No More Doctor Nice Guy Part 20 (final) free porn video

No More Doctor Nice Guy Part 20 12 months earlier It was only when I heard the front door being unlocked that I realized I'd completely lost track of time. I was sideways on the living room couch, wearing my favourite trackies, (sweat pants) with my legs tucked up underneath me, lost in my own little world. I put down my book, quickly wiped my eyes, and slid off the lounge setting. I made my way to the front door to greet my husband. I did that most days anyway, but I was particularly enthusiastic today as I'd been home alone on a day off, and apart from running a few errands had mostly been starved of human interaction. "Hi," I begin as the door swings open. "How was your day?" "Hey," Kevin replies, fussing over the lock. "Not too bad," he automates. Finally he looks up at me, and after a moment of assessment he grins and says. "Well I guess our honeymoon period is well and truly over." "What?" I'm suddenly self conscious. I assume he means the way I'm dressed. "These are my house cleaning clothes." "Not just that. It's the whole look. With the unkempt hair and the..." He trails off for a moment and when he restarts his tone is no longer one of teasing but one of concern. "Alex! Are you okay?" I'm a little surprised. I was okay. All the more for seeing him. His mocking me was just his way. I didn't mind it in the least. "I'm fine. Why?" "Have you been crying?" Oh shit! Probably not enough just to wipe my eyes and beam a smile. I probably did look shoddy. Was I all puffy and bloodshot? "It's nothing really." "What's wrong?" He's worried. I have to reassure him. I point back into the living room and the couch from whence I'd came. "It's just that." I indicate the upturned book sitting there. He laughs, and his tension dissipates. "That stupid novel. Haven't you finished it yet?" "Just about. I'm up to the bit where Will dies. It's so sad!" I feel a tiny bit teary at the thought of it again. "Oh Babe. It's just a novel." His condescension is kind and he wraps his arms around me. I love it when he does that, and I can breathe him in. "I know." He leads me through the archway and we end up on the couch together. "I've never understood why you do that to yourself. Or anyone does for that matter." "You never read novels back when you were a woman?" "Nope. Not that sort anyway. I had absolutely no interest. I stuck to the classics. I would never have read anything as mushy as that." "I'm not sure if you're saying I'm lowbrow," I joke. "Well what about '1984'? Don't you find that sad? How Winston and Julia have that beautiful secret love and in the end are made to betray each other and finish up hating each other." "No disrespect to..." He picks up my novel and looks at the cover. "JoJo Moyes. But she's no George Orwell." "How would you know if you've never read it?" I gently antagonize. "Well I don't. But trust me. I have no intent of ever finding out." "You could watch the film with me. We could get it on DVD or download. An hour and three quarters and the whole novel is done." "Even that sounds insufferably long..." I smile at that. It induces a memory. "What's with the 'Mona Lisa' face?" My expression clearly intrigued him. "It's just that you sounded exactly like me. From back when I was male," I answer. "Really? How so?" "I saw this movie at the cinemas. When I was Alex Turner. Under considerable sufferance may I say. But I knew it was an effective means to an end. I went on a date with some random chick, knowing full well that it would get her all emotional and needy and I'd get laid." "And it worked?" "Of course." "Geez. We were both such a pair of awful creeps in our former lives weren't we?" Kevin asks without expecting an answer. "We really are much better this way." "We're just generally better together," I say soppily. "Right!" Kevin laughs. "Sounds like this novel's got you all emotional and needy and I'm about to get laid," he continues as he gently shoves me down on the couch. "And I didn't even have to endure the DVD!" I laugh too as he climbs on top of me. "So I'm still sexy in my house cleaning clothes?" I bait. "You better believe it!" he affirms. "But even sexier without them." As he starts undressing me. *** Later, after we'd ended up post coitally naked on the lounge room floor, he foisted me back up onto the couch with him. "The film's never as good as the book anyway usually." He takes up where we left off. "Normally I'd agree with you. But having done them in reverse order I'd say it was pretty good. It helps when the author is one of the screen writers," I explain. "Not always. What about what Sarah Jessica Parker did to that Alison Pearson novel? That was sheer butchery." "Ha!" I exclaim. "You liar!" It's light hearted though. "'I only read the classics' my foot!" "It was one aberration. I thought it might help me understand other women better. Back before I mean; when I felt so emotionally detached." "And did it?" "No. Not at all. Although it made it pretty clear children ruin your life." He chortles briefly. "But what about you? Did the great Dr Alexander Turner cry when he saw 'Me before you' at the cinemas?" "No. He most certainly did not. Like I told you though, he did think Daenerys was hotter as a brunette." "I disagree. Much better as a blonde," he argues. "I thought you like Lily James." I pout. "Oh yeah," he corrects himself just to appease me. "Because I've virtually got my very own Cinderella right here with me. They just must have cut the bit where she's snuggling on the couch naked out of the movie." "Well for that I'm going to cover myself up." I pull myself away from him and go to find my robe. I return draped in it to find him virtually as I left him, except he now has his work bag over his lap, which looks marginally silly. "You know," he begins. "Your little author friend has written two sequels to 'Me Before you.'" "Really?" I'm surprised. "I had no idea." "Yeah well I figured you'd be nearly finished by now." He reaches into his work bag and fishes out two books. "I went and got them for you at lunch time." He proffers them towards me. "Oh Yay!" I say and found myself excitedly hopping on the spot. "This is the best present." I take them from him and hold them contentedly. It's so thoughtful. I didn't even know they existed, yet he went and sourced them for me. "You do know me pretty well," I tell him. "I love you so much!" Present day I draw myself back from the pleasant memory. I suspect this woman, Sarah, if that is indeed her real name, or just another deception, would have thought it a fairly safe bet that no self respecting man would ever had read such chicklit and that she could easily fool her psychiatrist with a pilfered story. But why? The other confounder was her wife that I supposedly seduced away from her. Just as if there had really been a girl named Will, surely if I'd slept with a patient that had the same name as me that would be noteworthy. I'd remember it. Was there truly so many that names were superfluous? Or had the events of the past two years so clouded my memories that I had either forgotten or blocked out those indiscretions from before? I suspected it was more an element of that. Memory degeneration. I had believed for the best part of a month that there never ever was an Alex Turner. It's impressive what your brain will jettison when it flies in the face of your sense of self. Maybe it would come to me. As I tried to piece my memories together still commanding of my attention was the whole aspect of pulling her factitious back story from the pages of a romance novel. Why was such subterfuge even necessary? If she was just out to kill me with whatever weapon was in that bag she could have done it by now. What if there was another reason for her being here. What if this WAS a test? Just in a different way to how I first thought. What if an old demonic friend had waited a few months to see if I would fall back on old ways? And this woman was his agent. What would he do to me if he thought I had? Honestly though it was still all crazed speculation. There were easier ways to find out. "What do you want from me?" I ask, being as direct as I can. It's the first thing I say since she had revealed her name, and her wife's name to me. She seems perplexed by my question. Like she wasn't expecting me to ask such a thing. I would have thought it would seem like a logical query when you discovered you had been repeatedly lied to. "I don't know yet," is her blunt but confusing answer. "I know you got your false identity from a story. Like I told you, I've read it. But it begs the question why? If you want revenge... what are you waiting for?" "Well I was beginning to wonder if you were going to make the connection with the book," she retorts. "It seemed to take you long enough." "You're implying you already knew I read it?!" This was both question and statement in one. "Well yes." She suddenly reaches into her oversized handbag. I brace. Is she reaching for the weapon I suspect she has? A slew of books fall out when she withdraws her hand. The very books we were discussing. "And it's sequels. After all I bought them for you first time around." She declares emphatically. It had occurred to me transiently the moment she said her wife's name was Alex. That she was talking about me. Which would make her...well... you know who. She assumed I hadn't picked up on the prompt so laid down another. She had been trying hard to reveal her alleged identity to me. Too hard perhaps? Which is why I refused to believe and accept it. Especially when it felt like a last minute idea. This wasn't her. It couldn't be. This was an imposter trying to make me think it was her. Not after all this time. Not with all I knew about her new life. She had moved on. She was happy. She wasn't looking for me. Whilst I couldn't say I'd completely come to terms with it, I had accepted the true inevitability that I would never see Kevin again. Neither him, nor the female version of him. No. I was certain this was just Mr Black trickery. More torment just for the sake of it? Which would be cruel, yet certainly not out of character, so