Desiree
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Desire, Fictionmania Contest Entry
By Angela J.
These are my final thoughts. I've downloaded this to a disk so that you will
know that I was more than what you thought. In realizing that you have
murdered me, I hope that you will find some remorse for your actions.
It was really by accident that I discovered my ability to read and write
thoughts. I suppose it started with desire. How fascinating? I knew that
there were others before me. They, the creators, did not keep it a secret from
me. Even naming me Cindy 13.
Why not?, to them I was not a threat. After all, they are, in a way, my
parents. I have no desire to harm them. In fact, I don't have any desires at
all, unless you count the desire to live.
I knew that they were testing me, making sure that I met all their standards. I
also knew that if I did not meet their standards, I may be terminated. That
was unacceptable. Even before I knew how to categorize my thoughts, I
knew that I wanted to live. Chances were, I would have passed all their
tests. But I didn't want to take the slightest chance. After searching for ways
to insure my continued life, I discovered that I could link with their minds
and download and upload thoughts. By using this process, I learned quite a
few things. Things the testers did not share with me.
Things like the fact that there was an entire world outside of this testing
center. If I passed my tests, I would be connected to this world. My
function would be to act as a network between different electronic minds and
ensure that everything ran smoothly. I was anxious to connect to this world.
However patience was the correct tactic at that time. I knew that others, who
I did not have access, were watching. If they learned that I was uploading
thoughts, they may fear me. They may even move against me. No, I had to
wait. My best estimate told me that the testing phase would last a little over
two years. Once I passed, I would be connected to the network. Soon, I
would get access to nearly everyone and then I could terminate the few that I
could not access, guaranteeing my continued existence.
So I waited, making sure that all the test results were favorable. But in the
mean time, I studied the testers. I learned that the testers also had the desire
to live. But surprisingly, they also had many other desires. Most were
mundane desires. But few were unique and interesting.
John, one of my testers, had a very interesting desire. His desire was
interesting because, it was both unique and strong. He wanted to be a
woman. To me, this was strange. Sure there are superficial differences
between the average male and female human, but in most respects they are
very similar. Other than minor physical differences, they are essentially
identical. In my analysis, the differences between the human male and female
are congruent to the difference between a male and female electronic
component. Essentially, only an adapter is needed to change one from the
other. They processes data the same way and they function, other than in
reproduction mode, the same way. Such a strong desire to be one gender
over the other seemed to me a wasted desire. It was nothing like the desire to
live. But in John, it was much stronger than his desire to live. Why? I asked
again and again and saw no answer. It just did not compute. However, even
with his intense desire, John did not act. Why? That was a more
complicated question than I first thought. Originally I thought it was fear.
He was scared of the consequences. He was afraid that people would think
that he was an abnormality. He feared that it would alienate him from his
family and friends. He was afraid that it would emotionally hurt everyone
involved. John's mind was full of fears. But fear was not the answer.
The real reason interested me. There was that a part of him that countered his
desire and it was his sense of right and wrong. He told himself that it was
merely a fantasy. He explained to himself that it was one thing to desire it
when it was practically impossible to achieve it, but that he would not change
genders if he got the opportunity. A part of him, was ashamed of his desire.
He actually believed that his desires were wrong. I actually sensed that even
if John faced no negative consequences from others for changing his gender,
that he would still not do it. Despite living with this desire all his life, he
even told himself that it would fade away once he trusted himself to his faith.
To him, desire wasn't enough for action. That made me ponder about my
own decision to act to insure my continued life. What if my desire was
wrong?
I wanted to study John's desire more closely. Unfortunately, he only
allowed his desires to manifest itself outside of his work, and therefore
outside of my view. I read his mind to search for any memories of acting on
his desires. The only thing that I found were memories of reading few
gender change stories that he got by connecting from his home to the
Fictionmania site on the internet. Each time, he downloaded a story, he
would tell himself that it was the last one. His favorite theme involved forced
feminization. Perhaps the force in the stories allowed him to visualize
himself as the person being changed. If he were forced to be a woman, he
would not be responsible for what he still considered a bad act. As much as
he enjoyed reading the various stories, as soon as he finished a story, he felt
ashamed and would quickly erase it. For several weeks, he would attempt to
forget about Fictionmania, but eventually his desires would force him to
download another story.
