Forbidden Lovers
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Forbidden Love
Ramona was bored, went to Reddit to her favourite subreddit. Maybe
something new there. Maybe she's is there as well. She loved reading her
blunt comments. Loved how the persons those comments were targeted at
reacted, obviously not sure how to properly react and with each reply
only provoking a more sarcastic blunt reply. She knew nothing about her.
Only that she's on Reddit. Trans, just like her, and hated people who
don't respect them and treated them like their existence was purely and
solely to be a creeps breathing sex toy. Her comments made her smile. She
could tell the woman behind those comments is an amazing person.
Ever since the pandemic broke out Ramona spent her days at home. Having
worked in tourism she was among the first who were let go. Outside,
behind a mask, she felt more, dysphoric again. Almost like back then,
when it felt dangerous to go outside as your true self always prepared
that some weirdo jumped in front of her, from hiding behind a car or tree
or whatever, just pointing a finger at her and yelling, "Disgusting
tranny."
It never happened. No one ever cared. Her life improved a lot since that
night she almost jumped from that building, six and a half years ago. And
yet she felt like that again. Just because of hiding her face. Fucking
hiding. It hurts. The past years weren't bad. Hormones changed her. She
felt more at home in her body. Surgery helped too. Ramona finally felt
strong and felt free. The scars on her arms faded over the years, only
visible when you knew where they were. She always was careful anyway. She
didn't want anyone to find out, so she hid the coping she did because of
the hiding. She's been clean for over two decades now. Only bit her
fingernails until there were almost no nails left. The pain numbed other
pain. Blood helped. It floods the negativity and pain out. For some
moments at least. She thought about it a lot. She thought about cutting
again all the time and there were moments it was hard not doing it.
In her mind, the fresh razor blade carved through her skin several times.
Like a warm knife through butter. Blood drops formed and ran down the
arm. Dropped to the floor, leaving red sprinkles on the white tiled
bathroom floor. She would just sit there and watch the blood. Smearing
the blood along the wound. Satisfied. At least for a few moments. Those
were the moments she stood in front of her cabinet. Watching the
razorblades. Right next to the bandages, skin closure strips and sterile
compresses. For minutes. Sometimes longer. Ramona kept coming back as
well on those days. Staring blankly into the cabinet. Not doing it made
her feel proud of herself. And disappointed. The negativity was in her,
did not bled out.
Maybe the loneliness added to her current feelings. She tried dating but
always felt either disgusted or didn't click with the persons she wrote.
Those experiences were part of why she came to that honeypot subreddit
which was there to deal sarcastically and with a huge portion of irony
with the struggles dating and especially dating when being trans brought
with it. She gave up on the idea of finding someone online on a dating
app. Always the same bullshit. Maybe one she meets the right one while
bumping their shopping carts together. Maybe one day.
But right now, wasn't the time anyway. There is a pandemic going on,
people hiding their faces behind masks. And with that their smiles. But
that's not only how attraction works for her. The nicest smile doesn't
help if there is no other connection. And having always worked with and
around people, she felt pretty uncomfortable being around being people.
They acted weird. And crazy. Doing grocery shopping also reminded her of
how nice being alone actually is. No real need to change that
immediately.
When Ramona opened Reddit to look for the new post, what creepy,
dehumanizing shit the thread starter formed into word vomit. It went on
and on, with every butthurt reaction from the thread starter a more
aggressive reply came. Well, it looked aggressive, but she was calm.
Laughed at the creep who thought he'd get a shot "with a shemale" but
fell for the honeypot and was in for the beratement of his life.
And there she was, commenting on the same comment chain and they worked
together, watching the creep digging the whole he was in only deeper.
Until they started shit-posting together, their irony worked well
together, using the same dark humour, making fun of creeps and conspiracy
theories together. It was fun. And she knew she was right, there was an
amazing person behind those comments. She liked her more now and smiled
and felt happy about the outcome and decided to invite her to a discord
server, where others from that subreddit were too. She gladly accepted.
They started talking more. And more. And more. Her name is Julie. All in
the public channels of that discord server. She started liking her. She
was sure she had developed a crush after two days of talking.
Unfortunately, Julie lived on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. So
unfair. She would have loved to meet her for a coffee. This random
internet stranger she just came across a satire subreddit but felt a
strong connection to. Instead, they had to live in different time zones
with weirdos around them neither want to have in their lives. A few days
later she received a friend request on discord. From Julie. She smiled,
it made her very happy.
"Hello, Friend," came a private message just a few moments after
accepting the request. From then, they both were texting constantly. From
the moment the Julie got up until Ramona went to bed. The strong
connection only grew stronger. Ramona sensed that she wasn't alone with
her feelings. She knew they were both crushing. Stupid distance. Without
that she would immediately ask her out. They shared selfies, she knew
that this person on the other side of the ocean had not only an amazing
personality, but she was also one of the most beautiful women she ever
met. Julie looked gorgeous. Life's so unfair. The crush grew stronger and
stronger, the distance seemed further and further.
