Remembrance
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“I'm sorry ma'am, there’s truly nothing more we can do for him. It's all in God's hands now. In my professional experience I don't see him lasting more than a few more days. I know it’s hard, but we've done the best we can.”
The doctor drones on, but I've heard it all before. It seems like a hundred doctors have come through this little room that smells of disinfectant, filling with the hissing sounds of life-support machines, only to tell me the same bad news over and over. I just can't accept that my husband of ten years is in a coma and waiting to die.
*
It was a normal day. I made my husband's lunch, kissed him goodbye, and went to work. My morning was busy, as they often are. It wasn't until after lunch that I got the call. I'm a teacher and was in the middle of giving the children a quiz on spelling when there was a knock at the door. Principal Warner looked pale as he waved me over. He looked shaken and told me I had an emergency call. The fact that he was interrupting my class meant it was serious. A sense of dread settled over me and I felt nauseous as I rushed down to the main office.
Picking up the phone, I cradled it between my ear and shoulder. “Hello, this is Mrs. Reed. How can I help?” I answered as evenly as I could, trying not to let my fear creep into my voice. Not many people had my work number and I knew any emergency that justified my being called here had to be very serious.
“Olivia, it's me, John, Rob's boss. I'm afraid there's been an accident. It's bad, really bad. I'm so sorry. They've rushed Rob off to St. Mary's. I think you should be with him.” I was in shock and it took a moment for it to sink in. “Are you still there?” he asked after a few breaths.
I hung up the phone without so much as a goodbye. All I could think of was getting to Rob as fast as I could, and find out the details of what happened when I got there. I was already painfully aware of the risks of my husband's job.
I let the secretary at the front desk know I was leaving, all the while, trying to keep myself composed. Rob had been hurt at work before. Injuries came with the job. He worked in construction and we both knew the dangers that entailed. It took all I had to keep my mind from racing with dreadful possibilities.
Once I was in the car, nothing could stop me from getting to the hospital. I rushed through lanes, zigzagged between cars and even sped through a stop sign. I knew I was being reckless, but I just didn’t care at that moment.
The next thing I knew, I was speaking to the nurse in the emergency room. “Yes, hi. My husband was rushed here not long ago. His name is Rob, Rob Reed. Can you tell me what room he’s in, please?”
She went about her business calmly, scrolling the mouse while her eyes remained focused on the computer monitor in front of her, as if I were just one more detail added to her list. All I could focus on were her perfectly manicured nails tapping away on the keyboard. I wanted to scream as I fidgeted in front of the desk, impatiently waiting for her to answer my question.
Finally, she looked up at me. “He's in the OR right now, ma'am. If you'd like to take a seat, someone will be with you shortly.”
“Take a seat? Take a seat? Are you kidding me? I don't want to wait for the doctor. I want to know what’s going on with my husband!”
I knew it wasn't her fault. More than likely she was simply following protocol. I just didn't care. I wanted to know how my husband was doing. I wanted to see him. I needed to know he was okay.
“I'm sorry, ma'am. The doctor will be with you soon,” she responded, effectively shutting out my complaints.
By the time I moved to the waiting room, tears were flowing down my cheeks. My emotions ran from hope to dismay and I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know if his being in the O.R. was a good thing or not. Maybe it was and they were fixing him up, or maybe he was so badly hurt they could only buy time. I had no idea, and the unknown was what scared me the most.
Hours passed and no one came to see me except the nurse who brought me coffee and would say nothing more than I had to wait. I had no one else to talk to or to share my worries with. Rob had no family to speak of, his parents having passed away when he was young. I could have called my own, but they were over five hours away. Rob and I had put off having kids, wanting to be financially ready for them. We knew we'd be starting soon, finally.
“Excuse me, Mrs. Reed?” Hearing my name rattled me out of a light sleep. Looking up, I saw a doctor standing over me. He looked to be in his fifties with a soft smile and greying hair.
“Yes, that's me. How is Rob? Is he okay? Can I see him?”
“I'm Dr. Evans. I'm sorry, ma’am. We've done everything we can right now. He fell off some rafters at work and hit his head. The swelling is bad and it's causing him to be in a coma. Right now it's a waiting game. His lungs and spine are also damaged. It doesn't look good.”
*
That’s what the doctor told me the first day. Now it’s a month later and Rob is slowly getting worse. My parents have driven up and are staying with me. They've talked to me about pulling the plug, but I can't do that. Rob and I never talked about those things. We never made plans for this kind of emergency, and now I’m angry with myself for not doing so. How childish. These things are important to know.
I fear that if I do, I'd be taking his life. What if he does wake up? His insurance company is breathing down my neck and threatening to stop coverage. The doctor is no help. He says that as of right now, the machines are all that’s keeping him alive. He says Rob is no longer there, but I just don't believe it. School ended two weeks ago and now I spend every waking moment with my husband.
I've heard talking to people in comas helps keep them stay connected to the real world. So I do. I read the sports page to him every day and fill him in on whether his favorite teams have won or lost. I bathe him and even watch the weekly episode of Game of Thrones with him. I know he would never want to miss that show.
