The Undercover Detective Part 8 free porn video

The Undercover Detective part 8 14th June I awoke feeling like death. The moment that I moved, a bolt of pain shot through my shoulder. My head throbbed and my shoulder throbbed. I lay there feeling sorry for myself. Eventually, Fran breezed into the room. "Great Mandy, you are finally awake. It is gone noon and I have already been in to work, seen both the new chief and the big boss, I have picked up your clothes and other belongings from the bed sit and now I can bring you a tea or a coffee." "Tea please Fran. This is great of you to have given me a bed for the night. I could not have survived going back to the bed sit." "It is nice to have someone here. It has been lonely since my partner got fed up with me working police hours." "What is the current situation?" "We now know that Gabriel's real name is Quentin Young. You were right that he lived in the small area that you had identified. He should be released from hospital soon. He has been under guard while they check him over. You certainly gave him a good thumping. A search warrant has been obtained and they should be searching his apartment by now. I think that it would be a good idea to let Mary know you are safe." I phoned Mary, only to discover that her friend, the Commander, had already brought her up to date. Meanwhile, Fran had been on the phone back to the station. "How are you feeling? I have been told that the Commander wants to see you as soon as you feel up to it. Do you think you would be OK by five, this afternoon? He does not want to see you at the station, so he has arranged a meeting in a hotel meeting room. He asked me to attend as well. How do you feel?" "I am happy, as long as you can help me get ready and we can go by taxi. There is no way that I am going on public transport." All was arranged and Fran helped me get dressed. I was fine doing my make up, my right arm was working OK. It had not struck me as odd that I was still dressed as a woman, until we were nearly at the meeting. I was suddenly very self conscious. There was the big boss man, with just his secretary in attendance. We got ourselves comfortable round the table and the big boss addressed us. "Well young Tregidden, I am here to heap praise on you and give you a bollocking. Up until last night, you had been following instructions to the letter. Your decision to go walkabout did not have approval from the Gold commander, the Silver commander or even the Bronze. It was a foolish thing to do and could have ended with you being killed. If you had been killed, especially in these circumstances, dressed as a woman, it would have given me huge headaches. It would have been difficult for your family and friends to understand, which is even more to the point. I need you to understand that we plan carefully for a reason. Now for the congratulations, we are certain that we have got our man. He has carried out at least three murders and we have already recovered the hammer that he used in at least one of the murders and the knife that he used to mutilate the bodies. He has boasted of his actions and we are getting masses of information from him. I will need you to give a statement covering the attack on you last night, but I am intending to keep you out of the public eye. You have provided the vast bulk of the leads that have led us to our man. Without you, we would have been struggling and he would, almost certainly, have killed again. Without your recklessness last night, we may not have trapped him. Well done, DS Waters will be keeping you up to date with progress. If you are in agreement, I would like you to continue, for a while, in your undercover role. It would mean that you would continue to present as a transgender woman, who is finding her new path in the world. A certain friend of mine, who has been your landlady and employer, has told me that you seem to be very comfortable as you are. You need to recover from your injuries first. You can either move back into your flat, or stay with Mary. I suspect that it may be easier in the short run, to stay with Mary. I would like you to steer clear of your erstwhile colleagues and use DS Waters as your contact. We will cover the cost of your apartment for the period that you are undercover. I would also be happier that you did not mix with old friends for now. I do suggest, however that you contact your mother and let her know what is going on. For the next three weeks, at least, you are on sick leave. I want you to rest and recuperate. It will give you a chance to talk things through with Mary and work out what you want to do next. It will also give you a chance to get more connected with the transgender and transvestite communities while you recover. Selfishly, I am hoping that you choose to continue down the path that you are on. If you do, I have got a number of challenges for you. First, we are aware that a group of criminals are intercepting young runaways to London, tricking them into drugs and selling them into sex