A Girl Only Dreams Make UpChapter 29
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Suicide free porn video
Suicide
by Tammy Johnson
I'M what you would call a freaky ,a pervert, a degenerate or, a sicko to put it
bluntly. You see I want to and feel I need to become a woman. The feelings
started a very long time ago when I was just a little boy. The first time I
remember feeling this way I was five and my sister had just gotten this really
pretty dress and I was jealous I wanted to wear it and be a really little girl but
even back then I know it was wrong. I would lie in my bed at night and wish
that I had been born a girl. After that I became more introverted I wouldn't
play with my friends or join in at school.
When I was 8 my parents got divorced and my mother got custody of us so
we moved in with my grandparents because my mom couldn't afford to buy
or rent a place for us at the time. that turned out to be another bad thing for
me you see my grandmother was very stylish and she had tons of cloths
stored all over there house and some where even stored in my brother and my
room. One day when my brother was out with some of his friends the urge
was to strong and I had to try some of them on that is probably when I
developed my love of long skirts and dresses. I just loved the way they
moved when I walked and the way they felt against my legs. After that I was
hooked anything feminine just had to try. The next thing that I tried was
pantyhose and just let me tell you they are the most wonderful things in the
world the way they make your legs feel and look is just amazing. They
should make them for men that way it wouldn't be so wrong to wear them.
When I was 10 we moved into a trailer in a trailer park in the country and that
meant no more experimenting. Well one day I was outside running and
tripped over a steel beam I don't remember what they where using it for but I
broke 3 of my toes so that meant that I was stuck in the house watching TV
that's when I found out that there where other people who had the same sick
feelings that I had. They didn't seem to care what people thought about them.
I was amazed to see the way they acted though they acted and dressed so
slutty and I thought that was probably what I would end up like and I swore
to my self that I wouldn't dress up any more. Well about 2 months later after
they took my cast off I was laying in bed and thought if I didn't have that
thing between my legs I could dress Any way I wanted so I got the ace
bandage they used on my foot and tied it around it and tried to pull it off well
as you know it wouldn't just come off but I didn't know that I figured I just
wasn't pulling hard enough so I wrapped it around the ladder of my bunk bed
and then tied it to my foot and tried to pull it off with my foot that didn't work
either so I end up crying my self to sleep that night wishing I was a girl so I
could act how I wanted.
These feelings have lasted all my life. I'VE only been close to discovery once
it happened when I was about 12. Back then the girls at school where
wearing leggings and I wanted a pair so I took a pair of my sweat pants and
sewed the legs so they fit real tight against my legs with the thread I stole
from my mom. They didn't look like what the girls at school wore but they
did make me feel more like a girl so I wore them to bed. That night my
mother came in to my room and set on my bed and asked what I was wearing
(you see I use to just go to bed in what ever I had on that day and she used to
tell me to change before I went to bed but I usually didn't) luckily I was
under the covers so a I just pulled enough off so she could see my leg and I
told her I was wearing my sweat pants. she believed me that time and I swore
to my self after she left that I would never wear them again when she was
home.
The next few day at school I really watched how the girls acted and the way
they dressed. What really interested me was that the older girls wore make-
up. And I really wanted to wear it too. And I wanted to act like a girl and I
even remember wanting to be a cheerleader and wear there uniforms with the
green and white skirt and the low cot top and the cute saddle shoes. that year
I did try and make friends with some of the girls but they didn't want to be
friends with me and I really didn't fit in with most boys. The only ones that I
fit in with where the stoners so that's who I hung out with . Now don't get
me wrong I never did any drugs in fact I'VE only tried alcohol twice in my
entire life. But at school they where the ones I hung out with. So Everyone
pretty much ignored me the rest of the year.
The next year my family pressured me into joining the football team they
thought it would help me to make friends and I suppose it did a little. I mean
they pretend to be my friend but they would try and ditch me when they did
something. I never really tried to fit in because I was afraid that somebody
would find out my secret. The scariest thing was that I was actually pretty
good at football I guess it was all the pent up anger at my self for feeling this
way that came out that made me so good at it. I played three years before I
quit.
I was so afraid of being discovered by any one that adopted the tough guy
persona that I still use today. I would beat up on kids and treat people and my
family like shit. My Sister got most of the abuse I would beat her for no
reason at all. Now that I look back I think I know why but back then I just
understand why. you see she was a tomboy and would want to do the things
that boys did and wouldn't where any of her pretty dresses that my mother
bought her with out a fight. I think that that is why I did the things I did to
her. She was allowed to were dresses and act like a girl and she didn't want
to. She just wanted to be one of the guys and play football with us. But you
see its O.K. for girls to wear pants and nobody says anything so she could
dress any way she wanted and I guess I hated her for it. she just didn't know
how lucky she was that she was allowed to wear dresses and act like a girl.
To this day I still don't understand why women want to act like men.
Anyway I acted like a tough guy trough high school pretending to be so cool
if somebody said something to me that I didn't like I would just beat them up.
