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Trying to look like a professional, Mr. Kindle stepped into the classroom and made his way to his desk. Once there, he sat down and opened his roll book. He had dreams of teaching these young kids the thrill of history. He read out the first name, “Max Baxter.”
“Here,” Max said.
One of the kids in the class snickered and said, “His name is Mad Max. He’s so crazy they had to lock him away this summer.”
Sean sent a piece of chalk to hit the kid in the back of the head. The kid jumped and asked, “Who threw that?”
Mr. Kindle said, “Be quiet everyone.”
“Susan Culbertson,” Mr. Kindle said continuing to call the roll.
“Here,” Susan answered in a bored tone of voice. She didn’t want to be in school and wasn’t afraid of letting anyone know that.
Sean was seated right in front of Mr. Kindle. He shifted excitedly waiting for his teacher to reach his name. He really enjoyed the first day of school. Mr. Kindle looked up and shook his head. He called out the next name, “Susan Emery.”
“Here,” Suzie said.
Reaching over to her, Sean patted her hand and said, “That was masterfully stated.”
“Thank you, Sean,” Suzie said with a grin.
“Be quiet everyone,” Mr. Kindle said. He called out the next name, “Sid Eddings.”
“Here,” Sid said.
“His name is Sad Endings,” one of the kids said with a snicker. Sean turned around and sent another piece of chalk towards the back of the kid’s head. The boy jumped and asked, “Who keeps throwing things at me?”
“Sean,” Debbie said looking over at him with an expression of fear on her face.
“Don’t be ridiculous. Weird Sean is sitting in front of me,” the kid said.
“Be quiet class,” Mr. Kindle said. He continued reading the roll until he reached one name on the list. All of the teachers had warned him about this student. They said that he was way too smart and a lot of trouble. He considered skipping the name, but had a feeling that wouldn’t help. He looked up and saw Sean wiggling in his seat. He said, “Sean Michaels.”
Sean stood up and said, “Sean Connery Michaels, also known as Agent Double-o Zero, present and accounted for, Sir.”
While the class laughed, Mr. Kindle said, “A simple ‘here’ would suffice.”
The kid in the back of the class was about to make a comment when a ball of paper flew in his mouth. He looked around wildly looking for the culprit responsible, but everyone was laughing at Sean. He reached up and pulled the wad of paper from his mouth.
“Forsooth! It would be a shame to give such a dull answer on such an exciting occasion. I have been looking forward all summer to the chance of listening to you tell about your conversations with great writers such as Shakespeare, Milton, and Mark Twain,” Sean said gesturing in the air with a pointed finger.
“This is a history class, not literature,” Mr. Kindle said rubbing his forehead. He wondered where a kid his age would even hear the word ‘forsooth’ much less use it.
“Ah! That is even better. I want to hear all about your childhood in ancient Greece. Was Socrates really so smart? I’m sure that your firsthand experiences at the Battle of Troy will make those times come alive for us,” Sean said. He flashed a smile at Mr. Kindle.
The other teachers had warned him, but he hadn’t really believed it. He stared at Sean and said, “That was more than two thousand years ago.”
“Wow and to think you knew those folks. I bet you have a lot of stories to tell us,” Sean said.
“I wasn’t even born then,” Mr. Kindle said. He really should have brought along a bottle of aspirin.
“Oh,” Sean said. He looked around the room and said, “Despite our disappointment to learn that, I’m sure that all of us are looking forward to learning lots of history from you, Mr. Candle.”
“The name is Mr. Kindle.”
“Oh, sorry about that,” Sean said. He sat down and looked directly at the teacher. He flashed him a friendly smile. When Mr. Kindle looked down to read the next name off the role, Sean leaned over to Suzie and asked, “Did I impress him?”
“You definitely made an impression on him,” Suzie answered with a giggle.
“Good,” Sean said.
The kid who kept making cracks about everyone in the room said, “I bet he offers to pose naked in art class.”
Sean sent a piece of chalk to the back of the kid’s head. The kid looked around and said, “Stop that!”
“Be quiet everyone,” Mr. Kindle shouted. He was beginning to regret his decision to become a teacher and it was only the first class of the first day of school.
“Thomas Westerland,” Mr. Kindle said.
The kid who had been making all of the comments looked around suspiciously before he said, “Here.”
Closing the class roll, Mr. Kindle said, “Welcome to history. I’m Mr. Kindle.”
“You told us that,” Sean said.
Looking at Sean, Mr. Kindle said, “You will raise your hand and wait to be called upon before saying anything. Do you understand?”
Sean raised his hand. Mr. Kindle said, “What?”
“Yes,” Sean said lowering his hand.
Mr. Kindle stared at Sean for fifteen seconds and then shook his head. He said, “You can answer without raising a hand when I ask you a direct question. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I understand,” Sean said shaking his head in the negative.
“Do you have something else you wish to say?” Mr. Kindle asked.
