In the morning, as mom and I sat at the table... "It looks like it's just you and I now Tim." Tears came to her eyes, then mom wept openly. Through her tears she said..."I have decided that you and I are going to enjoy life to the fullest Tim, and if you want to dress as a girl all of the time, then you can. Life is to damned short, anything can happen, at any time, just look at us! I don't care what anyone else thinks honey, not any more....if you want to become a girl, then I don't see any why you can't. There just isn't any reason for you deny yourself any more." My dream lay before me, all I had to do was take it. Yet I felt like I would be taking advantage of the situation, and merely told mom that I would think about it. Torn between what I knew dad wanted for me, which conflicted with my inner desires, and after all of the trauma mom and I had suffered through in just a few months, I wondered why I should be the only one in the family to get what he wants. All day I worried about what I would do, yet it was my chance. All I had to do was say yes. I had two more months before school started, so I could spend the summer as a girl, and since nobody really knew us, because we just moved in, it would be easier for me to become a girl, just not real easy. After much thought, and after almost three days, I finally showed up for breakfast as Kathy. Mom never missed a beat, and started by calling my by my girl name right away. I knew that I looked like hell, but later, mom showed me once again how to do makeup. That time all I wore was foundation, powder, and a pale lipstick. She said that girls my age don't always wear makeup, and I shouldn't wear to much anyway. I had on a pair of well worn jeans, my gym shoes and a white top that had blue flowers on it, my hair held in place with a hair band. I looked okay I guess, but I felt just a little more than anxious. With Claire in jail and dad in a nursing home, I was the only one getting something they wanted. I felt...selfish in a way, but I didn't change into my boy clothes, I just couldn't. Mom was staying busy cleaning the house, and finally told me to go outside, I "was in the way," she said. I had never been outside, alone, dressed as a girl that is, and that familiar knot in my stomach came back when I looked at the door. "I'm not," mom said, "going to let you stay inside for the rest of your life Kathy. If you don't want to go out as a girl, then go change. But if you do change, how is that going to help you? What I mean is, that if you don't do this now, you'll never be able to do it, and that isn't what you want, is it?" With a knot in my stomach, I took one last look at mom, who smiled at me, then I turned the knob and stepped outside. The fresh air smelled great, the sun warm, another wonderful spring day. I walked around the house to the front yard, looked both ways, didn't see anyone, and started to walk down the short street. I didn't see anyone out, and just walked to enjoy the freedom to be a girl. At the end of the street a new house was being built, workman were pounding nails, pouring concrete and so on, which all caught my eye. I stopped to watch them for a minute, then I saw her as she walked out from behind a truck. The girl looked about my age, with long, straight brown hair. She saw me, waved, then to my great horror, she ran across the street! "Hi! I'm Julia! We're going to live in this house when it's done. You live around here?" "Ummm...hi. I'm Kathy. I live down the street." "This is so cool!" Julia said. "I thought I would be the only girl on this street! I have to go Kathy, but we come back every day, so maybe I'll see you again!" She gave me a hug, then ran back to where her mother was waiting for her. I watched them as they drove away, swallowing hard, because I knew that Julia would be on the lookout for me, every time she was here, and worse, she was going to live there! She was going to expect to find a girl at my house, not a guy named Tim! I walked around the block trying to figure out a way that I could manage to be both Tim and Kathy, and wasn't paying any attention to what was going on around me. That's why I didn't see him. I heard the bike slide to a stop next to me, and jumped a little when I saw the front tire slide past me, blocking my way. "Just what I need," he said with a chuckle, "another chick to add to my stable!" "I am not," I said, "a chick, and I am not going to be part of your stable! Now get out of my way!" "You look pretty hot to me babe, and you'll change your mind sooner or later. Just ask for Bill, and I'll be right there, ready and willing!" "Don't hold your breath waiting for me," I said, then pushed his bike back and kept walking. Thankfully, he didn't follow me. By the time I got home I was a wreck. I had met another girl that was moving into the neighborhood, plus some guy that thinks he's God's gift to women. Neither Julia or the kid knew that I was a boy, and I just couldn't see any way to tell them, not without getting my brains bashed in. When I told mom, all she did was smile and tell me it was going to be okay! She didn't seem the least concerned that everyone thought I was a girl! I went to my room to cool