Green Acres 12 Chapter and Verse an Ode to Alf
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Green Acres 10: Hammer And Tongs, Trying To Make Alf Gorgeous free porn video
Green Acres 10: Hammer and Tongs, Trying to Make Alf Gorgeous
By Ron Dow75
While Mrs. Douglas was back in her bedroom putting on the briefs
Ralph had loaned her, Alf, in his little French outfit, was doing
his sister's tie. "I thought girls were better at tying knots."
"Not when you're at the wrong end of the noose," pinstriped Ralph
said looking down at her brother's hands.
"And if you were good at tying knots, you'd be married by now!
(heh, hnh!)" Alf laughed at his own joke. His 5" heels made him,
at last, taller than her.
"Watch it! You're not hitched, either! At least I have an
interested other."
"Hank Kimball!?! That dope isn't interested in anything but...
No! He's not even interested in, well, maybe... Just thinking
about him has me thinking like him!!" Alf cried, cinching up the
tie.
"Hey!" Ralph cried, feeling the noose.
"Listen, Sis, there are other guys out there!" Alf told her, as
he let her adjust her tie.
"No, there isn't! If they don't get married, those with the looks
or smarts move out when they can: The Valley's cursed! Hankie's
all that's left, my age! He's the cutest, most adorable-"
The one in a dress told her, "How about a man who's not your age!
Women are always marrying older men. How about Sam Drucker?!"
"Sam Drucker!?" she cried.
"I'm not asking you to go out with Joe Carson!" Alf said, backing
away as best he could. "The only reason you think he's old-"
"Think(!) He's that old!? He was in the same class as Carson!
"But he's slim, trim, and not that bad looking! The only reason
you think he's old, like I was saying, is his gray hair!"
"It sounds as if you're interested in him!" she said, heading
back to the leopard spotted couch in front of the fireplace.
"Me!?" he tiptoed towards her on feet and legs that were feeling
the spikes, while hearing silk against silk.
"What man talks about a man being 'slim, trim, and not that bad
looking'!?"
"I'm just applying my 'Gorgeous Gentleman' training!" he answered
her, "You're taking my place. I think you can sell him the
product line. And once you have him (huh, humh!) you have most of
the men! Sam's the official unofficial community leader type!"
"Well..." she thought about it as she picked up her double-
breasted pin-striped coat. "Well, I don't know. You know how he
prides himself on keeping up the rustic, backwoods general grocer
image."
Mrs. Douglas said, "How is he going to do that in a dress?" She
was still in her yellow pajamas with gold trim and details.
"They have women general grocers," Ralph told her.
"And nobody knows they're grocers, when they come out from behind
the counter," Alf told his sister. "On TV, it's the man who wears
the apron."
"You would notice that," Ralph scorned at him, putting on the
coat.
"See? Ask Mr. Drucker if he wants to be thoughts of as just
another customer," Lisa Douglas suggested.
"Oh, he'd hate that!" Alf smiled.
"Wait a minute!" Ralph's eyes lit up. "Wrangler Jane was a
general grocer! She was all in buckskin. And she wore pants."
"You would notice that," Alf scorned at her.
"Mr. Drucker wouldn'ts look good in buckskins," Lisa said,
thinking of it. "I have convinced him transvestiting will nots
only gets rid of the Curse, its will also be good for the local
economy. When people buy things, then the Valley will have
consumers. And comsumering is whats America is all abouts!"
"Sounds logical to me," Alf said.
"But we have to gets him to give everybodies the idea to consumer
transvestiting things," she told them. "It's like Alf said, Mr.
Drucker gots a apron hang-up. That is how you gets him to buy
your makeups for mens!"
"No, Mrs. Douglas," Alf told her. "We in the trade never call it
'makeups for mens'. I learned that at the 'Gorgeous Gentleman'
symposium. Men can be sold anything, as long as we don't think
it's for women. 'Makeup' is something men have to do when women
wear them. We prefer to call our cosmeticals 'forceup'!"
"'Forceps'!" Lisa Douglas said, not liking the word.
"'Forceup' is a word that's been thoroughly market tested," Alf
assured her.
"Yeah," Ralph remembered what she'd read for her lazy brother.
"Men don't have the same associations as women."
"I'm expecting with egg," Lisa Douglas defended her reaction. "Of
course I'm going to think of things maternity-ward-al."
"What do eggs have to do with cosmeticals?" Alf wondered.
