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The Burns And Allen Show: The Power Of Show Business free porn video
The Burns and Allen Show ran from 10-12-50 thru -09-22-58.
[With apologies: I write this from my memory of some late-night
TV shows I saw a few times on PBS, and _"Total Television" _(By
Alex McNeil).]
The Burns and Allen Show: The Power of Show Business
By Ron Dow75
The Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Carnation Condensed Milk
presents, "The Burns and Allen Show"!"
[A thin man in a brown suit with a lit cigar comes onto stage
from the side, the curtain still drawn. When the applause has
started to die, he speaks.] "Hello, everybody.
"As you may know, I usually start the show out with a
little monolog. We in the trade like to call it a setup. For
those of you who have never seen this show. (I am sure there are
a few out there.)" [He glances up at the audience.] "I will tell
you what this show is about.
"I play George Burns, a performer. I sing a few songs, tell
a few jokes, sing a few songs, play master of ceremonies at
dinner functions and bar mitzvahs, and sing a few songs.
"Some people say I should sing as few songs as possible."
[He plays with the cigar while the audience laughs.]
"I don't listen to them." [He looks up at them with a
twinkle in his squinting eyes.]
"But mostly, I'm known as being the husband of Gracey
Allen." [There is applause at the mention of her name.]
"'Allen', that was Gracey's maiden name. We were in
Vaudeville together. I had had several partners, but nothing
clicked (That's another show business term) until I met Gracey.
Our act was so successful, we decided to get married.
"I got top billing. That was part of our deal. You see me
do the dishes, and some of the other household chores. That was
her part of our deal.
"Anyway, in our show, Gracey is not in show business. She
is happy to be a housewife, and a mother.
"Ronnie Burns is played by our son, Ronnie. You see, we
really did become married.
"That is what our show is about, our life. We live in an
average TV neighborhood, with average TV neighbors. My next door
neighbor is also my accountant, and my announcer, Harry Von
Zeller, drops by to talk about Carnation Condensed Milk. Just
your typical American family." [George smiles at the audience in
a way that asks them to go along with the bit.]
"Oh! There are a few things that make this show different
from others. One is that I can control time.
"Nothing spectacular, mind you. Besides by-passing the
parts of a life that would make the show longer than half an hour
(which, I will admit, most people in TV comedy can do), I can
freeze time." [The audience chuckles.]
"You don't believe me?" [George turns to the huge curtains,
but manages not to turn his back on the audience.] "Open the
curtain, Sidney!"
[The huge red curtain with waist high gold ornamentation is
parted. The sets are of the bedroom, front porch and the porch
next door, living room, and the kitchen of the Burns house; and
the kitchen, living room, and the bedroom of the Mortons. In the
Burn's living room, a tall, thin man with a receding hairline and
a moustache, who is also 61, in the suit of an accountant minus
the coat is bent over on a pair of ski; the blonde, about 5-6
years younger, in a bright-colored housedress is holding a mixing
bowl over his head; a few feet away, the other, golden haired
woman (55) in a darker colored housedress has her hands raised
for the bowl, a mixing spoon in one hand.]
"See?" [George walks onto the living room set.]
"The man developing a backache is Harry Morgan, my account.
Harry was originally played by John Brown before he was
blackballed. They thought he might be a communist. He was
replaced by Fred Clark. Fred is a well-known character actor. You
can look him up in any good movie or TV reference book. But I
fired him when he asked for a raise. My third, and last Harry
Morton was played by Larry Keating." [George looks at the man.]
"That's who this must be. He, too can be found in any good movie
or TV reference book. He and Fred were always replacing each
other."
[He walks over to the blonde.] "This is Harry's wife,
Blanche Morgan. She was always played by Bea Benaderet. Now,
since I have some small time power, I am going to tell you
something about her that hasn't happened yet. She is going to be
better known as Aunt Pearl Bodine in "The Beverly Hillbillies",
and Kate Bradley in "Petticoat Junction". But she will best be
known as the voice of Betty Rubble in "The Flintstones".
"By the way, after Gracey retires, Blanche Morton and the
rest of our cast tries to carry on in "The George Burns Show".
