Magic Depot Changed My Life
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Opening Of New Magic Depot Store free porn video
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Opening Of New Magic Depot Store - Video Transcription
By Cabinessence
The following is a transcription of a newscast that was broadcast about
two weeks ago about the opening of the Magic Depot Superstore on Route 9
near Fishkill, New York.
"Hello this is Steve Schantz for Poughkeepsie, Channel 8 news. Well
everyone in town is abuzz about the opening of the new Magic Depot store
here in Fishkill. This chain headquartered in Transylvania, Pennsylvania is
the new success story in the wave of superstores that are opening up all
across America. Here for the grand opening are such celebrities as the
Lucky Charms Leprechaun and Casper, in his first public appearance since he
was cleared of charges that he was a bit too friendly ghost one night in
his hotel room. (Camera pans to show the celebs signing autographs for
their fans and starts to move inside. A car pulls up driven by an
attractive woman and the camera pans over the bumpersticker CIRCE
SAYS:ALL MEN ARE PIGS). Lets go inside and take a look around shall
we?"
The following signs are shown as the camera enters the building:
"ANYONE CAUGHT SHOPLIFTING WILL BE IMMEDIATELY
TRANSFORMED BACK INTO THEIR ORIGINAL FORM AND
PROCSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW"
"IF THERE ARE MORE THAN FIVE PEOPLE IN LINE, THE MANAGER
WILL CONJURE UP ANOTHER CASHIER"
"BE SURE TO RESISTER FOR A CHANCE TO WIN A FANTASY
CRUISE. BE TRANSFORMED INTO THE BUXOM BIMBO OF YOUR
CHOICE AS YOU SAMPLE EXOTIC PORTS OF CALL. COURTESY OF
GLOVER TRAVEL."
"Hi, with me now is Ludwig Von Drake, the manager here at Magic Depot,
care to show us around?"
"Sure Steve, the one thing we pride ourselves on here is a great selection.
Let's go down isle four and I'll show you what I mean. In most magic stores
you may find only one or two cauldrons, but here we have them in all shapes,
sizes, and colors."
"I thought most cauldrons were black."
"That's not good enough for most of today's hipper witches. We have a
whole range of neon and dayglo colored cauldrons, as well as glow in the
dark models. These are particularly handy for those witches who like to
conjure in the dark. Most of today's cauldrons are coated with Teflon, so
they can be cleaned easily after you are through conjuring . We also have a
portable laptop model for the sorcerer on the go. And for the truly modern
witch we have microwave cauldrons which quickly zaps your witches brew or
potion to the prescribed temperature in seconds. No more dealing with all
the hassles involved trying to set up a fire."
"You mentioned witches brews, do you carry them here?"
"Most witches like to make their own, and we carry a full line of
ingredients. We have only the finest eye of newt, the animal not the
speaker of the house, bat's wings, and even 100% guaranteed blood from a
fully registered certified virgin. Most of these items are also offered in
our generic bulk sales aisle so that you can save even more than are
already low price on comparable name brand products. Of course for the
witch on the go who doesn't always have the time to mix her own brew, we
carry powered instant brews as well as the entire line of Witches Brews
from Snapple. These brews are all natural with absolutely no artificial
ingredients or colors."
"What does the "NO LTS" on the label stand for?"
"It stands for No Lizard Tail Substitute. There was a shortage of
lizard tails a few years ago especially from the far east and many brews
started using a lizard tail substitute that was created from chemicals in a
lab. Sometimes the results were unpredictable. Some people have used this
to try to explain Pauly Shore. Snapple is just reassuring folks that they
use only real ingredients. I especially like the new Strawberry Kiwi,
nothing like that fruity bird flavor, but just be careful because with the
right incantation it could turn you into a cocker spaniel. Now let's go to
aisle five. Here we have our crystal balls. Of course today's crystal
balls are actually made of an unbreakable polymer."
"So why is that ?"
