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Tina By Jacki Pett Tim was as nervous as a cat. This was only his second time out in public, at a mall, and he was acutely aware of everyone and everything around him. As it was on almost any Sunday, the mall was crowded. When the weather was poor, people flocked there in droves. Today was no exception. Fortunately, he hadn't run into anyone he knew. He hoped his luck would hold, but that would be a miracle. He could only pray he wasn't recognized. Tim had only arrived a few minutes ago but the strain, from being so nervous, was already getting to him. He had walked to the middle of the busy mall and found an empty bench outside of Maas Brothers, by the ice-skating rink. He sat to rest. His eyes scanned the people as they walked by, looking for any indication that a passer by saw through the disguise. The mental strain was exhausting. It had been three weeks ago today that his stepfather had come home early and surprised him. Tim was sitting on the couch watching television. Tim's family was not well off. His mother had to work to help his stepfather keep ahead of the bills. They had a small house in the poorer section of town. When they had scraped together the down payment several years ago, there wasn't much left over for new furniture. The house was a patchwork of odds and ends. He would never forget the feeling when his stepfather first saw him, the look on his face. He blew up at Tim. Tim was so ashamed of himself. His stepfather threw him out of the house on the spot. Tim froze when he walked in. Embarrassed almost to the point of tears, there was nothing he could say to the man. When he finally got tired of calling him every perverted name he could think of, his stepfather told him to get his things and get out. Tim was just thankful he didn't beat him and rushed to the bedroom, changed and, gathering everything of his that he could. He quickly skulked out of the house. Tim had been dressing up, secretly, in his older sister's clothes for years. On the rare occasions that he was home alone, Tim would dress up and go about his chores as normally as possible. He was sitting in the living room in one of his sister's dresses, with his sister's wig on and makeup as he ate his lunch, when his stepfather walked in and surprised him. There's had never been a close relationship. The man had always felt that the boy didn't like him that Tim came between him and his mother. Tim, in fact, didn't like him. He was not very good to his mother. He was the lord of the house and nothing any of them said mattered. His mother had to bow to his wishes. It frustrated Tim that his mother put up with it but he sort of understood. Tim's father had been her second try at marriage after her first husband had deserted her, right after Tim's half sister was born. Tim's Father had died in a car accident. His mother had gone to pieces for several years. When this man came along, she jumped into marriage with him. She never thought she'd get another chance and she didn't think twice when he proposed. Tim's half sister resented him. She was four years old when he was born and her new father and her mother seemed to forget about her, showering all their affection on their newborn son. Bridget felt unloved and unwanted. After Tim's father died, she regained her former standing with her mother, with Tim getting the leftovers of his mother's affections. Matters were made worse between Tim and Bridget when, because money was tight, they had to share a bedroom. Bridget hated that situation and never let him have a moment's peace at home. Tim had nearly given up hope before he found a cheap furnished apartment over a furniture store. It was a small corner apartment, just three rooms. The living room occupied the corner of the building with two windows on the street side and one facing the alley. The furniture consisted of a worn plaid couch and a battered old stuffed chair. His coffee table and end table were full of scratches. Tim was grateful that the TV worked at all. The kitchen was very small, there was hardly enough room to turn around in. The appliances all worked but they were chipped and rusted badly. A modest collection of pates, glasses and silverware hardly filled one cabinet. The entrance to the apartment, by way of a narrow stairway from the alley in the rear of the building, opened into the kitchen. His bedroom, about 12' by 10', was just slightly smaller than the living room. It contained an old metal frame bed, a double, with no headboard; a small beat up nightstand, a large low dresser and a small desk. The small, tiled bathroom had large chips off the porcelain washstand and bathtub. The toilet had stains that Tim had given up trying to scrub off. It wasn't easy to find an apartment when you are only fifteen. Tim was lucky that the man was willing to rent to him. Tim was fortunate to have a full time job but he still couldn't afford some of the things he would have liked to have; like a phone. He saved every dime he could for more important things. Between high school and work he had very little time for himself. Most nights he would come home between nine and ten and have to do homework. Collapsing in bed at midnight, totally drained, was not unusual. He had called his mother after a few days. He was careful to call when his stepfather wasn't supposed to be there. She didn't pretend to understand why he had done what he did. She was a God- fearing woman and what Tim had done was an affront to God. His mother didn't even want to talk about it. She warned him not to come near the house; his stepfather wanted nothing to do with him, ever again. He would have been furious if he knew they even talked on the phone. He was very strict in his handling of his stepchildren and his wife. The man ran the household and Tim's mother allowed it, she was afraid of losing the security he provided her and her remaining child. Tim, from outward appearances, was one of those unusual kids that most parents wished they could call their own. He tried to do well in school and he was highly thought of at work. Normally he got along well with his parents. He never got in trouble or messed with drugs. His mother always used to sing his praises to her friends. Tim had been working any kind of odd job he could, for years. He was saving to buy a car when he was old enough. Being kicked out was a blessing in a way. He was out from under his stepfather's strict rule and his sisters badgering. Tim had taken the few things he treasured with him, although he didn't intend to continue dressing up. He had some clothes he had bought, saying to the salesgirls that they were for his sister or his imaginary girlfriend. He was planning to throw them out but he couldn't bring himself to do it. The long wavy wig was from a catalog. He had sent a lock of his hair for them to match. It was one of his prized possessions. Tim had some makeup, but not much. He had used his sister's most of the time. He didn't know why or remember when the urge first struck him. He remembered way back when he was little, people always were mistaking him for a girl. He had a girl's pretty, slender face, big brown eyes and long thick lashes. His small nose turned up slightly and his smile was as pretty as any girl his age. His full, shaped lips were the envy of many of them. He'd go to bed at night praying that as he grew up, he would become more masculine in face and stature. After he began to dress up, he didn't pray as often. Tim had been letting his hair grow for about two and a half years. He would pull it all back and tie it in a flat knot, high on the back, for school. He wanted it to grow long, even knowing he could never style it like the girls his age did. Long hair represented something to Tim and he could get away with having it. It grew slowly