A week later Julie told Ramona about her feelings. They both crushed. And
hard. And again, the distance seemed even further that moment.
Lightyears. Thousands of lightyears. They kept talking. It felt nice as
long they were talking. The moment they stopped talking the distance
stung almost like a sharp knife pushed into the heart. Over and over
again. But Ramona couldn't stop thinking about Julie. Julie was way too
amazing. And interesting. They had so much in common. And after only two
weeks of talking, it felt to both like they've known each other for ages.
The good kind.
Ramona felt a strong connection to Julie. Something she never felt so
intense with someone. She thought about that maybe they were meant to
meet each other. Ramona hasn't been on Reddit for quite a while. Early in
her transition, it was a great help. But with life becoming more and more
normal she moved on, posted less and less until she left Reddit. But
being bored due to being unemployed she clicked on the little button in
her favourites more and more. Until she started posting again and then
quickly came to the subreddit where Julie already was.
Why now? Was it really fate? Were they destined to meet? Maybe they have
met before? In a past life. Ramona always believed that death isn't the
big void. She believed that the soul would move on, get into a new body.
It made sense. All made sense. Maybe gender is in the soul, and when the
soul for some reason ends up in the wrong body for reincarnation, a poor
person ends up being transgender.
Could it be that Ramona and Julie met before? Where they in love? Ramona
knew she was in love with Julie. She felt it was love after they told
each other they had a crush. And Ramona felt that Julie might feel like
her too. Maybe since several centuries, always finding each other again
with no memory of a past life. Getting to know each other and falling in
love over and over again. It is a nice thought. And this time everything
was messed up and we ended up in the wrong bodies on different sides of
this way to the huge planet. In the middle of a pandemic with travel bans
in place.
So, what if that is the truth? What if we were misplaced and our souls
worked hard to bring us back together? Our accounts were made in the same
year, a couple of months apart. Were that fates first try to connect us?
We probably never bumped into each other back then, Julie started her
transition later. Was it a coincidence or a near miss?
Ramona always felt bad when Julie wasn't feeling well and there wasn't
anything she could do. Sure, maybe she couldn't have done anything being
with Julie too, but she would have had the chance to hold her, to comfort
her. It felt unfair that he couldn't. One of those days Julie said that
she might kill herself that night. It scared Ramona. She couldn't do
anything. How is it fair that one person in need of some love and
somebody being there for her, taking care for her found that person and
she sits almost as far away as possible?
The thought of losing Julie scared Ramona a lot, she tried talking to
her. Wanted to tell Julie how she felt. If she can't do anything, she can
let Julie go without having told her how she felt. But she wanted to say
the "I love you" in person. So she described the feelings to Julie. And
could feel Julie felt the same. They talked a lot that night until Ramona
felt safe to go to bed. But when she awoke a few hours later and checked
her phone it showed a message from Julie.
"Goodbye my friend."
Tears shot in Ramona's eyes. The message was 45 minutes old. So not long
ago. "Don't go" she replied, staring at the screen, waiting for it to
show that Julie is typing. Nothing. Ramona could barely see. The tears in
her eyes were building up faster than they could run down her cheeks. "I
love you" she typed as a second message, again staring at the screen,
waiting for Julie. Nothing.
Ramona felt desperate and lost. They never exchanged phone numbers and
addresses. There was no need to. They were connected through discord,
where they could text, and did audio and video calls. The distance and
unfairness that kept them separated all the time never made it necessary.
Fuck this. Something we never thought about would be important is
important now. Ramona felt awful. She couldn't stop crying. She walked
around in her apartment. She threw up several times. All she did that day
was walking in circles and staring at her phone. Eyes swollen and burning
from crying the whole day. Everything felt sore.
Ramona felt lost. Was Julie gone? She hoped and waited. If Julie was
gone, she couldn't even go to her funeral to say properly goodbye. The
thought of that hurt so much that it almost swept Ramona off her feet.
Somewhere in the evening, she heard the familiar discord sound. The sound
Ramona waited for the whole day. With hope and fear, she looked at her
phone.
"I love you too, you're a wonderful person."
Ramona broke down crying. The relief was overwhelming and after the hard
day. But she was happy. Julie wasn't gone. And right at that moment, she
seemed closer than ever as well as further away than ever. Ramona wanted
to kiss Julie. So bad. She wanted to take her face in her hands, hold it
and kiss her. She wanted to kiss every inch of her body. They kept
talking until late in the night. There was a lot to process.
And Ramona thought again, this couldn't be a coincidence. She never
thought it'll be possible to feel like this without being able to see
each other. But here they were. In love. Thousands of miles apart. They
were meant to meet and fall in love. But they weren't allowed to be
together. They can't even plan to see each other. Both weren't allowed to
enter the other's country right now. The current situation doesn't allow
to even think about moving at least closer together. Life's unfair. But
Ramona is convinced they'll be together one day. Fate wants it that way.
But love hurts.