My mother tells me I need to let go, that it isn't healthy for me to go on like this. But I just can't. How can I let go of a man I'm in love with? He is mine, my protector, my hero, my lover, my husband, my everything. I can't lose him. When I think too much on it, I cry so hard I feel as though I could never cry again, but somehow I find a way to do just that.
*
“Any news today?” my father asks me, as he embraces me tightly.
His strength keeps me from feeling like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. My parents have basically put their lives on hold to be with me now. I'm grateful for that. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating, but I know I'd be a lot worse off if I had to do this alone.
Of course, friends on both my side and Rob's have been a big help. As much as they can be, at least. A lot of them bring food and ask what else they can do, but there isn't anything they can do for Rob. Thankfully they don't linger for very long.
“Daddy, they say there is no hope left. They say I need to come to terms with losing him. They're pushing me to pull the plug. Oh, they aren't being cruel about it. They've been great and so understanding. But how can I just let him go?”
“It's hard, Olivia, but if there’s no hope, what more can be done?" He has always been the more sensitive of my parents. Even now, as he speaks, he’s holding back tears. It makes me want to comfort him instead of him doing so for me.
“But no one knows for sure. He could wake up. He could wake up tomorrow, or in a week,” I insist on the same answer I've been giving the doctor.
“Yes, but when does it become time? Tomorrow, a week, a month, a year? Your insurance won't cover it, nor can you afford it. The doctors aren't hopeful, Livy. I can't imagine what you're going through. I won't pretend to, but you're going to need to come to terms with this sooner or later.”
As much as I know, or at least think everyone around me is right, I still can't seem to manage the idea. It leaves me in shambles. I feel so useless. I tell my father good night, taking only a sandwich to my room. I run a bath, soaking in Rob's favorite lavender scented oils, with just a few candles lit.
He's all that’s on my mind. I think about how we met. I was taking the kids from my class on a field trip to the public library. Across the street, there was construction going on and two of the little boys got excited. They were jumping up and down and begging to go see the men work. I brought them to the fence, allowing them to watch. All the kids got a kick out of it.
More so when two of the men came over and asked what we were all doing. One of them was Rob. They answered all of the kids’ questions and even let them try on some hard hats. It was a great field trip. The next day I sent a thank you note to the men and at the end of the following school day, Rob showed up.
He said he couldn't get me off his mind and simply had to ask me out. I said yes right off and we went out the following weekend. We fell fast and hard for one another, quickly moving in, getting engaged and then married. Everyone who knew us thought we were nuts, but we didn't care. We knew what we wanted.
More recently, we had been talking about our future and how we wanted to one day move to a state where it's warmer year round. We spoke about having the kids we always wanted and even picked out the names we wanted to give them. All of it is so hard to think about now, but it makes me love him even more. It only makes it harder to let him go. I know it’s for the best, but how can I do such a thing?
After getting out of the bath, I nibble on my sandwich, not that I'm all that hungry. I feel rather sick, but know I need to eat. Once I put down as much as I can bear, I crawl into bed, falling asleep within moments of my head hitting the pillow.
*
“Olivia? Olivia, where are you? Can you hear me?”
I open my eyes and realize I'm surrounded by darkness. It's suffocating and impenetrable, as if I hadn't opened my eyes at all. I think I heard something, but now I'm not certain.
“Olivia, where are you?” the voice persists. “Please, call out to me, Livy.”
It's only when he calls me Livy that I realize who it is. “Rob?!” I call out, louder than I intend. “Is that you, where are you? Oh God, is this real?”
I begin to move around in the dark, my arms in front of me, searching for him.
“It's me baby, where are you? Don't stop calling out to me,” Slowly, his voice becomes clearer. I can tell he is near.
“I'm here. Oh, Rob, what’s going on? I'm right here, my love.”
I don't stop repeating myself, nor does he. We reach out to one another in search of our embrace. It's he who reaches out first, his hands skimming my face for a brief moment until they slide down and around me, pulling me close. I hear a sigh of relief from him as he holds me tightly. It's how he often hugs me, my smaller frame fitting perfectly into his.
He strokes my hair, a sob escaping his lips. “I found you. I finally found you. Oh my dearest love, I knew I would. I've been searching endlessly for you. I needed to see you one last time.”
Before I have a chance to ask or say anything, his mouth is on mine. He kisses me deeply, passion coursing through us both. I hold on to him, afraid this still isn't real. I'm scared that if I let go he'll vanish from me once more. He feels the same. His taste is just how I remember it. His body scent sparks every memory of our lives together.
I feel as though I'm drunk, so heady, but it’s the best possible feeling I've ever had. Rob's touch engulfs me. His lips that were seconds ago on mine now nibble across my jawline to my ear. His breathe tickling my skin, tattooing itself against my flesh, I feel the raised bumps of desire race through my body. My nipples harden, my core aching, my lips parting with a light moan dancing on them.
Where there was darkness is now a light glow, and the emptiness of wherever we were now has a bed. We ease down upon it, with him over me, dropping kisses along my flesh. We're both naked, but I don't question how. Only moments ago we were dressed. I must be losing my mind, but if it means I can be with the man I love, so be it. I'll run with it. Everyone needs a little bit of crazy in their lives.