slavery as T girls. We think that these young people are coming to London to live as female and that is how they are lured in. We also have another group doing the same to young male immigrants. We also have our eyes on a group who we think are moving drugs around the country. This group is linked to some female impersonators. There has been an upsurge in violence against transgender and lesbian people. We don't know how they are being targeted. Added to this, we had a suicide of someone who we were sure was being blackmailed for being a cross dresser. We think that there is a well organised set up, feeding off the cross dressing community. I would like you to investigate some, even hopefully, all of those cases. This could be, at least months of work. If you are happy to carry on, we will pay your expenses as well as your salary. It will give you a chance to do some interesting investigation work, as well as give you time to explore what you want to do. When you come back into the fold, you can then decide whether you want to do it as a man or a woman. Whichever way, you will have helped yourself toward a fast track career path. That is a lot to take in, what do you think?" "I am sorry that I did not think about my dress before our meeting. I did not think and just came in female gear. That was presumptuous." "Not at all, it was what you had been wearing." "I am very excited about your offer, but I am not sure that I want to continue in women's clothes. Part of me feels that I ought to get back living as a man and the sooner the better." "The good thing is that you have time to think. I am not expecting you back at work until your shoulder has healed enough. DS Waters will be keeping in regular touch and will be reporting back to me. I have her permission to say that she will be doing some similar work in the lesbian community." With that Fran gave me a huge wink. "I am flattered to be thought of so highly, sir and I would like to take you up on your offer. I must admit that I have found the last four weeks very unsettling and the chance to stop and think would be appreciated." After another 30 minutes of chat, Fran and I were free to leave. "I thought that you turned down promotion to be able to spend more time with your family." "I did, but unfortunately, my little family did not want to spend time with me. I had been trying to save a relationship that had been dying for a long time. Yes, I am a lesbian and no, it is not common knowledge. I am going to change that soon. How do you feel now?" "Confused but happy, I am delighted that we got a result. I have found something out about myself that I can not unlearn and it is difficult. I was always comfortable as a man's man, but now I know that there is another side to me that is demanding to be heard. Where do I go from here?" "I think you need time to think things through." "I can't argue with that." "Do you want to go back to my place, back to your flat or back to Mary's?" "I think back to Mary's first." When I got back to Mary's, I had to tell Sue a good tale. Mary had told the others that I had been visiting Manchester on a whim and had been mugged. I had spent the night before in hospital and then headed back. It was a thin story but it fitted. Sue wanted to know what I had been doing in detail and wanted to know if there was a man involved. When I said that I had gone to see what the drag queen scene was like, she kind of believed me. It was Saturday night and I had been missing since Monday afternoon. The story depended on whether they thought that I would just get on a train to Manchester out of curiosity. I'm not sure it flattered me that they believed I was daft enough to do it. Sue helped me undress and was kind enough not to give me a cuddle. My head and shoulder were both throbbing and I needed paracetemol to get me to sleep. Sue woke me with a cup of tea and I was grateful for a lie in. 15th June When I got up, I needed Sue's help to get dressed. I did without my corset, what a relief. For the first time in ages, I did away with the gaff. It felt very strange with my ball sack and todger nestling between my legs. In one way it was a familiar feeling, but it just seemed wrong. Sue had to help me on with my knickers and I went without my breast forms. A bra strap would have been agony over the collar bone. I wore a light blouse and a short skirt. To cheer myself up, I put some make up on. I was at a loose end. Mary told me to rest and gave me painkillers and anti inflamatories. The egg on my head was turning strange colours and the cut on the side of my head meant that I had a turban like bandage. I was not an attractive sight. I sat and looked at myself in the mirror. What I could see of my hair looked fine, although I could not brush it properly. It felt in need of a wash. The shape of my face was OK. My chin was a bit strong and my nose was larger than I liked. My lips were fairly full and looked good with a bit of lippy. My jaw was not heavy and my eyes were large with longish lashes. I had