and his stepfather and he were always battling about it being too long. He constantly wore his baseball cap to hide it. Tim didn't think he was gay. He had always liked girls and never really given a thought to being with a boy. When he was little, he had more girl friends than boy friends but that was only because the boys didn't accept him as readily, because of the way he looked and his small size. Peer pressure changed things, as he grew older his face and slender build began to cause him real problems. Some of the guys called him a sissy for no reason. He knew how to play ball and did all the other things boys his age normally enjoyed, when they let him join in. Tim was almost always the last one picked as the kids chose up sides for their games and it really hurt him deeply. Tim had only had two girlfriends as he grew up. One was very special to him and he was very serious about her. It didn't last very long. Peer pressure again, the girls would hear him called a sissy or they'd be with him and one of the school bullies would pick on him. It wasn't cool to go out with a guy that people called a sissy, no matter how nice he was. He spent most of his time alone, always the outsider. It was during one of those really depressing periods that he thought he would see what kind of girl he would make. It was a Saturday morning and he was home alone. His mother and stepfather were both working all day and his sister had just left for the beach. The day before, he'd been harassed again at school. He had just been standing out in the field, by the school, talking to one of the girls in his class, when three guys he knew came up to them, making wisecracks. "Who's the girl with you with Chrissy?" Tim knew what was coming next. He had heard it a hundred times before. "Oh, it's pretty little Timmy. You'd look much more natural in a dress Timmy." The girl had walked off with the boys, laughing. Tim was heartsick. Even the girls, who he felt closer to than the boys, laughed at him. He walked home with tears running down his face. His mother didn't understand, "It's just a stage, you'll outgrow it." His sister was no help at all. She teased him about his looks all the time. He absolutely couldn't talk to his stepfather. Tim had slept late that morning and when he finally got up, he had to step over Bridget's clothes to get to the bathroom. She had always been a slob when it came to picking up after herself but she had outdone herself lately. Even their bathroom was a mess, towels, clothes and her underwear all over the floor. Tim didn't make a habit of picking up after her but the mess really bothered him. He hung up the towels when he was finished going to the bathroom and carried her clothes back to their bedroom. What prompted him to do what he did next, he didn't know? He dropped the clothes on the floor with the rest of her things. A pair of her panties caught his eye. He picked them up, feeling the silky material. He was intrigued. After the years of harassing and teasing he wondered to himself. He took off his pajamas and stepped into her panties. They fit him perfectly and the silky material felt smooth against his skin. Tim knew what he was doing was wrong but he was fascinated. A bra lay on the pile of clothes and he picked it up. Putting it on was awkward but he managed to connect the two hooks in the back. It didn't look right as he stared at himself in Bridget's mirror. The cups of the bra lay flat and empty. He got out a pair of his white cotton socks from his dresser and put one in each side. That looked better. A thought came to mind. His sister, who had short blond hair, had once worn a brown wig for Halloween. He searched through her closet, finding it finally, up high on a shelf, in an old shoebox. Tim was careful to remember exactly where it had been, under several other boxes. Sitting at Bridget's dressing table, he tried it on. It took him a little while to adjust it but when he finally had it on right he agreed with the people who had teased him so much, he did look just like a girl. Tim was sitting there in the bra and panties and he thought, what the hell. He picked through the pile of clothes on the floor and found the black skirt and purple blouse his sister called her favorite. He and Bridget were close enough to the same height that the skirt, with its zipper in the back, came to just above his knees. Tim had always been slender and it fit his waist easily. It was actually a little big on him. He accidentally pulled the wig off when he pulled the blouse over his head. With the blouse tucked into the skirt, he sat and fixed the wig on his head again. At the full-length mirror on his sister's closet door, he scrutinized himself critically. Turning this way and that, he compared the way he looked to the girls he knew. "Not bad." He said out loud to himself, smiling at the girl that looked back at him from the mirror. Something was still missing. He found a pair on the floor. Tim took off the skirt and very carefully pulled on a pair of Bridget's pantyhose. If he snagged them, she might wonder what happened to them. He liked the way they felt against his skin as he walked around the bedroom and when he sat in the chair, crossing his legs. He didn't have to take off the skirt to pull on her short black slip. A pair of her short black heels were a little big on him. He stuffed the toes and then walked around the room. It was difficult at first but he got the hang of it before long. Tim tried on several of her outfits that morning, before he decided he better put everything away. He probably had several hours before Bridget would come home but he was really worried about getting caught. With everything back, exactly where he had found it, he got dressed and left the bedroom. He didn't even want to be in there when Bridget got home. It was fortunate for him that he did because she came home not more than a half hour later. She suspected nothing and Tim thanked God. He had taken a great risk and while it had been strangely exciting, he told himself he would never do that again. He would tell himself the same thing, every time, for the next few years. Once he did it and saw how natural he looked, he came back, time after time to experiment secretly. Each time he would swear to himself that he would never do it again. The anguish he would put himself through was horrible. Tim cried himself to sleep so many nights. The first time he found the courage to go out in public, dressed up, was a few days after he was thrown out of the house. The urge was so strong and it seemed so easy now, with no one to catch him. He was still in mortal fear that someone would see him and say, "Look at that, a boy dressed up as a girl." Some uncontrollable urge made him go out anyway. Tim still wore his wig, even though his own hair was well past his shoulders. His problem was that he had no idea how to style it and he was afraid to try. If it didn't look just right, he was sure it would give him away. Who could he go to, to learn? Tim walked around the block in a pair of tight jeans and a silk camp shirt. He had on his wig and a pair of low heels. He had spent several hours getting ready and an equal amount of time getting up his nerve to step out the door. He even waited until 10:00 at night to play it safe. When he got back, he fell down in the chair in the living room, exhausted from the tension he felt. Never again, he told himself. A familiar phrase to Tim. A couple nights later, about the same time, he extended his walk to three blocks. His heart stopped when he had to pass a woman walking her dog. She said hello to him, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Using the high voice he had practiced to perfect for endless hours, he returned her greeting, "Hello." Tim had gotten away with it so far and he was feeling just a bit of