Surviving 3Chapter 27 Peace
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This Story is likely to offend the intolerant. For them i have no
pity. For those that read this and are saddened, i am Truly sorry.
Say Your Peace
By Lucretia
The day was a hot one as i drove up to my mothers house. i had thought
of the moment that would come for so short a time, but i realized i
needed it. i had thought of it clearly. But something had happened when
i visualized it. i had seen how much pain i would be causing, and my
thoughts and words had become obscured by guilt. So i forced myself
to remember what i was, and why i needed this so badly. i drank the
last of the Mountain Dew that i had in the bottle. i would need it.
i drove up the hill, my mind clear at last. i saw some children playing
in a house across the street and thought about how if i could only turn
back time, to be then what i was now. My own transition was only
beginning, and i was sure there would be many hardships ahead, but
before i could go ahead, i needed to step back a little.
i pulled into my mothers house and sat back, sunglasses shielding my
eyes from the glare of the sun and waited. She had called me up to do
some minor repair work, and that was a part of it. This part had come
first. i then had planned sadistically, hating myself for doing so,
but doing it because i needed to get it out all at once. She had hurt
me on different occasions, and i had been unaware of the damage until
years later. Many years later.
All systems ready, i thought. My love of computers had aided me in much
of my pain. First, they had given my pain a way to work itself out,
to build them and fix them. Second, They had connected me, after the
internet was born. i read many stories, but i had always felt alone,
alone because i had never read one like mine. It was at this doubt that
i stopped completely.
But i resumed, writing fictional tales until i had come upon perhaps
my best. In this, my female identity came out again, and my heart had
happiness. i began to love my female identity again. i had cried not
knowing exactly why, but in crying i had discovered that expression
was no loner alien to me. It had felt wonderful. Soon after, i found
my mannerisms changing, and every time i realized i was doing one,
i felt a great sense of peace with myself.
But one day after coming home from my job i had gone to sleep thinking
of my story, i awoke after only a few hours of sleep. i suddenly knew
there was no way i could go on with the story without the moment
i was about to have. At this, i was saddened but determined.
i took one sigh of peace, and got out of my car. She was inside,
and it was time for my heart to remove a thorn. A thorn that had
cased me so much pain. All systems ready, i thought again, and reminded
myself of why i had authored this moment. i swept my hair behind me,
loving the feeling of my fingers on my ears and then on my long hair.
She probably thinks i still have long hair because i love all those
big hair bands, i thought. But it didn't matter. i opened the door and
walked up the stairs into the kitchen. She came into the kitchen and
we said out greetings. Now, i thought sweetly. i ran my plan though
my head one last time. Not a script, but more of an algorithm. We
hugged as we usually did, but to me it felt cold, just a ritual.
"Hey Ma, you got something to drink?" i asked, and suddenly i was
nervous with guilt again. Cig, i thought. Have a smoke. i lit one up
as she told me there was some soda in the fridge. i got the bottle out
of the fridge and a glass out of the cabinet. She sat down at the table
as i walked back with my glass of soda. i brought out the baggie of
pills from my pocket and swallowed them with the soda. All systems
ready, i thought again.
"What are those?" she asked in her sweet voice. My mind was suddenly
confused with guilt. The thorn in my heart was the source, sending
its poisonous guilty confusion into me. i remembered the metal song
that had helped my author this moment. i remembered the lyric.
'Don't let him suck off your power
Throw the key, Throw The Key, THROW THE KEY!'
The words were not exactly germane to the situation, but the
thundering encouragement in the singers voice cleared my mind enough
to continue.
"Just some meds, Ma" i saw her face change. Did she understand? i didn't
know and it also didn't matter. i waited for her to ask the question,
the key that would unlock what i had ready,
"So what's been going on?" Here it was, the key in the lock, tumblers
turning.
"Nothin' much. Hey, could you promise to hear me out, not saying
anything until i say 'i'm done'?" i used all my male mannerisms to
suggest that i was going to tell her a surprise. Not a bad one, though.
She had to be as unprepared as i was on those moments when i had been
hurt and didn't know it. Go weapon systems arm, i thought.