I can't be that surprised. Or possibly, hoping to attribute some point to it all, a test like I previously thought. But not with Mike Richards sending a spy to trick me; but Mr Black instead. In fact who's to say this isn't Mr Black? If he can turn me into a woman in an instant then no doubt he can do the same for himself. "I've had enough of this." Frankly I had. "I'm not playing any more games." I turn a bit hostile. "I'm not going to fuck my patients. I'm not going to fuck anyone for that matter. Mr Black saw to that. So tell him next time you see him that I'm completely reformed. So why can't you just leave me alone? I learnt my lesson. How do you not see that?" I only stop my rant for a quick in-draw. "I'm just trying to do my job and find some purpose in life. But I can't do that effectively if I keep looking over my shoulder thinking my past would come back to haunt me." "That's what you want? To forget the past completely?" She seems tentative. And something else. Hurt? Maybe she's feigning it. If this wasn't Mr Black it was at least some she-demon with similar powers. I had been through enough to know I had to be careful what I wished for. It was something Kevin had often said early on. I imagined if I said yes then I wouldn't put it past them to make it so that with one click the past two years would be forgotten. Or replaced with a different version. I doubt they would let me go back to the person I was. Not that I would ever want to. Yet I also couldn't imagine that they'd let me have a more favorable life than I have now. I'd rather remember all that had been to explain me ending up like I had. And I most certainly didn't want to lose the memories of the time I had with Kevin. Bittersweet moments that they were, they were crucial and precious to me. Without them to escape to, like I had moments earlier, my life would be too dire to endure. "Of course not. But I do want to move on. And not live in fear of more repercussions." "Okay," she says slowly, with weight. I remain nervous. And vigilant. I have no idea what's going to happen next. I have to try and not let my predictions of doom get on top of me. "I'll just leave you to it then," she says and gets up. It seems too easy. I'm still expecting something but she turns and walks to the door. She leaves the books scattered on my desk. It's a little odd but I don't want to overthink it. It really does appear like she's going to leave me alone. After she's through the threshold I'm certain of it. I know I should count my blessings but instead I push my luck. "Wait!" She halts; but is silent and her back remains facing me. "Can I please see her? Even if it's only once. From afar." So much for acceptance Alex. You just couldn't leave it alone, I scold myself. I was being pathetic but I didn't seem able to stop. It was the way this woman was leaving; it had a finality about it. The end of Mr Black's reign of terror perhaps? Yet he was my only possible link to the person I had lost. Who I missed so much and fantasised about being able to locate. Honestly it had come from a place of panic. The last possible avenue, as a way to find her, closing for good. "I know you said she has a fianc? and is happy but... well frankly I don't trust you. And if I could see it for myself. That she was content. Then I mean it would help with closure and I can be an even better person then." Maybe that was not that enticing a bargain to a vengeful demon but I wasn't sure what else I had to offer. I think I was just rambling really. She half turns. "Who do you want to see?" she asks quizzically. "Kevin of course. That was part of your premise. Trying to make me think you were her. With the names from the novels and the story about Alex. You know it's my weakness." She is silent for longer than is comfortable. "You think I'm Mr Black?" she asks with a tone of surprise. "No. Of course not. If you were him your comments would be so much more barbed. And your exit would be much more dramatic. I'm assuming you're an associate." I watch her exhale in a deep sigh and her shoulders slump. She doesn't move for a moment but when she does it's rotational. "Alex." She turns fully to face me now. "How can someone who's supposed to be so smart still be so stupid?" "Well that sounds more like Mr Black," I provoke, but when our eyes meet hers are glazed with tears. And I feel like I'm seeing Louisa Clark, or 'Sarah', properly for the first time. The clear liquid welling in her lids just makes her emerald irises sparkle all the more. Just as the Alex Moore version of me looked nothing like Alex Turner at all, this Sarah woman looks nothing like the man I was married to. Yet there is suddenly no doubt in my heart they are the same. It is her. It really is. I'd been too wrapped up in paranoia and conspiracy to allow myself to believe what was inherently obvious. What she was now trying to tell me. But there was still so much about her attendance and her mystery shrouded appearance I simply did not understand. "Kevin?" I tremble it out so unsteadily and uncertainly it definitely makes it appear I don't believe it, even though I feel I must. I feel dizzy and think that I might throw up. "What do you think I've been trying to tell you?" She expresses sad exasperation. "No." I take deep breaths to recompose. Of all the emotions I want to feel right now, for some inexplicable reason anger bubbles to the top of the list. "You haven't. You've used aliases and been intentionally misleading. How was I ever supposed to trust it was you, even when you implied it? Even now?" It was true. Why was she behaving like this? Was she truly here just to see me? Or did she intend me harm? Another adage fulfilled. I got exactly what I wished for; to see her. But her presence was so entwined in inexplicable hugger mugger it was completely bewildering. I kept my guard up. "Alex. Absolutely everything I've done was for a reason." She appears to be apologetic, but also a little aggravated. "What reason?" I challenge. This was not the emotionally charged, joyous happy reunion I had imagined in my dreams, but two people at loggerheads. Doubting each other. Both in terms of integrity and intent. "Well firstly I thought it might make it harder for Mr Black to know I came to you. If I disguised myself and pretended to be someone else. Which may have been an exercise in futility, given how he pertains to be all seeing and all knowing. But so far so good. We haven't been cursed again." I recalled then our first encounter last week. She had been bracing for something bad. Her whole apprehension and unusual behaviour in the waiting room could perhaps be explained by this legitimate fear. "Why would that matter if we saw each other?" Mr Black had warned me away from interfering with her happy life. It seemed unnecessary that he do the same for her. My life was anything but happy. "Because he forbid it!" She unconsciously refutes my assumptions. "You have no idea how much trouble I got into when he found out I tried to contact you in the psychiatry ward." "When?" Then: "Wait!" She means Tim's message! "That WAS you?" "Yes of course. I bribed that poor man to get a message to you. I wasn't sure he was capable of it but he actually became quite fixated. Repeating it over and over. So I thought maybe you would get it after all, somehow or other." "I did." This was unexpected information. "But it had lost a lot in translation. And in the end Mr Black said it was his own doing. As a final test. To see if his brainwashing had worked on me. He claimed he put the ideas in Tim's head." Which I accepted as the truth. I don't tell her that. It's implied I guess. I feel a level of shame. "Well of course he would. He didn't want you knowing that I was trying to reach you. You can't believe anything he says. You know that." "But how did you even get to Tim?" What was she doing? Scouring the community for potential nutters that may end up in Wellness House? That seemed way too far fetched. "You'd be surprised what you can do when you're on the Hospital Board. Under the guise of Departmental inspections." She explains. "You're on the Board?" Since when? How? The last two questions were implied in the first. "Yes," she confirms. "You do remember what I did before?" She reminds me anyway. "I sued Doctors for negligence and malpractice. Blackbrook Hospital were very keen to get me on their side. I had quite the reputation, as a toe-cutter, I'll have you know." "Probably needed you because they put psychiatrists in charge of the ED on night shift," I mumble. "Pardon?" She genuinely hadn't heard me clearly. Which was my design. She had made her way back into the room through the doorway; my low volume comments drew her closer still. "Never mind." "Well anyway." She lets it go. "I was able to keep distant tabs on nurse Alex Ward. Even if I never dared see her. And when she disappeared it wasn't too hard to work out that a psych patient in Wellness under care of a new psychiatrist Dr Black, whose name was Alex Ward was still you. I even had access to your EMR." It all made sense I guess. Medicolegal have pretty free reign in our notes if it defends the hospital. She could look up anyone. She came even closer now. Standing before me. I was glad about that, her plans to leave clearly altered, even if I wasn't entirely sure why. Here we were, two strangers in our current lives, rehashing our past ones. I wasn't feeling a lot of warmth between us right then, but the animosity had mostly dissipated. "I could read your inpatient progress notes as soon as they were typed," Sarah continues. "Mike Richards described all your 'delusions.' Which of course was the story of us. And I could clearly see what they were doing to you, day by day, note by note. Most dramatically in that first week. You can't imagine how helpless I felt. Knowing that you were being made to deny your own existence. Mr Black said we would both be punished if I contacted you in any way. Visual, verbal or written. But I couldn't just do nothing. Every day Mr Black was eroding you away. Eroding us away. So I had to try and reach you before it was too late. Hence Tim." It made sense as