"See?" Ralph said to Mrs. Douglas, "He's a man; he doesn't know
what you're talking about." Then to the dummy, "She's talking
about those tong things!"
Alf worked a pair of imaginary tongs, trying to figure out the
connection. "...You use them to pick the eggs out of boiling
water."
"'Boiling water'!" Lisa Douglas got another association. "That's
what the doctor tells you to do, just before, just before..."
"If this is how you're going to be expecting, I'm glad I'm not
going to be your maid, now," Ralph said. "Mrs. Douglas, you were
saying about Drucker?"
"Mr. Drucker?" Lisa Douglas tried to focus on something besides
her gestation. "Oh! You have to gets him the perfects apron. Nots
one Mr. Haney will wants to sell you..."
"Of course, not. Haney's Drucker's biggest competitor," Ralph
agreed.
"-Its gots to be from some woman he likes and admires. Who will
give him the permission he needs to wear its."
"Mrs. Bradley!" Ralph smiled, admiring Mrs. Douglas's female
intuitive understanding. "Drucker and Bradley were almost an
item."
Alf scoffed, "They were 'almost an item' since they were kids,
together."
"And why weren'ts they evered itemized?" Lisa Douglas's feminine
curiosity asked.
"He was always a year younger than she was," Ralph shook her head
sadly.
+++
On their way to the kitchen, Alf looked at the woman in the
tailored pajamas, "Do you have your egg with you? I don't see a
bulge. I always think of expecting women and bellies."
"Eggs and bellies!" Lisa Douglas said.
"You insensitive man, you!" Ralph accused. "It's supposed to
hatch into her child."
"I'm sorry! I was just wondering!"
"Can't you see where it is by the way she's walking?!" Ralph told
him.
"I thought family-way ladies walked the other way. You know, with
the legs more out, and dow-oops-" Alf nearly feel off his spike
heels demonstrating.
"That's when they carry kids that don't come in shells!"
Alf looked at Mrs. Douglas from behind as she gracefully rolled
one hip after the other. "How does she keep it there? I thought
that women had a... gap between their legs there; you know, where
they don't touch."
"Forgive my dummy brother, Mr. Douglas. If he really knew about
women, and hadn't spent his time looking at girls like the
Bradley's, he wouldn't ask a question like that!" Then the woman
in the suit turned on him, "Why do you think she wears long
dress-I mean pants!"
"It's times like these thats I'm glad my vanity is mainly all on
my head, and I plastic-surgery-ize what I show." Then she added,
"Mind you, its would be different if they had invented
liposuction, yet."
Alf watched her carefully sit down on one of the kitchen chairs.
"It's almost as if women were made to brood."
"They are! Even a fat man's legs would be pressing against the
shell," Ralph told him; then, "Sit down at that chair, next to
Mrs. Douglas, and we can put the forceup on you."
As he headed there, Alf saw, "How did the toolbox get in here?"
Ralph told him, "I brought in from the bedroom when I went to get
my luggage."
"You were always strong-ER!!" Alf cried, suddenly rising off of
the chair he'd just sat down on. "That chair's cold!"
"So!? You're covered, aren't you?" Ralph said, lifting up his
skirt to check. "You've got on a girdle with legs; and panties
over that. Not to mention the added layer the panties' frills
give you."
"But they're lacy!" he told her, pulling the skirt down.
"You big baby. Just make sure you're sitting on the skirt!"
Grumbling, Alf made sure he did just that. And, when he was down,
he pulled at the short hem of the skirt, "See?! See the gap of
bare skin before the stockings! That's where the cold comes in!"
"That's another reason I like to wear long dresses," Lisa Douglas
confided to him.
"Oh: It's fine for you to wear long dresses, but the help has to
wear mini skirts!"
"Quiet!" his sister said. "We already said short skirts was
Haney's idea!"
"Just like a man," Alf said, pulling at the hem more. "You sure
the garter belt's not going to break loose and snap me? It seems
awfully stretched by sitting."
"Stop complaining!" Ralph told him, putting the toolbox down on
the chair on the other side of the kitchen table from him. "You
didn't hear women complain for thousands of years."
"The mens wouldn'ts listen," Lisa Douglas said.
"They had elastic for thousands of years?" Alf said, testing the
fasteners that attached the black silk stockings.
"Actually, its was the women who had to be elastic," Lisa Douglas
informed him.
"I think I know what you mean," Alf said, wiggling around inside
the girdle.
"Be thankful you don'ts have corset stays. Unless, of course, you
like to be bondaged up?"
"'Bondaged up'?" Alf asked.
