Green Acres 12 Chapter and Verse an Ode to Alf
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Green Acres 9: Alf And The French Butler's Uniform free porn video
Green Acres 9: Alf and the French Butler's Uniform
By Ron Dow75
Sounding as if he were taking off his clothes, Alf said from
inside the Douglas's' bathroom, "I didn't know Mrs. Douglas wore
a girdle."
His sister, a matronly strawberry blonde mop-head was the living
room on the other side in just a shirt with wide pin-stripes,
"Why don't you talk a little louder, loudmouth! She's right next
door in the bedroom!"
Calling out from the king-sized bed she was sitting up in on the
other side of both walls, "Thats's okay! That's is nots my
girdle! Its comes with the butler's uniform!" the bouffant blonde
was a beautiful despite the yellow-with-gold men's style pajamas
she was wearing.
"Butlers wear girdles?"
Lisa Douglas was leafing through an issue of "Gentlewoman's
Quarterly", "What did he say, Ralph?!"
Ralph was doing up the top shirt buttons, "He said, 'Butlers wear
girdles?'!"
"Our butlers always wear girdles. They're orthopedic."
"Orthopedic?! I thought that was for the feet?!"
"Have you ever weared heels?!"
"(Hnh, hrn!) Me wear heels!?! What do you think?!"
"Whats did he say, Ralph?!"
Ralph was picking up the black, pin-stripe slacks, "He said,
"Yes"!"
Alf said, "Tattletale."
Ralph said, "I wear your clothes; you don't think people don't
know you wear mine?!"
"I've never worn your clothes," Alf defended himself. "You don't
have any heels, or dresses... Or anything the least bit
feminine!"
Ralph stepped into the slacks, "I do, too! (I snuck them from
Mom's things.)"
"Me, too! You're not going to have something I don't have."
"Whats are you saying?!" Lisa Douglas called out, again.
"You were saying why the girdle's good for a butler's feet!"
Ralph called back, pulling up her slacks.
"With thats girdle you don'ts have to any running arounds and
arounds!"
"A butler has to do a lot of running around??" Alf said,
wondering if he had gotten the job description wrong.
"You do when you don'ts have a girdle to protects you from the
Master of the House!"
"That Mr. Douglas is a piece of work!" Ralph scowled, zipping her
slacks up. "Not only does he chase maids, he runs around and
around the furniture after butlers!"
"If it's as, hard, to get off as it is, on, I can see how, it
saves on the, shoe, leather," Alf said in a straining voice.
"Its also gots electricitsical shockers!"
"Is that what this tail's for?"
"Girdles don't have tails, dummy!" his sister told him, and she
fastened the belt.
"This one does! Excuse me for, not knowing how to, be a butler,
Mrs. Douglas, but how, am I suppose, to do, my job when the
cord's, too short?!"
"You don'ts gots its plugged in while you work, Alf!" Mrs.
Douglas told him in a patient voice. "That's for recharging the
batteries!"
"It comes with batteries?"
"They're in the padding!"
"Oh, is that what that's for up front here." He was sounding like
he had some trouble breathing fully.
"And down back theres, too!"
As his sister put her blue shirt and white coveralls in the
suitcase she'd brought with her, she taunted, "It's going to take
a lot more padding to fill you out! I still have more things!"
"Unh, unh! You just count wrong! You don't like to lose, so you
cheat!"
Lisa Douglas called, "Your sister is corrects: Womens do gots
more! Its evens things out, because mens gots more of less!"
"You don't have to call out so loudly, Mrs. Douglas!" Alf
couldn't call back as loudly as he could before. "I can hear
you."
"Oh? -And so can I. Why is its?"
"It must be the draft," Ralph said, sitting down on the leopard-
spotted couch to put on her black socks. "You can hear
everything, when the wind's right."
"It has gotten draftier," Alf said. "I'm glad this girdle has
legs-"
"-With lace frills thats match the butler's petticoats!"
"...Okay. But how do, I mean, how does a butler, uh, leave in
this?"
"A butler doesn'ts leave in its!" Lisa told him. "He takes its
off, first!"
"I was trying to be classy, like the butlers you see on those old
movies! They wouldn't just say 'go', would they?"
Ralph told him, "If you really were going to be classy, you
wouldn't've said anything! All those cinerama butlers never go to
the bathroom!"
"You gets fifteen minutse breaks, Alf!" Mrs. Douglas told him.
