Find Me Forgive Me Chapter 9
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Note: Mention is made in this chapter of the City of Worcester. For those in foreign climes, it is pronounced Wuster. It is pronounced Wuster because it’s a bloody pain to pronounce it Wor-kest-er!
For the first time since I returned home from my traumatic trip to Wales, I was alone in an empty house. I did need this; I needed some time alone to allow my thoughts and feelings to emerge properly without distraction. I was not looking forward to it, and neither was I looking forward to phoning round with the news.
I got the easy ones over first. I phoned my brother Michael. I gave him the bare minimum of information and as I expected, he was sympathetic.
“Sorry Caleb, you don’t deserve any of this. You’ve always been a much more devoted husband than I have. I can’t understand Sally, not at all. Come over and see us soon, won’t you?”
I assured him that I would, with all the certainty of a brother who probably wouldn’t. I knew it and so did Michael.
The second call was more involved and much more emotional. My sister Deirdre burst into tears and sounded inconsolable.
“What’s the matter Deirdre love? I thought I was the one who is supposed to be crying?”
“I’m sorry, Caleb. You know I always envied you your life with Sally; you loved each other so much. You both had lots of love for everyone; you helped us all. Don’t you remember I used to ask you all sorts of embarrassing questions about your love life?”
“I always answered them.”
“Yes, you did. And when we visited you I used to watch how you treated each other – so much care and thoughtfulness. And how you both treated Martin and Lizzy – I used to watch and do the same for ours. You remember I was always asking advice. I knew you both had all the answers. And you did.”
“Did it work?”
“Oh, yes. You’ve no idea how our marriage has survived and grown because of your and Sally’s advice and example. Some of your ideas made all the difference – our sex life was transformed!”
“It makes no difference now, Cherub,” I told her. “What we did for each other and for the children was good. Nothing changes that, you know.”
“But I’m certain that there’s more to Sally’s behaviour than anyone knows,” said Deirdre, “She couldn’t do anything so horrible, she just couldn’t. It’s a mystery now but I know there must be an explanation.”
“But if she won’t talk to me or meet me, I’m not likely to find out very soon, am I?”
“Don’t lose heart, brother of mine, I think things may still work out well.”
I envied her optimism, but I’m afraid I did not share it. Not at all.
I emailed Martin and texted Lizzie and asked her to phone me. When she did so, I told her the news and she took it well. I gave her Judith Connor’s address and asked her to try to reach Sally that way. She then surprised me.
“Daddy, I don’t want to contact her any time soon. Sorry. If I do I’ll say something I’ll regret and I don’t want that. You write to her and see what happens. One day I might go there and meet her, but it’s too early for that. Do you mind?”
I thought how our children had grown up and matured.
“No, Chicken, I don’t mind. I think what you say makes a lot of sense, but as soon as you feel you can, you should get back in touch with her. She is your mother, and I have a hunch that she’ll need you.”
“What d’you mean? She’ll need me?”
“Lizzy, she’s living with someone else. She’s moved on and left me. You realise what that means – what I have to do now?”
“You’re talking divorce aren’t you, Daddy?”
“Yes, Chicken, I am. I need to move on as well.”
“With Nicky?”
Wow, I thought, she’s quick on the uptake.
“Lizzie, it’s far too early to be thinking like that. Anyway she’s fifteen years younger than me.”
“But she loves you Dad.”
There it was again. At her age she was seeing things that I had been missing.
“Yes, I know, Chuck. We have talked about it.”
“And you love her?”
“I’ve known her a long time and she’s been very good to me over the past months. I suppose I do love her in a way.”
“Dad, you love her full stop.”
“Enough, young lady. As I said it’s too early to think about such things.”
“Dad I just wanted to say that I would love her as a step-mother!”
“Finish, Lizzy.”
“Ok Dad! So touchy!” and with a chuckle she disconnected.
I couldn’t help smiling as I went to make a pot of tea. She was always a positive character.
Once the tea was in the mug, I settled to write the letter. It took a long time to write. I did it on the computer, made many changes and eventually, as it was getting late, I wrote it out by hand. I wanted it to be personal, not something printed.
Dear SallyJudith will no doubt have told you that we have discovered where you are. You need not worry; I will not come that way again. Judith told me that you have begun a new life with someone else, and that was confirmed when I saw you with him as you passed me on the road last Friday. I was the ‘lost man’ standing across the road, and watching you kiss and hug him. I’m surprised and hurt that you didn’t contact me after the message I gave him for you.
But there again, nothing about you should surprise me any more. You have left me and Martin and Lizzy with no explanation and you have apparently cut yourself off from us for good. You did not attend Martin’s graduation – he got a 2:1. A card would have been nice. You were always so sensitive to the feelings of others; how could you not know what you were and are doing to your own children?