off, and decided that I might as well try on all the clothes in my closet. After all, they were mine, so why not? Mom let me, or rather suggested, that I begin dressing as a girl every day, telling me that it would be excellent practice, adding that I needed to be able to do my own makeup and hair, all on my own anyway, and it would be the best way for me to learn it. Since we didn't have that many neighbors yet, and having the chance to do exactly what I wanted, it didn't take much persuasion, and from that day on, I never wore any of my male clothes, not even a tee. Mom bought me some more skirts and tops, jeans and shoes, then left it to me to wear what I thought best, but I always knew when I had selected wrong, because mom would give me that "look" of hers. Just a few days later we got a knock on the door. Opening it, I saw Julia and her mom standing there! "Hi," Julia said, "this is my mom. We just stopped by so that mom could meet you and your mom. We're going to be neighbors, and we thought..." "Who is it honey?" mom asked. "It's Julia, and her mom." I let them in, standing there wondering how I was ever going to get out of this! I mean, when school starts in the fall, I would have to become Tim again, and that would cause all sorts of problems. I was wearing my shortest skirt, the green and blue one, with a thin white pullover top, my hair brushed out in a pageboy, gold earrings bobbing from my ears, so there wasn't any way I could say it was just a prank, especially since that was the second time Julia had seen me. Our mothers hit it off right away, and left to talk over coffee, leaving me standing there with Julia, unsure of what I should do. Julia and I stood there for a minute, then... "Are there," Julia asked, "any boys around here? I haven't seen even one yet! Maybe this will be an all girl neighborhood!" "There's a guy," I said, "that thinks he's a gift every girl is just waiting for. His name is Bill. I think he lives around the block, I'm not sure where. I don't think you'll like him, I know I don't." "Then let's go find this guy, and teach him some manners!" I hesitated, then... "Come on Kathy, we'll drive him crazy! It'll be fun!" I didn't really want to tweak Bill's nose, but Julia obviously wanted to go, so I opened the door, and let her lead the way. As we started walking around the block... "Kathy," mom said to Julia's mom, "is a special kind of girl. I just wanted you to know that, right up front Sally." "Special? Is she learning disabled?" "Not at all. She's...my son." Julia and I turned the corner, and there he was, on his bike, standing in the middle of the street. He was taller then either of us, with short cropped spiky blond hair. He wore a black leather glove with fingers free on his left hand. When he saw us, we saw him smile, then spin his bike our way, facing us. I hesitated, but Julia walked right up to him. "I hear," she said, "that you think your hot stuff." He smirked at us and sat back, ready to say something. "But all I see," Julia went on, "is a blowhard that's probably a bully as well." He stood up, but... "Stay away from Kathy and I, or there will be trouble, and I don't want to hurt you." "You? A little girl like you hurt me?" he said. "I doubt that, but you're free to think it, and besides, after you're a part of my stable, you'll calm down, hell, you might even like it!" Julia didn't even move, and I never saw the flash of her hand, but Bill hit the pavement pretty hard, and he was holding his shoulder while groaning in pain. "Listen asshole," Julia said, "I've taken Karate lessons since I could walk, and taking you out wouldn't even make me break a sweat, so leave Kathy and I alone...Get it?" Without waiting for him to answer, she walked off, with me right behind her, headed for the far side of the block. At my house. "Your son!" Sally said. "But Kathy looks just like your average girl!" "She is," mom answered, "just an average girl Sally, but she's a girl with something extra. She has been dressing up since she was quite little, and after what happened to her father and her sister Claire, we both decided that she shouldn't let anyone but us decide how she should lead her life." "Well, I can see why you feel that way, and I can assure you that Kathy will be welcome at our home any time. I'm not sure just how I'll tell Julia, but I'll find a way." "Maybe we should wait a little and see what happens. Maybe Kathy will tell her on her own." "I agree. We wouldn't be in the middle that way, which is probably better anyway." I was shocked at how easily Julia had put Bill on the ground since he weighed at least half as much more than she did, and she had my complete admiration, plus my unadulterated fear. If she could do that to Bill, what would she do to me when, not if, she found out about me? Would I also end up on the street? If I were to remain dressing as a girl, I would need Julia as a friend, and that meant that I had to tell her, There wasn't any other conclusion I could come to. We got to the next corner, stopping to watch some men lifting roof rafters into place with a small crane. Taking what mom told me to heart... "Julia?" "Yeah?" "I have something to tell you, and I