"Fifteen minutes!? Is that all!?! It's going to take at least
that long to get out and in of this rig you gave me."
"Mr. Douglas didn't like the idea of the butlers wearing
girdles," ("The sex fiend!" Ralph muttered, picking up the first
black wingtip oxfords.) "until I pointsed its outs to him they
keep them outs of the booze. Booze is liquid, you know."
"I'll remember that," Alf said. "Mrs. Douglas?! If I'm going to
wear a girdle, do I have to wear the panties, too?"
"Of course you do!" his sister told him, slipping her foot in the
shoe. "What's a French burler without lacy, frilly panties?!"
"Because they go with the lace frill of the petticoats?" Alf
tried out the logic.
"Puts on the gartser belts first!" Lisa Douglas told him.
"Pantsies go over a gartser belts!"
"(I'm in a girdle...)" Alf grumbled. "Mrs. Douglas, can't I wear
pantyhose, instead?!"
Finished with the first shoe, his sister said, exasperated, "No:
French butlers always wear black silk stockings!"
"Mr. Douglas says a butler is always going to gets runs just
butlering, so its cheaper to buy one replacements than two legs
and a panty," Lisa Douglas explained.
"So that's why French butlers wear garter belts," Ralph said, the
second shoe in her hand. "It's true what they say about the rich.
And Mr. Douglas's one of the miserliest!"
"It'd be even cheaper if I was an English butler and wore garters
and half-hose!" Alf suggested. "Cheaper, still, just to have bear
legs," Alf told them.
"No you don'ts!" Lisa Douglas told him. "Whenever Mr. Douglas
gets on one of his economyizing kicks, I have to fights dental
hygenist and manicurist to keep him from cutting my hosery
budget!"
"Men!" Ralph cursed, lacing up the last shoe. "They don't
understand how important hose are to a woman!"
"How would you know?!" her brother said. "When was the last time
you wore nylons!?
"At the dance! The last time I wore Mom's clothes!" Ralph set her
foot down.
"Ha (hmrm)!" Alf chortled his victory. "I've worn them more often
than you have!"
Lisa said with a smiling voice, "Then you understand about
stockings!"
"I understand they trap and spread around the damp while the
little holes let in the weather!"
"See?! They're like anything thats helps a person be more lovely:
If they didn'ts lets you know they were there, you would forgets
and nots acts lovely!"
"How can anybody act lovely, when they feel -Ow! The garter belt
got away from me!"
"Is that as far as you've gotten!?!" his sister said, standing up
from the couch.
"No! I've got the black silk dress on!"
"What did he say, Ralph?!" Lisa Douglas called.
"The wind must've shifted," she said, picking up the tie she'd
placed over the back of the couch.
"I always thought this house was draftier," Alf said.
"It is," she told him, as she put the tie around, then under her
shirt collar. "We're carpenters; we're one of the reasons it is
so drafty."
"What did you say, Ralph?!" Mrs. Douglas asked.
Ralph started looping the tie, "Alf said he's already wearing his
little black dress!"
"Little is right: I've seen mini dresses longer than this."
"Where have you seen mini-dresses?!" Ralph challenged her
brother. "This is the Valley."
"I went to the cosmetical symposium, remember!?"
"They had girls in mini-skirts!?!" asked his sister.
"They had girls in mini-skirts!?!" repeated Mrs. Douglas.
"Now, the wind shifts back!" Alf commented about his luck. "They
weren't girls: They were product demonstrators."
"The cosmeticals is for men!" Ralph reminded him, she unknotted
the tie, having gotten it wrong.
"They were showing us how to apply them."
Lisa said, "Then you do know how to put on the cosmeticals!"
"No he doesn't," Ralph said, getting exasperated at the tie, too.
"I bet he was too busy looking at their legs."
"And they had hoses on, didn'ts they?!" Lisa Douglas cried, her
point made.
"Yes, Ma'am," Alf admitted. "But looking at my bandy-little legs
in them, I don't think nothing's going to help them."
"Puts your heels on! They always help shape legs!"
"They'll make my calves more muscular!"
"You're a man (such as you are)," his sister said. "You're
allowed to have muscular calves!" She gave up on the tie.
"I thought the point was to make me look more like a woman?"
"The points is to wear the transvestites clothings of the
opposites sex while nots being too sexy!" Lisa told him. "Do you
think I wants to look like a man!?!"
"You're wearing men's clothes!" Alf said.
"Does thats make me look like a man?"
(Ralph wasn't so sure about herself.)