"Glass was found in a Mulder University study to be a poor conduit of
images from the neatherworld. That is why most mediums in earlier days were
found to be frauds. Instead a team of government gypsy scientists came up
with this polymer blend that is not only better at retrieving images of the
dead in near digital quality, but also providing CD quality sound. This
has allowed for better communication with the spirit world as well as
several tapes of new material by Jerry Garcia and Jimi Hendrix. "
"Wow, and what is this device attached to this crystal ball?"
"This is hookup to the crystal ball satellite system, or CBSS . It
allows you not only to receive signals from all over heaven and hell, but
also from over 600 alternative universes as well. Many people love the all
sports universe."
"You really look after the customers here."
"Well without people, magic would be useless and we try to listen to
our customers. For example we now offer magic lamps in one and two wish
sizes as well as the traditional three. This is for the customer who just
can't afford or just doesn't need three wishes. Then we also took our
customers suggestions into account when we commissioned a new design for
our magic carpets."
"A new design? Why?"
"As you might already know, magic carpets have traditionally come the
Middle East, particularly the areas now known as Iraq and Iran. Because of the
trade embargoes against these countries in the past few years, the legitimate
magic carpet market has all but dried up. The Israelis tried to get into the
business, but their carpets wouldn't fly on the Sabbath. So we contracted with
some of the best magical designers and engineers in this country and abroad to
come up with a new model. What we have come up with is a magic carpet
made out of a light rayon/nylon blend for better areodynamics and a quieter
smoother more comfortable ride. It has also been Scotch guarded to make
easier to clean, if you happen to spill something in flight. And on this years
model, also in response to consumer demand, we have added cup holders."
"What's that line over there?" (Picture of ten people waiting impatiently in
line)
"That's the waiting line to fill out an application to purchase a magic
wand. As you know, the Tinkerbell Bill passed by Congress two years ago set
a five day waiting period to purchase a magic wand in order to allow law
enforcement agencies to do a background check on the purchaser . You
wouldn't want a magic wand to fall into the hands of a criminal or an evil
grand vezeer would you?"
"No, but I do remember what caused that bill to be passed in the first
place. Some terrorist smuggled one aboard an airplane and threatened to
turn the pilot and co-pilot into chickens if they didn't fly him to Cuba."
"Yes, all the wands we sell here will trigger the alarm on the magic
wand detection devices at most major airports. We also don't sell the
so-called "All Hollows Eve Specials" small cheap magic wands that can be
easily concealed and cause unexpected and sometimes dangerous
transformations."
"This certainly is a big place. People have been critical ,saying that
you are responsible for putting the smaller gypsy and witch magic retailers
out of business."
"That's not entirely true. Traditionally where did you have to go if you
wanted to have a spell cast? You'd have to go deep into a dark forest glen
to find a witches cottage. Not only was this not convenient to the average
consumer, located off in some unlit remote area with little or no parking,
but it was not even safe enough to bring the kids. In this respect the
story of Hanzel and Gretel comes to mind. However, here at Magic Depot we
are located in a well lit shopping mall with parking for over two thousand
cars and we are located right off a major interstate. And we love kids,
matter of fact some of our best customers have been turned into them. If
the smaller magic retailer was put out of business, it was because of their
failure to change with consumer taste, not because of us."
" With so much to choose from here, what is your biggest selling item?"
"These, just wait a minute and I'll get a pair." The salesmen goes up
an aisle and comes back with a pair of ruby red slippers.
"I remember those from the Wizard Of Oz."
"Yes, and you will also remember that to get home all she had to do
was click her heels and say there is no place like home. What she didn't
realize is that these shoes can take you anywhere as long as you are
specific. If you were to say there is no place like "Joe's Bar And Grill"
on 5th Avenue, and click your heels, the shoes would take you right there.
People are snapping these up as an alternative non polluting and cheap
mode of transportation."
"Has any item not performed up to expectations?"
"That would have to be Jack's magic beans. It seems that most people
don't want to climb a beanstalk just to have to deal with a giant. Then
there are the huge income taxes to be paid if you happen to be able to
bring back a golden egg from the goose that laid it. It just wasn't worth
the hassle is what we heard from our market researchers. But we were able
to find a niche group that was very interested in finding giants"
"Who was that?"