“You should have been a little more explicit in your original instructions. Some of us do know how to follow instructions better than others,” Sean said.
Resuming his introduction to his lecture, Mr. Kindle asked, “Does anyone know what the Golden Age was?”
Sean raised his hand and grunted, “Oh, oh!”
When no one else raised their hand, Mr. Kindle said, “Sean.”
“1849! They discovered gold in California. Everyone on the East Coast ran over there and dug up the whole state. All of that added weight from the people and the fact that they had dug all of those holes caused California to break. Since then, the state has been plagued with earthquakes,” Sean answered.
“That’s not what I meant,” Mr. Kindle said.
Sean shook his head and said, “You must mean the Golden Age referred to by the ancient poets as a time in their history when it was all peaceful and everything.”
“That’s right,” Mr. Kindle said surprised that Sean had known that.
Sean said, “That isn’t history, that’s mythology. You must admit that it is a stretch of the imagination to consider mankind as ever existing in a state of purity with men being immortal. Of course, the Greeks were pretty good at mythology. So were the Romans, come to think of it. Even Hollywood is pretty good at it.”
“Uh, yes,” Mr. Kindle said surprised that Sean had actually known the right answer.
“You know that the Golden Age was the highest age of the Iron, Heroic, Bronze, Silver, and Golden ages written about by Hesiod. Of course, the Romans had their own version that was written by Ovid, but it only had four ages. He left out the Heroic age. Go figure. I’d be remiss if I failed to mention that the names of the Gods in Ovid’s version were all different from those in Hesiod’s version,” Sean said.
“I was going to explain that,” Mr. Kindle said shocked that anyone in this town even knew the name of Ovid, much less Hesiod.
“Pity they didn’t know about platinum. Can you imagine what that age would have been like,” Sean said.
“We’re going to talk about the Golden Age,” Mr. Kindle said. He looked down at his carefully prepared lecture realizing that Sean had already torn it to shreds. It was going to start with an introduction of Hesiod and introduce the five ages of mankind. He even had a little digression about Ovid’s version. He was going to use that as a platform from which to introduce the modern ages of history.
“I’d rather talk about the Gold Rush,” Sean said. He smiled and added, “I have a bit of interest in finding some gold.”
“Same here. I heard that one of my ancestors went to California during the gold rush,” Sid Eddings said.
Tom Westerland said, “Shut up, Sad Endings. If you are so interested in your ancestors, why don’t you search through all of the massage parlors in town? I’m sure that you’ll find your father, Happy Endings, in one of them.”
Sean sent another piece of chalk at Tom. Rubbing the back of his head, Tom shouted, “Who keeps throwing things at me?”
“It is Sean,” Debbie said pointing at him from across the room. She was seated as far from him as was possible. Fortunately, that also put her close to the door in case she had to make a run for it. She twitched when Sean looked in her direction.
Tom snorted and said, “Don’t be such a dumb blond, Barbie. Weird Sean is all the way over there. I can see him and he’s not doing anything.”
“I’m not blond and my name isn’t Barbie,” Debbie said. Her eyes got big when she saw a piece of chalk sneak up on Tom and then launch itself at the back of his head.
“Who’s doing that?” Tom shouted.
“Be quiet class,” Mr. Kindle said. He wondered if he had any of the pink stuff. His breakfast was sitting pretty heavily in his stomach. He went over to the blackboard and wrote the name ‘Hesiod’ on it. He said, “The Greek poet, Hesiod, wrote about the five ages of mankind.”
Sean leaned over to Suzie and said, “They say that repetition is a good pedagogical methodology.”
“You don’t say,” Suzie said.
Nodding his head, Sean said, “I say that repetition is kind of boring. It is no wonder that most people don’t like history.”
Mr. Kindle rubbed his forehead. He looked up to find Sean with his hand raised. Knowing that he was going to hate himself, he asked, “Do you have something to say, Sean?”
“Are you feeling okay?” Sean asked.
“Why do you ask?” Mr. Kindle asked thinking he had only five more classes to go.
“Well, I’m concerned about you. You keep rubbing your forehead like you have a headache,” Sean said.
“I do feel one coming on,” Mr. Kindle said.
Sean reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a bottle of aspirin. He asked, “Would you like one?”
“Yes,” Mr. Kindle said holding out his hand.
“Teaching must be a very stressful profession. All of our teachers get headaches with great regularity,” Sean said dumping two of the pills into Mr. Kindle’s hand. He added, “It makes you wonder why anyone would want to be a teacher.”
“That thought has passed through my mind several times today,” Mr. Kindle said. He popped the two pills in his mouth and chewed.
“Didn’t you want some water with that?” Sean asked.
“That’s okay,” Mr. Kindle said. He looked up at the clock and shook his head. With this being the first day of class, they only had half classes. He’d already used up all of his time. Even as the bell rang, he announced, “Tomorrow we’ll revisit the ancient ages of mankind and look at the modern ages of mankind.”
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