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Dream Weaver 2: Looking Through The Forest For A Single Tree free porn video
Thanks to Persephone for his help in editing and suggestions
to make the story easier to read.
This is a work of fiction, that's why it's being placed on
FM'S web site, however, if any of this sounds familiar it's
because as Transsexual women we will travel this journey in
a number of interesting and unusual ways.
Recently on the FM hyperboard there has been considerable
discussion on the topic of dreams and how they play out in
our journey. This is just one such accounting.
When I first realized that Deanna existed and accepted that
existence I began a life long desire/quest/search/ and
examination as to what that female form of "me" would be
like.
One of the great lessons of life I've learned is that
sometimes the more we search for something the more obvious
it is that it exists before our very eyes without ever
knowing it. Throughout life we see a vast forest containing
our hopes and dreams, our obsessions and passions, our
acceptance and denials, but fail to see that tree which
anchors and holds the truth.
This is a very short story of that revelation.
Dream Weaver 2: Looking Through the Forest for a Single Tree
Deanna Lea (c) 2002
Summer 1993
My therapist asked me the other day if I had ever thought
about what I would look like if and when I complete my
transition. I knew instinctively what she was shooting for
but I decided to play her little game, after all I was the
one paying by the hour.
"My goodness let me see, I'd weigh no more than 105 pounds,
have long flowing red hair, have C-cup or larger boobs and
yes, I'd look good in any fashion." After saying that I
broke out in hysterics.
"What are you laughing about?" Ms. Bloom asked.
"When I was 18 years old, and if I'd have had my change by
then I'd look like an 18 year old girl that needs to be on
a diet, starting yesterday." I went on to explain to her
that I had no illusions about my appearance. "I've always
been a big girl, I love being a big girl, and that's what
I'll always be."
In short I embrace that part of me that states
unequivocally, 'I'm a woman who loves each and every part
of my life.' I don't want to be on the cover of Vogue or
Cosmopolitan, I don't expect to be swooped off my feet by
some virile, healthy specimen of male, not that I'd
complain if it happened, but I'm not going to lose sleep
over it if it does not happen.
After a few moments of silence Ms. Bloom asked about my
initial response to beginning hormone treatment. I told her
that it was still too soon to tell since I'd only started a
week earlier but I was optimistic about future changes.
I was feeling a bit short changed about this session
because she seemed to be spending more time writing things
down then asking questions. That bothered me.
We ended our session with a customary hug and scheduling of
the next appointment but she had opened a door that I
hadn't given a lot of thought to and that had to do with
the question: Would I recognize Deanna if I saw her walking
down the street?
One of the great things about living in the Portland area
is that it doesn't take long to be in the country and I
looked forward to my drive back to the little town in
Clackamas County that I called home. Actually I shared this
rather well kept older manufactured home with a good friend
that works out of town and doesn't come home until the
weekend.
I was also on vacation that week with no place in
particular to go so I decided that I would spend a little
time investigating what Deanna would look like if I saw her
in the mall or at the theater or where ever.
It's very important at this point to state that when I see
my therapist, she hates it when I call her a "shrink," that
I present myself as Deanna, and that when Deanna comes
downtown, Deanna is dressed properly. Sharp suit, hair
styled, nails perfect, and looking like I'd just come from
Nordstrom's with no flaws. After negotiating a few changes
it was agreed that I could come to session with the latest
off the rack from Lane Bryant or perhaps one of the more
up-scale resale shops. A girl does have a budget to
maintain. The thing that was not acceptable with Dr. Bloom
was coming to our meetings dressed as if I'd just milked
the cows or mowed the lawn.
Me thinks the poor Doc doth not live in the real world.
I have always been a student of meditation and felt that if
I could allow myself to go deep, very deep down into a
state of meditation with enough focus, and searching that I
would find that person which I sought to be. The following
is what I discovered.
I disconnected the phone line to insure no interruptions. I
kept the door open because there was no air conditioning in
this place and I needed some sort of airflow through the
house. No stereo or television, I did all I could to block
as many obstructions as possible.
The closest thing to outside noise was the sound of birds
chirping in the tree outside my house. Fortunately our
house was at the end of the road, a good quarter mile from
the highway, which helped in keeping road noise to a
minimum.
I lay on my back on my large over stuffed couch, closed my
eyes and then I did something I've never done before as I
slowly moved into this 'other place.' I asked for a guide
to take me as far as possible.
The wonderful thing about allowing yourself to move to
places never before seen is that you open up possibilities
that lie in the deepest recesses of your mind, and you get
to see the things you most desire. In my case it was to
discover a part of my being that was first revealed to me
some thirty years earlier. It's funny; I'd always accepted
the existence of this female form of me, but never
consciously looked for an image, that is until now.
When you enter a deep state of meditation you give over all
thoughts about fleshly things like hunger, thirst, or even
the time of day, you simply give yourself over to the
channeling of your mind and soul.
I've always been 'big boned' wearing plus size clothes and
most of all have always thought of myself being a very
feminine male. That aspect has always been the easiest for
me to accept, yet, kept me vulnerable for the lifelong
branding of me as 'a very fem fag' as some use to say. That
being said I knew that by winding my way through the
channels and by-ways of my mind I would eventually be able
to see how I really looked once the meeting took place.