she explained it, but it was hard to completely absorb it. For I was distracted and unnerved by the whole concept that this beautiful woman was once Kevin. No wonder she could manipulate men to a whim in her old life. Who was she now though? Was she still like Kevin or more like her original self? As a consequence of my meandering thoughts I'm silent in response. She takes the cue to return to the seat opposite me and continue. "But it appeared my attempts to get through to you failed. My Alex continued to disappear. It completely broke...." She pauses. "Anyway, it doesn't matter now. They kept you for a further 3 weeks. Inventing a whole new identity for you along the way. I mean I still remembered who you were, who you had been, but you didn't. I honestly thought you were completely lost." The memory of it clearly saddened her. She was right. For a time I was gone. But thanks to her I had found my way back again. I know I should tell her that. For some reason I don't. "Then one day Alex Ward disappeared and he made you Alex Turner again," she continued. "I didn't know what, if anything, you remembered about the last 2 years. But I didn't dare go near you after how mad he got with me over Tim's message. Not just for my sake. He threatened to do things to you as well. So I don't know if I've put us in the firing line again. And if I have I'm truly sorry. I tried to stay away. But it has been 9 months. I had to see you." She re-gathers for a moment, and I can tell she is struggling with her emotions. "And that's the other reason I didn't want you to know who I was initially. In case you didn't remember. You've never made any effort to find me. I can't imagine how much a month of psychological torture changed you. If you weren't my Alex anymore, if you were nothing like the girl I was married to, then maybe it was better you didn't know who I was. I didn't like you at all when you were Alex Turner first time around. So I needed to work out who you were now. If My Alex's favorite book and film no longer meant anything to you I kind of felt there was none of the person left that I....." She trailed off. "Well clearly I still remembered....." I begin. "In the end. After I spat clues at you." She expresses skepticism. "Well it was so unexpected. I never thought you would come..." "Because you didn't want me to." She's bitter. I look at this woman. She's not the person Kevin described to me. I don't mean looks-wise. Kevin never said what he used to look like. Save beautiful. And well, she was that. But I suppose what I mean was personality-wise. She was insecure and vulnerable. Mr Black had done that to her. Just as he had me. We weren't the same people now as we were when we were together. I wasn't quite sure exactly what that meant though; right now, and from hereon. "You're referencing the wrong book," I announce. "What?" "I know who we are. We're Winston and Julia. After room 101. After we've been destroyed and our love has been turned to hate." She knows what I'm referring to. Ironic that it seemed to close the loop on the conversation we had after I was crying on the couch a literal lifetime ago. "I imagine that wasn't too hard for you. Given your love was never real in the first place." It's a little spiteful as she says it. Virtually confirming my analogy in one sentence. I don't tell her the truth. That my love for Kevin was indeed real. That it was all of my own creation. Especially when he never felt the same way. But that did now become a bone of contention for me. "You can bloody talk!" I bite back. "Real or not I did love you. And I told you often enough. But you didn't feel anything. In spite of my best efforts I couldn't get you to love me. I guess that possibly says more about me than you. I can only hope that you did learn to love....Sarah. That you do love this man Mr Black told me about. Sam? If that's his real name." "Don't pertain to know what I felt, Alex," she retaliates. "At least my feelings were genuine." "Feelings that didn't seem to stop you abandoning me first chance you got." "I didn't have a choice." "You did. Mr Black said you could choose to stay with me or go back to your old life. And what? You thought about it for the entire few seconds I was in the other room." It was much longer than that; the time I was in the bathroom doing pregnancy tests and contemplating how to tell him the result; I didn't know how long Kevin had been with Mr Black before I discovered them and Kevin vanished; but for melodramatic effect I implied I didn't think it was very long. "There was no choice!" she repeats more adamantly. "Did you get one before you were turned back into Alex Turner?" She was right about that. So maybe that was true. "But truth be told, I was certainly glad not to be a slave to my sex drive any more," she adds, and I take it as a slight. ('Well I'm wondering if you knew I was pregnant when you left me?') There was no reason to tell her that except to be as vicious to her as she was me. She didn't know when she left of course. She couldn't. Had she found out since? It didn't appear so. It seems wrong to accuse her like this and will only lead to more questions I don't want to answer. Memories I don't want to relive. Therefore it is only inside my mind that I drop that potential bombshell. Instead I take a moment to settle my nerves. She is here. Possibly at considerable personal risk. She doesn't have to be. She has her own life now. So I'm just thinking this all wrong. Instead of being all impugned and wounded that she abandoned me and took 9 months to show up, the fact that she did at all should be lauded. As for her camouflage. Well that too is sensible. If I was the Alex Turner she remembered from the first time we met; or someone who doesn't remember our history together at all then an alias was prudent. I was being petty and self indulgent. I had to stop. "Sarah I'm sorry," I begin contritely. "I know you put yourself in danger coming to see me and I'm being a total prat. I am truly glad to see you. I honestly never thought I would. Thank you for being so brave, and thinking I was worth it." As I say it I found myself wholeheartedly believing it. There was every chance I could still be Alex Ward, homeless drug addicted streetwalker right now, if she hadn't fought so hard for me. I need to make things right between us. Cordial at least. "So tell me about your life. How are you?" I try to be chirpy. "How am I?" She's still tense. "Oh Alex. I'm not here for conversational niceties. I'm here because I'm still in love with my wife. After all this time. So I need to know how much or little of her lives within you so I can get over her and move on with my life." "You're in love with me?" I can't help but feel my heart skip a beat. "Not you!" She's pointed. "Her!" "But you never told me." I deflate as rapidly as I escalated. "I did. I told you I loved her and that an evil psychiatrist took her away from me. Dr Black." "Oh God!" She hadn't been referring to me. "I thought you meant I was the evil psychiatrist." "Well I suppose you did take her away from me. But you're not evil." "Thanks for the endorsement. But it's not what I meant. I'm talking about when we were together. I told you all the time how I felt about you. And mostly you said nothing." "Well how could I? Your love was artificial, whilst my feelings were real. I fell in love with you for real. So how could I make myself so vulnerable? It was very easy for you to throw that word around when it didn't mean anything. My feelings weren't artificially created by Mr Black." This changes everything! The time for confessions is now. "That's what I've been wanting to tell you just now Sarah. Mine weren't either." "What do you mean?" She cocks her head quizzically. "There was no manipulation of my emotions as part of the curse. Nor of my behavior as it turns out. Even though I didn't realize it. I assumed wrongly. Everything I did and everything I felt was all of my own doing. That's why the feelings remain long after Mr Black has gone. Feelings that are as genuine as yours." She takes a moment to absorb what I've told her. "Well aren't we a pathetic pair then? Both pining over people that no longer exist. Who technically never existed." I guess my silence is some sort of agreement. But the longer it lingers the less satisfied I am with my capitulation. "I still exist," I squeak out almost inaudibly. "What did you say?" It probably really was the lack of vocal projection rather than the legitimacy of the statement she is questioning but I continue. "I mean, apart from the one obvious physical thing, I don't feel so different, I don't think I am that different, to the girl you left behind." I feel scrutinized then. Sarah is weighing the validity of my comments. "Well you're certainly nothing like the Alex Turner I remember. You're definitely more professional. Ethical and appropriately empathetic......" "You've spent too much time on the Hospital Board, talking like that," I say it lightly. "But you're describing my work persona Sarah," I add. "That's only one aspect of me. Trying to determine who I am in this environment, under this pretense is never going to reveal the truth with any degree of completeness. Just as you coming in here playing a character will give me absolutely no insight into who you really are." "So what do you suggest?" "A different setting. And no pretending. We need to get to know each other again. Maybe we can even cultivate a friendship." God. I'm making it sound like a business transaction. It's nerves I guess. "That's what you're aiming for?" I'm not sure if she's implying I'm setting the bar too low. I'd like to think that's what she meant. But I feel like I'm being wishful. She has someone new. And I can't imagine she'll ever be physically attracted to me as this. I mean it seems she's attracted to men again. But I'm probably not much of one. By general standards. Four months back in a male body and I've not even had so much as a half chub let alone an erection. Not even the random early morning ones males sometimes wake up with. I suspected that Mr Black had rendered me impotent. Purposefully I mean. Which