My arms reach around, holding him close to me. My heart races like a galloping horse. My body trembles with yearning need. My hips lift to gyrate up against his movement. I can feel the steady hardness of his cock growing against my belly. One of his hands skims up into my long locks, gripping tightly. The other groping gently against my breast.
Pulling myself closer to him, I bite into his shoulder. He growls lowly, loving the mixture of how the bite hurts and turns quickly into the immense satisfaction that follows.
“Oh, my love, I've missed you so,” he breathes into my ear. His mouth trails down, tongue flicking against my nipple. The warm wetness is a sweet tease. Delicately, he does it again with my other nipple before returning to the first. Suckling it into his mouth, his teeth grip with just enough pressure before he begins to suck on it.
I push against his hot chest, rolling so I'm now on top of him. I lean down so he can continue sucking on my nipples. My hips move with ease against his shaft, which slides along my slit, without entering me. Panting and moaning, we glide together on a ride we're both so familiar with. Gasping out each time the head of his cock hits my clit perfectly, making me want to drive him into me. But I don't want to rush this. This is about love and need, not about lust and hunger.
My nipples become raw, aching just the way I like them and tender to the touch. Once more, I'm lying on my back. Rob swiftly moved me there, parting my legs, he trails his tongue along my inner thigh. The scintillation in his eyes each time he looks up at me teases my hunger for him. A gentle kiss along my mound, working further downwards as he parts my full lips with his thumbs. Small strokes of his tongue, like a kitten drinking milk from a bowl, he caresses my clit.
With just his tongue, he keeps lapping, holding me open with his fingers. No other touch at this moment, driving me closer to my edge of madness. My whole world spinning faster and faster until I see stars. I'm being driven higher, and only when he knows I'm at this point does he push his face into me more, grinding his mouth against my sex, sucking with more vigor on my clit.
The crash of my orgasm is outstanding, slamming through me like a thunderous tornado. His hands moving under me, holding me still as he feasts on my flesh. I’m climbing the walls of bliss and fear I might fall. I could if he weren’t holding me so tightly.
“Oh, Rob! Oh please,” I beg. “Don't...” I can't manage the last word. I don't want him to stop and I know he knows this. It's been so long that the orgasm feels like it lasts like a lifetime. One that I'll remember forever.
When it passes, he comes to lie beside me, having me face away from him. His face snuggles into my neck, whispering his love to me. “I do love you so very much, Livy. I want you to remember that forever,” he says, one hand under me, the other wrapped around my stomach as he caresses me. “Do you love me, my darling?”
“More than anything. You know this, my love,” I choke out, the tears burning at the edges of my eyes, threatening to spill over. “I can't live without you, you're all I've ever wanted.” My confession is nothing I've not said before. We've always been overly lovey with each other. Some of our friends have picked on us because we've never left the puppy-dog stage of our love.
Rob would often come home with roses, or send me a text asking me to change into his favorite dress and take me to dinner at the finest restaurants. In the summer, we'd go on picnics in the park. We sat near the lake and watched the children play. This is how we enjoyed our days together. I always packed his lunch for work and he also always came home to a home cooked meal. Of course, he insisted on cooking on the weekends.
“You'll never have to live without me, my beautiful girl,” Rob tells me as he brings my top leg up and over his. His hardness presses against my soaking sex.
With a slight adjustment, he pushes himself inside me, rocking into me with ease. His hand remains on my stomach, the other cups my breast, squeezing my nipple between his forefingers. Our bodies move with each other, a gentle pace of love and care. I'm able to turn so I can kiss him. Passionate and deeper than before, he nibbles my bottom lip, tugging on it playfully.
I feel so full with him inside me, as if I'm a whole person again. He thrusts into me as I grind back into him, our bodies moving with perfect harmony. The heat growing higher, the thickness of the air makes it harder to breathe, but I don't want anything to change. I can feel my pressure building, growing closer to my edge again. I gasp, trying and getting nearer to it. Rob knows. His lips leave mine, slipping towards my ear.
“Come for me, my love. I want to feel you explode around me.” The tingling of his words glides through my ear, down my body, and my sex responds.
“Oh Rob, my love,” I breathlessly say, tightening around his shaft. With each thrust, we steadily move together, both letting out a groan.
The grip of my walls is tighter around him, my orgasm spilling over. I come hard for him, giving him exactly what he wants. He grips me a little tighter, releasing himself inside me and joining me in my orgasm. Filling me with his seed, pumping into me, not as quickly, but still with need.
Our bodies are slick with a light sweat. We are hot and trembling with the effect of our love making. Rob holds me close to him, resting his face in my neck. He caresses my stomach still, with a slow, sleepy motion, whispering his love again and again. We stay like this until I drift off to sleep in his arms, which I've longed to do for so long.
*
“You're my angel, now let me be yours.” The sound of Rob's voice drifts into my dreams, but quickly followed by a rapping at my bedroom door.
“Olivia, wake up, dear. Olivia,” my mum's voice comes from the other side of the door, knocking still. “There’s a phone call for you. It's the doctor.”
Hearing that, I throw my blankets off, swinging my legs over my bed, and sliding into my robe in the blink of an eye. I whip open my bedroom door, brushing past my mother without a word, I hurry down the stairs and into the kitchen where I know I've left my phone.