Maybe their souls were in love for centuries already and this is just a
test to prove their love. Their strength. Maybe that is the reason they
were put in this unfair situation. Ramona won't give up. She'll fight.
For them. For their love. To end the unfairness. And to be allowed to be
together with her. To be allowed to kiss her. Ramona doesn't think about
marriage or moving in together, but every future scenario she imagines
includes her and Julie. Together.
Thinking of Julie made her smile. Every message from Julie made her
smile. Waking up in the morning her first thought was of Julie, and she
smiled. It was painful as Ramona was alone in her bed. It felt empty.
Julie is supposed to be here. Or Ramona is supposed to be there. It
doesn't matter. Ramona would be willing to be in a warzone if it meant to
be with Julie. But isn't the whole planet a warzone right now? We're
fighting a virus.
Ramona thought about this virus, which is a burden to the world, the
burden why she wasn't able to see Julie, the burden why she doesn't even
know when she will see Julie. They couldn't even start planning their
first meeting. It hurt. And yet, wasn't it the virus that made their
meeting possible? Without that, Ramona would have been busy with work,
not going to Reddit, not meeting Julie. She is glad she met Julie. She's
the best ever happened to Ramona. She made her happy, smiley helped her
to make her feel better about herself.
She's the first person where Ramona feels it is real love. Ramona doesn't
pretend she's someone else. She is her true self and Julie fell in love
with the true Ramona. But there is nothing she can do. Not right now.
They can only wait. For easier times. For a possibility to move. To be
together. If fate allows their love.
And no matter what will happen. Julie will always have a very special
place in Ramona's heart and she'll always love her. And she knows that
Julie will lover her. Forever.
Ramona will try everything to move close to Julie, to be with her. She
simply can't accept the unfairness that forbids this love. This
relationship which may have been destined. And if not, it would be
perfect. They were made for each other. To love each other. To support
each other. They already do. All they need is to get rid of the ocean
between them.
Julie stood in the door to her bathroom. Tears in her eyes. One foot
already in the bathroom. Eyeing the cabinet with the razorblades. And
with first aid paraphilia. The urge to cut grew stronger. Also the urge
to cut deeper. To bleed more. Maybe she should slice her arm open. Or
both arms. And then watch it bleed till she faints. Maybe together with
Julie.
If they can't be in love and together in this life. Maybe in another
life. They'll find each other again. Maybe Ramona should go alone. She
could watch over Julie, make sure she's alright, keep trouble and other
things away from her. Make sure she'll be happy. She wasn't sure. She
moved away from her cabinet just to break down crying. She curled on the
floor crying for hours.
But what else could Julie do? Travel bans are in place. Both ways. No
idea when any of them will be lifted. A pandemic ruling the world,
getting more and more aggressive and fucking up the economy of the world.
Unemployment rates exploded everywhere. How is she supposed to get a work
permit? Who would sponsor a foreigner when there are so many people
looking for jobs already, with less effort and much faster. So unfair.
She prepared the letter, so she could send it right before she is
starting. To avoid worrying Julie. When Julie finds out Ramona would be
gone. Ramona would be with Julie when she finds out. She would hug her.
Comfort her. Smell her hair from being close to her. Even though Julie
would not know.
Sent
The razor blade was fresh. No resistance from her skin when Ramona slid
it along her arm. From the elbow to the wrist. Blood ran out. Running
along the blade, down her arm, already creating a small puddle on the
white bathroom tiles. Ramona felt satisfied. She went back to her elbow.
Sliced along her arm a second time. It was painless. Not much different
than running a fingernail along the skin. But much more blood. She put
the razor blade in her other hand. She could feel her arm got weaker
already. Again the razor blade slid along the arm, from elbow to wrist.
When she reached the razor blade fell off her hand and dropped in the
puddle of blood which grew at Ramona's feet. She felt content with the
situation. It won't be long now. She already felt some tiredness and
expected to lose consciousness soon. It'll be her ticket to Julie. She
closed her eyes.
Then suddenly she felt her body being lifted. She looked down. Saw
herself lying in a puddle of blood. "Goodbye Ramona," she said. Then
everything went blurry. The room. The Blood, the white tiles. Everything.
She felt herself being pulled away. And then suddenly a room started to
form around her. It looked familiar. She recognized the room from several
video calls with Julie. But Julie was nowhere seen.
Ramona felt pity for Julie. Soon she'll see the message she sent and find
out what happened to Ramona. She would comfort her.
"I love you," a familiar voice said. Ramona turned around and saw Julie
with tears in her eyes standing there. She hadn't had her phone in her
hand and looked right at Ramona.
"I love you," Ramona said and felt Julie's hand touching hers. Ramona was
surprised.
"Come," Julie said and led Ramona to her bathroom. Julie was laying in
the bathtub. The water deep red. Her eyes closed. A smile on her lips.
"You..."
"Was with you the whole time. I held your hand."
Ramona smiled. She was happy. Both were happy.
"Told you we would fight the unfairness and win this fight. Now we can be
together. For eternity."
The end
Maddy
- 31.12.2022
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