noticed that, since I had presented as a woman, I had got into the habit of keeping my eyes wider open. I expressed more emotion with my eyes. I had realised from the changes, how much men narrowed or screwed up their eyes. As a woman, I had been much more expressive with my face. I could see little sign of a beard or moustache and no protruding adam's apple. My shoulders were strong for a woman but not obviously manly. I was slim and now had a waist. I was conscious of the lack of breasts and I missed them. When they were there, they looked natural and fitted my slim build. My hips and bum were wide for a man but narrow for a woman. I had not taken to wearing jeans because, although my waist was reduced and my gaff could hide my bulge, I could not fill the seat to my satisfaction. I would need to wear padded pants to get a sexy shape. My legs were smooth and neither knobbly or with stringy muscles. My hands and feet were on the large size for a woman, but not excessively so. My posture was so much improved. I had got used to being upright with my head and shoulders back. Men slouch so much and stick their heads forward. As I looked at myself I wondered what difference it would make if I started on hormones. Would my hips and bum get a better shape? Would my waist and bust get more womanly? Would a little alteration to my nose and chin be an idea? Should I have a tracheal shave? Would losing another half stone be a good idea? Would hormones soften my skin and reduce the musculature of my arms and shoulders? I must have sat there for over an hour, musing. It then occurred to me that I had spent all that time thinking about how to become more female. I had not thought through, yet, what I really felt about this masquerade. Was I just enjoying a time, where I was let off being a macho man, or was I really finding out something fundamental about myself? Mary found me and sat me down for a chat. "Well Mandy, you seem to have been spending time in deep thought. Have you got anywhere?" "I don't know Mary, I found myself thinking through what I would have to do to become more female. I haven't even thought through, yet, what I really feel about presenting as a woman. I have found it so much more natural, comfortable and enjoyable than I thought at all possible. I find myself thinking of ways that I can extend this excuse to be a woman. I am feeling no discomfort. When I stop and think rationally, it scares me. If I continued like this, I would have to face my family, my friends, my work colleagues and the world. What would they think of me? I don't even know for sure who I am any more. I am finding Sue confusing sexually. She is a force of nature. I am so comfortable living with you as a woman, I could continue indefinitely. I know that is not possible. I have a life to live and a career to build. It was easy when I was just working under cover to catch a killer. The killer has been caught and I am still here. What am I going to do Mary?" "I have seen many confused people come and go over the years. I thought that you were a bit of an oddity on that first day. Your story did not hang together. It was all a bit made up. You did not seem driven to wear women's clothes. Within a few days, though, you seemed to relax into the role and it started to become natural. I could see you enjoying your female persona. I think that you have, fortunately, found something out about yourself, now, that could have been very painful later. I don't know for certain which way you will decide to go, but I have strong suspicions. While you are laid up, you have got time to take two important steps. First, I think that you should see a psychiatrist that specialises in gender issues. I have a contact, who I can get you to see in a couple of days. Next you need to talk to your mother. You need to discuss what is going through your mind. Whilst you are working under cover, you have an excuse for doing what you are doing. It is a golden opportunity." "I have been thinking about mum a lot. Some weeks ago she was threatening to come up from Cornwall and stop in the flat. I must give her a ring. I think I would like to talk to your shrink friend as well." "I will give her a bell." Mary had kicked my but into action. I had not spoken to mum since going under cover. I needed to talk asap. "Hi Mum." "Who is this? I have a vague memory of a child in London." "Stop being silly, I know I have not spoken for ages, but there has been a good reason." "Four weeks and not a word, I thought you must have left the country." "There has been a good reason, you know I told you about a murder case that I was working on, well, just over three weeks ago I started working undercover." "Wasn't that the murder of a cross dresser?" "Yes, it actually became the murder of three people who were either transgender or cross dressers." "My goodness, how on earth could you work undercover, in that situation?" "We were getting nowhere with the trans community, so my boss forced me to pretend to be transgender and make