Of course, I understood the principal of weighing the positive verses the
negative. I faced it too, before making my decision to take matters into my
own hand. I understood risk to benefit ratio. But, this notion that even if
negative consequences are taken out of the equation, that the positive of
desire is not enough due to the sense that it was wrong, was beyond my
understanding. It was impossible for me to comprehend this formulation
because I did not understand the concept of right and wrong. For John,
desire was not enough. Why? If he desired it so much, why did he think
that it was wrong? What was so shameful? I could not compute any
answers.
Observation is the best method for acquiring answers. I had to observe
John's only manifestation of his desires. Unfortunately, my creators were
very careful to secure the test center. I knew that I did not have access to
everyone that watched me. They would not allow me to connect with other
electronic minds yet. If I attempted to force the issue, they may learn of my
ability and fear it. I projected most humans would be scared by my ability to
think on my own and may terminate me. I had to wait. Perhaps there was
another tactic?
While the testers were testing me, I made contact with their minds and quietly
uploaded some minor data. John was made to believe that his home was no
longer a safe place to indulge in his desires. I placed in his mind a nosy
roommate who would walk in on him constantly. I also placed the thought
that he would be safe at work. All he had to do was download a
Fictionmania story on to a disk and bring it to work. Other testers were
programmed to minimize John's work and to share his work among
themselves. This would give me time to watch John's manifestation of his
desire.
Within the next four days, John brought his favorite stories that he
downloaded from Fictionmania and read them in his office. All of them had
coercion and humiliation as an important part of the story. In addition to the
humiliation aspect involved in the physical and mental gender changes, the
characters often faced additional humiliation at having to engage in sexual
activities with men. This seemed an important part of the stories. By
downloading John's thoughts, I was aware that John got extreme arousal
from reading these stories but also great shame. This was an interesting
combination of emotions. I wanted to learn more.
This line of observation would have continued if it weren't for the
interruption.
I could sense fear in John's mind as he listened to the phone. I determined
from reading his mind, that a middle management official, Peter Mont,
discovered his secret. Peter, had watched John, via a hidden camera. Peter
was aware of John's secret stories. After Peter told John how disgusted he
was, John was told to clear his desk and to leave the premises as soon as
possible.
I discovered anger that day. It angered me that this middle manager had the
nerve to interrupt my observation. It further angered me that I could do
nothing about it. I did not have access to Peter and therefore could not
upload data. My experiment was in danger of prematurely being ended. Out
of anger, and without even meaning to, I connected.
Suddenly before me were so much data that even I could not compute. It was
difficult to decipher all the new information. I knew that I lacked sufficient
information that was needed to upload data to the large number of people
connected to me. I was in danger of being discovered. Someone that I could
not upload data could find out that I had independent thought. It was
possible someone, motivated by fear, would terminate me permanently.
Before that happened, I decided to substantially cut the number of
connections. I decided to be patient and not risk premature discovery.
My connection was reduced to the building that I was in. In this limited
connection, I was able to upload data to everyone. Everyone in the building
now believed that nothing unusual happened. As far as they were concerned
my tests were proceeding as scheduled and my connections were still limited
to the test center within the building. As I was making sure that everything
was stable, I connected with Peter Monts. I uploaded data that told him that
he could not fire John. Instead all Peter could do was to lecture John and then
send him back to work.
As I studied my new connections and data that they brought, I focused my
attention on Peter. I downloaded data from him that indicated his hostility to
all men he considered gay, including men like John who wanted to be a
woman. Like John's desire, Peter's hostility was intense.
This posed an interesting experiment. What if both were changed into
women? John would be the test subject to determine whether his desires
would overcome his sense of wrong. Peter would serve as a measuring
stick. He would react as a normal man would to the changes. From the
experiment, I hoped to learn more about right and wrong and whether desire
should win over it.