self- confidence. Busses were dimly lit at night. He had a bus stop on his corner. It took him downtown. All the stores had been closed for an hour and he figured he'd get right back on the next buss and go right back home. It worked fine. A couple people spoke to him and he answered them back. He even had a five-minute conversation with a lady on the bus with two kids. He had to think fast when she asked him his name. "Tammy," he told her. The trip did a lot for his confidence. Tim had taken a big chance when he mail-ordered his wig. If the mailman had delivered it when he wasn't there to receive it, he would have had a tough time explaining it to his mother and stepfather. His desire outweighed the danger. He had been using socks to stuff his bra ever since he had started dressing. Now that he was going out of the house he had called an order into Sears for a set of lifelike breasts, the kind that women who have mastectomies use. He wasn't there when they came to the apartment to make the delivery so they delivered them to the local store. The store called that night and asked for the lady, Mrs. T Brooks, who had ordered them. Tim collected his wits and in his female voice got back on the phone. "Hello." "Hello Mrs. Brooks. Your order came in today and it's here for you whenever you can get in to get it." The woman was very polite. Tim was thrilled. "I'll send my son in for it tomorrow. Thank you." "You're welcome Mrs. Brooks. Goodnight." Tim went to the mall right after work. He had to race to get home and then to work on time. He didn't even have the time to open the box and look. It drove him crazy until he got home. They were everything he hoped they would be. He tried them on and tried on three or four blouses to see how natural they looked with them. He was completely satisfied. They even moved when he did. They felt and looked wonderful. The pharmacy trip was his next adventure. He needed more cosmetics. He had no lipstick or lip liner. The foundation he had always used was his sisters' and it wasn't quite the right shade for him. Her blush had been the wrong shade too. He wanted perfume of his own. Tim already had eye shadows, eyeliner and mascara. Tim stood outside in the shadows for a long time. He wished he hadn't put on a skirt; it made him feel so vulnerable. It also made him look more feminine and he felt that the more like a girl he appeared, the less people would notice him. He was on the verge of turning around and walking home when a car pulled into the lot and shined his headlights on him. He felt conspicuous, just standing there. On just an impulse, he headed for the door to the pharmacy. Once committed, he didn't feel as though he could turn back. The salesgirl offered to help him but he thanked her saying, "I'm doing fine." Tim didn't even look up at her as he knelt before the display. He felt that somehow, eye contact would give him away. He breathed a sigh of relief when she walked away. He was sure he would sound strangely ignorant if he asked for her help. It took him a few minutes but he found what he wanted. He even bought a couple of pair of clip-on earrings. He had one pierced ear but there would be no way to explain to the kids at school why he had both ears pierced. None of the guys had both done. Tim knew his face must be bright red as he stood at the checkout. He felt as though his palms were dripping with sweat as the young girl rang up each item from his basket. The cashier was too busy looking at the stock number of each item to look at the girl on the other side of the counter. It wasn't until she finished and totaled it that she looked her in the eye. "Twenty-seven, ninety-three is the total." She announced to the girl. As she pulled her wallet out of her purse, the salesgirl couldn't help but notice how red she was. "Are you all right?" Tim wasn't surprised by the question. "I'm fine." He got out a ten and a twenty and handed it to her. "I ran across the parking lot, I thought you were about to close." It was all he could think of to say. That sounded reasonable to her. Giving her the change, she smiled at the customer. "Thanks, goodnight." Tim smiled back. "Goodnight." He wasted no time getting home. It was easier than he thought it would be and again, he received no strange looks, even in the bright lights of the store. Nothing went fast enough. School and work dragged. He couldn't wait to get home at night. Thursday was when he planned his boldest venture yet. It had to be a weeknight and Thursday was the only night he got off from work early enough. Tim was home by six. He was ready by seven thirty. Tim was too nervous to eat anything. He stood inside his front door in his denim skirt and jacket. He wore a white cotton, short-sleeved blouse underneath. He decided on sneakers and pale blue socks. He had picked up those big exercise socks that the girls push down and bunch up and he had laces to match. He took the laces out of his spotlessly white sneakers and replaced them with the blue ones. They looked enough like a girl's sneakers that way; he would make do until he could buy a real pair. He had his wallet in his denim purse that hung from the long strap over his shoulder. Tim's hand rested on the knob for five minutes before he got up the nerve to turn it. He knew that once he stepped outside he was committed. It was still light out and there would be people and children around as he walked to the bus stop. Tim felt fortunate that his door opened on an alley. Someone might see him but they wouldn't know what apartment he came out of. No one paid him any particular attention as he walked down the street to the corner. It was a warm October evening, but not so hot that it caused him to sweat. The perspiration he felt on his back was because he was nervous. He went to one of the smaller malls in the next town. The buss dropped him off right outside Gaffers department store. He summoned up all his courage and walked in as confident looking as she could manage. He knew that he would have to show confidence to get away with it. It wasn't easy to muster. The lingerie department was the scariest place to start and he decided if he could get away with it there, he could get away with it anywhere in the store. Besides, it was right by the exit. Tim was thankful that no sales girl rushed up to help him. He had a pretty good idea what he was after as he made his way between the racks. Betty saw the brown haired girl when she crossed the isle and started looking through the racks of pajamas. She was too busy at the register to leave it. She looked like she knew what she wanted; she walked right to the nightshirts. The girl that was working the department with her tonight, Karen, was on break and would be back in a few minutes. The girl would have to fend for herself till then. Tim found what he was looking for. It was a white satin nightshirt with tap pants. He guessed at a size small. With it over his arm he looked around. Underwear was next. Tim wove his way between racks toward the other side of the department. The panties were spread out on tables. He wanted a new bra too, so when he saw the sets of bras and panties, displayed on a rack nearby, he turned and went directly to them. He knew the sizes and it only took him a moment to pick out a white stretch bra, size 34B, and matching string bikinis, Size 6. Tim wanted more than one pair of panties so he went back to the display tables. He knew if he took too long to pick anything out, a salesgirl would see him and zero in. He quickly found the right size and picked out a pair of pink and another pair of white bikinis. Stockings were next, pantyhose. Here he was going to have trouble. Tim had no idea about sizes. He began reading the back of a package. He learned that the right size was based on height and weight. There was a different table on