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Chapter Twenty Nine Week thirty four and we had still heard nothing from our policeman friend. We talked to him on Monday and he said that he would talk to his old colleagues to see what progress had occurred. On Thursday we had a call. He had spoken to the chief inspector friend that he had passed the information to. He in turn had taken it to his boss who had got excited by the prospects of a prosecution. His boss had been in discussions further up the line and everything had gone quiet. These cases take quite a time to go through and I should not worry. He expected to hear something in a week or so. As the week went on I could sense Sam getting more and more anxious. She was quite snappy to be around. I was worried what I had done wrong. At the weekend Mike was not seeing Liam so we were on our own. Mike asked if I would go walking with him in Richmond Park and then a meal and a visit to Richmond theatre. It was a lovely afternoon and evening. We walked hand in hand through the day. Every now and again we would take a rest lying in the grass. It seemed that whenever we did, our lips would meet and time would pass. The meal was good and the theatre was fun. After the theatre we sat in Mike's car and snogged like a couple of school kids. Mikes hand tentatively wandered to my boobs and I was delighted when he started squeezing caressing and playing with my nipple. If I had been able, I would have been tempted to have sex with him there and then. I loved it. I loved his strength, his gentleness, his need, his smell, his taste. I loved everything about him. When we parted and I went for a taxi I was looking forward to when we could meet and kiss again. I was not so full in my retelling of all that had happened and how I felt when I got home. I was not sure enough myself. I knew that I had not been Tom for days. Week thirty five and Sam's fidgets were getting worse. The days passed and Sam started counting. One day late became two days late became three. I was starting to get excited but I did not want to count any chickens. We had bad news during the week when our policeman friend told us that the case against Justin and King-Smyth seemed to be going nowhere. Somewhere at a senior level a decision had been made that there was no viable case and that King-Smyth was a model citizen. There was a suspicion that there was a Masonic link that had been called in. The collapse of our case was depressing but the next event was horrifying.. It was the worst experience of my life. Sam and I took it in turns to pick up bits and pieces from the local shops. It was mid afternoon and I was on my way back home with the shopping, no more that a few hundred yards from the house. A van screeched to a stop beside me and the side door opened. I suddenly found myself being dragged into the van by a couple of huge guys. I was hampered by the shopping bags but I fought as hard as I could. They were strong and I had lost too much muscle. I drew blood from two but all it got me was a barrage of punches that left me bruised a dazed. I was told that Mr Justin was sending me a message. I had been a naughty boy hacking for information about his business arrangements and taking it to the police. One of the goons ripped my blouse and pulled my bra off. "Ooh look, she's already got her own titties." With that he started mauling and pinching them, I could just stand the pain. "Mr Justin is most disappointed in you. He asked us to show you how your life is going to be when you start working in the Thai brothel." With that I was held face down while the third cut my jeans down the back and then ripped off my knickers. I felt the man's huge weight on top of me and then excruciating pain as he thrust his erect dick into my arse. He must have been getting great pleasure from what he was doing because he was as hard as rock when he tore my sphincter muscle open. I was in agony as he thrust and thrust inside me until he came with a massive shudder. With that he roughly withdrew from my arse, slapped my bum and said thank you for a great shag. The second man then thrust inside me. The initial pain was less because I was lubricated by my blood. As he went on the pain continued to build. When he finished, he told me that if I spoke a word to the police then it would be Sam that they picked up next time. I was crying with anger, pain and frustration. If I could have got free I would have killed him. I was dumped on a deserted street with blood flowing from my rear end. I was in pain and in shock and half naked below the waist. I was bruised and shocked. A passerby called an ambulance and I ended up in the local accident and emergency. I had to explain that I was a pre op transsexual and that I had been raped. I said that I did not want the police involved and they were surprisingly sympathetic. I was told that my rapist had used a condom so that I was probably safe from infection. They cleaned me up and assured me that the tares would heal and although I had been badly stretched there may well be no long term damage. They had put a couple of stitches in the tare in my rear end. I had plenty of bruising about my face, body and rear end. I called Sam and she was horrified when she saw the state I was in. I waited till we were alone before I explained