“Hello, yes? This is Olivia.”
“Hello Mrs. Reed, could you please come down to the hospital so we can speak in person?” I can tell by Doctor Evans's tone that something terrible has happened.
“But why? Why can't you tell me now? What's wrong?” I ask, trembling, my nerves on edge.
“Please, Mrs. Reed, just come down to the hospital.”
I agree, knowing he is pressing pretty hard. I rush upstairs and throw on a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt, I don't care about what I look like. I just want to know what is going on with my husband.
It only takes me twenty minutes to dress, drive and get to the entrance of the hospital. I park in the emergency parking lot, as it is closer to Rob's room. Making my way up to his floor in no time.
“Hi, I'm looking for Dr. Evans,” I breathe out, trying to catch my breath from taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
The nurse at the desk is one I've seen many times in the past month, but today she doesn't give me an encouraging smile. She looks mournful. My heart drops, but before I can say anything I see Dr. Evans.
“Mrs. Reed,” he says, walking toward me, looking dreadful.
“No. No, no, no. Don't say it. Don't you dare say it!” My voice rises too high for the unit I'm in. We're not allowed to speak above a whisper, not to disturb the patients.
“Please, Mrs. Reed, I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry.”
“It can't be. He can't, it's not possible. He's going to wake up. We had hopes, I can't. Just please.”
My head is spinning, I can't take everything in. I know I haven't let him explain. I'm not sure I can. I haven't allowed myself to face this kind of truth. I've known deep down, but I've managed to suppress it. I can't allow it to be something that can happen. Not to me, not to my Rob. My husband, the man I'm in love with.
The outer edges of my eyes begin to go dark, closing in on me until I see nothing. It feels almost like it did last night, but I don't hear Rob call out to me. Not this time. I seek him out, calling his name. I hear nothing but the echo of my own voice.
*
“Honey, can you hear me? Wake up now sweetie.” My dad's voice is gentle. I can tell he’s holding my hand. His hands are always warmer than most people's. “You had us worried. You need to come back to us.”
My eyes flutter open. Slowly, forms take shape and I realize I'm lying on a hospital bed. The light over my bed is dim, so I'm not blinded by it. My father to my right, my mother to my left, and at the end of my bed a nurse is checking what I'm guessing is my chart. I let out a groan, rubbing the back of my head with my free hand.
“Careful, Livy, you passed out. You have a small bump on the back of your head,” dad tells me, a look of concern in his eye.
My mother rubs my arm. She lets my dad do the comforting, but I can tell she’s holding back tears. It's then I remember why I'm here in the first place and the tears come rushing forward. I begin to sob uncontrollably, hiccupping, because I can't stop gasping for air. The nurse excuses herself after telling my mother that the doctor will be in shortly.
He arrives ten minutes later. I'm still crying, my father doing his best to sooth me. I don't think anything can at this point. I need to face the fact my husband is gone and I'll never see him again.
“Mrs. Reed, I'm so very sorry for your loss. You know how much hope I had, but sometimes it just doesn't go our way. This is a time for loss, but you must take care of yourself. Let your parents be there for you and help you along the next part of your journey in life.”
I'm confused by what the doctor is saying, it isn't something you'd hear from a doctor after the loss of a loved one. I shake my head slightly, trying to clear the haze.
“Dr. Evans, whatever are you talking about?”
“Do you not know? Mrs. Reed, you're pregnant,” he says, slightly shocked I had no idea.
“Pregnant? What, no. We weren't even trying.”
*
Seven months later…
Today is the first time I've taken the twins to their father's gravesite. It's the first day of the year it's been nice enough to do so. I've laid out a blanket where we're resting, with a picnic basket. Rob's headstone is a beautiful one. We spent more than we should have on something like a stone, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I visit him often, so I figured I should.
After finding out that I was pregnant, they ran tests to confirm it. I was certain I wasn’t. But then I found out I was four months along and carrying twins. The doctor couldn’t explain why I hadn't been showing. Of course from then on, my parents and I made sure I got on a healthy diet, taking pregnancy vitamins and all of the things you're supposed to do. I started seeing a therapist in hopes it would help me grieve. I knew I couldn't allow myself to fall apart. I had two huge reasons to live.
“My sweetest darling, I can't believe it has been a little over seven months since you've been gone. You've left behind two beautiful gifts. I want you to meet your babies, Olly and Rayna. I know you're sitting up there with a smile on your face so big it’s hurting your cheeks. You're our angel, watching down, protecting us.
“I know now why you said you had to come see me and say goodbye, my love. You knew you were going to die. You were ready, weren't you?” Tears fight to escape my eyes, as I talk to him. “I wish you’d told me the night you came to me. I still don't know if it was real or a dream. I just know I'm so grateful. Oh darling, I love you so much.”
I may never know what actually happened that night, but I do know that the love my husband and I share caused it to come to life. I'm open to loving another man one day, when I'm ready, but I know I'll never love a man like I loved Rob. He was my one true love, but I know he'd not want me to be alone forever.
Until then, I have Olly and Rayna to raise, and I talk often to them about their father. They may not have ever gotten the chance to meet him, but I want them to know that he was a great man. With the help of my parents, I know they'll know nothing else.