the back of each brand and he was confused. "Oh, Karen. I'm glad you're back." Betty was still busy at the register and now there were two women and the girl that looked like they needed help. Karen could see why. "Which one's first?" Karen asked Betty. Betty pointed, "The girl over by the pantyhose." Karen walked up behind her, not even thinking she might startle her, when she was only a few feet away, she said, "Hi, may I help you." Tim didn't hear her coming, he was surprised but he turned to her, still trying to look confident. In his well-practiced voice he said, "Hi. Yes, I've never bought this brand before and I'm not sure of the size. The package is confusing." Tim handed her the package. She didn't look at him funny when did. He picked up another package to look at, he didn't want to look her in the eye. Karen was used to the problem. Everyone had trouble with these size tables. "Okay, lets figure it out. What do you weigh?" Karen guessed at 115 to 120. "118." Tim answered. "And how tall are you?" 5'7" Karen judged. Maybe less, she has a lot of hair. "5'6"." Why was she looking at his hair? He had pinned his wig. It shouldn't have moved. He'd check in a mirror as soon as he could. Karen traced across the table on the back of the package and found her size. The package in her hand was it. "You're an 'average'. Is this the color you wanted? This is 'suntan'." "I need two pairs of taupe." Tim said courageously. Karen went directly to them. "There you are Miss, is there anything else I can help you with?" Karen handed them to her. She looked around and saw that one of the women had left. The other one was still browsing around. Tim had done fine so far. "I wanted to find a pair of white lace trimmed leggings." Karen thought to herself that will be easy. I already know her size. "Just follow me." She remarked in her bright and cheery manner as she made a bouncing turn and walked off. Tim did follow. He almost forgot to walk correctly. They passed a mirror on a column. His hair was fine. What was the girl looking at? Karen walked right to them. "Which length were you looking for? Short, Capri or ankle length?" "Ankle length, please." She was holding what he was looking for. "They come two pairs to a package, one white and one black." Karen raised an eyebrow as if to ask, okay? Tim wasn't about to argue. He figured most girls knew they were sold in twos. If he said he didn't want them, she might think he was strange. "That's great." He reached for the package. Karen, seeing that her hands were full, asked, "Why don't you let me take those things to the checkout for you?" Tim thought, okay. "Thanks." He handed everything to her and followed. Betty had just finished with her last customer when Karen approached the register. "Betty, would you ring these things up for the young lady?" Betty looked up and met the girl's eyes. She has the prettiest eyes, she thought to herself. "Sure Karen. How are you this evening?" Betty asked the girl. Tim would have been happier without the pleasantries. "Fine, thank you." The young woman picked up the sleep set. "This is lovely." She rang it up. She wouldn't be caught dead in the underwear the young girl picked out but then she wasn't a pretty young teenager anymore. The leggings found their way into the bag last. Tim stood impatiently waiting as she rung up his total. "That comes to forty-two dollars and fifty-five cents." Betty waited while the girl took out her wallet. Tim had expected it to be over fifty. "Great." He handed the woman the money. He put the change back in his wallet. Betty handed her the bag with her purchases. "Have a nice evening." "Thanks, you too." Tim was relieved to be getting out of there. He didn't realize it until it was too late that he would have to walk right by the other sales girl in order to leave the department. He would have picked a different route if he had noticed her behind the rack of bathrobes. Oh, to be young again. Betty thought to herself. The girl had the bounce of youth in her step. "Good night." Karen said to the girl with a smile as she passed. She thought to herself, it wasn't that long ago that I was a teenager. She envied the girl. "Good night, and thanks." Tim said pleasantly as he passed her. He breathed a sigh of relief when he was out of the department with his purchases. That wasn't so bad. What was next? He went over his mental shopping list. Tim headed for the junior's department. This time he would ask for help immediately when a girl showed up. He took a second to check his hair again in a mirror. He couldn't see anything wrong with it. It must have been his imagination, he decided. He skirted the department, looking for what he wanted. When he spotted the displays of shorts, he turned in, between the racks. There were several girls in the area but they were busy in their own search for what they wanted. He went directly to the rack of bicycle pants and as he expected, a salesgirl spotted him. Brandy spotted her first and took off to help her. Laura had beaten her to it twice tonight and they worked on commissions. "Hi, can I help you?" She looked like she knew what she wanted. Tim saw her coming. She was young, not much older than him. Was she more astute than the last two older women? She made Tim nervous. "I was just trying to find my size." He didn't pay much attention to her; he concentrated on finding the shorts in his size. He knew that he needed the same size as the panties he bought a few minutes ago. What bothered him was that the shorts were only marked small, medium or large. "You're definitely a small." Brandy told her. She was sure she already knew it but it never hurts to compliment a customer. Brandy grabbed a pair off the rack. "These would look fantastic on you with your coloring." The girl had beautiful brown hair, the bright floral ones would definitely be right for her. They were so bright and colorful. He had planned on buying a plain white pair but. "Okay, I'll take them." As nervous as he was, he was easily swayed. That was easy, thought Brandy. "You want the top too, don't you"? She won't give her a chance to think about it. "It's right here." She grabbed one from the size seven sections off the rack and showed her the red sleeveless crop top. "The red looks the best with that print." He hadn't planned on buying a top like that but it would look great with it. He had to worry about his money, there were a few other things he wanted too. "How much is it?" Brandy continued to bubble with enthusiasm, "If you buy it with the shorts it's only fourteen dollars." It would be tight but he could afford it. "I'll take it. I wanted to find a pair of plain white walking shorts, the kind with the cuffs and the high belted, paper bag waist." He had seen them in a catalog. Brandy had to think for a second. "We've got em." She said with a smile and turned and took off at a fast walk. Tim followed her. When she found them and held them up, they were exactly what he was looking for. "Perfect." There was no doubt that she wore a size seven, Brandy didn't even bother asking and the girl obviously trusted her. "What else can I show you?" This was too easy. "I'd like to find a top to go with the shorts?" The salesgirl dressed the way he wanted to look. Let her pick something out, he took a chance. Brandy was having fun. She liked customers like her. "I know the perfect blouse and it's on sale. I've been waiting to get it myself." She took off again. Tim thought she was funny and cute. She certainly had energy. He followed her again. The girl was well ahead of him. She held up a two-tone, blue chambray shirt with lace trim on the short sleeves. "Is this perfect or what?" She said with a big smile. Brandy loved it. Tim agreed. He nodded. "Great, I knew you'd love it." Brandy said, smiling. Tim was having trouble hanging on to everything. Brandy