what had happened. My confidence and self belief were shattered. I felt dirty and soiled. A large part of what was left of Tom, died that afternoon. Sam took me home and nursed me. I had a long shower, trying to scrub the feeling of dirt off me. I felt small, vulnerable and useless. How could I protect Sam if I could not even look after myself. I was no longer the fearless scrum half who would take on the world. We had hit a brick wall. Justin or his friend must have been tipped off by someone senior in the police. We could get nowhere with the law. It would appear that the only solution now would me having a love affair with Mike. I was not sure that I could cope mentally, physically and emotionally. I just wanted to hide from it all. I did not do any work for the rest of the week while Sam tried to nurse my mind back to health. My self confidence had taken a battering. I called Mike and told him that I had been in an accident and that I could not see him at the weekend. I did not want any sexual contact not even with Sam. As the week went to Sunday, Sam was getting excited. She was late and she was always as regular as clockwork. Week thirty six and I was starting to come round. I was in a fair bit of discomfort but I went back to work. Cuddles with Sam were a comfort, but the idea of sex was not something I could handle. Sam was getting more and more excited with every passing day. I had stayed glued up for a while now and neither of us commented on it. Mike had been on the phone daily wondering how I was. Sam suggested that I should meet with him at the weekend, but I was not keen. Sam was spending a lot of time in heart to hearts with Martin. I was getting jealous. Was she telling him things about her feelings that she was not telling me. In the end I could not keep quiet any longer. I told Sam that I was uncomfortable that she was talking to Martin and not me. She gave me a long hard look. "Yes I have been talking to Martin and it is probably better that I don't discuss some of it with you for now." "Share with me Sam, no secrets." "Ok, I am now significantly late and I want to be pregnant. I did not want to keep unloading on you about it. Secondly I am extremely jealous of Mike. I hate the way you are obviously falling for him and I'm worried that I am going to lose you to him. The third thing, and the thing I know you do not want to hear is that I have been getting as horny as hell for a while now and I don't know what to do about it. I am lusting after a hairy smelly man with a big dick with whom I can have uncomplicated basic sex. No holds barred and no strings. Well you asked so there it is." "OH. I know I have not been much cop as a male lately." "No, for no fault of yours you are much more girl than boy now. You have just gone through a horrible experience and it is not fair to put any pressure on you. I love you to death and I don't want anyone but you, but I need a good rodgering. I feel that as soon as I know that I am safely pregnant, then I need a stud to see to me. I'm sorry but you asked. That is why I was talking to Martin and not you." That certainly left me with something to think about. I was left feeling somewhat battered and bruised. Sam came back to me and pushed me about Mike. We had less than sixteen weeks left. We had failed with the police, so now I had to go after Mike. I was being pushed towards my fate. I phoned Mike and agreed to spend the afternoon and evening with him on Saturday. He was happy as a sand boy. Martin asked why we had dropped the police route. When we told him what had happened he muttered about contacts he had made in Europe in his old job. As the week went on Sam was getting more excited, she was still late. On Friday she took a pregnancy test and came out with the biggest smile I had seen on her face for ages. "We are pregnant we are going to be mums. Oh Jen, lets drink a toast to the lovely Tom and his sexy sperm. We have done it. We now have an additional reason to stay out of Justin's hands. We are going to be mums together. I reckon I must be about four weeks pregnant. I thought my breasts were a little sensitive. I was worried that it was my period." It was the best possible news amidst all the bad news we had been subject to. We decided to tell no one until Sam was two months pregnant, just in case. We made a first appointment for Sam to get a check up to confirm everything and check that all was OK. During the week I had one of my monthly sessions with the psychiatrist. To date these sessions had not been a problem. I was obviously becoming a lot more feminine. I dressed in female clothes and presented myself as female. Physically and emotionally, I was becoming more what I had pretended to be. This visit, however, nearly ended with me being violent with her. She could see the bruising when I walked in. I told her about the rape, thinking, that as a skilled professional, she would help me come to terms with it. I could not believe her line of questioning. She wanted to know how I felt about having sexual relations with a man. How did I feel about being penetrated? Did it make me feel more like a woman? Had I had any sexual pleasure from the event? Was I more inclined to have sex with a man? Did I want to have a vagina so that I could have penetrative sex? I got so mad. I was shouting in her