She looked confused. Did she understand yet?, i thought. Once again,
i didn't know and it didn't matter. If she knew what it was and spoke
of it, i would still dish it out. "Okay." She said. Go weapons systems hot,
i thought. i wanted to close my eyes, to see nothing. But that might
tell her, and give her the armor i never had in those moments. i left
them open.
"Remember when i wrote you that note that morning? i was too scared and
ashamed to tell you directly, so i told you in the only way i could. i
remember you saying that we would talk about it later, and you said
something about clothes? i was happy because i thought you were getting
me some female clothes to wear. All that day i was very happy, and i
got my nails done not caring about what everyone thought because i
thought you had accepted me. i was so happy when i came home. when you
told me that the clothes were for you i crashed down. i don't remember
much after that, except that i was hurt and couldn't express it.
i know that you didn't accept me. Then all i can remember is you
telling me something about how i would make an ugly girl. You can't
possibly understand how bad that hurt me. Imagine for a moment that i
was born a genetic girl. Now imagine what it would have been like for
her to hear that."
i took a deep breath quickly. If she broke in with something i would remind
her of her promise and demand she hear me out.
"And then you made me doubt myself, telling me that people would never
look at me the same again if i told them. That hurt me too. i was to
young and to confused to tell you what i'm telling you now."
My tears were welling up and my emotions were getting hard to control. Deep
within my mind, panels were shining red 'FAULT" lights. Please Jesus,
help me now. Help me go though till the bitter end. i continued.
"i think i was fourteen at the time. i have trouble remembering exact
events and days because i think it hurts too much. But i went on, mom.
i used the hormone patches i stole from Aunt---. And when you brought
me in to see the shrink i told him everything. i was so hurt and
confused i didn't realize he was hurting me even worse. The only
thing i remember him asking was: 'Would you understand if you mom came
home and told you she wanted to be a man?' i said i would, never
remembering until much later how much the rhetoric in his voice had
hurt me." Overload, i thought. Overload.
The song came though again, lending me strength. A few of the circuit
panels in my head cleared. Too few. But with whatever i had left i
continued.
"And then, i was put in the inpatient hospitalization program because of
what i told him. They also put me in there supposedly because i was
depressed and suicidal. i might have been, but that was only icing
on the cake. There i found Heavy Metal. Its given me strength when i
need it most. There they asked me all the questions again. There i got
so used to the closed environment i cried when i was taken out. You
remember that. It made me the weakest i've ever been. i remember dad
asking me if i was sure i wanted to go in there, and i said yes
because of you. Then the family came in, never realizing how much
that hurt me to let them see me in a place like that. They let me out,
and i still didn't realize how much i'd been hurt."
The last panel was the only one still displaying the 'All Systems Go' Light.
Only a little more to go i thought. But could i tell the worst of it all?
"Then quite a few years went by and i was put in the partial hospital
program. There it was group therapy, which i was told it would be a bad
idea if i came out with who i was. The shrink asked me again all the
questions and i held on as best as i could. Finally you brought me to
a specialist where you learned about what happened with my first sexual
encounter. But that didn't bother me, in fact later on it told me much
about my own sexuality, and how different it was from gender identity.
He confused and scared me even more, and i think i was sixteen at the
time. You always told me to wait until i was eighteen, and i'm telling
you now what i told you from the start. i could not wait. i know i
would have been saved from all this pain if i could have started to be
a girl then. But the specialist, oh the specialist that supposedly knew it
all told me to join a gay group, which was the final blow. i knew, deep in my
heart that i wasn't gay. i like girls and always will. For a long time after
that i was totally defeated. My hurt and pain turned into depression,
anger, and rage. Yeah, that convinced them i was a male totally. But i wasn't.
i was covering it up, and as much as i tried to make sense out of my own head,
the realization didn't come until months ago. i'm much better because of it."
Some how i was holding on. For the love of God, i didn't know why. Now
it was time to use the second biggest weapon in my arsenal. She might
have known about the rest, but this part she never knew. This would be
the final test of my strength, and i knew i was close to becoming
nothing more then a sobbing baby.