saw her struggling, "I'll take care of them for you." Tim was a little relieved. There was just one more outfit he wanted. He knew he shouldn't, but he really wanted a black spandex skirt and a top to go with it. He found the rack of skirts before the girl returned. "I'm going to take this and I want to get a blouse with it." Tim was becoming more and more relaxed. Brandy went crazy, "Please, please. I know just the top." Tim couldn't help but smile at her. "Okay, show me." The girl didn't go as far this time and the top she produced was again perfect. It was a pale pink cotton nylon blend with a lacy trim on the open neckline and short sleeves. Brandy didn't have to sell the girl, she could see it in her eyes. Tim knew he had to stop. He had allowed himself a little extra and he spent it. The girl took the skirt and blouse and Tim stopped to just glance at another blouse for a second. He walked up to the desk where the girl was standing and looked for his things. Brandy looked up, surprised to see the girl standing in front of her. "Oh, hi. I put everything in the third stall for you." She said smiling than turned back to what she had been doing. The third stall? Then it dawned on him. She expects me to try everything on. Tim stood there vacillating. He hadn't planned on that. He couldn't go into the girl's dressing room. Brandy looked up again and saw that she was still standing there. It dawned on her, "You don't know where the dressing rooms are. I'm so stupid, let me show you." They were around the corner and if she had never shopped here before, she couldn't know. There was no way out of it, he followed her into the dressing rooms, terrified. There were half a dozen girls in there trying things on. The stalls only had five-foot high walls with short curtains in front. What was he going to do? "I'll hang on to that for you." Brandy reached for her bag. "Oh, thanks." Tim gave it to her. She pulled the curtain closed when he numbly stepped in. "If you need any help just call me. I'm Brandy." The girl left him there. Tim adjusted the curtain. Brandy hadn't closed it all the way. Waist up, was all he could see of anyone. Except the girl in the next stall. Her, he could see all of. How was he going to take off his skirt and blouse here? Surely someone will notice that he's wearing falsies. If he takes off his skirt and the girl in the next stall should just happen to take a look, she'd get the shock of her life. It wasn't that he was well hung, he wasn't big at all, in fact, he felt it was embarrassingly small. But it did still bulge out the flimsy material of his panties. Tim couldn't just stand there forever. He turned away from the girl on the other side of the wall and dropped his skirt. He quickly pulled up the bicycle shorts tucking himself well between his legs. He pushed and pulled until his male member didn't show. Still facing away from everyone, he took off his blouse and put on the crop top. He quickly shifted and adjusted the forms in his bra. He was satisfied that he looked all right. The mirrors were the next problem. They were at either end of the dressing room, one by the entrance and one at the back wall. Tim chose the one at the back wall. There was only one girl between him and it, in a stall. There were four or five girls at the other end. He felt a little awkward as he walked toward the rear of the dressing room. He watched his reflection as he walked right up to the mirror. He liked what he saw, he was convincing. The outfit fit tight, just like it was supposed to, on a girl. He liked it. The bright print shorts with the red top looked terrific. "I told you." Her image in the mirror had blocked her view. Brandy had walked up right behind her. "You look good in that, you have the shape for it. A slim waist and slender hips." He didn't turn around. He could see her well enough in the mirror. Tim took a better look at himself. He agreed. "I do like it." "Great. Why don't you go try on the others?" She had other customers to tend to. Tim went back and, with the same care, put on the other two outfits and checked himself out in the mirror. The salesgirl didn't come back until he had finished putting his clothes back on. He was glad that was over. It didn't feel right being in here with all these girls half dressed. He was safe from discovery but he felt like a peeping tom. He handed one hundred and ten dollars to the girl at the desk. It was a lot to spend but it was worth it. Tim had one last stop to make. He stepped into the safety of the main aisle again. He was sure no salesgirl ever attacked a customer when they were in the main aisle. The shoe department was next. Tim stood in the aisle looking in. He had seen an ad in the paper for what he wanted. Two pair of flats for twenty dollars. He definitely needed flats. He had a pair of low white heels and the sneakers, but that was all. He had to have flats for the outfits he bought tonight. Tim spotted the shoes he was looking for and walked into the department, still unsure of himself but not nearly as nervous as he had been earlier. It was becoming less threatening. At least here he only had to take off his sneakers and socks. "May I help you Miss.?" She was cute. He wondered how old she was. She to be what... 17? That was old enough. He was only 19. The guy surprised Tim. He quickly collected his wits. This was really strange. He had worried about being able to fool the salesgirls, it never occurred to him that he'd have to deal with a guy. Tim stood by the sale display, "Do you have that white flat, the one with the bow, in a size eight." Tim pointed to the shoe he wanted. He was particularly careful with his voice and avoided looking directly at the guy. "I think so, let me go look. I'll be right back, don't go away." She had a sexy voice too. What the hell was that size she told me? I think she said a size eight but she looked more like a seven and a half, he thought to himself. Tim sat and took off his sneakers and socks while he waited. He remembered when he sat to keep his knees together and slide his feet back to one side when he sat down. He practiced a lot at home, he didn't have any trouble remembering now. Tim watched as the salesman came toward him, coming through the curtain from the back room. "I grabbed you a pair of peds, I thought you might need them." He sat in front of her on his little stool. Tim slipped on the little stocking feet. The tiny stockings wanted to slip off his feet. He quickly put his feet into the white shoes the young man set in front of him. He checked the sides and toe. Ha, he was right about the size. With a smile, he told the girl, "You have daintier feet than you thought. These are seven and a half's." He gave her his best smile. Tim couldn't help but smile back. It was an impulse. Was the guy flirting with him, Tim wondered? Impossible! The shoes were very comfortable. Tim was surprised that the smaller size fit but they felt good. He sat back down. "Would you bring me out a black pair, the ones with the little buckle, in the same size?" Tim had never received this kind of attention before, when shopping as a guy. It was nice in a way. "Sure, I'd be happy to." Nice legs he thought to himself as he headed into the stockroom again. The guy returned quickly. This time he took the girl's ankle and slid the shoes on her foot for her. He was flirting. Tim couldn't believe it. Did he look that good? Na. Tim took both pair of shoes. The guy continued to go out of his way to be friendly with Tim. He thought it was comical. That was it. He had gotten what he came for tonight and it went beautifully. He had almost stayed within his budget. Tim hurried outside. The buss was due, NOW. He caught it, luckily. He would have had to stand there and wait for an hour for the last one. There was no one around as he walked from the