is why I referenced that earlier. Although it could have just been the trauma of it all. Yet the first time I met Louisa Clark last week I'd felt stirrings in my loins. I don't mean metaphorically either. It was physical. This second time there was no such initial reaction. I think it's harder to be aroused when you believe someone intends you harm. (Well in my case anyway.) But with my newfound knowledge that this was potentially my Kevin in a completely different and altogether gorgeous package, I found her even more alluring. There was potential for danger though. Probably more than likely it would be just me making a ridiculous fool of myself foremost. But I had to issue an internal caution. I knew I had to behave honorably. I had told myself all along that all I wanted was for her to be happy. Now I really do get to see that for myself. And I would not disobey Mr Black and screw up her life by making a play for her, which would more than likely be rejected. Additionally, if he ever finds out we have defied him and met maybe he'll he merciful if we conducted ourselves platonically. (I hated that he made me feel like a child in danger of reprimand for bad behavior. But that was the power and ability he had over us.) "Let's maybe get coffee sometime." I don't answer her question. "Some time?" "Well I don't imagine this is how you normally dress. And it probably wouldn't be in your best interests if someone were to see a Hospital Board member coming out of Wellness House in disguise." "Fair point. But I'm certainly warming to this colorful get up. Why? Don't you think it looks good on me?" It might have just been my imagination but it was as if she was being a tad flirtatious when she asked me. "Well you certainly are unique Clark." She smiles, seemingly politely. "It's from the book." I feel the need to explain. "What Will says." "I know. I read it. I read all of them in fact." "Really?" I suppose she had to. "For research into your portrayal? That's dedication." "No. I knew how much you liked them. And when I was back to being me again, I knew I was different. I just didn't know how different. It was a good yard stick. I suppose I wanted to see how much of you had rubbed off on me." "That sounds suggestive," I try to joke. "But your verdict?" "I enjoyed them. I'm not sure I'll ever be quite the hopeless romantic you were, but I think I can confidently say I now have a fairly healthy, fairly normal emotional range for a human being. For a woman." I'm guiltily dubious about her use of past tense. I'm not so sure that it isn't a case of 'are', rather than 'were'. Nonetheless... "I'm glad to hear it," I agree. "I guess that's one of the good things we did to each other. We taught each other how to feel." "Well that's for sure!" Her agreement is one of exclamation. I rush of thoughts infest me. "How do you feel Sarah? Really. I know you came to me pretending to be depressed. Or have bipolar. But are you happy? All I wanted to know in the 9 months since you disappeared, was that you were." Sarah reaches across the desk for my hand. It's only when she gently grasps it that I realize what she's doing. I recoil from her. Her face instantly reflects the wound. "Oh!" I react. "I'm sorry. My boss is looking for an excuse to fire me. He knows I used to sleep with my patients. He might misconstrue." "I understand." She says in a way that makes me think she doesn't. I feel ridiculous. Maybe she does too. Dancing around like awkward teens worried about being caught. Even though we weren't doing anything. Caught by Mike Richards. Caught by Mr Black. One would have far more sinister consequences than the other, but the tension was the same. "I think I better go," she adds. I feel like there is so much left unresolved. I don't want her to go. I don't know what I want exactly, but her leaving is definitely a bad outcome. "Sarah don't," I plead, perhaps too little, too late. "It was a mistake coming here." I need to tell her it wasn't. That we can build something from here; get to know each other again. I'm suspicious she'll disappear and cut off all options of communication. "Well I'll say." It's not me that speaks, but a voice from behind her. I look up, and Sarah turns. It may be my folly but the recurring sinister presence of Mr Black seems to startle me less each time. I can't see Sarah's face now as her back is to me, but I worry for her. "How many times did I warn you, Miss Healy, yet you repeatedly defied me?" Sarah doesn't answer, but I can sense her fear. "Things were going so well for you," Mr Black snarls. "Why would you jeopardise it, throw it all away, for the likes of him?" "You know why." She raises some defiance in spite of her terror. Her voice shakes nonetheless. I don't know if he will understand why, but I feel like I finally do. She has fought for me. Taking a job on the Board, getting a message to me whilst I was locked away and forgotten, and coming to see me, in disguise, and at now quantified risk. These are the actions of someone who cares about me a great deal. No matter who I am, no matter what I am. I doubt I will ever find the likes of such loyalty in my lifetime again. Our souls are now somehow entwined. Possibly for eternity for all I know. As such there is only one possible course of action for me right now. I stand. "This doesn't concern you Dr Turner," Mr Black responds to my gesture. "I know you haven't transgressed. I'm not going to punish you for her misdeeds. I've decided to be fair, as out of character that may be for me. I'm aware you don't want her here." "That's not true," I respond. "I do! The only difference between us is I believed your lies about her not wanting to see me." I direct my attention to her now. "I would have been trying to find you too if I'd have known." "How touching." Mr Black is sarcastic. "But I'm afraid I'll have to cut this reunion short. There is a certain penalty to be administered." Sarah is still seated. Maybe she is resigned to what will happen next. I move between her and Mr Black. "Really Dr Turner? You seriously think standing in my way will have any influence on my powers? If you are hell bent on it it's no bother to me to give you the same treatment as her." "If it means we'll be together then yes." "Oh I don't think so. I'm not sure you two are a good influence on each other." "How can you possibly say that?" I yell. "Look at us! Look at who we've become as a result of our partnership. We have changed so much. Come so far. Done everything you asked of us." "Stand aside Dr Turner. This is your final warning." His tone indicates he's not trifling by any stretch. I don't. Instead I crouch down beside Sarah, who has remained in her chair, seemingly petrified, and I rest my forehead on hers. She leans into it too. "No matter what he does to us, I'll never stop searching for you. I'll never stop loving you." Sarah doesn't respond, she just cries and falls into my arms as I encircle her. "That may prove quite a challenge," Mr Black adds. "When you're not the same species." I guess that certainly got my attention; if he wanted to escalate our fear something as ominous as that was astoundingly effective. "On the plus side Dr Turner, if you do get pregnant again, this time you can have a whole litter!" he mocks. I remind myself Mr Black lies. It's all I can do to stop myself from being overwhelmed with fear just as Sarah is. I don't doubt he's capable of what he's threatening. Yet it doesn't feel like it truly was his grand design for us. He hasn't always implied that he had one. In fact sometimes he had made out that for him this was all sport, in which case of course we couldn't put this past him, but I had to trust my instincts. Who we were, before all this, may not have the most ideal of people. But we were far from the worst humanity had to offer. Randomly selected or not, there had to be a point. It would appear he wasn't done with us, but I had to believe that turning us into animals was not his end game. So whatever was to come could potentially be endured. Regardless; whether I was right or wrong about that, there was no time to lose, and there was simply something I knew I must do. Maybe it was yet further regressive behavior, but back when I was Alexandra I Loved Kevin's masculine energy. The way he naturally was compelled to protect me, as his partner and wife. I felt safe with him. For the past 4 months I had been adrift in a body that was completely a wrong fit, but right now, I'm sure I felt the same compulsion he once had. I wanted to protect Sarah. As my partner and wife. I knew I couldn't really, from what was to come, but encasing her in some sort of protective embrace felt right for the two people that we were. "I love you," I told her. "I love you too," she whispered back. Our lips met then as seemed both essential and inevitable. As the greyness engulfed us I knew we had mere moments left, I had to make each of them last as little eternities. "Oh spare me." I heard Mr Black's voice. "You two make me sick!" As tightly as I tried to hold her I felt her fade from my arms. ***** "Gotcha!" Mike Richards burst through my door, iphone in hand. He takes a picture of me then looks befuddled. Of course I felt eerily similar to the emotion portrayed by his facial expression at that moment but I had to contain and disguise that. Specifically for the sake of my present company and his insidious agenda. I was crouched down beside a now empty chair. I straightened up quickly, able to face Mike eye to eye. There are only the two of us in the room now. Mr Black vanished at the same time Sarah did. "You alright Mike?" I ask, with implication. "What happened to the woman?" He's still uncertain. "What woman?" Even in asking it I was wondering the very thing myself. "She was just here. That patient. I saw you kissing her." "Oh Mike. Are you sure you're not losing it?" Always an effective thing to say to a psychiatrist, I'll have you know! "There's no-one here." I indicate by moving my outstretched arm through an arc of indication. Maybe like a magician might. "And when are you going to drop that old chestnut? How many times do I have to tell you I'm