friends and contacts inside that community." "Can he force you?" "In theory no, in practice yes." "So what has happened?" "A couple of days ago, I managed to trap the murderer and he is now in jail." "Does that mean your undercover work is over?" "Well, not really, the Commander has asked me if I could continue under cover, pretending to be transgender." "Don't tell me you agreed." "Yes, there are some serious cases that need someone on the inside. It will do my career a lot of good." "Does that mean that you are going around dressed as a woman?" "Yes." "This I must see. What does Kate think about all this?" "Kate and I are no longer together. She did not like what I was doing." "I am not surprised. So that means you are in the flat on your own?" "No, I am living in a little commune of trans people in the home of a lovely mother hen called Mary. It is a good job because I broke my collar bone arresting the murderer and also had a bit of a bashing round my head. The Commander has given me some leave to recover before starting again. I need to keep up my link with the trans people while I recover." "You poor soul. It is just like you to get yourself injured. I can take a few days off. Can you move back to the flat for a few days? I can look after you. I can sleep on the sofa. You will need a hand getting dressed and looking after yourself for a few days. I will meet you at the flat tomorrow evening, about nineish." "You don't have to do that, mum." "Yes I do, no arguments." I was stuck. Mum was coming. I needed to get clothing and all my bits and bobs back to the flat. When I spoke to Mary, she was delighted that I would be spending time with Mum. She said that she would help me pack and take my stuff back to the flat. I needed to come up with a story to tell the others, but I did say that I hoped that I would be able to spend some time convalescence with my Mum. I went in to the shop for a couple of hours in the afternoon and Sue could not wait to tell me the news that was hot off the press. The police had charged a man for the murders of transgender victims. Sue told me that he had been caught a couple of days ago and that he lived local to where we were. She had been chatting excitedly with the customers about the news and was constantly on the lookout for people to tell. When Sue calmed down, she did a little more work on my facial hair. I was a bit handicapped to work on her, but there was little left to do. I felt uncomfortable and self conscious without my gaff and determined to wear it the following day. My head was healing and I decided to leave off the bandages the following day. Sue helped me undress and let me sleep alone. My shoulder throbbed but was bearable. 16th June I told Sue and the others that I had spoken to my mother and my aunt, who lived in London. I told them that my father still refused to have me home if I dressed as a woman, but that my aunt had agreed to let me convalesce for a week or so at her flat in London. The cover story worked if anyone saw me in London with my mother. I made it clear to Sue that I needed to stay clear of the trannie world for a little while. Sue helped me dress and I managed to get the gaff on. It felt right wearing it. I decided to wear the corset again and Sue got me back down to 25 inches. I had felt lost without my breasts, so I got Sue to re attach them and wore a strapless bra. I suppose I could have gone without the breast forms but that didn't feel right. I wore a strappy T shirt and a box pleated skirt. I decided to wear hold up stockings and 2 inch heeled sandals. I redid my toenail polish and Sue helped me put a fresh coat on my nails. Mary put my hair in a pleat for a change. It drew attention to my ears and neck. For that reason, I wore my favourite dangly ear rings and a choker with a matching design. If I was going to shock my mother, then I was going to do it properly. Mary helped me take clothes back to my flat and helped me clear up the mess. I had to pack up my man clothes in order to make space for my women's clothes. In reality, I suppose, there was plenty of space now that Kate's stuff had gone. I think I just felt more comfortable seeing the women's clothes rather than the men's. The flat seemed baron and bare, without Kate's things. A lot of the CD's and nick nacks had gone. Leaving odd bits of clothing, scarves, necklaces and make up around, started to make the place a little more comfortable. Mary left me to it and I went to do some shopping. The fridge and the larder were bare. Whist I was out shopping, I saw a nice colourful throw, which I bought to brighten up the sitting room. With the spare time that I had, I arranged for a new credit card. The card would have my name as M. A. Tregidden. There would be no Mr on the card. I also closed our old joint account and transferred the money into an account for M A Tregidden, again there was no sex on the debit card. My branch of the bank did not even queery anything when I arrived dressed as a woman. While I waited for mum to arrive, I