"It doesn't even last a year.
"Can you believe I will not get my next big break until I'm
nearly eighty years old? But that's okay; I remain in show
business. I'm responsible for "Mr. Ed"."
"And here is the real star of our show, Gracey! It is
because of her I became a straight man. Say hello, Gracey."
"Hello!" the golden haired woman smiled, moving at last.
"...George, why aren't Blanche and Harry moving?"
"You want them to fight?"
"They weren't fighting. Harry wants to ski, because a big
client of his skis."
"A big client, huh? Bigger than me?"
"Oh, much bigger! Blanche doesn't want Harry to ski,
because she's afraid he'll break something before he goes for his
insurance physical."
"So why is she about to pour what's in that mixing bowl
over his head?"
"I was making a cake..."
"With Carnation Condensed Milk?"
"Of course! Silly, I wouldn't make a cake without Carnation
Condensed Milk."
[George turns to the audience, and smiles impishly.] "I
always try and get in as many mentions of the sponsor as I can.
That's why I've been on the air for so long."
"Are you talking to someone, George?"
"I was talking to you, Gracey. Now why is Blanche about to
pour cake batter on Harry?"
"Well, I was telling her that Carnation Condensed Milk
makes anything better!"
"So, Blanche is trying to help Harry be a better skier."
"Either that, or better his math skills."
"'Better his math skills?' But Harry's an accountant."
"Yeah, but Blanche said he was a no account accountant she
couldn't count on."
"But they're not fighting."
"How can they be fighting!" Gracey smiled at the silly
thing to say. "She's trying to help make him better, isn't he?"
"With Carnation Condensed Milk."
"Right!"
[George walks over to Harry.] "Harry. Harry! You can move
now!"
"Ow-chh!" [Harry straightens up, with difficulty.]
"That's the price an actor must pay."
"What are you talking about, George?" [Harry tries to push
the kinks out by pushing his hands against his back.]
"I was talking about your backache. You were stooped over
there for quite a while. It's not good for a man of your age."
"Skiing isn't good for a man of my age, but Mr. Youngblood
insists on wasting his time in the mountains." [While he is
talking, he begins following George's hands. He turns around just
in time to see George take the bowl from Blanche's hands.]
"I'm sorry, Blanche, but the bit's over with. We have no
time slotted for the cleanup crew to come in and take care of the
mess."
"What does Gracey put in that cake batter? My arms are
killing me!"
"You can't blame the Carnation Condensed Milk!" [Gracey
comes over to her.] "My cooking always comes out light and creamy
with Carnation Condensed Milk."
"You probably need exercise. Why don't you go skiing with
Harry!" [George hands Gracey the mixing bowl. She puts the mixing
spoon in it, and places it on an end table.]
"Thanks, George! That would be just what I need to make my
weekend complete!" [Harry heads for the door, his back obviously
still hurting him.]
"If you think you're gallivanting off to the mountains, and
leaving me home, again..." [Blanche follows Harry.]
"I'd use Carnation Condensed Milk on his back. It'll make
it better!" [Gracey calls out after them.]
"Advertising, like Comedy, is a cruel business." [George
smiles at the audience.]
"Gracey, I was telling the audience what made our show
different from others."
"What audience?"
[George takes Gracey's arm, and guides her off the set, and
onto the stage apron.]
"Oh! This audience!" [Gracey smiles at the audience.]
"Gracey, tell me about your brother."
"George, don't we do this routine at the end of a show?"
"Normally, we do. But I'm changing a few things for this
show."
"Changing things? Are you sure you're George? You never
like to change things. Everything we do is basically a vaudeville
act. Even your old songs."
"No, that's Abbot and Costello's bit. Our vaudeville act is
sandwiched around a situation comedy."
"Abbot and Costello sing stale vaudeville songs?"
"That's more like the Gracey I want to show the audience.
Now, tell me about your brother."
"My brother? I'm glad you asked about him. George, he lost
another job!"
"He's always losing jobs."
"But not like this job."
"What makes this job different from all the others he's
had?"
"He was a female impersonate."
"Your brother was a..."
"Yes, and it's not easy to be a female impersonator when
you're six foot two."