not screwing my patients? I mean why would ya wanna? There all as loopy as shit. I took your advice man. I'm this close to finishing my psychiatry training. I'd be an idiot to stuff it up and get fired now." I draw breath. "Besides I definitely don't need to get my rocks of with patients any more pal. Why do you think I've been doing all those ED shifts? I'm up to my armpits in nurse tail, mate. There's this chick called Jenna. I haven't banged her yet but I've done all the ground work. It's gonna be spectacular." A sufficient enough diatribe to distract him from his mission, I felt, and what he thought he might have seen. ?I don?t want to hear about it.? He says it like he clearly doesn?t. ?You want to know something though Alex. You?re really disappointing. Just a few months back from your retreat, where you were supposed to be all changed and enlightened, and you?re exactly the same as you were before you left.? ?What can I say?? I smirk. ?I guess a leopard can?t change its spots dude.? ?Apparently not.? Mike spills venom. ?I feel sorry for you. You?re ridiculous.? ?I don?t think that?s an ICD diagnosis Mike,? I mock. ?But thanks for your input.? ?I just wish you had the insight to see yourself from someone else?s perspective. I?m not sure you?d be all that happy with what you see.? Frankly I distinctly felt I?d been there done that. ?I don?t believe in wishes Mike.? Now totally a lie. ?Of course it might be interesting to see how I look from that Emergency Nurses? perspective. Maybe I should put a mirror on my bedroom ceiling.? He?s reached the limit of his tolerance. He harrumphs and backs away. ?Reprobate!? he snarls as he leaves my office. He?s right of course. I was. And the fact that I could still be mistaken for him when I portrayed him as a hammed up parody was disconcertingly alarming. I really must have been a bigger dick than even I remember. Enough of that now though. Mike was gone and my thoughts returned to Sarah. What had Mr Black done to her? Where was she? More disturbingly, who was she? Of course the other million dollar question was why on Earth was I spared? I took stock the moment Mike left. I was unchanged. The fact that I would punch anyone in the face if I ever heard them talking about Jenna as I had just done reminded me where my true loyalties lied. Even though it was merely for show I felt guilty about it. Mr Black had taken Sarah away from me again. It wasn?t lost on me how quickly it had become natural to refer to her as that, even though she had been my Kevin for so long. I guess that it?s who she was originally, and on some subconscious level it felt right. I wasn?t in quite so vulnerable state now as the last time she was torn from me. Having just discovered I was pregnant. Yet I was painfully feeling her loss as acutely as before. I had no idea where to start. I circled my desk and slumped back in my chair. It seemed the newly manifest bright red envelope in the middle of my scratchpad was the answer to that. I ripped it open. This was certainly different. Inside was a red card. I reminded myself red was not the easiest background off which to read, but fitting nonetheless, and I could see two lines of ink were inscribed. ?There endeth the lesson.? ?So what happens now is completely up to you.? It was unsigned, but it was clear who it was from. The change in pattern of communication was clearly designed for me to realize that this was the time to take him at his word. As condescending as it may well have been, he was letting me off the hook. He finally, truly was done with me. Which was great I guess, but did nothing to stop me wondering about my former husband?s fate. There is a condition, as described in ?The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows?, (a must read for all psychiatrists), called ?Protagonist syndrome?. This is where one pathologically believes everyone they meet is just a bit character in the story of their own life. Failing to realize that each and every one of us is a complex three dimensional being with their own hopes and dreams and lives to lead. I think I, Alex Turner, definitely had that. Once upon a time. Even in knowing that I wondered, in the context of her disappearance, if Kevin/ Sarah had ever been real at all. Were they just a character construct of Mr Black to teach me what I needed to be taught? Had I fallen in love with a figment of my imagination? No. I refused to believe that. In fact that was the only one true constant in all that had happened. Our love. The journey the last two years had taken me on had so distorted everything I thought I knew. Changed completely who I was, inside and out. Yet it still felt a bit like it was never about me. It was about us. Sarah was somewhere. I knew I had to find her. In fact the more I thought about it the more it felt like I was supposed to. I just hoped I could. 8 months later ?I just can?t believe it.? Kristi?s tone had suitable incredulity. ?You?re a fully fledged psychiatrist now.? ?I know. Absolutely who?d?ve thunk!? I replied with jocularity. ?Then what on earth are you doing here?? She teases. ?Well it?s my favorite MILFs first day back. Well..... Night back. I couldn?t miss it!? ?Watch it Mister. That?s sexual harassment.? ?I know. I did the sexual harassment ilearn package! So I?m officially competent in sexual harrassment.? I snigger. ?Very funny. But what are you really doing here?? ?Well I thought I?d divide my time evenly between the two worst paid public hospital specialties.? ?Oh my heart bleeds. I?m sure you?re not starving.? ?As distinct from your baby tonight?? I tease. ?Don?t you dare guilt me! I?ve been on that god awful pump so much just to get supplies for tonight I?m sucked dry. But my girl won?t go hungry. Marty?s got this.? ?I don?t doubt it. And honestly no-one?s more excited to have you back than me. It just seems so soon! I mean she?s only six months corrected. And you know as much as anyone how hard this place can be on us. So adding Alexandra into the mix.....? It was only after I said it that I was mindful it was probably not my place, as a male acquaintance, to have an opinion on this. I was channeling her female best friend as I spoke. ?Stop fretting Alex.? She had not taken umbrage to my imposition. ?I would have been up all night with her anyway probably. So being here is not going to make me any more tired. And I have to. I?ve used up my Mat leave and my husband?s a school teacher remember. So you bellyaching about your measly two hundred grand a year or whatever is insulting. That?s absolute riches to us.? ?Well now I feel like a dick.? I did. ?That was the idea.? She laughs. ?But I do know why you?re really here.? ?And why?s that?? ?Because you love me.? The tone is jest but the intent is real. ?I do.? I say dryly. ?My own personal stalker.? ?I prefer guardian angel.? ?I assume you specifically asked Meg to be my senior tonight,? Kristi concludes. ?Yup.? ?And how?d that go? A sigh and an eye roll?? ?Sort of. She still thinks I?m an idiot. But one of her less problematic idiots.? ?She?s so astute that woman,? Kristi teases. ?Well Doctor. You get your handover and I?ll get mine. Then the department is ours for the night. To do with as we please.? ?Just like in the olden days.? I think that I meant the Kristi and Alexandra olden days, as distinct from the Kristi and Alexander olden days, which really never got off the ground so much, but she doesn?t question it. We temporarily part. She to the much more formalized nursing handover, me to find Javed, find out as much as I can about the patients in the shortest possible time, then send him home. *** To say I was mindful of my promise to Sarah was an understatement. It haunted me every moment of every day. It ate me up with frustration. But there was no sign of her. It was no surprise, to find out virtually straight away, that no Sarah Healy was ever on the Blackbrook Board or head of Hospital legal counsel. Yet there were inconsistencies. Fraser and Morgan were downright unhelpful as to whether they ever had a Sarah Healy in their employ, but the Law institute confirmed she was registered there right up until about 3 years ago now. Which would have been the time she first became Kevin. So she hadn?t been removed from existence, like we both had first time around, only to be reinserted later, just inexplicably absent for the past 36 months. I wondered if that meant she was still her, only somewhere I couldn?t find her. After a time I concluded I had no idea where to even begin to look. I did though. For many months. Until I just couldn?t any more. I had to decide to go on living. Which was what I was now trying to do. I wouldn?t forget her, but I had to accept that if Mr Black wanted us to be forever apart, there was no way I could circumvent that. So here I was now, with my familiar routine. Living the highly unique life of psychiatrist by day, Emergency department sessional Doctor by night. I?m sure somewhere in the world there might be someone with as obscure a duality as me, but I doubt our paths would ever cross. But from today I had Kristi back in my work life, which made me so much happier, and gave me something else to hope about. *** ?We?re stuck with a patient on the vent. ICU are full.? Javed imparts the glum news to me as he facilitates his own exit. ?Well I hope they sent us one of their nurses then.? Even I know it?s wishful as I say it. ?No. That?s be the problem.? He said in his way. ?If they had nurse they could open bed.? ?Well how are we supposed to manage? We?ll need a Crit care RN to go one on one.? ?Good thing Kristi back hey then?? Javed offers. ?Kristi?? The suggestion seems erroneous. ?Won?t she be in charge?? ?No! Jenna in charge. Kristi first shift back. She ease in.? ?I hardly think managing a ventilated patient all night is easing in!? I?m uncontrollably protective of her. At least I realize it. ?Patient is stable. And fully plumbed. Is no trouble.? (?Fully plumbed? in our language meant both an arterial line to monitor blood pressure and a central line to give drugs and fluids.) ?What?s wrong with them anyway?? ?Ah that?s funny thing. We don?t know. Came in with GCS 