"At least you don't have a collar," Ralph said, wiggling her neck
inside the tie.
"Yes, I do!" Alf replied, snapping his white, lacy choker.
"But yours doesn't have a leash," Ralph picked up widest end of
the tie.
"Why do people do things like that to themselves?!" Lisa Douglas
asked to whatever narrator that would tell her.
Alf told her, "You're the one that said all beautifying aides had
to be uncomfortable enough that you won't forget to act
beautiful."
"Well, if I said it, it must be true."
"I wish you were going to see how uncomfortable it is to wear
makeup!" Ralph reached into the toolbox.
"'Forceup'!" Alf reminded her. His sister was laying out the
black squeeze tubes with the gold lettering.
"Forceup is more not like makeup than just its name?" Lisa
Douglas asked.
"Yes, Ma'am," Alf nodded. "Knowing how men are big babies, and
don't want to act beautiful, The makers of 'Gorgeous Gentleman'
cosmeticals have specially formulated their products so that they
do not lay on the man's skin, but are absorbed right into it"."
"'Absorbed'?" Lisa Douglas asked, interested in anything
cosmetical. "Why can't they do that with womens's cosmetical
products?"
"Er... 'bigger pores'?" Alf, thrown off the lesson plan, tried to
remember other parts of it.
"Then they ought to make bigger pore makers for women!" Lisa
Douglas said indignantly. "Then they'd sell even more of their
cosmeticals!"
"No, they wouldn't," Ralph said. There were already a dozen black
tubes on the kitchen table. Remembering the lessons quite well,
she told Mrs. Douglas, "After careful market research, they found
that women preferred to feel like they're hiding behind a mask.
"That's right, I do!" Lisa Douglas realized. "How could I forget
that!? I must've become a narrative vehicle."
"A what?" Alf asked.
"It's like she said," Ralph told him, "there are times when women
need extra-heavy duty help to remind them they're pretty."
"I don't remember hearing Mrs. Douglas say that," Alf said.
"That's because you're not a womans," Lisa Douglas said.
"I'm dressed like one. And you're going to use the forceup to
make my face look like one. (Which, I'll remind you, is not what
the product is for.)"
"Looking like a woman does not make you a woman."
"Yeah!" Ralph told him. "There are days when the only thing that
lets a woman feel pretty is her makeup."
"How would you know?" Alf said. "You been sneaking some more of
Mom's makeup behind her back again?"
"How can I?!! After you started doing it cause I was doing it,
she weighs everything, now!"
"And you get the blame! (Hah, hr, nh!)" Alf laughed.
"Watch it!" Ralph threatened, little hammers in her hand.
"What are those for?" Lisa Douglas said, fascinated with the
implements. "I thought I knew all there was about cosmeticals."
"They're applicators!" Alf told her. "Besides the fact that men
see women use brushes-"
"Not in this Valley," Ralph interrupted with a comment. "Men
don't like to buy the woman anything."
"Ignoring the exaggerator," Alf said, "'Besides that', men don't
like to paint. So 'Gorgeous Gentleman' uses hammers. Men like to
hammer. It's one of the most manly things they can think of."
"In the test marketing they did," Ralph added.
"Right," Alf nodded.
"How do you hammer on cosmeticals?" Lisa Douglas asked, picking
up one of the hammers Ralph had laid down.
"See? The end, there, it's a sponge colored to match the black
head."
("Don't say "blackhead" and cosmeticals," Ralph said, rubbing her
hands with something from one of the tubes.)
"So... you hits yourself with its?" Lisa Douglas asked, pointing
it at Alf.
"That's men for you," Ralph said.
"If it helps them to wear cosmeticals, then they can become
knock-outs," Lisa Douglas said.
"But before we use the hammers, we have to prepare the pores,"
Ralph said, opening another tube.
"You're going to be a 'Gorgeous Gentleman', too?" Lisa Douglas
asked Ralph.
"What?"
"You put something on your hands; now you're putting something
else on your hands."
"No! The first was to protect my hands. I don't want pretty
hands," Ralph said, finally squeezing the contents of the second
black tube into a hand.
"Market research shows mens don'ts like pretty hands?"
"Neither does my sister," Alf said. "She won't even use
Palmolave."
"Isn't that a dish soap?"
"It's also suppose to make your hands soft and non-red; like
Madge the manicurist on TV says."
"If I wanted pretty hands, then I'd have to do the dishes," Ralph
defended her decision, while rubbing the goo around between her
palms.