There are so many questions in my mind. You have taken away all my self-confidence, all my feeling of self-worth. I don’t know why you went, why you’ve begun anew without me. I don’t know what I did or didn’t do to make you reject us so absolutely. It’s as if you hate us for some reason.
I’m begging you now to make contact with us. We need to know what we’ve done that made you behave this way. There are so many questions I need answers to before I can move ahead in my own life with a clear mind and heart, as you have apparently done so easily in yours. Please write or phone. I will understand if you don’t want a face-to-face meeting.
By the way, Judith Connor said you told her you left because I abused you. How could you lie like that?
You will understand that though as a Catholic you cannot divorce and remarry, I can. Since you are now living with someone else, I think divorce is the only answer. That’s if you are thinking of making this new relationship permanent. I need to know that.
Please, Sally, contact me somehow. You need to contact me in any case to sort out how the house and the rest of our finances are to be split up.
Please do not ignore this letter.
Love,
Caleb
The final draft seemed to me to be clear, and empty of all the feelings I had in trying to write to someone with whom I had had no trouble communicating for over twenty years. Out of habit I scanned the letter into my desk-top and saved it. Then I sealed it into an envelope, stamped and addressed it care of Judith Connor, and set it by the front door ready to be posted the next morning.
A week passed and there was no reply to my letter. I let it go another week, by which time we were well into December. Nicola continued her routine of coming home with me about three times a week and staying for whole weekends. Now we slept in the same bed at weekends and sometimes made love when she came home with me during the week. It grew to be normal and we became closer and closer, but the absence of a reply to the letter meant we were still uncertain and unable to look ahead.
In the third week, I wrote a second letter, this time on the computer, though, not knowing her email address, I had to print it off and send it by post.
Dear SallyPlease answer my letter. You have no idea what this silence is doing to me. It’s getting near Christmas and Martin is coming home for the holiday from the States – you did know he has a job in the USA? Both children miss you terribly, but Martin misses you more – you were always his favourite, you know. This silence is tearing him apart.
How can you throw away twenty years of love? I know we talked about not being able to get over unfaithfulness, but the reality is not as clear-cut as all that. I do love you and at the very least I need to know why you’ve left me and why you are continuing to ignore me. Have you lost all your love for me?
I understand that you have a new life and a new partner now, and that for some reason you seem to hate me so much that you won’t talk to me at all, but for pity’s sake, don’t cut off your own children.
Nicky is holding the family together at the moment. She visits me often and tries to keep me optimistic.
Love
I saved it, printed it, signed it and posted it the next day.
Christmas came and went with no reply. We all sent Sally cards but none came back. Martin, Lizzie and I shared a muted Christmas Day. I went with Lizzy to Mass; the first time I had set foot in that church since the fateful day in March. I was touched by the welcome and the sympathy offered by people I didn’t even know, but who clearly remembered me.
It was a different priest – I couldn’t have stayed in the church if Tony Mulhern had been there. Apparently Mulhern had left the priesthood and was somewhere in the North of England. It was a small comfort to me that Mulhern wasn’t with Sally, but it was comfort!
I cooked the Christmas dinner and it tasted as good as usual, but there was little pleasure in it for me. The wine however, I did enjoy! The children enjoyed the whole thing, and that had a satisfaction in itself. However, there was a hole in all our lives that only Sally could have filled. I even toasted ‘absent friends’, and we all had a wry smile as they joined in the toast.
Nicky went home to her own parents for Christmas Day but was with us for the rest of the holiday. She diplomatically stayed in the guest room.
Lizzy spent time covertly whispering with Martin, and both of them grinning. When he went back to the States on the day after Boxing Day, Lizzy casually commented over breakfast, “It’s quite obvious you two are sleeping together, why don’t you go back into Dad’s bedroom Nicky?”
The two of us stopped in mid-mouthful, dumbstruck.
“Dad, I’ve been at university for over a year,” she said with patient sigh and a knowing smile. “It’s obvious when people begin a relationship. I see it all the time. You two have all the signs. I don’t expect you to be faithful to Mum any more, Dad. You’re both free adults. You won’t corrupt me, you know.”
I looked at Nicky and she looked at me and we both burst out laughing.
“I feel like a naughty teenager caught in bed with a boyfriend,” laughed Nicky. “Yes, you’re right Lizzy, we have been sleeping together. It started when your dad almost fell apart when he came back from seeing your mum with her new man. I only meant to cuddle him, but it had been building before, and the dam burst then.”