"Six-two? I thought your brother was much shorter?"
"He was, but he grew."
"How could your brother grow?"
"Oh, George! You know how our son Ronnie grew!"
"Your brother was already grown."
"That's what everybody thought. But my brother was
determined to be a model."
"A model? What does being a model have to do with his
growing?"
"You know about models, George. You see them in all the
magazines."
"I know what models are. But what do they have to do with
your brother?"
"You know how tall models are?"
"For women, models are taller than average, on the
average."
"Did you also know that the best female impersonators are
tall?"
"Like a model?"
"Right. They don't look anything like normal women."
"No. There is a type of female impersonator that look
beautiful."
"Don't you think that's unfair, George? I mean, why should
female impersonators look better than female personators?"
"Life can be unfair."
"And they only wear girdles because they want to."
"Girdles and other things I won't mention."
"Right. They say men age better than women."
"So that means female impersonators can look better than
female "personators", longer."
"Is it any wonder my brother wanted to be a female
impersonator?"
"So he would look better."
"Right. My brother really wanted that job. He was
practicing for years you, know."
"Your brother would wear female clothes."
"No, silly! My brother would never wear women's clothes!"
"Gracey, how could your brother be a female impersonator,
if he didn't wear women's clothes?"
"You know my brother was always self-conscious about his
looks."
"He was a funny looking fellow, I remember."
"But he wasn't a funny looking woman."
"That's why he wanted to be a female."
"That's why he lost his job."
"You just said he wasn't a funny looking woman."
"Weren't you listening? I said he wasn't funny looking as a
woman. Female impersonators have to be funny looking."
"Gracey, you're talking about another type of female
impersonator, now."
"I am? How many types are there, George?"
"There are three that I'm positive about."
"Don't you have to be funny looking to be one of them? I
mean, if you can't be beautiful..."
"Yes, men in dresses is a classic comedy bit. Milton Burl
does it all the time."
"'Mr. Television'! I like him. They say that he was
responsible for selling more television than anything else, even
Gorgeous George."
"There may be no "I Love Lucy" without him."
"Who?"
"Her show begins a year before ours ends. She's a female
female impersonator who also does male impersonations. She'll be
the first person allowed to be pregnant on TV."
"Wow! That is some impersonation!"
"Let's get back to your brother."
"My funny looking one?"
"That's right, you have more than one brother, don't you?"
"I have six brothers."
"But we never mention their names. They're just "my
brother"."
"No, silly. They're "my brother"! How could my brother be
your brother?"
"You're right, I'm being silly. How can your brother be my
brother? Unless there is something you're not telling me."
"George, I tell you everything."
"That's the problem. Gracey. Will you tell me your
brother's name?"
"The funny looking one?"
"...The one that wants to be a female impersonator."
"His name is Graci."
"You have a brother with the same name as you, a girl?"
"No, that's not his real name. "Graci Allen" is his stage
name."
"Gracey, there cannot be two Graci Allen's in show
business. It goes against AAAA rules." [George looks at the
audience.] "AAAA is the parent organization of all the major show
business unions and guilds."
"It's alright. He spells his name with an "i"."
"And you have no "i"."
"Of course not. Does a traditional American TV housewife
and mother think of herself?"
"Not until after Lucy. ...Look, Gracey, can we call your
brother something besides "Graci"? It will be too confusing
having Allens with the same name on the same stage."
"'Same stage'? George, we never show my brother."
Ding dong!
"Don't worry, Gracey, we won't see him. [George walks back
onto the set and for their front door. Gracey follows.
[On the way, George picks up the mixing bowl from the end
table. He drops it, letting the batter get on the carpet.]
"George! Why did you do that?"
"I told the audience I do some household chores."
"You're going to scrape up the mess, and get down on your
hands and knees and scrub the carpet? And what audience?"
"You're right, Gracey. You do this household chore. I
already have top billing."
Ding dong!
"Who's at the door, George?"
"I'm going to find out. But I think I already know."
[George opens their front door. There is an 18-19-year-old
girl; you might call her a cute version of the 50s platinum
blonde bombshell. But when she speaks its in a rich baritone.]
"Hello, George."