"So, Alf does the dishes at home, too?" Lisa Douglas asked.
"No, Mom does," Alf told her. "She believed what Ralph and Madge
told her."
"Let's not talk about me, and talk about you," she said, rubbing
the goop over his face. "It's a good thing you shaved this
morning. That stubble of yours is like a scouring pad."
"Afraid I'd hurt your 'pretty hands'? (hmh!)" Alf grinned.
"I'm afraid you'd scrape off the hand protector."
"Alf?" Mrs. Douglas interjected, "You have a five o'clock shadow,
don'ts you?"
"No, Ma'am; I have a three o'clock shadow. That's how bad it is."
"Ose," she said, looking around the table and at his stockinged
legs, "that's going to be a problem. How many black silk hosery
do you think we have outs here in the rural?"
"I wouldn't worry about it, Mrs. Douglas," Alf said. "When we
were in Junior High School, me and Ralph swapped leg hair. -Ow!"
Ralph was kneading his face particularly hard, "I should've made
you take the boobs!"
"You can do that?" Lisa Douglas asked.
Alf told her as his face was pulled and pushed, "In the, Valley,
you can. Only, only we didn't, know it at, the time."
"If you try to make the Curse work for you, it doesn't," Ralph
said, obviously remembering some of those times.
"Yes; I see," Lisa Douglas nodded. "Then it wouldn't be a Curse."
Alf said, "So, people, stopped, trying long, ago."
"If it's a curse, then its would have backfires in it's fine
print," Lisa Douglas. "We in Hungary know all about how Gypsie
curses work.
"But you said its was a swap. Does Ralph have your leg hair?"
"Why do you, think, she wears pants, all of, the time," Alf
smiled through the pain.
Ralph stopped messing with her brother's face: "But I also got
your right cross!" Ralph said, threatening him with it.
"That's why she wants to hit people, he said testing his bruised
face muscles by moving them. "She always has hairy legs, but how
often does she get to show off her strength?" Then Alf did one of
his laughs, "Especially since she drove Zeke Miller out of the
Valley."
"Ose!" Lisa Douglas nodded, understanding that, too. "That's the
boy you really liked."
"I did not!!" Ralph yelled, defensive.
"Zeke's brother and her have feuded ever since," Alf informed
Mrs. Douglas.
Ralph tried changing the subject by getting back onto it, "The
pore conditioner flushes the moisture out..."
"It makes it thirsty," Alf said in an aside to Mrs. Douglas.
"That should tighten the folds of skin around your mouth, and the
wrinkles in your forehead."
"Like a chemical face-lifts!" Mrs. Douglas smiled. "Tight skin is
very fashionable."
Ralph pressed on, "Then, it's ready to absorb the moisture in the
products. It's time to put on the base!" Ralph advised, squeezing
another tube. "This tone should be alright."
"I hope you're going to be more gentle with the customers," Alf
said.
"You're not a customer: You're a demonstration model!" she said,
slapping, literally, it on.
"Ow! Then it'd better cover up black-and-blue marks!"
"Ose, it must," Lisa Douglas said. "What kind of cosmetical is
its, if its doesn'ts do that?"
"Mr. Douglas beats you!?!" Alf said.
"I knew he was that kind of man!" Ralph said, taking out her
feeling on Alf's face some more.
"How can he catch me, if I don't lets him beats me?"
"Catch? Doesn't he think of anything else but chasing people
around the furniture!" Alf said.
"But how do you get black-and-blue marks, then?" Ralph asked.
"You try running around a small place with furniture and high
heels."
Alf said, "I got very high heels on!"
"Just keep your electric girdle on, and zap him!" his sister told
him. "You're his butler, not his wife; you don't have to let him
get away with beating you!"
Ralph stepped away, and studied him, "Now the 243 page manual
says we should take a hammer and hit him with some accent tint."
"Hmm..." Lisa Douglas studied Alf, too, now. "Under the cheek
bones, to make them look higher. Then mix it with some of my
blush."
"I hope the two different kinds of cosmeticals are compatible,"
Alf began to fret. "I'd hate to have them reacting on my face."
"That's why they have cold cream," Lisa Douglas told him.
"What about his nose?" Ralph asked. "'Gorgeous Gentleman' says
you can highlight it."
"But he has a cute button nose."
"I do not have a 'cute button nose'. I have a broken nose," Alf
said, frowning at his sister. "Guess who broke it."
"I'll straighten it, if you don't let me get on with it!"
The End of this chapter
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