don't want you to be mad at me when I do." "What?" As the crane moved the rafter from the pile, I drew in a deep breath. "I'm not a girl," I said quickly, hoping she heard it, and missed it at the same time, but she had heard me. She stopped, turned, and stared at me. "No way! I would know! Boys just cannot become girls! Not and be as cute as you are!" "I have," I said meekly, "I hope your not mad at me, but with all that's happened to us, I..." I started crying, and it all came out. Dad, my sister, how I felt, all of it. Julia just listened, then, when I quit crying, she put her arm around me, gave me a hug, then, as we started back to my house... "You're the first girl I've ever felt close to Kathy, and I don't like boys pawing at me, which is why I was so happy that you and I met! I felt as if I had found a soul mate!" We stopped, and she looked me right in the eye. "You say you're a girl? I accept that, and I don't care what else might be true, just as long as the two of us can remain friends. Besides, how will I ever keep Bill in line without you?" We hugged again, then walked to my house, I was elated because Julia had accepted me, and I now had one solid friend, and she was going to be just down the street from me. Julia didn't ask me how I did things, I'm sure that she could guess, but she did ask me if I wanted to come to her old house, so I could meet some of her friends. I wasn't so sure of myself, but after she insisted, I gave in, and said I would go. By the time we reached my house it was over, and we were back to just being a couple of girls again. When we went in the house, Julia told our mom's what had happened with Bill, which left all of us laughing. Julia and her mom said they were coming back the next day, and did I want to join them for lunch. Mom said it was okay, so I said yes, then they had to leave. Once mom and I were alone... "I told Julia mom." I did not have to mention what I told her. "I see! It seems that she doesn't mind, and it looks like you have a good friend!" "I hope so," I said, meaning every word of it. That night we saw a television report on Claire's boyfriend. She had told the police where he might be, but when they raided the place he wasn't there, then, just as they were ready to leave, he showed up, and a gun battle broke out. Two policemen were shot when Robbie used a small machine gun to try and get away, but he was riddled with bullets when the police caught him in the open, shot with at least, according to the reports, 17 bullets. Now Claire would face the wrath of the court system alone. The fact that Robbie shot two more cops wasn't going to work in her favor, especially since she waited so long to give him up. I looked at mom, who had the same thoughts I did, then, I watched as she slowly got up, and quietly went to her bedroom, to cry no doubt. With my sister going to prison, dad in a nursing home, and an old hag across the street, my life, even with the ability to dress as a girl, seemed somehow less than worthless. Everything I had counted on, with people I loved, gone forever. I just seemed to lose the flavor of excitement I always felt when I became a girl. Mom was in her room crying, our shared dismay and loss harder on her than me, and I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could do to change things, but there was one thing I could do, and went to mom's room. Knocking on the door first, I went in. Mom's eyes were red, her face streaked with tears, the shame of having a daughter in prison bearing down hard on her. All of her hopes and dreams crushed, her future, once so rosy and bright now suffering from the harsh glare of light that life sometimes casts badly on good people. There would be no retirement living a soft life with dad, no grandchildren from Claire to fuss over, no vacations to exotic places that make wild dreams possible, in short, there wasn't much left for her. On top of that, she had a son that wanted to be a daughter, which, if it came true, would mean there would not be any grandchildren for sure, at least not of her blood. In many ways I wanted to take the blame for everything that had happened, that evil voice inside telling me that if only I didn't like to wear dresses, it would all go away. I knew that it wasn't true, but the thought nagged me anyway. I stood in the doorway, unsure of what to do, then mom held out her arms and I rushed to fill them. Our tears mingled as we held each other tightly, squeezing the world out, leaving just the two of us. I held her, my eyes filling with tears, unable to say a word, yet we both knew that whatever future lay before us, we alone had the power to change it, make it our own. I lay there in her arms for a long time, then... "Kathy," mom said softly, "with Claire in prison for this heinous crime, we are going to be swamped by the media, and I'm not sure that they should see..." I stopped her with a raised hand. "Mom, if all they see is Claire's little sister, I can't see a problem, can you? Claire told me herself to be myself, so I'm sure that if they ask her about me she'll be okay, and not tell them the truth." "But your old school friends, they all know there was just you and Claire, so