buss stop or when he opened the back door and went up the stairs to his dark apartment. He laid out his new things and looked them over again. He was really happy with them. He took off the tags as he hung each item up in his closet. One side was Tim's and the other was Tammy's. They shared the dresser too. Tim was exhausted. He undressed and removed his makeup and earrings. He cleansed and moisturized his face, as he had done every night for years now. He slept in his new nightshirt. He felt good about himself as he fell asleep. It was Friday and school was a bore, nobody did anything. The end of the day began a two-week holiday. Tim only had to work tonight and then he'd start his two-week vacation. He deserved it, he worked hard. It had been a year since he missed a day of work. The night dragged out. No one does grocery shopping on Friday night. Tim still didn't get home until ten and he was beat. Tim poured himself a soda and sat down to watch TV. He couldn't concentrate on anything. As wonderful as he had felt the night before, he felt sad and confused tonight. What he was doing was wrong. It served no purpose. He rationalized that it also did no harm but was that true? It had gotten him thrown out of the house with very clear instructions not to come back. He didn't know what drove him to dress up but he wanted to shake it off. He put everything away in a box that night, including the new things he had bought and his precious wig. He had every intention of throwing it out in the morning. He wouldn't, of course. It was a beautiful day. He went to the beach to get his mind off his worries. He took the buss. Most kids his age had friends that drove, not Tim. His looks had been responsible for his difficulty with making friends easily too. He lay there most of the day, he read and sat and watched other people have a good time. Tim took care of himself, he used sunscreen. The one thing he had learned was to take care of his skin and that he would never give up. He laid there thinking, why did he have to give up what he enjoyed? Nobody gave a damn about him. No one cared what he did or didn't do so why should he stop doing the one thing that gave him so much pleasure? Tim would have to stop one day, he knew that in his heart. He would find a girl, a girl that really cared about him and he would put away these desires. Until that day, why stop? His emotions were in turmoil. Storm clouds rolled in about 4:00 and Tim packed it up. He caught the buss home. Back in his sanctuary, he unpacked the box and returned all of Tammy's things to their places. He ironed the things he had wrinkled. He could throw them out another day. He felt better but he didn't dress up that night. He went to the mall as himself. That was where the kids from school hung out on weekends. Maybe tonight would be the night he would make a new friend. Maybe he might even meet a girl. Tim grabbed a bite at the food court. He saw some people from school but they only acknowledged him, they didn't invite him to join them. Tim walked the mall. He passed more kids he knew. Most said hi, but when they'd pass, when they thought he was out of earshot, he'd hear snickering. After about an hour he gave up and went to the movies, alone. It was far from the first time he'd been hurt and disappointed. He got home about eleven thirty. Even the movie didn't help him take his mind off how he felt. It was another of those nights when he cried himself to sleep. The sky promised rain when he got up late Sunday morning. Tim read the paper. He particularly enjoyed the circulars. He would check out all the sales of Junior's clothes. He sat there daydreaming; he had really enjoyed shopping Thursday night. He had forgotten the scary moments already. "Oh, the hell with it, I'm going." He knew there would be kids from school there but he didn't care anymore. Who would recognize him if he did run into someone? No one! It didn't take him long to get ready. He had used the lotion earlier in the week, to get rid of the fine hair on his legs and his underarms. He wasn't shaving yet so all he had to do was put on his makeup, his wig and get dressed. Tim had been saving his money since he could remember. He could easily blow his entire last paycheck to make himself feel good. He had almost two hundred and fifty dollars in his purse. He could pick up a dozen outfits, if he watched the sales. The only thing that stopped him from buying many of the things he wanted was his fear of those dressing rooms. He knew now that there wasn't so much to be afraid of. As Tim had so often, he wondered what it was that drove him to do what he did. He used to be content to just dress up at home but that had changed as he learned he was accepted as a girl by the people he encountered. Was it the risks he was now taking that made it so exciting, so compelling? Tim finished off his soda and took a deep breath. He stood up. Enough stalling, he thought to himself. He really liked the white shorts and light blue blouse; it looked good on him. He had on his new underwear; even his new shoes. He slung his purse over his shoulder and started for J C Penny's. They had the best sales he had seen in the paper that morning. He was constantly aware of his movements, the way he walked and carried himself. Pam, Nancy and her friends were bored to death. They didn't have any money to go shopping and their boyfriends were all playing football at the high school. The girls had been window-shopping, but even that gets old when you have no money. The others wanted to go to the movies but Nancy and Pam were really broke. They were sitting on the outer edge of the food court, near the main mall. Nancy was very pretty, with big brown eyes and a little pixie nose. Her smile made people take an instant liking to her. Her long, light brown hair was teased up on top and streaked with blond highlights. Pam was a natural blonde with deep blue eyes that were hard for the boys to look away from. She had the whitest, straightest teeth of anyone in school. She looked like she just stepped off the cover of a modeling magazine. They used to kid her that her father, a plastic surgeon, had done a wonderful job on her. "Go ahead," Nancy told the others. "We'll be here." Pam was going to hang around with Nancy. Neither of them wanted to admit to the others that they didn't even have enough money for the movies. Some of their friends were working in the mall; they'd go pester them when they finished their sodas. Their friends took off. Their group was very popular in school. Nancy was the youngest one Pam had ever accepted in her click. These were the cheerleaders and the glamour types. Nancy lost a lot of her old friends when she started hanging around with them almost a year ago but that was in the past and she was happy to be one of them now. What you wore and who you went out with was very important to them. She made a lot of changes in her life to fit in and she was happy. Pam was their leader and she took the responsibility seriously. Lots of girls wanted to join her little group but only a few were good enough. Most who tried were either too immature or they weren't pretty enough. She wasn't about to be seen with geeks. Nancy had been her creation; she brought her into the group. It hadn't been easy to shape and mold her. Her friends, at the beginning of freshman year, were definitely beneath her. And her clothes, the way she dressed, was too too tacky. But she was anxious and willing to change so Pam had taken a chance on her. She turned out all right. They were good friends now. It was even easier this time. Maybe it was that he was more confident. Without the help of a salesgirl, Tim found a blue sleeveless knit dress with white polka dots. He found it on the clearance rack. On the same rack was a gray pleated skirt. Together they were only