"No. (Actually it makes you look cute (hnh, he-m!))"
"You'll never look cute," Ralph told him, collecting the things
from her coveralls she'd left on the coffee table. "But we have
to keep you from looking ridiculous, or the men in the Valley
won't transvestite up to get rid of the Green Acre's Curse!"
"I think there's something wrong with your logic. The men'd
rather look like Milton Berle than Martha Rae."
"Buts the women of the Valley won'ts!"
"Most of them already look like Martha Rae (and on her frumpiest
days). You sure they're going to like the competition from the
men? What if we look better?! (Which (hrm, hrm!) isn't going to
be hard to do.)"
Lisa Douglas spoke up, "Then there's going to be a vicious cycle
were the men are going to have budgets in, too, the women's
cosmetsicals and other beautyifying aides!"
"Not if the men like looking better."
"This is a curse! Since when has there ever been any logic in
it!?!" After checking the contents of her "Roy Rogers" wallet,
she'd pocketed her keys, comb, nail clippers, handkerchief,
measuring tape...
"I forgot. -How do you run in these heels?!"
"You don't run in heels, dummy!" Ralph said.
"I'm going to run if Mr. Douglas's going to chase me around the
furniture!"
"Why don't you just belt him!" Ralph told him.
"Because he's bigger than I am!"
"Oh, for goodness sake! I'll belt him, then!"
"By then, it'll be too late," Alf said, opening the door. The
squat-faced, short, fit, but wide man was a little narrower
because of the girdle under the short, black silk dress with the
little white and frilly tea apron with lace frill around the ends
of the little black puffy sleeves, scoop neckline and choker. As
for his banty-legs, they emphasized their muscles; but at least
they had been shaved recently. Though, his chest hairs, hadn't.
"You're not wearing any petticoats!" his sister noted.
"No one wears petticoats any more."
"Around here, we do. We even have a Petticoat Junction, a
Petticoat Lane, and a Petticoat Pass."
"Well, outside of the Valley, they were wearing mini-skirts!" Alf
said, pulling the hem of the short skirt out.
"Black silk mini-skirts, with little white aprons?" Ralph said,
not really asked.
"They also don't wear garter belts. But as long as I'm setting
the trend of being the first man in a dress, I can also make a
fashion statement!"
"You weren't the first man to wear a dress; Hankie was! I saw him
in his dress uniform, yesterday." Then Ralph almost giggled, "He
was cute!"
"But he probably forgot men don't dress in dresses. And you'd
think that dope was cute in diapers!"
"He was not!" Ralph defended her taste.
"Hank Kimball weared diapers?" a bathrobed Lisa Douglas said from
the bedroom door, and on her slippered feet.
"It was for a New Years Eve party!"
"Mrs. Douglas!" Alf said, coming towards her. "I don't mind being
a butler, even a French one, but do I have to wear petticoats?"
"Hold on! You're not buttoned up in the back!" Ralph said, taking
hold of the back of his skirt.
"Hey, careful! I'm still learning to walk in these heels!"
"You've worn heels," she said, pulling him back.
"Not five inch spikes!"
Ralph started buttoning her brother up in back, while looking
down at the heels, "They are kind of extreme for a butler, aren't
they, Mrs. Douglas? Even a French one."
"And they make my calves bunch! See?" he said, turning an ankle.
"They're parts of the butler self-defense system: If the Man of
the House catches you, you stiletto him!"
"And if that doesn't work, Old Fumble-fingers has to deal with
these buttons," Ralph said, having difficulty closing them. It
looked like the tight dress was a size too snug for Alf.
"But in the meantime, they make you taller," she added.
"Mr. Douglas is still taller. -How do butlers run around and
around in these heels, anyway??" he asked, looking down past the
bust.
"You run on your toes, not your heels!"
"...Like a ballerina!" Lisa Douglas told him.
"Ballerina?! Me!? (Hm-pHa!)" Alf laughed at the thought.
"Now you can do something with those lessons," Ralph told him, on
the last button.
"Ose? You took ballerina lessons, Alf?" Lisa Douglas asked.
"Only because Ralph didn't want to take them! She never liked to
do anything that girls did."
Ralph scorned, "But you did!"
"I did not! I just liked having something you didn't have!"
"The feeling's ditto, dummy!"
"Oyse!" Mrs. Douglas said. "Talk abouts siblings rivalry."
"Now, my dummy brother gets something I don't," Ralph said
sourly.