face that she was a stupid and insensitive cow. I made myself walk out before I hit her. I did not think that I would be able to go back to her. Saturday came and I met Mike for lunch. He was shocked when he saw the bruising on my face and immediately wanted to know what had happened. I told him that I had been attacked by a group of men and had ended in hospital. I admitted that there was a sexual element to the attack and that I was feeling tender, nervous and very unsure of myself. Mike wanted to know who did it and why. He had not pushed me about my background before, calling me the mystery woman. Now he was not holding back. He was angry and he wanted to feel that he could do something to sort my problems out. It was difficult to keep him calm and not tell him too much more. Mike was gentle with me and gave me space. We held hands as we walked but he did not try to kiss me or hold me. We walked all afternoon and talked. I told him more about my early life and my current fears and feelings than I had in all our previous outings. I admitted that I was very fond of him and attracted to him, but that there were issues in my background that I had to work through before I could be totally open with him. He was so gentle and caring. I felt much more relaxed at the end of the day than I had before I had met him. Sunday was spent with Sam, just making a fuss of each other. Chapter Thirty Week thirty seven and we were down to less than sixteen weeks. I knew that Mike really cared about me and that it was now time to hook him and reel him in. Sam was so into the thought of being a mum, that all her concerns about the ethics of what we intended to do to Mike, seemed to be forgotten. Sam wanted her baby safe with two parents, whatever it took. Mike asked if I wanted to go with him on Wednesday evening, to watch Harlequins play London Scottish in a pre season friendly. It would be the first game of rugby I had seen since all this started. When the team had heard about my rape, it turned out that Megan had been sexually assaulted when she was at university. Lucy, one of the freelancers working with us at the studio, also told us that she had been raped four years ago. I wanted to try to make sure that nothing like that happened again, so I got pepper sprays and rape alarms for every one of our girls. I also arranged for a self defence instructor to run weekly sessions on self defence, for all the girls, including me, every Tuesday. Martin got Sam and I together and said that he had been talking to some of his old contacts. Back in his old job, he had been involved in some investigations into corruption in the EU. The team that he had liaised with had links with the serious fraud office in the UK. He had contacted one of those links and told them about the information that we had discovered. The contact had said that it was an interesting case but that it was much smaller scale than they normally dealt with. Seeing the evidence this contact had said he was amazed that the police had not taken up the case. He was intrigued to find out why. He was going to ask a few questions himself, but he suggested that we contacted the IPCC, the police watch dogs. What a great suggestion. We knew that we could not go directly to them because we had obtained the information illegally. We decided that Sam would ask our ex policeman friend. On Wednesday Mike picked me up from home. It was the first time he had seen our set up and the first time he had met Sam. He was very charming with Sam, thinking Sam was my close friend and business partner. Sam was very wary of Mike and I was worried that she might say something that would cause difficulties. When we set off for the game Mike commented that at least now he knew where the lady of mystery lived and worked. He was very concerned about how I was healing physically and mentally. I played down the damage that I felt. It was great watching a game of rugby with someone who knew what was going on. Being a pre season game, it was very fractured, with players being rotated as the coaches tried different combinations. We discussed the merits of the different players and continued our discussions in the bar after the game. Mike ran me home and we lingered in the car outside the house. Without thinking about it, I turned and kissed him goodnight. What was intended to be a quick peck became a long passionate clinch. I suddenly needed his strength holding me. I wanted to be protected and looked after. I wanted to give myself to my protector. There was no vestige of Tom in that car, only a Jen that needed a man to hold her close. I felt his hand slide up under my blouse and my nipples were eager for his touch. Our lips parted as he started kissing my neck. My back arched as I wanted to feel his lips on my breast. Suddenly he stopped and I felt a quick emptiness. He apologized for losing control. I kissed him on the lips again and agreed to go out with him and Liam that Sunday. When I got in the house Sam was waiting. She had watched me from the bedroom window. "Well you seemed to be enjoying yourself with your hunk. I am surprised you didn't give him a blow job there and then." "Sam please, you know why I am doing this. You know that I have to get close to him." "Yes, but you seemed to be enjoying it all too much. All I could see was Jen giving