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No More Doctor Nice Guy Part 13 free porn video
No more Doctor Nice Guy Part 13
I awoke in a ward bed. I was completely disoriented. Bad enough not
knowing where I am. But as usual there was considerable doubt as to
who I am.
I made the rapid assessment that I was still me, (at least the me I
now defined myself as) and that I'd appeared to have lived through my
disastrous miscarriage.
Although I wondered whether I would I even know if I'm actually dead?
My life just gets more and more hellish by the moment. I could have
been roasting away in Hades this whole time, like I had previously
considered.
But I knew it wasn't completely true. My life with Kevin was far from
hell. It was the happiest I remember ever being.
Right now though, it appeared to be the antithesis, for it felt
undoubtedly like the saddest.
I had lost my unborn baby; and maybe my uterus too.
I couldn't tell. My vagina hurt and I had a strong gnawing pain from
deep inside my pelvis.
I suppose that intense degree of discomfort was a strong indication I
was alive.
I was surprised I had survived. Meg must have got the clots out in the
nick of time and I imagine I'd been stabilized enough to rush to the
operating theatre.
There, I'd either had a Dilatation and curettage (D&C ) or a
hysterectomy. (Removing the whole uterus.) A big difference I know but
really there was no way to be sure what had been done. Even feeling my
own tummy didn't really help. The lack of an abdominal wound didn't
preclude a hysterectomy. They could still do it transvaginally. I
could feel that I had a blood filled pad between my legs but I would
have had that no matter what was done to me.
For someone who 12 months ago didn't have a uterus and would never
have expected to, I was stunned by the devastation I felt at the
thought of the loss of it.
I could never have a child now if that was the case.
I felt just as many women must at the thought of that outcome. Hollow.
Empty. Sad.
I still couldn't imagine being with anyone post Kevin, but my
fertility was a separate thing to that.
Somehow I felt less of a woman if I couldn't bear a child. I could try
talking myself into realizing how utterly absurd that all was, but
right then it was the sentiment that was most truthful.
I felt more tears of despair well, and given I seemed to be completely
alone I allowed myself to sob openly.
More blood, a unit of packed red cells, hung beside the bed, flowing
into me. I wonder how many I'd had. All these donors giving it in good
faith. How would they feel if they knew it was used on the likes of
me?
I cried alone for a good while. But when someone did come it was the
only person in the world I really wanted to see right now. Well one of
two I suppose. But the other person was never coming.
"You're awake?" It may well have been stating the obvious but I feel
like we both saw the need for Kristi to say it.
I beam at the sight of her, even though my face is still wet with
salty streams.
"What happened?" I ask non specifically. But she'll know what I mean.
"Meg stopped the bleeding. But you lost output for a while. You got
CPR and everything. I honestly thought you were gone."
It explained why my chest ached so. I hope they hadn't cracked a rib.
Suddenly I thought of Stanley. Fuck! He was on today. That little
creep. The thought of him seeing me naked in the ED made me sick. I
wonder if he'd had pause to comment on whether my tits wobbled whilst
they did chest compressions on me. If my soul wasn't so crushed I'm
sure the revulsion would overwhelm me.
Of course it wasn't just him. It was an equally disturbing thought to
think a sizable proportion of my work colleagues had now seen me
completely nude. And worse than that. With blood flowing out of my
vagina like something from 'The Exorcist.'
How can I ever face these people again in a professional capacity? Oh
God! I really couldn't bear to think about it.
"How long?" Was I technically dead, if I was to be specific. I needed
to distract myself with information.
"Couple of minutes I suppose. Once we got blood back into you though,
you came back, sort of."
It seemed like a fair while. I certainly didn't see any light to drift
towards. Not that I recalled anyway.
"Sort of?" I sought clarification.
"Well you didn't wake up, not really, and you were barely hanging on,
so we intubated you and rushed you to theatre."
"And then?"
"I'm so sorry Alex. I don't know what to say."
"So a hysterectomy then?" I felt numb at the revelation.
"What? No!" She looked puzzled. "Oh No! I'm so sorry you lost the
baby. They did a D&C and scraped all that was left out. They think
everything'll be okay down there."
I started crying again. I didn't know if it was from relief or
bewilderment.
Kristi hugged me tight. It was exactly what I needed and I knew I'd be
very reluctant to let her go.
"You poor thing," she said. It felt like a truism.
I was indeed a poor wretched thing.
We stayed silently embracing for a while but I could sense Kristi was
beginning to feel restless after a time. Something was on her mind.
"Why did you say what you said?" She separated from me slightly and
looked at me sternly.
"What?" I was confused.
"When you thought you were dying. I suppose when you were actually
dying. Why would you think we'd let you die. Why would you want to?"
It was an unexpected question but certainly a fair one, and it
awkwardly grabbed my attention.
At the time I thought I had fairly good reason, and I wasn't sure if
it was still my desire or not.
I had lost everything.
Pointedly though, the irony wasn't wasted on me.
Barely over a year ago I'd wanted to kill myself because I was Kevin
Moore's wife. Now I felt the same way because I wasn't.
I had to give Kristi a justifiable answer.
"Oh. I guess losing the baby. Realizing that I had. I was so overcome
with grief it kind of made me so sad I couldn't see a future."
Kristi accepted that for what it is. "I know it's tragic but what good
would you dying do?"
"I don't really have a purpose any more." I vocalise my cognition.