With that, I can take peace.
The doctor drones on, but I've heard it all before. It seems like a hundred doctors have come through this little room that smells of disinfectant, filling with the hissing sounds of life-support machines, only to tell me the same bad news over and over. I just can't accept that my husband of ten years is in a coma and waiting to die.
*
It was a normal day. I made my husband's lunch, kissed him goodbye, and went to work. My morning was busy, as they often are. It wasn't until after lunch that I got the call. I'm a teacher and was in the middle of giving the children a quiz on spelling when there was a knock at the door. Principal Warner looked pale as he waved me over. He looked shaken and told me I had an emergency call. The fact that he was interrupting my class meant it was serious. A sense of dread settled over me and I felt nauseous as I rushed down to the main office.
Picking up the phone, I cradled it between my ear and shoulder. “Hello, this is Mrs. Reed. How can I help?” I answered as evenly as I could, trying not to let my fear creep into my voice. Not many people had my work number and I knew any emergency that justified my being called here had to be very serious.
“Olivia, it's me, John, Rob's boss. I'm afraid there's been an accident. It's bad, really bad. I'm so sorry. They've rushed Rob off to St. Mary's. I think you should be with him.” I was in shock and it took a moment for it to sink in. “Are you still there?” he asked after a few breaths.
I hung up the phone without so much as a goodbye. All I could think of was getting to Rob as fast as I could, and find out the details of what happened when I got there. I was already painfully aware of the risks of my husband's job.
I let the secretary at the front desk know I was leaving, all the while, trying to keep myself composed. Rob had been hurt at work before. Injuries came with the job. He worked in construction and we both knew the dangers that entailed. It took all I had to keep my mind from racing with dreadful possibilities.
Once I was in the car, nothing could stop me from getting to the hospital. I rushed through lanes, zigzagged between cars and even sped through a stop sign. I knew I was being reckless, but I just didn’t care at that moment.
The next thing I knew, I was speaking to the nurse in the emergency room. “Yes, hi. My husband was rushed here not long ago. His name is Rob, Rob Reed. Can you tell me what room he’s in, please?”
She went about her business calmly, scrolling the mouse while her eyes remained focused on the computer monitor in front of her, as if I were just one more detail added to her list. All I could focus on were her perfectly manicured nails tapping away on the keyboard. I wanted to scream as I fidgeted in front of the desk, impatiently waiting for her to answer my question.
Finally, she looked up at me. “He's in the OR right now, ma'am. If you'd like to take a seat, someone will be with you shortly.”
“Take a seat? Take a seat? Are you kidding me? I don't want to wait for the doctor. I want to know what’s going on with my husband!”
I knew it wasn't her fault. More than likely she was simply following protocol. I just didn't care. I wanted to know how my husband was doing. I wanted to see him. I needed to know he was okay.
“I'm sorry, ma'am. The doctor will be with you soon,” she responded, effectively shutting out my complaints.
By the time I moved to the waiting room, tears were flowing down my cheeks. My emotions ran from hope to dismay and I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know if his being in the O.R. was a good thing or not. Maybe it was and they were fixing him up, or maybe he was so badly hurt they could only buy time. I had no idea, and the unknown was what scared me the most.
Hours passed and no one came to see me except the nurse who brought me coffee and would say nothing more than I had to wait. I had no one else to talk to or to share my worries with. Rob had no family to speak of, his parents having passed away when he was young. I could have called my own, but they were over five hours away. Rob and I had put off having kids, wanting to be financially ready for them. We knew we'd be starting soon, finally.
“Excuse me, Mrs. Reed?” Hearing my name rattled me out of a light sleep. Looking up, I saw a doctor standing over me. He looked to be in his fifties with a soft smile and greying hair.
“Yes, that's me. How is Rob? Is he okay? Can I see him?”
“I'm Dr. Evans. I'm sorry, ma’am. We've done everything we can right now. He fell off some rafters at work and hit his head. The swelling is bad and it's causing him to be in a coma. Right now it's a waiting game. His lungs and spine are also damaged. It doesn't look good.”
*
That’s what the doctor told me the first day. Now it’s a month later and Rob is slowly getting worse. My parents have driven up and are staying with me. They've talked to me about pulling the plug, but I can't do that. Rob and I never talked about those things. We never made plans for this kind of emergency, and now I’m angry with myself for not doing so. How childish. These things are important to know.
I fear that if I do, I'd be taking his life. What if he does wake up? His insurance company is breathing down my neck and threatening to stop coverage. The doctor is no help. He says that as of right now, the machines are all that’s keeping him alive. He says Rob is no longer there, but I just don't believe it. School ended two weeks ago and now I spend every waking moment with my husband.
I've heard talking to people in comas helps keep them stay connected to the real world. So I do. I read the sports page to him every day and fill him in on whether his favorite teams have won or lost. I bathe him and even watch the weekly episode of Game of Thrones with him. I know he would never want to miss that show.
My mother tells me I need to let go, that it isn't healthy for me to go on like this. But I just can't. How can I let go of a man I'm in love with? He is mine, my protector, my hero, my lover, my husband, my everything. I can't lose him. When I think too much on it, I cry so hard I feel as though I could never cry again, but somehow I find a way to do just that.