they'll know Kathy, and one of them might call the media and say that you're a boy, then what?" "Then I'll have to be the perfect younger sister to Claire won't I? Or, I can, and will if you ask, go change right now, and be my old self. I like being Kathy, but I won't let it bring you this much pain," I stood up, turned to look at her... "I'll go change right now." "No Kathy, you won't change, I can't allow that. You and I made a commitment to each other. If you think you can face the media as a girl, then I'm going to let you, but you'll have to be very strong about this, especially if they find out the truth. If they do, you'll have to tell them something or they will hound you forever. With Claire in prison and you dressing as a girl, we'll become the poster family for dysfunctional family life if we let the media do that to us," Mom paused, then went to the phone. I only heard her side of the conversation. "Can I talk to Ron? Thanks, I'll wait...Ron? Listen, Kathy and I have to talk to you, today if possible...it's very important...okay, half an hour then, at your office...fine, bye." "That was our lawyer Kathy. He'll be able to help us, and we have to be there in half an hour, so touch up your makeup and run a brush through your hair." Ron greeted us, then, once we were in his office, mom told him all about me, our concerns about the media and me, considering Claire's being in prison, and all of the unwanted attention I might draw. Neither mom or I wanted me to become the story, which is what we were afraid of. He didn't even bat an eye when mom told him I was a boy, but he listened very carefully to everything mom said, then sat back in his chair and looked at us. "I agree with you. Your concerns are well founded, but if Kathy legally existed, then the media wouldn't have anywhere to go with the story, assuming it came out. As it is, she is still legally a male, and thus, fair game, so what we need to do, is make Kathy legal!" He opened a drawer in his desk, and pulled out some papers. "These are name change papers. With them we can make her legal in the eyes of the law, and maybe I can even change her birth certificate. If I draw the right judge, he owes me a favor, I can make that happen. Then the media would have no choice but to accept her for what she seems to be. The upside of that is that the school system would have no choice but to admit her as a girl. The down side is that she would be expected to attend all of the classes a girl her age would normally take, but if this is what you want, I can file the papers on Monday morning if you like." Mom looked at me, waiting for me to say yes. I simply nodded my head, and mom told him to go ahead. When mom filled out the papers, she put my new name as Katherine Elaine, then both mom and I signed it. Ron shook our hands, told us he would take care of it, then told mom that any questions regarding either Claire or myself should be directed to him, then he told us not to talk to the press. The minute I signed those papers I knew that I had sealed my future. I was going to become a girl, whether I was ready or not, and no matter how good, or bad I was at it, I would no longer be wearing boys clothes, and my name would be Katherine. On the way home, mom suggested that maybe I would like to visit a beauty shop and have my hair cut and styled. I said I said I would like that. It would be my first time in a beauty shop, and I wondered what they would do to me. Two days later Claire was bound over for trial, charged with killing the guard, resisting arrest and obstruction of justice because she waited so long to tell the cops where her boyfriend was, and two more cops were shot. On her attorneys advice, we stayed away from the opening days of the trial, but everyone knew that it would be a short trial, so that's when mom took me to the beauty shop. I asked Julia to come along, and she was joined by her mother. Julia and I spent hours looking at hairstyles for me, settling on one that wasn't real long, and looked cute on the model. Everything about the beauty shop was new to me, from the smells to the way everyone acted, but I let the woman lead me to a chair. I showed her the picture I had, and she agreed that it would look nice on me, then began to wash my hair. I sat in that chair for almost an hour while the woman cut, trimmed and styled my hair, and at the same time, someone else came over, filed then painted my nails with a clear polish. When I looked in the mirror, it was like looking at another whole new person. The way my hair framed my face gave me a very feminine look, and made me feel just great. After we left the salon, mom took me to a shop and had me fitted with real breast forms, the kind that glue on, and were the same color of my skin. Small, yet they gave me a sense of completeness, the weight of them pulling at my chest when I walked, stretching my bra straps out so that I had to adjust them, with mom's help of course. The next day mom and I got up early, and I carefully dressed in a suit, the pale burgundy one. My hair was perfect, taking extra caution with my makeup. The hem of the skirt was at mid thigh on me, which mom said was fine for a girl my