Not too long into the journey after requesting a guide, I
waited for it's appearance I continued to go deeper and
deeper. Before long a vision appeared before my eyes.
It's hard to describe the image I saw before me. My guide
appeared to be without gender, slim, but the dark blue,
deep-set eyes had seen much, and traveled far through life.
My guide was adorned with long flowing hair to the waist
that was the brightest silver I'd ever seen. Wearing a long
white gown stopping just above the feet and wearing
official guide like open toed slippers with straps. My
newly found fellow traveler had such an easy manner, not
too rushed, not too take charge, just enough of control
that it became obvious at least to me that my guide, who
remained nameless knew exactly where to take me.
I asked the visitor: "Who are you?"
The reply was short and crisp, "You asked for a guide, here
I am." The image then went on to say this is going to take
some time, better take my hand and without another word my
hands were clasped in his.
Our journey seemed to take twists and turns filled with
glimpses of the past that revisited places I'd lived,
people I'd known, and even decisions I'd made about my life
replayed.
We chatted along the way, friendly banter like:
"How long have you been a guide?
"Three thousand years give or take."
"How do you know where to go?"
"That's why I'm a guide and you're a seeker."
"What's your secret to staying so slim?"
For some reason that question wasn't answered because we
reached a certain point when my guide said, "This is where
I leave you, just keep going you're almost there, don't
stop." and his words slowly faded from my conscious as I
entered another space.
It seems as if I'd been here before, I just couldn't
remember when.
I stood at what appeared to be the edge of a cliff looking
out over a valley and some distance off was an image, an
image that seemed vaguely familiar, I just couldn't put my
fingers on it.
We seemed to move towards each other until we stood face to
face. There she stood; we were face to face and for what
seemed a long time we just stared at each other.
Finally, breaking the silence she said in such a soft but
welcoming tone, "Hi stranger, it's been a long time."
I was too weak in the knee's to respond, overwhelmed at
being at this spot, and realizing that if I didn't say
something soon, this may fade away as quickly as it
appeared.
I summoned the courage to say, "Hi, yes it has been a long
time, you look great!"
There she stood or was it me? Yes! It was I. we moved
closer then embraced, but it was more than an embrace, it
was like the merging of two bodies to become one spirit.
Serenity is not a word I use often but it's what I felt at
that time. At that moment I was washed in a pool of a
calming, relaxing, unmolested moment of peace that I wanted
to hold on to for the rest of my life. We sat at the edge
of a stream and decided to talk.
Deanna is as tall as I am; she is big boned like me, yet
her soft feminine features have matured over the years.
Soft supple skin from head to toe, Deanna still has blond
full- bodied hair shaded with tinges of gray that falls off
her shoulders, just like me.
Deanna was the first to begin the conversation. "Remember
when we first met?"
"Yes." I said. "Spring 1962, Laguna Beach, California, out
on a rock watching the waves come and go. It was one of
those rare days when I had that spot of beach to myself,
and I asked myself a question."
"What was the question?" she asked
"I asked what was I going to do with my life? Where would I
go? What would I do? And then I asked: What should I do
about this internal struggle about who I was? That's when
you popped in."
"Yes, that's when I said why don't you ask Deanna?"
As we relived the past talking about the fact that perhaps
if I had moved to San Francisco instead of going to Chicago
I may have sped up the process of transitioning but I
wouldn't have enjoyed the other things that going to
Chicago provided. It was in Chicago that I married, had
children, and a career, but continually fought the dilemma
of my other life.
Deanna cautioned me stating that my journey was not over
and that it would take a lifetime. A lifetime filled with
real and rich experiences. She reminded me that there would
also be heartache, and doubt. I would find rejection from
those that loved me, and that it would be my own determined
spirit that would ultimately reap the reward of total self-
acceptance.
It was at that moment that I knew Deanna was real but that
it would take a long time for the two spirits to become
one.
We talked for a long time about a number of issues, some
important at the time, some not important any longer.
Then after a period of brief silence Deanna looked at me
and said the words that I knew she would say, and they
were, "Anytime you're ready to find the tree that stands
alone in the mighty forest, I'll be waiting."
Finally the thought occurred to me that for all the years
I'd searched for the truth about Deanna, the truth was
always right in front of me, I'd been looking in all the
wrong places.
With that we stood, she in her sweet summer dress, flowing
blond hair, smiling face, me knowing that after all these
years the single truth I'd known about myself had been
validated. We hugged and agreed we wouldn't be strangers.
I came slowly out of the state of meditation, not moving
quickly, but felt a keen sense of exhaustion, thirst and
satisfaction.
Epilogue:
Since that day nine years ago there have been changes. I've
gone up two dress sizes then down three. I've had the joy
of living part-time as Deanna on the physical realm, and
continue to live full-time in the spiritual. I have
experienced rejection from family members, and I know that
what Dr. Bloom believes or writes in her notes about my
visits really doesn't amount to what I believe about
myself, and that is that Deanna is one hell of a woman.
Deanna Lea
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