*
“Any news today?” my father asks me, as he embraces me tightly.
His strength keeps me from feeling like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. My parents have basically put their lives on hold to be with me now. I'm grateful for that. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating, but I know I'd be a lot worse off if I had to do this alone.
Of course, friends on both my side and Rob's have been a big help. As much as they can be, at least. A lot of them bring food and ask what else they can do, but there isn't anything they can do for Rob. Thankfully they don't linger for very long.
“Daddy, they say there is no hope left. They say I need to come to terms with losing him. They're pushing me to pull the plug. Oh, they aren't being cruel about it. They've been great and so understanding. But how can I just let him go?”
“It's hard, Olivia, but if there’s no hope, what more can be done?" He has always been the more sensitive of my parents. Even now, as he speaks, he’s holding back tears. It makes me want to comfort him instead of him doing so for me.
“But no one knows for sure. He could wake up. He could wake up tomorrow, or in a week,” I insist on the same answer I've been giving the doctor.
“Yes, but when does it become time? Tomorrow, a week, a month, a year? Your insurance won't cover it, nor can you afford it. The doctors aren't hopeful, Livy. I can't imagine what you're going through. I won't pretend to, but you're going to need to come to terms with this sooner or later.”
As much as I know, or at least think everyone around me is right, I still can't seem to manage the idea. It leaves me in shambles. I feel so useless. I tell my father good night, taking only a sandwich to my room. I run a bath, soaking in Rob's favorite lavender scented oils, with just a few candles lit.
He's all that’s on my mind. I think about how we met. I was taking the kids from my class on a field trip to the public library. Across the street, there was construction going on and two of the little boys got excited. They were jumping up and down and begging to go see the men work. I brought them to the fence, allowing them to watch. All the kids got a kick out of it.
More so when two of the men came over and asked what we were all doing. One of them was Rob. They answered all of the kids’ questions and even let them try on some hard hats. It was a great field trip. The next day I sent a thank you note to the men and at the end of the following school day, Rob showed up.
He said he couldn't get me off his mind and simply had to ask me out. I said yes right off and we went out the following weekend. We fell fast and hard for one another, quickly moving in, getting engaged and then married. Everyone who knew us thought we were nuts, but we didn't care. We knew what we wanted.
More recently, we had been talking about our future and how we wanted to one day move to a state where it's warmer year round. We spoke about having the kids we always wanted and even picked out the names we wanted to give them. All of it is so hard to think about now, but it makes me love him even more. It only makes it harder to let him go. I know it’s for the best, but how can I do such a thing?
After getting out of the bath, I nibble on my sandwich, not that I'm all that hungry. I feel rather sick, but know I need to eat. Once I put down as much as I can bear, I crawl into bed, falling asleep within moments of my head hitting the pillow.
*
“Olivia? Olivia, where are you? Can you hear me?”
I open my eyes and realize I'm surrounded by darkness. It's suffocating and impenetrable, as if I hadn't opened my eyes at all. I think I heard something, but now I'm not certain.
“Olivia, where are you?” the voice persists. “Please, call out to me, Livy.”
It's only when he calls me Livy that I realize who it is. “Rob?!” I call out, louder than I intend. “Is that you, where are you? Oh God, is this real?”
I begin to move around in the dark, my arms in front of me, searching for him.
“It's me baby, where are you? Don't stop calling out to me,” Slowly, his voice becomes clearer. I can tell he is near.
“I'm here. Oh, Rob, what’s going on? I'm right here, my love.”
I don't stop repeating myself, nor does he. We reach out to one another in search of our embrace. It's he who reaches out first, his hands skimming my face for a brief moment until they slide down and around me, pulling me close. I hear a sigh of relief from him as he holds me tightly. It's how he often hugs me, my smaller frame fitting perfectly into his.
He strokes my hair, a sob escaping his lips. “I found you. I finally found you. Oh my dearest love, I knew I would. I've been searching endlessly for you. I needed to see you one last time.”
Before I have a chance to ask or say anything, his mouth is on mine. He kisses me deeply, passion coursing through us both. I hold on to him, afraid this still isn't real. I'm scared that if I let go he'll vanish from me once more. He feels the same. His taste is just how I remember it. His body scent sparks every memory of our lives together.
I feel as though I'm drunk, so heady, but it’s the best possible feeling I've ever had. Rob's touch engulfs me. His lips that were seconds ago on mine now nibble across my jawline to my ear. His breathe tickling my skin, tattooing itself against my flesh, I feel the raised bumps of desire race through my body. My nipples harden, my core aching, my lips parting with a light moan dancing on them.
Where there was darkness is now a light glow, and the emptiness of wherever we were now has a bed. We ease down upon it, with him over me, dropping kisses along my flesh. We're both naked, but I don't question how. Only moments ago we were dressed. I must be losing my mind, but if it means I can be with the man I love, so be it. I'll run with it. Everyone needs a little bit of crazy in their lives.
My arms reach around, holding him close to me. My heart races like a galloping horse. My body trembles with yearning need. My hips lift to gyrate up against his movement. I can feel the steady hardness of his cock growing against my belly. One of his hands skims up into my long locks, gripping tightly. The other groping gently against my breast.