prepared a healthy salad and some summer fruit. I also put a couple of bottles of wine in the fridge. Mum arrived not long after 7.30. I was rewarded with a big careful hug as I opened the door. Mum is my height and looked me straight in the eye as we hugged. I took after dad more than mum. He was known as tich on the trawlers before his untimely death. As we hugged her bosom squashed against mine, a feeling that was entirely strange and new to us both. Mum held me at arms length and studied me. "Well, this is a surprise. How is your shoulder? I see you have it in a sling, but shouldn't you have more support?" "No, they just tell you not to use it until it starts to heal. I can still feel it grating if I move too fast, but the throbbing is the sign that it is starting to mend." "That lump on your forehead is a lovely variety of colours, as is the bruising and cut on the side of your face. If it wasn't for them, I would be saying that you looked quite pretty, not a thing that I ever expected to be saying to my son." "I suppose you would like an explanation of why I am dressed like this." "I think that would be a start. Let's get a cup of tea and then we can talk as we eat. I am starving." "I have wine in the fridge." "Good, tea first, then wine." Explanations were then on pause until we were sat down to our food and by now we each had a glass of wine. "I have been watching you as we got the food ready. Your mannerisms and your movement are quite feminine. You never gave off a feminine vibe before. You seem to be acting fairly naturally as a woman, it is behaviour I have never seen in you before. I never suspected that you might be gay or that you liked wearing girls clothes." "It came as a surprise and a shock to me. When my boss forced me to do this I was mad. I thought about jacking the job in, refusing and letting him do his worst. There was no way that I was going to let that bastard screw me up. When Kate and I started to see if I could, at least, look fairly passable, I found that I did not feel as bad about wearing women's clothes as I thought. It surprised me. I kind of enjoyed the fun of the shopping. I was embarrassed, but it was fun. When I finally got to Sparkles, that is the trannies meeting place, I was quite proud of myself, working under cover. It was a game. When Auntie Mary gave me an opportunity to get bedded into trannie society, I did not hesitate. I knew that I could make a big difference to solving the case. Trannie society is, mostly, very friendly and welcoming. After the way the chief had treated me it was nice. I felt surprisingly comfortable in women's clothes and I was proud of myself for making myself look as good as I did. Auntie Mary was so kind and so nice. When she took me in, she also took in Sue. Sue is nineteen and has been on hormones since she was fifteen. She got thrown out by her family and spent six months as the mistress of a really nasty piece of work in Hackney. She was running from him when Mary took her in. she had been badly beaten and was in a bit of a state. Sue looks like a normal attractive nineteen year old girl. She is into men and mischief. She is huge fun. We became friends immediately and we share a room at Mary's. She encouraged me to get enough clothes, so that I could dress full time as a woman. She also persuaded me to get hair extensions and get my hair done. She has been my guide. I have become very fond of her in a short time. I am much more in tune with her than I ever was with Kate. I respond to Sue without having to think. That can be dangerous at times. I immersed myself in the undercover role without thinking too much about it. I even went out dancing with Sue and was chatted up by men. That was distinctly unsettling. I found that I wasn't thinking about being a woman, I was taking it for granted. I bought far more stuff than I would have needed for two or three weeks working under cover. I was so into what I was doing, that I did not keep close to Kate. She somehow ceased to fit in with what I was doing. On reflection, I think I dressed as a challenge to Kate, on the two occasions that we got together. I made no effort to tone down my presentation as a woman. When I got to the point where we caught the killer, I was suddenly worried. I was enjoying myself and I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to go back to being boring old Mike Tregidden. I even stayed in women's clothing when I met with the Commander. I am really confused now about what I want. I have been offered a chance to earn some money as a female impersonator or drag queen, singing. I tried it and I loved it. I want to stay in the police though. The Commander has given me some breathing space. I have three weeks, at least, off, to recover and then he wants me to continue working, for a while, from inside the trannie community. I am confused and lost. If I choose to, I can spend at least another couple of months, probably longer, presenting myself as a woman." "What are your inclinations at the moment?" "If