"The face isn't familiar, but I know that voice."
"Is that Harry Von Zell, here to talk about Carnation
Condensed Milk?"
"I'll talk about Carnation Condensed Milk, but I'm not
suppose to be Harry Von Zell."
"What happened to the actor who was suppose to play
Gracey's brother?" [George opens the door wider, and lets in the
woman.]
"This is the only way the writers could fit me into the
show."
"I thought the union said you have to be seen on camera
every time you speak."
"They said when it's for the purposes of a bit, I don't
have to be."
"I love loopholes. Okay, Gracey, come and see who's here."
[Gracey, at last, unfreezes, and moves to greet the guest.]
"My brother!"
"My sister!" [The young blonde approaches the much older
woman as if they were, indeed, close female relatives.]
"Hold it." [George manages to get in behind and in the
middle of them, to put out his hands to stop them without
touching them.] "We can't keep calling him "my brother", or
Graci."
"How about "Harriett"?" [The woman looks at George.]
"We already have to many Harrys on the show."
"Yeah, George, how did that happen? Isn't there a rule
about having two characters with the same name on the same show?"
"You weren't our first announcer, you know. That was Bill
Goodwin. But he left to host his own variety show."
"Wow! He must have real talent."
"That's why I was happy to see him go. I don't like to have
people around that are more talented than I am. Any way, his show
only lasted 7 months, so how talented was he?
"He did get a job hosting a game show, "It Pays to Be
Married". That lasted only 5 months. Then he did the narration
for the cartoon "Gerald McBoing-Boing"."
"At least he's known for something besides this show."
"It's not your fault, Harry. Your show was just ahead of
its time."
"What show?"
"'Celebrity Golf'. Gracey, aren't you going to introduce
me?"
"Oh, George! You know my brother."
"But we were going to give him a name."
"Oh, George, there you go being silly again. My brother
already has a name."
"We were going to give him a stage name, remember? I know,
we'll call him "Connie Stevens"."
"Hey, you can't call him that! That's my name!" [The woman
gets upset, no longer a baritone, but a soprano.]
"That's very good! You sound just like a girl." [Gracey
smiles, pleased.]
"That's because I am a girl, Mrs. Burns!"
"I don't remember the actress playing Gracey's brother
having a speaking part."
"I don't remember you calling him "Connie Stevens", either!
You can't use that name. That's my name."
"Actually, your name is Concetta Ann Ingolia."
"I didn't know my brother was Italian. You don't look it."
"Well, AAAA says it's "Connie Stevens"! ' You going to make
something of it? And AAAA also said I have to have a speaking
role, since I had one in "Young and Dangerous"!"
"Okay, we won't call Gracey's brother "Connie Stevens". I
don't want to get in trouble with the union."
"I hope the Carnation Condensed Milk people aren't
counting. They wouldn't like it if another name got mentioned
more than theirs did." [Gracey looks a bit concerned.]
[George turns to the audience.] "So we cheated a little. I
told you I like to mention our sponsor's name as often as I can.
"Listen, Connie, do you have a problem if we call the
character "Wendy"?"
"No. Why "Wendy"?"
"You'll find out in about 7 or 8 years. So, this is your
famous brother, Gracey. The one that wants to be a female
impersonator."
"Yes. Oh, I'm sorry you can't be a female impersonator,
Wendy."
"What do you mean, he can't be? Look at him! He looks just
like a young woman."
"Yes, isn't it a shame." [Gracey takes Wendy's hands, and
holds them while she backs back to take a better look.] "Such an
cute girl, too!"
"Thank you, Gracey."
"You certainly wear nice clothes. They show off your figure
so well."
"Hold it right there, Gracey. You said your brother
wouldn't wear women's clothes."
"That's right."
"But Wendy is wearing women's clothes!"
"I am not!" [Wendy pulls her hands out of Gracey's grip.]
"You see?"
"No, I don't see."
"Men!" [Wendy throws a hand up, and lets it fall back
down.]
"Right. Men!" [Gracey imitates Wendy.]
"Hold on, "Wendy", you're a man, too."
"I am not."
"You see?"