"NBA scouts. One giant that was signed to a contract now says Fe Fi Fo
Fum I smell the blood of Michael Jordan."
"So people are generally happy with what they purchase here at Magic
Depot."
" If they aren't we have a fully staffed customer service department to
help with problems after the sale. Let me show you."
The camera then follows them to the front of the store. A guy with a
box that contains a beetle running around on some dirt is talking to a
representative.
"My son wants to be a rock musician. All I wished for was for him to
be able to play like a Beatle instead of all that alternative crap you hear
on the radio today. I never expected him to be changed into an insect."
"Well sir remember, a monkey's paw is an artifact of an ancient
civilization. It is not hip to modern culture and expressions. When you
said you wanted him to play like a Beatle, well the paw only knew about the
bug. Seems like he is having a great time playing in that dirt."
"Can you change him back?."
"Don't worry sir, we want our customers to be satisfied. Just go to the
returns wizard and he'll be happy to change your son back."
"Thank you. I didn't want to have to start carrying pictures of a bug
in my wallet."
Next a man with some animated green slime on his shoulder started
talking.
"I tried a spell from this book and I ended up with this green schmuck
on my shoulder."
"The problem is you tried to invoke a spell written in ancient
Babylonian with your heavy New York accent and you messed up the
pronunciation. What you ended up with is a goblin on your shoulder."
"So how do I get rid of it?"
"Goblin remover is down aisle ten. That should help you. Next"
A man walks up and points to his wife who is fast asleep on a chair on
the side.
"I think she took a little too much of this. She has been having
trouble sleeping and now I can't seem to wake her up."
"Oh she took too much of the Sleeping Beauty sleep aid. Well one of you
should have read the instructions closer. It clearly states that overuse
of this product may result in a permanent state of slumber and require the
kiss of a prince to reawaken."
"Well where can I find a prince in mid state New York?"
"Don't worry each Magic Depot is fully equipped with it's own prince,
available for rental, for just such an occasion. Go see the prince rental
agent at the end of aisle six."
The camera pans back to Steve and Ludwig.
"Well Ludwig, is there anything else you would like to show our
viewers?"
"Well we have a special guest here to give a demonstration of a hot
new product. Professor Anne Chamberlin from Stephanie DNA Research
Labs.
Let's go to aisle two."
The camera follows the manager to an attractive dark haired woman in a
blue lab coat. She is surrounded by bins of test tubes packaged with
syringes with names of celebrities in big dark letters on the top of the
package. There is a chart behind her with:
THE TOP TEN DNA SELLERS FOR JULY
1. JENNY McCARTHY
2. TOM CRUISE
3. ALICIA SILVERSTONE
4. ALANIS MORRISETTE
5. BRAD PITT
6. SANDRA BULLOCK
7. PAMELA ANDERSON LEE (NOTE:THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE
SILICONE ENHANCEMENT)
8. GILLIAN ANDERSON
9. DAVID DUCHOVNY
10. LUCY LAWLESS
To her left is two college guys wearing SUNY of New Paltz tee shirts.
They are looking through a bin marked New Releases. The manager speaks.
"I'd like to introduce you to Professor Chamberlin. This is Steve
Schantz from TV's channel 8 news. I will leave you two while I attend to
business at the front of the store. Someone's child has bit off a shutter
from one of our pre-fabricated gingerbread houses. I'll be right back."
"So tell me professor a little about how ordinary people can literally
look like famous people through the use of your product?"
"Well, it was five years ago when Stephanie Labs first discovered a
method to change one person into another by altering their DNA into that of
the person they want to become. Then we had to figure out a way to best
market this product. So we asked a group of people who they would like to
look like and most of the answers you can find on the chart behind me. So
we approached certain movie stars, models, and athletes and asked if they
would license us the right to use their DNA for a substantial royalty rate.
At first we were only able to get some Playboy playmates and the Barbi
twins, but soon many Hollywood celebrities decided to cash in also after
they saw the sales results. It still tough to sign athletes because they
fear one day competing with themselves."