Pulling myself closer to him, I bite into his shoulder. He growls lowly, loving the mixture of how the bite hurts and turns quickly into the immense satisfaction that follows.
“Oh, my love, I've missed you so,” he breathes into my ear. His mouth trails down, tongue flicking against my nipple. The warm wetness is a sweet tease. Delicately, he does it again with my other nipple before returning to the first. Suckling it into his mouth, his teeth grip with just enough pressure before he begins to suck on it.
I push against his hot chest, rolling so I'm now on top of him. I lean down so he can continue sucking on my nipples. My hips move with ease against his shaft, which slides along my slit, without entering me. Panting and moaning, we glide together on a ride we're both so familiar with. Gasping out each time the head of his cock hits my clit perfectly, making me want to drive him into me. But I don't want to rush this. This is about love and need, not about lust and hunger.
My nipples become raw, aching just the way I like them and tender to the touch. Once more, I'm lying on my back. Rob swiftly moved me there, parting my legs, he trails his tongue along my inner thigh. The scintillation in his eyes each time he looks up at me teases my hunger for him. A gentle kiss along my mound, working further downwards as he parts my full lips with his thumbs. Small strokes of his tongue, like a kitten drinking milk from a bowl, he caresses my clit.
With just his tongue, he keeps lapping, holding me open with his fingers. No other touch at this moment, driving me closer to my edge of madness. My whole world spinning faster and faster until I see stars. I'm being driven higher, and only when he knows I'm at this point does he push his face into me more, grinding his mouth against my sex, sucking with more vigor on my clit.
The crash of my orgasm is outstanding, slamming through me like a thunderous tornado. His hands moving under me, holding me still as he feasts on my flesh. I’m climbing the walls of bliss and fear I might fall. I could if he weren’t holding me so tightly.
“Oh, Rob! Oh please,” I beg. “Don't...” I can't manage the last word. I don't want him to stop and I know he knows this. It's been so long that the orgasm feels like it lasts like a lifetime. One that I'll remember forever.
When it passes, he comes to lie beside me, having me face away from him. His face snuggles into my neck, whispering his love to me. “I do love you so very much, Livy. I want you to remember that forever,” he says, one hand under me, the other wrapped around my stomach as he caresses me. “Do you love me, my darling?”
“More than anything. You know this, my love,” I choke out, the tears burning at the edges of my eyes, threatening to spill over. “I can't live without you, you're all I've ever wanted.” My confession is nothing I've not said before. We've always been overly lovey with each other. Some of our friends have picked on us because we've never left the puppy-dog stage of our love.
Rob would often come home with roses, or send me a text asking me to change into his favorite dress and take me to dinner at the finest restaurants. In the summer, we'd go on picnics in the park. We sat near the lake and watched the children play. This is how we enjoyed our days together. I always packed his lunch for work and he also always came home to a home cooked meal. Of course, he insisted on cooking on the weekends.
“You'll never have to live without me, my beautiful girl,” Rob tells me as he brings my top leg up and over his. His hardness presses against my soaking sex.
With a slight adjustment, he pushes himself inside me, rocking into me with ease. His hand remains on my stomach, the other cups my breast, squeezing my nipple between his forefingers. Our bodies move with each other, a gentle pace of love and care. I'm able to turn so I can kiss him. Passionate and deeper than before, he nibbles my bottom lip, tugging on it playfully.
I feel so full with him inside me, as if I'm a whole person again. He thrusts into me as I grind back into him, our bodies moving with perfect harmony. The heat growing higher, the thickness of the air makes it harder to breathe, but I don't want anything to change. I can feel my pressure building, growing closer to my edge again. I gasp, trying and getting nearer to it. Rob knows. His lips leave mine, slipping towards my ear.
“Come for me, my love. I want to feel you explode around me.” The tingling of his words glides through my ear, down my body, and my sex responds.
“Oh Rob, my love,” I breathlessly say, tightening around his shaft. With each thrust, we steadily move together, both letting out a groan.
The grip of my walls is tighter around him, my orgasm spilling over. I come hard for him, giving him exactly what he wants. He grips me a little tighter, releasing himself inside me and joining me in my orgasm. Filling me with his seed, pumping into me, not as quickly, but still with need.
Our bodies are slick with a light sweat. We are hot and trembling with the effect of our love making. Rob holds me close to him, resting his face in my neck. He caresses my stomach still, with a slow, sleepy motion, whispering his love again and again. We stay like this until I drift off to sleep in his arms, which I've longed to do for so long.
*
“You're my angel, now let me be yours.” The sound of Rob's voice drifts into my dreams, but quickly followed by a rapping at my bedroom door.
“Olivia, wake up, dear. Olivia,” my mum's voice comes from the other side of the door, knocking still. “There’s a phone call for you. It's the doctor.”
Hearing that, I throw my blankets off, swinging my legs over my bed, and sliding into my robe in the blink of an eye. I whip open my bedroom door, brushing past my mother without a word, I hurry down the stairs and into the kitchen where I know I've left my phone.
“Hello, yes? This is Olivia.”
“Hello Mrs. Reed, could you please come down to the hospital so we can speak in person?” I can tell by Doctor Evans's tone that something terrible has happened.
