Altered Fates Zero Tolerance
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Oglaf free porn video
In the old days, comic artists and creators had to work with publishers if they wanted to get their material out there. The best artists in the world weren’t shit without help. These days, anybody can publish their own webcomic. Oglaf comics is the work of just two people, Trudy and Doug, doing just that.
Oglaf.com has been around for more than a decade now. It’s got a pretty rabid following, with millions of views a month and thousands of supporters on Patreon. It tells you something about a sex site when people just throw money at it voluntarily. Trudy and Doug must have come up with something really special.
What Do We Even Have Here?
Before they let you in over at Oglaf, you have to pass through an age confirmation screen. That’s not too unusual on a porn site. They usually serve less as a real warning than an enticement. It’s not like anyone’s actually checking ID. There’s naughty stuff in here (wink) and you definitely shouldn’t look (wink).
Even from the warning page, it’s clear Oglaf ain’t a typical porn site. For one thing, the bad bitch with the riding crop and shiny, skin-tight outfit is a drawing of a blue-skinned elf, not a photo of a blonde pornstar. The warning itself is a lot more self-aware than they usually are.
“Of course, if you are under 18, you can’t legally certify anything. So if you’re a minor, please get a parent or guardian to click the button which says you aren’t.”
Apparently, Oglaf was originally an attempt to make pornography, but it degenerated into sex comedy pretty much immediately. Well, hey, I’m a degenerate who likes sex and comedy. Let me just click this I AM OVER 18 button and see what happens.
Trophy-Dick Spirits Free to Jizz On You
Once you get through the door, you’ll see Oglaf’s latest comic. The format is one page per screen, so you don’t have to scroll. It’s a little cramped on a mobile device but the panels are still big enough to read if you squint. The top of the screen says updates come out every Sunday.
This week’s comic is called Cloudburst (I know most of you regulars are fan of "sithrak"). It starts with this little dude following some scantily clad broad through a castle. Dicks are mounted all over the walls.
“Are these… trophy cocks?” the little dude asks. “Did you kill the former owners?”
The chick ain’t a monster, though. You can tell by her cleavage. She tells him they died of unrelated issues during sex, and that she saved the cocks to honor their memories. There is some discussion on whether they’ll eat before fucking, but if there’s a meal it’s left out of the comic.
“God, I’m so close!” yells a different dude when he’s all up in them guts.
“Close… to death?”
I didn’t laugh super hard or anything, but I get it. It’s a joke. The second page had me baffled, though. Instead of cumming, he pulls out and shows her some magic cock ring that protects him from her sorcery. This makes her angry at “that fucking corn dolly.”
The next thing you know, the spirits of the wall-dicks are flying around screaming, “The curse is lifted! We’re free! Free to follow you around and jizz on you all day!” They jizz all over that little dude with the hood.
I think the final panel is a punchline, but I’m lost again. It’s that same broad with the cleavage, sitting at a table and talking to the corn dolly. “Then I said ‘Noooooo! Damn you corn dolly! All that lovely jism was meant for me!”
Jokes About Boobs and Dicks and Butts
There’s obviously some learning curve to Oglaf webcomics. Maybe those jokes are a lot funnier if you know the characters and the world the comic takes place in. Hell, the whole thing is probably more enjoyable if you have some idea what the hell is going on.
I am able to see some of the appeal already, though. The webcomic has nice art, more cutesy than realistic but with enough detail to still look a little sexy. The tone is light as hell, so light it could fit in a Sunday comics section in the newspaper if it weren’t for all the sex.
Last week’s comic was about a couple of warriors choosing the crest for their shields. They agreed to be the Bosom Brothers, but one dude didn’t think the other was really going to do it. The grimacing fighter taking arrows to the titty shield is some juvenile hilarity, as is the broad who shows up in the last panel with a nutsack on her shield.
We’re all mature grown-ups here, so let’s get real: wieners and butts and stuff are hilarious. Some of the jokes here are the kind of timeless low-brow humor that would appeal to prelinguistic caveman as well as the futuristic superhumans of tomorrow.
Maybe the newest comic was a dud, because the further I go, the more gems I find. One has a fancy bitch warning a dapper gentleman that her pussy is a portal to a dimension of terror, but guaranteeing it doesn’t have jump scares. Well, we soon learn that promise doesn’t apply to her butt.
You also get a bonus one-liner every time you refresh the page. Some of them are pretty funny. One of my favorites was, “Your cock seems sort of bland. I did learn fellatio on sausages, though.”
Ad-Free, Reader-Supported Sex Comics
When you look at free sex websites as much as I do, you get used to seeing ads all the time. Buy some dick pills! Watch these camwhores! Even the paysites hit you with a bunch of upsell offers for memberships on other sites. Spam is a trivial annoyance on some sites, and an absolute deal-breaker on others.
Oglaf doesn’t have any spam at all. There are no pop-ups or banner ads or affiliate links. In fact, they’ve got one of the friendliest goddamn business models I’ve ever seen on any site with exposed breasts on it.
Trudy and Doug’s Patreon, linked from every page of Oglaf, says “You can give us money but no pressure.” They only have a $1 tier to join, no extra perks for people who pay more. They also provide a helpful link to see all the comics for those who don’t want to pay.
They certainly ain’t getting rich off their Patreon earnings, so you can tell this whole thing really is a labor of love for them. It’s hard not to appreciate that. They’ve also got a small merch store full of t-shirts, books, and prints. I think I may have to order some of their knock-off Chick Tracts to trade with the churchies who bang on my door.
Reading Sex Comics At Work
One of very few flaws with Oglaf is that the comics aren’t really organized in any way. If you find one you think you might want to look at again, bookmark it. Otherwise, it’s going to be really hard to find.
The Archive page is one long scroll listing every comic strip on the site. There’s a name and a thumbnail to clue you in a little, but you can’t jump to the boob jokes or the warrior princess jokes or anything else. A basic tag system would be really useful, but probably not necessary.
I like how the SFW comics are labeled Safe in the archive, just in case you’re reading adult comics at the office. The Safe ones might have some swearing, but no exposed genitals. Your boss will be fine with it.
Oglaf (often misspelled as "olgaf" and "ooglaf") isn’t the kind of sex comic you pull up when you’re in the mood to beat off to superheroines or sexualized versions of Lois Griffin. In fact, I don’t think anybody would actually beat off to this stuff unless they were really hard up and couldn’t find anything else. Considering you can only view Oglaf.com on the Internet, aka the Pornography Superhighway, I don’t think that would ever happen.
This is the kind of sex-based webcomic you look at after you’re already finished beating off. The humor is crude and funny as hell if you like jokes about sweaty asses, horse cocks, and vagina monsters. Oglaf’s not going to get you off, but you should get a laugh out of it.
Hester
- 05.03.2023
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