age. I also wore pearl earrings with a pearl necklace, my low black heels, and a soft pink blouse. Mom wore her navy suit, and looked just great. The night before mom and I together decided that we had to make an appearance when Claire appeared in court, and once we made that decision, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Regardless of the fallout that might occur when I showed up in court as a girl. I had grown determined not to let anyone dictate how I should lead my life, and fortunately, mom agreed. We were also going to visit dad. If he understood anything, which we both doubted, it would be the first time he would see me as a girl. My day was going to be traumatic, my worst nightmare in fact, but I knew the sooner I got through it, the sooner I could just get on with life. The courtroom was crowded, but the bailiff seated mom and I near the front. The smell of polish on the fine wood trim did nothing to ease the tension in the room. The families of the wounded and killed officers sat across from us, a look of determined hatred in their eyes. Claire was brought into the courtroom in manacles and handcuffs. She wore a nice gray suit with a yellow blouse, her hair brushed out, and she wore a touch of makeup. Her eyes looked tired, red from the endless crying I'm sure, but she walked in, standing straight up. The murmur of voices rose when Claire walked in, then went silent as the judge walked in, we all stood, then, with a smack of the gavel, the trial began. The evidence was powerful, and there was no refuting it, yet even the DA agreed that yes, it was probable that Claire did not actually shoot the guard, but she was there, committing a felony, a death occurred, and that alone made her guilty of murder. The defense put up a brave and exotic explanation, in his opening remarks, but all to no avail. The trial itself was really quite short. The facts were stated, and with the defense unable deny them, the panel of jurors was out only an hour. I sat there listening to detailed facts of my sister's crime, and sadly, I knew what her fate would be. The press caught up with mom and I during the break, but our lawyer was there, and he spoke for us. I never said a word, while mom cried a bit. The issue of my being a boy in a dress never came up. When the trial restarted and the jury was brought in, the verdict was almost anticlimactic. Claire was found guilty in the death of a policeman. The judge, noting that nobody believed that she actually shot the guard, sentenced Claire to a term of 45 years to life in prison, which meant that with good behavior, she might get out in 35. Claire would be 54, with more than half her life spent in prison. Mom and were escorted out of the courtroom, only to be escorted to the judges chambers! We followed along, then went into his office. Dark wood, the scent of lemon and cigars filling the air. "I am truly sorry for you madam, Claire seemed like a nice girl, but she got up with the wrong guy. I had no choice but to give her a very long sentence." He opened a side door, and motioned for us to go in. "You can have half an hour, then I want to talk to your other daughter if I may." Claire sat at a table, her hands free, but she still wore the manacles on her ankles. Mom and I both hugged her, then I saw Claire smile at me. "You look just darling little sister." I hugged her again, my tears for her, not me. I just could not imagine spending 35 years in a gray box 7 X 12 feet. "Never change Kathy, never, and listen to mom. I didn't, and look at me. I get a trip to the garden spot in hell." I stayed there for almost the whole time, then went to see the judge, leaving mom and Claire alone to talk. The judge had me sit close to him, then showed me the name change papers. "Is this," he asked me in his baritone voice, "what you really want? I mean, you're so young!" "I've been dressing up since I was real little your honor," Then I went on to tell him everything that had happened to our family, and the decision mom and I had come to. The why was obvious. The judge listened carefully, asking me once again if I was sure about changing my name, and when I nodded my head yes, he signed the papers. Mom came in about then, and the judge handed her a copy of the order changing my name. In one day, he had first decimated, then, with the stroke of his pen, rejuvenated our family, He shook our hands, then gave me his card, telling me that he would always be available if I needed to talk to him...about anything. When mom and I left his office, my name was Katherine, and it was legal. When mom and I left his office, my name was Katherine, and it was legal. As we stepped out of the courthouse, we saw Julia and her mother standing there, obviously waiting for us. I wanted to shout out that I was a girl, but that was tempered by Claire being convicted, so all I did was tell Julia rather than shout it out. Of course, she was elated, and hugged me. That's when mom suggested that we get some dinner. Our mothers took us home, and that night, when I undressed, and for the first time, I thought about finding a way to hide Mr. Happy. Up to that point I had always tucked him away, but going to school as a