"If you're Gracey's brother, the one who wants to be a
female impersonator, you have to be a male!"
"Of course I'm a male." [Wendy puts her hands on her hips.]
"I'm just not a man, yet."
"You see, George? There's a perfectly reasonable
explanation for everything."
"What do you mean you're not a man, yet?"
"I'm not yet 21." [Wendy puts a fist on her hips while she
points at George.] "I'm not legally an adult yet, and I want to
keep it that way for as long as I can get away with playing
teenage ing?nue roles."
"Oh, my poor brother. Wendy, if you're going to be a
female, you can't give straight forward answers."
"Gracey's right, you know, Wendy. You need to have the
circular logic that will drag out a bit for as many minutes as it
takes to eat up the time.
"I thought as Gracey's brother, that would come naturally."
"Hey, are you saying all women have to be scatterbrained?"
[Wendy's fists are thrust down as she leans forward in a
challenging stare.]
"Don't be, silly... Women aren't scatterbrained. Men just
can't understand how we think."
"Statistically, men are the worse drivers. But women
drivers are funnier. Just like it's funnier to see a man dressed
up like a woman, than a woman a man."
"I don't think it's funny." [Windy frowns, crossing her
arms.]
"Don't you watch Milton Burl?" [Gracey touches a forearm,
while putting the other hand on Wendy's shoulders.]
"That's the type O female impersonator. The type A isn't
supposed to be funny."
"That's right!" [Gracey snaps her fingers.] "That type is
supposed to give women inferiority complexes."
"There are types of female impersonators? What type am I
suppose to be?" [Wendy uncrosses her arms.]
"You're not any type. You're the type that looks too much
like a woman to be good as a female impersonator. Oh, my poor
brother, he can be so scatterbrained at times." [Gracey shakes
her head as she looks at George.]
"I can make you the type B." [George takes out his cigar
and looks at it.] "I know a lot of people in show business."
"Really? You could make me the type B female impersonator?"
"Can my brother really be a type B, George?"
"I can practically guarantee it."
"That's great! Uh, George, what's a type B?"
"Yeah, what's a type B?" [Wendy acts somewhat suspicious.]
"Celebrity impersonator."
"Of course! Isn't that the perfect solution, Wendy. My
George can be so smart. A celebrity impersonator!
"George..."
"Why a celebrity impersonator? A female celebrity
impersonator is supposed to look like a real woman."
"Well, Wendy definitely looks like a real woman." [Gracey
touches her forearm and shoulder again.]
"But what real woman do I look like?"
"Connie Stevens."
"I told you not to use my real name!" [Wendy moves away
from Gracey, and towards George.]
"But we're talking about the real you. And you have to
admit, you do look like the real Connie Stevens."
"But I'm not a real celebrity, yet. Nobody's going to know
it's me I'm supposed to look like."
"That's where my connections in show business comes in."
"Why would you want to help me?"
"Silly! Because you're my brother, and George is my
husband!"
"Under my management, you're even going to be known as the
"Kookie Girl"."
"I will?"
"It will be a hit song you'll record with Edd Byrnes in
1959, "Kookie, Kookie (Lend Me Your Comb)"."
"I'll get to sing?"
"What's a female celebrity impersonator without some songs
to lip-sync to? You'll also do some singing in your TV show."
"I get a TV show?"
"'Hawaiian Eye'. Of course, you're not the star of it, but
it will last 5 years."
"5 years! That's a long time on TV."
"And all this time, you're also making movies."
"I get to be in more movies, too?"
"But then you make the mistake of doing a show called
'Wendy and Me'."
"Then I won't do it!"
"You have to. You see, I'm "Me"."
"That's why my name is "Wendy"?"
"You can't be "Connie Stevens". How can you impersonate
somebody, if you have the same name? People won't know who
they're paying to see."
"But I am Connie Stevens! How can I "impersonate" myself!"
"Silly! You're my brother."
"Never underestimate the power of show business. It's full
of people impersonating themselves."
"That's true. George is in show business, and I've met
them. There's hardly a real person among them."
"So, I am to give up my identity?"
"You already have. You are no longer Concetta Ingolia. You
are no longer Connie Stevens. You are no longer a girl."