Kevin was gone. The baby was gone. I figured Mr Black was done with me
now, which at least was a good thing. But here I was, stuck like this
and with absolutely no vision of a future.
"Nonsense!" Her version of tough love I guess. "You had a purpose
before you were pregnant. And I know it's a great loss but you can't
just give up."
"I won't. Not now." I don't feel any truth in what I say, but it will
appease her.
"And if everything heals up like they think. One day. When you're
ready. You could still have a child. Or a family even."
"I cant even contemplate that now." Which was true. But I feel the
urge to give or more.
"It wasn't just the baby though. I also, I guess... wish the baby's
father was here."
"You said he wasn't around any more." Kristi expresses her puzzlement.
"He isn't. It doesn't mean I don't miss him."
"Alex!" she exclaims. My best friend realises there is much I haven't
told her, and follows the lead I gave her. "I thought he was like a
random stranger or a one nighter. But? But he was more than that?"
"It's complicated." It seemed so strange to be talking to Kristi about
this. About Kevin as a stranger. When she had once known him so very
well. This reality bending of Mr Black's messed with more than just
me. Frankly it fucked with everyone.
"What sort of complicated?" Kristi pursued the topic. "Why did you
never mention him? Was he married or something?"
Well yes. He was. To me. But that would be far too difficult an
explanation, to someone who would never believe it.
"Yes he was married. And I loved him." I settled with that.
"Geez." She expresses a little hurt. "I know you need to keep affairs
clandestine but not even telling me? Especially when you were clearly
emotionally invested. But I take it he what? Told you he didn't love
you and went back to his wife."
"Well yes. He went back to his old life I guess you could say." I
don't feel particularly clever with my distortion of the truth, but it
will suffice.
"Bummer! I'm sorry. Did he know about the baby?"
"No." It's a glum assessment. "I suppose that's good now though."
"Maybe." She's at a loss of where to go.
After a period of silence she says simply. "Please don't ever talk
about dying again."
"Okay." I appease. "I won't."
"I'm so sad. But at the same time so relieved. To think that you
almost died from being pregnant. It's so scary. It just shouldn't
happen."
I swallow hard.
I suppose Kristi's blinkered view is a reflection of her concern for
me. It's sweet really.
And she's right. It doesn't happen 'here.'
But I knew from my studies that globally over half a million women die
annually due to complications of pregnancy and childbirth.
Kristi is right of course.
It simply shouldn't be that way. But it is.
I was very fortunate I guess. I lived in the industrialized world and
happened to have my late miscarriage in a hospital.
I cannot share these observations with her.
She's still in the danger period. There is nothing to be gained by
terrifying her.
"Yes," I reply. And it's hard to completely hide my cynicism. "I'm
lucky."
We settled into a prolonged companionable type silence after that.
Her company was wonderful, but it still didn't stop me from internally
wallowing. The last tangible piece of proof that the man I loved ever
existed at all was gone now.
Maybe that was why? Perhaps my baby couldn't exist in a world where
her father never had. Her or his, I suppose. I never found out. I just
couldn't refer to her as an 'it' right now.
But why get to 16 weeks then, if that were the case?
Miscarriages aren't supposed to happen that late. I was pained by the
guilt of it being potentially something I did. I couldn't think of
anything though. I'd done all the right things. Avoided sushi and soft
cheese and all that stuff.
I knew enough to convince myself that ultimately sometimes it just
happens. Some sort of congenital anomaly possibly.
There will be an attempt to ascertain that, but because the
miscarriage was before 20 weeks she won't have any sort of identity or
memorial.
She'll just be examined in a histo lab for genetic defects and thrown
into biowaste. It seemed cruel. And wrong. And just compounded my
suffering.
I dared not tell Kristi these were the awful reflections I had, again
given she was 9 weeks pregnant herself.
Things just seemed so despairingly desperate.
It was true what I told her. I had completely lost my purpose for
being. Primarily as a result of the events of today, but partly
because of what had already transpired. Still, trying to heed her
words I began to speculate what the future did in fact hold for me
now!
I grasped at the potential positives.
I could continue nursing, which was my vocation, and gave me a high
level of fulfillment.
I could possibly still have children in future.
I could find someone new. Zac Smith showed me how easy that could be;
too easy perhaps. It didn't feel that way now, but there may well be a
time when it's what I want.
But trapped in this moment I truly couldn't see beyond it, and felt
strongly that it would have just been better for everyone if I had
have died.
There seemed to be no end to my infinite tears, but Kristi seemed to
just patiently endure them all.
She had to go home eventually though. I felt that she should rest,
just as I suppose I should. I didn't want to be left alone with just
my mind but I still was so weak. I predicted I was still somewhat
anaemic (although the blood transfusion was an unsubtle clue!) And
dying seems to take a lot out of you it has to be said.
I hoped I would feel a little better after more sleep.
She gave me a hug and a kiss and went home to her husband.
It was an ordinary goodbye.
Sometimes you just don't know that you'll never ever see that person
again.
Maybe it's better that way.
...
I imagine I slept for a few hours but I awoke to the presence of
another visitor.
As he came into focus I felt too defeated to scream or even mount a
decent fear response. I was at such a low ebb I was the most
defenseless prey imaginable.
"Please," was all I could meekly say to him. It was a most mournful
beg. "Please no more!"
"Oh, Alex dear!" Mr Black said with what appeared to be his stock
standard sly grin. "We're just getting started."
TBC
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