herself to her hunk of a man." "You are right, it was Jen and I did not dislike it. With all these female hormones racing round my system, I am finding that I can't stop myself responding as a woman. This is getting so hard, I am finding it more and more difficult to think of myself as Tom." "I'm sorry but I am jealous. When I see you in the arms of a lovely big manly hunk of a man, getting your lips crushed and your tits felt, I am bloody jealous. I want a big man to hold me." "Sam, what are we going to do? This is all getting too confusing." "Well I know one thing I want us to do and that is to get dolled up on Saturday and go out to a club." I could not deny Sam her wish. Sam and I had our first visit to the doctors. It was a very nice female doctor, who was a little confused why Sam had brought a woman with her as her partner. The doctor tried very hard to look as if everything was normal when we explained the situation. She kept giving me curios glances all through the examination. Sam was given a thorough check up and the doc agreed that Sam definitely pregnant, probably five weeks gone. Everything looked healthy. We were told that Sam was to have her first full pre natal check in seven weeks time. In the meantime the doctor booked Sam in for a check in three weeks time. We were so pleased that the pregnancy had been confirmed. Sam's smile was a delight to see. With the aerobics and the yoga Sam and I were both sylph like and slim. Sam was more curvy than me, but with my additional height, I looked more willowy. I had lost so much weight now that I hovered below ten stone in weight. I had lost so much muscle power that I struggled with any heavy weights. I could lift more than Sam but not by a big margin. With my reduced weight and slimness I had found running to be easy and satisfying. Since the rape, I was nervous of being on my own, but Tim was a keen runner, so I went running in the evening with him. I had to wear a sports bra to hold me firm, otherwise the bouncing of my breasts was painful. When we were running I was very aware of the male population's appraisals. Saturday and Sam and I hit the beauty parlour. I could tell Sam was getting excited because she could not stop fidgeting and chatting the whole time. It was no longer a strange feeling, having my hair, nails, a facial and then my make up done. Now that my electrolysis was all but complete, my facial skin was soft and clear. Once we had finished at the parlour Sam dragged me off on a lingerie hunt. We both got the giggles as we looked at more and more outrageous wisps of material. It should have worried me that Sam was not buying for my entertainment, but to entice another male. When we dressed for the evening Sam again went for a short skirt and a very sheer blouse. Her skimpy bra was on display as were her prize assets. With the thong that she was wearing and the length of her skirt, any bouncy dancing and the cheeks of her bum would be there for all to see. With her all over tan, the sight was certainly alluring. Sam persuaded me to wear a sexy outfit. With my smaller firm bust I could still get away with going without a bra. My nipples were very much to the fore when I did. Sam's nagging got me to go along with it and I wore the same dress as I had on the girl's night out. I no longer needed the gaff as I had been glued up so I wore a thong that disappeared giving me a distinct wedgy. We got to the club and Sam was bubbling with excitement. She was totally abstemious, not touching a drop of alchohol, but you would have thought she was on speed. We had not been there very long when she picked out a target and gave him a sultry look. In no time she was on the dance floor bouncing around with a happy grin on her face. I lost sight of her when I was dragged onto the floor by a large hunk of a guy myself. The next time I caught sight of her she was dancing close with the same guy, grinding against him. When I saw her again, they were kissing and his hands were all over her. I was suffering the wandering hands from my partner but not enjoying it as much as Sam obviously was. I lost sight of Sam again until she grabbed me to go to the ladies. When I asked how she was getting on, she said that she had just been dumped by the guy she had been dancing with because she had made it clear that he was not going to shag her tonight or any time in the future. The guy was a sexy hunk but he was determined to get laid. She had been having fun snogging and indulging in a good grind. She might have even given him a blow job if he had played his cards right. I hated that Sam was being mauled by other guys. I hated it more that she seemed to be enjoying it. I am not sure whether it was more worrying that Sam seemed a bit out of control or more reassuring that she was not totally out of control. After fixing up our make up we were back into the parade ring. In no time Sam had another partner. I kept losing sight of her as my current partner kept me distracted. He had a lovely lithe body and moved it against me in a sexy way. When he nibbled the base of my neck it gave me goose bumps. I was quite enjoying him gently rubbing my nipple before I came to my senses and cooled him down. His erection had been grinding against my stomach and artificial mound. He was the same height as me in my three inch heels