"But what would keep me from using the product and becoming Tom Cruise
and taking over his life?"
"When the FDA approved use of this drug, they said that we would be
required to provide a way to tell a person's true identity. So we don't
change a person's fingerprints or retina scans. But everything will be
transformed by the drug."
"Who are the biggest users of your products?"
"Male members of college fraternity houses. Geeky guys who transform
themselves into sexy women to have sex with other geeky guys in the house
who can't get laid. This idea actually first came out of a small local
Spells R Us store. But taking a clue from Microsoft's success, we took
someone else's hot new idea and marketed it wide as our own. Did you know
that there is actually a fraternity where all the guys pledging have to
live as Jenny McCarthy for a year? Anyway would you like to see a little
demonstration of our product."
"I'm sure that our viewers would enjoy that."
The professor goes over to the guys still going though the bins.
"Hey, they got Jewel cool. "
"And look Melissa Joan Hart, Sabrina the teenage witch. Man it would
be cool to be her."
"Yeah and Jewel has a great body man. I am so tired of being Alanis
Morrisette and having all these guys asking me to go down on them in a
theater."
"Hi fellows, would you like to become these woman for free?"
"Sure, what's the catch?"
"You just have to change for the camera, it's a demonstration of the
product."
" Sure. Hey you don't have Gwen Stefani from No Doubt ?"
"Not yet, but we do have a deal to market her DNA if the next album
is a success. We don't want to market anyone unless we can get a good
return. We don't want to be left with a lot of unused DNA that we
have to mark down. We can't even give away Pauly Shore DNA now.
However I can tell you that we have just signed Meg Ryan to a long term deal
and her DNA should be on the market in a few weeks. Alright
roll up your sleeves. First we take a DNA sample of the person to be
transformed and put it in this vial. This will allow you to change back by
injecting the contents of the vial. Then we administer the DNA change
medication from this second vial. Let's see you wanted Jewel, we just
licensed her a month ago and we feel she is going to be a big seller. And
you wanted Melissa Joan Hart, you know that you won't have Sabrina's
powers you will just look like her. Okay let's wait and watch."
In a period of about a minute the two geeky guys morph slowly into the
singer Jewel and the actress Melissa Joan Hart. There clothes are now
extremely loose. They start to play with themselves as the camera
pans away. Well after all children are watching.
"So how do you feel?"
"Great. You were meant for me and I oh I sound just like her, And man
these are great breasts."
" Yeah, Joe you make a great Jewel. And I feel really cool. Wait til
the guys at the frat house see us, we are probably the first guys on campus
with these bodies."
"Thanks science woman and the TV dude. Changing sex always makes me
horny. But first let's get some hot female type clothes for these new
bodies."
"Okay." The two guys/girls exit as the manager returns.
"So that was pretty amazing Steve?"
"Yes it was, thank you Professor." The Professor walks off camera.
"Well Ludwig you sold me, you have some great store here."
"We like to think so. And we are also a very progressive store as
well. We were the first magic store of it's kind to offer same-sex love
potions. We also have been very big advocates in supporting gnome rights."
"So what's next for Magic Depot?"
"Well we plan to open our lucky thirteenth store in October in
Baltimore, Maryland. It will be located in the Power Plant building right
between the Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock Caf?. We should be feel right at
home there with these two other bastions of fantasy."
"Well that's about it, but before we go let me try this Jenny McCarthy."
(The reporter injects himself with Jenny McCarthy DNA and quickly morphs
into Jenny McCarthy in a newsman's blazer. She makes faces as she does
during Singled Out as she says. "This is Jenny from Magic Depot get down
here and feel the magic happen hooo."
This ends the transcription. I hope that anyone from Baltimore on the
list could cover the opening there. I am sure Don and Marty would broadcast
from there. If anyone has visited one of these stores elsewhere please let me
know. I just picked up the book "Ancient Curses For The Modern Executive"
there, it is great. And they have great prices too. The old man better watch out.
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Cabinessence has opend this universe for other authors to write in if you
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Mckenna
- 06.09.2021
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