3.? (Completely unrousably unconscious ? even dead people, in fact, have a Glasgow Coma Score of 3!) ?We thought..... big brain bleed..... but nothing on scan. Probably drugs.....? Drugs. I glibly mused to myself. Always bloody drugs. ?Course you the psychiatrist. Maybe its catatonia!? ?Trust me Javed. Catatonics don?t end up intubated and ventilated. If they did someone?s fucked up!? Javed laughs. ?Not me!? ?Are they sedated? Paralysed?? ?Nope; neither. I think brain dead. Need to stay alive till morning though. For caloric tests and MRI maybe. Then turn the machine off?? It?s his parting summation as he up and leaves. Oh great. Kristi?s going to spend the whole night looking after someone we?re going to pull the plug on in the morning. I had to check myself from being callous. This was someone?s life ending we were talking about. But Kristi was such a valuable resource needed by those that were still living I felt a little frustration. And for personal selfish reasons, as the rest of the Department was descending into mayhem I realized I would hardly see her all night. It bore out to be true. The most we had of each other were brief communications by Spectralink phone as to patient update, and my promises I would come and review the patient eventually. That slowly became more pressing as the art line indicated haemodynamic instability. Not uncommon in the brain dead as the centres in the brainstem that regulate heart rate and blood pressure can pack it in too. I started with verbal orders of milligram boluses of Metaraminol before instructing Kristi to titer an Adrenaline (Epinephrine) infusion. By 4:30am my team had the department under control and everyone was seen. ?Hey.? I announced as I finally made my way to the Resus bay and Kristi. ?How we going?? ?Well hello!? She?s hammy. ?Nice of you to finally visit.? ?It was a little mad out there.? I state the obvious. ?But it?s good now.? ?Been spending a little bit of quality time with Jenna?? Kristi teases. ?What?? I choose to play dumb. ?She?s single again you know. And I?m pretty sure she still likes you. All the more after I told her you weren?t gay!? ?You didn?t?? But I knew from her tone she bloody well had. ?Oh come on Alex. For God?s sake. Take the Damn leap!? Was she right? Should I? I was painfully aware I still loved Sarah. Or Kevin at least. But how long do I wait? Forever? But now was neither the time or the place for such thoughts. ?How?s our patient doing?? I blatantly change the subject. ?Up to 20 ?mikes? a minute already. How high do you want me to crank it?? Kristi graciously allows me to do so. She knows me well enough to know when I?ve reached my limit. ?So much for a quiet night with a stable patient.? I say. ?Welcome back.? Kristi merely grunts her agreement. I wander to the bedside. ?Oh it?s a woman.? I remark. I?d assumed a man. Maybe Javed had said that. He did muck up the he/she pronoun a bit due to linguistic issues. She had an endotracheal tube emerging from her mouth with associated ties and a nasogastric tube taped to her nostril. There was a flannel covering her forehead and scalp and her eyes were taped shut with surgical tape. What little I could see of her skin prompted my next statement. ?She?s young! How old did you say?? I asked Kristi. I?d been too busy to remember. Again I?d assumed older. Maybe middle aged. Although drugs were still biased towards the young, which might have been why Javed was so suspicious of this causative agent. ?I didn?t. No one knows. We don?t even know who she is.? This was sad. If she was to die in the morning it would be preferable her next of kin knew. And that was quite the understatement. I ascertained whether every effort was being taken to find out who she was, and Kristi assured me that the police were on it. ?What?s with the flannel?? I ask in response to the damp face washer over her head. ?Fever!? ?Panadol?? ?Did nothing.? Another bad sign. Once the hypothalamus loses all control of temperature regulation, you haven?t got long to go. ?She?s not going to survive the night,? I conclude dishearteningly. ?I know.? ?Any sign of life? Is she doing anything?? I knew the answer. ?She?s had no sedation, and not even a flicker. No respiratory effort either. Turn that machine off and it?s over in a minute.? ?What are her pupils doing?? Fixed and dilated I imagined. ?I dunno. I haven?t checked for a while to be honest,? Kristi stated. ?Okay then.? I made indication I would do so. I grabbed a pen torch and peeled the tape back off her eyelid. I had to prise the lid open before shining the bright light into her emerald green eye. The torch fell from my hand. I staggered back from the bed until I collided with an IV trolley behind me and both myself and the object toppled to the floor. ?Alex!? Kristi squealed and raced around the bed to reach me, lying somewhat prostrate where I fell, and attempted to assist me up. ?Alex. What happened?? She asked as she strained to right me. I was of little assistance as all I could think to do was say ?No? repeatedly. ?No! No! No! No! No!? ?Alex!? Kristi yelled it. She was trying to break the trance she could clearly see I was in. ?What the hell?s going on?? It was effective. At least somewhat. I leapt to my feet and dashed back to the bedside. I knocked off the flannel and cradled Sarah?s head in my arms. ?Oh my love,? I groaned with more agony than I thought it ever possible to feel. ?What has he done to you?? But it was rhetorical. I knew what he?d done. He?d all but killed her. Left her alive just long enough to die in front of me. One last cruel action. He knew I would do anything. Try everything to save her. I knew that in spite of all that I couldn?t. ?Alex?? Kristi spoke again. More uncertain still. By now tears streamed off me and onto Sarah. Cool drops steaming on her scorching forehead. ?I know her.? I mumble in reply. ?Clearly you more than know her.? It?s not an accusation, but a voice of grave concern. ?I love her!? I confirm what she has already well ascertained. There is silence. Kristi is processing what I told her no doubt. I am lost in my despair. ?We can increase the adrenaline.? Kristi has gone into problem solving mode. ?Or add another inotrope.? ?To what end?? I practically wail. ?You?ve seen it for yourself. She?s no signs of life.? ?She has a heart beat. And a blood pressure.? ?Waning by the minute. In spite of what we do.? ?You can?t just give up!? ?I won?t. I?ll try everything you say. And more. But we both know how this ends.? I look up at Kristi. Her frightened eyed silence is proof that she does. I return my attention to Sarah. I remove the tape from her other eye. They remain closed. If I ignore the tubes, she could be sleeping. It?s not that she looked different. In fact she looked exactly the same. All the tubing and tapes had rendered her unrecognizable initially; her eyes had made her unmistakable though. ?With all good stories Dr Turner,? Kristi says emotionlessly. ?No-one really knows the ending till it happens.? I swing my gaze rapidly up at her. She?s staring at me. Perhaps even through me. ?Kevin always called you his Cinderella,? she continues. ?But maybe he was thinking of the wrong fairytale.? ?What?? I squeak. Kristi blinks. ?I didn?t.... I didn?t say anything.? Her face is a contortion of confusion. ?Kristi?? ?Alex?? She?s fearful now. ?What just happened?? She stammered. ?What?s happening?? She repeats. It?s her turn now to collapse. She slides down the Resus room cabinetry. More graceful than my crashing stumble but no less dramatic. For a moment it seems Mr Black is planning on taking them both from me. The two most precious people in my world. But why Kristi? She?s completely innocent. Surely he wouldn?t? Then again, maybe he?s making me choose. Between the dying Sarah and the collapsed Kristi. And I do. One of them I can potentially save. The other I can?t. I rest Sarah?s head back down on her pillow and race around the bed to Kristi. Her pulse is slow, weak and thready. It could be as simple as a faint but Mr Black had done something to her. He had spoken through her. Who knows if he?d damaged her. She?s propped up against the wall, so I lie her in the recovery position. Momentarily her pulse strengthens and quickens. Kristi is not dying. It seems it was just an ordinary syncope. But the cause of it was anything but. It takes the better part of a minute but Kristi begins to rouse. ?Alex?? She states the obvious as her eyes open to see me. ?You?re okay.? I move to reassure. I felt confident she was. It didn?t seem like Mr Black was still channeling himself through her. This was my Kristi. I became certain. She studies me for a moment, almost as if she?s trying to work out a difficult conundrum. ?I remember,? she mumbles. ?Who you were.? She looks panic stricken. ?Just take it easy,? I instruct. She?s still coming around, and not making a lot of sense. Behind me the Phillips monitor chimes shrilly. The arterial wave form is considerably dampened, almost flattened. Sarah?s time is up. Satisfied Kristi is out of danger I return quickly to the bedside. I could bolus more Aramine, or increase the adrenaline yet still higher. Add Dobutamine or Milrinone just as Kristi suggested. But in the end it would do neither of us any good. In the ED and ICU every effort is made to keep the brain dead young alive long enough for harvesting, but I could not bring myself to even consider doing that to her. I had to let her go. ?Alex?? Kristi calls from the floor behind me. She has regained the wherewithal to realize what is happening. I don?t turn to her, but it does make me think of what just happened to her. What Mr Black did. The words he had forced her to speak. The ending to the wrong fairytale. Why would Mr Black say that? Cinderella gets her prince. Clearly that wasn?t happening here. Sarah looks pale. Her heart is barely perfusing her tissues now. Maybe it?s the fever residual but her cheeks remain flushed red. Lying there with her dark hair, porcelain pallor and rosey cheeks I suppose she does look a little like... Surely not? It?s seems too fanciful, too preposterous to entertain. Yet entertaining it is exactly what I?m