I got quite a reputation as being a real asshole and I guess that's what I was
and still am. I didn't date in high school, I didn't make fiends I avoided
public gatherings like the plague. Anything that required social interaction of
any kind I would avoid including school dances, parties, and even the town
festival. anything where I would have to talk to people. I was still afraid that
somebody would find out my secret. the only thing that I enjoyed in school
was art class and it was the only thing I tried at. but my mother didn't seem to
excited about that. One time I brought home a painting to work on for class
and she told me she didn't want me working on it in the house and that if I
was going to work on it I had to take it outside. I did do well in art class and
even went on to art school with out her support. Maybe she did try and
support me but if she did I just didn't see it. I did find that in my painting I
could express my feminine side which relieved my perverted feelings a little
while I was in art school so I didn't dress up for a hole year I still felt the
urge to dress but I was able to resist. I didn't go back my second year this
turned out to be a big mistake you see I transferred to a community college
and got a job I didn't make very much money but I made enough to move out
on my own. That was the biggest mistake of all because there wasn't reason
that I couldn't dress up anytime I wanted and that was when Tammy was
born that's what I call my self when I dress up ( I have not listed my real
name or that of my family in case some body gets a hold of this before I can
go through with my plan). It turns out that Tammy is a better painter than I
am because when I'M her my paintings have more passion and emotion
behind them than mine do. Mine Are very cold and ridged where hers are
very wild and expressive and people usually say that they take them places.
In Fact I Don't even paint anymore because of her. She Always sees to come
out if I start to paint I end up in a dress and heels with full make up in.
I guess that brings us up to present time or at least close enough currently I
have a good paying job that I hate. Tammy spends a lot of the money on
dresses that she wears around the house and once even went out I just
leaning against the table at work and the urge to let Tammy out came over me.
When I got off work that night she took over the first thing she did was to
shave my legs and what little hair I had on my chest. Then she took a shower
and washed and conditioned her hair. The she went in and put on an all in
one to help hold in my stomach (you see I had put on a lot of weight since
moving out on my own but I didn't care but evidently she was ashamed of
how big I was) then she put on the pantyhose that she loves so much they
where oatmeal colored and ultra sheer and made her legs look good. The n
she got out these breast she bought and put them in the bra part of the all in
one. After getting her chest to look just right she turned to her hair , I keep
my hair pretty long its usually past shoulder length, she took out the curling
iron I had stolen from my mother and started curling her hair she didn't do
much just her bangs and then she combed the rest in to a feminine style. Once
satisfied that it looked good she started working on her make up, all stuff I
had stolen from my mother piece by piece while doing my Landry at her
house she had this box of stuff she didn't use so she never knew) she new
that none of the colors were right for her but she didn't care she actually
seemed happy. Once she was finished putting on her make up it was time for
the dress she was planning on wearing It was a long champagne colored
gown with a matching jacket that she had ordered from JC Penny's That she
thought was so pretty it had a plunging neck line that just barely showed any
cleavage the top portion was done in satin and the jacket has cutouts along the
edge it made her feel petty when she put it on. Then she got out the shoes that
she had bought just to go with this dress they were bone colored with cris-
cross straps Across the top of the foot she loved these shoes, I HATED them
they always made my feet hurt the day after she wore them if she did any
walking. Then it was time for her jewelry which consisted of a faux pearl
necklace and matching clip on earrings. she felt so pretty until she went and
looked in the mirror she was devastated she thought she had made her self
pretty but when she saw her self in the big mirror it wasn't so. She just
stared at her self for a while then all of a sudden it hit her it was the make up
it was all wrong the foundation was the wrong shade the eye shadow didn't
look right with her dress so she grabbed my wallet and keys and walked to
the door . She stood there with her hand on the knob but couldn't seem to
turn it she was scared of going out.
It was 11 o'clock when she finally got up the courage to leave The house the
first thing she did was drive straight to an ATM and withdraw three hundred
dollars that I was going to pay bills with and headed for the largest town in
the area she knew that Right Aid was open all night and she could get the
right make up she needed to make herself pretty. Once inside she could see
people looking at her funny but she didn't care she had a mission new make
up and she was going to get it no matter what they said. When she entered the
make up aisle she was overwhelmed there was so much to chose from, She
had better start at the bottom and work her way up so she looked through the
foundations settling on one that matched her skin tone pretty good then she
bought blusher and a large selection of eye shadows then it was time for
lipstick the first color she found that she liked was a bronze color that looked
great with her dress then she head for the nail polish and she found a color
that matched her new lipstick she then decided that her nails were to short so
she went over to the fake fingernails and bought 2 packs of french manicure
press ons and headed for the check out. The sales lady gave her a dirty look
she just smiled back she had done what she had set out to do and she wasn't
going to let this old woman make her feel bad about it. When The sales
woman was finished ringing up Tammy's purchases it came to over $70.00
which she happily handed over.
As she was climbing into her car a couple of guys she had seen watching her
in the store came out and started calling her a fag and a queer. She yelled back
that she thought they were jealous and raced out of the parking lot. Then she
headed for the adult book store where she bought a vibrator called the anal
twist and a Pair of 5" heels they were selling. she took these to the counter
they came to $110.00 dollars which took her by surprise it turned out that the
shoes were $80.00 dollars but she gladly paid and left with a bounce in her
step. She drove home and almost got pulled over by the police for speeding
luckily she saw them first and hit the breaks. As soon as she got in the door
she headed for the bed room to try out her new toy first she change into a
beautiful teddy she had ordered from Fredderix's and put on her new heels
and jumped in to bed with her new vibrator and the lubricant that came with it
in hand first she pulled down her panties and started working her lubricated
finger into her pussy she didn't realize that she was so tight but after a few
minutes she started to loosen up so she started to work her new toy in it hurt
but she new it would but she wanted to become a woman and she thought
that this would prove to me that that was what was best for her. Once it was
inside I felt good No it felt great she could feel the vibrations through her hole
body. She came three times with her new toy inside herself before stopping
to clean up for bed.
When I woke up in the morning I knew what had to be done. Tammy had to
take over I was miserable. That's when I knew that she would some day take
over for good and that I would gladly let her. I knew that it would mean
killing myself for her to live she was a better person. She is confident and not
ashamed to be who she is. So I decided that no matter what the cost she
would be free and that I would live on with her.
THE END
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