“But why? Why can't you tell me now? What's wrong?” I ask, trembling, my nerves on edge.
“Please, Mrs. Reed, just come down to the hospital.”
I agree, knowing he is pressing pretty hard. I rush upstairs and throw on a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt, I don't care about what I look like. I just want to know what is going on with my husband.
It only takes me twenty minutes to dress, drive and get to the entrance of the hospital. I park in the emergency parking lot, as it is closer to Rob's room. Making my way up to his floor in no time.
“Hi, I'm looking for Dr. Evans,” I breathe out, trying to catch my breath from taking the stairs instead of the elevator.
The nurse at the desk is one I've seen many times in the past month, but today she doesn't give me an encouraging smile. She looks mournful. My heart drops, but before I can say anything I see Dr. Evans.
“Mrs. Reed,” he says, walking toward me, looking dreadful.
“No. No, no, no. Don't say it. Don't you dare say it!” My voice rises too high for the unit I'm in. We're not allowed to speak above a whisper, not to disturb the patients.
“Please, Mrs. Reed, I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry.”
“It can't be. He can't, it's not possible. He's going to wake up. We had hopes, I can't. Just please.”
My head is spinning, I can't take everything in. I know I haven't let him explain. I'm not sure I can. I haven't allowed myself to face this kind of truth. I've known deep down, but I've managed to suppress it. I can't allow it to be something that can happen. Not to me, not to my Rob. My husband, the man I'm in love with.
The outer edges of my eyes begin to go dark, closing in on me until I see nothing. It feels almost like it did last night, but I don't hear Rob call out to me. Not this time. I seek him out, calling his name. I hear nothing but the echo of my own voice.
*
“Honey, can you hear me? Wake up now sweetie.” My dad's voice is gentle. I can tell he’s holding my hand. His hands are always warmer than most people's. “You had us worried. You need to come back to us.”
My eyes flutter open. Slowly, forms take shape and I realize I'm lying on a hospital bed. The light over my bed is dim, so I'm not blinded by it. My father to my right, my mother to my left, and at the end of my bed a nurse is checking what I'm guessing is my chart. I let out a groan, rubbing the back of my head with my free hand.
“Careful, Livy, you passed out. You have a small bump on the back of your head,” dad tells me, a look of concern in his eye.
My mother rubs my arm. She lets my dad do the comforting, but I can tell she’s holding back tears. It's then I remember why I'm here in the first place and the tears come rushing forward. I begin to sob uncontrollably, hiccupping, because I can't stop gasping for air. The nurse excuses herself after telling my mother that the doctor will be in shortly.
He arrives ten minutes later. I'm still crying, my father doing his best to sooth me. I don't think anything can at this point. I need to face the fact my husband is gone and I'll never see him again.
“Mrs. Reed, I'm so very sorry for your loss. You know how much hope I had, but sometimes it just doesn't go our way. This is a time for loss, but you must take care of yourself. Let your parents be there for you and help you along the next part of your journey in life.”
I'm confused by what the doctor is saying, it isn't something you'd hear from a doctor after the loss of a loved one. I shake my head slightly, trying to clear the haze.
“Dr. Evans, whatever are you talking about?”
“Do you not know? Mrs. Reed, you're pregnant,” he says, slightly shocked I had no idea.
“Pregnant? What, no. We weren't even trying.”
*
Seven months later…
Today is the first time I've taken the twins to their father's gravesite. It's the first day of the year it's been nice enough to do so. I've laid out a blanket where we're resting, with a picnic basket. Rob's headstone is a beautiful one. We spent more than we should have on something like a stone, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I visit him often, so I figured I should.
After finding out that I was pregnant, they ran tests to confirm it. I was certain I wasn’t. But then I found out I was four months along and carrying twins. The doctor couldn’t explain why I hadn't been showing. Of course from then on, my parents and I made sure I got on a healthy diet, taking pregnancy vitamins and all of the things you're supposed to do. I started seeing a therapist in hopes it would help me grieve. I knew I couldn't allow myself to fall apart. I had two huge reasons to live.
“My sweetest darling, I can't believe it has been a little over seven months since you've been gone. You've left behind two beautiful gifts. I want you to meet your babies, Olly and Rayna. I know you're sitting up there with a smile on your face so big it’s hurting your cheeks. You're our angel, watching down, protecting us.
“I know now why you said you had to come see me and say goodbye, my love. You knew you were going to die. You were ready, weren't you?” Tears fight to escape my eyes, as I talk to him. “I wish you’d told me the night you came to me. I still don't know if it was real or a dream. I just know I'm so grateful. Oh darling, I love you so much.”
I may never know what actually happened that night, but I do know that the love my husband and I share caused it to come to life. I'm open to loving another man one day, when I'm ready, but I know I'll never love a man like I loved Rob. He was my one true love, but I know he'd not want me to be alone forever.
Until then, I have Olly and Rayna to raise, and I talk often to them about their father. They may not have ever gotten the chance to meet him, but I want them to know that he was a great man. With the help of my parents, I know they'll know nothing else.
With that, I can take peace.
Mara
- 04.02.2022
- 11
- 0
- Category:
- Seduction