I had to make my mind up, right at this moment, I would stay as I am. But." "What is the big but?" "I need to think of my future. I need to think of my career. I need to think of five, ten, twenty years down the line. I can?t just think of now." "What are the big questions that you need to answer?" "Am I someone who enjoys cross dressing, but wants to live as a man? Am I transgender? Do I want to live full time as a woman? Do I want to change my body? If so, do I want to change partially or completely? What is my sexual orientation? Is it changing?" "Do you have the answer to any of those questions?" "I know that I have enjoyed some sex with Sue. I see her as a woman but she still has a cock, albeit reduced in size and no balls. I hesitate to say it, but I have performed oral sex on her as a response to her gift to me. Whichever way I look at it, I sucked someone?s cock. I have no desire to have sex with a man, but I did find dancing with one interesting. When I was drunk and mad at Kate I let myself be kissed by a guy. I didn?t find it repulsive, but I was drunk and mad." "Have you talked any of this through with someone?" "I have chatted with Mary and she has suggested that I see a counsellor. I have spoken to Sue, but she doesn?t see the problem. She just thinks that I should get on with it and stop faffing about." "Your boobs are very realistic and your waist is quite slim. You always had slightly wide hips for a man. Would you like your own boobs?" "I don?t know, these are fixed to me by surgical glue. I know that I missed them when I had to take them off. It sounds silly but I felt incomplete." "I can?t see any beard shadow, even though you are not wearing a heavy foundation, did you shave just before I arrived?" "Ah, no, that is another story. I have been working in Auntie Mary?s specialist shop. She caters for transgender and cross dressing customers. One of the services is beard removal. Sue and I have been training on each other. I don?t have to shave now." "Your skin certainly looks smooth. That is a big step. It sounds a bit like a statement of intent." "It was just something we did. I didn?t think about it." "What other things have you been involved with?" "I have been working in Mary?s shop and have done a bit of counselling and advising men who want to dress. I suppose that my other significant activity is working as a maid." "What, how on earth did you get involved in that?" "Mary runs a service where she provides maids for functions and basic cleaning. We are all, or were all, men at one time. The outfits are pretty sexy and we act as eye candy. The outfits are quite flattering and it is kind of fun to be seen as eye candy." "How often have you done that?" "Only a few times. I liked the outfit. There is a rule that customers must not expect sex with the maids, nor are they allowed to pressure any of the maids for sex. If a maid wants to make an arrangement on her own account, then that is up to her." "Did you think of making an arrangement?" "No, of course not. I did find that I was being "accidentally" groped from time to time." "How did you feel about that?" "It didn?t bother me. In a funny way it made me feel more like a woman." "Why didn?t you come to an arrangement with any of the customers?" "Because I?m not a whore." "You didn?t say, because I am straight or because I am a man. Does that mean anything?" "Shit, I don?t know." "Have you seen any men as attractive?" "No, not yet." "Now that is an interesting answer. Would you like your own boobs?" "At this precise moment my answer would be yes, but the implications of having boobs would be massive. I just can?t see a route through all of this." "Do you see yourself as a woman when you are dressed like this?" "Sort of, it is strange. I wake up in the morning with an erection, just like I used to. At that point I am male. I have to go through the exercise of tucking and coaxing my balls into their cavity before I put on my gaff. I am conscious of my maleness then, also when I put on my corset. Now that I no longer shave, that is one less male thing. As I dress and put on my make up, I feel more female. During the day, I am often conscious of being a man wanting to be seen as a woman. I am aware that my boobs are false most of the time. Then there are those other times when I forget who I am and just become Mandy. I enjoy those times most. I spend a lot of my time with transgendered people and cross dressers, so I am aware of that world, most of the time. I am aware that I am learning all the time. I watch how women dress and act. I read magazines and watch women on TV. I love the moments when I just forget Mike and become Mandy. Mike is such a boring, ordinary person. He is shortish, not that good looking, not that athletic, not that interesting, a good detective, a bit boring. Mandy is interesting, colourful, adventurous and fun. I have a feeling at the back of my mind that she might be quite sexy as well." "It certainly sounds as if you like Mandy." "I like Mandy more than Mike." "So