"I'm not?"
"Of course, not! You're my brother, Wendy."
"If the producer wanted you to be a man, you'd be a man,
wouldn't you?"
"Yeah, I guess so. I'm already being a brother."
"That's called acting. Do you think you're good enough to
be a sixty year old man?"
"A sixty year old man?"
"Are you good enough?"
"Yes, I'm good enough!"
"Good. Then you can be "Me".
"What am I doing over there?! What am I doing in this
body?!! I'm a sixty-year-old man!!" [George is acting stunned and
very upset.]
"Wow, George! That is some good acting! I didn't think you
could act that well!"
"That's because I'm not acting!! I'm Connie Stevens!!"
"No. I'm Connie Stevens."
"No, you're my brother, Wendy Allen." [Gracey turns to
George.] "Not even a female celebrity impersonator yet, and
already he thinks he's the celebrity."
"You're right, Gracey. I should tell AAAA to change my name
to Wendy Allen."
"You're George Burns!! How did you get in my body?!!"
"I told you never underestimate the power of show business.
It was just a matter of blurring the line between your roles. If
you can get it by the censors, the producer can do anything.
"As long as it pleases his audience." [Gracey comes a
little closer to Wendy.] "That's why George doesn't sing much,
even on his own show."
"Then, once the show is over with, I'll be back to being in
myself!" [George points a finger up in the "Ah, Ha!" gesture.]
"Where would the entertainment value be in that? If the
audience wants to believe that I continue to be you, who are we
to tell them otherwise."
"I am who!!" [George has his arms thrown back in a Wendy-
like challenge.]
"But are they going to believe you? They've already
suspended their disbelief on this show so much they'll believe
just about anything."
"I'm not a part of an audience, and I'm disbelieving this
conversation is happening." [Gracey looks back and forth between
the two.]
"I'll get a new audience! Who would they rather believe as
a 19 year old girl?!"
"Certainly not a sixty-year-old man."
"That's the problem with type-casting." [Gracey shakes her
head.]
"That's right. I'm the producer, now, and I can change this
back!" [George thrusts his finger up high.]
"Not if the audience likes my act better. Oh, Ronnie! Will
you come down here?"!
"In a minute!"
"You know our son? Oh, that's right, you're my brother. But
you would still make a cute couple."
"Wait a minute! Is that what you have planned?! Just what
do you want to do with my body?!" [George is frowning even more
than before.]
"If you'd been listening to my monolog at the beginning of
the show, you'll remember me telling everybody that Gracey
retires from show business, soon. My career takes a nose dive,
after that."
"You want my career?!"
"No. I want Gracey's career. Like I said, I've had to be
the straight man. Now, I get to be the comedian. Or comedienne,
as the case may be. You are cast as a bit of a flake."
"Oh, George isn't really a flake."
"And with my knowledge of show business, you'll now be as
scatterbrained as Gracey. More."
"You called me, Dad?" [A good-looking young man comes down
the stairs.]
"Your son knows?!!"
"First it was "my brother", now, it's "your son". You're
having pronoun problems, today, George. You're already starting
to act like a scatterbrain."
"Of course Ronnie knows. I've been training him to be me in
the act."
"Man, Dad, you were right! She is cute."
"If our act is a success, we're going to get married."
"That's sick!"
"Why? We're not related, any more."
"I don't know if I want my son married to a female
impersonator."
"But I do a great impersonation. We'll go to the spa, and
I'll show you, Gracey.
"And George, Connie Stevens' career is going to be better
in this timeline. Like I said, I have some small time power."
"But I'm not going to be living it?! What? I have to wait
until you're 80, before I get a chance to live a successful
career?!"
"By that time. Connie Stevens will be in her mid 30s. Like
most women in show business, she will be too old to have a
successful career."
"So you're saying..."
"Show business can be cruel. Are you ready, Ronnie?" [The
two of them walk off the set, and onto the stage apron.]
"So, how do you like being the star, at last?"
"I love it. And you know what's the best part? I finally
have a singing voice. Hit it, Ira!"
[Piano music starts to play.] "The moon in June, the
honeymoon, and soon we spoon..."
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