and his bump rubbed me quite strategically. I caught sight of Sam being groped and crushed in a kiss by another large hunk of humanity. Eventually I lost sight of her. I had lost my last partner through cooling him down. I was having a quiet drink by the bar when a large guy almost dragged me onto the dance floor and grabbed me close. He started to grope me and I had the most horrible flashback to being raped in the van. I tore myself free and ran to the ladies. I was already sobbing when I locked myself in a cubicle. I was never going to come out. I was safe in there. I was there quite a while feeling sorry for myself when I heard Sam?s voice. She called my name and my sobs told her where I was. She persuaded me to unlock the door and hugged me tight. It took a while for me to calm down, before we left the club and went home. I must have looked an absolute sight, my make up was smeared over my face and my eyes were red and puffy from crying. When we got home I told Sam what had hit me. I had already been on edge seeing Sam dancing and snogging with other men. When that lump of a man hauled me around and groped me I felt the panic and terror of the rape. I had to run away. When I started crying I could not stop. I told Sam that we could not go on. The hormones were stopping. No more women?s clothes. I would have a double mastectomy. No more seeing Mike. No more Sam snogging other men. We would go back to where we were. I would either get a gun and shoot Justin, or run him down with the car. When Justin was dead I would serve my time and I would probably be released before our child was a teenager. Sam listened to me and soothed me as I spoke. She told me that I was not going to kill anyone and that everything would turn out right in the end. I cried myself to sleep. On Sunday Sam made me get out of bed and get ready to meet Mike and Liam. We were going to have lunch then go to the tower of London. The two of them had huge grins when we met. I don?t know who was more pleased to see me, Mike or Liam. It was a lovely gentle family day. Liam loved exploring the tower. He shivered with pleasure at the gruesome stories I told him about prisoners and dungeons and all things scary. After tea we dropped Liam back with his mother and went for a drink. We talked the evening away and Mike dropped me home. I felt so safe with Mike. I wanted to thank him for making me feel safe and normal in this totally abnormal situation. I wanted him to kiss me and hold me but thoughts of being unfaithfull to Sam kept haunting me. In the end I put those thoughts away and melted into Mike?s arms. I am not gay but I loved being held and kissed by Mike. My nipples responded so strongly to his touch. I loved the way he played with them. As he kissed and caressed me, my hand strayed to his crotch. His erection was straining at his trousers and it was substantial. I had a strong urge to undo his fly and play with this lovely toy but a part of my mind was telling me no. Sam had, again been watching from the bedroom window. ?A nice day Jen?? ?Yes, Liam is such fun. It is going to be great having our own child to treat and take places.? ?Are you feeling better after last night?? ?Yes, sorry I was such a wreck last night, but it all got too much.? ?I need to talk with Tom.? ?Okay.? ?Tom, I know you were upset with me dancing and snogging with other men, but it was something I needed. I love you and if it is anything to do with me, we will be together forever. But and this is a big but there is a fundamental part of me that is very heterosexual. I need the touch of a man. You have been Jen almost all the time recently. Since you were attacked you have hardly spent any time unglued. It is almost as if Tom is hiding from what happened as Jen. I don?t blame you in any way and I love Jen deeply, but I get horny and I just want a man. Last night gave me some release. I know though, that at some stage I might need to go shag a man. I have to be honest with you, the need is getting stronger. If I can?t resist any more, I will tell you. I do not want to have a relationship with anyone, but I do need a man for sex. I see Jen with Mike and I hurt to see my Jen comfortable in someone else?s arms. I hate it that you can enjoy intimate contact with Mike. I am also jealous that Jen has a male hunk to hold her, kiss her, fondle her breasts and for all I know, let her play with his lovely big cock.? ?I?m sorry Sam, I know this is horrible for you as well as me. I will try to be understanding, but it goes against everything I feel.? Chapter Thirty One Week thirty eight and the morning sickness started. I was being woken by the sound of Sam in the loo, throwing up. ?Well the pregnancy is starting to feel real now. Why can?t I be one of those that doesn?t suffer morning sickness.? Over the last couple of weeks the two of us had read all about pregnancy. We were becoming experts on what was going to happen to Sam. One thing that was happening with a vengeance was Sam?s sex drive. She had become hungrier for sex and much more responsive. Her orgasms were more intense and quicker to come. Any time we were free, Sam was all over me. I started spending my time unglued and although, I needed a good deal of help from the blue pill, I was able to bring her to orgasm after orgasm. My cock however was noticeably reduced