"Unh, unh: You were a Mrs. Douglas's once maid before me! You
even wore a black French maid's uniform!" He tugged the hem at
her.
"But it didn't have a mini-skirt!"
"That's because you don't have the legs (hnh, hrn!)" he said,
lifting the hem higher, revealing more of the black silk.
"Why you!" she balled up her fist, ready to let go. "I ought to
knock you off your toes!" (Alf dropped the hem.)
Mrs. Douglas interrupted to explained, "The reason this French
butler's uniform gots a shorts skirts, and the French maid's
uniform didn'ts was because Mr. Haney swaped our clothes around,
he didn't have any other kind of French uniforms! Not counting
the Nepoleon."
"But he had the right-size electric girdle!?" Alf said, trying to
pull at it under the dress while wiggling around.
"He said they were the maid's he had before he sold us the house
and farm," Lisa Douglas said. "The house was too drafty for her
withouts them."
Ralph looked at the rear padding wear some of the batteries were
kept, "Whoever his maid was, it must've really given her big back
balconies."
Alf looked down at the matching B cups, "Unless she was really
flat. I wonder what size Mrs. Haney is."
"Don'ts you know?"
"No, Mrs. Douglas," Alf said. "No one's ever been in one of Mr.
Haney's houses while he was living in it."
"No one's even seen what Mrs. Haney looks like," Ralph added.
"That's strange. Mr. Haney says she likes to talk a lots."
"He says she likes to nag! (Hrnh, hrr!)" Alf laughed, giving up
on the girdle for the moment.
"You'd nag, too, if you were kept locked up in the house all of
the time!" Ralph frowned.
"If she were locked up, why doesn't Haney put a muzzle on her!"
"Uh, oh!" his sister said. "Now, you've gone over the line!"
"You're right," Alf hung his head in shame. "But I was expecting
Haney to be listening, and show up and stop me before I said
something that didn't meet the local community standard."
"Ose! Thats reminds me why I'm outs here!" Lisa Douglas said.
"The wind died down. The drafts wasn't telling me whats you were
saying."
"That's right!" Alf realized, almost moving in the spikes. "Mrs.
Douglas you're suppose to be in bed, sitting on your egg!"
"Look what you did! Some butler you're going to be!"
"Me!?" he looked over his shoulder, "You were the butler until I
got in my butlering uniform!"
"I wasn't a butler: I was a maid! I had pants, didn't I?!"
"That's okay," Lisa Douglas tried to assure them. "Even a hen
gots to get out and stretch her legs, now and then. Only I'm not
a hen; I'm a human woman."
"Everybody can see you're a human woman, Mrs. Douglas (heh,
hrnh!)" Alf said.
"She means a human woman takes her eggs with her!" Ralph told her
dummy brother, as she gave in, and went over to Mrs. Douglas.
"Where is your egg, then, Mrs. Douglas?" Alf asked.
"Eglantine has been where she's always been with me: In my
boxers."
"Boxers!?" Ralph said. "Is that really the right place for an
egg?"
"It's not the safest place for my child. Its would be better if
she was in briefs, but Mr. Douglas never weared those kind of
shorts."
"If you need shorts, Ralph wears briefs!" Alf tiptoed over.
"Alf!"
"What!?! You were the one who didn't like the idea of boxers!"
"I also don't like other people wearing my lingerie!"
"I'll wash them before she gives them back to you, you big baby!
I'm the butler. I do the laundry at home, don't I?!"
"Where's Haney when you want him?" Ralph muttered.
"Do you wear boxers or briefs, Alf?" Lisa Douglas asked.
"He wears panties," Ralph told her.
"Ose, that won'ts do," Lisa Douglas sighed. "Even if I wasn'ts
transvestiting, panties would be too snug for Eglantine. She
needs the room."
"Your panties are snug??" Alf aksed.
"Oh..." Ralph finally relented, "all right! You can borrow a pair
of briefs from my suitcase."
"Thank you, Ralph!" Lisa smiled pleased. "You can be the fair
godmother to little Eglantine!"
Alf commented, "'Fair godmother', hunh? Not bad for a cheater."
The End of this chapter
Note:
1) You may have noticed something that Alf hasn't. I'm just
letting you know I noticed it, too.
2) I'll get Alf into the petticoat as soon as I can.
General note: While I try to be as true to the original series as
best I can remember it, with all of my additions fitting in with
the "holes" left open, my memory may be a little off. That is why
it is an alternative world.
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