"My gender identity has turned out to be something both humble and resilient,
seeming to disappear at times, but always coming back. i may have had
something to do with that. Here's a part you didn't know. When i realized
who i really was, i put myself into a kind of self-hypnosis. i told myself
who i knew i was, and what i was to do about it. That's one time that i
wish i never did. Maybe i am like i am because of it, maybe its been the
thing that's brought my identity out time after time. But what's done is done,
and i can only be what i am. Once again, remember that statement. i think
that's why its hard to see myself as female sometimes. But there's my father,
whom i think you blame."
Suddenly, all the glaring red fault lights in my head went out, replaced
with the bright green 'All Systems Go' Lights. The last panel faulted
out entirely and shut down.
"My father. Remember the first night, with the note? Remember he took
me down to the coffee shop and we sat in his car talking? He never told
me i would make an ugly girl. He only asked why i felt that way. i
couldn't tell him then, but i can tell him now, and it hurts to think
i will have to tell him again. He only wanted understanding, and that's
what i've been trying to show you. The understanding of me. All those
times you asked me why i took his side, all the times i never told you
why. i always said 'i don't know' And i didn't. Now i do. You might have
thought it was male sticking by male, but it wasn't. i forgive him for
whatever he used to shame me. i know that for him, the understanding
that his son is really his daughter will hurt him, hurt his male pride.
But i will tell him that the strength he has always shown me was the
beginning of my own."
Now, with all but one thing said, i needed to console her as best as i
could, to show her that i understood her. To show that i understood and
forgave her. Whatever hurt i had done, now i hoped to heal.
"Mother, Please try to understand how much i'm trying to love you again.
i stopped loving you when i realized how much you had hurt me with that
one statement. i'm your daughter; Those pills were hormones and an anti-
androgen. i know you still may not accept me. i only want you to understand
how much hurt i was in and still am."
Here i heard the last part of the song that had allowed me to go though
this. Once again, the lyrics were not exactly germane to the
situation, but the triumph came though. i hoped to feel like a great
female warrior, one with strange but graceful beauty. Maybe even an
Eleven one.
i knew i would need rest. The emotions i had brought through had tired
me completely and my will was fading. But still there was that part of
the song. In that moment of truth i knew i had done my best.
'You're the Keeper of the Seven Keys
You locked up the seven seas
And the Seer of Visions can now rest in peace
There ain't no more demons and no more disease
And, mankind, live up, you're free again
Yes the tyrant is dead, he is gone, overthrown
You Have given our souls back to light'
Here i brought up a story i had written for this moment. i took out
all the parts about planning, and the others that would hurt her and
not help her understanding. i put it on the table. i wrote it in case
i forgot in my hurt to say some things. It was entirely dialog.
For a moment, i thought about her response. i would do as best i could
to comfort her.
But there was that last weapon.
It was the largest of them all. One-hundred-percent hurt, and zero
understanding. It was my first sexual experience, that time her
boyfriend (My parents divorced many years ago) had an affair with me.
She knew about it, of course, the shrink had told them. But i've never
told her what he told me about it. What it felt like for him. To use
that last weapon would hurt me terribly. Not because of the experience
itself, that had taught me much about myself. Because i knew it would
hurt her.
Here it was, sitting in its launcher, a multi-megaton nuclear warhead.
i would only use it if she attacked to the point where my strength and
coherence failed. It would be launched with the greatest accuracy as
my words would allow. It would be a last ditch attempt to get her to
stop hurting me, to protect my dignity.
i knew even if she accepted and loved me, that seeing her would remind
me of the pain. i was saddened deeply by this, and knew whatever lay
ahead, that there would come a time that i would see her no more. That
i would never tell her if she could accept me.
i prepared to say the final words. i truly wished to lower that weapon
into its concrete and lead-lined coffin, and there for it to Rust In Peace,
Forever.
So i said the final words, and waited.
"i'm Done."
FIN
'Keeper Of the Seven Keys' Lyrics copyright Helloween.
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