in size and stiffness. I had been proudly, above average in size, judging from the shower room after games. I was now definitely under average and each day my manhood seemed to become less manly. I was losing confidence in my ability to perform as a man. Sam was still hungry for my ministrations. Her boobs and especially her nipples were more sensitive and she loved me playing with her. I caught her time and again idly stroking her own nipple. I was also aware that Sam had a large vibrating dildo that she masturbated with when I was not available. I was enjoying the ride but I was nervous how long this heightened libido would last and how long I could satisfy it. I had another visit to the doctor. Who quizzed me about when I had started on female hormones. He said that he had been back over my file and everything that happened in the first six months, happened much faster than he would have expected. If I had started on hormones when I said I had, the testicular shrinkage should not have been as fast. My fat redistribution and breast growth should not have been so quick. My prostate had shrunk faster than it should. A further anomaly was that my pelvis appeared to have changed shape a little over the last nine months. I appeared to have gone through female puberty much faster than normal. He had sent my blood samples for further tests and the research lab had come up with the analysis that I had 48 chromosomes instead of 46 and that my pattern was XYxx. The lab had rarely come across that pattern before. He had been contacted by a research group in Cambridge who wanted to use me as a lab rat. I was, as far as he knew a rare beast. It had occurred to me that everything had been going very fast, but I was so caught up in what was going on that it had not registered that it was unduly fast. This was no time to become engaged in a lengthy involvement with a research lab. We were already coping with more than was humanly possible. I wondered whether it was the reason why I was so much shorter than my six foot two dad and only two inches taller than my mum. If it had not been for my hair and eye colour matching my dad?s and a facial similarity I would have thought he could not have been my dad. Sam was intrigued when I told her of the news. She said that I should, at least, get checked out to see if there were any problems that we could anticipate and deal with. I met with Mike again on Wednesday evening for a drink and a walk. Mike found out that I had started running in the evenings with Tim and asked if he could join us. He was running in the evenings as part of his fitness regime for the rugby. Now that he was thirty four, he was finding fitness harder to maintain. I said that I would check with Tim but Monday night was probably OK. I made sure that Mike dropped me off at the end of the street so that Sam would not see us in our goodnight clinch. As soon as I got home Sam produced the solvent and released me to give her what she needed. I was so aroused by my clinch with Mike that, for once, I did not need the blue pill. It was the first time for quite a while. We checked with our ex policeman friend to see if there was any progress with his complaint to the IPCC. He had been interviewed at length by a chief inspector but all had gone quiet. Martin said that his contacts in the serious fraud office had also gone quiet, but that he would check with them the following week. On Saturday I went with Liam and Mike to watch London Scottish play. It was a good afternoon. Liam asked if I would come and see him play on Sunday morning as it was his first session of the season. We had a drink in the bar after the game and then took Liam for a Pizza. After dropping Liam back with his mum Mike and I went for a walk and a drink. There was so little that I did not know now about Mike?s fears and dreams and so little that he knew about mine. I knew that Mike was desperate to take our relationship to another level and it was only his iron restraint that had held him back. He had suggested going back to his place on several occasions now, but I knew that if I went, I would probably weaken and all would be discovered. Mike now proposed a weekend away with him in Paris. I had to stall him. A straight no would be difficult to explain. I claimed the pressure of new contracts and that I would let him know how soon I could be free. Sunday morning Mike picked me up and we went to watch Liam play. It was a wonderful example of happy, boisterous chaos. There were flashes of cohesion and moments of youthful joy when tackles were made and tries scored. There were tears when tackles hurt and pain came as a surprise. Tears never lasted and cheers echoed. There was as much joy in getting muddy as in making passes. After showers, hot dogs and lemonade we went for lunch at a burger bar. Liam was immensely proud of the three tries that he had scored and the tackles that he had made. He was fast and elusive unlike his dad. The afternoon sped by as we talked and walked in Richmond park. A last tea and cakes and then I went home. Mike had pressed me about stopping over and again raised the issue about going away together. He must be getting so horny and frustrated. Sam was eager for us to play and we spent a pleasant evening, cuddling caressing, kissing and making love, but only girl to girl.