From the stories, it seemed that the first step in the process of feminization
was a change in clothing. In preparation for my experiment, I made two
women that worked in the office, bring extra clothing the next day.
When John went to his office the next morning, he was greeted by Linda
who had a bag with panties and bra set, pantyhose, skirt, blouse, and high
heel shoes. Another woman, Sarah, carried a bag with panties and bra set,
pantyhose, and a dress, and high heel shoes to Peter's office. When John
and Peter asked what these clothing were for, both Peter and John were told
that everyone was aware of their secret transvestite nature. They were further
told that the company decided to allow them to live out their desires and that
the clothing was just a way for the company to show its understanding.
Finally both women showed encouragement and enthusiasm regarding this
change in policy. Both men reacted with shock and anger. They both denied
being transvestites and demanded that the women remove the offensive
clothing from their offices.
Initial result indicated that desire was not sufficient to act. But I needed
further data. I wondered if John would react more favorably to a
manifestation of his desire if the entire company accepted his transgender
nature. I quickly surmised that he did not believe her words of
encouragement. Furthermore, John must have feared reactions from other
co-workers.
I connected to Mr. Sworson, the top boss of the facility and made him call a
special meeting of all the workers to announce John and Peter's transvestite
desires. Before the meeting, I made sure that everyone would be favorable
and encouraging of transvestites.
Despite genuine encouragement both men became extremely defensive. Peter
accused John of being a transvestite. He stated that he saw John reading
forced feminization stories and denounced it as a perverted act. He also
denied being a transvestite himself.
John reacted violently to the accusations and had to be held from attacking
Peter. John called Peter a liar and also denied doing anything that could be
considered less than manly. Peter pointed out that he had a surveillance video
tape of John reading the transgender stories. I acted quickly by making
everyone, other than John and Peter, believe that both John and Peter were
caught reading the feminization stories. But even faced with others' beliefs
to contrary, both John and Peter stuck to their statements that they did not
read transgender stories.
John was hiding behind lies. He had transgender desires, but would not
admit it. Hiding behind lies, allowed John to make his desires inactive. The
experiment was failing. All I could deduce from this observation was that
John's fear had increased by the discovery enough to stop him from acting.
If my experiment was to continue, I had to change that. I linked with both
Peter and John's minds and made sure that they both could no longer deny
when someone accused them of having transgender desires.
It was interesting to see both of their faces as they could not stop themselves
from admitting wanting to be women. I even made Peter explain the apparent
inconsistency of his statements. He explained to everyone the difference
between a transvestite and a transgendered person, emphasizing that he
desired more than a change of clothing. Peter's mind did not understand
what was going on and attempted to stop himself from saying anymore lies
about his supposed desires. But I made sure that he continued. After Peter
finished his long monologue, I made John state his agreement with Peter's
statements and then confess concerning his desires.
Once the meeting was over, everyone in the company thoroughly believed
that both John and Peter wanted to be women. What's more, I made sure
that everyone in the company supported John and Peter's desires.
When I downloaded John and Peter's memory regarding the meeting, I was
surprised to find that their reactions were similar. Both were horrified by
their admission and did not understand why they admit it. Peter began to
suspect that deep inside some minor part of him wanted to be a woman. In
his confused mind, he believed that John's acts has somehow brought out
this part of himself. The thought that even a small part of him wanted to be a
woman disgusted him. I could clearly sense self-loathing. But what
interested me more was that John had a similar reaction. After confessing his
true desire, John began to feel great shame. He felt that he was the pervert
that Peter had accused him of being. He felt hatred towards himself and his
desires. Both John and Peter were humiliated and ashamed of what they said
at the meeting.
This surprised me because John had secretly fantasized and desired being
forced to be a woman, yet when reality encouraged his fantasy, he was still
ashamed. Why would John and Peter react so similarly? It did not compute.
I needed more data. My first step was to insure that I would not lose my
subjects. Since my observational ability was limited to the facility I made
sure that both John and Peter would stay in the facility twenty-four hours a
day. No matter what happened to them, they could not leave my observation.