I simply smiled and tried to ignore the bright red colour my face must have taken on. We did as Lizzy said and moved back together. My daughter had finally grown up completely in my eyes. It hurt me that her mother was not there to see her maturity and self-possession.
Nicola and I had taken the whole of Christmas week off, except for the two days, mornings really, when I was called in for legal aid work, which that week was mercifully very light and did not involve Court. When we went back to work I filled in the form for the divorce petition. Lizzy was still at home.
After dinner, I told Nicky and Lizzy I was petitioning for divorce. I explained that I had written to Sally twice and had no reply. Perhaps the arrival of the petition from the Court might force her to contact us.
Lizzy had tears in her eyes, but nodded: she understood there really was no other way. We did not have Sally’s address, so we couldn’t do anything else but send the petition care of Judith Connor. Nicky breathed a sigh, whether of relief or sadness I did not know and didn’t ask.
I pointed out to Lizzy that I would have to lodge the petition with the Court and then they would process it and send it by second-class post. In the meantime I would send a third letter to Sally explaining what was coming. I told them that Sally would have to respond to the petition and send it back to the court within seven days.
I left them and went to the study to type the letter. The two girls sat chatting in the living room, while watching some programme or other. The letter was short and to the point.
Dear SallyYou have chosen not to reply to either of my letters. I wish I knew why. In a few days you will receive a copy of my petition to the Court for divorce from you. With it you will receive an ‘acknowledgement of service’ form. You have to return this to the Court in Worcester within seven days.
Since you are not responding in any way to me, you probably won’t trust what I’m about to tell you. If that’s the case get a solicitor. He or she will tell you what I say is true, but you’ll have to pay them for the advice, something you never had to do with me.
You should agree to everything. It does not prejudice in any way what happens next. There will have to be a time when we discuss how to split the house and other assets. At present it seems you will do this through a solicitor, since you want no contact with me. The fact that I am petitioning does not affect the outcome in any way. Do not contest the divorce: it will cost you a lot of money to do that.
I don’t understand why we have to do things this way. I have loved you for over twenty years and we used to share everything. Why not now? You can still talk to me. I don’t understand why you won’t do so.
Love
Again I saved it, printed it off, signed it and posted it.
Lizzy went back to university and our lives went back to normal. I still hadn’t cancelled any of the accounts. I knew it was a risk but had I wanted to leave an open door for her, but she had not used any of the accounts for months. Now the petition was on its way I cancelled all the cards relating to our joint names or that we both held, and closed them, putting the assets into a holding account in Gordon’s name as trustee.
Then we waited. We waited for two months and nothing happened. It was late February and time to move on. I couldn’t fathom why she was ignoring even the court’s letter, but I knew what I had to do next. Nicky, Gordon and I had a conference.
I began things. “I have to serve a second petition, don’t I? This time in person by bailiff or solicitor. Obviously I can’t serve it myself and I’m not asking Gordon to go all that way. So I’ll have to pay a bailiff.”
“There’s another problem Caleb,” said Nicky. “If she’s not at Connor’s house we don’t know her address. You can’t serve the thing if you don’t know where to serve it!”
She was right. We all sat in silence for a while. It was a problem.
Then Gordon spoke. “Wait a minute Caleb. Think back to when you went there. Remember when you saw Sally? You said they stopped at a junction with another road, which she then walked down. Can you find that road on a map?”
“Gordon,” I exclaimed, “Once again your talent is amazing. How did you remember that?”
Gordon just smiled. “I’ve always had a good memory. Can you find the road on a map?”
Nicky jumped in. “I can get it up on a map service on the internet.”
So we gathered round the screen while Nicky worked her magic. She found the village and then zoomed in until the road names were clear. It was easy to find the road that led off the one I had been on.
She then found another site that gave the house numbers on that street. There were thirty in all, fifteen on each side. From there she got up an electoral roll and we looked for Sally’s name, either as married or single, but there was no result. Nicky then isolated three houses with single occupancy. Two were males. We noted the addresses and the names, reckoning that gave us a good chance of serving the papers.
So, almost one year after Sally left me, we enlisted the services of a Bailiff of the Court. There were advantages in being a lawyer, I thought. I was able to give the bailiff a letter to add to the other papers. He was a good man and took everything in his stride. However, it was going to cost me. The bailiff would have to stay at the hotel until he found her.
The letter was short and to the point.
Dear SallyThe bailiff has cost a great deal of money, but at least you have been served with the petition and now, with or without you, the divorce will go ahead.
I suggest you co-operate, or things will get very expensive. You have seven days to respond. If you do not, the divorce will go ahead without you.