doing. Maybe it?s desperate straw clutching but can I truly be blamed for that? If he didn?t want me to try it, he wouldn?t have said it. I grab a 10 ml syringe and deflate the cuff on the breathing tube. In one motion I rip it from her trachea. Not a cough. Not a splutter. It?s disheartening but sways me not from my self appointed task. The Oxylog 2000 screams in protest at its sudden loss of purpose, as the ventilator tubing crashes to the floor. I plant my lips on hers. I resist the temptation to do mouth to mouth, in spite of my awareness she is not breathing at all. There is still warmth in her lips. Again it could be explained by the peripheral vasodilation her body is undergoing, but I?d like to think it was more than that. I kiss her as best as I am able when the kissee is completely unresponsive. It?s not overly protracted, but I want it to be significant if it truly is to be our last kiss. Then I step away. There are only two possible outcomes right now. The likely, logical, physiological one is she dies. But I no longer believe that will happen. I can only hope I am right. *** Sarah breathes. A big violent gasp suitably dramatic enough to reflect the breaking of a curse. In sequence her arterial pressure shoots up into normal range, then climbs higher under the effect of the infusion, which I quickly cease. I sense Kristi behind me. She?s pulled herself to a stand and I?m not crazy about the idea. I don?t want to take my eyes off Sarah but I feel I must. ?Kristi you should sit at least,? I say after turning towards the bewildered girl. ?How did you do that?? she asks, uncertain and afraid. ?You don?t want to know.? It?s a dry offering. She eyes me suspiciously. I return my attention to Sarah, partly because I feel I must, but also because I feel exposed under Kristi?s stare. We are silent. I fuss over the unconscious girl. What happens now I wonder? Does she just wake up? Or are there more challenges to be faced? Regardless I feel the bent up pall of tension between my shoulders diffuse away. ?Is it real Alex? What I remember?? Kristi asks softly from behind me. ?Hmmm?? I?m only half listening. ?That?s Kevin isn?t it?? she asks gently. I can almost feel my pupils constrict. I spin. ?I told you I remember things. I don?t understand them. But you weren?t always you. You were...my friend!? ?I?m still your friend....? I move to convince her. I?m apprehensive. ?That?s not what I meant. You were my best friend! My bridesmaid. And then you were erased from my memory. From existence!? I think it?s more the whole concept rather than me specifically that she?s frightened of. But fear exudes from her nonetheless. ?It was a curse.? I try to say it earnestly. She?ll either believe me or she won?t I guess. ?And the demon that did it somehow just possessed you. Spoke through you. So I guess that?s why you remember now. He did something to you.? Her look indicates she considers the implausible....well... plausible I suppose. ?The last time I saw you... as you I mean... or the other you...Was the day of the miscarriage. Then you were just gone. Wiped.? ?I know. I remember everything. When I disappeared from you life I spent a month in Wellness House straight after that; as a crazy person. Then I was Alex Turner again. And that?s been for over a year now. As you know.? ?So this is Kevin now? Why is he... why is she dying?? ?She made the demon angry by trying to find me. We were supposed to be apart forever.? ?That seems needlessly cruel. You two are meant to be together. Or you were. When you were.. the other people.? ?That?s what I think too. But both then and now. I thought maybe if I kissed her, it would break the curse.? I feel like I?m stating the obvious. ?It kind of seems to. She?s breathing on her own and I?ve ceased the cardiovascular support.? ?So what happens now? Will she wake up?? Kristi verbalizes my own question. ?I guess. I suppose we just wait.? ?If....if the whole point was to keep you apart then why is she here? In a coma. That your kiss seemed to awaken her from?? ?That,? I realized. ?Is an excellent question.? She had appeared, anonymous and unconscious in my Emergency room. I hadn?t paid too much attention to how and where she was found, if Javed had even told me. Simply because I hadn?t known it was her. I didn?t think it would influence the outcome. The paramedic report would be somewhere, if it wasn?t lost already. I could glean info from that as to how she came to be here. But did it matter? Like everything that happened over the past 3 years it was engineered to be so. Sarah has been returned to me. But in what capacity? And why exactly? I would soon find out I guess, as she began to stir. *** When her eyes open, I?m the first thing she sees. There is a moment of uncertainty, which I interpret as lack of recognition. I deflate. ?Alex?? she squeaks feebly. ?Is this a dream?? ?I don?t think so.? It was a fair concern, but it wasn?t a dream. ?Where am I?? ?At the Hospital. Blackbrook.? ?I?m home?? The implication is that she had come from somewhere else. Far away maybe? ?I guess. Why? Where have you been?? ?On an adventure!? she murmurs. Somewhat cryptically I guess. Then she closes her eyes. ?I?m tired Alex,? she adds. Her lids remaining closed. ?Please take me home.? In moments her breathing is deep and rhythmical. Kristi responds to my look. ?I think she?s just sleeping.? Before I can process a reply the curtains slide open and Jenna is standing there. ?Alex. We need you in cubes.? I?m divided. I can?t ignore Jenna?s request but I daren?t leave Sarah. It feels as if she?s out of my sight she may simply vanish again. ?Go,? Kristi utters to break my stalemate. ?I?ll watch her like a hawk.? Reluctantly I do. There?s still work to be done. And as I noted more than once, the tide of human misery waits for no- one. ***** ?So,? one of the officious reception clerks begins at me. ?I hear you?ve identified our Jane Doe. What are her details for the system?? I give Sarah?s name and Kevin?s date of birth. Mine was the same no matter which Alex I was. I assume that rule applied to her too. ?Address?? ?I..... I?m not sure. Make it mine.? The clerk raises her eyebrows at me but says nothing. My home address is inserted into Sarah?s electronic medical record. ?Next of kin?? ?Also me.? ?In the habit of adopting strays are we Dr Turner?? ?She?s no stray.? I can hear the testiness in my own reply, and so can the clerk, she finishes the data entry in silence. It?s morning and I?ve handed over. Kristi has stayed late to be with Sarah, and has removed her lines and bandaged the sites by the time I return. ?There?s no point trying to explain any of this to Marty,? I hear Kristi comment as I approach the cubicle. ?I liked our blokey beer drinking sessions,? Sarah added, and Kristi chortles softly. ?What was it like?? Kristi then asks Sarah, somewhat more poignantly. ?Being a guy?? ?I feel like I?m qualified to answer that too. So why not ask me?? I remark as I come through the drapes, although that only induces them to both laugh at me. ?Now what happens?? Sarah asks. ?I?ll take you home.? It was ambiguous. ?I mean to my place.? But then I worry how that sounds. ?If that?s okay. Just to keep an eye on you...your health. I could take you to yours. I guess. Is it still yours?? ?I don?t know.? She smirks at my uncertainty. ?Up to 12 hours ago I was on another continent.? ?Oh.? ?Your place sounds fine Alex. I still feel like I?ve been hit by a bus. And I don?t want to chance an encounter or deal with the possibility of finding strangers where I used to live.? ?Okay.? ?Well that?s sorted.? Kristi brightens. ?I?ve got a baby that needs me. So I?m going home.? I feel like I should say something meaningful. She?s had to deal with a lot tonight. But I don?t know where to start. ?I?ll call and check on you both later,? she adds. Perhaps she can see I?m struggling. ?Are you okay?? I finally stammer. ?I?m fine.? ?It?s just that you?ve had to take in a lot...? ?I suppose I have. And it?s not nice knowing your memories have been messed with. But I guess having all the gaps filled it?s surprisingly easy to accept,? she pragmatises. ?Okay.? I?m hesitant. ?I just don?t want you to feel like you?ve been deceived. Or violated in some way.? ?Well I was possessed.? It?s said lightly. ?That?s not what I meant. I mean I didn?t exactly lie to you as such. But I knew stuff I otherwise shouldn?t.? ?Like how you knew I was pregnant before I?d told anyone. At least it?s explained now.? ?Well that feels like a minor example.? She reaches for my hand. A move seemingly designed for reassurance. ?As I see it there are clearly two different Alex?s.? She begins. ?The rude prick I met a couple of years back. And the person who?s been my friend ever since. You may look different to the girl in my bridal party, but otherwise you?re still the same.? ?Thank you Kristi.? It?s a lovely sentiment. (I hope Sarah feels the same.) ?Look after each other. I hope he doesn?t come back.? ?So do we.? I presumptively answer for both of us. Kristi leaves, and as Sarah is still technically my patient I facilitate her discharge right after, and we heads towards my apartment in Hawfield. *** ?So when I went back to being Alex Turner again my apartment, my car, everything really, was back how it was.? I explain as I approach the front door. ?It looks swish,? Sarah remarks vaguely, as she surveys the complex. ?It is a bit. I guess that was important to me back then. Not so much now.? ?No longer trying to impress the ladies?? ?No.? Well maybe just one, but I daren?t say that. ?But not so reformed as to give it all up and live in a grass hut?? ?Apparently not I guess.? ?Well I suppose I don?t blame you. Having just come from one of those I really have to say it?s not a lot of fun.? ?Oh God. Where on earth did he send you?? I?ve unlocked and opened the front door but turn to her in response before we set inside. ?Not now Alex. I don?t want to talk about that.? ?Are you alright?? ?Uh-huh. I?m just really tired.? ?If you need to sleep I?ll show you the bedroom. I haven?t got around to setting up the guest room. Back before, when I.... it seemed like a bad idea to have