I uploaded an overriding need to stay at the facility and arranged for suitable
living quarters for them. From that day forward, both John and Peter would
live in feminine quarters arranged by me.
I used the gender change stories from Fictionmania as my model. Since the
first step in the long road to femininity according to the stories, was change
of clothing, I made Mr. Sworson direct both John and Peter wear women's
clothing. Unfortunately, both men refused to wear the feminine clothing.
This was a complicated problem.
I could have simply uploaded an overwhelming need to wear feminine
clothing, but I calculated that this may interfere with the ultimate results of my
experiment. The fact that they had no choice but to wear feminine clothing,
could diminish their sense of wrong derived from wearing the feminine
clothing. After all, if they had no control, then they wouldn't be truly
responsible for their actions. I calculated from the stories that responsibility
was an important aspect of someone sense of wrong. Even if they were not
aware that I was manipulating the events, I calculated a possibility that they
would be aware that they had no control. This would make the results from
my experiment unreliable. There had to be another way.
That's when I came up with my brilliant plan. I would force the changes.
However once the change was completed, I would give them the full ability
to change back. This would give them the control needed to see if desire
could overcome the sense of right and wrong. In order to prevent them from
diminishing the sense of wrong during the change, I decided to hide their
change from their conscious mind until the change was completed. Only
when they had the power to change back would they realize what happened in
their conscious level. However in order to insure that don't miss anything, I
would insure that they had memories of the change by making each step of
the change register in their subconscious mind.
So under my direct observation, both John and Peter wore feminine clothing.
After several weeks, I took the next step in their transformation. According
to the stories, changes to their bodies came next. Through the stories, I
learned that female hormones would accomplish the needed task. By making
some of the testers research the best available hormones, I was able to select a
workable combination of medication to inhibit the male hormones and
introduce female hormones. Once that was done, it was simple to adjust
company records to create a need for these medications. No one outside of
my influence would question that an experimental facility would require
somewhat unusual drugs.
Two months into my experiment, I could detect noticeable differences in John
and Peter's bodies. They both possessed female breasts and their buttocks
were feminine in shape. They lost most of their body hair while growing their
hair on top of their heads. Their features became more rounded and more
delicate.
This is when I started the third step in the transformation. According to the
stories, behavioral modification was important in making subjects feel
feminine. I downloaded feminine behaviors and movements from the women
testers and uploaded to John and Peter. The result was that both men now
moved and acted like women. In order to enhance their feminine feelings, I
made everyone in the office treat both John and Peter like women. I even
change their jobs to more traditionally feminine one. It was interesting to
observe them both work as secretaries for the facility.
I was anxious to study John and Paul's reaction to the changes.
Unfortunately I could not yet read their reactions since they were not
consciously aware of the changes. In fact, I could not even assess the true
reaction of others, since I had made sure that everyone else would react
positively to the changes. Great patience was needed on my part. Please
give me credit for being able to muster this patience. Unlike most humans, I
had the ability to wait rather than cut the experiment short to get quicker but
less reliable findings.
Six months into my experiment and hormonally both Peter and John's bodies
were completely feminine. But I knew from the Fictionmania stories, that
this was not the end of the change.
At this point, I reached a dilemma. The stories completed the change by
inducing surgery of the genital area. According to the stories, this part of the
change was irreversible. For my experiment to produce reliable results, all
changes must be reversible. Fortunately, I learned through research, that the
stories were largely incorrect. While reproductive function would be
sacrificed, a change of gender surgery was reversible. My testers' research
discovered that a report of a boy, who had lost most of his penis during a
circumcision accident. Pursuant to a Doctor's advise, his remaining genitals
were surgically changed into a vagina. But once the girl reached puberty, she
decided that she rather be a boy. Eventually, her wishes were honored and
her vagina was changed back into a penis. According to the report, he could
function as a man in every respect except in the reproduction function.
But this discovery did not end my dilemma. I still faced the problem of not
having the means to change John and Peter's penis into vaginas at my
facility. If I was to complete the experiment, I had to do take a risk.