twenty-two dollars. The white crepe "T", to go with the skirt, was only ten dollars on sale. He found a shorts outfit that looked good on him. The top was a ten-button Henley print that went with a short pair of cuffed pale pink shorts. The set was only twenty-five dollars. Tim was much more at ease in Penny's dressing room. The walls were high and they had doors. They even had mirrors inside the stalls. It wasn't bad at all. No one gave him a second glance as he entered, except the salesgirl that counted the articles he took in with him. He bought sneakers for only twenty and a pair of 2" black leather pumps on sale for twenty-six. Tim was thrilled. He had three more outfits and shoes for only about one hundred and ten dollars. He had another hundred and forty he could blow. He left Penny's and walked past the food, giving it a wide berth, on his way to Lerners. At Lerners, he found the white bicycle pants he had looked for the other night. They were on sale for twelve dollars. He also found an oversized top, a blue and white rugby strip with long sleeves. He could wear it over his leggings or with his jeans or his denim skirt. It was only ten dollars. Hair accessories were on sale. Tim picked out a white bow. He didn't know how he was going to use it with his wig, but he wanted it anyway. It was pretty. Nancy just happened to be looking in that direction when she saw the girl come out of Lerners. If it hadn't been for the two big bags, she probably wouldn't have noticed. "Who's that?" She asked Pam. The girl was walking away from them now. "I don't know, I can't see her face." Pam dismissed it and turned away. It bothered Nancy. For just a split second she had seen her face and she looked familiar. Nancy watched her walk into the Limited. She let it go. Tim had seen the sale ad for a white denim mini skirt at the Limited. They had his size but only with an elasticized paper bag waist. He took it for eighteen dollars. They also had two for one, pocket crew neck tees. He picked out one in red and a turquoise one for ten dollars. They had a necklace and earring set on sale for fifteen dollars. The earrings were convertible; they could be either clip-on or pierced. Denim Den had jeans on sale for twenty-two dollars. That was his next stop. No one had the slightest inkling that he wasn't what he appeared to be. He wasn't nearly as nervous any more. The knot in his stomach was loosening. Pam was tired of sitting. "Let's walk." Nancy was agreeable. As they were approaching the Limited, the girl she had noticed earlier came out and turned in front of them, walking away. She was about twenty feet away when Nancy saw her again. She tugged on Pam's sleeve. "There she is again." "Who?" What was Nancy's problem? "That girl, she's right in front of us with all the bags. The one with the brown hair." It really bothered her. "I still can't see her face. What's your problem? It's just some girl." Pam had better things to think about. She had spotted John, her old boyfriend, walking toward them with Debra, his latest. Nancy was still fixed on the girl. "Let's catch up to her, I swear I know her from somewhere." "Not now Nancy. You go ahead if you want but I'm staying here. John and Debra are coming and I have something to say to her." Pam had really liked John and she blamed Debra for their break up. She was going to get a piece of her mind. The girl was getting farther and farther away. The hell with it, Nancy thought to herself. So what if I know her or not. She sat next to Pam to wait for her ex and his 'new woman'. Pam was probably going to blast her. It was a good thing they were stretch jeans. They were even tighter than his other pair but they looked terrific on him. A guy even made a comment as he stood in front of the mirror. Tim turned and smiled at him before he realized what he was doing. Tim turned back to the mirror quickly, embarrassed. Maas Brothers had a dress. The second he saw it he had to have it. It was a two-piece outfit a garden floral print on a black background. It had a fitted cropped jacket with lightly padded shoulders. The yoked skirt had three tiers of ruffles and a back zipper. This was the fourth time today he had tried on clothes and he was careful in the dressing rooms to take a stall far away from everyone else. The salesgirl, a woman about 30, thought it looked absolutely charming on the girl. She told her, "You'll just have to get a pair of black stockings to wear with that dress. Do you have a slip for it or will you need one?" Tim didn't need much convincing. "I'll need both, you're right." He didn't need to try on the slip. The woman was really friendly and Tim liked her. She was very outgoing and could tell that Tim was excited about the dress. Her enthusiasm was infectious and Tim couldn't help but to reflect her high spirits. He had spent a total of two hundred and forty-five dollars and decided it was time to quit. He looked at his watch. There was almost forty minutes before the bus was due. He'd walk slowly back through the mall and just window shop. Pam embarrassed Nancy. Debra deserved the blasting, but the middle of the mall was not the place for a screaming contest. John had just walked away when Pam started getting loud. Nancy just stood back a few feet and tried not to look as if she were with Pam. Tim was pretty well weighed down by now. The dresses were both on hangers and he was juggling the four packages in his hands. He just glanced in the window as he walked by. There it was on the mannequin, the prettiest, sheerest, most delicate teddy he had ever seen. It drew him into Victoria's Secret like a magnet. Nancy spotted her as she turned into Victoria's Secret. "There she is again. I just have to get a good look at her." "If you must, but lets try not to look too obvious, just in case she isn't who you think she is. Come on, we'll just sit over there and you can see her as she leaves the store." They sat on a bench and Pam lit up. They weren't too obvious and they didn't think the girl would notice them watching with the big plant partially in the way. "May I help you?" Pat thought to herself, seeing all the packages, she's had quite a day shopping. Tim had seen her coming and was ready. "There's a teddy in your window, the one on the mannequin." "It's really beautiful, Do you want to try it on?" Pat knew the one she was referring to, she had put that one out there herself and really liked it. She looked at the girl and guessed at a small. "Yes, please." Tim replied with a smile. "You would take a small?" She knew she would. "Yes, I think so." It was so easy now. He really was enjoying himself. All the sales people were so friendly and they accepted him as a girl without a sideward glance. Pat went and got it for her. "Come with me and we'll find you an empty dressing room." Tim had been sure that, in this kind of store, the dressing rooms would be private enough to try the skimpy lingerie on. He was relieved when he learned that he was right. "I'll hold your packages at the desk for you." They weren't allowed to let customers in the dressing room with their packages. "Thanks, they are getting heavy." It was a relief. "I'll be right outside when you're done." Pat was sure she had a sale. Tim loved the way it looked and felt on him. He didn't fill it out the way it was made to be, but that was okay. He was bothered by the price tag. It was thirty dollars. After debating with himself for a moment, Tim decided that he had the money and it made him feel good. He would take it. He handed it to the girl and she rung it up. Tim had just enough cash to cover it. "It really is pretty. You'll enjoy it. Have a nice day." She really looked happy with it. She wished she had the money to buy it. Pat handed her the packages she had been holding for her at the counter. He would enjoy it, even if he was the only