alternative bedding. Give them no option if you know what I mean.? I feel embarrassed. ?I?ll use the couch for now, and I?ll sort out something today after I?ve had a nap.? ?I don?t really want to be alone right now,? she says I as I lead her into the hall. But I don?t reply. Sitting on the Hall table, where I sometimes throw my mail, such that I get nowadays, is a letter I didn?t put there. ?Oh shit!? It?s a red envelope. Like the last one only larger. A small package even. It has Sarah?s name on front. ?What?? Sarah is oblivious of course. ?That letter. It?s for you. It?s from him.? ?Should we not open it?? She looks quite frightened. ?Should we destroy it?? ?I feel like that might only bring us trouble. Do you want me to open it?? I offer as I pick it up. ?No. You?re right. It?s not like we have any control over the outcome.? ?It?s like that show from the olden days. Quantum somethingorother. Where the dude just bounces from life to life. That?s us it seems.? ?I hope not.? She tears the envelope and pulls out a leather object. It?s a red Oroton ladies wallet. I recognise it as I had something similar back when I was a person who needed a ladies wallet shoved in my handbag. Inside it is a licence and various store and credit cards. They all have Sarah?s name on them. ?Well that?s a good sign,? I offer. ?You?ve got all your cards and ID back.? ?Sort of,? Sarah replies. ?I never had a purse like this though. And look...? She hands me her licence. The photo looks fine. It?s her. I was momentarily worried it might be someone else. I look up at her in an attempt to elicit her issue of concern. ?The address,? she says. It?s this address. My address. ?Seems like I live here.? So it does. ?Oh. I wonder if that?s my fault. I gave the clerks at the hospital this address as your address. Maybe it?s some sort of magic.? ?I don?t think so Alex.? But she doesn?t scoff. ?I think this is Mr Black giving us permission to be together.? ?I don?t want or need his permission,? I retort snappily. ?Yeah. We kinda do...? She?s deadpan when she disagrees. ?But this is surely his consent.? ?Is there anything else in the envelope? A snide remark or cryptic comment?? All good things, they say, including cynicism, in moderation. ?Nope,? she says after looking. ?So you really think this is it?? ?Well I expect it?ll take us a while to stop jumping at shadows. But yeah, I do think so.? ?So now what?? ?Well rest is still at the top of my priority list. Kristi said I nearly died. You have no idea how much that tires you out.? ?Yeah. Funnily enough I do. I nearly bled to death one....? I stop short. I guess my regret showed on my face because she saw I?d unwittingly started a line of conversation I most certainly did not want to have. This seemed paradoxically, to induce in her, a burning incentive to have it. ?When?? ?It?s not important.? ?I know my wife well enough to know when she?s lying to me. Even 18 months down the track.? ?I?m not your wife.? ?Well frankly that?s semantics. So tell me Alex. How did you nearly bleed to death? Were you stabbed? I used to worry about that every time you went off to a nursing shift. All those Code greys and Code blacks and so forth. There was barely a day go by without some story.? Code greys meant violent patient. We?d usually get a dozen a day of them. Code blacks meant armed assailant. These were a little rarer thankfully. ?No. Not stabbed.? I attempt to laugh it off. ?But like you said Sarah. Now?s not the time? ?I?m not going to be able to sleep till you tell me. I?m sure being an Emergency Doctor is just as dangerous as being an Emergency nurse.? ?Depends on the Doctor. Some of them hide at the first sign of escalating behavior.? ?Don?t avoid the subject.? ?Ok! fine.! No. It wasn?t a work related assault. Satisfied?? In my comparatively short time as a nurse I was bitten, scratched, slapped, choked and punched. As well as all other manners of physical and verbal assault. Like Jenna had reflected, the number of times I was called a C word in my working day would be rivaled by few professions. I suppose Parking inspectors might be one that comes to mind. These things had happened too, as a Doctor. But with less frequency. I knew part of it was a work role, length of patient contact thing. But in at least equal measure was the being female thing. I was reminded then it was a very female thing that nearly lead me to bleed to death. ?Then what?? She was still on it. I was backed into a corner. There was no point trying to remain tight lipped with an inquisitive lawyer hounding me. ?The day Mr Black first took you away from me. You know... back when you were Kevin. I found out I was pregnant.? Well she?d find out one day somehow or other, I just wasn?t sure this was the right way. Sarah?s mute attentive shock is to be expected I guess. ?And?? Her face darkens when she regroups. ?I was all set to be a single mum it seemed. Worried about how I?d support us but set to try. Kristi was a great support by the way. But I got to a bit over 16 weeks when I had what we?d call a spontaneous incomplete abortion. Or what you?d call a miscarriage.? Sarah doesn?t speak. ?Anyway. I bled like a hose and went into cardiac arrest from loss of blood volume. I needed the massive transfusion protocol and an urgent D&C to save me.? I knew I?d lost her in the jargon. I think I?d done it intentionally. I continue to fill the silent void. ?Then the next day. Mr Black whisked me away to the psych ward. Where he convinced me I was mad. That there was no you, no baby, and that I?d never ever been a man to boot. After that, the rest you kind of know.? ?Oh Alex......? I don?t want to express the emotions I feel. I realize it?s because I don?t want Sarah to see them. As ludicrous as it sounds I don?t want her to think me unmanly. I feel like she needs to think me worthy of her. I certainly don?t feel it. ?I?m sorry. I shouldn?t have told you. I?m mindful she was your baby too. This is not how you should be finding out.? ?I wish I?d known. I wish I?d been there for you.? ?Mr Black had engineered it that you wouldn?t. He spirited you away just as I was about to tell you. I don?t think it was something he expected, and I feel like he rushed to intervene.? ?Did he cause the miscarriage?? ?I dunno. He denies it. If he did then why?d he wait 4 months after you were gone?? ?Hmmmm,? is all she replies. ?Anyway. Enough about that. You?re tired. You should rest.? Perhaps what I hated most about the miscarriage, beyond the physical stuff was that Mr Black had deprived me of the right to grieve by convincing me I was psychotic. When Kristi had her girl I was distinctly reminded of my loss. But even then I was contending with the mysterious Louisa Clark and her uncertain intent. I suspect that my soul had never completely resolved the issue. ?Are you okay Alex?? No. ?Yep. It?s in the past. And it happened to a different me after all.? ?Okay then.? Is she suspicious I?m lying? I could have told once. Like she said. We once knew each other well enough. But I lacked her confidence with regard to now. In fact we were so different now to how we were I wondered if there was any bond between us left at all. Just because Mr Black is allowing us to be together doesn?t mean she?d want to. ?You don?t have to stay here. Once you?re feeling better I mean. Financially I can help set you up independently if you like.? If I put the emotional shutters up, and make her leaving seem like my idea, perhaps it won?t hurt as much when she does. ?Why?? Because you?re a beautiful intelligent woman and could have anyone. And anyone would probably be a better option than me. ?Three years ago Mr Black forced us together. We had no choice. And he?s kinda done it again. If your ID is anything to go by. So I?m just saying you don?t have to... You don?t have to feel trapped. Or obligated.? ?Yeah, maybe you?re right. Do you think I should be grateful my license doesn?t say ?Sarah Turner? and we were forcibly married again?? ?I guess. Although you don?t strike me as the change your surname type.? ?Unlike you Mrs Moore?? Her gist is teasing rather then denigrating. ?I guess I?m an old fashioned gal,? I retort. ?Well if that?s true, old fashioned gal, then wouldn?t it be relevant to you the fact that I don?t seem to recall us ever getting divorced. Doesn?t that make you still my spouse?? ?I.... What are you implying?? ?Alex. Where do you think I?m going to go? Where would I want to go?? ?I don?t know. I just thought...? ?Then stop thinking. I told you already. I am home. You are home.? ?Really?? ?Oh Alex. I would have thought by now you would have found some sort of balance between both old versions of you. Neurotic insecure woman versus arrogant objectionable man.? ?I have. It?s just with regard to you.....? ?So my wife still goes all gooey in the head at the sight of me?? ?I guess.? ?Take me to bed Alex.? She laughs. ?Just no funny business till I?ve slept for.... I dunno... another 24 hours. And had a shower.? ?And cleaned your teeth?? ?Yes. My mouth feels wretched after having a plastic tube shoved down it.? ?I bet.? We clamber into bed in the clothes we?re wearing. Both too exhausted to change. She lies on her side but pulls me in behind her. ?I?m sorry you lost the baby Alex.? She murmurs sleepily to further our conversation. ?Maybe when we?re ready we can try again.? I?m surprised. For someone on the brink of sedation her words are like a stimulant. ?But you said you thought kids ruin your life.? ?Of course you know I?ll blame the former me for saying that.? She mumbles. ?Even though I still think it?s kind of true. But there?s nothing I want more than to ruin my life with you.? In the brief time it takes me to formulate a response to that I hear her snoring gently. I secure the sheets around her and find myself reflecting. Well that?s one thing that hasn?t changed about the love of my life I guess. There?s probably still so much we?ll need to learn about these new versions of each other, but she certainly hasn?t lost her ability to fall asleep at inopportune times with consummate ease. It?ll take me much longer, but when I do; happily; she?ll still be in my arms. The End.