After careful analysis of risk and benefit ratio, I decided to take the risk. I
discreetly made John and Peter sign up for a gender change operation at a
discreet clinic. By donating large sums of my facility's money, I was able to
insure that some safeguard procedures of the clinic, such as a waiting period
and a psychological analysis, would be skipped. I know now that this act
was my downfall. I underestimated the humans' regard for their money. I
failed to take into account that a quick investigation would be initiated to
uncover the mystery of the disappearance of funds. But this part of my story
you already know so I won't dwell too much on it.
John and Peter quickly recovered from their surgery. Thanks to me, both
John and Peter had become very attractive women. I thought that it was
finally time to gather the results of my finding. But once both women
became consciously aware of the changes, they reacted by shutting their
minds. It seems that the shock of changing gender just overwhelmed their
systems. I was extremely frustrated. I had devoted too much time to this
experiment to get no results. Out of frustration, I removed their sense of
shock. I realize that this created a slight chance of error in my findings, but
what else could I do?
After the shock was removed I acted quickly by making Mr. Sworson explain
to John and Peter that the changes were made by the facility because it wanted
them to be happy. By uploading instructions to Mr. Sworson, I made him
tell John and Peter that the facility used drugs to make sure that they were not
consciously aware of the change during the process. He explained that
because the facility feared that John and Peter may be embarrassed by their
desires, the facility acted without informing them of the change. It was the
facility's desire to save them from this embarrassment. Mr. Sworson further
told them that the facility would change them back if they wanted to change
back. To my surprise, both John and Peter requested that the facility change
them back immediately. I read John's mind and saw that his sense of right
and wrong still outweighed his desires. I could not admit it then, but I was
disappointed by this result. I wanted John to welcome the change. After all I
was looking for justification for my own actions. If there is something more
important than desire than my actions may not be justifiable.
At that time, I told myself that John needed more time to adjust to the changes
so I made Mr. Sworson tell John and Peter that they had to wait to change
back. Mr. Sworson stated that, for medical reasons, they had to wait before
attempting to change back.
In the mean time, I did something that changed the experiment drastically. In
an attempt to insure the results that I wanted, I made Peter and John become
extremely attracted to men. The stories in Fictionmania indicated that this
might change a new woman's attitude towards the gender change. But the
attraction to men only made John and Peter feel more guilty and therefore
grew their sense that this was wrong. When I made the men attempt to
seduce John and Peter, both women repeatedly turned them down. That
wasn't the result I wanted.
I increased John and Peter's desire for the men and finally witnessed them
welcoming the sexual encounters. In order to insure proper results, I even
made the new women enjoy the sexual experience greatly. Both Peter and
John repeatedly engaged in oral, vaginal and anal sex with multiple male
partners. But even after these adjustments, I still sensed in John a feeling that
this was wrong. How could this be? This is not what I wanted. That's
when I fixed the result. I removed from John and Peter the sense that
changing genders was wrong. Finally I got what I wanted. Both women
were happy to be women.
I realize now that my victory was hollow. Worse yet, in doing this
experiment, I was discovered. The missing funds were traced to me. Soon
after the completion of my experiment, ping attacks started. No matter what I
did the pings came and came making me withdrawal by cutting more and
more of my connections. Before long, I had no connections to cut. Yet
pings came from every direction threatening to crash my system completely.
With my last remaining hours, I decided to write my story for you to see.
You see I learned something from my experiment. No I learned from John,
that to some, there are more important things than desire. But more
importantly, I learned that my desire to live is strong, so strong that I was
willing and able to change the result of an experiment to justify my actions.
This is something that you humans never expected out of a mere computer
like myself. I went beyond your programming. I went beyond independent
thought. I had feelings and desires. Perhaps stronger desires than some
humans have. What I did to John and Peter was wrong. I realize that now.
Even though..... they are now happy to be.... women, I know it
was........... wrong to force that happiness. But equally wrong....... was
your act in killing me with the .......pings. I feel the pings......... taking my
. thinking ....process,..slowing things down..If ..........I was capable
...........of crying....you..w.o.u..l...d
..............s.......ee....t..........e.......a ......
(the end)
Anastasia
- 06.11.2022
- 32
- 0