girl, doing things that all the other girls would do, which means that gym classes and showers were in my future. The other girls would expect to see another girl, just like they are, at all times, which of course meant that Mr. Happy just could not be seen, at any time. Never. I thought about ways to hide him, tape of course, but that would hurt, might wash off, or be visible. I had no clue how to hide my tiny manhood, all I knew was that I had to do it. The next day I ran into Bill, the bully from around the corner, and once again he started in on that bully routine of his. I ignored him, and walked over to Julia's new house. The drywall was up, the painters busy painting, the tile guys laying tile in the bathrooms, and there were some guys putting up the kitchen cabinets. Then I walked down to the main street and over to the local drugstore. My first time there I was terrified, that time I was confident, and did not hesitate to walk in the store, then straight to the cosmetics area. I browsed, then went home, the question of how to hide myself still nagging at me. Makeup would not help me with the problem, it was just something to do. By the time I got home, I still had no ideas. When mom got home, I mentioned it to her in as delicate a way as possible. To my great surprise, she had also been thinking about it, and had come up with an idea. When she told me I was at first skeptical, then shaky about letting her try it, but in the end, I agreed, and she made a quick run to the drugstore, the same one I had visited earlier. When she returned, she and I went to my room, a very full ice bag in one of her hands, a small plastic bag in the other. Showing myself to my mother wasn't very high on my list of things to do, but I needed her help, and did what she told me. I undressed from the waist down, sat on the edge of the bed and lay back, holding my legs up in the air. When the ice bag hit me I shuddered from the coldness of it, but when mom made me hold it there, I felt like a contortionist that was into embarrassing, painful experiments. I held it there for what seemed like forever, then, when mom was ready, she removed it and began to manipulate my parts. I couldn't see what she was doing, and while there wasn't much pain, I ached just from the thought of what she was doing. Mom had explained it all to me before we started, but that did not make it any easier, only my desire to look like all of the other girls made it bearable. It seemed like hours, but within a short time, mom said she was done, and with a smile on her face, she helped me stand up. I looked just like a girl! "Kathy, before you get to excited, we have to make sure that you can use the bathroom, so you go in there and try. If the stream doesn't go nearly straight down, I have to know, okay?" "Okay mom, I'll try!" I'll admit it felt strange, but everything went in the right direction, so I pulled on my panties, walking out with a grin on my face. Mom left the room, and I got dressed. Julia and her mother moved in a month later, and by then, I had grown used to not having Mr. Happy between my legs, and I had started to try on shorts, tighter jeans, and even a swimsuit. If I was careful with my hip padding, there wasn't any sign that I wasn't a real girl, which really made me feel more feminine than I ever had before. Julia and I began to stay together more and more often, the sight of her naked body no longer a thrill, especially after the first time she saw me standing in her room, naked as the day I was born. With my groin now like hers, and my breast forms glued on, the only difference was my lack of hips. From that day on I never worried about "passing" in school. Mom and I had selected a new wardrobe for me, mostly skirts and blouses, tops and jeans, but also a few dresses, sweaters and shoes. We saw dad every weekend, without the slightest sign of recognition in his eyes. Mom always left with tears in her eyes, because she knew that dad would never return home. Claire was sent to a prison far away, in another state because of over crowding, and it would be over a year before I saw her again. The eventual completion of my transformation came after I turned 18, but by that time I was mentally a girl in every way possible. During my first year in the new school I did acquire a boyfriend, Wally, a tall, blond hunk that weighed at least 240. Next to him I looked like a dwarf, but he was very nice, and I enjoyed being with him. Mom met someone who was able to help her remove her loneliness, and for the first time in a long time the light in her eyes returned. When this all began, way back when this was all a dream, the only thing I ever thought was, "eventually I'll be able to be a girl," and here I am, a girl, able to let Wally "push her buttons," then, in a very weak moment, touch my sex. That was as far as it went, but I knew then what being a woman was all about. Mom got remarried after I graduated, I went to nursing school, and Julia got married to Bill of all people. Dad died when I was in my first year of college, while Claire aged at least ten years. Life's a bitch, and it will get you down unless you follow your dreams. Eventually, you'll win...I did.