person who would ever see it on him. But that didn't matter. It was so pretty and so delicate. Tim took his things. It took him a moment to get comfortable so he wouldn't lose anything. He was very happy. "Thanks a lot. You have a nice day too." That was definitely it. He had no cash left except for bus fare. He started out of the busy store, squeezing past the other customers. Tim's heart skipped a beat. He stopped in his tracks about twenty feet from the front of the shop and turned away from the entrance. He saw Nancy and her friend on a bench just outside the store. What was he going to do? Surely Nancy would recognize him. She had been the one girl he had been really serious about a few years ago. They had been very close before she gave in to the peer pressure from her girlfriends and dumped him. He had cared about her, a lot. Tim couldn't just stand there forever and it didn't look as if they were about to leave any time soon. He was far enough back in the store that they probably wouldn't notice him. He tried to collect himself for the umpteenth time that day but he couldn't stop himself from shaking. "Was there something else you wanted to see?" Pat had noticed her from the desk. Maybe she wanted something else? Tim was startled by the salesgirl. "No, thanks. I was just looking around." Could she see him shaking? "Okay, have a nice day." Oh well. It was worth a try. Pat walked back to the desk. Tim knew he had to leave now. He held his head up and tried to look as though he were in control. It was not how he felt on the inside. He started walking, not letting his eyes drift in Nancy's direction. The last thing he wanted was eye contact with her. He made a sharp right outside the store and, in a pace that wouldn't draw attention, headed toward the food court and his exit. Nancy saw her coming, at last. While she was still pretty far away, she saw that she had even more bags that when she had seen her earlier. As she got closer, Nancy studied her face. She definitely knew her but she couldn't think from where. The girl turned to her right and slowly walked away from them. "Well, was she someone you know?" Pam had looked but didn't recognize her. She was done with her cigarette. "Can we go now? We should get up to the food court to meet the others." Pam was tired of sitting there. It was boring. "I swear I know her from someplace but I can't remember where." It was really bothering her. They got up and started walking. The girl was only about twenty feet in front of them, walking along at an easy pace. Something drew Nancy's eyes to the girl's legs. There was an odd little birthmark right behind her left knee. It hit Nancy like a ton of bricks. She grabbed Pam's arm and stopped them both. Nancy's hand covered her mouth in shock. "What's wrong?" Pam asked. She looked like she'd seen a ghost. Nancy turned to Pam. "I know who that girl is." She couldn't believe what she saw. "Who is she?" Why the melodramatics, Pam wondered. Nancy started walking fast, pulling her friend along with her. "That 'girl' is not a girl. That 'girl' is Tim Hynes." She wanted to catch up to him. "You're kidding!" She was shocked. "Isn't that the kid in your grade that you went out with once?" Pam knew Nancy wasn't kidding. She thought back to the face she had seen and knew that Nancy was right. "Yes, I can't believe it. Did you get a good look at him just then? He was as natural looking as any girl as I've ever seen. He was actually pretty." Nancy remembered how Tim was always being teased about how much he looked like a girl. She could hardly believe what she was seeing. "We've got to catch up to him. This could be fun." Pam's mind was racing. He really was attractive. If Nancy hadn't told her who he was she would never have known in a million years that he wasn't a girl. There were a number of ways they could have fun with him. Nancy only hesitated for a second. She knew she had to go along with whatever Pam wanted to do. That was okay, she supposed. She almost wished she hadn't told Pam. It was too late now. They got up really close by the time he reached the food court. Pam was the first one to say anything as they waked up on either side of him. Nancy on his left and Pam on his right. He prayed they didn't notice him. It was hard to walk slow, he wanted to run. Not just to the buss but all the way home and slam and lock his apartment door and get out of these clothes as fast as possible. He didn't dare look back in case they were behind him. Tim felt someone passing him on his left. No, on both sides. He must be walking too slow. He should speed up. "Hi Timmy." Pam said melodiously when she was right beside him. Nancy chimed in from his other side. "Hello Timmy. You look particularly lovely today." Was he crazy, dressing up this way, she thought to herself? Oh God! Should he run? Should he stop and try to explain? To these two, not a chance of them understanding. Tim stopped and looked straight ahead, his heart in his throat. He couldn't say a word. Nancy and Pam each took an arm. Pam steered him toward the food court. "Why don't we go get a drink together Timmy?" Pam's accent, like before, was on the "Timmy." "Yes. That's a wonderful idea. You must be so thirsty after all the shopping you've been doing." Nancy couldn't get over how he looked, even close up. He was even wearing makeup. Did he have a choice, he asked himself? God, he wished he could just run away. He turned and looked at Nancy. He didn't like the look on her face. "Please, just let me go. I just want to leave." Tim whispered in his normal voice. Pam answered before Nancy could speak. "But Timmy, we just thought we'd have a little talk, you know, just girl talk." There was no way he was going to get away from her. They were going to have some fun. What was in Nancy's expression was contempt. How could he make such a fool of himself? Pam was right, they should have some fun with him. The others would be back from the movies in a few minutes and they just had to see him. "Timmy, if you are a good girl and come with us, we won't pull off that lovely wig and show everyone in the mall that you're really a boy. Now, you would like that drink, wouldn't you?" Nancy whispered in his ear. Pam was close enough to hear and thought what Nancy told him was just delightful. Not that. God, please not that. "Yes." He wanted to die, to just crawl in a hole and die. He let them lead him to a table. "That's a good girl." Nancy said, smiling. Nancy only got them one soda as Pam kept him company. That's all they could afford. They made him sit at 'their' table. The one their group always used when they came to the mall. The girls gave him a close examination. They hadn't paid him much attention in a very long time. He really was skinny and shapely. Pam wanted to know, "Are your boobs real?" She was kidding. She really didn't think they were but they looked very natural on him. Tim didn't answer. He didn't even look at them, he stared down at the table, too ashamed to look at either of them. When he didn't answer, Pam got angry. What right did this freaky little pervert have ignoring me? She poked him in his right breast. It felt real. "You better answer me when I talk to you little girl." Nancy knew Pam would humiliate him right in front of everyone and she also knew it would be mortifying for them too. "You better do as she says." Nancy looked at Pam. "Be careful, you don't want to embarrass us at the same time." Nancy was right. She'd keep her voice down. "So you like dressing up as a girl. Do you like boys too?" Tim only had a one word answer for her. "No." He knew there was nothing he could say to them that they wouldn't make fun of him about. Maybe they'd get tired of him and let him go, he prayed they would. "Who's your friend?" Sue asked as she walked up to Pam and Nancy. Sue was a little annoyed tha