This is the fourth letter I have sent you. Your behaviour has robbed me of any residual feelings I might have had for you, and I can’t wait to get this divorce over with, so I can get on with my life. You are not exactly flavour of the month with your children either.
Why are you being so obstinate? I loved you so much.
I saved and printed it, then signed it and gave it to the Bailiff.
The Bailiff left on the following Tuesday, and was back and called by the office on Thursday afternoon. Tina got him a cup of tea and he sat himself down.
“Well, Mr Latimer,” he said, settling to his tale. “It all went very straightforward. I got there late Tuesday evening and tried the first house on the list, a Miss Connor, wasn’t it? She said Mrs Latimer no longer lived there, and wouldn’t tell me where she was. Slammed the door in my face.”
“She did that to me as well,” I commented. “She seems good at that.”
We both smiled wryly.
“I think she thought she’d got rid of me without giving anything away, but you’d given me the other two addresses. I tried both of them. The first was an old man of about ninety. I asked for Mrs Latimer but he didn’t know anyone in the road of that name. So I tried the name Mitchell, and he pointed me to the other address you gave me – Mr Price, but there was no one in. I waited until midnight and then went back to the hotel.
“I tried again yesterday. I kept going back but there was no one at home. Perhaps they’d gone away for a short break, I didn’t know. Anyway, I got the local bobby and asked him to come with me at six this morning. I find that people can get very upset and sometimes violent when woken early.
“We arrived at five forty-five, and I knocked hard and kept knocking. After a while a big man answered the door. He was not happy. I asked for Mrs Sarah Latimer explaining I was a Bailiff of the Worcester Court. He saw the officer behind me and shouted for Mrs Latimer. She came down in a dressing gown and I served her with the documents.
“Interesting thing was, she asked why a bailiff was needed. I said that the previous papers had been delivered to Ms Connor’s house, but Mrs Latimer had not replied to them. She then said that no papers had been delivered there. She looked shocked, Mr Latimer. ‘I know nothing of any documents,’ she said. She was very pale, sir. Anyway, my job was done and I left.”
I thanked him and he left. I was now puzzled. Sally had said she had not received the papers. Was she lying? People often did lie to a bailiff.
I then wondered about Connor, but surely she would not interfere with the mail? That was a criminal offence. The most she could do was to mark the envelope ‘not known’ and post it back. Well, I thought, we’ll see what happens next.
On the next day, Friday, there were a couple of late conveyances that needed to be completed and keys handed over. As usual some idiot delayed completing along the chain and so Nicky and I didn’t leave the office until quite late. We decided to go to the pub for our evening meal and then stayed on to meet the Friday crowd. Nicky left the car at the office so she could drink, and at the end of the evening we walked home arm in arm. We were both very cheerful, even a little giddy!
We were wrestling or tickling each other as we arrived at the house, and we kissed quite passionately while I at the same time fumbled with the keys as I tried to open the front door. Once inside we locked the door and ran straight upstairs, partially stripping as we went.
It was a lot of fun; Nicky had her formal office suit on but the most sexy underwear concealed beneath. It was a maroon coloured half cup bra and lace shorts with a suspender belt to match, holding up nearly black stockings. Eventually after a chase round the upper floor of the house I caught her and carried her back to our bedroom over my shoulder, she pummelling my back, and I then threw her on the bed.
I stood to undress when she growled, “Don’t. Come here! And she unzipped me and extracted my member. It was hard and ready. I went for her knickers but once again she growled, “Leave them! Pull them to the side and fuck me!”
What could I do? I obeyed. I crawled on top of her fully dressed as she spread her legs wide and pulled the gusset of her boy-shorts to the side.
“Get it in me!”
I put it to her slit and she thrust her hips up at me, impaling herself on my cock. I thrust hard and she groaned. “Yes!”
I was lost in lust and began to thrust hard. The fabric of my trousers kept catching on her clitoris and she orgasmed hard shouting “Oh yes! Yes! That’s so good!”
I was so close and went harder and faster. Now it was my turn.
“Here it comes!” I shouted as the first tendrils of my orgasm began.
Wrong! As it happened, ‘it’ didn’t come at all! The phone rang.
Now some people can ignore a ringing phone, but I’m not one of them. I swore viciously and rolled off her.
“Hello!” I barked, sounding as pissed off as I was, lying on my back with a hard prick waving in the breeze and shrinking all the while. Nicky was no use, lying on her back and panting hard, coming down after her climaxes.
“Caleb, it’s Colette. Sorry if I’ve interrupted anything.”
“You have, but go on. You wouldn’t be phoning at midnight if it wasn’t important.”
“Sorry, darling. It is important. Sally arrived on our doorstep about five minutes ago. She’s in a bit of a state; I’ve never seen her like this.”
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