what is the problem?" "It is all the practicalities. If I could just wave a magic wand and make it so that I had been Mandy from birth, I think I would do it.. What do you think about what I am doing?" "Well, you certainly seem comfortable as Mandy. You are quite good looking as a girl. You look as though you have lost quite a bit of weight. That makes you look a bit less mannish. If you wanted to become a girl full time, you would have my support. You are my baby, whatever. I think you would have a fairly long road ahead of you. You would need to make physical changes and you still have quite a few male mannerisms. As far as I have been able to observe, you have always enjoyed an active sex life, even when you were too young. This is going to be a huge challenge for you. If you decided to take hormones and start a physical transformation, I suspect that your emotional orientation may change. That would be another big challenge." "What do you think I should do?" "Take advantage of the free time that you have to think. Enjoy some girl time with your mum and relax. This last month has been a huge challenge and you just need to let things soak." 17,18,19th June The next three days were wonderful. I spent the time with mum, shopping, going to galleries and shows and chatting. I had not realised, when I was spending my time in trannie circles, how different life was from the norm. Spending time with mum as a normal girl showed me a different way of being. I soon fell into a pattern where I was no longer playing the part of a woman, I was just being me. I forgot Mike for long periods and just became Mandy. I realised that if I wanted to become a normal woman, I needed to spend more time with what the trans world called cis women. I also needed to spend time with men who were not interacting with me because I was trans. I had several heart to hearts with mum and it helped me start to find a little clarity. Mum enjoyed time with her new daughter and had fun showing me how to create different hair styles. She was also a huge help in what clothes went together and how to create a style. Mum had advised me to take up Mary?s offer of contact with a psychiatrist that specialised in gender issues. Mary was brilliant, I had a consultation on the 18th before mum had to go home. It was ideal. "OK, spill the beans, what did she say?" "It was a long session, she was very nice, but I don?t know whether I am any clearer now, than I was before I went. She asked me loads of questions and got me to do a couple of questionnaires. Lots of the questions were about my motivation. Why did I want to cross dress, how did I feel about it? She also asked loads on sexuality and what the differences were between Mike and Mandy. I spent quite a bit of time describing each person as if they weren?t both me. Her questions have certainly made me think about what I am doing. At one point I was seriously thinking of telling myself to stop being stupid and get on with being Mike, but then I decided that was not what I wanted. I then thought that I liked Mandy. I think in a lot of ways Mandy is a better person than Mike. I did realise that I am living in a bubble though. In the trannie world, what I have been doing is normal. It is not a big challenge. I realise now, that as soon as I leave Aunty Mary?s world I could end up a freak or an outcast. Life would not be simple. I could live comfortably in the bubble for ever. I am not sure that I am brave enough to live in the harsh reality of the wider world. I would always be the guy that changed sex." "There is no easy way. I suspect that now you have had the experience of being Mandy for a month, you would find it very difficult to put Mandy down and forget her forever. You have found out something about yourself that you can not unlearn. If you put Mandy away, she will haunt you. If you become Mandy, you have a challenging road ahead. You need to think whether you want to banish Mandy, have her as an occasional presence or become her. Whichever you choose it is going to be tough." "Don?t I know it, the idea of becoming Mandy terrifies me when I think of what it implies. The thought of banishing Mandy, makes me feel sad and empty. The psychiatrist said that I had strong transgender feelings, but that I was still clearly conflicted. She was happy to agree that I should start on hormones, subject to being assessed by an endocrinologist." "How do you feel about that?" "I am more inclined to start hormones than not. I would want to save my semen first, because I know that if I was on hormones too long, I would become sterile." "What about sexual orientation?" "God knows, I still see women as sexually attractive, I find Sue attractive and she has a cock. I really don?t know. I certainly have not been lusting after men, but I have had so much else to fill my mind. The idea of men doesn?t sicken me, it just doesn?t attract me." It was good to spend time talking things through with mum. I did decide to ask Mary to fix up a meeting with an endocrinologist.